My New Musical Project

I am starting a band called Catfish Jones and the Bottom Feeders. I will always wax my mustache at our appearances.

I may sometimes play with Wyatt and the Earps, but I will not wax my 'stache at these shows. Even if Wyatt and the Earps open for Catfish Jones and the Bottom Feeders.

Now all I need to do is learn to play the guitar, get some instruments for my backing band, get a backing band, and write some songs. The wealth and fame will come as soon as everything else is built. I've already got a fan club, or maybe they're paparazzi. Whoever they are, they are the people that take my picture when they think I am not looking, they are the people that send their kids over to say they like my mustache at the Renn Faire, they are the people who stop and stare, they are the people who ask to have their picture taken with me.

I have only one question for these people, WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS FAMOUS ON THE INTERNET!?!?

Showdown at IPK Corral

Last Tuesday's sighting of Starla (Jimmy's Girl from Saturday a week past) must now be filed as a fake sighting. That must have been some other attractive blonde DC lady. Given "Starla's" reaction to our accidental meeting in the Italian Pizza Kitchen (IPK) of just a few short minutes ago, that can't have been her a week ago.

I walk in to the IPK with my brother and cousin to pick up our pizza and there she is sitting with some other friends. Remembering Pinko Punko's advice, I tried to smile at her when we both noticed each other. I smiled and and she smiled back. It lasted about 3 seconds before I started laughing and said, "Ok! That's it! That's fucking it!" I walk out laughing and apparently, with a look on my face that told my brother and cousin that I was about to murder somebody. My cousin even asked me, "so, who are we about to get in a fight with?" This only reinforces my view of myself that maybe I should make an effort to distinguish my angry eyes from my laughing eyes.

After several minutes of awkward glances and smiles, and multiple questions about just what the fuck was going on, and why the fuck was that table full of people staring at me, I asked "Starla" if Jimmy was out with her. She said no, to which I asked her if Jimmy ever went out with her, or if he just stayed in watching TV. She kinda smiled and then asked if I had finished my book. I said that I had indeed and that it was alright but no great source of enlightenment. She then asked if she could take a picture with me.

How could I say no and not look like an angry asshole? Or even more of an angry bastard then my brother and cousin already thought I was. So the picture was taken and we parted ways with a "see you around" and a "have a good night."

My luck is fucking weird.

Facial Bronzing Cream? That's Aisle Six Mr. Carlson

Once again, I find myself in a position to ridicule Tucker Carlson. This is not a habit or hobby for me, but once some dude threatens you with destruction, you have to make hay while the sun pelts you with lemons. Or in this case, tubes of bronzing cream.


I was waiting for the bus last night and talking with a friend when he/she regaled me with a 100% true story about seeing Tucker Carlson in one of the neighborhood CVS stores.¹ This friend said that he/she/it had seen Tucker Carlson in line with a packet of Neutrogena Instant Bronze face cream. This is sweet, sweet confirmation of my previous statements on Tuck a l'Orange's suspiciously even skin tones. This is also extremely sad for me. All of my experiences with Tucker Carlson left me with the distinct impression that he is the kind of guy who has a full staff of primpers and preeners to perform all the unpleasant chores of his life like chewing his food, powdering his balls and applying his tanning creme. I figured with the kind of money that his wikipedia page claims that he has, Tucker would have some exotically accented butler following him around and picking up his discarded McDonald's wrappers, maybe even calling him sir. I guess times really are tight for everyone and that may be why no one has seen him at the video store, Netflix is indeed cheaper if you watch more than 1 movie a week. Of course, he may not go to that video store anymore because he was such a publicly raging asshole, but I digress. Honestly, if the economy has gotten so bad that the inheritors of multiple massive estates can no longer afford the soft, supple, manicured hands of Jeeves to apply their artificial bronzer and must now rely on Wagner Power Painter Wide Shot Max to do the job, what is next? Will Tucker Carlson begin standing around stop lights with a wash rag and some Windex? Damn the irresponsible fiscal policies of the past for Tucker's sad fate!


A Personal Note to Tucker Carlson: Before you get all snippy while ego-surfing and send out your inept lawyers² again, Agent Orange, remember that you are a public figure and quite open to ridicule. If I were to ever meet you in person again, Tucker, I am more inclined to help you avoid any Tropicana goon squads after your deliciously ripe noggin than I am to do anything rash or rude, like yell at someone in a video store.

1 I do not shop at this CVS store if I can avoid it because the building was a neat old movie theater before being sold to CVS. We all have our lines in the sand.
2 If anyone wishes to send me any legal documents in regard to this or any other post, please contact me at geniusblogs AT sluggy DOT com. If anyone wishes to fucking destroy me, they can contact me at orangeskinnedblowhard AT whinywasp DOT org.

His Bowtie Knows Where You Sleep...err...Work

Image by Gavin @ Sadly No!
The wingnut wankjob I mentioned in the formerly removed post, Tucker Carlson, has threatened the video store where I now formerly worked with legal action and as a result, I no longer work there. I do not have access to these threats but I can imagine that they consist of something similar to this:

"I'm easily the most recognizable conservative pundit today, as my wikipedia page will attest, but goddam it, I deserve to be recognized only if I stand to benefit from it! I am a huge asshole and I expect to be treated like one. I will fucking destroy anyone who dares to poke fun at me and so help me god my bowtie is stylish and not at all funny! I can't believe that I might be subject to ridicule after I physically threatened another man with destruction because he mentioned me on his blog!(This part is absolutely true.) You people are terrorists and I demand that all video store records now be accessible by the feds and only the feds! I want to come in and be denied rental because I have not filled out an ESTNJ stroke 6 Alpha form in triplicate! It is just inconceivable that a man of my utter cobagitude be the brunt of harmless jokes on the internets!"

Well, motherTucker, this is the internet and there is nothing you can do to me anymore. I will admit that from your perspective, it was easy to see how I was being a complete dick in my previous post. It is likely that you have never heard of the various scandals that have erupted when jerks have outed bloggers who wished to remain anonymous. I would be surprised if you have not heard about Michelle Malkin's incident. I thought I was covering my ass by stating very deliberately that I would never share your information with anyone. I did this because I wanted to proceed with a verbal joke that actually came from my personal experience. I did not realize that my personal experience was not allowed.

In the new digital age, regarding a statement like this:

I won't tell you where he lives, though. That would be wrong and stupid. I will also not be running around ordering 10,000 copies of America: The Book and having it sent to his place even if that would be more awesome than frozen urine treats for his home.

as a threat is batshit loco. A barely anonymous blogger has declared that he is always going to take steps to ensure your privacy and you go apeshit psycho on his ass. One might note here that I did not falsify any details of our interaction to hide my identity, thus basically announcing myself to you, although you might imagine that I really had no expectation that I would actually be conversing with you via my blog, but you've never left a comment. You did admit to having "read" my blog, but you sadly chose to avoid leaving a comment on any post even the ones about my tarantula. I guess you don't have much use in your life for ridiculously intelligent and physically endowed people.

I googled "Tucker Carlson stalker" in an attempt to determine why a man might go from zero to asshatted ragemonkey over a minor comment on a blog that barely rates as Z-list. The first ten hits were all about Tucker's comment that Canada is stalking the US. That is pretty funny in and of itself. Just the other day, I thought I was being followed and turned around only to see Canada turn ninety degrees and start whistling. The second page of hits contained a link to reviews of his book on Amazon.ca (OOO! Maybe Canada IS stalking the US!). In the third review, Bernard Chapin says that Tucker was falsely accused of rape by some stalkerish person. I can see how this might set a man on edge and make him wary of being mentioned comedically on some random blog. Technorati must love me because the number of daily links to my site can probably be counted on my ginormous wang. (That is a comment on the fact that I have one wang and maybe one link as day if I am lucky.)

In order to perform due diligence, I looked through the first four pages of that google search. I found only the one reference to a stalking incident and a whole mess of references to Tucker's infamous comment, which I suppose he thought was funny, about Canada being a stalker. Yet, PTSD can linger for many years, as our veterans know first hand, and therapy is important but you have to want to change, Tucker. I can't change your trauma for you.

Compare what I wrote to this absolutely true exchange from Friday night when you marched into the store:

Tucker: If you keep this shit up, I will fucking destroy you.
The Genius (Me): Whoah, perhaps you would like to take this outside where you can continue threatening me without disturbing the other customers.
Tucker: *Looks out the window, then back at me* I am not threatening you.
The Genius: You just said you would fucking destroy me.
Tucker: No, I didn't.

I can see where I might have erred in my previous post. I wasn't a belligerent chundernozzle. At one point, Tucker was heard to exclaim

"Don't whoah me"

in response to my attempts to bring the conversation back into the realm of sanity. Since I am a basically nice guy, I even took down the post. Upon learning that Tucker followed through on his threat of destruction, I republished the post that so aggravated him and was allegedly threatening.

I also thought I was being extremely funny by mentioning that I would
not be sending you 10,000 copies of Jon Stewart et al's America: The Book. In fact, I was being extremely funny with that one, this is one of the virtues of being the massively wanged Genius that I am. I could believe that you might be sad that I would not be sending you reading material of such a humorous nature, but I am not a man of several inheritances and 10,000 copies is a little pricey. Hence, it was humorous. I will also admit that the comment about frozen urine treats may have crossed the oh-so-individual line and may have seemed directly threatening when really it was a reference to a prank performed back in college by friends of mine.

Perhaps if I had mentioned that we were roughly similar in size, above the waist that is, and I always thought he looked taller on TV, it would have been funnier. Hell, that is always funny. It might have been funny if I mentioned how oddly even (orange?) his skin tone was and he always looks so pale in the screen captures I see on TPM Muckraker. I might have even gone so far as to say he should fire his make up person for trying to hide that suspiciously even tan.

The difference between our actions is that I wrote a silly post on a blog that previously received less than 10 hits a day, with 5 of those being mine. You came at me in person, like the fake-tan-having bully that you are, and directly threatened both my health and my livelihood.

Thus, you are a gigantic cobag and I will no longer have the joy of dealing with drunk people arguing with me about their excessive late fees or pervs asking me about the next shipment of porn and whether we were getting any hermaphrodites themed videos or kids asking me to find the pokemon because they can't see straight let alone spell due to their massive daily intake of sugar and Ritalin or witness recently divorced men in their forties hit on my female coworkers. I should thank you for relieving me of the question I was constantly asking myself, "What the fuck am I doing here on a Saturday night for seven bucks an hour?" However, by being a gigantic cobag, you have opened yourself up to the lofty heights of satire previously reserved for dorks like Glenn Reynolds, Ann Althouse and everybody at both NRO and Powerline.

This mess is your bed and this is my blog. Please enjoy your stay, you fucking assbag.

UPDATE AS OF 10:40 PM JANUARY 8, 2007: Tucker Carlson's lawyer or someone claiming to be in this position has hassled my friend and former coworker around 7:30 to 8:00 pm this evening. This person marched into the video store and demanded information about me and insisted that my friend divulge my full name, place of residence and any other further places of employment I might have. My friend is totally effing rad and rightly told this person that there was no way in hell he/she was giving away any information about me and then demanded that this hassler then produce their name and place of employment. The hassler claimed that this information was confidential. My friend then said, "Well, now you know how I feel." I am rather in awe of the loyalty this friend displayed and I should find some appropriate way to pay him/her back for the aggravation suffered.

If this harassment does not cease by 5 pm Tuesday the 9th, I will be forced to take further legal action.

Other Posts To Check Out On This Issue:
Pinko Punko's Beautiful Post On 3 Bulls
Teh L4m3 Brings His Amazing Wit to Bear
Outside the Tent Breaks Out the Serious Pants in Style

Additional links added 7:30 PM 1/9/07:
Wonkette
The Guns of Auguste
Sadly, No!
Paddykraska at Daily Kos
Plover at 3Bulls!
Orange at Chrome Beach
Fish gets in on it, too.

If any members of the press would like to contact me, please feel free to email me at: geniusblogs AT sluggy DOT net

UPDATE AS OF 11:00 AM 01/11/07: The lawyer/private detective is still trying to find me through my former colleagues at the video store. I am seeking my own legal counsel as I said I would take further harassment seriously.