Thursday, May 31, 2007

Another Thing

R Stevens is funny. If you aren't reading Diesel Sweeties, you suck. It is linked down on the right under "Daily Reads". Also, LOLBOTS. The Replicant one is brilliant.

A Few Things Before I Wander Off Again

Work has become interesting again. You must be wondering, "how interesting, Genius?" Interesting enough that I am wearing office clothes to work again instead of a t-shirt and shorts. I have done a lot for the office, but most of it has just been the standard stuff for my position. The two real contributions I have made have been equipment. I stubbornly refused to follow my boss' order to stop researching credit card machines and have purchased three for the office that have already saved of tens of thousands of dollars in transaction fees and temp costs. I have also purchased booth lights that help us in our exhibit space at the conferences. Both of these things have helped the company look more professional at our conference and improved the quality of the experience. Also, they made me look good.

We are going through a rough patch at the office and the CEO has been out on "vacation" for the last two months and will likely be out until August. This leaves us in a tight spot since we need to start planning our conference. Also, our extra sales have been sagging badly. Our individual sales are down to 10% of 2005 numbers. I have wanted to get a full sales website set up since I started working for this company and now it looks like I am going to get my wish. I asked one of our design people about it and he directed me to our website designer. This project is going to be my baby for the next few months and when it is done, it will be a great revenue source and a fine point on my resume. Hell, it's only 10 more months until my next salary negotiation and this will be huge.

If it works.

People blather on about how every job is what you make it and blah blah blah. Maybe with the boss out and a new motiviation, I can finally cross #7 off my list of things to do before I die.

#7: Perform a succesful coup d'etat.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

More Ninja Stuff

I was watching Mythbusters last night and I realized two things: that show looks like a lot of fun and work to make and that it has been a long time since I posted anything about ninjas. This post is not about ninjas except how they relate to Mythbusters. The Mythbusters did a whole show on three ninja myths: catching an arrow in flight, stopping a sword over your head with your hands and running across water. I won't reveal the results but I will say that the Ask-A-Ninja ninja showed up at the end and you can see the bonus footage here.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Update on the Fire Hydrant Situation

A crew replaced the broken hydrant in front of my apartment yesterday. All you tokers in my building may feel free to light another spliff, but I would still prefer it if you didn't set fire to the building. Just in case.

Apparently the situation around the city just keeps getting worse however. The DC Fire Chief is saying that it looks like more than 25% of the hydrants in DC aren't working. The WASA General Manager is saying "that only a fraction of hydrants are out of service." That is technically correct. 25% can also be called one quarter which we all know is a fraction of a whole.


Wednesday, May 23, 2007

According to Some Definitions, Yes

I am alive. I am still sick. I am willing to look around the internets.

Look at the new thing that I must avoid: Lol President.

I will resist temptation.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Don't Drop That Doobie

For Immediate Release: Attention all you potheads in my apartment building! PLEASE DO NOT DROP YOUR DOOBIES OR JOINTS OR BATS OR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU CALL YOUR FLAMING HERB WRAPPED IN PAPER. The fire hydrant outside our apartment bulding has one of the service tags that have popped up all over the city in the last week. It turns out that about 11 percent of the hydrants in DC need urgent repair. This seriously hampered the efforts to put out the fire that nearly totally destroyed the historic Georgetown Public Library. By seriously hampered, I mean the fucking library almost burned to the fucking ground!

So, please, you stoned motherfuckers, DON'T DROP THAT DOOBIE!

And to the jackass that thinks that lighting 40 fucking sticks of incense will cover up the smell of your habit, we know. We all fucking know. We also know which apartment you are because we can see the clouds of incense billowing out from under your untowelled door. Who do you think you are kidding? Why do you even bother? I am the only person in the bulding that doesn't burn one every damn hour. The pot smoke and collateral damage high I can handle, but your goddam incense makes my eyes water and face itch. Just stop. Go eat some kitty litter if you are feeling paranoid, I hear that works well.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Two Quick Comments Before I Run to Work

Scott Kurtz may be a lot of geeks' favorite punching bag, but I think PVP is sometimes funny. I have been moving away from it lately, as I find it seriously losing steam. I may have lost interest completely with this totally lame retread joke from Family Guy. The joke was funny when Family Guy did it because that show is a slim plot surrounded by pop culture jokes and bizarre asides and because Family Guy might as well be a sketch comedy show, but here on PVP it just seems lame and reinforces all the negative aspects of Family Guy-type humor. Furthermore, to have your father try to defend your humor and originality hammers home the complete lack of effort you are giving your work these days. Maybe PVP the series is taking away too much of your attention, but I am not going to pay money to find out.

No critique is fair without a suggestion of how to correct the mistakes*, so I would suggest you move back to your storyline gags about working in a magazine by gamers for gamers. Maybe you dump the WB** style romances, unless they are funny, to satisfy other critics, but I don't really care as long as it is funny.***

In other news, this story about a Tintin trilogy has me simultaneously hopeful and totally depressed. Peter Jackson and Guillermo del Toro would indubitably do fine work but Spielberg and Burton can not be trusted. Fucking Burton would probably shoe-horn Fucking Johnny Fucking Depp in the roles of Tintin, Captain Haddock, the Fucking Dog and whoever the Fucking Villain is, too. Seriously, Burton, you have lost your way and need to find it again. I don't know what happened to you with Planet of the Apes, but go watch Sleepy Hollow again and figure that shit out before you direct or re-imagine again.

*Nor is arrogance served without telling someone who is eminently more succesful than you how to run their online empire.
**Sorry, I meant the CW but who really gives a shit?
***Also, in the grand tradition of internet shit tossing, the other critics are stupid and wrong by the very fact that they aren't me.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

RNC Not Only Ones to Refuse to Get "It"

I am laughing at this post on RedState. Erick seems to think that Calvert is the only corrupt Republican't in the House of Representatives. The corruption of your party is fucking institutional, you poor deluded bastard.

Monday, May 14, 2007

The Season Doth Approacheth

At some point in the geologically near future, the world will mark the passage of a new year in its abitrarily decided summation of days into months, weeks and years. This particular date of somewhat poorly recognized but deeply needed, wanted, desired, required passage is one of great import for you denizens of this arcane and strangely arousing network of computotrons and, perhaps, even for those who do not yet know of the awesomely majestic glory of The Genius. This day has been celebrated for the past number of centons, microns, yahrens and, sigh, even the mundane human notation of years as day of much song and dance and anger and abuse of siblings. There are some among you that might surmise that they know of which I type. Those of you would be wise to contact all colonies, extremities and externalities to remind them of that which can never be far from their minds: MY BIRTHDAY.

I hereby publish a list so that the adoring masses may shower my phenomenally beautious countenance with the praise and gifts that I so richly deserve. All are advised that receipts are required with all gifts, as situations involving so many loyal subjects inevitably result in gift duplication.

A food processor (better be quality, too, or heads will fucking roll)
The Venture Bros. (Seasons 1 or 2)
Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law (any and all available seasons)
Willing nubile women (aged 18+)
A suitably amusing or cool mousepad (think Ultimate ATV picture)
Body armor (knee pads and wrist guards)
Plane tickets (any place not currently at war, so Canada basically)
World of Warcraft gold (only legal WoW gold accepted, so get cracking)
Magazine subscriptions (SciAm, National Geographic, Playboy)
Cookies (all bake off losers can resubmit to me, Cookie Judge in Exile, through my Secretary of Sugar, Mendacious D)
MY MISSING MOTHERFUCKING SWAG COBAGZ!1!2!3!4!5!6!7!8!9!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nudist Camps Barely Maintaining Nubile Memberships

This piece on cracks me up as I sit in front of my computer.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

A Little Odd But Worth It

Bill Richardson has two new ads. They are a little odd but are positive campaign ads and even a little funny. Check them out here.

I still think and Obama/Richardson ticket is cool or possibly a Richardson/Obama ticket. Of the people in the race with a chance to win, these are the two I like best. Kucinich has great ideas, but the poor guy doesn't have a chance. I am willing to vote for a short guy, I don't think height has anything to do with ability to run a country, but most Americans don't seem to like the guy. That's what happens to peacemongers.


If you aren't reading Dr. McNinja, you need to be flying leg kicked in the face.* The new story has zombie ninjas for Jeezusah's sake.

*Somehow, I don't think this sentence will draw fulsome out of his cubby hole, but he might remember the period of sweet innocence in which we learned the awe and might of the old versus the pathetic and weak new.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

An Expression of Solidarity

Matt Boyd, web comic writer of Three Panel Soul and former government contractor, was fired for talking about his potential purchase of a firearm at his office. He was debating the merits of buying a .22 bolt action rifle for target shooting for the accuracy and almost complete lack of lethality. This happened to be the day of, or just after, the Virginia Tech shootings. He was subsequently fired because his coworkers shit themselves when they overheard the wrong part of his conversation.

That is pretty bad, but it gets worse. Apparently, the cops paid him a visit after he posted the comics. I would be immensely pissed if something like that had happened to me. Oh, wait.

He is moving on and apparently moving out. It's kind of like being in an airport customer service line, you can get pissed and throw a fit but in the end you still have to wait in that fucking horrendous line and deal with someone at the end who has dealt with four hundred other pissed off people, so you might as well remain calm and count ceiling tiles.

Good luck with the comic, Mr. Boyd.


Hey everybody, it's The Genius. I am in such a good mood today. Did you hear that Senate Commerce Committee raised the CAFE standards!?! FUCKING FINALLY. I am so psyched, I haven't even read the whole article yet.

Wait a minute. The committee only raised the standards to 35 mpg with a deadline of 2020. Wow. So, we will raise the standards after everyone in the US has asthma. By 2020 the CAFE standard should be at least 50 mpg. The automobile industry has 12 1/2 years to develop new cars and if they can't adapt and are outcompeted by the free market forces of the Prius and its successors then fuck 'em. Ford and GM were great companies once. They helped make both America and the car what it is today. Unfortunately, both America and the car need to face the facts. Smog and air pollution are serious problems and require a serious effort, not some token change more than a decade from now.

Let's move the deadline for the 35 mpg standard to 2012 and then institute a further goal of 50 mpg by 2015. By 2020, make the standard 75 miles to the gallon. If the companies say that they can't match that with current technology, well let's subsidize some fucking research. Get cracking, cobagz.

Friday, May 04, 2007

Friday Embarassing Music: Emergency Water Shut Off Edition

I sit in my apartment waiting for the plumbers to come check out my apartment on this fine Friday morning in May. Since I am phoning in these posts until I sort out my blogging situation, I figured that another music list would be fine. I will list them until they get embarassing.

The Police - Born in the '50s (from Outlandos d'Amour)
DJ Shadow - Dats My Part (from The Outsider)
Deathmole - Quantum Unicorn Horns of Diamon (from Questionable Content, fulsome would like this band, if it were real)
Jehro - Long is the way (I have no recollection of downloading this, Senator)
M.Ward - Today's Undertaking (from Post War)
A Sunny Day in Glasgow - C'Mon (I have no recollection of downloading this, Senator)
Johnny Cash - Solitary Man (from American 3)
Johnny Cash - The Wall (from At Folsom Prison)
Thievery Corporation - From Creation (from The Richest Man in Babylon, which I recommend)
Fink - Biscuits (downloaded from Aurgasm, and it is not exactly convincing me to buy a Fink album)
The Fiery Furnaces - Chief Inspector Blancheflower (from Blueberry Boat, which I recommend)
Jonathan Coulton - Camp Bachelor Alma Mater (downloaded from his site, this is ok)
CCR - Green River (from Chronicle, Vol. 1 which is required for all college students, I think)
Canasta - Just a Star (from We Were Set Up, which I had to order from a store in Madison. How coincidental.)
Dandy Warhols - The Gospel (from Thirteen Tales from Urban Bohemia, not embarassed yet)
Severin24 - Free Chicken (from Underworld, according to the MP3 information, this song sounds like my friend's 5 year old daughter singing with a techno-blues backing band)
The Chemical Brothers - Galaxy Bounce (ok, there it goes. So I like them, bite me.)

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Canasta Plays Tonight in Chicago

If any of you remember this little gem of a comment string on Song of the Day, which I am sure many of you do since you are all devoted fans of The Genius, then you might be interested in the show tonight at Abbey Pub in Chicago featuring Canasta with the Starlight Mints and Ryan Lindsey.

I would totally go, if I was in Chicago.

Does this mean I am back to posting? Or does this mean that I have shot the birds that are nesting in my cable access box? Is a cable access box related to cable access television? Is Wierd Al broadcasting from my living room? These questions and more will be answered soon.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

May Music Menagerie

I'll just list them until WMP pulls up an embarassing selection.

1. Thievery Corporation - Facing East (I paid for this)
2. Elvis Presley - Good Luck Charm (This too)
3. The Evangelicals - Here Comes Trouble (I have no recollection of downloading this)
4. Crystal Method - Broken Glass (not quite embarassing yet)
5. Page France - Beehive State
6. Midlake - Head Home (not sure if I like these guys, sounds too 80s lite rock for me)
7. Ogenki Clinic - First Light (I paid for this on a DJ set double album)
8. Annie - The Crush (aaaaand there goes the embarassing selection)

***Special Three Stars Edition Song of the Day***
Jonathan Coulton - First of May