Monday, July 31, 2006

Absurdly Macho Names

From 20th Century Fox's press site:

"Oscar®-winner Russell Crowe reunites with “Gladiator” director Ridley Scott in A GOOD YEAR. London-based Investment expert Max Skinner (Crowe) moves to Provence to sell a small vineyard he has inherited from his late uncle. As Max reluctantly settles into what ultimately becomes an intoxicating new chapter in his life, he encounters a beautiful California woman who also lays claim to the property."

Russel Crowe. Max Skinner. Jebus, why don't they just call every character of his Mike 'Gonna hit you with a' Hammer or Jake Stone, Private Detective. This movie is obviously Under the Tuscan Sun for Sensitive New Age Guys (aka G4YZ!!!).

An early review: In this incredible pile of shit stained celluloid, Russel Crowe plays Max Skinner. Max Skinner, an investment expert by day and a face smashing secret agent by night, learns to love again when he inherits a vinyard in Provence and meets a woman who always lays claim to the property. Luckily, our absurdly macho hero discovers the true nature of both the property and the mysterious woman before it is too late. Under the dirt of the vinyard lies the body of Hitler and the Baroness Carlotta Von Dimholz is an agent of the hidden Fourth Riech on a mission to revive the Fuhrer and reignite the flames of war in Europe! Thank god for Max Skinner, investment expert by day and super secret agent and lover extraordinaire! He quickly deduces the clever plan and humps the Nazi right out of Baroness Carlotta and then beats some Nazi bastards in a 45 minute fight scene with his arsenal of hidden weapons!

Actually, I would go see that movie. The real movie will probably get an Oscar® nomination.

What are we asking each other today?

Me to myself: What the fuck?

Rice to Bush: What do you mean they're still shooting each other?

Me to bank account: What the fuck?

Rice to World: Why aren't you all friends already?

Me to non-Starbucks coffee: Why are you so good?

Rice to Middle East: Why are you guys shooting each other?

Me to myself: You know why.

Bush to Rice: Jerry Bruckheimer makes the best documentaries!

Bank account to me: Are you dumping me?

World to Rice: Have you ever studied history?

non-Starbucks coffee to me: Because I am fair trade organic coffee without all that added smug.
Middle East to Rice: This is a millennia long conflict, how the fuck do you expect to achieve a lasting peace in a week after ignoring us for years?

In other news, my wang-fu has reached crisis levels on the internets. House cleaning to come later this week. Expect fulfillment on multiple unresolved escapades including Where's fulsome?

Saturday, July 29, 2006

This post is all about lowering the level of decency on the Internets

Basically, the only way I could have reacted to this type of an assault on my professional life would be with professional pranksterism. If some bastard tried to commit a full court press, scorched earth campaign on my career, I would likely be totally fucked in that field. This would leave me with no alternatives left to pursue that career. I prefer to prove old sayings as the honest truth. Sayings like: "Never kick a man when he's down." "A man with nothing to lose has everything to gain." "Never leave an opponent with 1 hit point." "Never wash your colors with your whites."

For sake of argument, let's say I know someone who knows someone who got fucked over by a giant, swollen cobag. I would start by procuring the necessary items for lifestyle destruction:
1 Gallon smelly, yellow, coffee and asparagus urine
2 Boxes of fish filets
1 Stack of petri dishes
1 Set of keys to the cobag'z office (optional)
1 Set of plans to cobag'z office (available from your county, usually for a minimal fee)
50-100 Crickets
3 Pairs breeding mice

First, study the plans well. Take a tour of the office. Keep a sharp eye out for hidden, dusty corners and nooks. Pay particular attention to the placement of cameras and motion sensors.

Break in at night or, if possible just walk in like you own the place or are some sort of intern/lab aide. This is much easier then most people think. If you can walk in, visit every day at the same time for a week without doing anything.

Next week, visit the soon to be shithole. Bring crickets in a plastic bag with some paper towels. Release the crickets in storerooms and all over the basement. Locate the HVAC unit.

The next day release the mice in the basement.

The third day, put a couple still frozen fish filets in the vent of the HVAC. Wander into empty rooms and stick more frozen fish filets in various vents and make sure to leave one or two in the kitchen, to throw off those who might try clean up your revenge.

Make piss discs with the urine and petri dishes. Leave one or three on every section of carpet (any material that will absorb liquid) in the building. Preferably in lounge areas or staff offices. You may need to attempt this part on a holiday weekend. By now, you should have convinced the guard (if there is one) that you are indeed working on something and thus have ample reason to be there on a holiday.

Then repeat these steps in the motherfucker's house. If necessary obtain an orbital laser and a truckload of popping corn.

If you should feel any guilt, remind yourself that the cobag had it coming for being such a, well, such a fucking cobag.

Friday, July 28, 2006

The Washington Post Website Totally Sucks Golf Balls Through Garden Hoses

I was going to link to the story on the front page of the Post about our military's fear of war crimes charges for the abuse of the POWs in Gitmo and elsewhere. I was even going to read the whole thing. I saw it in the non-Starbucks coffee place I went to this morning and I laughed. The fucking Post website won't let me register, even with a legit email address, so fuck those cobagz.

Overheard in the same location:
Lifeguard Girl: You are such an original thinker, I don't know anyone who would have said that but you.
Lifeguard Boy: Thanks, but-
Lifeguard Girl: No, I'm serious, you are like totally smart.

In my head, I said: Wasn't that line from a movie? He just quoted a movie. Fucking pretty boys.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Polls/Elections in the DRC: A Great Excuse for a Riot!

I spent a summer and a couple winter vacations living in the DRC. Well, for the first winter it was still Zaire, but that is sort of irrelevant. Since independence in 1960, there hasn't been a single free and fair election in the country. I am not an expert on the DRC or the Southern African Development Community or even sub-Saharan African history, but I can look like one with enough links. Germany is supporting the elections as part of a UN presence. It seems fairly routine that elections or talk of elections cause riots by those who support a group that appears or feels slighted and these polls are no exception. Considering the way a largely uneducated society can be manipulated by a few charismatic individuals, I hope this does not set the tone for the rest of the year and the results of the elections.

Monday, July 24, 2006

I may not be as smart as I think you thought I was.

Well, Saturday was fun. The Blue Gin was the location I chose for some nefarious reasons that will remain unstated. The Blue Gin was not quite as much fun as it is on a weeknight. During the week, it is chill and cool but last Saturday it was packed after 11 and got kinda lameish. So we left and went round the corner and that was ok except when I ended up in the employee's bathroom.

Anyway, I had fun and I am sure that I talked everyone's ear off. Now it is back to being my usual teetotaling self.

Oh, and one final note: 'Do you blog?' is not a good line. I thought it was funny. Other people thought it was lame.

What do they know? THEY'RE THE LAME ONES!!1!!

Friday, July 21, 2006

28 Years Later

Well, the zombies still rule the country, but one man owns a chainsaw and on Saturday he is going to rip shit up.

Time: 9 PM

Place: Blue Gin
1206 Wisconsin Ave (down the alley)
Washington, DC

Reason: Fuck it. My wang commands me to consume some overpriced drinks and then go shoot pool or liberals, whichever comes first.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006


RIGHT! Today we are making hummus. I know I said we would be making London broil, but if you can't be flexible, you are a dumb moron and should kill yourself now to save us all the trouble of poisoning your food.

You will need:

Two(2) large can of chick peas (garbanzos, not females)
One(1) jar of virgin or extra virgin olive oil (your preference)
One(1) lemon (or two or none if you don't want lemons in your hummus)
Two(2) garlic sections (the bits not the entire bulb)
Two(2) teaspoons of shredded garlic (or less if you don't want too much garlic, really minimum should be one(1) clove or one(1) teaspoon)
One(1) jar of tahini (sesame butter in the same way that peanut butter is from peanuts but NOT good with jelly)
One(1) tin of cumin

Array your ingredients on your hopefully clean counter. Admire your dedication to a recipe from a really odd friend who tends to invent shit on the fly in the kitchen. Put 911 on speeddial. Put phone on floor in case you fall down. Get out your food processor. Blenders suck for this. You want a serious cuisanart. Speaking of which, cuisanarts are awesome for all kinds of food. Even meat. I would wake up and make myself a spam milkshake every morning, if spam didn't suck. Maybe a bacon and bisquik milkshake would work. Get out your pyrex measuring cup. No, put that fucking piece of plastic shit back in the cupboard. Go sit in the corner and think about what you did. Jesus. Fucking insulting. Oh, hey, I'm sorry, ok? Come back here and I promise I won't disparage your obviously deficient kitchen implements again. Now, don't be like that. I mean well. Open the cans of chick peas. Pour the water from the cans into your PYREX measuring utensil, you'll need it later. Keep all the water. Put chick peas into your cuisanart. Yes, I do get a dollar every time I say that. Cheeky bitch. No no no, you have to assemble it first. Ok, is it plugged in? Good job. See? You aren't completely hopeless. Pour in the chick peas sans water. That means without, moron. Blend all the chick peas until they are stuck to the walls of cuisanart or aren't getting any smaller. Add 1/4 (one quarter) cup of the olive oil, 1/4 (one quarter) cup of tahini, 1/4 (one quarter) of the chick pea water. Take out your silicon scraper and- are you fucking serious? How can you not have a goddamn silicon scraper? What an assbag. Do you just order ever fucking meal you eat? Fine, take out a knife or something and scrape the chick peas of the walls of the cuisanart so they will mix in with the oil, water and tahini. No, it is TAHINI. TAHITI is an island, jackass. I fucking swear. Blend all this together. While that is blending, get out your garlic press. You have got to be shitting me. Fine, use the damn shredded garlic. Add the garlic while the blender is still whirling away. Oh jesus. No no no. If you take off the top the cuisanart will shut off. Use the top access. I swear, it's like you've never been in a kitchen before. Don't even give me that 'I'm only 9 years old' crap either. Your mother should be ashamed of herself. And you. Now cut the lemon in half and let's try to leave all of our fingers attached to our hands. Great job, loser. Now get out your juice press/strainer. What? I am going to have a goddamn coronary. Ok, ok, ok. Go get me that bottle of wine over there. And the bottle opener, yes. Open the wine. Give me the bottle. I'll be back in a minute or two. Turn off the cuisanart.

Ok! Hey, are you ready to finish up? Good for you, nitwit! Open the cuisanart. Go get a spoon or something. Hmm, yeah, let's go ahead and add some lemon juice. Squeeze out the juice into the cuisanart but try to avoid dropping the seeds into the proto-hummus. Fuck. I said TRY TO AVOID DROPPING THE SEEDS INTO THE HUMMUS! I could smack you if it weren't illegal. Alright now that the lemons and the garlic have been added, we should add some cumin. Sprinkle the cumin on USING THE SPRINKLE OPENING until the surface of the proto-hummus is lightly dusted with cumin. Well, you actually managed not to fuck that up too much. Cover the proto-hummus and set it blending again. I am going back the porch to look for that wine. DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING UNTIL I COME BACK. Yes, fine, go bandage your hand. I should make you squeeze more lemon juice on it to teach you a lesson about knives.

Hey, great! How's the hummus look? WONDERFUL! Let's open it up and have another taste. Not bad, not bad at all. The consistency is a little thick and may annoy some store bought cobag's senshibilities but fuck him. Oh. Well, you little fucktard, if you don't want it break your pissant little sacriledgious tortilla chip, then add equal amounts of chick pea water and olive oil. HEY! HEY! HEY! I said be careful! Add another 1/4 cup of each. Hmm, you might want to add some tahini but if you do, I would recommend you also add some some some CUMIN. Yeah. No, the wine is fine. Fine wine. Fine. Wine. heh.

Anyway, some people put pepper and sundried tomatoes or other shit like that in their hummus, but then they don't really want hummush as it is done in Lebanon, they want some bastardized shit that goes well with the fish and a light glaze or some other bullshit. IF you want, IF YOU WANT, you can just use the chick peas, tahini, oil, cumin and water. Anything other than that is just frill. How many people does this recipe serve? Fuck if I know. I am going to go back to my office and eat this shit myself.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

I'll see AG's Babs Bush story and raise her a MOTHERFUCKING KARL ROVE!!1!!1!!1!!

AG ain't got nothing on me. She may have left a note for Babsy Bush on an airplane, but Karl Rove lives in my neighborhood and ships stuff down the street from my apartment. If I run into him, he is going to get a cobag sign superglued to his doughy cheeks. This will likely translate to me shouting shit at him and his car as his bodyguards beat the bloody piss out of me. I will have to work very hard to restrain myself.

This could be the end of the Genius. I may end up learning how to decorate a cell in Leavenworth. Maybe I could adapt The Immortal Man in Black's "Folsom Prison" to Leavenworth Blues or something.

I should contact The Cobagitator, maybe we could work out a sign campaign.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Just for fish

Look, fish, I have some serious evidence to back up my assertions. I am the O.B.C. when it comes to blogging about strange pets. I currently own a tarantula named Helob and haved owned a self caught skink, iguana and several gorgons. My own wang is an enormous monster that is barely contained by my kevlar boxers.

It's ok, I'll accept your apology as long as you refrain from posting anymore of your google searched Arthropoda because that phylum was ceded to me in the Post Porkday Feast Phyla Division Bloggosummit in California.

Friday, July 14, 2006

It occurs to me that I have been indavertently rude to the UC

Thanks a bunch for letting me stay with you at Lemony, Uncanny. I had a great time bashing Pinkotalking about music.

The Mid-Term Elections and Diebold, er, I mean, uh, you!

Those yahoos at Yahpoo sent this along with some other depressing news to me. I am not depressed by this article at all. I like how it directly contradicts everything that wingnuts have been saying about American voters. I know that Diebold and the other makers of digital voting machines will see this and understand that all Americans have the right to vote and have their votes be counted in a fair and accurate way. Or, at the very least, the votes they really meant to cast, if only they were better informed and thus, the help provided by Diebold.

"Counting the vote you really wanted to cast."
or perhaps:
"Interpreting your votes since 2000."

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Israel and Other Stuff

So, Israel. And Palestine. And Lebanon. Awesome, just so goddam awesome.

I am not an expert on this situation and I am not confident that anyone else is either. I am confident that the world's governments wants the situation to stay as it is, while claiming that they want peace. Or maybe the problem is that everyone wants peace but their own sort of peace. I was thinking about this the other day and I realized something that may seem absurd, possibly even offensive.

The only reason we don't have a Palestinian-type liberation movement in the US is because we killed off as many Native Americans as we could and locked them away in reservations that are still fucked. Call me a sentimental jackass, but I feel bad for our nation's actions. I read Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee a couple years ago. I had studied some pre-Columbian cultures of North and South America and I had read some of the history of our near genocide of the prior residents, but that book really laid it out.

I am not suggesting anyone do this at all. I am expressing regret at the violence in our past and the violence in the present in Israel, Palestine and Lebanon. I hope Israel doesn't attack someone who will actually fight back with a full scale war. I also hope this shit calms the hell down.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Alone Time

One of my brothers of incalculable number moved in with me last week. We now share an efficiency. Needless to say, the amount of time I spend alone in each day has been greatly reduced. This is a development that has its benefits. I spend less time talking to myself. Or anyone really because I just tend to sit around reading or assembling armies for my brother to paint. Mostly we just try to sit around and not be too hot. This is hard because, as many of you are aware, I am one of the two hottest people on the planet. The other being Derek Zoolander and I will topple him one day. I was robbed at the last competition, that loser can only turn left. I turn in all directions!

We also cook more. We don't cook fancy stuff but we do actually cook now. The other day we cooked sausage with rice and carrots with a garnish of spicy brown mustard. Tonight, pancakes and carrots! But never flapjacks. Flapjacks are for losers only. Tomorrow, we will probably make carbonara and carrots. Carrots are good for you. You can eat them raw or cooked. You can have them on a boat or reading a book. You can buy them in a great big bag for a reasonable amount of cash. You can dip them in hummus or smear them on toast. I can't recommend carrots and toast. It sounds a lot more interesting than it is. May I take a moment to describe my love of breakfast foods? Thanks. I love breakfast foods like french toast, pancakes, sausage, bacon and biscuits with sausage gravy. In fact, those are the ideal breakfast foods. Cereal is just a vile substance I eat in order to make the few occasions of proper breakfast food consumption that much sweeter.

Anyway, there are drawbacks to sharing a one room apartment. These don't need to be explicitly described.

About the armies, my brother is an award winning artist. In case you think this is lame or loserish, I submit this article and these pictures as evidence. The pictures aren't all that great, but this summer we are going to post some really nice ones with multiple light sources, nice gradient in the background and a soft focus lense for really bringing out the skin tones.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Explosion in Ellison Bay, Wisconsin

My mom sent me an email saying that there was some kind of explosion in Ellison Bay, WI. Two people were killed and three buildings were destroyed. The Pioneer Store was one of the buildings that was blown up. That store was really neat. It looked like a store from a western movie, with shelves the entire height of the main room and narrow aisles. They even had a pretty decent movie selection and would keep your membership on a 3x5 card in a plastic box. My brother and I went down there for ice cream and root beer the summer after my first freshman year in college. It was neat just to walk down the aisles and look at all the stuff. Heaps of different food items and necessities.

Forgive me (or don't) if I sound callous, but I was more shocked by the store's destruction then the poor saps that bought it. This bugs me. No one deserves to get blown up while they sleep.

The authorities are not yet sure of the cause of the explosion, but I bet it wasn't the terrorists.

Google News Search

The Appleton-Post Crescent

PS. This was not meant to detract in any way from the horrible event in Mumbai. I only heard about that when I got home Tuesday night.


I was forum surfing yesterday and I found this:

After changing my shorts, I did a little more digging and found this:

If you want to check out the rest, be their guest. The IMDB page lists a disappointing director, but maybe this will be as good as Collateral. I have my doubts.

Monday, July 10, 2006

If I were a real journalista...

I tell you what I'd ask.

ME: "Mr. President, with consistent approval numbers below 50%, WHERE'S YOUR MANDATE NOW, BITCH!1?2??"

The Cobag in Chief would respond with "Up your ass, right next to the Patriot Act, NSA, Constitution and my left foot, jerkwad. Next question."

ME: "Could I get some lube? Or perhaps some Metamucil?"

CIC: "No."

Friday, July 07, 2006

I just figured out Pinko Punko

Watch this space for more details.

Or The Daily Show for inspiration. Specifically, the clip embedded here.

In other news, I really don't understand why conservatives want to stop gay people from getting married. They would then pay less taxes which would result in smaller government. Isn't that a goal of the Republican'ts?

Thursday, July 06, 2006

You know you are a jackass when webcomics make fun of you.

Senator Stevens, you are a jackass. Of course, it could also be argued that you have made it as a Republican't if Clif makes fun of you.

But seriously, folks. Internet ignorance is a devastating aspect of business today. Millions of dollars are wasted every year by companies that pay IT professionals to spend hours explaining the simplest aspects of the internet and computer networks to dumb morons. The hardest part for a lot of these poor, benighted ignorant jackasses is understnading that their ill-conceived notions on the nature and capacity of the interenet and their computers are just that. The damned1 IT pros are stuck answering questions that have no answer in reality because the question was formed off in ignorance land.2 For some people, asking a question about a computer is about as hard as asking someone to explain any joke on 3Bulls! because after one or two or thirty seven visits, a random person has yet developed no capacity for understanding the whole. Thus, any answer will simply result in more confusion. This confusion will then lead to anger as the questioner comes to believe that the IT professional is simply obfuscating and keeping the Q'er out of the joke.

But really folks, there is nothing funny about internet ignorance. Or 3 Bulls.

1 In the faustian sense.

2 Ignorance land is located on Charon, about 20 billion miles northwest of Uranus. You may want to take a left and head north for a while after reaching Uranus.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Back with a bang. The Big One, in fact.

I do a lot of surfing at work and some of it is even work related. In my gmail inbox, I get some odd ads. I saw one that I could not resist.

"The Final Theory: New book explains everything." I could always use more help understanding women, so I figured I would click on through. I read a little bit and then a little more and then I made the guess that this author was a person whose choice in hats is slightly different from mine. I may cover my windows with tinfoil to keep out the solar rays, but this guy might try to use that same solar shield array to vaporize my neighbors.

"Those bastards are smoking outside the building again. Angle the solar shields, Beaker!"


"DO IT! They may claim I'm mad, but I'll show them when I hit the brakes on the Earth and everyone is flung into space! My theory will be vindicated through my testable examples. Are those tobaccobags fried extra crispy yet, Beaker?"


I get a little bored at work and hate smelling cigarettes that I am not smoking. I even hate smelling cigs that I am smoking. This may have something to do with my habitual non-smoking habit. Anyway, I ran a quick search of the authors name and sure enough the first listed link was the site and the second was a rebuttal of sorts.

The part that really set off my antenna was the bits about not discussing any of the author's core ideas/revelations for fear of them being misunderstood out of context. Even Ann Coulter talks about her books main themes and chapters. Well, she talks about the books that she actually wrote.