CDC: Game of Thrones and Sweeney Todd

I woke up with an odd tune in my head. 

My dreams were fragmented and medieval, I was watching a host of men laying about with sword and shield.  The dream shifted and I was zooming in on a large rowboat approaching land.  In the boat I saw Roose Bolton, Sansa Stark, and Ramsay Snow in a boat travelling into a port in the north of Westeros, I knew I was looking at White Harbor, and that maybe I need to lay off the Game of Thrones a little.

After floating through a lock, the rowboat was connected to a winch by another Hodor-type person, and then pulled violently up a hill by the winch like some sort of Westerosi carnival ride.  As the Boltons and Sansa mounted horses and rode off, I heard the voice of the Red Woman recite a strange prophecy to the Brotherhood without Banners.  The Brotherhood was slipping between trees and wearing lots of green as the shadowed the Bolton army on the way to the Dreadfort.  I think the Brotherhood was singing something, and Grenn was with them.  He kicked some serious ass when the BWB snuck into a Bolton holdfast for the night.

The prophecy involved finding a special boar and feeding to a specific dog so they could get a specific stirring stick and some other ingredients to make some sort of potion.  It was very convoluted, as prophecies are, and I woke up mostly because I kept thinking, "well, that's just confusing, how do we know we have the right stick?"

As I woke up, I realized that the Brotherhood without Banners had been singing a mucked up version of the Sweeney Todd theme:

Attend the tale of Ramsay Snow,
His face was sweet and his hobbies were odd.
Attend the tale of Ramsay Snow,
The demon butcher of DREAD
FORT

 

Head for the Hills

I'm on vacation in the Midwest.  This is cause for concern for plumbers, cause for joy among organic meat herders, and cause for terror among toilets.  I've lost track of the amount of meat sandwiches I have consumed in the last few days, but I haven't lost track of the number of shattered, post-apocalyptic, dystopian bathrooms I have left in my wake.

Three:
At a place called First Watch outside of Westlake, Ohio.
At Lady Chemisty's ancestral home in Iowa.
And, finally, at my expedition headquarters in Wisconsin.

The last one was so bad I had to retreat to the second floor until the gas dissipated.  I saw three men huddled in a crater in the living room die when they removed their masks too early.  President Obama is rumored to be debating the legality of declaring my butt a national threat.

I am worried for my family, as my parents, despite being rocks, tend to eat a high fiber diet.  I am worried that some may not survive this coming week.

Whales, Or What I Was Thinking About As I Walked Home Last Night

I would be unsurprised if the entire sushi-eating-capable* portion of humanity were able to consume the entire currently-living cetacean population in one busy afternoon and evening. I can not, at the time of writing, determine which result would cause me more sadness and general disappointment with humanity. Obviously, I know which result would surprise me more.

* Capability is determined as those with no known allergies with adequate income and also within a certain geographic proximity of a sushi-serving establishment and/or venue. (Ie. The Filet Strip Club and Sushi Bar in Courtsmouth, PA and that place in Albuquerque, NM where I went with my college girlfriend.)

What Do You Think?

I need to ask those people in the Onion what they think should be on the DC non-state quarter. I voted for the "No Taxation Without Representation" flag but you can vote for Ben's Chili Bowl, Snag. It was a hard decision, as I really could use a chili dog after all the mashed potatoes on crackers and eating my coworker's chocolate chip cookies all day long. I should eat a salad or something but all I have is Five Guys Fries to look forward to tonight, right PP? Robola knows my dilemma, I just keep eating anything you put in arm's reach and my arms are fucking long.

How American is that? Apparently, I know hate every third world country out there because in the last few days I have been eating well more than my fair share of resources.

Another Post in Solidarity

Thanks to a super secret sexy friend, I learned about this piece of bullshit. A projectionist, Jesse Morrison, who writes movie reviews for Ain't It Cool News, Malco's movie blog and a circular that was distributed at the theater was fired over a negative review of Craptastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer.* According to the sack of shit that fired him, "...this boy knew what he was doing was the wrong thing. ...He was in a position of trust and he violated that trust." This corporate, spineless turd had a valid point in terminating Mr. Morrison, AKA Memflix, if the guy had been writing without the knowledge of the company. EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT MEMFLIX HAD BEEN WRITING REVIEWS FOR THEIR OWN MOVIE BLOG AND THEY HAD BEEN DISTRIBUTING FLIERS OF THESE REVIEWS AT THE FUCKING THEATER!

Guess what, jackass? I hope Memflix sues you for wrongful termination or at the very least organizes a protest of your chain of theaters. What a pile of crap. The chain knew exactly what this projectionist was doing and approved of it until he wrote a review that the movie's distribution company disliked. This is such total and complete fucking crap.

Ain't It Cool

Malco: Let the fuckers know how you feel.

*I have not seen this movie, but since it is connected to the first one, I deem it likely to be just as asseriffic. I could be wrong, but I am not spending money to find out.

Update on the Fire Hydrant Situation

A crew replaced the broken hydrant in front of my apartment yesterday. All you tokers in my building may feel free to light another spliff, but I would still prefer it if you didn't set fire to the building. Just in case.

Apparently the situation around the city just keeps getting worse however. The DC Fire Chief is saying that it looks like more than 25% of the hydrants in DC aren't working. The WASA General Manager is saying "that only a fraction of hydrants are out of service." That is technically correct. 25% can also be called one quarter which we all know is a fraction of a whole.

Jackass.

Three Days

Three days without coffee and I damn near told my boss to get his head out of his ass and dump the double standard or I would tell everyone how badly he fucked up at the conference and what a fucking nightmare he has made of everything since. The only reason shit hasn't completely hit the fan is because I am so damn good.

There but for the grace of God...

Certainly isn't for the grace of coffee. God I could use a pot or three. At least the headaches have decreased in severity today but I feel like I am being stretched on a very slow rack.

Bush Prevented From Assassinating Self and Cheney with Hydrogen Car Bomb by Kung-Fu-Flying-Leg-Kick-Two-Fisted-Gun-Blazing-Ford-President

This story has been zipping all over the internets since Saturday but forgive me for I just read about it today. Apparently, Bush is unconsciously suicidal about the immense fucking mess he has made of pretty much everything. In a move that is regarded by at least one blogger (me) as the sole attempt at an informed decision and a stroke of momentary intelligence, Bush decided to try plugging in the wrong end of the hydrogen powered car being showed off by Ford. The explosion would likely have incinerated Bush and severely damaged Vice-President Cheney's mecha-exosuit.

The only other explanation that one can derive from this incident is that Bush an arrogant son of a bitch who couldn't be bothered to listen to the instructions and warnings of the man trying to show off the new car. We all know that Bush listens to experts so that couldn't possibly be the case. Therefore, he must be a suicidal nutjob and secretly desires to take full responsibility for his and Robo-Cheney's actions by immolating both of them.

Would the nation finally understand the true legacy of Bush and Cheney if this had happened? Would they finally be acknowledged as the bumbling morons they are? Or would the nation commit fully and completely to petroleum forever? Would Pelosi have said anything nice at the funeral? Would Ford be branded a bunch of terrorists? Would Al Gore have made any jokes about Bush's carbon footprint, other than saying it was all over the White House lawn? Would I have shed a single tear?

Civic Doodies EDITED FOR CLARITY'S SAKE

This week has been one for the books, or blogs. DC got about an inch of snow Tuesday night and this brought up fond memories of extortion schemes against the elderly.

As I walked to work, as I am wont to do, I noticed that only 5 residences had cleared their front walks and sidewalks of snow. I was raised by a family that encouraged social responsibility. Whenever it snowed, I would typically get at least 3 hours off school, if not a whole day, and would rush out to shovel (sweep) the snow off our frontwalk and section of sidewalk. I would then proceed to roam around my neighborhood and coerce people to pay me to clear their walks. One year, we got an extra week of spring break when it snowed two and a half feet on a Sunday night. The Genius' Brothers of Indeterminate Number all set about making the best fort this side of Belvoir the next morning. This beast had four walls that were five feet high and a supply of icey ammunition to last most any siege. The walls were a bit of an obstacle for the younger members of the garrison but with the help of a spotter, we acted as mortars arcign our shots over the wall in a rain of snowy doom. We were the unchallenged masters of the county. Since the rest of the neighborhood's kids were all under the age of twelve, they could barely get their snow suits on, let alone mount an effective assault on a well defended fortification. Perhaps they were too busy performing terrorist attacks against local libraries. Anyway, the shovelling lobby must have been strong at one point because a person is legally liable for accidents that occur on their section of sidewalk, should that person fail to clear the walk of any dangerous condition. This may or may not be true, but that is irrelevant because so many people believe that it is true and it affects their behavior in such a way that they will pay 30-50 dollars to any kid with a shovel when it snows. This is how we should treat global warming, which brings me to my next topic.

I went out with Hot Liberal a few times. I inadvertently ended that relationship when we went out to see Children of Men, which everyone should go see. We were having a fine time until she revealed her position on global warming. She called it a problem of global pollution and denied that global warming was going to happen like ALL THE CLIMATOLOGISTS IN THE ENTIRE GODDAM WORLD say it will. She then used the "you don't know what I've read defense" and some other choice arguments that probably came from the CEI septic tank. I basically blew my lid and blew a ton of holes in her statements. This continued over an email exchange in which she then tried to point out that science once called the atom the smallest part of the universe. I countered with the statement that for someone who studied science in college she had an extremely poor grasp of the scientific method. At one point, I said that I couldn't agree to disagree with her because that kind of weak statement only serves to allow the current situation to continue. She then decided that since I didn't respect her opinions that she couldn't be with someone like me. Shit, we wouldn't want your ignorance to interfere with your weltanschauung. The basis of this argument again reaches back to the days of my youth, some which was indeed spent in Asia, in which I was taught to have a sense of social responsibility. I was taught to leave things better than I found them. I am not sure that she is better off now that we had that argument, but I know that I don't care. Hopefully, she paid attention to the recent news about global warming, but since that news has absolutely no respect for her opinion, I doubt it.

Speaking of outside forces crapping on your day, there is a certain kind of asshole that lives in my neighborhood and I am not necessarily referring to any bowtie wearing jackhole. This kind of asshole lets her or his dog shit all over the sidewalk and then leaves the immense steaming pile of shit to rot. Or cover the bottom of some unfortunate sole. DC has two important laws about dogs: dogs must be leashed at all times and owners must clean up after them. Hell better help these people should I ever see someone leave turd on the sidewalk because I will descend upon that person with a fiery wrath matched only by the unrepentant seraphim. Elohim ain't got nothing on me. This is not an isolated incident either. On an average day, I will see three or four new turds on my walk. They have gotten thick enough that at one point, I thought I was looking at a human turd. I was a Boy Scout and I have learned a thing or two about the woods and turds you find in said woods. Anyway, the mile between my office and my apartment now has an almost even spread of canine fecal matter, about every 25-30 feet. This is a neighborhood that installed shitboxes at every corner on each side of the street specifically for the disposal of the waste products of these fecally fecund residents. There are at least four dogs that have owners that are not performing their right and proper duties. If I see this happen, I will pick up that turd and hurl it mightily at the asshole that allowed his or her dog to deposit it and then failed to clean it up. I can always toss my gloves in a washing machine afterwards, but that person will have learned a lesson that they won't soon forget. Olfactorily speaking.

EDITED FOR CLARIFICATION: The girl and I stopped seeing each other in the first week of January. I realize that this post is entirely misleading in this regard. I apologize. I only just decided to blog about it because I finally got annoyed enough about this.

I can not lay a disagreement on a topic like global warming aside in order to continue dating a person. It is too important to me and my behavior reflects this feeling. I have changed my behavior to reflect the strength of my conviction. I won't date a person who denies the existence of the problem. Maybe this makes me a self-righteous asshole, but I don't care. I am doing what little I can to improve the problem. If we had been talking about a disagreement on a rather less important matter, like movies or books or something, then I would be total munchwad for dumping someone over that.

His Bowtie Knows Where You Sleep...err...Work

Image by Gavin @ Sadly No!
The wingnut wankjob I mentioned in the formerly removed post, Tucker Carlson, has threatened the video store where I now formerly worked with legal action and as a result, I no longer work there. I do not have access to these threats but I can imagine that they consist of something similar to this:

"I'm easily the most recognizable conservative pundit today, as my wikipedia page will attest, but goddam it, I deserve to be recognized only if I stand to benefit from it! I am a huge asshole and I expect to be treated like one. I will fucking destroy anyone who dares to poke fun at me and so help me god my bowtie is stylish and not at all funny! I can't believe that I might be subject to ridicule after I physically threatened another man with destruction because he mentioned me on his blog!(This part is absolutely true.) You people are terrorists and I demand that all video store records now be accessible by the feds and only the feds! I want to come in and be denied rental because I have not filled out an ESTNJ stroke 6 Alpha form in triplicate! It is just inconceivable that a man of my utter cobagitude be the brunt of harmless jokes on the internets!"

Well, motherTucker, this is the internet and there is nothing you can do to me anymore. I will admit that from your perspective, it was easy to see how I was being a complete dick in my previous post. It is likely that you have never heard of the various scandals that have erupted when jerks have outed bloggers who wished to remain anonymous. I would be surprised if you have not heard about Michelle Malkin's incident. I thought I was covering my ass by stating very deliberately that I would never share your information with anyone. I did this because I wanted to proceed with a verbal joke that actually came from my personal experience. I did not realize that my personal experience was not allowed.

In the new digital age, regarding a statement like this:

I won't tell you where he lives, though. That would be wrong and stupid. I will also not be running around ordering 10,000 copies of America: The Book and having it sent to his place even if that would be more awesome than frozen urine treats for his home.

as a threat is batshit loco. A barely anonymous blogger has declared that he is always going to take steps to ensure your privacy and you go apeshit psycho on his ass. One might note here that I did not falsify any details of our interaction to hide my identity, thus basically announcing myself to you, although you might imagine that I really had no expectation that I would actually be conversing with you via my blog, but you've never left a comment. You did admit to having "read" my blog, but you sadly chose to avoid leaving a comment on any post even the ones about my tarantula. I guess you don't have much use in your life for ridiculously intelligent and physically endowed people.

I googled "Tucker Carlson stalker" in an attempt to determine why a man might go from zero to asshatted ragemonkey over a minor comment on a blog that barely rates as Z-list. The first ten hits were all about Tucker's comment that Canada is stalking the US. That is pretty funny in and of itself. Just the other day, I thought I was being followed and turned around only to see Canada turn ninety degrees and start whistling. The second page of hits contained a link to reviews of his book on Amazon.ca (OOO! Maybe Canada IS stalking the US!). In the third review, Bernard Chapin says that Tucker was falsely accused of rape by some stalkerish person. I can see how this might set a man on edge and make him wary of being mentioned comedically on some random blog. Technorati must love me because the number of daily links to my site can probably be counted on my ginormous wang. (That is a comment on the fact that I have one wang and maybe one link as day if I am lucky.)

In order to perform due diligence, I looked through the first four pages of that google search. I found only the one reference to a stalking incident and a whole mess of references to Tucker's infamous comment, which I suppose he thought was funny, about Canada being a stalker. Yet, PTSD can linger for many years, as our veterans know first hand, and therapy is important but you have to want to change, Tucker. I can't change your trauma for you.

Compare what I wrote to this absolutely true exchange from Friday night when you marched into the store:

Tucker: If you keep this shit up, I will fucking destroy you.
The Genius (Me): Whoah, perhaps you would like to take this outside where you can continue threatening me without disturbing the other customers.
Tucker: *Looks out the window, then back at me* I am not threatening you.
The Genius: You just said you would fucking destroy me.
Tucker: No, I didn't.

I can see where I might have erred in my previous post. I wasn't a belligerent chundernozzle. At one point, Tucker was heard to exclaim

"Don't whoah me"

in response to my attempts to bring the conversation back into the realm of sanity. Since I am a basically nice guy, I even took down the post. Upon learning that Tucker followed through on his threat of destruction, I republished the post that so aggravated him and was allegedly threatening.

I also thought I was being extremely funny by mentioning that I would
not be sending you 10,000 copies of Jon Stewart et al's America: The Book. In fact, I was being extremely funny with that one, this is one of the virtues of being the massively wanged Genius that I am. I could believe that you might be sad that I would not be sending you reading material of such a humorous nature, but I am not a man of several inheritances and 10,000 copies is a little pricey. Hence, it was humorous. I will also admit that the comment about frozen urine treats may have crossed the oh-so-individual line and may have seemed directly threatening when really it was a reference to a prank performed back in college by friends of mine.

Perhaps if I had mentioned that we were roughly similar in size, above the waist that is, and I always thought he looked taller on TV, it would have been funnier. Hell, that is always funny. It might have been funny if I mentioned how oddly even (orange?) his skin tone was and he always looks so pale in the screen captures I see on TPM Muckraker. I might have even gone so far as to say he should fire his make up person for trying to hide that suspiciously even tan.

The difference between our actions is that I wrote a silly post on a blog that previously received less than 10 hits a day, with 5 of those being mine. You came at me in person, like the fake-tan-having bully that you are, and directly threatened both my health and my livelihood.

Thus, you are a gigantic cobag and I will no longer have the joy of dealing with drunk people arguing with me about their excessive late fees or pervs asking me about the next shipment of porn and whether we were getting any hermaphrodites themed videos or kids asking me to find the pokemon because they can't see straight let alone spell due to their massive daily intake of sugar and Ritalin or witness recently divorced men in their forties hit on my female coworkers. I should thank you for relieving me of the question I was constantly asking myself, "What the fuck am I doing here on a Saturday night for seven bucks an hour?" However, by being a gigantic cobag, you have opened yourself up to the lofty heights of satire previously reserved for dorks like Glenn Reynolds, Ann Althouse and everybody at both NRO and Powerline.

This mess is your bed and this is my blog. Please enjoy your stay, you fucking assbag.

UPDATE AS OF 10:40 PM JANUARY 8, 2007: Tucker Carlson's lawyer or someone claiming to be in this position has hassled my friend and former coworker around 7:30 to 8:00 pm this evening. This person marched into the video store and demanded information about me and insisted that my friend divulge my full name, place of residence and any other further places of employment I might have. My friend is totally effing rad and rightly told this person that there was no way in hell he/she was giving away any information about me and then demanded that this hassler then produce their name and place of employment. The hassler claimed that this information was confidential. My friend then said, "Well, now you know how I feel." I am rather in awe of the loyalty this friend displayed and I should find some appropriate way to pay him/her back for the aggravation suffered.

If this harassment does not cease by 5 pm Tuesday the 9th, I will be forced to take further legal action.

Other Posts To Check Out On This Issue:
Pinko Punko's Beautiful Post On 3 Bulls
Teh L4m3 Brings His Amazing Wit to Bear
Outside the Tent Breaks Out the Serious Pants in Style

Additional links added 7:30 PM 1/9/07:
Wonkette
The Guns of Auguste
Sadly, No!
Paddykraska at Daily Kos
Plover at 3Bulls!
Orange at Chrome Beach
Fish gets in on it, too.

If any members of the press would like to contact me, please feel free to email me at: geniusblogs AT sluggy DOT net

UPDATE AS OF 11:00 AM 01/11/07: The lawyer/private detective is still trying to find me through my former colleagues at the video store. I am seeking my own legal counsel as I said I would take further harassment seriously.