The Quotable Ex

10. "I've decided I need a hott guy with a six pack. And now I've missed my bus and have to take the Metro, thanks you asshole."
My response: "That's incredibly shallow."
My response ten minutes after she left: "Shit, I can get a six-pack but some asshole at a bar won't have my personality."

9. "I'll see you in November."
My response: "Definitely!"
My response in November: "Why doesn't she return my calls?"

8. In an email: "I am ready to not be with you anymore, don't bother moving out here even though we made those plans last week. I hope you haven't bought the tickets."
My response: To myself at my computer, "You fucking bitch. I'm glad I hadn't bought those tickets."
My response a week later: "FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK! Now what the fuck am I going to do this summer?"

7. "I think you do love me but you won't admit it to yourself."
My response: "I really don't and you are way too needy and insecure for me to entertain notions of continuing this relationship."
My response a week later when she called: "I'm sorry but my feelings haven't changed."

6. "So would you like to have dinner on Thursday?"
My response: "Would this be a date? I was more interested in being friends. When you took your clothes off the other night, I said what the hell, but now I think that there was some miscommunication."
My response a week later, explaining it to my friends: "When I came out of the bathroom, she had her top off and was just sitting on the couch. So I figured we weren't going to watch the rest of the movie."

5. "I love you."
My response: "Ok."
My response the next day: "I'm glad I don't have her phone number because she said I love you on the first date. The time we made out while I was blotto doesn't count because I don't remember it."

4. "I'm really more interested in dating a man with a degree that isn't working in construction."
My response: "Does my situation affect your security clearance?"
My response the next day: "I think she had developed an overly federal mindset, but the CIA does that to you."

3. Okay, I don't really have anything for 3 but not much is going to top number 1 for a while.

2. "Call me when you have money."

1. "You look good on paper."
My response: "Thanks?"
My friend's response two days later: "I have heard a lot of mean things and said some of them during breakups but I have never said anything that harsh." "Gee, thanks, I feel so much better now."