Monday, April 30, 2007

Review of The King of Kong

My review of The King of Kong is hosted here.


It's Monday and I have a mild situation.

I remembered a really lame song I wrote when I lived in San Francisco. More on that later.

Friday, April 27, 2007

It's raining

Rain rain rain rain rain. I have an inside line on some poodles if anyone wants to buy one. Just don't look a gift poodle in the hoof.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Perhaps it is time for the funny?

My mind is a weird place. I am not unusual in this regard. I am perhpas unusual in the frequency and variation of my peculiarities. Evidence: I argue with pretty women about global warming and then they decide that they never want to see me again. Also, I refuse to date anyone that voted for Bush in 2004. That kind of willful disregard for the truth is the same as denying global warming. Further evidence: This paragraph. I did not start this paragraph to talk about global warming and how it is destroying my love unlife. I started it to somehow find a way to segue into the claim that my mind is a strip club.

Rather like the nudity buffer or the water closet of Patrick's love, I am constantly bombarded with boobs in my bored brain. Either that or I should drink more water because I am becoming dehydrated by the sudden onset of 80 degree weather in DC. I am not complaining about the heat, I am merely adjusting to it.

Perhaps I just wanted to share a funny thing I said in reference to the Spice Girls:
"They dance for me, every now and then, in the strip club of my mind."

Memories, in the strip club of my miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiind.

And now a little something from Jeff, my favorite character on TV ever and the one I probably resemble most (definitely NOT fucking goddamn dumbshit CHANDLER):

: When God made the arse, he didn't say, 'Hey, it's just your basic hinge, let's knock off early.' He said, 'Behold ye angels, I have created the arse. Throughout the ages to come, men and women shall grab hold of these, and shout my name!

Monday, April 23, 2007

Earth Day with The Genius

I spent Sunday with one of my brothers and his wife. They came over and we walked along the canal and found a spot for a picnic by the Potomac River out on the boat launch/concrete patio that is west of Chain Bridge. I don't know why the patio thing was built but it is a nice place for a picnic. There is no shade, so bring your sunblock. The river is pretty wild at that point and it drowns out the nearby highways completely and most of the aircraft noise from the National Airport flight path.

We had a lovely picnic with carrots, pretzels, manchego cheese, awesome multigrain bread and four types of spread. We had a boursin cheese spread, vermont white cheddar cream cheese, kinda chunky hummus and some kind of vegetabel infused cream spread. It all went together really well. We had a small apple pie as dessert.

My brother and I tried not to dwell on the news we received on Friday. We watched the turkey vultures wheeling over an area about 50 yards away and wondered briefly what had died. Then we walked back to Fletcher's Cove and met some other people. It was nice.

Friday, April 20, 2007

The Week Isn't Over Yet

I just received some pretty awful news. A friend's mom and grandmother were shot in a carjacking attempt just outside Nairobi. The Whites were stationed in the Congo when my parents were and their oldest son, Elijiah, and my younger brother and I would pal around. Being a diplomat is not all wine and cheese, relaxing by the pool, sitting in an air-conditioned office discussing the latest situation with some official, sometimes it involves assholes with assault rifles.

This Week Had Its Moments

Other than dinner last night, those moments were all either fucking awful or ninth circle of hell in nature. We all know what happened Monday and while I had no personal connection at all to that horrible mess, Blue Girl had a great post about it.* I got into a fight with my boss on Tuesday. Wednesday, nothing much happened to me. Yesterday, I had a lovely dinner with AG and we managed not to look totally crazy to all the other patrons at Coppi's.

Throughout the week, people were being blown up all over Iraq. I had a conversation with a cab driver about that and it can be summed up thus: we are both pissed off and sad that America has fucked up Iraq. We also talked about DC voting rights, but that and a plane ticket out of Iraq are two things that aren't happening any time soon.

So, without further ado, a random ten that isn't so random because Windows Media Player's randomization feature sucks:

The Police - Roxanne (from Every Breath You Take: The Classics)
Animaniaks - Turf Dancing (from DJ Shadow's The Outsider)
M.Ward - Post War (from Post War)
MSTRKRFT/Wolfmother - Woman Remix
Elvis Presley - Hound Dog (from some album)
Paul Simon - Under African Skies (from Graceland, a great road trip album)
The Flaming Lips - Pilot Can at the Queer of God (from Transmissions from the Satellite Heart)
Lilly Allen - Alfie (from Alright, Still)
The Grates - 19 20 20 (from Gravity Won't Get You High)
Camera Obscura - Razzle Dazzle Rose (from Let's Get Out of This Country)

*She might want to change that post title because the URL is now "On Needing Anal" and that is way too funny for her serious pants. Even if those pants are probably hot.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Amassing Evidence

An optimist is a person who sees a green light everywhere, while the pessimist sees only the red stoplight. The truly wise person is colorblind.

Albert Schweitzer

Idependent verification indicates that I am both wise and frighteningly intelligent.

Is it morally reprehensible?

Is it morally reprehensible to use a two year old to meet women? My nephew would make an awesome wingman. I doubt his mother would approve.

Bloggers Gonna Work It Out

Tonight, AG and I are going to settle many issues facing the blogging world. Issues like sexism, racism, ideology, religion and spelling.

Monday, April 16, 2007


My apartment has no hot water and no electricity. Many millions in the world suffer through the same situation daily for their entire lives. Those people do not live in the District of Columbia and no one asks them why they clearly haven't showered when they report for work. It was cold in my apartment this morning and the water was freezing and since I hope to use my penis for fun and profit at some point in the future, I skipped the shower.

I saw Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film For Theaters on Friday. Review to be posted today. I also saw The Lives of Others. Ditto on the review schedule.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Air Guitar Nation Playing For One Last Weekend in NYC

New York City people reading this should run out and see Air Guitar Nation at the Village East theater. This is the last weekend it will play there. People of Austin, TX will be able to see this awesome and rockingly funny movie starting Friday, April 13th, which is tomorrow for those keeping track.

Go buy some tickets.

Dan Crane/Bjorn Turoque/Jean Luc Retard (Whoops! Haha) will be on a game show called Identity on NBC Friday the 13th as well. I will make an attempt to watch this because I am not going anywhere this weekend as I spent all my money last weekend. I am now the happy, but poor, owner of every DVD of Battlestar Galactica, whether we are talking about the original or the new series.

Sir Charles Rockley

Three Days

Three days without coffee and I damn near told my boss to get his head out of his ass and dump the double standard or I would tell everyone how badly he fucked up at the conference and what a fucking nightmare he has made of everything since. The only reason shit hasn't completely hit the fan is because I am so damn good.

There but for the grace of God...

Certainly isn't for the grace of coffee. God I could use a pot or three. At least the headaches have decreased in severity today but I feel like I am being stretched on a very slow rack.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

My Head Is Separating From My Body Like The Guy In John Carpenter's Thing

I have not had any caffeine today because I have decided I like pain. I am cutting out mochas and cookies in addition to continuing my work outs. I forgot to make any coffee this morning and did not want to buy any, so here I am suffering through the DTs.

I am listening to my music at a comfortable level in my office since I am the only one on the floor at the moment. I don't mean on the floor under my desk scratching at my eyes like I am wont to do on days without coffee. I mean there are only two other people in the office and they are downstairs with their office doors closed.

Windows Media Player just shifted from Architecture in Helsinki's Maybe You Can Owe Me to Ennio Morricone's Theme from The Good, The Bad, The Ugly and my brain just became a 29 dimensional space. That is as high as I could count from all the shivering.

In other news, I bought some music last weekend:
Film Music by Ennio Morricone which has everything a guy could want
Sigur Ros' Space Angel Fetus album (I am not going to try to work out the ASCII on the name again)
Animal Collective's Feels
Wolfmother untitled Frazetta cover art album
Golgol Bordello Gypsy Punk Underdog World Strike
Man Man Six Demon Bag

This fulfills the FDA Recommended Yearly Allotment of Experimental Music. If we factor in Blueberry Boat by the Fiery Furnaces and Animal Collective's Spirit They're Gone/Spirit They've Vanished or whatever the fuck that album is called, if it can be called an album, than I can safely say that I have exceeded the FDAYAEM and am approaching overdose. I plan on buying another Animal Collective album and Broken Hearts by the God Damn Doo Wop Band, the former of which will definitely result in a total collapse of all conversational ability regarding any topic other than music. Poser will tattooed across my forehead and I will locked up with a CD player and some headphones which will only play Pachebel's Canon and Van Halen's Panama in an attempt to cure me.

Also, do you capitalize the the in the God Damn Doo Wop Band or the Fiery Furnaces? I have seen it both ways.

Nothing Ever Happens These Days, Not Like The Good Ole Days

I was reading through the headlines on Wonkette and they linked to a post by the "formidable" "law" blogger Ann Althouse about her trip to LBJ's Presidential Library. Given the even-handed treatment she so kindly gave me during the Tucker Incident, I am not at all inclined to link to her site.

Unlike her, I chose to read her entire post and I wish I hadn't. She really is as bad as Brad Altrocket (or whatever his handle is today) says she is. She is probably worse than Pinko Punko says she is, but that is only because he is too nice with some. I did not read the comments.

"And there are three floors of exhibits, which pull you through the history and culture of the 1960s, the time when I was a teenager. Did so much more happen then, or does it only seem so to me?"

I guess she is right. Not a thing is happening today.

Monday, April 09, 2007

Bush Prevented From Assassinating Self and Cheney with Hydrogen Car Bomb by Kung-Fu-Flying-Leg-Kick-Two-Fisted-Gun-Blazing-Ford-President

This story has been zipping all over the internets since Saturday but forgive me for I just read about it today. Apparently, Bush is unconsciously suicidal about the immense fucking mess he has made of pretty much everything. In a move that is regarded by at least one blogger (me) as the sole attempt at an informed decision and a stroke of momentary intelligence, Bush decided to try plugging in the wrong end of the hydrogen powered car being showed off by Ford. The explosion would likely have incinerated Bush and severely damaged Vice-President Cheney's mecha-exosuit.

The only other explanation that one can derive from this incident is that Bush an arrogant son of a bitch who couldn't be bothered to listen to the instructions and warnings of the man trying to show off the new car. We all know that Bush listens to experts so that couldn't possibly be the case. Therefore, he must be a suicidal nutjob and secretly desires to take full responsibility for his and Robo-Cheney's actions by immolating both of them.

Would the nation finally understand the true legacy of Bush and Cheney if this had happened? Would they finally be acknowledged as the bumbling morons they are? Or would the nation commit fully and completely to petroleum forever? Would Pelosi have said anything nice at the funeral? Would Ford be branded a bunch of terrorists? Would Al Gore have made any jokes about Bush's carbon footprint, other than saying it was all over the White House lawn? Would I have shed a single tear?

Two Bits on Karl Rove

This is a David Lynch joke on Karl Rove. Hilarious.

This is just fucking sad. No wonder he has been working so hard to dismantle the American democratic sytem of government. If I had to wear glasses like that with that haircut in college, I would probably have gone nuclear with sexual frustration. I mean, I was a huge dork in college with all the science fiction and games and stuff and I still got laid. Rove looks like he is nine years old and wearing his dad's glasses and playing dress up on Take Your Son to Work Day.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Someone is Tempting My Wrath!

I was just called by an automated telemarketer with a refinance offer. I don't own a home. I don't have a land line. I thought we weren't supposed to get telemarketing calls on cell phones.


Update: I was right. Regulations prohibit using automated dialers to call cellular numbers. The number was from the 712 area code, in western Iowa. That's a long bike ride for an ass whupping. I better get moving.

Yet More Nepotism Associated with Bush

Wolfowitz has been promoting his sweetie against the rules of the World Bank.

Decency is in the dictionary, but Bush and his buddies tossed that book out when they got to deceit.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

On This Day 27 Years Ago, My Life Was Ruined Forever

So the youngest of the Brothers of Indeterminate Number is 27 today. Wooo. Happy Birthday. What the hell should I get him? He is married to a fantastic woman, has a nice apartment, job interviews left and right, and plenty of fun stuff to do in his off hours.

Any ideas?

AU Students Attempt to Arrest Karl Rove

Apparently a bunch of AU students tried to perform a citizen's arrest on Karl Rove after his speech/meeting with the Campus Republicans last night. That is all kinds of awesome. The activists were unfortunately unsuccesful. That is no kind of awesome. This flickr account has pictures and also a phone number that should only be used by members of the press trying to reach the user for official comment. No abuse or death threats, wingnuts.

Not that any wingnuts are likely to listen to me in that regard.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Look, Little Baby Jesus, Throw Me a Fucking Bone Here

Every day, I endeavor to be a good person. I try to be a good person by my own definition of such and even with this perhaps perverse definition of good, with which I won't burden this post or you, I have an extremely hard time of it. I have to remind myself that beating the holy hell out of dog owners is a punishment that does not fit their crimes every time I see a huge steaming pile of dog leavings on the sidewalk. I have to remind myself not to buy 47 iced cookies every morning and eat them in a frenzy that would make Cookie Monster weep. I have to fight the urge to go running off into the wooded parks I pass on my way to work, for I would build a fort and extract a hefty toll from all those who chose to enter my shaded domain. I have to remind myself that even though that hollowed-out tree is an awesome hiding spot, joggers and others enjoying the great outdoors do not appreciate it when you jump out and scare the bejeezus out of them. I remind myself that it is not okay to gather all the soap opera and fashion magazines in the supermarket and burn them in the street, even if they promote an unhealthy body image. I have an especially hard time being good when I am left unsupervised and connected to this brilliant series of tubes.

I don't want to have hope for the Transformers movie, but when I hear that others are writing poems about it, I become curious. When I read those poems, I have to fight urges and work things out in literature. As with so many events that affect my life, I have no power to change the product of Michael Bay's latest efforts. All I can do is eviscerate people with wit. If this movie sucks, I will write about it in an open and honest manner and perhaps Mr. Bay will try to get me fired.

CHUD clued me in to this and also included a link to Yahoo's Transformers image gallery.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Not An April Fool's Post

Unlike this.

Or this.

And I am not sure about this.

Make sure to watch the video. It makes it pretty clear that the reason this putz is having such a hard time playing WoW is solely due to the fact that he has very poor grasp of the controls.

I had a lovely day with a person who self-describes as a conservative. I have no idea what just happened. We even discussed global warming and agreed on it. I am not sure where I am right now, but I think it may be the Zone. Or the Sixth Dimension, where things get ROUGH.

BTW: I forgot to mention this. I saw it and figured that it wasn't a joke because my boss does this all the damn time.