Saturday, July 28, 2012

Head for the Hills

I'm on vacation in the Midwest.  This is cause for concern for plumbers, cause for joy among organic meat herders, and cause for terror among toilets.  I've lost track of the amount of meat sandwiches I have consumed in the last few days, but I haven't lost track of the number of shattered, post-apocalyptic, dystopian bathrooms I have left in my wake.

At a place called First Watch outside of Westlake, Ohio.
At Lady Chemisty's ancestral home in Iowa.
And, finally, at my expedition headquarters in Wisconsin.

The last one was so bad I had to retreat to the second floor until the gas dissipated.  I saw three men huddled in a crater in the living room die when they removed their masks too early.  President Obama is rumored to be debating the legality of declaring my butt a national threat.

I am worried for my family, as my parents, despite being rocks, tend to eat a high fiber diet.  I am worried that some may not survive this coming week.

Friday, July 13, 2012

A New Project for the Pork Snorkel Crew

Legal Disclaimer: Despite all similarities and a completely identical roster, the Pork Snorkel Crew is only loosely affiliated with Team Pork Cloud Mexico.

As chief scientist of the Pork Snorkel Crew, I am currently involved in researching a new breed of Oreos.  My lab team and I will be attempting to assemble jumbo Oreos from regular and double stuffed varieties of the popular snack food.  These enormous cookies will hopefully have diameters in excess of three inches, while remaining structurally strong enough to scoop soft-serve ice cream. These new Hand Oreos* should revolutionize everything, everywhere, and will probably win a Nobel Peace Prize after the cessation of the Toll Wars once the cookies are shipped to the Middle West. 

As I have not received notice from the FDA to halt testing, human trials will begin in a little over two weeks.

* I will not be calling them HOreos.