Wednesday, December 28, 2005

WEstern Thought Wednesday: Same Old Schtick

So science is cool. I like my computer and my cellular telephone and the plane I shall soon fly to the west coast(not that I own a plane or anything). I like drinking clean water, not getting the measles and the glasses I wear to help me see things more than a foot away from my face. Science helps people in a real and quantifiable way. For example, a google search of 'new vaccine' turns up this and this. Intelligent design requires to believe in a supernatural superpower and removes all of our need for ambition. What is the point of asking a question when the answer is always the same? ID is a construct of those who would rather not know anything.

"What makes the Sun so hot, Daddy?" "Well, son, the intelligent designer." "Is that why babies keep coming out of Mommy?" "Well, yes, son, it is."

An intelligent design follower, and I use the word follower because it is a Christianic creationist, umm, creation, upon being diagnosed with small pox should, if this person's belief system were consistent, refuse these vaccines and insist that the intelligent designer would have made us resistant to these diseases if he/she/it wanted.

Let us for a moment appreciate the situation inherent in intelligent design. A being of unfathomable intelligence designed all of existence and everything and yada yada yada. Still with me? Good, cause I am about to get all weird on you. ID requires us to then believe that mosquitoes were designed as were bunnies, elephants, pandas, smallpox, chlamydia, ectopic(sp?) pregnancies, babies, genetic anomalies, penguins, polar bears, birch tree, flukes, tapeworms, etc. You may see where I am going with this. If there is an Intelligent Designer, it sure seems like he/she/it wants us to die and die horribly.

Anyway, I saw a bumper sticker on a Mercedes the other day that read: I sometimes brake for scientists. The irony, and this is a perfect example of irony as opposed to coincidence, of this statement hit me like a ton of bricks. I thought, "Here is a person who just doesn't get it."

But then you have people who say things like this. And I realized that there are levels to the whole "not getting it" thing.

First of all, Aristotle's Prime Mover could just as easily be a Big Bang, as I interpret it. I wish to readily admit for the clarity of my extremely small readership, consisting mostly of family members, that I have an incomplete grasp of Aristotle, but I have read some. His ethics are interesting even if fulsome disagrees. Don't take my word for it, however, go buy a book of Aristotle's and read it. He writes in accessible fashion and a primary source is better than Buchanan or even me.

Second, I am fairly certain that spontaneous generation is not a part of the Theory of Evolution.

Third, where is the 'Made By The Intelligent Designer' stamp on our asses? Prove it. Show me the evidence.

In conclusion, I shall simply say this: I hope you like it hot and steamy cuz, you got served, yo.

UPDATE: In the interests of my own sense of justice, here are some links to sites that support or clarify the Intelligent Design situation.

A publication.
The NY Times.
The Intelligent Design Network.
John Cashill seems to be a celebrated "independent"(their word) author among the creationists and ID people. Please note that his doctorate is in American Studies and not in evolutionary science or any other science.

PS: I guess you were right about me being angry and also about what I am angry. I stand by my prior statements made while slightly drunk on Friday night.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Tarantula Tuesday

I don't have much to say about Helob the Curlyhair Tarantula. He hasn't done much beyond move around his terrarium and eat all the people who break into my apartment to get at all of my useless crap. I would actually appreciate it if someone stole my television. Then I might read all of the great books I have. Probably not.

In case you haven't heard yet, Johnny Cash rocks and you should run out and download all of his music you can. Since I don't get paid for it, I am not linking to Hamazon Women on the Moon or any of those other sites.

Other People's Opinions

These sites are opinions I respect and with whom I generally agree. If you are visiting from an monitored internet connection due to employment or the NSA thinks you are a potential terrorist, I would not click any of these links as they are extremely likely to contain colorful language.

This guy knows a lot about sex and people. And what he doesn't know he looks up.

These people are the only good, solid movie reviewers I have ever read.

This guy is funny. He is also published in the semi-crappy monthly magazine, Rolling Stone.

And the list ends here. This leaves everyone with a few conclusions. Either I don't respect a whole lot of people, or I haven't been to many sites, or I haven't met many people. I'll just let you decide.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

My Next Target

This guy thinks he is hilarious. Therefore, I shall now commence with a fifth attempt to get banned from another conservative blog. Some people may wonder what the freaking point of this exercise in irritation is. I thought it was pretty clear, but for the unenlightened, I explain: By being banned from these sights I demonstrate the site owner's complete aversion to the freedoms of our once great nation. The may claim to be the only one's that can properly protect, defend and enforce the constitution of the United States of America, but really they're just bunch of cobags.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Sex Rights for Everyone!

I was going to write about how much I heart Maureen Dowd and want her book for Christmas, but I got a little sidetracked trying to get banned from The (To Borrow A Phrase) Tiny wiener Buffet.

I am currently digging The Legend of Johnny Cash, an album I bought Wednesday while not buying holiday(eat it COBAGS!) presents.

As an added benefit for those who prefer to stay away from buffets, here is the exchange that has got me seriously worked up. I am almost as mad as when I peed on the ceiling and etc of the Blue Lamp's bathroom.

1. Too bad that we are forbidden from teaching proper condom use in sex education in public schools. If men used condoms without shame then there wouldn't be a need for most abortions, I'd bet. That doesn't mean that I agree at all with pro-lifers, just that we should step up to the plate, men, and admit that it takes a penis to inseminate someone. If every woman magically got pregnant every time she 'opened her legs' there'd be babies everywhere.
What you are truly objecting to, by objecting to abortion, is a woman's ability to make a moral decision. Clearly, you all seem to think that you know exactly how all women should act in any situation. However, given the juvenile nature of the prior comments and the post itself, I would hesitate to let make a moral decision involving a jellyfish, let alone a human life.
comment by Chuckles Wednesday, December 21, 2005 @ 2:58 pm

2. Dear Chuckles,
Like you, Margaret Sanger believed that promoting birth control would stop abortions, she was wrong.
Pretty ironic, don't ya think?
comment by canuck Wednesday, December 21, 2005 @ 3:50 pm

3. Actually, that is more coincidental than ironic, but whatever. During the Clinton years, teen pregnancy rates declined, most likely due to the promotion of proper forms of birth control, as opposed to oh so successful abstinence style. If you had actually read my comment, canuck, you would notice that I said most abortions. If repressed people like you felt no shame in buying condoms or using them, the world would be a better place. I must admit that I get a little embarrassed when I buy condoms, but that is part of the life of a responsible sexually active man.
My main point stands and as you took no shots at it, I guess that canuck feels the same way about morality and abortion. Clearly, canuck feels as I do. I don't claim to be able to dictate morality and neither does he. I congratulate canuck for taking a boldly progressive stance and proclaiming that he is pro-choice and for keeping his mouth shut when it comes to someone elseÂ’s decisions in life. Bravo!
comment by Chuckles Thursday, December 22, 2005 @ 8:24 am

4. Chuckles:
That doesn't mean that I agree at all with pro-lifers, just that we should step up to the plate, men, and admit that it takes a penis to inseminate someone.
No argument there. But I think you may have missed the point of the post to make a rather cliched point.
What you are truly objecting to, by objecting to abortion, is a woman's ability to make a moral decision.
No, the point of the post was that abortion, whether your for it or against it, is not a decision that should be taken as lightly as purchasing clothing.
Say, do you think I should be trusted to make any moral decision?
Why can't I summarily execute someone caught knocking off a grocery store? I'm not trusted with that moral decision. And that is good.
Although many people on both sides of the fence differ on when life begins, abortion is killing a human life. Do you think there ought to be at least some legal limitation? Or does it all fall into one of your clever catch-all phrases?
comment by Cranky Thursday, December 22, 2005 @ 9:28 am

5. Dear Chuckles,
Wow, you're wrong on every point about me. Congrats!
Ms. Sanger believed that if women were allowed birth control, they would not have to get abortions. I find it ironic that she was ever so ever wrong about that. Women didnÂ’t stop abortions after being given birth control, at all. I am a supporter of birth control, big fan of it. No problem buying it. I just found amazing that a woman who, at her time, pushed for the use of birth control to prevent abortions, did no such thing . Instead, women use birth control incorrectly, are still getting pregnant, and instead of taking responsibility (and guys too) they are doing what Ms. Sanger said would stop.
I am pro-life. I do not believe a women has the right to kill an unborn child just cause that baby can not fight back -well, they do try to fight back, while being sucked into a vacuum and into a garbage bag, but really, who can win against a vacuum. So, Mr. Chuckles, you can take your congrats and shove it. I would never want the likes of someone you, who thinks murdering a baby is okay, giving me a congrats for thinking I believe in same thing. Ick. Now I feel dirty and must go shower.
comment by canuck Thursday, December 22, 2005 @ 9:29 am

6. Cranky say: No, the point of the post was that abortion, whether your for it or against it, is not a decision that should be taken as lightly as purchasing clothing.
What in all of creation makes you think any woman anywhere takes abortion lightly? After all the flak a person takes just getting into a clinic, what makes you think she would just say, yeah, screw that little bastard, it'll just screw up my partying! You still have not refuted my point. You are making a declaration that your(notice the possessive) morality is better than anyone who might even consider an abortion. Your(still possessive) statement that people do have flippant(look it up) attitudes toward abortion states that their attitudes are foolish and yours are serious and well-grounded because you regard the issue as serious.
Condoms are, if used correctly, 99% effective in preventing pregnancy and without birth control roughly 80% of copulations(that means sex, children) will produce a pregnancy. If abortion kills a baby, as cranky says, then aren't condoms also killing babies by preventing 79.2 babies being conceived in 100 copulations? Why are condoms acceptable? They prevent the baby from even having a chance of being conceived! Holy crap! It is preventative abortion! Just like Bush and his preventative wars!
In all honesty, cranky, I would not trust you with any moral decision. However, that is a personal opinion and not based on any empirical evidence. Given the anonymous nature of the internet, I give you the benefit of doubt.
Canuck, on the other hand, clearly you went to a far superior high school than I did. Sex Ed at my high school consisted of telling us the methods of birth control but there were no props of even pictures of any birth control technique other than Norplant and abstinence. Man, if only I had actually seen a condom before college and known how to use one and not been ashamed to buy one, my girlfriend would not have had to get a morning after pill. We drove around for hours to find a pharmacy that would give us a prescription and it tore me up inside with the decision. Sure, I loved her and I would have raised any child, but I would never have been able to provide for that baby like I could now. So go point your fucking fingers at someone else, you pathetic schmuck. That decision was the hardest one I was ever a part of so go fuck yourself, get pregnant and then see what you would do, you sad sack of shit.
comment by Chuckles Thursday, December 22, 2005 @ 7:40 pm

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Oleki Bango Says: Launch the KITTY MISSILES!

It looks like 3Bulls! aren't the only ones with access to Weapons of Cute Devastation!


Look at the itty bitty kitty hitty!


Uh oh, those bastard bulls are no longer the sole wielders of the dreaded cat-in-a-sink warhead!

Too bad for the bulls, I have developed a Multiple Impact Reentry Vehicle Warhead Cat-In-A-Sink Cutelear Missile!


Too bad that we are forbidden from teaching proper condom use in sex education in public schools. If men used condoms without shame then there wouldn't be a need for most abortions, I'd bet. That doesn't mean that I agree at all with pro-lifers, just that we should step up to the plate, men, and admit that it takes a penis to inseminate someone. If every woman magically got pregnant every time she "opened her legs" there'd be babies everywhere. Yoga class would be a freaking maternity ward...

Anyway, to borrow a sentiment from Dr. Bitch, what you are truly objecting to, by objecting to abortion, is a woman's ability to make a moral decision. Clearly, you all seem to think that you know exactly how all women should act in any situation. However, given the juvenile nature of the comments and the post itself, I would hesitate to let you make a moral decision involving a jellyfish, let alone a human life.

Does this meet your exacting standards, AG?

Tomorrow: Either a discourse on Aristotelean Ethics or More Offensively Cute Pictures

Place your bets as to which will actually get posted now.

Friday, December 16, 2005


My entry: "Sex Ed got a little more interesting when the Biology department took over from the gym teacher."

A Bold New Offensive of CUTE!

Awww, look a baby animal lying on its back...could you get any cuter?

Golly! Apparently you can get cuter than a baby animal on its back!

Uh OH! Is this a hold up? Reach for the sky, Mr Winky!

Up Next: A Caption Contest!

New Tactics in the War on...Everything

fulsome may be on to something here. I'll just be totally original and switch tactics, too. Besides, that cow is starting to freak me out.

This seems to be 90% of what the post over at 3Bulls! are anyway. And as a final update, I may have been comepletely kicked off the conservative rant page run by the commissary. Yeah, that's right, I'm calling you a military grocery store!

Thursday, December 15, 2005


Well, I was finally able to get a comment removed by the shit eaters over at the russian wannabes. Apparently, it is alright for some wannabe political blogging cobag to call me an asshole but it is decidedly uncool for me to ask someone else a pretty rude question. My goal has been met, I think I can just go ahead and forget about pretty much the whole thing. You might be wondering why I want to move to some other inanity. Or as is far more likely, you don't really care.

Horse Flogging:

As fun as hassling morons is, it doesn't get anyone anywhere. This is just as bad as the fools who scream at each other and then agree to disagree after 45 minutes. As relaxing as it may be to yell at someone and insult them in their internet realm, people in reality ought to be able to talk about political shit with a level head. I don't want us all to get along, that would be weird, but I would like us(THEM) to stop hating on the smart people who know what's what(ME).

Happy Holidays!

This whole war on christmas has really got to go. What a waste of time. I must give credit where credit is due as I am sure this was spun out by the same brilliant assbags who brought us the Lewinsky Fiasco '99. The (fake)President only had up to go in his approval ratings and the hit machine (Rove?) came up with this winner of a strategy to get the media talking about anything else. This whole thing sounds like a Hill intern's drunken ramblings to a predatory lobbyist fanatic. These guys should be writing for SNL. I received a message from some fucker who used his organizations email newsletter list to send out a picture of a christmas tree and then scream in bold caps "IT'S A CHRISTmas TREE!" (Emphasis left as was sent) Again, this was sent over a corporate email list. I have always liked spending this time alone, but now I want to spend it murdering these morons.

Just Cuz I'm Hating Today

Pinko Punko is not the only one on the receiving end of full bore Chuck hating...I submit this and this for your perusal.

I found this photo while I raided PP's house during the party of some time back. He has a whole stack of things like this hidden under some dirty magazines. I don't understand why these would be mixed in with hetero porn, but there you have it.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

A moment of your time if you will, for reality...

Well, I had a nice break from fantasy land at work. Two of my bosses left town for a week, leaving me stuck squarely in reality or as I like to call it, happy time. Happy time is a place that I don't get to go to all that often at work, mostly because my bosses live in fantasy land.

For instance, one boss insists that his email problems are solely the fault of the server and ISP and not at all his to bear because he never deletes anything. Even spam. He has over twenty thousand emails sitting in his Outlook folders without counting the Deleted Items that never get erased. His inbox alone had 3500 emails sitting in it from April through yesterday, until I started moving them while he is at lunch. I have started calling these operations Ninja Archiving because I have to do them in such a way that he will never know. Move too much and he willknow I was in his system, move too little and his system clogs. I even make sure I put his chair back in its prior angle and declension.

My boss' computer has more viruses that are beaten into submission by Symantec the Super Soldier than I have ever encountered. One of my roommates once had a computer without a firewall or virus protection. His computer gave up and shutdown permanently in a week. My boss insists that his computer is running so slowly becuase it is 18 months old and must have been bad from the start. He is starting to sound like people who say that crimes are committed because children are born bad and not because their parent's share any responsibility. I won't even get into this crap or the whole breakdown of our society by right wing loonies.

My boss also has several spyware and adware programs installed so that when you run any of his four net browsers, you get a bazillion popups. He claims he likes to see the ads of other companies. And then he calls me to turn his popup blocker back on after 30 seconds or so.

I am not even trained as a techie. I just know stuff because I watch everything people do to my computer and poke around on my own. I have destroyed several computers of my own by poking around, but that is how you learn stuff in Pokey McProdsalot's world. As a complete aside to this whole shebang, I really like my job which might say something about the quality of either my reality or my employment history.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Tarantula Tuesday: Anybody have a cricket problem?

I am a happy tarantula father. First, on eBaum's World, I saw a tarantula of the same species that I own, kill and begin eating a mouse. You can find it under the extreme videos section here. So, I thought that was cool, because it means that I could maybe get some mice for my guard tarantula, Helob. Although, I don't think that girls will find me any cooler if I tell them about that.

Anyway, this morning I woke up and exercised and shit. I went to check on Helob to make sure he still had water and a cricket left and he was standing on the tips of his legs(toes?) and eating the last cricket! I had turned on the light to get a good look at his dish and he looked really surprised, sorta like a deer in headlights or a roommate caught looking at porn on your computer.

So now I need to find a new source of basement crickets because that was the last one and my parent's house is now someone else's house. Although, I do still have a key...

Why jobs are awesome

When you are unemployed, the weekend just seems like another day. Now that I have a job, the weekend is a time of relaxation and reflection. I have something seriously cool to pine for during the long hard days of sitting on my ass and blogging while at work.

My jobs rocks, just in case you care. I work for a magazine and spend a lot of time doing actual work on the internet and I am pretty good at it. Let's face it, any man with an internet connection that has spent any time being single and unemployed should be able to find anything on the internet in no time. But I digress. Sometimes at work I get to read neat stuff like this, that even relates to my BA!

Although, sometimes I get to read things like this, which smells an awful lot like the studies performed in the fifties, or whenever, to justify institutional racism. Anyway, it is better than watching extreme videos on eBaum all day.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Now That's a BULL!

These are bulls.

These are not.

A topic for discussion:
The members fo 3Bulls! are neither bulls nor are there three of them.
They are also a bunch of tired pansies. Discuss.

Here we go again, thanks Teh...

Clinton did a far better job of things than people want to give him credit.

Clinton's anti-terror groupies were *actually* hunting OBL and cutting off his fuunding, until they were disregarded and replaced by GWB. Cheney and GWB were all waiting for 9/11 to happen. Those bastards have been making a crapload of money from every disaster they have allowed to happen during their tenure. Cheney even said, "I think these guys[The Clinton Administration] are a little obsessed with this Bin Laden." It is utterly despicable.

Granted, some will say Clinton's economic policies led us to the recession/depression we are in, but trickle-down/supply side economics have been a proven failure since Reagan and Bush the Elder. I won't even speak on Clinton's debt reduction policies, they pretty much speak on their own. Every economist knows that our economy cycles through periods of boom and bust, but this can be mitigated through governmental policies. Some people might say that Clinton's policies could only result in a bust, but while that may be true tax breaks for the wealthy and easing business taxes and regulations only squeeze the little guys.

Please allow me a moment to speak about the 'little guy.' These economic policies of the Commander in Thief (how original of me) are now hurting more of his voters than ever before in the history of the US. People like to say that more people voted for GWB than any other president in history. Well, for you stat whores, more people voted against him than ony other president in history. Now, if you tried to say that he won a higher percentage of the Electorate and Popular votes, you would be wrong. GWB has not won by a higher percentage or by a higher margin. In 2000, disregarding the entire fact THAT IT WAS AN ILLEGALLY CONDUCTED VOTE IN FLORIDA, GWB only won by the seat of his pants. Just like 2004. So, back to the little guy, if more people than ever before voted for the current president, you might think he would take steps to protect all of these people that support him and gave him his job. If only it were so. GWB is out to screw his voters. Don't be foolish in the future, vote for someone who actually gives a shit about you.

Back to rambling about Clinton. So Clinton got some head while he was in the office. Is it more important that he lied about a blow job or that the current lie is killing people every day?(I make no distinction in nationality of those killed.)

So, please, a little respect for a man whose like we are desperate to have again.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Allow me to get all political on your asses...

I just want to say that before you read all this, it sucks a guy was killed.

The thing that a lot of people don't know about guns on airplanes are these facts:
1: Air Marshalls have been flying with guns for a long time, something like 30 years. Since the start of the program at any rate and I thin the Post said it was in the 60s or 70s.
2: A handgun fired in a plane, even if it directly strikes a window, is not going to cause a massive depressurization of he plane and kill everyone like in the movies.
3: Every system in a plane is at least double redundant. If there is one thing the government does right, it is redundancy. There is no point failure source, except for the pilot and people on board.
DISCLAIMER: The part about the plane's redundancy comes from my brother who works with some guy who flew for the military. As I have not met the guy, it may easily by false. Still, it sounds true enough to me.

And one final note, I don't think we are criminalizing mental illness, so much as ignoring it until it becomes a criminal issue. Which is criminal in another sense. There were lots of state mental institutions until taxes were cut in the 70s and 80s. Since the 50s, our government has been slashing taxes. Our current tax obligation is the lowest ever.

Taxes: they aren't a burden for those who believe in social responsibility.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Tellymar Ketters

So one of my brothers and I were sitting around my parent's kitchen a few months ago when the phone rang. It was a telemarketer calling to ask if we would fill out a survey and pay the shipping charges to have some "Girls Gone Wild" DVDs shipped out to us. I replied with:
FG(Freelance Genius): "I had a friend in college that ordered some DVDs from you guys and his card was ripped off and the DVDs he received were blank. How can I trust you now?"
TM: In a deep, easygoing voice, "Would you like to speak to our security company, they are the ones that handle the credit card collection and processing? It is totally secure now. Online security has been increased dramatically since your friend had those troubles."
FG: "No thanks, I really don't want to give my card out over the phone..."
TM: "I am sure you know the Girls Gone Wild videos from TV, you know what a bargain this is for filling out a survey and paying just the postage-"
FG: "yeah, I know the videos, but I am not too sure right now, how about you just send over some girls? Girls who are going wild? That would be ok."
TM: Stifling a laugh, "You want me to send some girls over to your house? Uhh, how about you give me your information and I'll sign you up for the DVDs and then we'll talk about sending some girls over to your house."
At this point, my brother starts cracking up, as do I.
FG: "No thanks, I really just want the girls, the girls who are going wild."
TM: Getting a little flustered, "These videos have it all, you know..."
FG: "Oh, I know, I've seen the commercials, that's why i was hoping you could send these girls over to my house."
TM: "Right..."
FG: "Thanks anyway, I guess."
TM: Hangs up.

A Sense of Humor So Fine...

You'd almost think we were related.

Check it out.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Will The Fucking Wonders Ever CEASE?

Charlie Brown
You are Charlie Brown!

Which Peanuts Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Gee flipping whiz. Goddam blockhead has been following me around for my whole fricking life. Chump

Brian is not so much of a cobag

Brian Beer Pong's blog is rather amusing. Even though I spend much more time being smart than I do watching sports, I find it rather Man Bites Dog funny.

Up next, the further exploits of me, 20 or 30 beers, and a Kappa Alpha Theta.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Brian is a cobag, but I am now inspired

In all seriousness, "playing beer pong and porking babes"? This sounds more like a lonely high school sophomore whose sole source of social interaction stems from his DSL connection. Poor kid probably doesn't even know DSL stands for...sigh. Now, if he had said, playing spades, drinking forties and stroking bitches, then I could have believed that he had actually done any of those activities.

But seriously, who says pork anymore? Slapping the salami and bopping your balogna went out with the '80s. Even the 'hot beef injection' is getting old. I was thinking maybe we could try out something related to Ron Popeil's rotisserie oven. Fuck it and forget it? Nah, too derivative. What about a euphemism related to Mathew Lesko's free money books? Free money to masturbate!

Sounds like a new Pepsi Challenge!

BCP, Parte the Seconde

And yes, that is a joke based on my post of some weeks ago on the Home of the Well Rounded People of Higher Than Average Level of the N.E.R.D. genotype. So, where was I? Ah, yes.

We enter the basement and are slightly dismayed at the ratio of fraternity to sorority members. However, the girls are all dancing and the guys are all drinking. I head straight for the bar to discover that pledges has been assigned to ensure that the members always have a beer on hand. This would sound like an ideal situation, but in the Land of Chuckles, this is a sub-optimal situation for retention of both manners and rational thought. To say nothing of the booty shaking that inevitably commences from the intake of copious amounts of alcohol. Telling all the guys from Kappa chapter to start mingling and have a good time, I start working the crowd and meeting guys from other chapters and colleges. This goes well and I have some good conversation until I have had somewhere more than ten beers. They last two guys I was talking to (from Eau Claire, I think) detail their pledge to follow me around and make sure I have beer because they are leaving. The pledge was sober and keeping count for me.

He disappeared after getting me maybe three or four more beers and I completely lost count after twenty some beers in about two and half hours. At which point I met a girl at the bar. She was talking to some guy and I stumbled up and asked for a beer. I started leering at her and asked her what house she was in and she replied with a chirpy "Kappa Alpha Theta!" I responded with a slurred, "My mom was in that sorority and so were all her female relatives. My grandmother was, like, the national regional chairwoman or treasurer or something." Which was music to her ears and seriously pissed off the guy who was talking to her before I wandered over. I asked her if she wanted to dance, which really amounted to waving our drunk asses and arms around the dance floor. We were trying to talk to each other but, really too drunk to hear and some dude bumped my arm and Natty Light went all over her chest. I said, "Here let me help you with that" and shoved my face in her cleavage. I proceeded to lick the beer off of her. Seemed like the thing to do at the time. I tell you now, I have not had a Natty Light since, because the fuzzy memory of the last one was so good, any others will not live up to that memory. Ahh, good times, good times.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

The Best College Party Ever

This is a response to the Adorable Girlfriend's challenge. It was Friday or Saturday of the second week in March of 2001. I was taking some new TKEs (my fraternity, Tau Kappa Epsilon) and one of their friend-girls to Madison, WI to show them around and some guy walks right up to me and askes if I am a TKE. While I was wearing a TKE hat. Being a smart ass, I replied with, "If I were not a TKE, then why would I be wearing this hat?" We talk and he invites me and my Kappa chapter bros to the Lambda chapter "Pre Spring Break Bikini Contest Party." Sweeter words will never be asked of me again. So, the guys I was with, call them ZZ Top and Benny Bones, are just sort of stunned and I tell the Lambda chapter guy that we'll be there and we'll bring some beer. The hot blonde on his arm says that is awesome and that she is bring some of her girls from whatever sorority she belonged. And that at least three other sororities were attending. You could have cut the silence with a fisshpop from a beer can. So we shake and say see ya later. Turns out the girl was buying a vibrator while we waited outside.

So we all got back to the house and I proceed to run around telling everybody who is still in town abou the party. It ends up being about 15 of us in three cars. We scrape together enough money for a case of Leinenkugels Pilsner in cans. Tastes great, more filling. We get to the house and I get us all in past some minor difficulties. The scene: The Lambda chapter house basement. The People: About forty dudes and maybe 15 girls, all super hot and all wearing bikins and miniskirts. And I leave you with that image as I should really get back to work. More tomorrow.