Tuesday, January 05, 2016

Liquid Diets

For 71% of all days, I'm on a 30% liquid diet. In the morning, I drink an instant breakfast with almond milk, then most of a French press of coffee, and then some water. I don't know if I'm losing weight, but I'm certainly suffering for my goals.  Well, not really, I actually enjoy the various fluids I'm ingesting and I get right to going about my day which mostly consists of crawling through the ruins of the imaginary wasteland of Boston.*

My bike is once again set up as a stationary exercise bike in the hopes that I will actually get some exercise this winter.  So far, I know I've changed a little since I last tried this because I've been on the bike more than once.  I'm going for three days on and one day off, and my duration keeps improving.  I'm training to bike across Iowa again with my father this summer.  My brothers all suggest that maybe we both go on a slightly less intimidating ride, like the 38 minute round trip circuit my father makes from his front door to his front door with a stop for a bear claw in the middle.

To my brothers, I say: have you ever tried to tell our father to cut it out?  I haven't had any success with this, but I'm still alive after arguing with him about Chelsea Manning/Edward Snowden and how they are not at all different from the Pentagon Papers and the various Vietnam War era protests except in one way: I haven't programmed Chelsea Manning's VCR, nor have I programmed Edward Snowden's VCR.  Not like either of them would have a VCR anymore, even if they weren't in their respective situations.

The point is that my father is an intimidating man, even when he isn't trying to be, and that is mostly due to his RDVF, Resting Darth Vader Face.  As such, he needs an equally intimidating challenge for a bicycle trip, and this is why he trains for RAGBRAI.  He has said the same thing each year, "I think this will be my last trip, it's not as much fun" or "this is an actual pain in my ass" or "I haven't trained as much, so I probably won't register for the ride" or "your mother would prefer if I didn't go" or "I'm busy teaching this kid advanced algebra with trigonometry so she can go to college to be a homeschooled kid who is a chemical engineer" or "Call The Midwife is on, call me back tomorrow."

When I spoke to him a couple days ago, Father Genius said that he had been on the bike for the last couple days, and didn't think he would be in shape to register, which is exactly what he said last year, and then he registered and only notified me of this on the last possible day to register.  

You can understand my frustrations.  These are twofold: one, my father could be better about letting me know in time that he is actually going, and, two, he is not a thirtysomething, mustachioed genius but he can still ride across Iowa every year while I barely survived the same trip, and, three, my brothers leave it to me to try and convince him to bail on the ride, and, four, that they just don't seem to grasp that it is happening no matter what they say.

So...I guess I'm saying happy new year, cobags!

* As opposed to the actual wasteland of Boston, HAYOO.**

** I havent' been to Boston since 2006, I imagine it has gotten a little better.***

*** Double burn, bro.****

**** Wait, why am I congratulating myself on making fun of Boston?*****

***** You've fallen into old, dumb habits, like excessive asterisk use.******

****** Oh, shit.  You're right.