Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Objectification of the Human Form

After much deliberation, I submit to you, dear reader, two new celebrities that deserve our hate. Gwyneth Paltrow and Sean Penn. We'll discuss the second person first.

Sean Penn is more of a spectacle now than an actor. His movies get phenomenal press and, for some reason, ridiculous indie cred that far outweighs the efforts he puts into acting in the movie. I have never been impressed with any of his performances, not even the recent one in New Orleans. Everything he does feels like a calculated attempt to convince people that he doesn't know and will never meet on the subway to like him, really like him. Sean Penn is an actor. He is famous because he works in the movies. Is this man really qualified to run around telling everyone how to vote and how to run the world? If he weren't famous, then he would be as coherent as the man who stand on the corner of Mass Ave and 34th St with the sign that reads, "The Vatican protects pedophiles!" As a citizen, his opinions are just as valid as mine, but he seems to think that because he is famous, he knows how our country should operate. Oh really, Mr. Penn, please elaborate on your Mid-East Peace Plan? I am also curious as to how you would implement a comprehensive HIV/AIDs education and prevention plan. What is your opinion on the wide spread use of powerful antibiotics to prevent infections among the infected hordes in Africa? Oh yeah, that right. You don't actually know crap because you studied acting. Sorry, I forgot that you are a pinhead.

I was going to rip on the Paltrow, but I feel like shitting on Sean some more. However, as a blogger I have certain responsibilities. (No, I don't these things are not newspapers people.) So, back to Gwenyth Paltrow. She has been good. Hell, she blew the Brits out the water while she was on her extended stay over there a few years ago. To her credit, she didn't pick up some fake accent. However, her most recent movie seems to have been her naming her child Apple. A sure sign that kid will be a coke addict but I digress. Her catalog has some good movies: Seven, The Talented Mr. Ripley and The Royal Tenenbaums to name the best. However, it also contains Duets which is almost unforgivable. Especially that song she sang that ended up on easy listening stations across the country and runs through my brain due to the fact that my boss in Portland insisted on subjecting us to it, even though she used headphones to listen to her own music. Basically, she has been phoning it in for a while now and the press has been all about her private life. I have began to cringe every time her name is mentioned and that is not good. Come on, Great Expectation? What was that crap? Lets not forget Bounce for christ's sake. Her IMDB listing is starting to stink worse than an apple diaper dumpling. Take a break and remember what is important. The performance on screen, not the cookiness off screen.

Harrison Ford and Angelina Jolie were brought up as possible targets of hate, but Ford has not had the tawdry off screen life even though his latest movies have all been crap. Air Force One and the other formulaic crud bother me, although I thought the ending to the one about him killing his mistress was neat. Jolie has made good movies in the past, but since Hackers most people just want the boobies. Her private life bugs the hell out of me. Not because of her actions but because people seem to care about it. However, the tide has been against her for a while now. I don't dislike her because she stole a man and a few babies, I dislike her because that seems more important to her than putting out a moving performance in a better than average movie. She would have won my hate if she proselytized more about UNICEF and was photographed carrying more sacks of grain in Africa and then shooting at the Un helicopters to get their attention. That would totally deserve my rage. However, since she is one of the few that even remembers that Africa exists and more people die from the incessant fighting and AIDs than die from tsunamis, I guess she is off the hook for now.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Which Celebrity Shall We Hate Next?

Well, with all the hilarious hating of Tom Cruise also known as the New Michael Jackson, I have been taking names for our next nationally hated celebrity. Who shall we hate next? I was thinking Will Smith at first, but then I decided that others may have a different opinion and that this could be even funnier with other people's input. So, in the spirit of the uber-democracy of teh internets, why don't my two readers list their suggestions and at least one decent reason to hate their suggested celebrity. We'll start with celebrities of music and movies first, because they are pretty universally odd. If you have to explain who the person is, they don't count. (Just to prevent all you Amitabh Bachchan haters from exploiting my site.)

Newest Hated Celebrity: Will Smith
Reason(s): Hitch, The Legend of Bagger Vance, Wild Wild West, Men In Black 1&2. In addition, we shall hate Will Smith for having the pull and influence to make decent, challenging movies and choosing to star in Shark Tale. Whatever happened to the Will Smith from Six Degrees of Separation?

Other celebrities I was tossing around: Angelina Jolie, Halle Berry, Tom Hanks and Steven Spielberg. I think Spielberg is a little too easy.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Daily Show: No Longer?

So, I just woke up and I wanted a weather forecast so I turned on the television. It was left on NBC last night due to my late night viewing of SNL. I wanted a weather report and I got Meet the Press. This is my new favorite fake news show. It was hilarious! A guy pretending to be Bill Frist was denying his prior actions in the Schiavo incident. He said that there was no anatomical way to declare someone to be in a PVS, it is only a clinical diagnosis. (I do not know the difference, but it sounded funny!) He then said the funniest thing! He had learned from the incident! The actor playing Bill Frist said the American people do not want government involved in medical decisions like this. This is hilarious! It's like he is saying that the Republican leadership is going to stop arguing about abortion, assisted suicide and PVS decisions. Man, I was dieing. Just rolling around clutching my side. This show just knocked the Daily Show from its vaunted, lofty position in the fake news I watch.

UPDATE: 11:19 AM: I just found out that Meet the Press isn't a fake news show at all. This means that really was Frist. This means that Frist is a complete (insert favorite insult here).

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Advice About Landlords When Looking For Apartments

As Dave Chappelle said, "If your landlord is a crackhead, you got to have rent."

I gave a check to a woman who wanted me to rent a room in her house. After being denied 5 or 6 places because I was an alleged male and thus allegedly filthy, I was getting desperate for an apartment. I also only had one week to move as the parental units had decided it was high time to sell their house. The morning of our appointment she calls me and asks for twenty more minutes before I come over. Ok. No problem, early mornings are rough. But it is a Wednesday, maybe she just needs to call work to tell them she might be late, I think to myself. After waiting outside, I see the place and it is a room in her house. The room has not yet been vacated, but whoever was currently residing in it was actually filthy. The closet is full of open and half empty bottles of gatorade and other sports drinks. The mattress has no sheets and looks like it was rescued from a condemned, defunct homeless shelter. The floor is stained and the room reeks. The hardwood floor has been damaged by what I hoped was only sports drinks. It is about ten feet by ten feet. I ask how much and she replies with $450. She says that she would be willing to cut breaks on the rent if I can fix certain ailments around the house like the leaky bathroom window, the rotten grout in the bathroom tile, and the damaged floors. Warning! I ignore this with some mumbled non-committals. I ask if that includes utilities and she says no. There is no central air and she says that everything is divided by fourths, including cable (she has the only box in the basement), high speed internet, and all utilities. I think this is preposterous given the amount of appliances I saw plugged into her outlets in the basement, but I am desperate and she says that in the summer it typically only comes to $75 each. In the winter she claims that it typically runs up to $150 each. I ask if she publishes the utility bills. She says no. Warning!

A little bit about this landlady. She is 30 something and has been smoking cigarettes too long. She seems vehemently liberal which is a plus, but then she admits to not having had a job ever since her parents bought her this house. Warning! We sit down to talk turkey and she details a bare bones lease agreement. I get out my checkbook. I ask her about the garden and she talks about her projects that she pretends to work on. I garden and I can tell that she hasn't been out doing a damn thing for at least a month, given the amount of weeds growing out back. Warning! I ask her about parties as I think, it won't be that bad. I can still bike to work and I'll be near the Metro and stuff. She says that during the summer, yeah she likes to throw some parties. I ask her about drug use and clarify that if I see anything worse than weed, including LSD, than I will have moved out before her hangover clears up the next day. She responds with a declaration of how she doesn't like to infringe on anyone else's good time but there are limits. I restate my position and say that if I see any coke, I will be gone and to hell with the lease. She says, almost direct quote, 'oh yeah, man, I have had my own problems with coke and I totally understand your position.' What? Warning! 'I mean, I get some coke in me and I can't stop. I know this guy who always has some and when we get together, I always find myself three or four months down the road totally strung out and hurt.' Warning! Now, I am a person who understands that problems take time, but I am not a dipshit. I also understand the difference in acknowledging a problem and getting help with said problem. This was not the case with her. I handed her the check I had finished writing as she spoke. I made my pleasantries and then left. The next day I called her to tell her I was not going to rent the place and put a stop payment on that check. I just saw her listing on craigslist. She needs two new roommates and the rent is now $600 for the same shitty rooms I saw.

She passes herself off as a roommate instead of the owner. She has a periodic coke problem. The house is falling apart and the rooms are tiny for the money. Some people just want too much.

Underwear: Evolution

I missed the showing of Dead Ringers last night at the AFI theater because I was wrong about the showtime. The entire night was all thrown off. I made my first mistake by getting the time wrong. My second mistake was walking in 30 MPH winds. It was pretty freaking cold. The third mistake of the night was getting a burrito at Baja Fresh. That was freaking awful. Their burritoes are generally of poorer quality, but I find their sauces and salsas to be more than acceptable, at least in terms of variety of flavors. I ended up with their burrito mexicano and chicken. As I was paying, they said they were out of chicken so I went with the steak option. This was the first warning sign. The second sign that told me to go elsewhere was that they were closing as I ordered. The burrito was scraped together from all the leftovers and was in no way fresh as the name implied. I had ample oppurtunity to cancel the order and follow my gut out the door, but I was stubborn for some cloacular reason and waited. I put some medium pico and salsa verde in two extruded petrolium byproduct containers, received my burrito and chips and forged out into the wind to go get a seat for the movie. Upon my arrival, I found that I was almost an hour late for the start of the movie and felt stupid. So I went around the corner and got a ticket for Underworld: Evolution. I probably should have seen Good Night and Good Luck or The Squid and the Whale, but I am a little politicalled out right now. Besides, I have all of next week to entertain myself before the nuclear apocalypse.

Underworld was ok, I guess. The cargo container sex scene was straight up fan service. The rest of it fit together well, but the beginning seemed to be a prelude to a completely different set of movies compared with the first. This was smoothed over in an acceptable way. Being more than a little colorblind, I found the excessive use of angry eyes contacts to be a little annoying, simply because I couldn't tell if someone's eyes were grey, blue, pink, silver or whatever. This wouldn't be a problem if it wasn't blatantly clear that it was important to the story. I should totally call the ADA about this violation of my rights. As an aside, apparently iodine is reddish brown. I have always thought it was bright green.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

A Series of Links

These stories are all pretty old but I only just found them.

Rock planet found.

Dead worlds from 2003.

Big rock planet found.

Strange star systems.

More wild wacky stellar stuff.

I like Says You and this is a link.

The Coffee Shop Near Work Nearly Burned to the Ground Yesterday

Because I found out they were holding out on me. They hide the crumb cake until the afternoon. I was close to calling down the fires of heaven and rendering the employees into a fine red paste and salting the smoking hole that was left by the meteors with their blood. This was the legacy of my ancestry flaming within me. I wanted them to cower in fear and acquiesce to my demand for the crumb cake. I held fire in my right hand and brimstone in my left. I could destroy shatter the sky with my righteous fury. Thus is the cycle of father's family renewed. Had I been in an airport or car rental agency, my rage would have burst forth like a fiery Athena and smote all in an futile effort to sate my lust for vengeance.

I didn't even glare at the employees that delivered this unholiest of unholy news, I just looked at them. No frown. No sneer. Just a flat, deadly look. They were sore afraid. The poor girls backed away from the counter. I calmed the raging inferno that was my being with the knowledge that it wasn't their fault. I left without incident after gathering my expensive espresso drink. Should I next see the manager, she will not be so lucky.

Although, in hindsight, I bet I looked like a bit of psycho to the three people in line because they were definitely looking at me with odd expressions.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

A Challenger to Butterstick's Throne

Butterstick isn't the sole provider of cute in the world. I submit this photo as evidence.

The A-Rod has issued a challenge. Huzzah! Whatchoo got now, B-Stizzle?

FYI: This is not my child.

I Needed Another Reason, Really I Did

Everyone else will be blogging better than I about this subject today. How badly can a person screw up a Presidency? I suppose a better question would be, how badly does a person have to screw up for all of the people that voted for him to rescind their support?

If anybody is looking for me, I'll be at this. I wonder if I'll get arrested. I am not likely to throw rocks or anything, but the police in DC are not known for being all that intelligent during these events. Ah well, I suppose I ought to dust off my Circle Jerks and other punk music to get in the mood. Who am I kidding? I was never punk.

A very CleverGirl sent me these links, but since she is not a presence on the internet, I had to dream her up out of pixiefairy dust.

Moron the subject.

Yet More Musical Diversion

Friday the 20th, I went out with some peeps from my hood to see some shizzle down at the coffee shop. This coffee shop was in Vienna, VA and is harder to get to than Vienna, Austria. This show would have been so much cooler if it hadn't been all ages. And in Virginia. In case you haven't heard yet, Virginia is the worst state in the Union.* Everything is spread out and crappy. The suburbs do not end and are in no way entertaining or interesting. Traffic is non-stop and the singles scene would give you something horrible.** All ages shows can reliably and cogently labeled as a bad idea.***

Anyway, the peeps and I were there to see some people play instruments in a coordinated fashion. The first group runs under the monniker of Pepper's Ghost. It is guessed that they may be some sort of Beatles cover band. They were ok, but could use a little tuning. They did a pretty good cover of In My Life, but it was not tweaked at all.

The headliners were Washington Social Club. These guys were pretty darn good. I found that I could understand all of the lyrics and they were well written songs. The sound was much more professional than the previous group and they felt like quality musicians that had time to really gel as a group. I would definitely go see them again. I am even likely to go buy their album. May God damn you, fulsome, and take you and all your indie rock cred straight to hell. This is all your fault.

A moment of your time, if you will, for a discussion of all ages shows. The discussion:
Side A: All ages shows suck.
Side B: Yes, but how do they suck?
Side A: They suck because there are children running around in misfits sweatshirts that have never even heard any of them.
Side B: I would argue that all ages shows suck because they make you feel like a dirty old man.
Side A: I must agree but I shall add that all ages shows make me feel like I have snuck into some rival high school's dance.
Side B: Do you have anything further to enter into evidence?
Side A: When kids bump into you, people give you dirty looks if you bump back. Where's my cane?

*In a poll of recent people who write on this blog.
**I have only been on two, ok, three dates in VA and they were only below average. I am not an expert on the social aspects of Virginia.
***Completely true. Damn jailbait, Girls Gone Wild wannabes.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Music is Potatoetally Diverting: The Pietasters

I went to the Pietaster's show at the 930 Club on the 7th of January. The second of the three opening acts was terrible. I can't even remember their band name. The bassist had a wireless, so drool all you want Pop Ren, but remember that they still sucked. Anyway, the bassist was pretty athletic and stuff, jumping around and getting all fancy, but he was nothing compared to the guitarist. This guy was all over the place. He even did a somersault while playing. This may be a truly average trick, but it was the first time I'd seen it and I was desperate for some reason not to rip my ears off and stab my eyes with a straw.
The Slackers were up next. These guys are really good ska. They have a sound that is sterotypical ska, but not in the bad way. They have the suits and the talent. Checkout their site and their music if you like that sort of thing. Me, I hate music and never go to shows. Musicians piss me off.
The Pietasters are good. The show was good. They're good all over. After a few songs they played one of my personal favorites, Biblical Sense, which was nice. I was peeved by the 930 Club's decision to list only the Pietasters on their website and then run three opening bands. This delay was unexpected and unappreciated by me and my company. I am not a fan of that establishment because of their ripoff convenience charge scam and tickets dot com can go suck an egg. I had to pay as much in fees as I paid for the tickets. But the music was good. Check this linky dink to make your own decision.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

My Favorite Position

Allow me to restate my position. I do not have the authority to tell someone how to make a choice in life and neither does anyone else. The exceptions are parents and the state in public health and safety areas. Canuck, you have declared that you feel that you can make other's decisions for them. This ability stems from a perceived moral superiority on your part. This is where we differ.

My perceived moral superiority moral comes is derived from a desire to let people make their own choices and even mistakes. A person should be taught responsibility (how is a topic for another discussion.) and should pay for any harm caused to individuals or society at large. Free will is an important part of our society and should be protected. This does mean that people are free to invent the wheel chair and have sex. People are free to get pregnant or buy cars. There are consequences to every action. If someone were to perform an action that is deemed harmful to society, then they should be punished. This is why we have a legal system. These learned people determine whether harm has been caused and exert a suitable punishment. Barring certain science fiction scenarios, abortion is not harmful to society. The great and unholy act of gay marriage, or marriage in general, shall be discussed at a later date.

Canuck, your perceived morality stems from a position of claimed authority. According to your comments, you know better than others how to handle questions of morality and thus should be allowed to dictate actions. I do not know the source of your morality but I am curious. You have claimed that you are not a Christian, so I remain curious. Your handle indicates that you might descend from those crazy socialists known as Canadians. If this is so, why do you even care what goes on in a moralistic debate of such a pointless topic for your political life? An American decision about the legality or morality of abortion won't have any import for foreigners until we have run much further down the Great Big List of Reasons to Bomb Other People. Furthermore, your claim that only liberals have abortions is completely ridiculous. If you were able to prove that, I might never blog again.

I derailed a bit at the end. I really don't understand why anyone cares if someone they don't know has an abortion. What does it matter?

Pursuant to That Subject, Vis a Vis, Cinema

I went to the American Film Institute's Silver Theater in Silver Spring, MD yesterday for their showing of Spider as part of the Cronenberg Retrospective. I liked it and tried to look up the review in the AV Club that I am always mentioning, but it was either buried in their subscription service or no longer archived digitally. In any event, I liked the aura of menace and insanity. I am going to see Dead Ringers on Friday and The Dead Zone on Saturday. Those should be thoroughly bizarre.

A linky dink for the cinema creep in everyone.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

I Guess This is Completely Uncool

Baywatch Hasselhoff

You are Baywatch Hasselhoff. You're up for running around on the beach with hotties, as well as tanning, smiling, and being as buff and sexy as being Hasselhoff will allow. You also like to think that you've actually saved a few lives as a lifeguard; but that's just the product of some other, far more sinister, psychological "quirk."

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

More on the Subject

Nail Gun Massacre.

I really can't emphasis how horrible this movie is. It isn't as bad as Bloodrayne, although only because it is clear that the director cared enough to do more than one take. The only way you know he tried more than one take is due to the so-called Deleted Scenes and Outtakes which are really just effed up takes.

The plot is simplistic and has a Friday the 13th part 2 ending. The dialogue is worse and most of the actors look like they were hillbillies that were roped, probably literally, into performing because they were the first people the director saw on the street/dirt road after setting up his shots.

In a town, and I use the term extremely loosely, of maybe fifty to a hundred people, perhaps 30 people are killed by a nail gun. The sheriff has trouble figuring out how the killer got people to stand still enough for him/her to hammer in the nails. Even though the only obvious sources of employment in the town are the sheriff's office, coroner's office and the multitude of construction sites, the sheriff has never heard of a nail gun. No one stops to inform him of this miracle of modern tool design, but whatever, after all they aren't paid enough to remember their lines.

The director, Terry Lofton, is proud of his creation, which is cool. He apparently got his start as a stuntman for the Dukes of Hazzard, which is even cooler. He makes comments in the commentary over the Deleted Scenes and Outtakes that are essentially him asking for money to make the sequel, which is by far the coolest part of the movie. Terry Lofton has giant, brass balls.

Next to see: California Axe Massacre

Some Movie Reviews

The Forbidden Zone
What can I say about this movie that has never been said before. Pretty much everything. It was recommended to me by a friend from college, we shall call him ZZorro. ZZorro and I share a love of the crappiest films of all time. We differ in other areas, but in terms of crapfests, we are in synergy.

This movie was not really craptacular. Richard Elfman wrote and directed this movie, using that word fairly loosely, and Danny Elfman wrote most of the lyrics and songs. I thought this movie seemed odd and more like a few slapped together viniettes and I was right. According to IMDB's trivia page, that is exactly what it was. The Elfman brothers wanted to string together their musical numbers and jotted down some story. Normally, this would either involve songs that were vaguely similar in nature or topic or a very imaginative writer. Neither of these requirements were met. This is not to say that the result is not hideously fascinating or even boring. In fact, I think that this movie is of an extremely rare breed and was pretty funny. I thought at first that Richard Elfman was trying to unseat Rocky Horror Picture Show for midnight madness. Then I thought that they had hired the first person who admitted to being a writer at the California Penitentiary for the Criminally Insane. I sat there laughing and watching and I finally realized that I just didn't care. The Forbidden Zone is great, psychedelic(in the proper use of the term), musical, bizarre fun.

If you think this movie sounds nifty, try: Dead Alive(Best Movie Ever Featuring a Room Full of Zombies and a Lawnmower), Blood and Donuts(Best Movie with Donuts in the Name Only), Demon Wind(Best Movie Ever Featuring Demon and Wind in the Name Only) or

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Bloodrayne: The Musical starring Gene Hackman

dontEATnachos and I saw Bloodrayne last night. If I were the type of person who used one word to describe movies, then that word would be: hypertension.

If you thought the Kill Bill movies were bad because of all the blood, well then you'll love Bloodrayne. Every single cut and clash on anyone but the, ahem, heroine produces voluminous amounts of pressurized blood. Pretty much every peon had at least 3 gallons spray from them for even the smallest slash. These people were fountaining blood, probably close to ten feet. It was pretty silly. Doubly so because you got plenty of opportunity to see this happen. I guess Uwe Boll is not a fan of the old standby, "if they're not important characters, they die offscreen or in the background."

This brings me to the fighting and swords. I finally figured out, during the training quasi-montage, what bugs me about some old television shows and this movie. Swords. If they look like crap, you have lost. The swords looked like they had been cut from slabs of sheetmetal. They were blatantly thick and notched. I guess the notching means that someone, somewhere used them for fighting and perhaps even training. You can't really tell from watching the movie. It seemed more like the actors were given their swords and then given a bunch of Sinbad and Zena episodes and told to watch them and then imitate and improvise for the fight scenes. "Don't worry, we'll pack the extras with so much blood that as soon as you graze one of them, it'll look like you just attacked a blood bank." Not a single one of the swords looked even remotely cool. They looked like the swords I used to make in my garage with old fence slats and silver spray paint. This just enhanced the overall silliness of the fight scenes.

As I said above, the fight scenes looked like someone had given the actors a cursory introduction to previous movies with sword fights and then said, "You're actors, go act like your fighting." Everything was slow and odd-looking. In the climactic fight scene it looks like Uwe removed a few frames to speed it up but then forgot to actually speed up the film to make up for the missing frames. The result, instead of looking cool, looks like a live movie on a dial up connection, just skipping around. Stick your sword in the a-yer and wave like ya just don't ka-yer!

If you are a fan of movies and theater, or even just acting in general, then you will have little to watch in this movie. Michael Madsen doesn't so much phone it in as he does fulfill the basic requirements of his job description so he can get the cash and walk. Meat Loaf seems to be playing Hedonism Bot from Futurama and looks ridiculous, his entire scene was completely unnecessary. Billy Zane. Enough said. Ben Kingsley, well, everyone likes money. What can really be said about Udo Kier and Michael Pare that hasn't been said already? Kristianna Loken and Will Sanderson(he plays a nemesis-type) seem to be the only people who weren't clued in to the fact that no one else cared enough to actually work in this movie. They actually try to emote and be their characters. In any other movie, she would probably look like a block of wood, but in this movie she deserves an Oscar, comparatively. Will Sanderson looked a bit like he knew that somebody, somewhere might see him and release him from eternal bondage to Uwe Boll. This is his fourth movie with Boll and his fifth comes out in the winter(the Dungeon Siege movie). The odd thing is that it is his fourth Boll movie and he still gives it his all. Lastly, but most definitely not least, Michelle Rodriguez. The accent comes and goes as does your desire to see her in another movie ever. After seeing her in Lost, Resident Evil and this movie, I figured out what I don't like about her. Everything.

A moment of your time for a discussion of wigs. It is my belief that the actors all got together and had a wig meeting. Those that were wearing them for the movie all seemed to have them cocked at an angle that can only be described as jaunty. Billy Zane's (what purpose did he really serve?) wig was the worst. Although Meat Loaf and one the main characters were both pretty bad. Ben Kingsley is the only one who didn't get the memo or wasn't in on the joke, I guess, because his wig is straight and looks ok, for a wig.

In general, the more of a stink fest a movie is, the more I like it. I can't wait for the director's cut of Doom for chrissakes. There are a variety of ways to make a crappy movie. You can have a crappy movie like The Sword and the Sorceror or even the worst American movie ever, which I proudly own. You can even have a crappy movie like Pulp Fiction or Alexander. These people all tried to make the movie of their dreams. Uwe Boll, however, seems to be making the movies of a film freak's nightmares. They are so perfectly awful, I hope they never close that loophole. This is far more creative than having a hut in the Caribbean. I want these movies to get more and more expensive and have the largest cast of A-listers ever. I want Uwe Boll to issue a statement on his deathbed detailing how he just didn't care, but a man's gotta work. Uwe Boll is laying it all out there for us. He doesn't care about anything other than money. He is the only honest, producer/director related to Hollywood. Everybody else can try to claim they want to make cinema but then this movie comes out. Or this. Or this stinker. In summary, Uwe Boll has cut right to the heart of what's wrong with Hollywood and set up a studio.

PS This is blogger's spell checker suggestion for Bloorayne: Bladdernut. How is Bladdernut in the dictionary?

UPDATE: I know this is really late, but it is very important. This is the Onion's review of Bloodrayne. Although, I bet only my bro, dandrobium, and dontEATnachos will care.

Friday, January 13, 2006

They're Mine Now, BITCH!

I stole these from Pinko's house* while I was in SF for New Year's!

HA HA!1!!1!!!! I ate them, COBAG!

UPDATE: The thumbnail is not working properly, click the picture to see the semi-goodness. The peanut butter one was too sweet and detracted from the overall pretzel and chocolate combo. Not to be mistaken with Combos, because those suck.

*I didn't, actually. I just bought them because they were at the market by my office.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Most Best Awesomest in the Universest!

I saw this and, if it is true, then Uwe Boll is so much cooler than I thought. Given the inherent fudgability of digital documents, I hesitate to proclaim it, but it is still a better explanation of the Boll Effect than anything I have seen yet.

Check it out.
Seven things to do before I die:

1. Sell a screenplay and make an awesome movie.
2. Sell a screenplay and make an Uwe Boll (suck ass) type movie
3. Conquer a small island nation. (Like the UC's)
4. Play an instrument so fine that chicks throw me their money.
5. Make a theremin.
6. Become a lawyer and sue the shit out of some asshole that really deserves it, like GWB, and give the money to create a public stem cell research grant.
7. Go hiking in the Carpathian Alps with an unlimited budget of both time and money.

Seven things I cannot do:
1. Use crayons or markers effectively. (I am very colorblind.)
2. Tolerate ignorance. (I am very smart and learned.)
3. Shut up when drunk.
4. Shut up when bored.
5. Shut up at all.
6. Get my point across in thirty seconds or less. (See Numbers 3, 4, 5.)
7. Give up.

Seven things I say most often:

1. Cobag. (I say this all the freaking time now, even to non-blog people.)
2. Bush is a cobag.
3. Bush allowed the attacks to happen.
4. I'm serious.
5. I'm fine.
6. I'm not angry.
7. No, really, I'm not angry, it's just my eyebrows that hate this conversation.

Seven books I love:

1. Snow Crash - Neal Stephenson
2. Perdido Street Station - China Mieville
3. Earth Abides - George R. Stewart
4. The Complete Works of Plato - Plato (duh.)
5. Starship Troopers - Robert Heinlein
6. Nine Stories - J.D. Salinger
7. Cathedral - Raymond Carver (How's that for a pretentious list?)

Seven movies I watch over and over:

1. Lord of the Rings (How original of me.)
2. Swimming Pool (Oh yeah, that's right, it's awesome.)
3. The Quiet Earth (Best Ever Australian Movie Featuring the End of the World, Maybe)
4. Deep Rising (Best Ever Shotgun Drive-By On a Skidoo in a Treat Williams Movie)
5. Orgazmo (Best Ever Fake Porno Movie Starring More Porn Than Non-Porn Actors)
6. Animal House (Best Ever, um, Ever?)
7. Casablanca (Best Ever Movie With A Still-Debated Sex or No Sex Scene)

Seven songs I play over and over again:

1. Folsom Prison Blues - Johnny Cash
2. Get Rythym - Johnny Cash
3. Sunday Morning Coming Down - Johnny Cash
4. The Wanderer - Johnny Cash/U2
5. The Man Comes Around - Johnny Cash
6. Hurt - Johnny Cash (If anybody has a problem with this, please address my anus.)
7. is it alright? - The Lovemakers (Screw you, Pinko! These people are good.)

Seven things that attract me to ..... blogging:

1. I can just keep posting and pretending people read it.
2. Sometimes I even post original crap.
3. The word cobag.
4. The voices can all get a chance to talk and you all think I am one person.
5. Indulging my ego. (Have you seen the name of my blog?)
6. No matter what I write, it will never change anything.
7. People think that blogs affect real life. (What a bunch of morons. Politicians are not going to read these and tremble unless you have 6,000,000 hits a day.)

Seven people that I want to join in too:

Everyone I know has already been hit. So, I guess that's that. And Friday the 13th is coming up. I'm boned.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Quotes from Morons, Part 2

I will only mention her once, because she seems to be a little too easy. Michelle Malkin had this stunning revelation about the Governor of Louisiana.(I don't care to give the details for the quote she whines about, but I am sure they deserve credit. It suffices to say the words aren't mine. The bold text in the quote is my addition.)

Blanco was out of the country Tuesday, studying flood-control measures in Holland, and unavailable to comment.

She's in Holland???
Maybe she's shopping for more office furniture.

No, you twit. Your own quote from the article clearly describes the purpose of her visit. In case my two readers aren't aware, even though I am sure they are, 60% of Holland lies below sea level. Jared Diamond, despite my beef with him(He stole my girl!), said, in a speech at the Lisner auditorium on the GWU campus in DC in March 2005, that the Dutch flood control administration is most corruption free government project in the world and has been for 40? 50? years. Clearly, we know two things: when the Governor of Louisiana needs help, she goes to the undisputed experts and that Michelle Malkin is a dumb moron.

I was going to post some responses to a comment of mine over at IMAO, but apparently they don't ban people. This sucks. I was really hoping to just wade back into that with a ban from a complete bunch of first generation cobags, instead of their dounchemonkey reposters like SeanS or jermcool. I am not going to walk in and swear for a while and get banned that way, because it is lame. If that's what I have to do to get banned, it isn't worth it. I guess there are always those sites with the USS Constitution on them. Those guys seem really touchy. Anybody else have any ideas?

Tarantula Tuesday

Helob hasn't eaten anything in about three weeks. I thought he looked fat, so I haven't fed him. I will be picking up some crickets some time this week and putting them in his cage, but I doubt he'll eat them. He is a picky spider.

For more information about tarantulas as pets and to order them, this guy seems to know stuff.

Monday, January 09, 2006

My New Home

My next residence will likely be Leavenworth Federal Penitentiary. If I am lucky, I will get Folsom prison and be able to sing the eponymous song by the ever awesome Johnny Cash.

For those who are wondering why I am going to prison, I direct you to the right side of my page where you will see the list entitled "People Who Don't Appreciate My Comments." Apparently, some of them have friends in high places because this just happened.

I hope my roommates are gentle.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Descartes, Astrophysics and the Bible

Descartes was a very smart man. He was a devout Christian and a mathematician. He was so devout he made a coherent attempt to prove the existence of God through logic. Descartes was smarter than me and I will now borrow some of his arguments.

Given that God is all good and all truth. Given that we have proof that there are other planets in the solar system. We have proof of other planets in systems beyond our own.

If all three of these items are true, then how is the Bible, supposedly the word of God, even remotely close to the truth? God is not a deceptive being. Deception is not a good trait for a being that defines itself as good. Deception is based on untruth and manipulation. Neither of these traits are good, Therefore God is not deceptive.

If we accept the proof of these planets and stars which, as rational individuals, we must, then we Must accept also that God did not solely create Earth when God created the heavens and earth. Since God is not deceptive, these stars exist and so do the planets we have found. We should change the Bible to read "On the second day, God created the heavens and the earths." None of these other planets are specifically covered in Genesis.

The Bible is the word of God. I postulate then that the word of God my have been correct but the ears of Man were, and remain, flawed. If we have misheard God about the creation of the heavens and the earth then perhaps we have misheard God about all the rest of the junk in the Bible.

However, it could be argued that the stars and planets were all created at the same instant as the Earth and God just didn't find it necessary to tell us about them. If God told the (as yet unfound)inhabitants of these other planets that they were God's sole creation, then God would be lieing and there goes the whole foundation of Christianity. Thus, God must have told all the other people on all the other planets that humans were made in God's image and not the others. Unless they all look like us. But which us would these aliens look like?

Quotes from Morons, Part 1: Jermcool the Stupid

So Jermcool thinks he is the sole arbiter of stupidity. I present evidence that this is quite possibly true.

A recent post of his is titled:
Thursday, January 05, 2006 Continuation of Stupidity

This is a solid admission that he is, in fact, stupid. It does not require analysis as he has stated the situation clearly.

Ah, Chuckles. If anyone cared about your opinion, we'd visit your website. Now go away.
JermCool | Homepage | 12.29.05 - 5:34 am | #

You did visit his website.
Yosef | Homepage | 12.29.05 - 10:07 am | #

These comments are copied from the post: Wednesday, December 21, 2005 A filthy Iran (A Precision Guided Attempt-At-Humor Assignment)

This is further evidence that this man is indeed quite stupid. It is strange that his blog is titled "Abolition of Stupidity." Perhaps it is his own stupidity he is trying to exorcise by expelling it into the internet. As a counter argument, Jermcool could just have the memory of a goldfish. I do not hold to this counter because he is able to assemble paragraphs and that requires some form of mnemonic capacity beyond five seconds.

These next comments were removed by Jermcool from his site. Fearing that this might happen, I copied the interaction before he could delete it. However, you have only my word on this, so I expect some of you might not believe me and to you I say, you are a cobag. Here they are from the previously mentioned post "Continuation of Stupidity":

I am glad to see that you have not ceased your stupidity.

Long may your stupidity reign supreme and may you have many heirs that will continue your stupidity.

This is just too easy. Make me work for it a little.
Chuckles | Homepage | 01.05.06 - 4:24 pm | #

Awww, Chuckles, I know you *think* you're amusing, but really...you're dull! Don't you have something - you know - relevant to say? At all?

Sorry! Silly me. You're a liberal.
JermCool | Homepage | 01.05.06 - 5:02 pm | #

It just occurred to me that my previous comment may be too hard for you to comprehend. Let me try it this way:

Bad Chuckles! No biscuit!
JermCool | Homepage | 01.05.06 - 5:07 pm | #

Also, insulting me is a good way to make sure you don't get read. I don't live in the US. I have no First amendment rights here to defend. Go cry on Helen Clark's shoulder if it makes you feel better.
JermCool | Homepage | 01.05.06 - 5:09 pm | #

Isn't your post entitled "Continuation of Stupidity"? Do you even read the stuff you write?

Come on, man, give yourself some credit! You made three attempts at comebacks and failed! It's fish in a barrel time and you show up to this gunfight with a knife! At least arm yourself with a line that hasn't been used by your buddy SeanS.
Chuckles | Homepage | 01.05.06 - 5:21 pm | #

Apparently, the bearer of stupidity thinks I am dull. I shall now die mortified with the utter shame of it all. Click here to expose yourself to Mr. Stupid Himself.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Gotta Love Google

A quick search with google turned up this gem. A quick look at the product ID and you can see that not everyone has discovered the stigma associated with that word.

UPDATE: I notice that this company chooses to remain gendered by introducing cogirlbag to the world. As if there were some difference in the world of cobags.

New Year, New Rules

Some of my family may even now be reading this blog. I will not be editing myself or any of the comments. I stand by the First Amendment and all the rest of them, even as I lament the sad fact that some people feel the need to buy guns and bake them into cakes. I would link, but the posers that do this sort of thing banned me from even viewing their site. I guess they got scared and had to call their mommies to bail them out.

Since fulsome has already covered this day quite well, I will leave well enough alone. Except to say that I am still hungry.

In regards to the rest of my West Coast Weekend, my fans got plenty of me and my enemies, not enough. There was an interesting(not really) argument about the deficiency of the Mercator Projection of the world and so I shall know present some sites.

People who care more about this than me: One, Two, and Three.

Ok so the last one wasn't about maps at all. But it would have been more fun to talk about than mapping a sphere on a flat surface.

Pop Renn, sorry about your toilet...

AS AN ASIDE: Blogger's spell checker doesn't even know 'blog'. This may be more interesting than my previous statement. Discuss and write a 15-20 page white paper on the creation and maintenance of dictionaries that also cover slang. A minimum of 10 citations required.