Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Another Comic I Hereby Approve

Merry Christmas Everybody!

Who cares if it is two days after Christmas? There were some years that our gifts didn't arrive for months after the day, so just suck it up.

Also, somebody got their Jesus in my porn.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

In the New Year, I will be a better person

In the new year, I will think about going to a DC public library and logging on to Amazon and ordering every book or comedy special Jon Stewart has ever produced and mailing them to wingnut jackasses and other pundits, payment to be provided by the receivers.

In the new year, I will think about letting my wang experience a red shift and then accede to its demands and undergo a further blue shift.

In the new year, I will think about my metaphors and how to insert comedy and relevance in them.

In the new year, I will not be working on improving anything else about my person because I am awesome.

In the new year, except for my sadly lacking Guitar Hero skills, I might work on those.

In the new year, and my air guitar skills.

In the new year, and my Slovak, I should really get on that.

In the new year, I intend to increase the number of unsuccessful relationships and possibly even come up with a definition of success, likely to be borrowed from Operation Iraqi Freedom.

In the new year, I will ignore that previous statement as it makes me sound bad. Very bad. In many, many ways.

In the new year, I intend to put some serious time into developing my character. On the World of Warcraft. I honestly think I have the chops to be a pro-gamer.

In the new year, except I don't because I like women and other social interactions.

Also, the best moment of the year, politically.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Not as Recognizable as You Might Think Mr. Carlson

Tucker Swanson McNear Carlson (born May 16, 1969 in San Francisco, California) is a pundit who currently hosts Tucker, a national television news show, which is broadcast weekdays at 4 p.m. and 6 p.m. ET on MSNBC.

Carlson is generally considered one of the most recognizable conservative media personalties on American television.

Tucker Carlson opened an account last night at my video store. I thought the name seemed familiar but I couldn't figure out why. It was after he left that I realized he was on the list of Gigantic Cobagz. I could tell you what he and his ridiculously wasped-out female companion (wife?) rented if you really want to know. I won't tell you where he lives, though. That would be wrong and stupid. I will also not be running around ordering 10,000 copies of America: The Book and having it sent to his place even if that would be more awesome than frozen urine treats for his home.

UPDATE FROM JANUARY 8, 2007: This entire post was meant in humor. I took what I felt were more than adequate precautions to protect the privacy of Tucker and took fun oppurtunties for humor. Some of these jokes were self-referential to the point of totally inside jokes that would require a bit of research to discover, but my blog is just a blog and not a nationally known news show. It isn't even a fake news blog. It most certainly isn't a dance competition even if I do get pretty groovy.

I will state again that I will never divulge private information about anyone that isn't me because that is a violation of their rights and I am a man that honestly believes in the validity of all of the Constitution, not just parts of it. I also will not link to those who choose to reveal information that people wish to keep private such as what happened to Michelle Malkin and what she did to those protestors in the University of California or like Patrick Bell did to Clif at Outside the Tent. That is never acceptable.

Link references:
Frozen Urine (a joke referring to college era pranks)
America: The Book
Other fun and non destructive pranks

I Just had an Odd Dream

I was taking a tour of Troublemaker Studio and I got separated and ended up sitting on some stolls with some random people about my age. Robert Rodriguez walks up and starts describing how we will all fail him in one way and be cut from the program. Nobody notices taht I should not be in the group.

Rodriguez gives us a pantomime assignment to test our flexibility. This plays out just like you would expect a bunch of unoriginal dumbass directors to act. One seems to be a kind of Jerry Bruckheimer that desperately wants to display real emotion, one a lamer version of Antoine Fuqua, another is an even more annoying version of Aviva Kempner (I met her and she treats clerks like crap) and then there is me. I apparently want to direct movies that only star Lou Ferrigno as the Hulk.

I woke up as we were discussing the second experiment. Rodriguez had given us a bow and knife for a prop. I don't think I was going to win the internship or whatever.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Christmas with The Genius

Ain't gonna happen. I told my boss that I would work at the video store on Christmas back in November in exchange for Thanksgiving and I always* stick to my word. I will enjoy working on Christmas Eve and Day because I will. That is just how I am. When you are basically broke all the time and you have essentially no legal marketable skills, the only thing you have is your integrity. So I sell it.

See that? That is a joke.

This is not a joke: should I ever be lucky enough to feel comfortable having children and should I ever meet someone who wants to have my incredibly smart and dangerous children, I feel entirely confident in saying the next sentence. My children will know the names of the Elder Gods long before they know shit like colors and shapes. After all, colors and shapes are meaningless in attempts to describe beings from beyond the dawn of time and physics.

*This asterisk is ominous.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

God Loves Porn

It is pretty obvious people.

God created humanity.*

God loves humanity.

God loves humanity's actions.**

Humanity created the internets.

The internets is the greatest creation in the history of humanity until the next big one.

The internets is the Library of Alexandria.***

The internets is full of pornography.

The Library of Alexandria is full of pornography.****

God loves pornography.

Tell me I'm wrong.

*According to some.
**Probably not all of them, but God created us the way we are, ergo...
***There was likely pornography in the original Library.
****Again, arguably true, even for the historical version.

This Is The Sound of fulsome's Mating Call

High Expectations UPDATED

Shit and double shit. I am normally a fairly witty and snappy sort of talker. This ability does not slip away from me in most situations, even when it would be helpful. Now, I find myself in a situation where the woman I am meeting has high expectations for wit and banter and all I can think about is that she likes me and likely wants to get freaky.

I know you can't see it, but I just drifted off there for like five minutes. My brain has more trains of thought than Perdido Street Station and most of them derail when I drift like this. Anyway, I have just now decided that I must approach this situation like I approach any situation that doesn't require power tools, construction, skills I don't possess, tools I don't possess or automobiles: without any planning or forethought. Jump in with both feet or headfirst and swim if you can. Improvise. It has mostly worked so far. Except in that Calculus class. And some interviews.

UPDATE 2:25PM 12/20/06: I have just been informed that I performed a classic Hollywood Gambit in order to win the attentions of the fair, fiery, redheaded maiden in question. Dear lord, I am officially a cliche.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

The Internets is for God

After mdhatter's find, this just seems horrible and utterly untrue. I have delved into some truly hideous places on internet and I have to say that even though God was being mentioned, God was ignoring the hell out of

Holiday Gift Giving: What are we giving The Genius?

1. Nothing because he is rude and mean.
The Genius' Response: Fair enough, for you art a moron and art a bad gift giver.

2. Nothing because he never writes thank you letters.
TGR: Fair enough, for I am selfish and very bad at writing those who shower me with praise and/or gifts.

3. Petri dishes to be filled with urine to later be frozen.
TGR: I can never have enough petri dishes.

4. Music.
TGR: Truly is the one thing in the universe garaunteed to make you more attractive to the object of your desire.

5. Money.
TGR: Forget what I said about #4 and apply it here.

6. Hugs.
TGR: Back the hell off. I ain't no whiny emo.

7. Crossbows.
TGR: Are you sure you know the receiver of this gift? I will only use it for evil. You were warned.

8. Contact information.
TGR: Acceptable.

9. Booze.
TGR: Meh, I could take it or leave it.

10. Books.
TGR: You stray into dangerous territory here, for I am picky and will cut you off if you screw this up. Julinopsis has unrestricted rights to give The Genius books due solely to her awesome taste and excellent track record with book oriented gifting.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

The Genius: Still Slick with the Wit, Still Alone with the Night

Let me set the scene:
Christmas party in a typical twentysomething's apartment, not The Genius' place. Low music and conversation, some drinks, some food and genitals arising in said conversation.
DC, a defense contractor-married but alone for the night.
FL, a female liberal-friend of The Genius
HL, a hot female liberal-new to The Genius and initially in massive confrontation with The Genius because she thought she was the smartest person in the room.
TG, The Genius-the smartest person in the room.

HL: I don't know how you men live with your externally hanging genitals. How is that comfortable?
FL: HAHA! Seriously.
DC: It isn't that hard, we have been doing it our whole lives.
HL: But they are always hanging, how can that be comfortable?
DC: How do you deal with your breasts?
HL: I hate them. I would get them removed if I could.
TG: I would love to help you learn to appreciate your breasts.
FL: *Laughs long and loud*
DC: *Puts face in hands and smiles*
HL: *Looks at The Genius with a mixture of shock, anger and a hint of arousal*
A moment of silence
DC: You basically just said you want to put your penis in her vagina.
HL: Yeah!

That fucker can suck my ass. Just because he is married and stuck changing diapers is no reason to try and shoot a fucking brilliant comeback. Anyway, I bet the host $10 that HL woudl be asking about me in the next week. The truly sad thing is that she might as well live in Sacramento and that FL thinks we would be fucking amazing together. So do I. Plus, if you couldn't figure it out from the dialogue above, she is fantastically attractive and pretty damn smart. I may have to crash a book club soon.

Update: She wants me to call. What can I say brains and a massive wang get me everything I want in life.

Update as of 2:57 PM 12/20/06:I have changed my mind. That word may mean what AG thinks it means. This post may make me look like more of a jerk than I am. It is a snapshot of a long conversation and at this point in the conversation, I was still a little bit in the jerk mode.

In the interest of not looking like a different kind of jerk than I am, HL is quite clearly smart and educated. The only thing missing in her life is a huge wang. That is all I am saying.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Bush Unveils Continued Plans for Operation Ignore Reality

Harry Reid goes for the love tap when he should go for the throat.

At least the show last night was good. Expect a joint report later this evening/week.

EDIT: This posts sucks and I hate it. I thought it was just a lame idea when I put it up, but now I find myself contemplating physical violence upon myself for the sheer heights of lameness this post exudes. I know that I was focused on the office party later in the day on Wednesday but this is just goddam atrocius. This is the Dyson vacuum of posts, it too will never lose suction. This post is NAFTA for blogs, sucking all of the small bits of quality down the tubes that makeup internet.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Totally Tarantula Tuesday: What are we buying our pets for Chanukwanzaamas?

I was watching a movie last night and petting Helob when I was reminded that I need to start buying presents in honor of some arbitrary calendar date memorializing the birth of some people that no one honors anymore. After I took a shower to wash off all the irritating hairs and lanced the bites left by my cute widdle cuddly tarantula, I settled down to a lovely evening of self-control and slow-connection internet shopping. I really only have one individual that deserves anything for Saturnalia.

Helob, my tarantula, provides me with such warmth and life sustaining love. There are few things in the world that a tarantula needs and none of these are available on the internet. I cleaned out his/her/its terrarium by scraping the top layer of dirt off with a plastic fork. I would have used my hands but the doctor said that if I get any more bites on that hand, I may have to get it amputated. Anyway, I cleaned out all the old webbing and the piles of dessicated cricket corpses. I also refreshed the water dish and diced up some apples and put them on a tray. Helob won't eat the apples, but the crickets I toss in her/his/its terrarium do eat it and then they get nice and fat and healthy for Helob to eats them, yes preciousess.

My cleaning efforts have really been rewarding. My apartment doesn't smell like dead crickets and tarantula shit anymore. The terrarium smells a little, but mostly like dried dirt. Maybe for its/her/his birthday, I will purchase a new terrarium and some clean, new strata for it as well. Then I could build Helob a pretty little burrow with a plastic roof and a nice cool floor. But then I wouldn't get to see it/her/him romping around through the field of webs and corpsesss, precioussess.

Monday, December 11, 2006


I can't blog at all from home. I can't connect to the internet at all unless you count dial up and dial up only counts for shit. Looks like the universe is working through one of its pawns to get me off the Warcraft.

Been offline for four days.

Getting the shakes.

Matt Damon Should Go Fuck Himself and Take JJ Abrams with Him

I am not raving mad, nor am I a raving fan of anything but social responsibility, but if you are going to be involved with anything related to Star Trek, you best be prepared to deal with the Kult of Kirk. Neverevernever reinvent him or recast him. That is just goddam ludicrous. Just go write some movies based around anything you damn want in that silly utopian universe, but do not mess with the Kirk.

JJ Abrams is involved in this because he sucks and is associated with all things suckiness.

Just so we are clear, Captain Kirk would kick the tar out of any generation's entire Starfleet captainry. Although, Scott Bakula might warp back in time to learn of the Kirk kung fu and then go back to the present to try and whup the Kirk, but the Kirk would still win in the end.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Pie Will Win Over Iraq

A new report indicates that all we need to do to win in Iraq is to give everyone pie. Operation Pie in the Sky will produce a unified win and stop all fighting in Iraq, once we have ignored the problem long enough.

Remember everyone, changing generals in the middle of a war is a sure fire way to lose. Am I right, General McClellan?

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

What do we do now?

Since Diebold is so damn horrible and absentee ballots are only counted in recounts and close races, the democratic system in America is completely dead, isn't it?

Happy Holidays!

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Tools of Oppression and the Value of Human Life

The argument over at this thread on 3Bulls and other places centers around words as a symbol and tool of oppression. Using words like dick, pussy, cunt, fag, girlie, bitch, ho, whore, slut, skank, gash, wop, spic, nigger, kyke and etc enables an insidious form of oppression according to many people pretty much everywhere in America. I have taken a whole one (1) Women's Studies class and it was an introductory course, but I am not unaware of the sometimes subtle sexism and overt racism existing in America. The use of these words displays and enforces the longstanding rule of a patriarchy. These words all contain an inherent superiority in white men and a similarly inherent inferiority in everyone else.

An astute and angry commenter in the same thread reiterated a point made in the movie Boondock Saints that many of our charming little phrases betray a history that isn't pretty, to put it mildly. Putting it rather more truthfully, we are a damn barbaric species. The last one hundred years have been rather peaceful in comparison to any previous hundred years since our species first decided to plant crops and create permanent settlements. Europe was at war almost continuously since we first started keeping track of the events in our lives until the end of World War 2. Africa remains a perpetually cycling system of war, famine and mild peace. The Middle East is not and has never been calm. Asia is rather beyond my research and I confess that I know very little of the history of any country west of California and east of Istanbul.

A colleague I respect asked me why we even attacked Iraq. I can see only the profuit made by contractors and the administration. Money. Money, money, money. So many people have died and certain corporations are making money habd over fist. If there were on thing that angers me the most about the Bush/Cheney Regime it is the complete lack of respect for human life. If the recent census that produced a result of 600,000 Iraqis dead as a result of our invasion of another sovereign nation and the famous "fungible" comment by Rumsfeld aren't enough to make my case, then Bush's comments to Senator-elect Webb should be damning. I would weep if I knew how much revenue has been generated by the human sacrifice in this insane occupation. This is not right.

The words that have created the latest storm raging across the blogoweb are also representative of a view of the value of human life. All of these words emphasize that male life is more important, stronger, better and in control of all life. As many events continue to show us, these words will never cease having power. Reclaiming a word is an utterly bankrupt attempt to remove the taint from these words. As evidenced in popular culture and recent news items, the word nigger will never lose it's foundation in oppression. Should we ever become so blase about slavery, the human species will be at a disappointing level of enlightenment.

All human life is equally valuable and this value is not based on utility or biology and one's dialogue should reflect this belief. To do otherwise erodes attempts to improve the horrible situation we have created for ourselves.

If you don't agree with me, fine. If you do, fine. If you want to complain, fine. If you never want to type to me again, fine.

A Clarification of My Point Has Been Requested:
No one is else required to follow my morals. If you want my respect, I will require you to be consistent in your beliefs. It is disingenuous to say that words like pussy and bitch are acceptable but then throw a fit about cunt. Likewise, I find it extremely distasteful and foolish whenever anyone makes an attempt to reclaim a racial slur. The double standards used in these arguments about reclamation require that the word still retain the foul origins for those not allowed to say and yet mean something beautiful or empowering for those that have decided that they are allowed to say certain words. There is no reclamation, just another definition in Webster. Reclamation is a fallacy that we all have come to accept so we can continue to think of the other as less than human, less than equal.

I may not have made my point as clear as I should in comments, thus I felt a post would clarify it.

A further clarification:
Racial slurs do feel somewhat worse to me than sexual ones. I have no doubt that this is based on my gender and my experiences even though I do everything I can to treat everyone the same. This is also an indication of how easy it is to accept words like bitch because we hear it so much more often and more casually, even though it is just as bad as cunt from my perspective. I still do not understand how one can be allowed but the other prohibited.

DARPA Can Eat Wang

I am rapidly reaching the not giving a flying monkey stage in my mania cycle and I was thinking that it may be time to start my own weapons laboratory. I don't know anything about science and shit, but I am a genius and I am not always certiably sane so I should be able to come up with a superweapon easily enough. Maybe fulsome, dontEATnachos and mdhatter would be willing to collaborate. dEn could design the website and we could subcontract our LASER testing needs out to Gregor Samsa or whoever it was that fires LASERs at the Giant Cephalopod menace in the Puget Sound.

Some of you may wonder, Chuckles! How could your strict ethical code possibly permit you to contribute to the creation of a device used only for death and destruction? Easy enough question to answer. We all suck and deserve to be eradicated and we are working hard at doing it. If I were to create some sort of Neutron Gun or Vapo-LASER, we could all kill each other without destroying the rest of the planet.

Maybe the bonobos would take better care of the planet if they could stop humping each other.

And yes, I do know that recent research suggests that wild bonobos don't have massive orgies like was first reported by Kano and de Waal. That is just damn depressing. They should be having huge orgies. They've earned it.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Some Words on Some Words

I may not understand or entirely give a shit about the past, current and future blogspheric bruhahas, but I do end up reading about them through secondary sources. The internets are such a wonderful place, but they move at a pace which I am not inclined to match. I do not read all the blogs I should, given my political leanings, nor do I read all the ones I detest even if it could bolster my humorous postings. I just don't have time for all this crap. Between my jobs, my World of Warcraft account, my pathetic attempts at dating and the inevitably ensuing perusals of pornography, I manage to read only the sites I link on this page. As an aside, if I haven't linked you yet, it is merely because I am a lazy turd. (Looking at you, almostinfamous)

So, if I don't seem appropriately enraged by some person's use of another person's bad word, don't take it as anything less than me not giving a shit. Frankly, I feel that everytime one of these incidents comes along, it is time for me to check out. I might as well tilt at the windmills in my mind as leave a comment in the hordes that result.

Maybe it is a bad day for feminism/homo-nups/gay rights/straight rights/politics/transformers/nanolathes/whatever, it still doesn't matter a whole lot to me. I don't know where I am anymore. I used to think I was on some parallel track to the rest of the goddam universe. There was a time when I thought my vector was entirely perpendicular and was conviced everything about me would end in a fiery collision. My efforts to speed that collision notwithstanding, I have no clue about anything. I know that I am drifting but know not my speed or vector.

Some days, I wake up and convince myself that tonight will be the night I buy some dope off everyone in my bulding and just tell everything to fuck off for the rest of my life. Other days, I wake up telling myself that this wiil be the day I get the raise I deserve and my bosses will finally admit that I am fucking worth it. Most days, I don't know which fantasy is sadder.

All I know anymore is that I seem to have moved to some place beyond schadenfreude and into, I dunno, apathyfreude? wangenfreude? Winter?

Oh, and about the picture? First one in a Google Image search for schadenfreude that made sense.

Real Genius Newsflash Super Update: Is she hitting on me?

Yes. Apparently, she was.

Also, Qwantz blew my freaking mind this morning with hilarity. I am sitting at my desk and I want to laugh so hard, but I am in a place of SERIOUS BUSINESS and I can't. Blowing my mind feels a bit like being an extra in the movie Miami Vice. Those dudes all got shot or stabbed or obliterated by explosions.

Anyway, back to the Qwantz. The author, Ryan North, claims that he does not understand the path to enlightenment which in and of itself is hilarious. The words used in the comic indicate that he has a fairly decent grasp on certain aspects of enlightenment and Buddhism or at least a fairly decent grasp on our society's understanding of Buddhism and enlightenment.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

New Series: Is This Woman Hitting On Me?

I was waiting for a friend in the video store where I work the odd night or two and a in walked another coworker. She is around 5' maybe 5'3" (it is hard to tell with the shorties) and petite. She has black hair is really attractive. We joke a lot at work and stuff and generally get along well. Somehow, we got to talking about phones and pictures on them. I show my nephew around to her and the other employee and some other photos and we all laugh at the picture I have of the ad for The Vampire Lestat: The Musical with songs by Elton John. The potential flirt then says that she has pictures on her phone. Naked pictures. Of her. That she then shows me.

I need a minute before I type further because there are flames. On the side of my face. Flames.

She giggles and I am trying to formulate a coherent discharge of electricity from one neuron to the other in my brain which had shorted the hell out. It is enough to say that the picture was hot and confirms all of the suspicions in my head since the Nudity Buffer was passed.

This woman has previously said that she thinks that the chubby Will Ferrel is hot and that she likes tall men with a bit of meat. And girth. In the penis region.

So I ask the question: Is she hitting on me?

Please put this instead of my name:
Clueless in DC But Still a Freaking Genius.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Most Recent Pictures of Res Publica Indicate Obsession

Put down the Moon Master Gorgotron Super Sword and back away from the television.

This is for your own good, little buddy.

dontEATnachos with the assist!

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Bare Knuckled Bear Fight

I just lost the fight. In one corner there is Ugga (all purpose Uncle, me) and in the other corner there is Poopoo (The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh). Result: I am in the basement blogging and my nephew is upstairs watching the movie.

Pictures to follow in the next week.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

I think I will buy a Playstation 3 with all the accessories

Buy me one of these:

That is all.

Review of Casino Royale

My review of Casino Royale is up. It isn't the best review ever, but please check it out. I have accepted that I will never be close to the Onion without film school, but I still think my opinion carries weight.

In my mind.

Also, this review would have been up last Friday morning because I saw an early screening (yeah, I have access) but there were unforeseen technical issues.

Probably resulting from an overload of pr0n on my ISP.

Monday, November 20, 2006


Thanks to AG, I stopped by the old nemesis' place and a learned that SeanS is bowing our of bloggingrepeating lies and deceptions of the Republican National Agenda.

I might feel a sense of accomplishment if I gave a shit.

My verification for publishing this post was: xenbj.

Monday Mostalgia

Just a couple things are bringing me down today, new things, not just the whole fucking state of the world.

Lego is downsizing and moving the company's manufacturing jobs from Denmark to Mexico and the Czech Republic.

The Transformers movie is 20 years old. The 20th anniversary DVD is pretty good, we have it at my moonlight video. I read a guy's signature on some forum that said:

"I don't understand why people will kill for their religion but if Optimus Prime told me to kill someone, that man is going down."

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Weekly World Music: Wednesday Edition

Canasta - Slow Down Chicago

I really enjoy this song and the rest of the album, too. I had to go to fairly deep lengths (is that even appropriate) to get it, but it has been worth it.

The Police - Hole in My Life

Still like the earlier stuff. The later stuff is nice, but I like to space it out a bit more.

Lily Allen - Alfie

teh l4m3 owes me about 12 dollars and a ticket to Europe. I bought Lily Allen's album in Heathrow airport in early October. I told you before, I go to deep lengths to get music I like.

Johnny Cash - I'm Leaving Now

As a matter of fact, I am also leaving now. For lunch.

Arne Brun - Rubber & Soul

Downloaded from one of fulsome's free music from review sites links. Not bad, I don't know quite how I feel about it at work. Work tends to mitigate a lot of coolness and enjoyment. I also can't locate a decent link, maybe I should learn to googler better.

Caribou - Pelican Narrows

RIPPED! from fulsome's collection.

Caribou - Barnowl

RIPPED! ditto.

Paul Oakenfold - Harder They Come

Yeah, I bought this album, so what?

Johnny Cash - The Man Comes Around

From The Legend of Cash. Great song. Great collection. Just for the record, I was into Johnny Cash well before it was cool.

Benni Hemm Hemm - Sweaty in the Sunshine

Again from a music review site, like porn I sort of just download everything and never delete anything. I wouldn't delete this, I'm just saying. Why can't I stop talking about porn?

Weather on the Internet

Today's Forecast:
A heavy coating of Spam is expected before Noon.
A high probability of silly coworker computer problems are expected to develop by three.
Today is a Mild risk of Work Related Annoyance, due to one of three bosses being out of town.
Be on the lookout for a thick front of slacking moving in from the west later this week, could make work a bit troubling.

That's the latest and have a good rest of the day.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Some Thoughts on Forms

Specifically, the female form.

Philosophy classes in college were awesome. I learned a great deal about a bunch of people's ideas for the unanswerable and learned some great new questions. The whole discussion of monads and stuff was awesome. In particular, I could sit there daydreaming about certain monads and it was totally on target. For instance, I could sit there assembling an attempt at the monad of woman and who would say that I was not working through the theorems? I was just working in a slightly different context, but the questions were dead on topic.

Questions like:
Is the female form a single monad or a bunch of monads?
Is there a monad of boobs?
What about faces?
These are all ideas and separate but to put together a human, you have to have all these other parts and a human can not exist without a head or a face. Are these really separate monads or are they dependent on the first concept of a human/person?
Is not Bettie Page the monad of HOTT?

These are the things I would think about in certain philosophical discussions while my brain would multi-task. I was paying attention while I was daydreaming because I am that good.

So anyway, I was watching The Notorious Bettie Page last night and it was a pretty damn good movie. Gretchen Mol does a fine job and her supporting cast is pretty neat as well. And goddam if she isn't just a spitting image of the lovely pin-up queen. Anyway, AG can eat it because I know will hate this post, but that is because she is a self hating woman who is afraid of nudity. SSDHPPBPHHPBBTHTTT!

That is the onomatopeia of a raspberry.

I read Playboy and I also look at it and I am not embarassed to admit this, as recent Pork Snorkelers found out. I could lie, but I don't really see the point. Anybody that is going to be flustered by this admission and get all huffy (AG) is going to get all huffy with me anyway. Anyone who understands why a man like me can freely admit that and not be all ashamed knows exactly what I am saying.

Hell, all the hardware problems I have encountered in the last two days are a direct result of all the porn on my computer. I freely admit that I have too much, but only too much in that it intereferes with other programs by preventing me from installing new games. I am undergoing a purge of quite a bit of these files because I don't need them anymore.

I don't think I ever needed them, I do know a thing or two about meeting RL women, but porn has a certain simplicity. This same simplicity is both attractive and boring. Thus, I pare down the collection. If this choice is between porn and a living woman, I am not so messed up that I would even have to debate that internally. I am just as pervy as the average guy out there, but I don't think I have an average approach to porn.

I am rambling here, but the main point is that The Notorious Bettie Page is a worthwhile movie to watch. And not at 4x speed followed by several quick reverse and slow commands with your dvd player's remote.

Please Note: In the interests of everyone's job status = not fired, I have not included any pictures with this post.

Command Message from Moonbase 2: Resume Blogging




Heeerrrrmmmmmm.....Bloggo System Power Status: Green

Genius Status: Caffienated

Genius Processing Power: 99.999999% Capacity

Set Genius Status = Green

Wang Diagnostic: Pre-Ready State

Pelvic Motivators: Full Thrust Available

Set Wang Status = Green

All Systems Report Ready for Bloggo

Monday, November 06, 2006

While We Are On The Subject: Steve Zahn?

What the hell happend to Steve Zahn? Where did you go buddy? He fell off the face of the freaking planet, man!

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Oh nos and oh wells

I am a massive putz in addition to being massively wanged. I missed the DC voter registration deadline.

It doesn't really matter because I have no voting Representative in the House nor Senate. Eleanor Holmes Norton will be reelected without me and will continue to be sidelined and ignored by Congress, just like most of the residents of the District.

Monday, October 30, 2006

Returning to Previously Established Baseline: UPDATED AND EXPLAINED

Pretty much sums up my professional and personal life right now.

Let me tell you that unemployment sucks because Fridays and Saturdays completely lose their meaning.

There is no joy in life like 4:44 PM Friday afternoon.

There is no peace in life like a slow walk in the sunshine on Sunday.

Unemployment robs both of these moments of all satisfaction.

UPDATE AND EXPLANATION: I will not be fired from my night job because I attacked the problems at the store in a manner that resulted in those problems being addressed without my termination. So that's nice and I was pretty sick of inhaling formaldehyde fumes.

In regards to my day job, my boss is insisting I work overtime. I have refused and will continue to do so on the basis that I am not paid for it. The secondary reason I am refusing is that this boss never works a minute of overtime, regardless of the crisis. The tertiary reason is that I am paid to work night hours at another job. The overboss at my dayjob is famous for firing everyone who asks for a raise. Even award winning contributors that have consistently drawn attention and publicity to our magazine. They only pay me for 7 hours a day and they will only get 7 hours a day. This will cause some friction and my boss will attempt to use this as another lever to remove me. Of course, every time he has tried this in the past, he has failed as has every attempt of his to blame me for all his fuckups. You can see how this might be a sticking point.

Solvency is overrated.

South Park Brings Me Down

This is the tenth season of South Park. I was but a wee freshman when the internets showed me two short clips of foul mouthed children and Santa battling Jesus.

Now, I am an older, wiser?, bitterer man. Ten fucking years? Where did they go?

Down the fucking drain.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Vlad is dead and I weigh 20 pounds more than I did three weeks ago

In regards to the first part of the title, independent contractors can be more efficient than the US government at times.

In regards to the second part of the title, I blame all the vyprazny cyr.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Still Alive, Despite the Attempts on My Life

I am back on the North American continent but am currently blogging from an undisclosed location due to recent attempts on my life. Please don't worry, my mind and my wang are still intact and quite healthy.

As soon as the authorities clear me and deal with Vlad, I will resume my regularly scheduled blogging.

Once again, I am alive and well and Vlad is fucking going down, so please stop worrying.

Monday, October 09, 2006

New Terms:

TUSUOV: The Urine Soaked U-Bahn of Vienna

TEUSSP: The Equine Urine Soaked StephansPlatz

EDIT: TUSUBOV. The Urine Soaked Unter Bahn of Vienna.

New Terms:

TUSUOV: The Urine Soaked U-Bahn of Vienna

TEUSSP: The Equine Urine Soaked StephansPlatz

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Austrian Kezboards Are Weird

I am blogging from an internet cafe in Vienna. I having a flipping blast and have managed to avoid anz international incidents. Although, I am about to launch a land war in Asia with this damn kezboard. A few letters have been switched and the wrath is rising.

Anzwaz, I hope everbodz is being a good little cobag and can survive without me.

Friday, October 06, 2006

In Other News, The Foley Scandal Keeps Getting Thicker...LIKE A WANG!

Regarding House Speaker Dennis Hastert, "He really ought not be a sacrificial lamb," former Secretary of State James Baker III said Friday. "Hastert is just not a sacrificial lamb kinda guy. Have you seen a picture of him lately? Sacrificial boar, maybe."

Hastert vowed not to resign over his office's handling of the scandal — "I haven't done anything wrong," he said — but it has cost Republicans in public opinion polls. "I mean, I wasn't the one sexually harassing pages via the network of tubes. Hee hee. I mean, come on people, all I did was hold the revelation of this harassment for a year or so. Besides, I've survived the fallout from the Lewinsky bullshit and so far have weathered the mild breeze of scorn in regards to Congress complete lack of endorsement of any pre-9/11 counter terrorism actions. What are you going to do, vote me out? Ha ha." House Speaker Hastert then held out his hand with his fingers outstretched and his thumb touching his nose and made a "nyah, nyah, nyah" noise.

"If they throw Denny Hastert off the sled to slow down the wolves, it won't be long before you'll be crying, 'Hey, you've got to throw somebody else over because they knew about it too,'" Baker said. "And really, Denny is frigging huge, you might as well leave him on the sled and just get off and run anyway." The tone of the party has greatly changed in the last few days as Republican'ts realized that the Democratic Party likely wouldn't be able to pull a single head out of a single ass to really take advantage of another instance of corruption and complete moral bankruptcy. Baker also added, "Besides if we were to vilify and remove everyone in Congress that was involved in this scandal and behave that way in regards to other scandals, jeez, that would make us accountable for our actions and why would we want that?" Baker then unbuckled his pants, reversed facing and showed his exposed buttocks to the press.

"Could we have done it better? Could the page board have handled it better? In retrospect, probably yes," Hastert said. "But at the time what we knew and what we acted upon was what we had. Besides, come on, there are no damn faggots or pederasts in the Republican't party! We are the party of morals and values and all that crap. You can trust us, sweetcheeks. Oh yeah, I am talking to you in the powder blue up front, you should schedule an interview with me later." Dennis Hastert then nudged a compatriot with his elbow and pointed at the female reporter he had mentioned and made a gesture with both hands in the form of an hourglass.

Thank you all and I sincerely apologize to the AP and Yahoo news.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

A Memo to Condoleeza Rice: That word does not mean what you think it means

It is a good thing that I am currently immersed in work and must maintain a thin veneer of civility and dignity because shit is just killing me. KILLING ME.

We have another goddam school shooting. I think we should put Kip Hawley in charge of our nation's school security. I guess influential people don't take my advice, go figure.

In other news, Condoleeza Rice is a fucking liar but she swears she is telling the truth this time. Let's run a quick analysis here: Rice lied to the world about the WMDs and the (now admitted) completely false connection between Iraq and Al Qaeda. She lied to the 9/11 Commission about the information given to her and the rest of the administration about the threat posed by Al Qaeda. Dick Clarke tried to warn her. Clinton tried to warn her. Everybody from Clinton's administration did everything they could to prevent 9/11 and Rice waved them away and dismissed their advice. Fucking Classic. Now we have a tailor made NeoCon paradise and Halliburton shares are doing great and Cheney is shooting people in the face and overflowing the tank on his Prius with gas and Bush has police state and executive powers unmatched in the history of the United States. But, honestly, this time Rice is not lying when she says she listened to Tenet's warnings about the imminent attack.

For students of Nixon's administration or even those of us who have read books and seen movies about it, this is the non-denial denial. A few links turn up some very odd language:

"The information presented at this meeting was not new," Cooper said. NO FUCKING SHIT, DUMBASS. Tenet was trying to reiterate a threat that had previously been dismissed. This is a perfect example of the non-denial denial. She is not specifically denying the allegations that she ignored a threat.

"...that his boss had said repeatedly she could not specifically recall. She had said earlier that there were virtually daily meetings at the time." Christ on a crutch, I guess it might be too much trouble to ask your staff to keep track of this shit for you. Oh, wait, that's right, THEY FUCKING DID. You had the meeting and now claim that nothing new was brought to it. Well, if a couple people are in agreement that you are ignoring a piece of information, they may restate that information and then ask you to do something about it. They may even call for a special meeting and get vocal about it.

"What I'm quite certain of, is that it was not a meeting in which I was told that there was an impending attack and I refused to respond," she said.
Parsing words is fun, isn't it? Blowing off a bunch of experts is a response. Telling them to fuck off and shut up is also a response.

Ms. Rice, the national security adviser at the time, said it was “incomprehensible” she ignored dire terrorist threats two months before the Sept. 11 attacks. The word you are looking for is inconceivable. Incomprehensible is not appropriate here unless Tenet were to have said something like "dark is the suede that mows like a harvest." Now that is incomprehensible.

Friday, September 29, 2006

Notorious W.A.N.G.

Blame me for the lame ass Senatorial Non-filibuster by Democratic Senators. I e-mailed the two Senators from Maryland because a prior girlfriend told me they read those and tabulate the responses. I should have called every single Senator's office and let them have a taste of my wrath.

Mea culpa, the bill is all my fault. MY BAD.

To make a segue like no other, I am also pretty fucking sick of another phenomenom that seems strictly limited to Iraq, Afghanistan and America:


This shit is just fucking killing me. If we examine this situation with the logic of George Fucking Bush, there were no school shootings before there was a Republican't controlled Congress. Therefore, we can lay sole blame for these shootings on the feet of the Republican't party.

This style argument is ridiculously obscene. I am taking the oppurtunity of the shooting in Colorado to make a point about Bush's style of bullshit justification for the horrible mess in Iraq. The school shootings aren't really the fault of Congress and Iraq is Bush's responsibility to clean up. I beat that fucker never cleaned up his own room as a child and we know he sure as shit smells won't clean up Iraq.

Anyway, the point is that the security of our schools suck and so does the funding of that system.

Maybe I'll see you all next week, but don't get your wangs up.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Sorry About the Lack of Wang

Listen up gentle, enormous wangless peeps, I am making the standard excuses for my blogging absence: appropriately enormous demands on my wang, crunch time at work, massive blunt head trauma, extreme exhaustion due to organizational demands of Chuckles' World Wide Wang Tour: Eurotrash Edition 2006, stupendous amounts of free internet porn, a complete lack of respect for the law, and a dearth of imagination brought on by World of Fucking Warcraft.

I will continue to blog when I can, but I will not be in full effect until November. I shit you not, but I am actually going on a goddam tour of Europe because I am big in Eastern Europe. Let's be honest, I am fucking huge anywhere and anyway, but I am especially well loved in Austria, Czech Republic, Slovakia, Moldova, Romania, Bulgaria, Molvania, and Ulaan Baatar.

Two of these things are not like the other. Art majors please explain in the form of analytical quadratic eliptical equation. Math majors please explain in the form of dialectic symphonic bicuspid pentameter.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Not Bad, You?

Oh, Senator Frist, you are so mercilessly free of the ravages of intellect, decency and morality.

You fuckers all better know what movie I am butchering here.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

You Know Those People?

You know those people? Those people who do those things? At this point in the paragraph, AG is probably running down the massive fucking list in her head of those people. Anywizzles.

My office has about two square feet of yard that they went and had landscaped and now they have a crew come along twice a month and remove the weeds from the cracks in the pavement. The leader of this crew is one of those people. If you say hi and then ask how's it going in the manner that is requesting a really snappy and quick response, you get a full goddam medical history. Dude, it is the middle of the freaking week of all fucking weeks and I don't want to hear how some stupid cavities you got from eating too many mallomars in junior high school in the frigging 19th century are now acting up because of the state of your damn bleeding gums and the lack of dental hygiene and/or knowledge on behalf of your general practitioner.

Just clam the fuck up and say, "Not too bad, yourself?" and then get the fuck out of my office. I got some work/blogging to do.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

The Difference

I have watched Ang Lee's Ride With The Devil many times. I love that movie. Tobey Maguire, Skeet Ulrich, Simon Baker and Jeffrey Wright are Confederate partisans running around fighting in the Civil War. At one point in the movie, a Confederate man is explaining why he thinks the South will lose the war. To paraphrase, he was up in Lawrence, Kansas while the town was being built and he saw that the school had been built before the church. The people of Lawrence were educating their children in their lifestyle before their education in religion. The Confederate saw the war as one of ideals, a war that the North was fighting to push their interpretation of America on the South, while the South was merely fighting to keep their lifestyle. The South didn't need to enforce its lifestyle on the North.

I do not sympathize with the South at all, but I do identify with this interpretation as an excellent example of our struggles today. As a liberal, I do not want to tell anyone else how to live their life. It is a fundamental principle of my beliefs. I will not dictate to anyone except my children, should I ever get so lucky as to have any.

When I read jackasses like Coach Dave at Sadly, No!, I want to stop them from dictating lifestyles to other people. I want to remind them all of the basic American freedom that they are twisting to their own purpose. Does that make me any better than them? Am I not forcing my ideals of tolerance on another person unfairly? Should Coach Dave not be allowed to live the life he wants to live?

I lose sleep over assholes like this guy.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

My Viewing Pleasure

I have been watching a lot of movies and TV in between bouts of productivity. This weekend, I mainlined Battlestar Galactica. I watched pretty much every episode of Season 2.5 and all the deleted scenes. I even watched some of the video blogs. I also watched the BSG miniseries, Lost Horizon (the restored version) and Cemetary Man.

That's it for me for now, but I should have home internets Wednesday evening, so expect me to resume the high functioning autistic inanity.

Monday, September 18, 2006

NPR Really Lowers the Bar Sometimes

I was listening to NPR this morning, like I do every morning that I am not watching advance copies of Battlestar Galactica season 2.5, and they had a lovely little piece of fiction about the drop in gas prices. I have searched the site and it isn't posted as a separate story yet, but they have a few others. This one from Sept. 13, for example.

I generally like NPR. On 88.5 WAMU, they play The Big Broadcast on Sunday nights. I also enjoy Prairie Home Companion, This American Life, Car Talk, Fresh Air, Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me and sometimes even Whaddaya Know? If I had disposable income, I would dispose of some of it in WAMU's direction. However, this piece on gas prices this morning had me fuming.

The piece meandered around talking about how people haven't been getting kicked in the choad by the high price of gas in the last week. Apparently, people are saving so much money at the pump with the forty cent drop that everyone is sleeping on mattresses made of fucking gold. The narrator had the nerve to say that this was going to offest our economic recession due to the failing housing market because people are going to spend this money on other goods. They then askeda gas station cashier how sales were. She said things are fine. People are spending less money on gas but more money on candy and soda. HOORAY! The depression has lifted thanks to the 50 cent candybar!

Not once did the piece mention seasonal drops in gas prices. When discussing the reasons for the drop, the narrator claimed that last week we were all worrying about the housing market, the war on terror, Iraq and all that other stuff, but now we arent' and gas prices are down! He did not specifically state that because we had stopped being such a bunch of nervous nancies gas prices had fallen, but he sure implied it. As long as we don't dwell on how badly the Republican't War Machine (Congress and the Administration) are screwing up, gas prices will fall and salad days will come again!

Great job guys, great fucking job.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Two Videos

Keith Olbermann rocking everyone's world:

Keith O punches Ann in the Adam's Apple:

Monday, September 11, 2006

This Should Be Lame But Celebrated By Wingnuts UPDATED!

From A to Z: Conservative Comebacks to Liberal Lies
This is going to be a bit long winded, so I apologize in advance.

A is for Abortion: A woman’s right to choose murder?
Only if you have the mistaken belief that life begins at conception, which it doesn't.

B is for Bill Clinton: Sex, lies, and blind devotees
And the prosperity and peace we all enjoyed as a nation while he was President.

C is for Church and State: What our Constitution says about religion
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

D is for Democrats: Why they’re usually wrong about everything
Except the economy, taxes, foreign policy, and defense. Did I forget anything?

E is for Economics: Why it really is about the economy, stupid!

F is for Females: Which group really supports them?
The party that wants them to go home and have a nice day raising the kids and minding the house and WHERE THE FUCK IS MY MARTINI, WOMAN!?

G is for Gun Control: Why we have the Second Amendment
A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed. What part of well-regulated do you not understand?

H is for Health Care: Do you really want national 80 percent taxation?
Do you really want to see the doctor? Why don't you just go back to your check out counter and tough it out?

I is for Independent Israel: Why we need to support the only Middle Eastern democracy
AG can field this one.

J is for Justice: Why criminals need discipline
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the state and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense.

K is for Kids: The leftist indoctrination of our children
With kooky ideas like evolution, science, medicine, mathematics, etc.

L is for Liberal Media: Agenda, agenda, agenda
Which can be found Where The Wild Things Are.

M is for Mega-Watt Energy: Oil, tree huggers and environmental yappers
Global has been conclusively proven false a coalition of therapist, psychologists, dentists and Michael Chricton.

N is for 9/11 Attacks: A new kind of war
And whole new ways to lose it.

O is for Operation Iraqi Freedom: Why we had to fight this war
We just had too many bombs sitting around not maiming anybody.

P is for President George W. Bush: The man for the hour
The man loves his Jerry Brickheimer movies and figured that Operation: Shock and Awe would be even better.

Q is for Queer Eye for Same-Sex Marriage: Why the family is in jeopardy
Man, I watched Brokeback Mountain yesterday and before I knew what was happening, I was banging the shit out of my neighbor, Carl. And just last week I was on a date with a pretty girl! Them queers and their insidious agenda have converted me.

R is for Race-Based Preferences: What’s wrong with affirmative action
What's wrong with discrimination?

S is for Social Security: How to fix it
Congress is not going to be returning the money that was borrowed, that's for sure.

T is for Taxes: Cut your way to financial freedom
Because rich people don't need any social programs and if you believe this book, you better be rich.

U is for the United States: What makes us great
Invading sovereign nations without provocation or evidence. And our hot dog eating contests.

V is for Vouchers and Public Schools: How we can fix education
If we destroy the system, then it won't be broken anymore!

W is for Welfare: What’s wrong with it
The mere fact that it exists is enough for some.

X is for Xenophobia: Why illegal immigration is hurting us
These damn immigrants are taking jobs are teenagers haven't wanted to do for years!

Y is for Yankee Doodle Founding Fathers: They really got it right
But I have never read anything they wrote.

Z is for Zealot Terrorists: How we can fight them
We have met the enemy and their zeal is strangely appealing.

UPDATE: Clif knocks two solid home runs over the fence. Clif's first post and then his second.

World Air Guitar Championship Not Won By Hot Lixx Houlihan

The Winner:

In other news, check out Thursday's Late Night with Conan O'Brien. Bjorn Turoque will be on and it will be awesome. Hopefully, I will be able to watch this somewhere. Maybe I will meet a new Chucklette with tv reception. Maybe I'll hook up my damn bunny ears and get my own reception.

Bjorn's 2005 performance:

Hypocrites and National Parks: Not Necessarily Related

Yesterday, I took a walk and got pissed off. I walked by five people who were letting their nine dogs walk free and unleashed in a national park. This particular trail smelled like dogshit for its entire length. I nearly stepped in two turds and saw at least five before I stopped counting. There are signs at every entry point to this park detailing the regulations: no bikes, no unleashed pets, no littering. I did my civic duty and reminded each one of these selfish jackasses of the leash regs. I got a few "Thanks for reminding me." I responded with a "Thanks for breaking the law!" This shit pisses me off. The whole fucking trail smelled like dogshit. We have dog parks in DC for fucking reason. Take your fucking furry shit producers and let them defecate all over the dog park. Keep them on the fucking leash and clean up after them in the park, bitches.

I also walked by a synagogue displaying a Call to Conscience banner. Next to that banner was one that read "We support Israel in its struggle for peace and security." No contradiction there.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Friday Photo Assay

This is my nephew. He can walk and point at stuff. Clearly, he will grow up to be a freaking genius like his uncle. And his parents.

This is a vile minion of the sink lettuce. You can tell from the greenish tint on the hair. AND BY THE ENORMOUS BRAIN LETTUCE ATTACHED TO THE HEAD!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday Rim Shots

Wasn't this show great? I hear the Fall Guy is making a HUGE come back, though.

Rim shot.

The Senate Iraq intelligence report will apparently reveal that this word is not in the dictionary.

Rim shot.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

It is Thursday September 7 and our President has admitted to breaking international law.

The front page of today's print edition of the New York Times has a story about Bush's speech to 200 people stating that he fully authorized the CIA secret prison program in which the CIA tortured the captives. Regardless of the supposedly vital nature of the program, it is a clear violation on international law. Torture is illegal.

There are levels to our laws; county ordnances, state/province laws, federal laws, international law. International law specifically outlaws torture. Bush may call it aggressive interrogation all he wants, but he broke the law by authorizing it. This was absolutely illegal. Bush has tried to claim that as President, he is the sole interpreter of the Constitution and the laws of our country. He is absolutely wrong in this statement. I sincerely hope Bush is arrested and brought to trial the day our next president is inaugurated.

So, it is Thursday September 7, 2006 and our President has admitted to breaking international law. I am fine, how are you?

Doonesbury Makes Me Unhappy Inside


Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Gone with the Blastwave

In the continuing saga that is my kingmaking of other people's artwork, Gone with the Blastwave is pretty good. I suggest everyone go read it while I procrastinate some more.

Sometimes the comedy writes itself

In a victory for the Cosmo and Valium party, Katherine Harris has won the nomination for Florida's Senate seat. Now all she has to do is beat an entrenched Democratic Senator. And not go insane too much for the next two months. After the election, she may revert to her regular levels of freaking nutz.

I think that publicly funded privately owned sports teams are stupid. Many of the nicknames for these teams are even dumberer. The Boston Red Sox was shortened to the BoSox for the feed in my gmail. After this news matter collided with the shields in my brain, I learned two things from the analysis of the particle trails and disintegration. One: I should really ignore the news feed in my inbox since I can't be bothered to shut it off. Two: The people who make nicknames for sports teams are dumb. Getting a BoSox injection is fertile ground for comedy. If anyone were to ever refer to the Red Sox as the BoSox in conversation, I hope his/her friends would mercilessly abuse her/him.

Monday, September 04, 2006

HOLY SHIT. Steve Irwin, Rest in Peace

Steve Irwin is dead. Long live the Croc Hunter.

I loved his show. The guy was freaking nutz and stuff, but he loved animals and conservation. What a guy.

Was fur ein mensch.

Friday, September 01, 2006

Re: Oh, and Another Thing from 3Bullsia

Tori Spelling may suck all the fun out of everything including wangs, but this movie looks to have it just about right. God damned Scandanavians always kick ass where you don't expect it, eh Stephen King?

Will this shit ever be true?

I was reading Playboy the other day. It has some interesting articles and an interview with Michael Brown, you know Brownie from everywhere. Anyway, so I am of course reading the "Centerfolds on Sex" part first because fiction interests me. The one answering questions was giving advice to just 'walk up and call a woman beautiful and ask her to dinner'. How does that not sound crazy?

Example: See an attractive person on the bus or wherever and then march right up and say that. This seems like a tactic designed to get a person arrested for hassling people.

I guess it might work if you establish some kind of noticing situation before being bold. Maybe that is just how shit works.

And maybe the "Centerfolds on Sex" section is actually written by other people and just sort of approved by the women.

And what the hell is with their models for the last ten years? Fakies are not cool. Ever.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Once Again The Genius Asks, Is It Just Me?

Is it just me or is Lady Sovereign the Britney Spears of rap? Perhaps Avril Lavigne might be a better connection. I was listening to Love Me or Hate Me and I was thinking that it is fun but will it still be fun in 6 months? It isn't whiny teen wangst, but still.

Incidentally, I think wangst may be the single best contribution I make to the English language and I would bet some gruntmuffin out there thinks they made it up.

Note to AG: Look up there. I said they instead of he or she. Clearly, I am not sexist.

Monday, August 28, 2006

NEWSFLASH! Women are different!

I conferred with three sources this weekend and I have learned some things that others should also know.

1: Women are not men. This may seem obvious upon first sight from the beautiful bolus of breastisses and the overall body shape, but it is sometimes not immediately noticed that women are different in other ways as well. They are different in their minds!

2: Women like hugs. This is strange and odd. It is believed that this is related to the above note on women being different in their minds, but more research is needed. Fund me, NIH!

3: Women do not like certain types of jokes. This may be a singular and non-universal trait specifically related to the researcher. More research is needed.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

The Race for the Ward 3 Council Seat Heats Up!

I was walking back to work tonight and I spotted a blonde woman (AG?) dressed in black sweats ripping down signs for Marie Cheh (I think that is spelled correctly). These are blue with white lettering and I saw a few of them in a trash can the other day. This race is getting pretty dirty. I don't know anything about the candidates but I am not voting for anyone that voted for the fucking Nationals' stadium. If the council can vote for a special tax to build a motherfucking baseball stadium, then they can enact a tax to fix the crumbling DC Public School infrastructure (I am not exagerrating this, the schools are literally falling apart). Or the massive lead problem in the drinking water. Or the sewer system that routinely dumps raw sewage into the Anacostia and Potomac rivers. Or the public libraries that are temporarily being shut down for the forseeable future.

Anyway, I have the plates and a description of the car in case it is illegal to remove signs. I was walking right past her car as she drove away. I could probably (95%) identify her in a line up.

UPDATE OF THE SLIGHTLY LESS THAN NEWSWORTHY TYPE: I saw one of the Marie Cheh posters yesterday. It had been vandalized with a PART TIME sticker slapped on the big Cheh. Given the size of the sticker, it won't be legible to the people that drive by on Redacted Avenue. How Rovian, if Rove were 6 years old again.

Monday, August 21, 2006

The Descent: Alternate Endings

Yeah, umm, ok. YouTube has the original ending for The Descent. So do I. Don't watch it unless you like spoilers. It is not a huge spoil, though.

My imagined endings were far worse.
Scenario 1: It starts with the close up on Sarah's eyes in the torchlight, pretty much the same as the one above but she shudders a bit and then the camera moves out and we see that she is being eaten.
Scenario 2: She joins the gribblies in their subterranean existence.
Scenario 3: She joins the gribblies in their subterranean existence and we see that she is pregnant.

There has been some chatter about this movie on several forums, just check out Google. If I were forced at gun point to make remakes of movies, I would probably prefer death. That is just how I am. I might choose to rewrite this script without the gribblies and make it more a study of the insanities and relationships in the group. I wonder if you could make a horror movie without a monster. The Blair Witch was brilliant in this way. I would really like to see a movie or your recommendations that has no monsters at all. Kontroll had a similar plot line in that you were never really certain that the villian existed outside of the mind of the protagonist. There was also the thriller(horror?) The Hole, but that had more of a drama feel. I want a palpable menace and a paucity of monsters.


Everybody, it has occured to me that I may not have been clear enough in an earlier post. I did not write that poem about lost Carcosa. I was reading some stuff in Wikipedia about the various authors who contributed to the various story cycles made famous by Lovecraft and I read that poem and it inspired me to get back to work on some old projects. Once again, I did not write that poem.

I write really abysmal poetry about food. That is the only poetry I am willing to attempt.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Thursday Theft

Ted Rall's point is well made, but my opinion is that people think about Iraq a lot but on entirely the wrong topic. On the internet and in real life, the people I know give a shit and want to make real changes in the situation. Maybe we don't have great ideas but we know that the current course is suboptimal. Yadda yadda yadda, right?

Tomorrow is Friday and I will be looking for some professional wingnut to shred.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Call me lame (l4m3?) all you want but I'm inspired

Along the shore the cloud waves break,
The twin suns sink beneath the lake,
The shadows lengthen

In Carcosa.

Strange is the night where black stars rise,
And strange moons circle through the skies
But stranger still is

Lost Carcosa.

Songs that the Hyades shall sing,
Where flap the tatters of the King,
Must die unheard in

Dim Carcosa.

Song of my soul, my voice is dead;
Die thou, unsung, as tears unshed
Shall dry and die in

Lost Carcosa.

I am going to get back to my writing.


Tuesday, August 15, 2006


The only thing that keeps me from staying up all night anymore is the fact that my brother of indeterminate number must sleep. He can't sleep if I have the lights on and write and paint all night long. As much as it is nice having him around, I don't want to sleep much lately and all this resting is driving me nuts. Like a wheel on the front of my pants.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Excuse me Sadlynoicans, I'll take Paul Greenberg for all the marbles

Since Covad's email system is down from New Jersy to Virginia, I am taking the morning off to really let fly with my true feelings.

Let me open with a quote, from Greenberg's culvert of effluvia:
Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of the Democratic Party. Because if Tuesday's election returns in Connecticut are any indication, it's taking a well-traveled road - right over a cliff.

I love the Republican't strategy of saying that liberal stances are now far left fringe strategies. This has been working for a long time and been documented by my peers1 but I still get extremely annoyed by it. This is called transference. You are placing your fears onto another party. The Republican'ts have once again lost the public in a lopsided and foolish crusade against an enemy that didn't really exist before we created it. I am referring to the Clinton impeachment. The only problem is that they have fantastic PR. They emerged from a shit storm of bad press smelling like roses. I am worried they will do this again. If we were to look at comparable poll results for Clinton's impeachment versus Bush's, things look pretty bad.2
Think about it: The Dems now have lost two successive presidential elections, they've been unable to break the GOP's hold on Congress that dates back to the watershed congressional elections of 1994, and now they've managed to defeat . . . Joe Lieberman.

I don't want to sound too crazy, but both of those Presidential elections were quite suspect. The 2004 election just shifted the majority of fraud from Florida to Ohio. The list goes on and on and on. These allegations all sicken me because any subversion of the voting process is a blatant disregard for our history and our founding principles as a nation.

But even if he wins, the Democratic Party will have lost its last honest-to-goodness Harry Truman/John F. Kennedy/Scoop Jackson figure. Which would be a pity - and a bad sign for the future. Because when the party loses touch with the peace-through-strength strain of its history, it loses touch with a lot of voters.

I'll take the last part first. "Peace through strength" is fine. Peace through bombing the fuck out of all the brown people in the world and immolating our military in a senseless conflict is our current strategy and it is not working. The voters in Connecticut have declared that they are tired of this strategy and blanket support of the President's murderous policies. A desire to withdraw from the foolish and insane war in Iraq does not mean that we are soft on defense. It means exactly the opposite. The National Guard units will be brought home to do exactly what their name implies. Guard the Nation.

Talk abut retro, it's hard to read the news today without feeling intimations of the 1930s.

I agree with this statement but not with his sentiment. It is indeed hard to read the news without being reminded of the incidents in the 1930s and 1940s. The loonies calling for the genocidal nuking of Iran or Bill O'Reilly advocating Saddam style government.

Ned Lamont, now the official Democratic candidate for the U.S. Senate in Connecticut, reminds editor Peretz of the fatal charm George McGovern exerted over his party back in 1972, when another divisive war was raging in Vietnam.

You opened the door and I am now inviting in the ghosts of those incidents. McGovern was ratfucked out of the election by another group of people committed to election fraud. The times they aren't a changing. Is Greenberg suggesting Lamont is going to be ratfucked by the Connecticut GOP? Maybe not, but I wouldn't be surprised if that did happen. For more information, check out the book and movie version of All the President's Men. However, I will be accurate and say that I seriously doubt Greenberg would have anything to do with that beyond making crap up on his website. Oh and about Vietnam? That was a bad idea then and a great analogy now.
Well, we'll see. There are no sure things in politics. But it's clear to some of us that Lamontism is just McGovernism redux. Call it the New Isolationism. It might even be successful at the polls this time out. The old one was - till Dec. 7, 1941. Still, I can't think of a better way to enhance Republican chances in 2008 than to remodel the Democratic Party in the image of George McGovern. (Think how well a McCain-Giuliani ticket might do against a Ned Lamont type atop the Democratic ticket.)

Isolationist? I guess Greenberg hasn't read Lamont's website:
At this critical time in the Middle East, I believe that when Israel’s security is threatened, the United States must unambiguously stand with our ally to be sure that it is safe and secure. On this principle, Americans are united.

That just upgraded Greenberg from cobag to chunderloaf eating gruntmuffin.3

Let's hope it doesn't come to that. Because what's bad for the Democratic Party has a way of being bad for the country. When one of the two parties in a two-party system gets taken over by its True Believers, the balance that the system is supposed to provide is threatened. Which is why now is the time for all good men - and women - to come to the aid of the party.

I almost spit my drink all over my desk. If we take this entire paragraph out of its context, Greenberg is totally right. When the Democratic Party was kicked to the curb in 2000, our country went to shit. Further back, when the religious talibangelicals4 took over the Republican't Party, the balance in the system was ruined. Now our entire system of checks and balances is under assault. All good people should rush to the defense of the Democratic Party and vote for more people like Lamont and get our country back on a balanced walk of progress, instead of this danse macabre.

Greenberg ends his column with an extremely dignified cheap shot at Representative McKinney of Georgia, the Republican'ts' favorite punching bag. After all, she's black, female and pissed off at Bush. What don't they like about her?

1 By peers, I really mean those bloggers and writers who posses skills far superior to mine.
2 I don't know much about the quality of either poll and I encourage my reader to investigate it. Ipsos' web site, whose poll was cited by AfterDowningStreet.
3 I like gruntmuffin. I just invented it. Well, not completely, Pinko Punko gets the credit for the muffin part. But the grunt is all mine.
4 Clif's word. I love it. How does he get his site to the top of the Google search?

In which I bring out the big guns for dandrobium

I was listening to NPR this morning and I heard something interesting. Well, I hear something interesting everytime I listen to NPR, but this was particularly interesting. Tony Blair was decribed as "abysmally unpopular" if I remember correctly. The first five hits in a Google search for "Tony Blair's approval ratings" are this, this, this, this and this. If we look at the dates on these links, they are all over the place. I refined my search to 2006. We get an undated collection of polls from YouGov, a website that is new to me and another report from March 2, 2006 placing Blair's popularity at 28%. The Washington (a website I read with trepidation) claims that Bush and Blair are two peas in a pod that is headed for the bottom of the ocean of approval ratings. We have reached the main point of this linky paragraph. At what point does referring to approval ratings below fifty percent become inane? Shouldn't an honest reporter start calling them disapproval ratings? Wouldn't it be far more accurate to say that the UK's Prime Minister has a disapproval rating close to seventy percent? For that matter, if Tony Blair has "abysmal" ratings at 28%, why aren't Bush's ratings similar described? Instead of calling them bad or poor, shouldn't we be calling him one of the most reviled Presidents in the history of our fair nation?

You may have noticed that I am just linking to everything that shows up on the first page of a Google search. The reason is that the internets are a series of tubes and by screwing around with crap you can find a whole mess of supporting arguments, if you want. I don't want to do that. I like the internet the way it is and will fight to defend it. I did link to FAUX News and did so to show that I am all about arguments and countering them.

For my next piece of internet investigation, I was walking around my neighborhood yesterday and I remembered a couple of intriguing news stories. There is a connection that I find compelling and I haven't seen anywhere else. I would be extremely surprised if no one else has noticed this and, quite frankly, extremely disappointed if I am the first person to notice it.

Do you all remember the story of the stockpile of seized ammunition in Iraq was lost? My Google search is here. Artillery shells and explosives were stolen out from under our noses in Iraq. There were fears that these were stolen in order to make nuclear weapons. I thought that was ridiculous. A bunch of Madhi army(or whoever) guys are not going to steal munitions and sit on them in the hopes that some day some one might deliver them some fissile material and that they will also be delivered the expertise to make a fissionable bomb. The perps did the most sensible and useful thing with the explosives they could. They made IEDs with it. I should note that I HAVE NO PROOF OF THE VERACITY OF MY CLAIM. I only have news reports that describe IEDs as artillery shells and high explosives. While we are all running around screaming about nuclear, chemical and biological weapons, the fighters in the Iraqi Civil War are being quite effective at turning ammunition similar to what was stolen into cheap and easy to use anti-vehicle and anti-personnel booby traps. A Google search for IED returns Global Security, Wikipedia, and MSNBC.

There are a few times when I hate being right all the time.

Update: Perhaps now you understand my holding Washington to be slightly less than thorough. "Responsibltity"? Are they reading GWB's playbook?

Amendment to the Update: I just cruised by the Washington piece and they have fixed it. It is 4:08 by my computer and the last time I checked was around 1 pm.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

How I would like to fall in love (Totally Not Gayyeriffic)

I showed this short in my last job as a projectionist at The Avalon in DC. It is funny and pretty damn close to my anticipated reaction should I ever actually meet someone about whom I felt nuts.

7:35 de la manana

Learning from Experience

Lately, I have been in a little bit of a bind. The usual bind causing shit, you all know what I am writing. No matter what your particular choice of binding material, I am deeply (or shallowly, as the case may be) involved in that shit.

I am now approaching each situation in turn in a way that is most opposite of the way in which I either want to attack or the way in which my instinct (such as it is) directs me to assault. In terms of metaphorical relationships, none of the many and varied problems have any solution set that includes violence in any form but that is the state of metaphors as I use them.

There is one particular situation that could have me blog yelling because of the simple frustrativeness of it all and its sheer stupidity. I see the problem in itself with rosy tinted glasses of incredulity, those lovely specs that frequently cause me to ask how the fuck this all happened. Often times at high speeds as I sail through the air on a collisioin course with hard, asphaltic reality.

fulsome has been a witness to some of these rather spectacular flame outs and he may state from experience. In point of fact, he owns at least three pairs of flame retardant boxers and at least two pairs of asbestos briefs. I will not make any claims as to being the complete and sole source of his need of such garments as I speak only in riddles and metaphors. Suffice to say, he has seen some amazing bridge burnings and also dated some hotties. Take your pick.

I have been rejecting the displacing of predicates and anger of late. I am attempting to polish my style without convultions. I am also trying to avoid killing any particular member of the brothers of indeterminate number who may or may not be staying with me. It is not that we are fighting, so much as I like time alone from the rest of the world to decompress. I could sit still for hours and recenter. I also haven't really worked out for three weeks and that is driving me up the freaking wall.

The cause of said cessation has no migrated into the realm of irreleavancy and tomorrow I resume a full scale war on lipids and their residence in my body. I believe a morning and an evening session at the gym will help alleviate my feelings of claustrophobia and much of the tension in my mind. The tension in my body will have to wait.

I have decided that the problem is not mine for me to solve in reference to the first paragraph. If you have decided on a source of binding material in my life then I have a new solution set. Ignore the fuck out of it. There are certain things in life that require a little headbutting and this just may be one. Some times the direct approach is the only option.

By the way, run out and rent Brick. I'll wait for your thanks later.