Friday, September 29, 2006

Notorious W.A.N.G.

Blame me for the lame ass Senatorial Non-filibuster by Democratic Senators. I e-mailed the two Senators from Maryland because a prior girlfriend told me they read those and tabulate the responses. I should have called every single Senator's office and let them have a taste of my wrath.

Mea culpa, the bill is all my fault. MY BAD.

To make a segue like no other, I am also pretty fucking sick of another phenomenom that seems strictly limited to Iraq, Afghanistan and America:


This shit is just fucking killing me. If we examine this situation with the logic of George Fucking Bush, there were no school shootings before there was a Republican't controlled Congress. Therefore, we can lay sole blame for these shootings on the feet of the Republican't party.

This style argument is ridiculously obscene. I am taking the oppurtunity of the shooting in Colorado to make a point about Bush's style of bullshit justification for the horrible mess in Iraq. The school shootings aren't really the fault of Congress and Iraq is Bush's responsibility to clean up. I beat that fucker never cleaned up his own room as a child and we know he sure as shit smells won't clean up Iraq.

Anyway, the point is that the security of our schools suck and so does the funding of that system.

Maybe I'll see you all next week, but don't get your wangs up.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Sorry About the Lack of Wang

Listen up gentle, enormous wangless peeps, I am making the standard excuses for my blogging absence: appropriately enormous demands on my wang, crunch time at work, massive blunt head trauma, extreme exhaustion due to organizational demands of Chuckles' World Wide Wang Tour: Eurotrash Edition 2006, stupendous amounts of free internet porn, a complete lack of respect for the law, and a dearth of imagination brought on by World of Fucking Warcraft.

I will continue to blog when I can, but I will not be in full effect until November. I shit you not, but I am actually going on a goddam tour of Europe because I am big in Eastern Europe. Let's be honest, I am fucking huge anywhere and anyway, but I am especially well loved in Austria, Czech Republic, Slovakia, Moldova, Romania, Bulgaria, Molvania, and Ulaan Baatar.

Two of these things are not like the other. Art majors please explain in the form of analytical quadratic eliptical equation. Math majors please explain in the form of dialectic symphonic bicuspid pentameter.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Not Bad, You?

Oh, Senator Frist, you are so mercilessly free of the ravages of intellect, decency and morality.

You fuckers all better know what movie I am butchering here.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

You Know Those People?

You know those people? Those people who do those things? At this point in the paragraph, AG is probably running down the massive fucking list in her head of those people. Anywizzles.

My office has about two square feet of yard that they went and had landscaped and now they have a crew come along twice a month and remove the weeds from the cracks in the pavement. The leader of this crew is one of those people. If you say hi and then ask how's it going in the manner that is requesting a really snappy and quick response, you get a full goddam medical history. Dude, it is the middle of the freaking week of all fucking weeks and I don't want to hear how some stupid cavities you got from eating too many mallomars in junior high school in the frigging 19th century are now acting up because of the state of your damn bleeding gums and the lack of dental hygiene and/or knowledge on behalf of your general practitioner.

Just clam the fuck up and say, "Not too bad, yourself?" and then get the fuck out of my office. I got some work/blogging to do.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

The Difference

I have watched Ang Lee's Ride With The Devil many times. I love that movie. Tobey Maguire, Skeet Ulrich, Simon Baker and Jeffrey Wright are Confederate partisans running around fighting in the Civil War. At one point in the movie, a Confederate man is explaining why he thinks the South will lose the war. To paraphrase, he was up in Lawrence, Kansas while the town was being built and he saw that the school had been built before the church. The people of Lawrence were educating their children in their lifestyle before their education in religion. The Confederate saw the war as one of ideals, a war that the North was fighting to push their interpretation of America on the South, while the South was merely fighting to keep their lifestyle. The South didn't need to enforce its lifestyle on the North.

I do not sympathize with the South at all, but I do identify with this interpretation as an excellent example of our struggles today. As a liberal, I do not want to tell anyone else how to live their life. It is a fundamental principle of my beliefs. I will not dictate to anyone except my children, should I ever get so lucky as to have any.

When I read jackasses like Coach Dave at Sadly, No!, I want to stop them from dictating lifestyles to other people. I want to remind them all of the basic American freedom that they are twisting to their own purpose. Does that make me any better than them? Am I not forcing my ideals of tolerance on another person unfairly? Should Coach Dave not be allowed to live the life he wants to live?

I lose sleep over assholes like this guy.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

My Viewing Pleasure

I have been watching a lot of movies and TV in between bouts of productivity. This weekend, I mainlined Battlestar Galactica. I watched pretty much every episode of Season 2.5 and all the deleted scenes. I even watched some of the video blogs. I also watched the BSG miniseries, Lost Horizon (the restored version) and Cemetary Man.

That's it for me for now, but I should have home internets Wednesday evening, so expect me to resume the high functioning autistic inanity.

Monday, September 18, 2006

NPR Really Lowers the Bar Sometimes

I was listening to NPR this morning, like I do every morning that I am not watching advance copies of Battlestar Galactica season 2.5, and they had a lovely little piece of fiction about the drop in gas prices. I have searched the site and it isn't posted as a separate story yet, but they have a few others. This one from Sept. 13, for example.

I generally like NPR. On 88.5 WAMU, they play The Big Broadcast on Sunday nights. I also enjoy Prairie Home Companion, This American Life, Car Talk, Fresh Air, Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me and sometimes even Whaddaya Know? If I had disposable income, I would dispose of some of it in WAMU's direction. However, this piece on gas prices this morning had me fuming.

The piece meandered around talking about how people haven't been getting kicked in the choad by the high price of gas in the last week. Apparently, people are saving so much money at the pump with the forty cent drop that everyone is sleeping on mattresses made of fucking gold. The narrator had the nerve to say that this was going to offest our economic recession due to the failing housing market because people are going to spend this money on other goods. They then askeda gas station cashier how sales were. She said things are fine. People are spending less money on gas but more money on candy and soda. HOORAY! The depression has lifted thanks to the 50 cent candybar!

Not once did the piece mention seasonal drops in gas prices. When discussing the reasons for the drop, the narrator claimed that last week we were all worrying about the housing market, the war on terror, Iraq and all that other stuff, but now we arent' and gas prices are down! He did not specifically state that because we had stopped being such a bunch of nervous nancies gas prices had fallen, but he sure implied it. As long as we don't dwell on how badly the Republican't War Machine (Congress and the Administration) are screwing up, gas prices will fall and salad days will come again!

Great job guys, great fucking job.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Two Videos

Keith Olbermann rocking everyone's world:

Keith O punches Ann in the Adam's Apple:

Monday, September 11, 2006

This Should Be Lame But Celebrated By Wingnuts UPDATED!

From A to Z: Conservative Comebacks to Liberal Lies
This is going to be a bit long winded, so I apologize in advance.

A is for Abortion: A woman’s right to choose murder?
Only if you have the mistaken belief that life begins at conception, which it doesn't.

B is for Bill Clinton: Sex, lies, and blind devotees
And the prosperity and peace we all enjoyed as a nation while he was President.

C is for Church and State: What our Constitution says about religion
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

D is for Democrats: Why they’re usually wrong about everything
Except the economy, taxes, foreign policy, and defense. Did I forget anything?

E is for Economics: Why it really is about the economy, stupid!

F is for Females: Which group really supports them?
The party that wants them to go home and have a nice day raising the kids and minding the house and WHERE THE FUCK IS MY MARTINI, WOMAN!?

G is for Gun Control: Why we have the Second Amendment
A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed. What part of well-regulated do you not understand?

H is for Health Care: Do you really want national 80 percent taxation?
Do you really want to see the doctor? Why don't you just go back to your check out counter and tough it out?

I is for Independent Israel: Why we need to support the only Middle Eastern democracy
AG can field this one.

J is for Justice: Why criminals need discipline
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the state and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense.

K is for Kids: The leftist indoctrination of our children
With kooky ideas like evolution, science, medicine, mathematics, etc.

L is for Liberal Media: Agenda, agenda, agenda
Which can be found Where The Wild Things Are.

M is for Mega-Watt Energy: Oil, tree huggers and environmental yappers
Global has been conclusively proven false a coalition of therapist, psychologists, dentists and Michael Chricton.

N is for 9/11 Attacks: A new kind of war
And whole new ways to lose it.

O is for Operation Iraqi Freedom: Why we had to fight this war
We just had too many bombs sitting around not maiming anybody.

P is for President George W. Bush: The man for the hour
The man loves his Jerry Brickheimer movies and figured that Operation: Shock and Awe would be even better.

Q is for Queer Eye for Same-Sex Marriage: Why the family is in jeopardy
Man, I watched Brokeback Mountain yesterday and before I knew what was happening, I was banging the shit out of my neighbor, Carl. And just last week I was on a date with a pretty girl! Them queers and their insidious agenda have converted me.

R is for Race-Based Preferences: What’s wrong with affirmative action
What's wrong with discrimination?

S is for Social Security: How to fix it
Congress is not going to be returning the money that was borrowed, that's for sure.

T is for Taxes: Cut your way to financial freedom
Because rich people don't need any social programs and if you believe this book, you better be rich.

U is for the United States: What makes us great
Invading sovereign nations without provocation or evidence. And our hot dog eating contests.

V is for Vouchers and Public Schools: How we can fix education
If we destroy the system, then it won't be broken anymore!

W is for Welfare: What’s wrong with it
The mere fact that it exists is enough for some.

X is for Xenophobia: Why illegal immigration is hurting us
These damn immigrants are taking jobs are teenagers haven't wanted to do for years!

Y is for Yankee Doodle Founding Fathers: They really got it right
But I have never read anything they wrote.

Z is for Zealot Terrorists: How we can fight them
We have met the enemy and their zeal is strangely appealing.

UPDATE: Clif knocks two solid home runs over the fence. Clif's first post and then his second.

World Air Guitar Championship Not Won By Hot Lixx Houlihan

The Winner:

In other news, check out Thursday's Late Night with Conan O'Brien. Bjorn Turoque will be on and it will be awesome. Hopefully, I will be able to watch this somewhere. Maybe I will meet a new Chucklette with tv reception. Maybe I'll hook up my damn bunny ears and get my own reception.

Bjorn's 2005 performance:

Hypocrites and National Parks: Not Necessarily Related

Yesterday, I took a walk and got pissed off. I walked by five people who were letting their nine dogs walk free and unleashed in a national park. This particular trail smelled like dogshit for its entire length. I nearly stepped in two turds and saw at least five before I stopped counting. There are signs at every entry point to this park detailing the regulations: no bikes, no unleashed pets, no littering. I did my civic duty and reminded each one of these selfish jackasses of the leash regs. I got a few "Thanks for reminding me." I responded with a "Thanks for breaking the law!" This shit pisses me off. The whole fucking trail smelled like dogshit. We have dog parks in DC for fucking reason. Take your fucking furry shit producers and let them defecate all over the dog park. Keep them on the fucking leash and clean up after them in the park, bitches.

I also walked by a synagogue displaying a Call to Conscience banner. Next to that banner was one that read "We support Israel in its struggle for peace and security." No contradiction there.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Friday Photo Assay

This is my nephew. He can walk and point at stuff. Clearly, he will grow up to be a freaking genius like his uncle. And his parents.

This is a vile minion of the sink lettuce. You can tell from the greenish tint on the hair. AND BY THE ENORMOUS BRAIN LETTUCE ATTACHED TO THE HEAD!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday Rim Shots

Wasn't this show great? I hear the Fall Guy is making a HUGE come back, though.

Rim shot.

The Senate Iraq intelligence report will apparently reveal that this word is not in the dictionary.

Rim shot.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

It is Thursday September 7 and our President has admitted to breaking international law.

The front page of today's print edition of the New York Times has a story about Bush's speech to 200 people stating that he fully authorized the CIA secret prison program in which the CIA tortured the captives. Regardless of the supposedly vital nature of the program, it is a clear violation on international law. Torture is illegal.

There are levels to our laws; county ordnances, state/province laws, federal laws, international law. International law specifically outlaws torture. Bush may call it aggressive interrogation all he wants, but he broke the law by authorizing it. This was absolutely illegal. Bush has tried to claim that as President, he is the sole interpreter of the Constitution and the laws of our country. He is absolutely wrong in this statement. I sincerely hope Bush is arrested and brought to trial the day our next president is inaugurated.

So, it is Thursday September 7, 2006 and our President has admitted to breaking international law. I am fine, how are you?

Doonesbury Makes Me Unhappy Inside


Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Gone with the Blastwave

In the continuing saga that is my kingmaking of other people's artwork, Gone with the Blastwave is pretty good. I suggest everyone go read it while I procrastinate some more.

Sometimes the comedy writes itself

In a victory for the Cosmo and Valium party, Katherine Harris has won the nomination for Florida's Senate seat. Now all she has to do is beat an entrenched Democratic Senator. And not go insane too much for the next two months. After the election, she may revert to her regular levels of freaking nutz.

I think that publicly funded privately owned sports teams are stupid. Many of the nicknames for these teams are even dumberer. The Boston Red Sox was shortened to the BoSox for the feed in my gmail. After this news matter collided with the shields in my brain, I learned two things from the analysis of the particle trails and disintegration. One: I should really ignore the news feed in my inbox since I can't be bothered to shut it off. Two: The people who make nicknames for sports teams are dumb. Getting a BoSox injection is fertile ground for comedy. If anyone were to ever refer to the Red Sox as the BoSox in conversation, I hope his/her friends would mercilessly abuse her/him.

Monday, September 04, 2006

HOLY SHIT. Steve Irwin, Rest in Peace

Steve Irwin is dead. Long live the Croc Hunter.

I loved his show. The guy was freaking nutz and stuff, but he loved animals and conservation. What a guy.

Was fur ein mensch.

Friday, September 01, 2006

Re: Oh, and Another Thing from 3Bullsia

Tori Spelling may suck all the fun out of everything including wangs, but this movie looks to have it just about right. God damned Scandanavians always kick ass where you don't expect it, eh Stephen King?

Will this shit ever be true?

I was reading Playboy the other day. It has some interesting articles and an interview with Michael Brown, you know Brownie from everywhere. Anyway, so I am of course reading the "Centerfolds on Sex" part first because fiction interests me. The one answering questions was giving advice to just 'walk up and call a woman beautiful and ask her to dinner'. How does that not sound crazy?

Example: See an attractive person on the bus or wherever and then march right up and say that. This seems like a tactic designed to get a person arrested for hassling people.

I guess it might work if you establish some kind of noticing situation before being bold. Maybe that is just how shit works.

And maybe the "Centerfolds on Sex" section is actually written by other people and just sort of approved by the women.

And what the hell is with their models for the last ten years? Fakies are not cool. Ever.