Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Right Up There

In December of 2004, I met a girl for a date. I had met her by thrusting myself into a conversation she was having with her friends about holiday spice pepsi. Before I continue I need to issue the following homework assignment: Blog Goblins, your assignment is to come up with the next believable, bad idea from an American soda company, like ash wednesday spice pepsi or something.
She thought I was funny, but her friends thought I was clearly touched because she had to shoo them away. I was surprised and we kept chatting while waiting for our coffees. Yes, ok, this happened at a Starbuck's. Coincidence, I tell you, coincidence! So she then gave me her number and I was even more surprised.

Long story short, we meet for coffee the next day. She is cute and interesting and things were progressing amiably until she tells me that she is in grad school writing program and working on a book. I then asked one of the dumbest questions ever. "So you want to be a writer?" We all know why she never called me again.

The Beginning of the...Beginning?

Well, this just makes you wonder. Soon we shall be implanting Walt Disney's thawed brain in a robot body and marching to his merry, greenshirted tune. Oh Happy Day!

Monday, November 28, 2005

Tarantula Tuesday

I put more water in Helob's dish. I am not sure if he is eating the crickets or if they are eating each other. I have seen them eat each other, but I have not seen helob eating any of them. Mostly, he just wanders around the terrarium.

Pretentious Poetry Tuesday!

I'm sitting here,
by and by,
watching the buffalo,
by and by.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Where is in the world is Chuckles San Diego?

I'll give you a hint, AG. fulsome and chuckles went to a college that has the same name as the town in which it resides. The state is Wisconsin and the college was founded a few years before the state was..umm...statified.

Now get your atlases, kids!

First one to guess right wins a kiss!

Second one to guess right is my bitch!

Last one to guess right is a cobag!

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Feel My WRATH!

Personally, I can't wait for the Republican agenda to come to fruition. I anticipate this day because then everyone will be unable to deny the horrible disregard these bastards have for our lives and way of life. Only then will we be able to rampage and start anew after the new revolutionary war. Then in two and a half hundred years, we will be revolting again. Although, the situation is pretty revolting as it currently stands...

Well, that was a pretty setup for a lame joke. Anyway, we pass the mic to Ranty McRambles, our correspondent in Aggravation, WI.

The real problem we face is that the right has managed to completely insulate their power base in congress from any repercussions. Look at the Lewinsky Impeachemnt thing. The public was largely opposed to that whole process, yet those morons forged ahead figuring that they could win out and remove the strongest opposition to their plans. They were dead wrong, but yet they are still in power and will likely remain so for a good long while. The right is using gerrymandering and mouthpieces like McCain and the alleged moderates in the Senate as their poster children for change. Nothing has really changed. Everytime McCain and his buddies come out and protest the motions still pass. These guys are on a short leash and only oppose when the motion already has enough votes to pass the Senate. The right has solidified its hold on committees through intimidation and bribes. The Republican party demands absolute loyalty for campaign money and recruits self serving bastards. If the Democratic party could unite and become just as devious, I would despise them as well and we would be truly lost as a nation and the dream would be completely dead.

Essentially, what we need is a complete wash out of both houses of Congress and an absolute end to campaign contributions. The government should finance all political campaigns with budgets based on registered voters in the districts voting for the candidates. Viva la revolution!

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

The quickest way to a man's stomach is through his brain...

Or something like that. I thought I should post a little bit about myself for a change. I like girls whose primary news sources are The Onion and The Daily Show. We can laugh together. I like girls, and friends, who are smarter and more determined than me. They help me motivate myself. I like girls that are so captivating that when we talk I completely forget to bring up the subject of movies. They prevent me making an even bigger ass out of myself than I normally do over such an insignificant topic. I like girls, and friends, that are still interested in my opinions on such an insignificant topic as movies even after we have been talking about AIDs prevention in Africa.

Looking at this post, one might think that it was written in code. To that, I have only this response: I owe fulsome big time. Big time.

Guess Who!

Which one is Chuckles? The article is titled President Clinton Takes Leave of Office to Stand in Line for Star Wars: Episode 1 in the Onion's archives. By the way ladies, this picture was taken six years ago. Just in case you were wondering, you you could picture me while humping your girl/boyfriend or whatever.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

King Stinking Arthur

There have been some bad movies about King Arthur and the associated myth cycle(First Knight, Sowrd of the Valiant, the entire Gargoyles TV show) but Antoine Fuqua's King Arthur really takes the cake and drops a hot, smelly load all over it. Kiera Knightly ran around saying, "Look at me! I'm being coy!" and shooting arrows at people. Clive Owen and Stellan Skarsgaard strolled through the film like they were biding time between great scripts. Everybody just sort of showed and collected a paycheck. The only thing flimsier than the fighting was the plot.

The Defining Moment

There is a point that happens in everyone's life where we choose between two distinct and known paths. These incidents can happen on a daily basis and be wuite trivial, like choosing a donut flavor. Sometimes they are very important. Monumentous even. For me, these two choices frequently involve truth and untruth. I am frequently presented with oppurtunities to lie for my benefit or detrimentally stick with the truth. I have so far chosen to stick with the truth. In my search for my raison d'entre or even enlightenment, this policy has served me well. Financially, my chosen paths have been nothing short of disastrous. I am presented with this choice again. I will make my decision by the end of the day.
UPDATE: My coworker thinks that this is called maturity and not subsuming my dignity. Sounds like pretty much the same thing to me. I guess I'll keep with the dignity destroying choice. On the other hand, someone from China wants me to come teach at their school. Or steal my organs. I am not sure yet.

Monday, November 14, 2005


The date was really cool. We just had dinner and talked and then I walked her to her destination and that was that. It was refreshing to have a date in the traditional sense of a conversation about each other over dinner. There was little to no pressure to perform for the crowd in my head. I had a good time. There may be another date and there may not be. If so, then yeah for me, as I would like that, but if not, well, that's life and I need to find someplace else to get coffee, I suppose.

Assault on New York, Part Deux

The bus ride to New York was ok. We stopped in some podunk rest stop and the bathrooms and food selection sucked although the was a, say it with me, Starbucks. I refrained. The bus driver had a couple of movies for us to watch, Guess Who? (sucked, predictable movie with no real punch) and some Benny Hill episodes. I wouldn't have gone with the Benny Hill personally, because it was really obnoxiously loud and designed to satisfy everyone's need to complain. We got to Penn Station/Port Authority and met Timbolo's friend. My friend, who was supposed to meet me downtown so we could hit some cool places, bailed and was still in Flushing. I thought about going to the comedy club with my brother and his friend, but decided to head out to Flushing. This was fine. After one ride out to Flushing last January, I have no trouble with the NY subway systems. The bus systems are not for the faint of heart, however. There are at least 4,000 separate bus companies and they all run all over, as far as I can tell. Some look like tour buses and some like tranist buses and some like prison transit buses. I meet my friend at a Taiwanese place and we had some food and walked to a bar he likes and got good and drunk. As we were leaving, I told the bartender she had great New York boobs. Then we left like the assholes we were that night and walked to his apartment to watch Chappelle Show Season Two.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Hot Flash News!!!

I have a date with the twinkie tonight. I am not really sure that is the best way to identify her, but it is batter than posting her name and address for all you blogstalkers. Anywhoo, we are meeting in Dupont Circle and having a night on the town.

Then, tomorrow morning, I am making pancakes with my Dad in our house for the last time on a Saturday morning. My Dad made pancakes for us most Saturday mornings when we were growing up and lived with the rents. When I went off to boarding school at the government's insistence, that is what I missed most. Well, that and the help my Dad gave me with math. When I came for the various holidays and breaks, I would try to remember to buy maple syrup that the school made from the trees on the grounds. I will miss eating pancakes grilled on the stove in our house. I will miss the house my Dad built. Not just because he did most of the work and what he didn't do, his male relations did. I will miss the crazy orange tree from Africa that is really an Acacia variety and not an orange tree at all. I will miss the three inch thorns on that tree and how they could go all the way through your foot. I will miss the 2 inch diameter pseudo-oranges and miss throwing them into other yarsd and at cars. I will miss my Mom trying to talk to us from the basement when the washer and dryer were louder than her. I will miss mowing the lawn in 70% humidity and 90 degree heat. I will miss the wallpaper my Mom put in that makes itlook like old people live there. I will miss falling down the stairs and putting hy knee through the drywall and my Mom chewing me out about wrecking the wallpaper. I will be sad, but I will move on because that is life and one must put your best knee through the wallpaper.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Assault on New York

This is hellaciously late.

The weekend of Labor Day, this year, 2005, my younger brother and I went to New York to see some friends. We were both staying with friends from college. We meet up in Tenleytown to catch the bus and I picked up a Subway sandwhich to split. My brother, call him Timbolo, scarfs his as soon as he arrives and we cruise into the Whole Paycheck looking for more food for the four hour trip to New York. Whole Paycheck had a couple varieties of cheese for sampling and I bounced between them while Timbolo looked for snacks. I was checking stuff out and realized that while I was eating cheese, the store had become flooded with extremely hot women. It was a little disconcerting. I didn't want to stare, but everywhere I looked there were three or four beautiful babies. It started to affect my sanity and I began eating as much cheese as I could to prevent my mouth from running rampant over my logic. I was able to find relief when my brother found the sandwhiches and we chose a couple, got some water and went to check out. As we were making our way to check out, we kept walking down aisles and being confronted by bodacious booty. It really began to overload my limbic system and the lower brain kicked in. Luckily, it chose the flight response, because it could have gotten ugly.

Part II later or maybe tomorrow or Sunday.


I challenge anyone else to start posting home made poetry regularly. No content limits and whatever style and meter you want. Here is my first salvo:

Cold feet in the morning,
Warm bed at night.
Elvis on the radio,
Singing, baby, it's all right.

Can fulsome retaliate? Check out the Nerdspace to find out!

Monday, November 07, 2005

Coffee Update

So I asked out the cute girl at my local Starbucks. I haven't yet determined if this will turn out to be a complete whale hunt or not. Things went pretty bad for a chat up on Thursday. I suddenly turned all shy when I was trying to ask her out. And then there was an audience of people trying to get coffee when previously there had been none. If it weren't for the excellent backup of Superman, Batman would never have gotten to the point of giving her his phone number. Normally, I am not a shy guy, but asking a girl out in front of a bunch of tweaked out cap-heads threw me off my game, such as it is.

Perhaps I should clarify. They know me as Batman because one day when I was really zoned out I went in there with a Batman shirt on. Superman called me Bruce as he gave me my coffee and I thought he had me mistaken for somebody else. So that's a whole injoke between me and him. Turns out the Green Lantern works there, too.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

I have forseen this...


Just remember that whenever you all think of me. This past spring I forsaw a series of events and they have happened exactly the way I predicted. That being said, now I have to find a way to manipulate current and future events so that this all comes to a favorable conclusion.

Friday, November 04, 2005

A Good Buddy's Advice

fulsome has informed me that I am playing with fire. Since I don't like getting burnt, I will stop poking the embers.

Thursday, November 03, 2005


This was bat shit crazy ridiculous! I wasn't able to decide if they were making an attempt at a spoof or an attempt at a scary movie. I left the theater laughing. Almost as good a comedy as Starship Troopers 2 or House of the Dead.

I can't wait for the two part saga of Dungeon Siege by German director Uwe Boll. He is the new Roger Corman, without all the good movies and good people working for him.


Loved it. But then I have worked in a crappy pizza joint and waited tables for some truly obnoxious pricks. And their fourteen children. And gotten stiffed on tips.

It was additionally good because Ryan Reynolds wasn't the focus of the movie. He was funny in his schtick, but there were other people who had time on screen. When I worked at the pizza place, I invented a game in which the male servers would flip their aprons over our money and receipt holders and get it to stand straight out from your crotch like a shelf or a thin, flat, wide penis. The end result looked like your boner was holding up the bill folder. The goal was to see how long they could talk to people, with their apron and bill holder sticking out, before the customer made a comment. We only did it to the younger customers or the pretty gilrs. The manager did not appreciate it as much as I did.

In my fraternity, we called this maneuver the 'Cat Brain'. You wouold grab hold of your nuts and pull the skiin of sac really tight so the veins would show and your balls looked like the two hemispheres of a brain. It was small so we called it the cat brain. Some of the guys would meow while they walked around with the cat brain sticking out of their fly. If you looked, you were called a fag and hit. This all took an abrupt turn for the worse when I flicked Chad in the cat brain with my middle finger and he collapsed in pain for the next few days.

In short, I loved the movie Waiting and look forward to watching it with my friends. Who am I kidding, I have no friends.

Serenity NOW!

Grant me the wisdom to watch the bad movies and the good,
so that I may know the difference between.
Grant me the patience to hold my tongue in the theater,
because it is so long and troublesome.

Serenity was all around good. I have only seen five of the thirteen episodes of 'Firefly', the show the movie was based on, but they were ok. They were ok like Buffy was ok, but they sucked like Buffy sucked. I think that if the show had been released when Angel was, it would have done as well. Firefly' had the same problems and blessings as Buffy, but couldn't ride the wave like Angel did because it was too distant in time from Buffy.

Serenity was good. I thought the bad guys in the movie were quality and the good guys were a kind of not as slick Han Solo and his buddies, which made them cool as well. The plot flowed and only had one minor problem that I don't mind. A lot of funa nd I look forward to seeing it in focus on my own tv. Which brings me to my next statement.


Wednesday, November 02, 2005

We Pursue...

That Which Retreats From Us. The truly weird thing about life is that people always want what we can't have. Stable jobs, money, love, whatever. Now the girl I am thinking about more often lives in freaking Africa and the only reason I keep thinking about her is because I can't hang out with her and she can't drive me freaking batshit crazy like she did when she lived in town. And I don't mean crazy in the good way.

I guess what I am saying is that I seriously need to meet a girl and start driving her away like I always do, so then I can start thinking about her instead of the other. On that note, I vow to ask out the cute girl in the Starbucks near work tomorrow. Maybe I can actually date someone without pushing them to move to Africa.