Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Once Again The Genius Asks, Is It Just Me?

Is it just me or is Lady Sovereign the Britney Spears of rap? Perhaps Avril Lavigne might be a better connection. I was listening to Love Me or Hate Me and I was thinking that it is fun but will it still be fun in 6 months? It isn't whiny teen wangst, but still.

Incidentally, I think wangst may be the single best contribution I make to the English language and I would bet some gruntmuffin out there thinks they made it up.

Note to AG: Look up there. I said they instead of he or she. Clearly, I am not sexist.

Monday, August 28, 2006

NEWSFLASH! Women are different!

I conferred with three sources this weekend and I have learned some things that others should also know.

1: Women are not men. This may seem obvious upon first sight from the beautiful bolus of breastisses and the overall body shape, but it is sometimes not immediately noticed that women are different in other ways as well. They are different in their minds!

2: Women like hugs. This is strange and odd. It is believed that this is related to the above note on women being different in their minds, but more research is needed. Fund me, NIH!

3: Women do not like certain types of jokes. This may be a singular and non-universal trait specifically related to the researcher. More research is needed.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

The Race for the Ward 3 Council Seat Heats Up!

I was walking back to work tonight and I spotted a blonde woman (AG?) dressed in black sweats ripping down signs for Marie Cheh (I think that is spelled correctly). These are blue with white lettering and I saw a few of them in a trash can the other day. This race is getting pretty dirty. I don't know anything about the candidates but I am not voting for anyone that voted for the fucking Nationals' stadium. If the council can vote for a special tax to build a motherfucking baseball stadium, then they can enact a tax to fix the crumbling DC Public School infrastructure (I am not exagerrating this, the schools are literally falling apart). Or the massive lead problem in the drinking water. Or the sewer system that routinely dumps raw sewage into the Anacostia and Potomac rivers. Or the public libraries that are temporarily being shut down for the forseeable future.

Anyway, I have the plates and a description of the car in case it is illegal to remove signs. I was walking right past her car as she drove away. I could probably (95%) identify her in a line up.

UPDATE OF THE SLIGHTLY LESS THAN NEWSWORTHY TYPE: I saw one of the Marie Cheh posters yesterday. It had been vandalized with a PART TIME sticker slapped on the big Cheh. Given the size of the sticker, it won't be legible to the people that drive by on Redacted Avenue. How Rovian, if Rove were 6 years old again.

Monday, August 21, 2006

The Descent: Alternate Endings

Yeah, umm, ok. YouTube has the original ending for The Descent. So do I. Don't watch it unless you like spoilers. It is not a huge spoil, though.

My imagined endings were far worse.
Scenario 1: It starts with the close up on Sarah's eyes in the torchlight, pretty much the same as the one above but she shudders a bit and then the camera moves out and we see that she is being eaten.
Scenario 2: She joins the gribblies in their subterranean existence.
Scenario 3: She joins the gribblies in their subterranean existence and we see that she is pregnant.

There has been some chatter about this movie on several forums, just check out Google. If I were forced at gun point to make remakes of movies, I would probably prefer death. That is just how I am. I might choose to rewrite this script without the gribblies and make it more a study of the insanities and relationships in the group. I wonder if you could make a horror movie without a monster. The Blair Witch was brilliant in this way. I would really like to see a movie or your recommendations that has no monsters at all. Kontroll had a similar plot line in that you were never really certain that the villian existed outside of the mind of the protagonist. There was also the thriller(horror?) The Hole, but that had more of a drama feel. I want a palpable menace and a paucity of monsters.


Everybody, it has occured to me that I may not have been clear enough in an earlier post. I did not write that poem about lost Carcosa. I was reading some stuff in Wikipedia about the various authors who contributed to the various story cycles made famous by Lovecraft and I read that poem and it inspired me to get back to work on some old projects. Once again, I did not write that poem.

I write really abysmal poetry about food. That is the only poetry I am willing to attempt.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Thursday Theft

Ted Rall's point is well made, but my opinion is that people think about Iraq a lot but on entirely the wrong topic. On the internet and in real life, the people I know give a shit and want to make real changes in the situation. Maybe we don't have great ideas but we know that the current course is suboptimal. Yadda yadda yadda, right?

Tomorrow is Friday and I will be looking for some professional wingnut to shred.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Call me lame (l4m3?) all you want but I'm inspired

Along the shore the cloud waves break,
The twin suns sink beneath the lake,
The shadows lengthen

In Carcosa.

Strange is the night where black stars rise,
And strange moons circle through the skies
But stranger still is

Lost Carcosa.

Songs that the Hyades shall sing,
Where flap the tatters of the King,
Must die unheard in

Dim Carcosa.

Song of my soul, my voice is dead;
Die thou, unsung, as tears unshed
Shall dry and die in

Lost Carcosa.

I am going to get back to my writing.


Tuesday, August 15, 2006


The only thing that keeps me from staying up all night anymore is the fact that my brother of indeterminate number must sleep. He can't sleep if I have the lights on and write and paint all night long. As much as it is nice having him around, I don't want to sleep much lately and all this resting is driving me nuts. Like a wheel on the front of my pants.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Excuse me Sadlynoicans, I'll take Paul Greenberg for all the marbles

Since Covad's email system is down from New Jersy to Virginia, I am taking the morning off to really let fly with my true feelings.

Let me open with a quote, from Greenberg's culvert of effluvia:
Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of the Democratic Party. Because if Tuesday's election returns in Connecticut are any indication, it's taking a well-traveled road - right over a cliff.

I love the Republican't strategy of saying that liberal stances are now far left fringe strategies. This has been working for a long time and been documented by my peers1 but I still get extremely annoyed by it. This is called transference. You are placing your fears onto another party. The Republican'ts have once again lost the public in a lopsided and foolish crusade against an enemy that didn't really exist before we created it. I am referring to the Clinton impeachment. The only problem is that they have fantastic PR. They emerged from a shit storm of bad press smelling like roses. I am worried they will do this again. If we were to look at comparable poll results for Clinton's impeachment versus Bush's, things look pretty bad.2
Think about it: The Dems now have lost two successive presidential elections, they've been unable to break the GOP's hold on Congress that dates back to the watershed congressional elections of 1994, and now they've managed to defeat . . . Joe Lieberman.

I don't want to sound too crazy, but both of those Presidential elections were quite suspect. The 2004 election just shifted the majority of fraud from Florida to Ohio. The list goes on and on and on. These allegations all sicken me because any subversion of the voting process is a blatant disregard for our history and our founding principles as a nation.

But even if he wins, the Democratic Party will have lost its last honest-to-goodness Harry Truman/John F. Kennedy/Scoop Jackson figure. Which would be a pity - and a bad sign for the future. Because when the party loses touch with the peace-through-strength strain of its history, it loses touch with a lot of voters.

I'll take the last part first. "Peace through strength" is fine. Peace through bombing the fuck out of all the brown people in the world and immolating our military in a senseless conflict is our current strategy and it is not working. The voters in Connecticut have declared that they are tired of this strategy and blanket support of the President's murderous policies. A desire to withdraw from the foolish and insane war in Iraq does not mean that we are soft on defense. It means exactly the opposite. The National Guard units will be brought home to do exactly what their name implies. Guard the Nation.

Talk abut retro, it's hard to read the news today without feeling intimations of the 1930s.

I agree with this statement but not with his sentiment. It is indeed hard to read the news without being reminded of the incidents in the 1930s and 1940s. The loonies calling for the genocidal nuking of Iran or Bill O'Reilly advocating Saddam style government.

Ned Lamont, now the official Democratic candidate for the U.S. Senate in Connecticut, reminds editor Peretz of the fatal charm George McGovern exerted over his party back in 1972, when another divisive war was raging in Vietnam.

You opened the door and I am now inviting in the ghosts of those incidents. McGovern was ratfucked out of the election by another group of people committed to election fraud. The times they aren't a changing. Is Greenberg suggesting Lamont is going to be ratfucked by the Connecticut GOP? Maybe not, but I wouldn't be surprised if that did happen. For more information, check out the book and movie version of All the President's Men. However, I will be accurate and say that I seriously doubt Greenberg would have anything to do with that beyond making crap up on his website. Oh and about Vietnam? That was a bad idea then and a great analogy now.
Well, we'll see. There are no sure things in politics. But it's clear to some of us that Lamontism is just McGovernism redux. Call it the New Isolationism. It might even be successful at the polls this time out. The old one was - till Dec. 7, 1941. Still, I can't think of a better way to enhance Republican chances in 2008 than to remodel the Democratic Party in the image of George McGovern. (Think how well a McCain-Giuliani ticket might do against a Ned Lamont type atop the Democratic ticket.)

Isolationist? I guess Greenberg hasn't read Lamont's website:
At this critical time in the Middle East, I believe that when Israel’s security is threatened, the United States must unambiguously stand with our ally to be sure that it is safe and secure. On this principle, Americans are united.

That just upgraded Greenberg from cobag to chunderloaf eating gruntmuffin.3

Let's hope it doesn't come to that. Because what's bad for the Democratic Party has a way of being bad for the country. When one of the two parties in a two-party system gets taken over by its True Believers, the balance that the system is supposed to provide is threatened. Which is why now is the time for all good men - and women - to come to the aid of the party.

I almost spit my drink all over my desk. If we take this entire paragraph out of its context, Greenberg is totally right. When the Democratic Party was kicked to the curb in 2000, our country went to shit. Further back, when the religious talibangelicals4 took over the Republican't Party, the balance in the system was ruined. Now our entire system of checks and balances is under assault. All good people should rush to the defense of the Democratic Party and vote for more people like Lamont and get our country back on a balanced walk of progress, instead of this danse macabre.

Greenberg ends his column with an extremely dignified cheap shot at Representative McKinney of Georgia, the Republican'ts' favorite punching bag. After all, she's black, female and pissed off at Bush. What don't they like about her?

1 By peers, I really mean those bloggers and writers who posses skills far superior to mine.
2 I don't know much about the quality of either poll and I encourage my reader to investigate it. Ipsos' web site, whose poll was cited by AfterDowningStreet.
3 I like gruntmuffin. I just invented it. Well, not completely, Pinko Punko gets the credit for the muffin part. But the grunt is all mine.
4 Clif's word. I love it. How does he get his site to the top of the Google search?

In which I bring out the big guns for dandrobium

I was listening to NPR this morning and I heard something interesting. Well, I hear something interesting everytime I listen to NPR, but this was particularly interesting. Tony Blair was decribed as "abysmally unpopular" if I remember correctly. The first five hits in a Google search for "Tony Blair's approval ratings" are this, this, this, this and this. If we look at the dates on these links, they are all over the place. I refined my search to 2006. We get an undated collection of polls from YouGov, a website that is new to me and another report from March 2, 2006 placing Blair's popularity at 28%. The Washington Post.com (a website I read with trepidation) claims that Bush and Blair are two peas in a pod that is headed for the bottom of the ocean of approval ratings. We have reached the main point of this linky paragraph. At what point does referring to approval ratings below fifty percent become inane? Shouldn't an honest reporter start calling them disapproval ratings? Wouldn't it be far more accurate to say that the UK's Prime Minister has a disapproval rating close to seventy percent? For that matter, if Tony Blair has "abysmal" ratings at 28%, why aren't Bush's ratings similar described? Instead of calling them bad or poor, shouldn't we be calling him one of the most reviled Presidents in the history of our fair nation?

You may have noticed that I am just linking to everything that shows up on the first page of a Google search. The reason is that the internets are a series of tubes and by screwing around with crap you can find a whole mess of supporting arguments, if you want. I don't want to do that. I like the internet the way it is and will fight to defend it. I did link to FAUX News and did so to show that I am all about arguments and countering them.

For my next piece of internet investigation, I was walking around my neighborhood yesterday and I remembered a couple of intriguing news stories. There is a connection that I find compelling and I haven't seen anywhere else. I would be extremely surprised if no one else has noticed this and, quite frankly, extremely disappointed if I am the first person to notice it.

Do you all remember the story of the stockpile of seized ammunition in Iraq was lost? My Google search is here. Artillery shells and explosives were stolen out from under our noses in Iraq. There were fears that these were stolen in order to make nuclear weapons. I thought that was ridiculous. A bunch of Madhi army(or whoever) guys are not going to steal munitions and sit on them in the hopes that some day some one might deliver them some fissile material and that they will also be delivered the expertise to make a fissionable bomb. The perps did the most sensible and useful thing with the explosives they could. They made IEDs with it. I should note that I HAVE NO PROOF OF THE VERACITY OF MY CLAIM. I only have news reports that describe IEDs as artillery shells and high explosives. While we are all running around screaming about nuclear, chemical and biological weapons, the fighters in the Iraqi Civil War are being quite effective at turning ammunition similar to what was stolen into cheap and easy to use anti-vehicle and anti-personnel booby traps. A Google search for IED returns Global Security, Wikipedia, and MSNBC.

There are a few times when I hate being right all the time.

Update: Perhaps now you understand my holding Washington Post.com to be slightly less than thorough. "Responsibltity"? Are they reading GWB's playbook?

Amendment to the Update: I just cruised by the Washington Post.com piece and they have fixed it. It is 4:08 by my computer and the last time I checked was around 1 pm.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

How I would like to fall in love (Totally Not Gayyeriffic)

I showed this short in my last job as a projectionist at The Avalon in DC. It is funny and pretty damn close to my anticipated reaction should I ever actually meet someone about whom I felt nuts.

7:35 de la manana

Learning from Experience

Lately, I have been in a little bit of a bind. The usual bind causing shit, you all know what I am writing. No matter what your particular choice of binding material, I am deeply (or shallowly, as the case may be) involved in that shit.

I am now approaching each situation in turn in a way that is most opposite of the way in which I either want to attack or the way in which my instinct (such as it is) directs me to assault. In terms of metaphorical relationships, none of the many and varied problems have any solution set that includes violence in any form but that is the state of metaphors as I use them.

There is one particular situation that could have me blog yelling because of the simple frustrativeness of it all and its sheer stupidity. I see the problem in itself with rosy tinted glasses of incredulity, those lovely specs that frequently cause me to ask how the fuck this all happened. Often times at high speeds as I sail through the air on a collisioin course with hard, asphaltic reality.

fulsome has been a witness to some of these rather spectacular flame outs and he may state from experience. In point of fact, he owns at least three pairs of flame retardant boxers and at least two pairs of asbestos briefs. I will not make any claims as to being the complete and sole source of his need of such garments as I speak only in riddles and metaphors. Suffice to say, he has seen some amazing bridge burnings and also dated some hotties. Take your pick.

I have been rejecting the displacing of predicates and anger of late. I am attempting to polish my style without convultions. I am also trying to avoid killing any particular member of the brothers of indeterminate number who may or may not be staying with me. It is not that we are fighting, so much as I like time alone from the rest of the world to decompress. I could sit still for hours and recenter. I also haven't really worked out for three weeks and that is driving me up the freaking wall.

The cause of said cessation has no migrated into the realm of irreleavancy and tomorrow I resume a full scale war on lipids and their residence in my body. I believe a morning and an evening session at the gym will help alleviate my feelings of claustrophobia and much of the tension in my mind. The tension in my body will have to wait.

I have decided that the problem is not mine for me to solve in reference to the first paragraph. If you have decided on a source of binding material in my life then I have a new solution set. Ignore the fuck out of it. There are certain things in life that require a little headbutting and this just may be one. Some times the direct approach is the only option.

By the way, run out and rent Brick. I'll wait for your thanks later.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Post 300: Hoody Hoo

Right. Despite all appearance to the contrary, I am not typing this. I am just trying to hit this before everyone else does and I am certain that I will fail and that all the cool kids will link it before I do. It is mildly funny. Less funny than Joel Hodgson's standup but more funny than this post.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Don't worry, I have everything under control

I was farting around on the internets yesterday and I got a message from a friend in the Peace Corps. She is stationed in Maurutania and has found out exactly what they mean when the Peace Corps describe a hardship post.
Shitting in a hole in the ground? Check.
Constant case of giardia? Check.
Eating whatever you can find? Check.
Cultural attitudes to your sex that you find morally repugnant? Check.
Climate that would make a Navy SEAL clench his butthole? Check.
Trash piles everywhere? Check.

Anyway, the conversation got me thinking about stuff. As usual, when I say stuff, I mean women. Basically, I suck at things that some people seem to want. I don't like comforting people when they feel bad. A person needs to feel bad in bad times so they can feel good in good times. I don't display emotions in a way that most people seem to understand or perhaps I display emotion in such a way as to declare myself unstable or immature. I haven't figured that out or if there is even a difference between the two. I definitely do not get all "I am in love!" on the second date. That is just plain crazy. The only people I have ever heard say that are people that have never been in love and confuse infatuation or even basic attraction with the other emoticon. This could not be a bigger kill on the incipient companionship incidence.

There is a fine line between Me Not Giving a Shit About Her Feelings and Her Being a Totally Needy Codependent. I have found (nothing new here) that with insecure people, you can get whatever you want, but she ends up calling you a lot and crying about it. This is more than a little lame. I haven't done this more than twice or so and I never started out that way, I just assume that other people feel a bit the same way I do about other people (again not exactly rocket science).

I don't even know where I am going with this or even the point. It's not like I have asked out anyone lately or even been asked out.


Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Good Fucking Riddance

Joe Lieberman can suck my hairy, white ass. In addition to voting for pretty much everything I would hope a Democratic Senator would vote against, he pulled some lame stunts during the campaign. I didn't like him when he was running as a VP with Gore, but I figured that would at least get him out of the Senate.

I would love to vote for a Senate candidate that will hold to these positions:
1. Repeal the Patriot Act and restore our civil liberties.
2. Begin impeachment proceedings against Bush for lieing to us about Iraq and everything else.
3. Dismantle the Department of Homeland Security and restore FEMA to its previous condition. You know, back in the '90s when they would remove people from a storm ravaged area before the storm hit.
4. Restore our diplomatic corps and get a diplomat in charge of the Department of State. Not a god damn warhawk.
5. Stand up to the Republican't steam roller of corporate interest.
6. Refuse money from oil companies.
7. Refuse money from car companies.

Basically, I want to vote for a person with principles that aren't on the market. If I have left any off the lift, please include them in the comments.

OH SHIT! I just remembered that I live in the District of Columbia and don't have Senator or even a voting member of the House of Representatives. FUCK. well, at least Rep. Holmes-Norton can vote in committee.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

On this day in history

In 1605, Charles the IX of Sweden, an excellently named king, founded the town of Oulu, Finland. There are many scholars who would debate this point, but I interpret this as a sign that the King had been visited by the time travelling rocker, Bjorn Turoque. Thirteen years from now, a man will take a journey that will ultimately end in peace on earth and good will towards air guitar seven years from now. The first step on this journey happened in 2004, when the first US Air Guitar Championships were held in New York and LA. The flames of peace were lit and then slowly stoked over the next 15 years until Bjorn realized his true calling and finished his time machine. He knew that he ad already invented the time machine and gone back to convince King Charles the IX to found the town of Oulu because, in 2017, an archaeological dig had found a stone in the foundation of a building in Oulu from the town's founding with an insciption of a knight holding his hand up in the air and blazing the horns.

Thus Bjorn knew his destiny was to build a time machine, found the town of Oulu in King Charles' name, and then return to his own time of world peace through air guitar. The Finns say it best, "You can't hold a gun while you are holding an air guitar."

Congratulations are due to Hot Lixx Hulahan for besting the wide field of opponents and becoming the 2006 US Air Guitar Champion. Remember to check out Air Guitar Nation at film festivals near you and follow the progress of our US Air Guitar Champion.

Monday, August 07, 2006

The Genius Explains: Mondays

I have been processing at roughly 50% capacity so far today. Given that my job requires a maximum of 3.89% of Total Available Processing Capacity, you may notice that I have 46.11% processing capacity currently available. This has been slowly decreasing throughout the course of the day as I shut down all non-essential tangents and topics of discussion. Other than the effort required to stream this bit of unconsciousness, I am not accomplishing anything beyond avoiding pissing myself. This is about the level of concentration needed for me to maneuver gracefully through a work day, so I am currently in good with management. I can not, however, remember the vague direction I had a few sentences ago.

I can hear the beginnings of thunder and I would be more than slightly perturbed by this event if I wasn't asleep right now. I have decided that my torn/injured muscle/tendon in my left knee is ignorable. I wanted to restart the workout routine that I have allowed to lapse the last two weeks. I have been rained out. At least I am not getting hit with any pies.

I have a coworker that I find very amusing. This coworker never uses a phone line with a number higher than 3. We have five outgoing lines and she refuses to use anything but 1,2 or 3. Nevermind the fact that all direct-line incoming calls must use lines 1 or 2, they'll just have to call back. I always use line 5 if it is available. I guess I think I have a lower status. In the time of homo habilis, I would have been constantly grooming other walking apes in an attempt to ingratiate myself in the phone society. If you allow me to carry this train of unthought to an extremely silly extent. It is silly because the homo habilis species had been extinct eons before the telephone had been invented. They remain the only species in genus homo that would actually have the social grace to turn their phones off in a theater, but that fact is sadly irrelevant thanks to Dick Cheney.

The only time...fuck it, I am going to sleep.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

fulsome love for the Pinko Punk-ass

Ok, so I have been trying to upload some pictures for half an hour. What the fuck. It was going to be funny, too. God damn it.

Fucking blogger.

Smartypants can upload all the NSFW photos she wants, but blogger won't even let me post one humorous picture.


The above comic comes from Indie Tits.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

The Object of Your Affection (and Possibly Your Binoculars)

So, this one time in college, a floor of women saw me naked from mid thigh up.

I had really long hair from 1994 to 1999. In my freshman dorm room, there were two mirrors. The one over the sink on the inside half of the room was only useful to me if I wanted to comb, primp and pouff my pubes. The mirror was set just over the sink and the sink was designed to be useful to those of all height classifications except tall. The combination of long hair and crouching over to loook at myself while brushing resulted in tangles. Tangles are sub-optimal.

The other mirror was right next to the exterior wall and placed high enough that it was extremely useful if I stood about 6 feet away from it. It never ocurred to me that standing naked in front of a window that faced another building would ever matter. Both sides of my dorm faced women's dorms. My window overlooked the campus virgin vault. During the winter, some of the guys on the same floor had spent some time looking for women that had forgotten to raise their blinds, but the project struck out. These toms could never see enough or notice anything across the roof in between. I figured two things: who would bother to look at me and if we can't see them, they can't see us. I was wrong.

It was a warm spring day and I was blowing off some afternoon classes, probably my morning classes as well, and had just gotten out of the shower. Since, my roommate was attending class I hung up my towel and air dried while I brushed out my flowing tresses in front of the mirror. I had the windows open for the breeze and the blinds were up. I heard some people giggling and laughing, but figured it was from the quad. I even took the time to look out my window for the source to see if I could pick up a game of ultimate or even meet some new people. I continued brushing my hair until it was mostly dry and then dressed.

As soon as I was dressed, my phone rang and my friend, TootsMagee, asked me if I was just brushing my hair and dressing. I said yes and she laughed her head off and hung up. I looked out the window a little more carefully and noticed a bunch of people looking out of two windows back at me. They all disappeared about a second after I noticed them.

At this point in time, I was left with two options. Go look for a game of ultimate or go capitalize on my new fame and try to get laid, or at least see some chicks get naked. I took option two. Needless to say, my arguments that I deserved a similar show from across the rooftop fell on deaf and extremely giggling ears. TootsMagee is still my friend and when we reminisce, she still admires me panache.

I was later voted The Only Man on Campus Studly Enough To Be Han Solo. I have a feeling this performance had a little influence on the selection committee.

I am also willing to bet that fulsome is really tired of hearing both stories.