Saturday, December 29, 2007

Recent Movies

I saw Juno and Aliens vs Predator: Requiem. I'll get reviews up in the next day or so.

If a blog posts in the forest...

Does anyone give a shit? I am currently wading through a fairly serious hardware conundrum again and I could use some help. Given the reception of the last few posts at Well Rounded Nerds, I wonder if posting about it would help.

Friday, December 28, 2007

Should I Ever Place a Craigslist Ad

“Skywriting, Robots, Alcohol induced hilariousness, Oversharing, Plumbing Problems, Spider Marginalization, Stories in Real Time, Inaccurate Directions and Their Consequences, Being a Good Friend- Why Chuckles Actually Does Rule and Should Have the Company of an AMAZING LADY.”

The above quote from Pinko Punko would be the entire text of the thing. I have previously stated that placing a personal ad would be an admission of complete failure on my part, although I wonder then what the entire fucking purpose of this here bloggio is? Perhaps our whole lives are just performance art personal ads?

I think I need to get my head out of this dating guide for a couple days. I have been putting a surprising amount of time into that project lately; I am constantly scribbling notes to myself and writing chapter titles and abstracts. Which is funny because the last two women I have dated/am dating both asked me out.

Yeah, asked ME out. I am in the fucking Twilight Zone here. Usually I win the ladies by charming them from "Who the fuck is this lunatic?" to "Oh wow, he's actually cute and kinda slick." My current situation leaves me in a constant state of Neocon Logic: up is down, maybe is yes, maybe is no, winter is spring.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Saturnalia 2007

It is 1:30 in the morning on the night of Saturnalia and I am watching Santa Claus Conquers the Martians with one of my brothers. Ralphie may have just been knocked off his perch.

It's just a little harmless self-abuse, rather like this here bloggio.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Geek Dating Guide: Lessons In Flirting

Geeks, listen up, there is only one thing you have to know about flirting: courage. You need courage to say the clever things you think up with conviction and clarity. A mumbled flirt is just mumbling (you mumblecore morons can fuck off, thank you) and gets lost in any flirt situation. Most of the time you only have a quick moment to get the witticism delivered that gets you that all important look. You need to think fast and speak faster, but without speaking so fast you are misunderstood.

Case in point.

Who cares if she is married or living with some dude, it is still a good one. Or a lesbian, whatever, either way it isn't any of my business.


I am almost sad to day that I would buy this game: World of Guitarcraft. In case you haven't heard, Activision acquired Blizzard and is now the frigging Turner Broadcasting Network of the gaming industry, owning three mega-sellers: Guitar Hero, World of Warcraft, and Call of Duty. I can't imagine that Starcraft 2 will be better than Supreme Commander (and based on the screen caps and video I have seen, it has all the problems of Starcraft with the graphics of Warcraft 3) but I would not be surprised if it sold millions of copies.

Arlington Cinema and Drafthouse's Two for One Offer Sticking in My Fucking Eye

Thanks for jabbing that one in, guys. I don't have anyone with whom to see a movie or at least, anyone who doesn't come with a plus one. So that is extra awesome.

Also, that theater is frigging hard to get to and Virginia hates cabs and actively hates me for not owning a pollution machine. I fucking hate Virginia.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

They're Always After Me Lucky Recipes!

Shannon, I will give you my frosting/icing recipe after I have been declared the winner in the cookie bake-off next week. In the meantime, I will tell you this: it involved smashing stuff. This is pretty much the only reason why I went with it. Cooking with fire? Good. Cooking while breaking things? Better.

The recipe I will divulge has been previously divulgified prior to post partem pleisiasaur piranha posting privileged patoootie.

That sentence lost itself. I am still suffering the effects of a one cup a day coffee habit. Hummus recipe for Marty.

What Do You Think?

I need to ask those people in the Onion what they think should be on the DC non-state quarter. I voted for the "No Taxation Without Representation" flag but you can vote for Ben's Chili Bowl, Snag. It was a hard decision, as I really could use a chili dog after all the mashed potatoes on crackers and eating my coworker's chocolate chip cookies all day long. I should eat a salad or something but all I have is Five Guys Fries to look forward to tonight, right PP? Robola knows my dilemma, I just keep eating anything you put in arm's reach and my arms are fucking long.

How American is that? Apparently, I know hate every third world country out there because in the last few days I have been eating well more than my fair share of resources.

Cookie Packages Now In System of Tubes

The UPS Store down the street from my office has possession of my contest winning cookies. I hope all the rest of you losers have sent out return slips and are un-submitting your terrible, un-winning cookies.

Can your pans of flan hope to beat a cookie in the shape of a cobag with appropriate art in the frosting? No.

Can your balls of spicy chocolate hope to defeat my Nibbles: In Memoriam Memorial Cookie? No.

Can your loaves of prepared crisps possibly hope to defeat my awesome cobagitating confections? No.

My cookies frighten conservatives into submission, the AEI has added these pastries to their annual watch list! You can't win!

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Other Cookie Pictures, Perhaps Less Amusing Than Before

Cookie Jesus gives you the thumbs up

and also wishes peace on earth to those cobagz who maybe don't deserve it.

Expect the packages, judges, for they fly on swift couriers. Ask not for whom The Genius bakes, he bakes for thee.

Cookie Contest 2007 Anticipated Ship Date is Today

I will be mailing out my amazing and contest-winning cookies later today. Expect more pictures. I had to make a second batch of cookies because some frigging gorging bastard broke into my apartment and ate all the previous cookies. Seriously. I should have mailed those cookies that moment the icing cooled because I couldn't help myself. The taste test sort of turned into a spot-on impersonation of Cookie Monster.

In other words:


The first batch was not up to my exacting standards anyway. The second batch is far superior to mortal man and has at least five asses. Oh shit, I just realized that I wish I had made a half-assed cookie. I did make some Cookie Jesuses (Jesi?) and they turned out well-ish. Pictures to come once I get this frigging USB stick to read.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Apparently This Isn't a Joke

I thought the National Park System was going to be renamed the National Unexploited Resources System. I wouldn't be surprised if Bush thought his dog was listening, Bush is the Holy Leader referenced in the Book of Pithea. I am almost saddened that no one took the opportunity to claim that Barney's job was to fertilize the White House Parkland.

ADDED: The White House does view this as a joke, however.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

You Know What Else I Meant To Do On Monday: Go to the Black Cat

I am operating in a bit of cash flow situation, but who isn't? I could not afford the ticket price for the Le Loup show on Monday night. I should get a second job, but I can't get out of my neighborhood before 7 pm with my current job and I am hoping to continue my classes at the USDA next semester. Maybe if I wasn't such a lazy bastard I wouldn't buy lunch everyday.

In any event, despite the DCist's disappointing description of the show, I still wish I had gone to see Margot and the Nuclear So and So's and Le Loup.

Meant to Post This on Monday

But I'm in a time vortex.

Anyway, Kathleen should check out the alt text or clouds or whatever you call it.


Tuesday, December 11, 2007

New Proofreading and Editing Skills Put to Test by Gary Ruppert

I finished the night class I was taking at the USDA Graduate School last week. The class was titled "Proofreading" and was a fantastic education in grammar and general proofreading. I can not recommend it strongly enough to any person interested in this topic.

Gary Ruppert said,
December 11, 2007 at 3:34
The fact is, liberals would surrender to any gunman, especially if he was wearing a hijab or a trowel. You would expect tolerance and get killed. What you deserve, exactly.

Gary Ruppert has a few basic grammar problems in this comment that inhibit his attempt to communicate. Clear communication is the goal of proofreading. The rules of grammar allow us to create sentences that can be understand by anyone with an understanding of the language used. Gary Ruppert has chosen to disregard several of the rules and this has hampered our understanding of his statement.1

The first sentence needs a bit of work, even if I ignore the blatant, baseless assertion. The construction "The fact is" is entirely unnecessary if we strengthen the rest of the sentence. How does this one suit you, Gary: "Liberals are spineless pacifists who would surrender to any gunmen and would also quiver in abject fear if the assailant was wearing a hijab or trowel." I am not sure why an armed individual is more terrifying when wearing a garden tool but perhaps this is something with which Gary is particularly familiar. It is distinctly possible that Gary meant to type towel and as a good proofreader, I should query the author. What do you think, Gary? Are garden implements tools of terror and destruction?

"Liberals would expect tolerance from an armed maniac and be killed. As a liberal, you deserve exactly that end because of your tolerance and lifestyle." Here, I have taken Gary's sentences and performed a rather radical alteration that keeps the intent and communicated ideas largely intact. If this were a normal situation, I would make these changes and then flag them for special attention from the author to insure that I have understood the poorly constructed sentence and the fragmented sentence. Previously, the pronoun you was undefined and weakened the case being made by Mr. Ruppert.

Gary Ruppert said,
December 11, 2007 at 17:46
The fact is, you will be exposed for your perfity, and bias towards USA and troops and freedom. God does not like liberals, especially when they shelter illegals, abort and do not work hard.

Given the similarities between the two comments, I have no doubt that both comments were written by the same confused individual. As an editor, I would instruct Gary to rewrite his arguments and add supporting evidence to his claims about liberals. Assertions must be supported with facts and the construction "The fact is" does not have magical powers bestowing mighty amounts of truth onto the statement that follows. Based on the content of the post and the actions described therein, Gary's comment does not require the construction. Gary's comment does require some clarification in the use of to the indefinite pronoun you. Correcting spelling and abbreviation errors are other aspects of the proofreader's job. "You, Mister Leonard Pierce, will be exposed for your perfidy, bias towards the U.S.A., troops, and freedom." That is a better sentence than the original but we haven't quite met our goal of clarity. I have broken up the list into four separate items to help Gary with his declaration that there are in fact four transgressions that Mister Leonard Pierce will be committing should he make it to CPAC 20082. We still have the odd use of the word bias to consider. As it is currently written, the sentence indicates that Mister Leonard Pierce is biased towards the United States of America, some indefinite troops and freedom. Since Gary is accusing Mister Pierce of perfidy, "an act or instance of faithlessness or treachery" according to, we can assume that this bias mentioned is wrong in the eyes of the author. Once the audience is forced to make assumptions because of an author's poor ability to communicate your ideas, that author has gone horribly astray. In this comment, Gary Ruppert is perhaps saying that he approves of those who have a bias against the U.S.A., indefinite troops, and freedom. As a proofreader, I can not be certain and should query the author. However, Gary Ruppert has no website that we know of and thus I am left only to assume that he has something against the U.S.A., troops, and freedom. I have no idea about the identity of these "troops" but they could be Boy Scout Troops, some sort of armed forces, bands of teenagers roaming any of the faceless suburbs of America, or even troops of baboons wandering the wilds of Africa. I am must query the author again. Freedom is an odd concept in this context as well. The author has mentioned the United States of America and might mean any of the particular freedoms granted by the U.S. Constitution and limited by the Patriot Act or he might mean the more ambiguous concept of freedom as a basic right of all human beings. I am not certain and the meaning can not be determined from context.

"God does not like liberals, especially when they shelter illegals, abort and do not work hard." This sentence seems to be a non sequitor. It does not pertain to the subject matter of the post written by Mister Pierce nor does it convey any useful information to Mr. Ruppert previous sentence about perfidy, troops, and freedom. This sentence weakens the already weak argument in the first sentence and, as an editor, I would remove it entirely. However, in this case, I am proofreading and not editing. I would change the sentence to read: "God does not like liberals and especially dislikes them because liberals shelter illegals (Illegal whats? Illegal pets? Illegal firearms? Illegal herbalism projects?), abort (Again Gary, please clarify what is being aborted. A countdown? A computer operation?) and are lazy." As an editor, I would also demand citations.

This post is evidence of two things: I will never get a job at Regnery and I spent too much time on this BS.

1. Before I begin this laborious task I must say that I do not like commas and tend to alter sentences to avoid using them.
2. Normally I would give the full name of the group before using the abbreviation but I do not know what the full name is, nor was I able to find that name on the CPAC website. This is a fine example of shoddy proofreading on behalf of CPAC.

Fridge Note to AG

In case you hadn't noticed, AG, you are in Conclusion, The Land of Thus, So and Other Summarized Arguments which borders the Kingdom of Endnotes. Most people get there by way of Introductory Paragraph, or sometimes through the Tunnel of Academic Abstract, and pass along the Road of Structured Arguments. There are frequent stops for refreshment in the towns of Evidence and Citation, with the occasional detour in the scenic Valley of Footnotes. Unfortunately for me, and others with whom you converse, AG prefers to skip all that travel business and take a quick jump into Conclusion. The odd aspect of the Land of Conclusion is that the less time you take to travel there, the less substantial the experience of being in Conclusion. In fact, it is frequently said that taking a short trip to Conclusion often results in a significant phonemic change in the traveler's pronunciation of the name of the land in which one has so recently and rapidly arrived.

In a largely unrelated matter, it is time I cut back on my coffee intake. I have said this before and I will say it again but today, I will drink no more coffee than I have so far.

Saturday, December 08, 2007

From Hell's Heart, I Bake At Thee



Tonight, I bake-a da cookies. You like-a da cookies? I include a picture of some of the ingredients I used:

You will notice the slimy tentacles of my master creeping over and around the flour and sugar. I can not prevent the invasion of His Great and Grotesquely Alien Dimension from seeping into my kitchen. My mixing bowl summons forth the Shoggoth and Mi-Go like moths to the bright candle flame of my Master's terrible glory. MY soul is lost and yours soon will be.

Here you can see the shapeless mass, approaching horrific sentience:

I can barely contain it with three spoons. Thankfully, I have been granted a third tentacular appendage with which to stir my Master's newest assault on sanity. This caustic mixture consumed and annihilated my assistant's mixer. The motor could not long operate within a greater universe that includes a hexadecimal dimension of time and space and imploded, singeing my assistant greatly. It would not be the last wound suffered in the service of my Master.

I am not sure what this is, but it has no place in this contest:

Or does it?

Blue Girl, what is best in baking? I'll tell you: To roll your dough, see it spread before you, and hear the lamentations of the icing.

Some claim to be able to see Jesus in a corn chip or a tortilla, I see secret messages in the icing on my cookies:

What does it mean? The world may never know. My unknown and unknowable Master commanded that I prepare suitable vessels for His terrible confections:

Helob gives her/his/bird/spider's usual opinion: Needs More Crickets.

I predict the esteemed Judges of the Hallowed Holiday Bake-Off will react thusly:

Saturday Random N*: Apartment Cleaning Edition

I recently added some speakers to my WoW machine. I downloaded the newest version of WinAmp in the hopes that it will be more useful, interesting and secure than Windows Media Player.

N. Some Random '80s Mega Mix. It's acceptable but I think it was added to my collection while said collection was in the hands of one of my brothers.
N+1. Michael Jackson's Thriller. I think my computer is in the wrong sort of holiday spirit.
N+2. Concrete Blonde: Mexican Moon (Spanish). Oh yeah, it's definitely stuck on Halloween.
N+3. The Hives: Untutored Youth - Good to see that some things never change, my computer has been into these guys for a long time.
N+4. Jaga Jazzist: Lithuania - I have no idea where this came from.
N+5. New Order: Everyone Everywhere - Added by that same brother, I think.
N+6. Moby: Heaven - Jeez, this could have come from anywhere. Anyone know the statute of limitations on the RIAA's jackassery?
N+7. Led Zeppelin: Your Time is Gonna Come - It has been a while since I heard some Zeppelin. I need to immerse myself in Led Zeppelin, Jimmy Hendrix and other guitar heavy groups if I am going to get ready for this summer.
N+8. Superpope: The Death of Mother Brain - All of this guy's stuff is video game or Dragon Ball inspired. I wonder why I liked it in college...
N+9. Paul Oakenfold: Set Me Free - I haven't really updated any of the music on this computer since college.
N+10. Unknown (Maybe Reel Big Fish or Mustard Plug): Gin and Juice - I still like the music I liked in college but listening to a goofy cover song or some raving, e-addled tweaker's music isn't as interesting as listening to a well-crafted or authentically emotional song by band's like Camera Obscura, Le Loup or Georgie James.
N+11. The Hives: Main Offender - fulsome probably loves these guy's as much as my computer does.
N+12. Unknown: Were You Born An Asshole - O Jeebus, I just realized that this is probably Jeff Foxworthy or someone like that.
N+13. Paul Oakenfold: Someone Like You - More of the same. I guess that is really the problem with electronic music. It is really hard to sound interesting. Oakenfold and Van Dyk come pretty close, but I wonder when and where the Elvis of electronic music is hiding. Or the Beatles, if that is more your thing.
N+14. New Order: Chemical - How much stuff did that brother put on my computer?
N+15. DJ Mark Farina: Mushroom Jazz Vol. 3 - This is still good and still holds resonance and quality.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

It Isn't Waterboarding But It Is Still Torture

I am listening to Kathleen's Holiday Music Station on Pandora in an attempt to inure myself for the inevitable trip to some local palace of commerce.

My coworkers love it. I have been asked to turn it up.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

December is Christianofascism Awareness Month

Unsurprisingly, the rightwing jackasses all over the internet are rather consistently wrong.

It is totally disrespectful and wrong to deface the image of our golden calves. This is totally different from when those Muslims get all angry about their religious idols.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Cooking with Helob: Tie-Fighter Peanut Sauce and Pasta

The cool thing about this recipe is that it requires only two things beyond the cooking implements: peanut butter and pasta. The even cooler thing about this recipe is that I am inventing it as I cook and blog at the SAME TIME. I have never been to Thailand but I have eaten lots of satay and had a friend from Bangkok in grade school. Nonetheless, I feel fully qualified to make a scrumptious meal. Please note that although I do own a cookbook, for the purposes of this trick, I will not be consulting it.

Ingredient list (constantly updated as I work my magic):
chunky peanut butter (64 oz jug)
San Giorgio spaghetti 8 degree (on sale!)
filtered DC tap water (trust me, the unfiltered shit will kill you and rob your corpse)
extra virgin olive oil (because I had it in the cupboard, a recurring theme in all my culinary experiments)
1 tablespoon Patak's Hot Curry Paste (concentrate for sauces, tomato & cumin)(half of all I had left, figured I might need more in the next week or so until I get paid again)
2 tablespoons Bombay Brand Ginger Paste (made form fresh ginger)(both this and the curry paste have been in my fridge for over a year, doled out into curries and spaghettis)
a couple shakes of seasoned salt (for good luck)
a couple of vigorous shakes of Pride of Szeged Hungarian Paprika (for good health)
a dash of ground sage (because it smelled appropriate to my most recent sense memory of peanut sauce)
a dash of ground mace (see above)
the unending scorn of one large tarantula with performance anxiety

Cook spaghetti as usual. Throw some olive oil into a sauce pan. Throw a few globs of peanut butter in, basically until you think you have enough for your sauce needs. Heat on low because peanut butter will hold heat for a while. When the peanut butter and oil mix easily with a spoon, toss in a heaping tablespoon of the curry paste. Then open your jar of ginger paste and clean off the brown bits around the edge from the last time you used it. Then give it a quick lick to check whether it has gone bad. Seems ok? Toss in a heaping tablespoon. Spoon out another, decide to check it again, realize that it has a bit of bite. Taste it again, thanking that practical anthropology course you slept through in college, realize that the bite is usual and that ginger paste is some potent shit and put the tablespoon back in the jar. Seal the jar, back away slowly. Stir this mixture. Then go ahead and season the mix to whatever color you like in a peanut sauce. Let sit on "Low" heat to keep it from congealing. Periodically glance over at your tarantula and wonder why she/he/it/spider won't eat any of the yummy crickets you bought for it/she/he/spider the other day. I think he/it/she/spider is codependent and spends all night moaning away and sobbing, "why aren't my crickets good enough for him?"

Take periodic taste tests to astound your senses with its interesting and surprisingly edible flavor and consistency. Under no circumstances should you add raspberry jelly but if you never have that urge, then you have seasoned the sauce properly. If you think it is getting a little thick, toss in some more olive oil. There may be a better ingredient to use, but it wasn't in my fridge or cupboard, so fuck it.

When the pasta is finally done, throw some of your concoction over the pasta and eat heartily, while reminding yourself that even though this might be some odd shit and in no real way related to authentic peanut sauce, at least it isn't FUCKING RAMEN.

Cookie Contest 2007 Ingredient List

As promised, my ingredient list for my entry in the 2007 Cookie Contest:

5 pound bag of sugar
5 pound bag of flour
5 pound bag on unbleached flour
5 pound bag of whole wheat flour
2 pound bag of confectioner's sugar
2 pound bag of corn meal
2 cups sea salt
1 cup coconut shavings
1 cup human shavings
5 cups freshly rolled oats
2 dollops of essence of babpupten
2 boxes of raisins
1 box of cranberry raisins
1 ounce raison d'entre
1 ounce ethereal ectoplasm
1 1/2 pounds of 86% organic chocolate chunks
1 cup tears of the unrequited
3 teaspoons of the Dreamer's spittle
6 tons cooled magma
3 tons of volcanic ash from Pompeii
1 ton people ash from Pompeii
3 dashes of Spice Melange
3 drops of the anti-agathic Essence of Ageria
3 dried and ground mind worm larvae from Ceti Alpha Five
1 drop purified water of life
1 bulb of garlic
2 blue eyes of newt
1 bag of M&Ms
2 wheels brie cheese
2 wheels camembert cheese
2 wheelbarrels of headcheese
4 cans condensed milk
2 cans sweetened condensed milk
3 cans condensed goats milk
5 cans condensed weasel milk
1 smelt
old bay seasoning
celery salt

Mix ingredients in non-Euclidean bowl, gently folding in the chocolate chunks. Let this sit on the counter until the reality of your kitchen is redefined in a darker light than shines at night. Ignite oven with the burning soul essence of orphaned male child of a pious widow. Place magma in titanium/unobtanium alloy pan, use center rack in oven. Heat magma to 1250 degrees (centigrade), add ash. Dollop out the cookie mixture onto baking sheet. Should any dollops randomly fall onto the sheet in the form of runes, pictograms or the Elder Sign, DO NOT READ THEM ALOUD. If you choose to read them in your head, you risk only your mind. Should you dare to read them aloud without the proper preparations and precautions, I will not be held liable. Please sign the attached waiver of liablity and fax it to 1-888-NOM-RYLE.

In case you are wondering how a person could write a post like this after the previous two posts and their intense content, I can only say that were I to dwell solely upon those topics that affect me in a most serious and painful fashion, I would not remain sane for long. The struggle is a daily one and I hope that I do not trivialize the suffering mentioned last week.

Friday, November 30, 2007

Nothing Like News from the Democratic Republic of the Congo to Give You Some Perspective

I read something this morning that I don't know how to process. I don't know if anyone should even try to process it. Events like these should always be raw and wounding, if only to remind us of our responsibilities as human beings living in this world. An 11 month old girl in the Congo has died the day after she was raped. You read that correctly. Months. 11 months old.

Even the news that soldiers have started summary judgements against rapists is no consolation. I'm gonna go throw up.

Here is a lovely photo essay.

AEI Keeps Sending Me Emails Unrelated to Their Logo or Security Guards

AEI Center for Regulatory and Market Studies 2007 Distinguished Lecture

Cass R. Sunstein, professor of law at the University of Chicago Law School, will deliver the first Distinguished Lecture of the new AEI Center for Regulatory and Market Studies. His subject will be the sources of extremism. He uses recent studies of juries, federal judges, and ordinary citizens to show that groups of like-minded people often move to extreme positions on many questions, including climate change, labor policy, same-sex relations, and affirmative action. This general phenomenon – ideological amplification – helps to explain many things, including punitive damage awards, excessive and insufficient regulation, oppositional movements, political correctness, ethnic conflict, and even terrorism. He will also discuss how cost-benefit analysis, for example, can be used to solve such behavior.

Ten bucks says that this lecture will not feature criticism of Christian extremist groups in the US. I am not going to link to these dodgy cobags. I have repeatedly asked to be removed from their email address but they claim I am "not on their mailing list" despite my continued assertions that I am receiving email at multiple addresses as part of my daily responsibilities at my office. This is only part of the reason I have labeled them cobags but a large part of the reason why I was plenty eager to participate in this.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Crime Rates and News Reporting

Checking the news feeds Thursday morning, I saw this lovely little piece of reporting. Way to be informative, ABC7. The babbling heads on the local news are all talking up the fact that DC's murder rate just exceeded last year with slightly more than a month to go. Hey, that's fucking brilliant! Let's all have a race to see who can score kill number 200!

Been there, done that. The gangbangers did that in Oakland in 2002. The local news at the time started freaking out about the murder numbers exceeding the previous year in October and shrieking that if the trend continues, Oakland would hit 100 murders before the year was over. They seemed to be feasting off this like it was the damn crime Olympics. The morning the toll was at 99, the news went into full panic mode, wetting their pants and gnashing their teeth about who would be number 100. This was no help to the situation and at least two people were killed that night when an unknown number of maniacs started firing on anyone they could see. If I remember correctly, a grandmother sitting in her living room was killed by gunfire from the street. The lunatics probably fired on the window because a light was on inside the house.

In the years before 2002, the murder rate was dropping in Oakland. "Although 2001 marked the fourth straight year fewer than 100 people were slain..." but people were still scared and with good reason. I don't want to sound callous, but shouldn't the news be trying to aid police in lowering the crime rate by emphasizing the positive? I recall hearing about the suicide rates in the Paris subway system being tied to the amount and possibly the type of news coverage about the suicides by train. Google has plenty for the inquisitive mind. The fact that Oakland in 2002 had been trucking along at an average pace of about 1 murder every four days and then managed to rack up 20 some in the last 60 days is significant. Every night of November and December, the news seemed to dwell heavily on the number killed and the victims' families. It was the worst reality show ever, except I couldn't get the producers to cancel the rest of the season.

I see the same thing happening in DC now. Last night, I caught about 30 seconds of the NBC news after Life and was disgusted to see the same sort of coverage as Oakland in 2002. The newscasters had their sad faces on but they still seemed so eager, like sharks following a trail of wisping blood in the water. "OMG! Will we reach 200 murders this year? *WINKS INTO CAMERA* Up next a report on police strategies, but FIRST! let's review today's sad news about last night's victims!" It feels like Damon Killian is announcing the news.

Walking home at night from the West Oakland BART station, I wasn't particularly worried myself because I didn't think it would happen to me since that area was pretty empty at that time of night. My brother had a loft in a stone building and his couches were below the angle by which anyone on the street with a handgun was able to shoot. This was not by his design but a combination of the futons he had and the fact that it was the third floor of a converted warehouse with 20 foot ceilings on each floor. The first week I was there, some jackass fired a 9 millimeter on the street outside the building. My brother said it was the first time he had heard gunfire but then he never spent any time in the Congo during the start of the African World War.*

The news media are obviously not to blame for the actual murders since they are not killing anyone but creating or enhancing this hysteria, while also enabling the murderous bastards to view their handiwork at every opportunity, is only exacerbating the problems we have in urban America. I would love to see the crime rate drop but it is my opinion that will only happen when we have people in charge who are willing to spend a much more significant portion of the Federal, State and City budgets on improving and expanding education.

UC Berkeley Graduate School of Journalism piece about crime initiative
Some statistics generated from government data sources
FBI crime statistics raw data

*This sentence makes me sound a little more hard core than I am. I was spending summer vacation with my parents, not some war correspondent or diplomat or anything. The mortars and gunfire scared the piss out of me.

Further Feminist-ish Blogging

From the comments (page 9) of one of the smarter questions in the dumb YouTube Republican debate*:
baneyw (15 hours ago)
Good question. I think a lot of women wonder the same thing.
If you believe abortion is murder, the answer is quite simple. If not, you either don't understand the procedure, or you are not allowing yourself to accept the facts.
If contraception prevents life then abortion destroys it.
Save sex for marriage.

You are confusing sex with procreation, William. I don't think we should save procreation for marriage. Children are fucking hard work, if the few hours I spend with my nephew per month are any indication, and having them should be saved for those who are responsible and ready for this radical lifestyle change. I completely agree with Augusten Burroughs when he wrote in "Magical Thinking" that gay people would make better parents because they have to want to have children and have to make the decision. Children are not something that can happen accidentally to gay couples. Marriage is not some magical, fairy-tale land that instantly secures a person the patience, finances, security and sanity to raise a responsible child.

In any event, the comments on that great question are hilarious, if you like reading lots of ignorant morons' opinions. The ignorance and moronic behavior is not contained by the right wing, either. There are plenty of dumb responses from left wing people.

*Is it really a debate if the candidates just answer questions and try to desperately one up each other? I did not watch this travesty of political theater, only a couple clips. A person can only take so much.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007


Chesty La Rue vs Some Blue Guy with a Tail.

Her costume is totally impractical unless she is about to engage in some fucked up monster sex or something and even then I have to ask why two of my hobbies have to be so unrelentingly objectifying in their depictions of female characters.

I'd still hit it.

Picture added for those who would prefer not to click the link. If anyone wants me to remove the picture, my email address is included in my profile.

A New Brand of Meme

Creative graffiti of your pal's daemon. Here's how it works: go over to the Golden Compass website and get yourself a daemon. Slap a link or paste in their java flashy thing to your page and get people to start fucking with the sliders until you end up with a platypus.

This game meme has the added benefit of promoting a movie that the Religious Right is frothing mad about, despite the fact that the producers have already caved to those fucking lunatics. I wonder if the Religious Right got so worked up about Star Trek 5?

One final note: I don't know if you can actually get a platypus for a daemon, but if someone does, they win.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

An Uncommon Mistake

Tonight, I am making tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner.

The ingredients list contains one mistake that should be easy to spot. You have one guess each.

Large can of Safeway tomato soup
Dash of basil flakes
Sprinkle of cumin
Shake or two of pepper
Drizzle of celery salt
Drazzle of seasoned salt
Large block of colby cheese
Twelve grain bread
Organic salted sweet cream butter

This one is really easy.

UPDATE: To clarify this, the mistake was not eating four grilled cheese sandwiches and dipping them in tomato soup while watching The Biggest Loser. I thought I was going to watch some Bionic Woman and Life, but instead I got fatties on a treadmill. When I heard that one of the women started the contest at 240 pounds, that hit close to the bone. I need to get back into my routine of waking up and doing pushups and situps.

Holiday versus Chrismas, Channukah, Ramadan, and Kwanzaa

I don't fucking care. I only just found out about Dennis "Hastur Hastur" Hastert and Trent "Huge Fucking Cobag" Lott resigning. The only thing I want from any gift giver is proof connecting either to some massive scandal that will result in justified imprisonment. That would rock my face off.

I would have heard about this earlier, but the weekend was spent in an orgy of leveling and the Daily Show isn't on and I don't read the news at home.

In other holiday news, I am assembling my 40K scale Phantom Titan this week. I have decided that I really ought to indulge in more than two geek outlets again. To further this goal, I have called in some reinforcements for my beleagured Legion of the Damned army which finally won it's first game last Saturday. These reinforcements might enable me to field an Apocalypse force, but probably for Blood Angels and not the Legion.

My opponent on Saturday was a good sport but the look on his face when his Leman Russ tank blew up in my second turn of shooting was a look of pure shock. His battle plan was sound, but hampered a bit by his deployment which depended on his tank holding the center and killing every one of my anchoring models. Other than that, we were evenly matched and I barely pulled out the win in the last turn. I hope to face him again in a week or two.


I am writing on paper. I have been out and about on other people's dimes (Thanks, Dad!) and writing when I can.

It has been a rather fruitful weekend.

Linky Bullshit

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Trend Setters, We Walk a Different Road

As I said on 3 Bulls:

Brando, stay out of my kitchen. My recipe is a secret and merely reading the list of ingredients would drive most people insane. It was a lucky accident of fate that my mixing bowl no longer subscribes to such prosaic forms of geometry as you mortals know-A p'sPIOSDOI'odsfig ugasrg' ghlauvawec-

Ahem. As I was saying, on that fateful day I did not know that my bowl was unsafe for use in a microwave oven, nor did I know why. I was performing experiments and filming them for YouTube. I had made a solution of corn starch and water in my Gladware mixing bowl and placed it in the microwave. After checking the focus on my digital handicam, I started the microwave. The solution began to flutter and bubble. The bowl began to quiver and sag. I glanced into the view finder and saw not the frothing, bubbling, gloopy contents of my melting mixing bowl, but another dimension of rips and tears in the fabric of space, time and, indeed, mortal sanity. I dare not speak of the rough beasts I saw within this dimension, but can only say this: I was changed, as was my mixing bowl. -GARHG'uhUHFjlk vjnlicuyn' aoc fatgnh aoorc'msfhvymi'im-

Pardon me. The bowl is an odd thing now, it twists and quivers in the corner of my mind, even as it wobbles in the corner of my vision. I have secured a spoon, smelted from the dust of a thousand comets, with which I stir the ingredients imparted to me by those myriad, cyclopean beings of the void and nether. The sheet, if so pedestrian a word can describe it, by which I bake these carnal confections was forged from the raw steel smelted in the blood of orphaned second sons of second sons. The oven burns with the heat of gigawatts, all for the glory of those whom I dare not name.

Dare you eat my cookies?

*With all apologies and due respect to HP, who has done it longer, okay not longer, but certainly better than I.*

Monday, November 19, 2007

Horrorfest 2007 Reviews in Brief

This weekend I crammed in 4 of the Horrorfest 2007 movies. I saw Crazy Eights, Mulberry Street, Unearthed and Tooth and Nail. Reviews:

Crazy Eights: Incoherent and inconsistent. Immensely inappropriate music that destroyed any sense of tension.
My awesome companion's review: Crazy Bad.

Mulberry Street: Nicely done, even if the inevitable resolution was a little weak.
My awesome companion's review: Rats are disgusting.

Unearthed: Not at all bad, nobody acted needlessly stupid. Believable acting? Half and Half. Comedy? Nope.
My awesome companion's review: Why was Charlie Murphy in this? Do all black people have to make crazy remarks referencing ghetto life?

Tooth and Nail: A little predictable but the conclusion was satisfying. Rambo scene? Check. Over the top baddies? Check. Scenery Chewing Michael Madsen? Triple Check.
My awesome companion's review: This is exactly what Aristotle was talking about.

A little commentary on all of these films: I found their use of tension music/noise and music in general to be oppressive or straight up bad.

So Tuesday Was Bullshit Day, I Guess

I attended a memorial tea party for my father's pal and former roommate. The stories are a little muddled but they may have gone to law school together and they apparently got in more than one bar brawl during this period in their lives. My experiences with this man and my father make me extremely incredulous, but my father's reaction to our questions about the "St. Patrick's Day Massacre" was far too honest for it to be anything but true.

Regardless, I almost came close to being a little choked up listening to the stories and remembrances that people told about the gentleman deceased. So maybe I was totally off my rocker the other day. Maybe I do have a heart somewhere underneath, but I think it is just malfunctioning firmware.

Friday, November 16, 2007

The Quotable Ex

10. "I've decided I need a hott guy with a six pack. And now I've missed my bus and have to take the Metro, thanks you asshole."
My response: "That's incredibly shallow."
My response ten minutes after she left: "Shit, I can get a six-pack but some asshole at a bar won't have my personality."

9. "I'll see you in November."
My response: "Definitely!"
My response in November: "Why doesn't she return my calls?"

8. In an email: "I am ready to not be with you anymore, don't bother moving out here even though we made those plans last week. I hope you haven't bought the tickets."
My response: To myself at my computer, "You fucking bitch. I'm glad I hadn't bought those tickets."
My response a week later: "FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK! Now what the fuck am I going to do this summer?"

7. "I think you do love me but you won't admit it to yourself."
My response: "I really don't and you are way too needy and insecure for me to entertain notions of continuing this relationship."
My response a week later when she called: "I'm sorry but my feelings haven't changed."

6. "So would you like to have dinner on Thursday?"
My response: "Would this be a date? I was more interested in being friends. When you took your clothes off the other night, I said what the hell, but now I think that there was some miscommunication."
My response a week later, explaining it to my friends: "When I came out of the bathroom, she had her top off and was just sitting on the couch. So I figured we weren't going to watch the rest of the movie."

5. "I love you."
My response: "Ok."
My response the next day: "I'm glad I don't have her phone number because she said I love you on the first date. The time we made out while I was blotto doesn't count because I don't remember it."

4. "I'm really more interested in dating a man with a degree that isn't working in construction."
My response: "Does my situation affect your security clearance?"
My response the next day: "I think she had developed an overly federal mindset, but the CIA does that to you."

3. Okay, I don't really have anything for 3 but not much is going to top number 1 for a while.

2. "Call me when you have money."

1. "You look good on paper."
My response: "Thanks?"
My friend's response two days later: "I have heard a lot of mean things and said some of them during breakups but I have never said anything that harsh." "Gee, thanks, I feel so much better now."

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Nick Cave Does Kids Songs

Well not exactly, but it sure sounds like it:

As far as I know, the Green Anaconda Song (and the Toucan, Umbrella Bird, and Dinosaur songs) is from the same animator(s) that did:

Tomorrow I shall post a truly embarassing top ten of music that is certain to be full of guilty pleasures.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Problems, I've Got a Few of My Own

My current crop of problems, let me show you them. I've got money troubles, nothing new there, I've got women troubles, not at all unusual, and now I've got death to think about. I am attending a memorial service on Sunday. The individual and my relation to him is not important to the rest of this conversation but the act of death1 is.

You go through phases in life with your friends and other people in your standardly deviating age bracket. First off, everyone is born, some earlier than others and some later. Then, everybody hits puberty on our own schedules but roughly around the same time. People lose their virginity and then start getting married2, maybe not in that order or with any necessary correlation. In the last three years, I've gone to more weddings than the rest of my life. If I included the number of weddings I was unable to attend and I should have bought a tux to save myself further monies I didn't have. This is nothing earth shattering or even remotely new to anyone. The next phase of life usually involves people having kids and I have reached that earlier than others3. Four friends or relations of mine have already spawned. I have been able to escape the inevitable showers with two excuses: gender and general Chuckness4. Now I find myself racing ahead to the next phase of life and I would really appreciate it if this shit would just knock off.

People keep getting sick and dying. Case in point: at least 5 people currently associated with my job currently have cancer and almost all the rest have either beaten some form of cancer or expect to get it. What the fuck. If I am bad at baby showers, I am abysmal at funerals. My general thought process follows lines like these:
10 Don't Be Late
20 Don't Be Rude
30 Don't Confuse Stoic Face for Angry Face and Accidentally Annoy the Bereaved
40 Concentrate on Stoic Face
50 Don't Smile at Coworkers or Pretty Women
60 Say "I'm Sorry For Your Loss"
70 Do Not Think About TV Schedules
80 Do Not Think About Raid Schedules
90 GOTO 50 Repeat 5 Times Then Leave

Even the deaths of family members don't really bug me. I mean, sure it sucks that the people are gone and all, but I've got to continue moving through my life. Getting all pissed off or weepy doesn't really help the situation because the person will still be dead. Basically I'm just cold and dead inside.

Funny thing is, an ex-girlfriend said that when she dumped me. More than one has said that, in fact. Maybe I should work on that.

1 I hope this post isn't as gothy as Two and a Half Men.
2 Some people really choose to straggle along with both of these, but let me state that marriage is not necessary for a happy and fulfilling life. If I write any more on this, people will think I am bitter and lonely when I am neither.
3 Another easily misinterpreted sentence. This post blows.
4 Most people agree that I would say something odd and everyone at a baby shower would get all cheesed off about the whole thing.

This, However, Is Slightly More Plausible Than Yesterday's "News"

For certain definitions of the word plausible that aren't in any dictionary.


Jeff Goldstein is signing up as we speak.

Monday, November 12, 2007

This Is Totally Plausible

If I had recently suffered massive blunt trauma to every lobe of my brain, I might believe this conversation. 43 years with a clearance and he "just assumed" information was unclassified? Obama's point about experience not being the sole trait that prevents massive fuckups is constantly reinforced by these clowns.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Facial Bronzing Cream? That's Aisle Six Mr. Carlson

Once again, I find myself in a position to ridicule Tucker Carlson. This is not a habit or hobby for me, but once some dude threatens you with destruction, you have to make hay while the sun pelts you with lemons. Or in this case, tubes of bronzing cream.

I was waiting for the bus last night and talking with a friend when he/she regaled me with a 100% true story about seeing Tucker Carlson in one of the neighborhood CVS stores.1 This friend said that he/she/it had seen Tucker Carlson in line with a packet of Neutrogena Instant Bronze face cream. This is sweet, sweet confirmation of my previous statements on Tuck a l'Orange's suspiciously even skin tones. This is also extremely sad for me. All of my experiences with Tucker Carlson left me with the distinct impression that he is the kind of guy who has a full staff of primpers and preeners to perform all the unpleasant chores of his life like chewing his food, powdering his balls and applying his tanning creme. I figured with the kind of money that his wikipedia page claims that he has, Tucker would have some exotically accented butler following him around and picking up his discarded McDonald's wrappers, maybe even calling him sir. I guess times really are tight for everyone and that may be why no one has seen him at the video store, Netflix is indeed cheaper if you watch more than 1 movie a week. Of course, he may not go to that video store anymore because he was such a publicly raging asshole, but I digress. Honestly, if the economy has gotten so bad that the inheritors of multiple massive estates can no longer afford the soft, supple, manicured hands of Jeeves to apply their artificial bronzer and must now rely on Wagner Power Painter Wide Shot Max to do the job, what is next? Will Tucker Carlson begin standing around stop lights with a wash rag and some Windex? Damn the irresponsible fiscal policies of the past for Tucker's sad fate!

A Personal Note to Tucker Carlson: Before you get all snippy while ego-surfing and send out your inept lawyers2 again, Agent Orange, remember that you are a public figure and quite open to ridicule. If I were to ever meet you in person again, Tucker, I am more inclined to help you avoid any Tropicana goon squads after your deliciously ripe noggin than I am to do anything rash or rude, like yell at someone in a video store.

1 I do not shop at this CVS store if I can avoid it because the building was a neat old movie theater before being sold to CVS. We all have our lines in the sand.
2 If anyone wishes to send me any legal documents in regard to this or any other post, please contact me at geniusblogs AT sluggy DOT com. If anyone wishes to fucking destroy me, they can contact me at orangeskinnedblowhard AT whinywasp DOT org.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Ladies, Please, I Didn't Pay for Dinner Because

If I don't have enough to pay for dinner, at least I didn't insist we go out or even that we see each other again. Honestly, I'm only interesting on the internet. Can you imagine one of my ranting screeds delivered in person? Quell dommage. I mean, shit, how fucking boring can you be when it has already been done better and much shorter by Jon Stewart.

The other reason why I didn't pay for dinner? I spent all my money on music. Specifically the Georgie James show at the Black Cat on November 16th and the Le Loup (or as some people call them, Los Lobos) show on December 10th. Dibs on the indie rock crush, Billy Pilgrim. Seriously, back off, I'll cut you. Cut you good with wit and stuff because violence is not cool, bro. God do I love coffee? YESH.

As an apology to those bands that I promised to review here...I'm a fucking lazy ass motherfucker who couldn't motivate himself out of a dry paper bag. More on that later.

Dictionary Dot Com's Word of the Day is Fucking Stalking Me

Today's word of the day is bete noire. Okay, cool, that is nice to know, now what the fuck is this shit:

Never an exceptional student, Andrews somehow managed to navigate the academy's rigorous courses with satisfactory grades, though all forms of mathematics were agonizing to him, remaining what he called his "bete noire" throughout life.
-- Charles Gallenkamp, Dragon Hunter: Roy Chapman Andrews and the Central Asiatic Expeditions

First of all, the similarities between the citation's Andrews and my college life are eerie except that I definitely got by on a lot more charm and rugged good looks than this schmoe did. Secondly, I think I need to purge Google's Goons from my computer because these coincidences are getting odd.

Twice is a coincidence, thrice is a conspiracy.

The Federal Reserve at Iota Club and Cafe

I wrote a bunch of posts last night while I was standing by the bar at Iota listening to the music from the group of bands that make up the Federal Reserve. I will eventually get these up on the webbernets. Two of the posts are part of the long languishing Dating Guide. Look for them tonight or tomorrow or Thursday.

In the meantime, Pakistan sure is going crazy isn't it? How many times have we been bitten in the ass by working with oppressive regimes? Some dude said something about how other people do something that has been done before by other people or whatever? Yeah, let's think about that. Sigh.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Fascism Awareness Week

I was sitting behind some old guy on the bus on Sunday night. I am a terrible shoulder-over-reader, or whatever you want to call it, and I noticed that the dude was reading that how-to on setting up your own Islamofascism Awareness Week. As has been previously noted by myself, I am not up on the current crop of wingnuts. I am more likely to recognize Nixon era people than any present day wingnuts. We got off at the same stop and I wonder if I am neighbors with another crazy right wing pundit or if he was just a Dean from one of the five (six? seven?) universities in DC reading up on threats to campus security.

UPDATE: UM, so like facism means to like get all up in someone's face or something. Maybe with a Facebook account? I should fucking retire or maybe sleep more and drink less coffee. OR MAYBE GET A DICTIONARY AND READ IT? Shut up, Baxter.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

President Bush Whines: Congress Isn't Giving Me Exactly What I Wanted For Christmas, Or Tuesday

President Bush blasted the Democratic-controlled Congress on Tuesday for having "the worst record in 20 years [including the months and months Congress spent on impeachment proceedings against President Clinton]."

"Congress is not getting it's work done," Bush said, flanked by members of the Republican House leadership. "The House of Representatives has wasted valuable time on a constant stream of investigations, and the Senate has wasted valuable time on an endless series of failed votes to pull our troops out of Iraq. They have only legalized my illegal warrantless wiretapping program, attempted to grant immunity to the telecoms and failed to override my veto of that thing what was gonna give kids health care."

Bush criticized Congress for not being able to send "a single appropriations bill" to him. He also criticized Congress for not being able to clean up his room, bring him properly chewy chocolate chip cookies, for not patting him on the back when he remembered to wipe, and for not keeping Senator Craig away from him when he was busy wiping.

"They haven't seen a bill they could not solve without shoving a tax hike into it and let me tell you, I am sick and tired of all this vetoing lately, that stamp is frigging heavy. Just give me a bill I can sign," he said.

Democrats quickly fired back. Jim Manley, senior aide to Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, said, "Taking advice from President Bush about fiscal responsibility and getting things done for the American people is like taking hunting lessons from Dick Cheney. Neither is a very good idea. It probably wasn't a good idea to legalize the grossest violation of the Bill of Rights but we are all about bipartisan cooperation which means you have to give a little to get a little. Or get nothing, in this case."

Rep. Rahm Emanuel, D-Illinois, issued a statement saying, "President Bush's rally this morning reminds us that congressional Republicans remain ready and willing to rubber-stamp the Bush agenda, despite the Democratic Party's rush to do it first: No to children's health care; no to a new direction in Iraq; and no to investing in America's future. The White House and congressional Republicans want to continue the status quo without Democrats, even though we bend over backwards to fulfill their wishes. We would appreciate just a little recognition of all of our efforts to advance the new conservative agenda."

Bush said the Senate was "wasting valuable time" by taking up the children's health insurance bill, which he had earlier vetoed. "They should have been buying me some of those sweet new Naruto DVDs. That show is AWESOME!"

Democrats quickly fired back. House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer, D-Maryland, issued a statement calling Bush "a huge asshole and the biggest obstacle" to extending health coverage to "10 million low-income, working-class American children while acting like the biggest child in America."

Hoyer said GOP House leaders need to "stop posing for pictures, stop the late night meetings in the Capital Building's bathrooms and sit down with Democrats and Republicans in Congress who are actually working and working together to extend coverage to our children. In other words, stop being a bunch of childish cobagz."

The State Children's Health Insurance Program measure passed in the House last week would expand the program by nearly $35 billion over five years, the same as the measure Bush vetoed on October 3. Bush had proposed adding $5 billion to the program, and said the version he vetoed would have encouraged families to go back on welfare and buy huge mansions with pools filled with champagne. He also said that SCHIP would force private practice doctors to give your child's medicine to a random street urchin and force your pediatrician to deliberately give your children autism and the cancer.

Democratic leaders said the new version addresses Republican objections by tightening restrictions on illegal immigrants receiving SCHIP benefits; capping the income levels of families that qualify for the program; preventing adults from receiving benefits; all while simultaneously satisfying Republican demands for an uneducated work force with a shortened lifespan.

The program currently covers about 6 million children whose parents earn too much to qualify for Medicaid, the federal health insurance program for the working poor [a title Republicans describe as "mythological"], but who can't afford private insurance. Democrats want to extend the program to another 4 million, paying for it with a 61-cent-per-pack increase in the federal tax on cigarettes. Republicans have argued that health insurance is not that expensive and one anonymous Capital Hill staffer said "Besides, anyone can just setup a direct monthly payment easily enough by asking their accountant to route those bills through the average trust fund."

Bush said Congress knows the current version of the children's health bill "does not have a chance," to get enough votes to override another veto, also "that bill is so lame I bet it uses crutches."

Hoyer accused Bush of breaking a promise he made in 2004 to extend coverage under the SCHIP program. "Now, Congress must do what the president said he would do," he said in his statement, "because he is damn, dirty, pinky-swear breakin' motherfucker. I am so sick of his whining bullshit."

The Senate could vote on the bill as early as Tuesday.

Bush also threatened to veto a "three-bill pileup. If I see one a those coming down the turnpike, I'm gonna get out my big veto tank and drive right over the sucker. Perhaps I'll get some of those awesome luchadores to come up here and pile drive a Congressional Bill Pileup. I don't fuck around with this sorta shit all up in my face. I'm from the streets, beee-OTCH."

"There are now reports that Congressional leaders may be considering combining the Veterans and Department of Defense appropriations bills, into some kind of Frankenstein bill and if Congress then add a bloated labor, health and education spending bill to both of them, " he said he would, "call out a whole host of ro-beasts to kill that Voltron-like Mega-Bill. I'll go all kinds of Power Rangers ninja-shit on any kinda bill I don't like."

"Congress should pass each bill one at a time in a fiscally responsible manner," he said, adding, "Don't make me call my mother about this, she'll kick you in the nuts, Hoho Hoyer."

Bush also urged Congress to send him a "clean defense appropriations bill and a war supplemental bill because I need my money to keep that awesome war movie going. Have you seen Black Hawk Down? That shit was fucking kick ass and I want more of it."

"They ought to get me a bill that funds among other things bullets and body armor, well maybe not body armor," he said. Bush also criticized Congress for trying to "hold hostage" funding for troops. "I have already stated how much I like action movies. I have already seen Band of Brothers like 50 times this month. Gimme my money!"

"It would be irresponsible to not give our troops the resources they need to get their job done because Congress was being a bunch of jerks and, uh, 'unable to get its job done' and shit," he said.

Hoyer's release said Bush's comments on appropriations bills and fiscal responsibility "ring hollow and frankly, make me think our President might not be all there. Not the sharpest tool in the shed, if you know what I mean."

"The fact is, this administration has pursued the most fiscally irresponsible policies in American history, turning record surpluses into record deficits and adding more than $3 trillion to the national debt, " he said. "I don't know how to state the fact any clearer, President Bush is a threat to national security, is destroying our economy, is keeping his disadvantaged supporters stuck in poverty and may even be a complete and total moron."

"Democrats are the party of fiscal responsibility today because we believe our government must pay for the things it purchases and not force our children to pay our bills. The fight over 2008 appropriations bills is not a fight over spending. It is a fight over priorities."

Its not plagiarism if its used satirically!

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Halloween Costume Aborted Due to Lack of Decent Cowboy Apparel

I could not locate anything that would look even remotely like the New Jersey Kid. I failed. Instead, I present the Cufflinks of a Time Lord:

Nous Non Plus in Slovenian Cell Commercial

And more Bjorn Turuoque from the 2005 World Championships:

Saturday, October 27, 2007

FEMA: Fallacious Emergency Management Agency

Briana alerted me to this lovely little news item. FEMA deputy administrator Harvey Johnson apologized for the agency's FAKE NEWS CONFERENCE about the California fires. They meant well, honest they did. The thing is FEMA had answers about the wildfires to the huge volume of questions they claim to have received and decided against having an actual press conference or issuing a press release. Apparently, the fastest way to answer these pressing, urgent, dire questions was to have FEMA employees pose as reporters and ask these questions of Johnson. You can really feel the anguish of those evacuated residents in questions like "Are you happy with FEMA's response so far?" and statements that clearly stated that this was a new FEMA and in no way were they bungling this situation like they did Hurricane Katrina. It is indeed different from Katrina, this time it's fire and wealthier suburbanites who can get themselves out of harm's way. I don't know if I am the man to give a true color commentary on this situation.

All the while, real reporters listened on a telephone conference line and were barred from asking questions. This is definitely a new FEMA and they have indeed learned from Katrina. They learned that a free press has no right to go digging through their business and should be happy to get the scraps FEMA tosses their way. The creeping effect of the White House Press Room has spread far. This is not an apple falling far from the tree, it is the rot at the center erupting on the surface.

"It is not a practice that we would employ here at the White House," said Press Secretary Dana Perino, mentioning three times that it was an "error in judgment." "It's not something I would have condoned, and they, I'm sure, will not do it again."

Please, you're just pissed they got caught.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Internet to be restored this afternoon

Sometime before 5 pm. So I can get back to my irregularly scheduled crap sometime this evening.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Halloween and Wikihow: Hilarious


I can't quite tell if the following articles are genuine or insulting:

How to Be a Goth!: Not at all fucking stupid.

How to Be a Classy Goth!: In other words, how to be all the minor characters in Ann Rice novels without being rich or having any actual class.

How to Write Serious Gothic Poetry!: If you aren't dead or addicted to laudanum, isn't that an oxymoron?

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Cobagitation in Congress: Censurship?

Shouldn't Stark be the toast of the town for this? Hell, if the New Left can get away with this with only an "OH HELL NO!" then why is Representative Stark getting the third degree?

I Have Been Against It With You For Longer Than You Know

Monday's Penny Arcade is spot on. I sympathize completely, as I have detailed before. Why anyone want a pet with even the possibility of developing this problem? The only thing Helob the Tarantula expresses is insatiable hunger. "Cricket snorkel" doesn't have quite the same ring to it.


Sometimes I think that maybe I should give in and use my genius for evil.* I bet I could make a shit ton of money as a contractor in Iraq selling excrement to the Baghdad Art Institute for modeling clay or something.

Sometimes I think that maybe I should walk in front of that bus.

*Besides using it to meet sexy ladies.

Monday, October 22, 2007

It's Like Garfield Was Right or Something

What are you going to do, Dick? Shoot them in the face? Make babpuptens with their children and pets?

Actually if you threatened me with that first fate, I might consider it a serious threat but only if I was one of his friends.

Added because my coffee sucks today: US "calls" for Iraq to take swift action? Let's stop pretending, fuckers. We are ordering our unruly Middle Eastern colony to do something that we know damn well they aren't able to do so we can look a little better after pissing off Turkey with the Armenian genocide declaration. Fuck this bush beating, we want to have our slightly morally appeased cake of a declaration and still use their airspace to bomb other people.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Gene Meme

My great-great-great-grandparent is Flying Trilobite.
My great-great-grandparent is A Blog Around the Clock.
My great-grandparent is Shakespeare's Sister.
My grandparent is Excuse This Mess.
My Sugar Momma is Saying Yes.

1. The best comedy in scientific dissections is: Brazil.

2. The best sexy song in orchestral music is: Messiah by Handel.

3. The best sexy novel in absurdist fiction is: The Plains of Passage by Jean Auel.

4. The best stand-up comedian in American politics is: Larry Craig.

My baby momma is unknown as yet and you can't prove shit so stop lying. I totally pulled out way early.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

I'm Good With My Hands

I have a feeling that I will appreciating my osmotic education in computing, carpentry, plumbing and general handymannery. This is bad news. I have some savings, nothing near six month's worth, and nothing in the stock market. I studied anthropology in college and that is a field that is highly recession proof*, but since I currently work in a field that is basically a luxury, I am reasonably certain that I will be considered expendable. At least I'll be free to explore my writing and get more reading done.

* Sarcasm is another recession proof field.

Boo Fucking Hoo: Hastert Resigning

"People (Republicans) are leaving because they find it is no fun to be in the minority," a Republican leadership aide said, adding, "We're going to lose seats" next year.

There are two things that I find fascinating in this sentence. That someone would consider the business of government fun and that a Republican't leadership aide thinks that they are going to lose seats. The first item is both sad and totally representative of the Republican't disregard for all citizens. It's fun to be in the majority and run the country like fucking SimCity X: RL? Go fuck yourself, cobag. This should be the most serious activity of your life.

I hope the Republican't party does lose seats. I also hope that the Democratic Party goes through a change up and people who are willing to make the changes that the people of this sorta-great nation keep demanding. Fucking slackers ain't helping anyone with their constant approvals and legalization of every one of Bush's constitutional clusterfucking.

Before I forget: Boo Fucking Hoo, Brownback. I guess Blogs4Brownback will have to support some other religious nut.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

DC Gets Taxi Meters: ABOUT DAMN TIME

I hope this turns out to be as awesome as it is in my head. It would be really funny if it all blew up in our faces, but I am sick of having arguments about the zones with otherwise nice drivers.

I have no doubt that the Taxicab Commission will delay as long as possible. I wouldn't be surprised if they tried some sort of injunction based on a claim that the meters will be too expensive or some similar nonsense. The meeting to decide the timetable for the change isn't for two weeks, but at least there will be some sort of timetable for this unlike Iraq.

The only timetable Bush seems to want for Iraq contains only casualty figures. Asshole.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007


That Cabin in Appalachia is Looking Real Tempting

Because it doesn't have a phone. But how will I connect to the world? of Warcraft?

There's a Whole Lot of Me That Isn't Surprised

Republican Senators love them some stocking wearing women. In fact, they insist this fetish be indulged in the office, at all times and in all weather. Ladies, I got your back. Hell, I got your fronts, too.

The basic issue here is...I'm straight up confused actually. Are they being sexist? Do they think they are training new staff to the costume of the professional government? Given the Republican habit of repression and general cobagishness in the area of social freedom, I am leaning toward sexist. The insistence that women wear hose underneath a pant suit is strange. Strange like a man wearing a diaper to work or trying to grab toilet paper from the stall to the right with his left hand.

I can't help but feel that this is somehow related.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Pass the Gin

I followed the link at Outside the Tent to read the original story about Gore and the UN's Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change winning the Nobel Peace Prize for their efforts in helping us fight global warming and saw this in the little reader comments tab:

The liberals and the PC crowd now have their delusion raised to Nobel status
Jeremy Mason, Houston, USA

Just remember that we are the ones with our heads in the sand, apparently. When the clouds are orange and the air burns us as we breathe, this jackhole will be weeping and saying, "We could not have known! WOE BE UPON US!"

A slightly different form of sellout.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Today's Targets

Korean BBQ stand at 14th and L
Halal Deli stand at 14th and G
M'Dawg Haute Dog on 18th Street
Ben's Chili Bowl on U Street
The Saloon
Probably somewhere else and then another chili dog.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Links for the Afternoon Fever Dream Dancing

Zipcar? How could you? I know it is expensive and all, but the ADA is pretty fucking clear. Don't be cobagz, I finally got my membership and would hate to have to cancel it.

In other types of news, holy shit I wish I had seen this show. Except that last night I was all fevered up and sitting at home and feeling sorry for myself while I watched mediocre TV. I will spend some time swimming through the interweb listening for YouTubers. I doubt I could have afforded it either given that I am currently supporting a mild food habit and the underpants gnomes have been raiding my domicile on a frighteningly regular schedule.

I am down to less than half of the boxers I had but one month ago. These fucking gnomes are raiding my hamper with brutal efficiency, what do they expect to find? Sulfuron ingots? I know I have been known to lay some brutal winds but seriously follks, what is happening to all my boxers? If I weren't already feverish and out of my mind with it, I might get a little crazy and feverishly out of my mind over this. Fucking gnomes.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007


I think I have strep again. The little bastards have moved into my throat. I need to find a doctor and may even look into having my doohickeys removed. Those things that hold the bacteria and shit. Some sort of extraneous throat anatomy.

Whilst Perusing, I Went Musing






Best thread for movie people.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Your Opinion Has Been Noted, As Has Our Revocation of Your Right to Further Express Opinions

But Dune was quite good

Andrew McKie 09 Oct 2007 16:49

while Lord of the Rings was crap. It's true the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen was total pants, but there was something to be said for V for Vendetta. And Sin City, though not my cup of tea, was very faithful.
Most of the Batman, Spiderman and Superman films were pretty useless, but then so were mnost of the comics. I shall be interested to see what they do to Neil Gaiman on the big screen. It doesn't look good, from the trailers.
The real miracle of adaptation from sf or comics was A Scanner Darkly. Exactly right.

I hated V for Vendetta. The movie was ponderous, lame and repetitive. The graphic novel was much better but the political philosophy was rather weak, despite the extremely interesting plot. Despite this, anyone who claims that the Dune movie was a better adaptation of a book than the Lord of the Rings movies should shut the hell up. Lord of the Rings had some glaring changes and omissions and I did not agree with all of them, or even some of them, but other than the fairly minor changes that did not affect large chunks of the basic plot of the books, it was a good adaptation of a book given the limitations of the medium of film. Dune, however, was an adaptation so far removed from the origin that you would have to classify it a new species. Sure, it had Fremen, big ass worms, a guy named Paul and some freaky blue eyed women, but much of the basic plot had been thoroughly altered to suit the studio's whims. Directed by Alan Smithee AKA David Lynch, even the four hour extended version with the goofy cartoon segment at the beginning couldn't save the mess of Dune. When I saw Heretics of Dune on a bookshelf, I thought it was about the making of this movie. I still liked it as a Saturday afternoon scifi movie, but it was far from a faithful recreation of the book. The Scifi Channel miniseries comes much closer.

In conclusion, you're wrong.