The Father's Day Post I Totally Meant to Publish a Month Ago

My Dad taught me a lot of different lessons when I was but a wee genius. Some lessons he had to teach me over and over, like the one about the consequences for hitting my younger brother. Other lessons, I only needed to learn once like how to break in to a suburban house without a security system. Some lessons, I am still learning.

My brother is only two years younger than me and we have been basically the same size since as far back as I can remember. Except for his feet. His feet have always been size 14. When he came out of my mom, the doctor shit himself at the size of his feet. My brother was sleep-walking three days later. I have never been an intimidating figure to my younger brother and this has resulted in a number of fights that should have ended with my brother being pummeled and hung by his underwear. Instead, we just fought until my Dad got involved and then I got spanked for fighting. Being a genius, I tried to gain advantage by using tools, as I had seen many nature programs* and knew that tool use is what separates chimps from leopard food. It is enough to say that using a tool in a fight ends with a much more severe punishment. My father was never one to withhold a deserved spanking but he never used a belt. This is a lesson that sinks in only as I write this post.

My father taught me how to be mostly self-sufficient. My parents locked me out of the house for most of my middle school years because my Dad thought I wasn't responsible enough to keep a set of keys, even though both he and mom worked past my school hours. My Dad was not the most responsible guy either because he kept leaving the work shop unlocked until the fifth time I used his tools to break into the house during a rain storm.** After he started locking the workshop, I used his ladders to open the window in my parents bathroom which I knew could never be locked until he finished fixing it.*** I also learned how to cover my tracks by immediately replacing the ladder and closing the window.

My father taught me how to fix a lot of problems around a typical domecile. I watched him re-shingle our house and subsequently learned to be someplace else when Dad was working on the roof.**** I helped him build our workshop and learned a lot about drywall. It is both heavier and more fragile than it first appears. I learned that small jobs frequently become larger jobs once you are finished with the exploratory surgery on, say, the peeling paint on your bathroom door. I learned that a good job requires hard work and that hard work is never easy because good is not spelled e-a-s-y. Or c-h-e-a-p. I learned that electricity flows like water but the two like each other maybe too much. I learned that mowing other people's lawns for cash was the best way to get said cash and also kept me away from the house when my father was working on the roof. I learned that sometimes, you have to dismantle a '70s orange Volvo in your front yard before the neighbors get the hint about asking you to mow your lawn. I also learned that your wife will never forget this. I learned that sometimes a real lemon of a car can still last you 100,000 miles. I also learned that Peugeot station wagons are surprisingly good at off-road driving.*****

Dad, I'll see you soon and I am eager to see what I am going to learn next.

*Wild America < Nature < Steve Irwin
**Step One: Check for open basement windows. Step Two: Check for open ground floor windows. Step Three: Older windows (70 years or so) can be open with a prybar or a durable screwdriver, but will leave tracks. I recommend a shim or other extremely thin tool like a metal ruler to unlock the swivel-lock-doohickey by sliding it between the upper and lower windows. Disclaimer: only use this to gain entry to your own house in a rainstorm. Do not burglarize people's houses, that isn't right.
***I think this was an obtuse lesson in priorities. Second floor bathroom windows are less important than, say, front doors, kitchens, electrical wiring, and insulation.
****Shingles are a BITCH to clean up from the yard, especially after your father starts whipping them into the ground like throwing knives.
*****Some sedans are, too: Dodge Neons and Dodge Spirits, in particular.

Hey Fred Thompson! Remember that time you lobbied for the National Family Planning and Reproductive Health Association?

Fred Thompson is a pretty typical Republican't. Except for the fact that he lobbied for the National Family Planning and Reproductive Health Association (NFPRHA). The website of NFPRHA says:

The National Family Planning and Reproductive Health Association (NFPRHA) is a non-profit membership organization based in Washington, D.C. that has served as an important source of advocacy, education and training for the family planning and reproductive health care field for more than 35 years. NFPRHA's mission is to assure access to voluntary, confidential, comprehensive, culturally sensitive family planning and reproductive health care services and to support reproductive freedom for all. NFPRHA represents providers of care: public, private, domestic and international as well as researchers, educators, consumers and advocates. NFPRHA members provide reproductive health care services at nearly 4,500 clinics to more than 4 million women annually.

This is an organization that matches my political ideals and is the EXACT ANTITHESIS OF EVERY REPUBLICAN'TS'.

If Fred Thompson wants to support an organization like NFPRHA, that is great and more people should, but I would appreciate it if he would be more honest in his rhetoric. Of course, I should remember that Republican'ts are rarely honest about anything. Instead, they issue denials. If Fred Thompson had been a customer at my former place of employment, I imagine a typical conversation would go something like this:

ME: Mr. Thompson, your account has a rather severe late fee and I'm afraid you have to pay this before I can let you rent...If These Walls Could Talk?
FT: There is no possible way I could have accrued any late fees.
ME: Well, our records indicate that you kept Bloodrayne, Alone in the Dark and House of the Dead for more than three weeks.
FT: No I didn't.
ME: Remember that part in Bloodrayne where Meatloaf is surrounded by all those naked Romanian hookers? Wasn't that great?
FT: Yeah, that was awesome! I watched that over and over for weeks!
ME: This is the part in the conversation where you admit to keeping the movies for three weeks and pay the late fees. I'll even let you use campaign contributions.
FT: I didn't keep those movies for three weeks.
ME: You just said you watched Bloodrayne for weeks.
FT: No I didn't.

And so on.

Some people rush to defend Thompson because they just love him on Law & Order. As much as it pains me to link to Paste Line Blog:

But a lobbyist, like lawyers in general, represents clients. To assume that a lawyer always agrees with the clients he represents is not only juvenile, it tends to undercut the premises on which our legal system is based. A lawyer needs to be able to represent, for example, a man accused of homicide without being labeled pro-murder.

This is technically true. For a public defender. If we look at the text of the LA Times piece:

Fred D. Thompson, who is campaigning for president as an antiabortion Republican, accepted an assignment from a family-planning group to lobby the first Bush White House to ease a controversial abortion restriction, according to a 1991 document and several people familiar with the matter.

We find a different story. Lobbyists are not soldiers who must march off to war regardless of the feeble justifications and outright lies of their Commander in Chief.

Fred Thompson's flunky, Mark Corallo, "adamantly denied that Thompson worked for the family planning group.'Fred Thompson did not lobby for this group, period,'" according to the same LA Times article. Mark Corallo is not one to let the facts deter him: both former President of NFPRHA Judith DeSarno and former Representative Michael Barnes say that Thompson accepted the lobbying job.

The situation boils down to this: Thompson has a mighty big skeleton in his closet that makes him look like a munchwad. I almost used the word hypocritical before munchwad in that sentence, but really for a Republican't to take money from one group and then claim to support the other side of the argument is standard operating procedure. Rather like Cheney's infinite deferments or Bush's invisible tenure at the National Guard. Maybe Thompson is exactly the candidate the party needs.

If I weren't such a lazy bastard, I would have blogged this yesterday when my source contacted me to show me this. Maybe I would have beaten the Huffington Post to the punch.

Captain Helob and the Continuing Adventures Through Subarachnoid Space!

NOW IN 3-D!

WATCH IN STUNNING THREE DIMENSIONAL PROJECTIVATION WHILE CAPTAIN HELOB SEARCHES THROUGH ALL 8 DIMENSIONS FOR THE DIVINO-TETRAHEDRON!!!

THRILL AS THE INTREPID CREW OF THE ENDEAVORING INTREPIDOR SCOUR SPACE, TIME, SPACE-TIME AND ALL THE TIME-SPACE FOR THAT MOST SACRED OF ITEMS WHICH MUST NEVER BE ALLOWED TO FALL INTO ENEMY HANDS!!!

SHOCK AS YOU SEE ALIENS NEVER BEFORE DREAMT IN OUR ANATOMIES!!!

AWE AS YOU WITNESS EFFECTS PREVIOUSLY UNSEEN IN MOVIES FOR 20 YEARS!!!

This is Not Me

Some people collect stamps. Some people collect other stuff. The only advice I have is for the guy. GO BUY A RING AND MARRY HER, YOU DUMB MORON. Any woman willing to move in with you and not throw away your stuff when you go to work is an amazing woman and you will never be able to display the devotion she has, just by agreeing to move in with you.

My Nephew Has Really Grown Up in the Last Month

I am staying with dandrobium and his family for the weekend. For those of you that don't already know, dandrobium is one of my Brothers of Indeterminate Number. His lovely and talented wife, julenopsis, comes home and picks up her fascinatingly intelligent son, GeniusNephew. GeniusNephew has a vocabulary that rivals mine and has some curious opinions about gender roles as they relate to cars and trucks. julenopsis makes some comments about how a friend of hers called her a MILF at some point in the day. julenopsis' mother asks what a MILF is. julenopsis replies that a MILF is a "Mom I'd Like to Fool Around With." At this point, my nehpew decides to say, "MILF!" I giggle. My nephew looks at me and smiles and says, "MILF!" I crack up. julenopsis says, "Honey, don't say MILF!" GeniusNephew says, "MILF!" I lose it completely. GeniusNephew starts saying MILF over and over and I am hell and gone laughing my face off. dandrobium tries to get me to quit laughing by saying that is only encouraging GeniusNephew. I don't care because I can't stop laughing.

I couldn't get my nephew to say "Gender Roles" when he insisted that the biggest truck in the alley behind his house was definitely a man's truck.

Somebody is Missing the Point

These are not Air Guitars. Read this book and understand.

8 Things I Hate About You

First, a little preramble. There are times when I want to write more stuff about my life, but lately events have changed the way I feel about that. There are more people reading this blog than before the Tucker Incident, but that is okay. One of them is my boss (I HAVE KNOWN FOR A LONG TIME, DO US BOTH A FAVOR AND STOP) and this presents me with a conundrum. I want to feel free to write again, but I don't like my coworkers to be included in everything about my life. If I want them to know about my life, I'll tell them. My brothers also read this, but I am not worried about them reading it, even if it does eventually filter back to my parents though I have no reason to suspect that it has or will.

I am a little concerned with the difference between the way I write about myself and the way I write about other topics, although to be honest my posts since March have all been of lower quality than I like. For instance, how do I follow a post with three links to a plane flight with overflowing toilets with a post about my dating foibles and seem at all genuine? How do I get righteously angry about major issues in federal and global politics while bitching about all the dogshit cluttering my neighborhood sidewalks?* How do maintain any sort of emotional authenticity when the thing I am most known for is joking about having an 80 foot penis?** Maybe I should just say fuck it all! Damn the cognitive dissonance and full blog ahead!

Random fact number 1: I am very colorblind. The best explanation is that the 8 box of Crayola crayons is perfect for me but if you give me the 64 or 128 box, you might as well just punch me in the nuts.

Random fact number 2: I like to sing in my apartment, but totally choke at kareoke. I do not choke if I need to use the announcer voice, just sing. I was rather relieved when the DJ in Chicago denied our song picks, even though he was being a total cobag.

Random fact number 3: I used to be afraid of heights. I was unemployed and I took a job with a gutter cleaning company. I got over that fear really quick.

Random fact number 4: I am not claustrophobic but I think caving would freak me the fuck out, even had I not seen The Descent.

Random fact number 5: I stick to my principles, to the point of getting out of bed with a girl who had voted for Bush in 2004. BEFORE anything sexy happened. Republicans don't deserve the Wang.

Random fact number 6: I play World of Warcraft. This is not very new, but the following information is: Realm: Cenarius. Horde: Chazme, Gorhead, and Tezcatlipoca. Alliance: Haznabel. If this means anything to you, look me up and we'll go questing. We might even find some unicorns.

Random fact number 7: I like to say that I paint and write. When women call me a painter and a writer, I don't disclose that I paint these guys and write blogs. Romance is honesty blended with deception, battered with banter, sauteed in mystery and served with a nice fruity beer.

Random fact number 8: Depending on your interpretation of Article 2, Section 1 of the US Constitution, I can never become President. My parents are two American citizens who were on assignment overseas with the US government when I was born. I only recently passed the required 14 years of residence in the US.***

No person except a natural born citizen, or a citizen of the United States, at the time of the adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the office of President; neither shall any person be eligible to that office who shall not have attained to the age of thirty five years, and been fourteen Years a resident within the United States.

Thanks to Cornell Law School for the Constitution citation.

*I think they are both linked in my mind, if we were better people and thought of our effect on other's lives, we would pick up our dog's shit and stop wars.
**And that's just the girth!
***Despite all this, I was a rather sheltered child and remain rather sheltered. Some might describe my life as charmed/cursed, given my luck with meeting famous people and women.

Birthday Wish List Item #41

Buy me one these. I would roam around the metro area's highways and vapoohrize tires just for the fun of it. I could sell off the leftovers. Leftovers like diesel oil and steel.

Speaking of Dirty Jobs, And Flowing Shit

1949 was a good year for DC. Lots of infrastructure expansion going on, homes being built, people moving into town. Homes have since been rebuilt, fixed up and generally well maintained. People have likewise been maintained. The roads and power system of DC and the surrounding area have been maintained as cheaply as possible which keeps costs down over the years, I guess. Unfortunately, the sewer systems in DC and Maryland have been shat on for the last 60 years. According to various articles, the sewer systems in DC and Maryland need a massive overhaul. I know it is FOX but check out this video. That last bit? The part where the guy says that rates are going to climb next year? Really looking forward to that. I am sure that my rent will be affected. I am paying the price for decades of neglect and an unsurprising lack of foresight by essentially everyone. That is the American Way, pass the check off to your children and grandchildren.

I am not angry that I have to pay it, someone did, but I will get angry if people don't start to fucking learn the lesson.

Mike Rowe Has Always Been Funny

I have seen a few episodes of Dirty Jobs or as some call it the World's Dirtiest, Nastiest Fucking Filthy Jobs or as some small select group may call it, Mike Rowe Will Do Anything For That Dollar.

But these videos show that he has always been a wiseass which I respect.

Tuesday Random 17

Because I feel like it.

1. Tu n'appartiens qu'a moi - Nous Non Plus
2. Ny Batteri - Sigur Ros
3. Falling Slowly - Glen Hansard from the Once soundtrack - Just fucking go see this movie already. Stop being a dork and go see it.
4. Hot Bat - Man Man
5. You Got Me - Elk City - I must have downloaded this, but I don't remember when. Upbeat but not annoying, I could hear more.
6. Meu Destino - Thievery Corporation - I am surprised it took this long into this list to show up.
7. On Fire - Sebadoh
8. Got Me Wrong - Alice in Chains - Why did I buy the Clerks soundtrack? Probably the Chewbacca song.
9. Until the Morning - Thievery Corporation - Emiliana Torrini sings on this one. She has a voice I like.
10. The World Looks Red - Sonic Youth
11. Seein Thangs - David Banner - From DJ Shadow's hip hop album The Outsider. I like a variety, alright? Fuck you, Pinko Punko, I like what I like.
12. Wolves - Josh Ritter - I wish this was a higher quality version, but I will just have to burn it and listen to it on my CD player instead of my computer.
13. Sleep - The Dandy Warhols - I am not a huge fan of this song.
14. Hopscotch Willie - Stephen Malkmus - I know he is some sort of indie rock messiah, but this recording blows. The fault of that lies entirely with the fact that is a bootleg, I think.
15. The Spark That Bled - The Flaming Lips - I still like this album, even though I feel that At War With the Mystics is better and Transmissions from the Satellite Heart is more genuine.
16. A Boy Named Sue - Johnny Cash (written with Dylan, I think) This is and always will be a great song. Maybe one day, I'll get to murder it in a horrific kareoke performance.
17. The Essence - Herbie Hancock - It's good.

That's a Crappy Plane Flight

Oh

My

God.

Dick Cheney Provides More Reasons to Impeach Him, Too

He has no frigging clue about the structure of our government. Cheney's office has told the National Archives that it does not consider itself a part of the Executive Office. As one of the commenters pointed out, that means that the Office of the Vice President is no longer covered by Executive Priviledge. Subpeonas all round, boys! I'm buying!

WOWZA! PEPCO Bills Go Through the Roof

I got a bit of a shock when I opened my PEPCO bill this morning. PEPCO claims that I used 9490 kilowatt hours in the last billing cycle. I switched apartments within the same building in February and have paid bills since then. If I remember correctly, I paid for February through March in April and then paid relatively on time in May (ACTUALLY, I DIDN'T PAY IN MAY, MY BAD). My usual usage is about twenty dollars in the winter (we have gas heating) and my biggest summer bill was forty-eight dollars and I was running the AC all evening. Now PEPCO claims that I owe them over one thousand dollars for the latest billing cycle. I know that rates rise in the summer but that is a little extreme. I will have to lodge some sort of protest and get this checked out.

I have vague recollections, that may just be wishful thinking, of news stories from last summer about people getting excessively large bills when PEPCO switched to the summer rates. If I were to add up all of my previous bills, I doubt they would be this high.

11:45 PM Wednesday, MORE INFORMATION FOR THOSE WHO CARE: I used 470 KWH hours from March 18th to April 13th, or some thing like that. I forgot to pay that bill because I am a disorganized person. Two months at that usage rate would be about 940 KWH which makes a bit of sense. The bill has a "multiplier" of 10 to determine the KWH and it seems reasonable to think that the meter reading was just multiplied by 10 a second time. I have called PEPCO and they opened an investigation. I should hear back in 48-72 hours. The representative asked me if I had installed any new appliances. I almost responded with, "Well, I do have this particle accelerator and I have been running it a lot." It's a 60 year old 435 square foot apartment, how the hell could I use 10 freaking MEGAWATTS without tripping every breaker in the building and burning the place to the ground?

This Shit is Out of Control

Two incidents last week were an odd counter point to the annoyance of general existence in DC.

Somebody shit all over the Capitol Building. I can almost sympathize with this. There I times that I want to take a dump for change. Or just poop on some Senators.

I also sympathize with the people that called the bomb squad and a hazmat team over a dirty diaper. Diapers are frigging lethal if left to ferment.

One point of outrage: the Virginia legislature and Governor's office are apparently determined to ignore the advice of urban planners and the will of the people. Tim fucking Kaine and the other fucking dipshits supporting the overhead version of the proposed Metro expansion in Virginia have their heads so far up their asses, they can see what they had for lunch two months ago. Let's look forward, jackasses, to the future that is coming whether you fucking like it or not. Gas is never getting cheaper. We will never be able to breath engine exhaust. Step up and take a stance that won't be regarded as boneheaded and ass backward for the next hundred years. Plan for those hundred years and bury the Metro line and create a pedestrian friendly Tyson's Corner. Help usher in a Northern Virginia that is ready for the population expansion of the future and the long delayed but inevitable cost of the automobile culture. Imagine a Virginia that doesn't require 45 minutes to travel three miles. Have some fucking foresight.

Chicago, Tonight is Your Night to ROCK!!!

Super secret sexy spy friends send us this message: Air Guitar in Sight!

I urge everyone to go and cheer for the champ and even for the not so champy contestants. Great fun and they probably sell beer, possibly even Leinenkugel's Berry Weiss.

C Diddy the US' first champion (Sorry Bjorn):


Background information for those who need to be spoon fed:


Airobicize?

Confidential to Someone

I want it to be next weekend so fucking bad it hurts.

Another Post in Solidarity

Thanks to a super secret sexy friend, I learned about this piece of bullshit. A projectionist, Jesse Morrison, who writes movie reviews for Ain't It Cool News, Malco's movie blog and a circular that was distributed at the theater was fired over a negative review of Craptastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer.* According to the sack of shit that fired him, "...this boy knew what he was doing was the wrong thing. ...He was in a position of trust and he violated that trust." This corporate, spineless turd had a valid point in terminating Mr. Morrison, AKA Memflix, if the guy had been writing without the knowledge of the company. EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT MEMFLIX HAD BEEN WRITING REVIEWS FOR THEIR OWN MOVIE BLOG AND THEY HAD BEEN DISTRIBUTING FLIERS OF THESE REVIEWS AT THE FUCKING THEATER!

Guess what, jackass? I hope Memflix sues you for wrongful termination or at the very least organizes a protest of your chain of theaters. What a pile of crap. The chain knew exactly what this projectionist was doing and approved of it until he wrote a review that the movie's distribution company disliked. This is such total and complete fucking crap.

Ain't It Cool

Malco: Let the fuckers know how you feel.

*I have not seen this movie, but since it is connected to the first one, I deem it likely to be just as asseriffic. I could be wrong, but I am not spending money to find out.

Videos from the 2007 DC Air Guitar Championships

A clip show that does not feature The Masturbating Booger but does feature the wardrobe malfunction pants:


The Runner Up:


The Winner of the DC Championships with his compulsory song performance:

That Most Wonderful Time of the Year

AIR GUITAR SEASON!!!!!!

Last night, I had tickets to the DC Air Guitar Championships. I was, and remain, annoyingly sick and only planned on picking up my tickets from the window and giving them to my friends, but I failed. I stayed for the whole thing and I am a better shredder for it even if I still feel sick.

The show was awesome. There were 24 contestants, ranging in age from 17 to 71. Some were brilliant and some less than excellent. My favorite moment was when this one dude comes out glammed out to the yin-yang and beyond and calls himself Blitzkrieg and the older gentleman standing next to me says, "That's my son!" Blitzkrieg was the fourth or fifth contestant and really knocked shit into the red line. I thought he was better than one of the people who made it into the second round, but the judges didn't.

The top five competitors were Goat-Man Grogan, RT "The Soul Man", 'Ed Banger, Lance "The Shred" Kasten, and Couch Potato. Goat-Man Grogan whipped out crazy atheleticism and worked the axe like a man possesed. The Soul Man had a more subdued style but managed to convincingly rock both the left and the right handed guitars. 'Ed Banger played to the crowd with the power stance, heck he practically played in the crowd! The Shred was furious and played with amazing energy to take the DC title. Couch Potato rocked the alt-country vibe with precision and style. Worthy rockers all.

Special praise must go to the 6'10" 300 pound "Metal Coursing Through His Veins" Vlad D.M. Wailer who thrashed out to the Transformers Movie theme. This beast dwarfed Bjorn Turoque and still managed some impressive hops and really got the crowd going nuts. Sadly, he did not make the top five, but he wins special place just for song choice.

I hope to find some clips on YouTube or the Goog soon, but as yet have struck out.

I can not stress enough how much fun this show is. If there is a regional championship happening in your area, definitely go. Get down off your lonely hipster ledge and laugh at yourself as you cheer for someone that is on stage without any instruments. The Air Guitar Championship schedule is here.

Everyone Loves Free Shows!

Fort Reno is just a short bus ride away from my neighborhood. If you don't know anything about the history of DC, the designer was asked to include defensive forts and circles for artillery emplacements around the city, in case of attack. When the British attacked the city during the war of 1812, these plans were not quite up to the task. Now, the forts are great places to have free concerts while the circles are just traffic hazards. On Mondays and Thursdays during the summer, Fort Reno has free concerts providing that our weather holds clear.

Here's the schedule. DC also has Screen on the Green during the summer but sadly, no Mai Fest with mugs of Maibock.

The Score, or How to End a Pork Snorkel Before It Really Begins

La Pasadita Ultimate Barbacoa Burrito: 1.
The Genius: 0

This freaking burrito is as big as it looks and just as obnoxious. (Unfortunately, the archives of Well Rounded Nerds do not permit me to find that post at the moment.) The barbacoa was cooked to a state that could be called sub-rare. This is not exactly desirable when you are already worried about the hygiene of the establishment. My colleague in consumption had expressed concern about the ripeness of the pico de gallo prior to our meal's arrival. I was able to try the pico, green salsa and the reportedly heavenly black salsa. I am a fan of the spicy food, much like my adorable nephew, but I was not impressed with either topping. I was forced to concur with my esteemed compatriot. These salsa-esque food products were perhaps too genuine. But back to the burrito.

I forced myself to ignore the rare-ness of the meat and instead enjoyed the rice, lettuce, guac, beans and cheese. There was not enough of either to over power the burrito or take away from the flavor of the meat. This was almost unfortunate as the meat could have been flavored more. In fact, it would have been nice if it had been flavored at all. It tasted like and undercoooked flank stank that maybe had a jar of spice waved in its general direction. Still, I wasn't only there to enjoy it so much as to climb the fucking Everest of Burritos. To carry this metaphor to a stupid conclusion, I got altitude sickness and had to carried down the mountain weighing thirty pounds more than when I started climbing.

The worst part wasn't the pain of my belly, but the full knowledge from the moment I left the establishment that this too would pass. I ate the burrito at 3 PM on Saturday and had no desire to eat anything until 1 pm on Sunday. Even then, I was only mildly peckish.

However, at 5:45 PM Sunday afternoon, I knew that it was time. I managed to hold everything together until 6:04 PM, mostly to give the other patrons of Intelligentsia on Broadway a chance to use the bathroom before I rendered it unfit for human, animal or silicon-nanotube based lifeforms.

The EPA has since rendered that establishment a Superfund site. I'm sorry.

The Guitars Are Sobbing Ungently

I am rocking the fuck out of Chicago tonight. The Pretentious Bastard is currently hacking his way through Woman on Medium. We are working our way through medium to get as many songs as possible unlocked. I was asked to do an encore of Sweet Child of Mine. I got three stars. Rather like my college career, I can not seem to avoid fucking up for long enough to secure a score above 88%. We are playing Guitar Hero 2 on an XBox 360 with a HD TV that is approximately .32 Wangs, just slightly smaller than Clif's.

We are stuck on Trgodor as originally performed by Strong Bad.

Please pardon any typos as I am using both a Mac and cramped hands from all the rocking. Earlier, we attempted to engage in some light hearted kareoke. The DJ stiffed us and we left after loudly disparaging the DJ with our compatriots.

Hope remains for further rocking.

Two Words For Everyone

PORK SNORKEL!!!!!!!!!!!!

What: Eating.
When: Saturday
Where: TBD
Why: I need a reason?
How: With food

"There but for the grace of Pork go I."

Guitar Hero Sited

This is what a guitar hero looks like:

Another Thing

R Stevens is funny. If you aren't reading Diesel Sweeties, you suck. It is linked down on the right under "Daily Reads". Also, LOLBOTS. The Replicant one is brilliant.

A Few Things Before I Wander Off Again

Work has become interesting again. You must be wondering, "how interesting, Genius?" Interesting enough that I am wearing office clothes to work again instead of a t-shirt and shorts. I have done a lot for the office, but most of it has just been the standard stuff for my position. The two real contributions I have made have been equipment. I stubbornly refused to follow my boss' order to stop researching credit card machines and have purchased three for the office that have already saved of tens of thousands of dollars in transaction fees and temp costs. I have also purchased booth lights that help us in our exhibit space at the conferences. Both of these things have helped the company look more professional at our conference and improved the quality of the experience. Also, they made me look good.

We are going through a rough patch at the office and the CEO has been out on "vacation" for the last two months and will likely be out until August. This leaves us in a tight spot since we need to start planning our conference. Also, our extra sales have been sagging badly. Our individual sales are down to 10% of 2005 numbers. I have wanted to get a full sales website set up since I started working for this company and now it looks like I am going to get my wish. I asked one of our design people about it and he directed me to our website designer. This project is going to be my baby for the next few months and when it is done, it will be a great revenue source and a fine point on my resume. Hell, it's only 10 more months until my next salary negotiation and this will be huge.

If it works.

People blather on about how every job is what you make it and blah blah blah. Maybe with the boss out and a new motiviation, I can finally cross #7 off my list of things to do before I die.

#7: Perform a succesful coup d'etat.

More Ninja Stuff

I was watching Mythbusters last night and I realized two things: that show looks like a lot of fun and work to make and that it has been a long time since I posted anything about ninjas. This post is not about ninjas except how they relate to Mythbusters. The Mythbusters did a whole show on three ninja myths: catching an arrow in flight, stopping a sword over your head with your hands and running across water. I won't reveal the results but I will say that the Ask-A-Ninja ninja showed up at the end and you can see the bonus footage here.

Friday Afternoon Means Another Music Post

You can find those at every other blog in the 'sphere.

I am more concerned with this.

Update on the Fire Hydrant Situation

A crew replaced the broken hydrant in front of my apartment yesterday. All you tokers in my building may feel free to light another spliff, but I would still prefer it if you didn't set fire to the building. Just in case.

Apparently the situation around the city just keeps getting worse however. The DC Fire Chief is saying that it looks like more than 25% of the hydrants in DC aren't working. The WASA General Manager is saying "that only a fraction of hydrants are out of service." That is technically correct. 25% can also be called one quarter which we all know is a fraction of a whole.

Jackass.

According to Some Definitions, Yes

I am alive. I am still sick. I am willing to look around the internets.

Look at the new thing that I must avoid: Lol President.

I will resist temptation.

Don't Drop That Doobie

For Immediate Release: Attention all you potheads in my apartment building! PLEASE DO NOT DROP YOUR DOOBIES OR JOINTS OR BATS OR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU CALL YOUR FLAMING HERB WRAPPED IN PAPER. The fire hydrant outside our apartment bulding has one of the service tags that have popped up all over the city in the last week. It turns out that about 11 percent of the hydrants in DC need urgent repair. This seriously hampered the efforts to put out the fire that nearly totally destroyed the historic Georgetown Public Library. By seriously hampered, I mean the fucking library almost burned to the fucking ground!

So, please, you stoned motherfuckers, DON'T DROP THAT DOOBIE!

And to the jackass that thinks that lighting 40 fucking sticks of incense will cover up the smell of your habit, we know. We all fucking know. We also know which apartment you are because we can see the clouds of incense billowing out from under your untowelled door. Who do you think you are kidding? Why do you even bother? I am the only person in the bulding that doesn't burn one every damn hour. The pot smoke and collateral damage high I can handle, but your goddam incense makes my eyes water and face itch. Just stop. Go eat some kitty litter if you are feeling paranoid, I hear that works well.

Two Quick Comments Before I Run to Work

Scott Kurtz may be a lot of geeks' favorite punching bag, but I think PVP is sometimes funny. I have been moving away from it lately, as I find it seriously losing steam. I may have lost interest completely with this totally lame retread joke from Family Guy. The joke was funny when Family Guy did it because that show is a slim plot surrounded by pop culture jokes and bizarre asides and because Family Guy might as well be a sketch comedy show, but here on PVP it just seems lame and reinforces all the negative aspects of Family Guy-type humor. Furthermore, to have your father try to defend your humor and originality hammers home the complete lack of effort you are giving your work these days. Maybe PVP the series is taking away too much of your attention, but I am not going to pay money to find out.

No critique is fair without a suggestion of how to correct the mistakes*, so I would suggest you move back to your storyline gags about working in a magazine by gamers for gamers. Maybe you dump the WB** style romances, unless they are funny, to satisfy other critics, but I don't really care as long as it is funny.***

In other news, this story about a Tintin trilogy has me simultaneously hopeful and totally depressed. Peter Jackson and Guillermo del Toro would indubitably do fine work but Spielberg and Burton can not be trusted. Fucking Burton would probably shoe-horn Fucking Johnny Fucking Depp in the roles of Tintin, Captain Haddock, the Fucking Dog and whoever the Fucking Villain is, too. Seriously, Burton, you have lost your way and need to find it again. I don't know what happened to you with Planet of the Apes, but go watch Sleepy Hollow again and figure that shit out before you direct or re-imagine again.

*Nor is arrogance served without telling someone who is eminently more succesful than you how to run their online empire.
**Sorry, I meant the CW but who really gives a shit?
***Also, in the grand tradition of internet shit tossing, the other critics are stupid and wrong by the very fact that they aren't me.

RNC Not Only Ones to Refuse to Get "It"

I am laughing at this post on RedState. Erick seems to think that Calvert is the only corrupt Republican't in the House of Representatives. The corruption of your party is fucking institutional, you poor deluded bastard.

The Season Doth Approacheth

At some point in the geologically near future, the world will mark the passage of a new year in its abitrarily decided summation of days into months, weeks and years. This particular date of somewhat poorly recognized but deeply needed, wanted, desired, required passage is one of great import for you denizens of this arcane and strangely arousing network of computotrons and, perhaps, even for those who do not yet know of the awesomely majestic glory of The Genius. This day has been celebrated for the past number of centons, microns, yahrens and, sigh, even the mundane human notation of years as day of much song and dance and anger and abuse of siblings. There are some among you that might surmise that they know of which I type. Those of you would be wise to contact all colonies, extremities and externalities to remind them of that which can never be far from their minds: MY BIRTHDAY.

I hereby publish a list so that the adoring masses may shower my phenomenally beautious countenance with the praise and gifts that I so richly deserve. All are advised that receipts are required with all gifts, as situations involving so many loyal subjects inevitably result in gift duplication.

A food processor (better be quality, too, or heads will fucking roll)
The Venture Bros. (Seasons 1 or 2)
Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law (any and all available seasons)
Willing nubile women (aged 18+)
A suitably amusing or cool mousepad (think Ultimate ATV picture)
Body armor (knee pads and wrist guards)
Plane tickets (any place not currently at war, so Canada basically)
World of Warcraft gold (only legal WoW gold accepted, so get cracking)
Magazine subscriptions (SciAm, National Geographic, Playboy)
Cookies (all bake off losers can resubmit to me, Cookie Judge in Exile, through my Secretary of Sugar, Mendacious D)
MY MISSING MOTHERFUCKING SWAG COBAGZ!1!2!3!4!5!6!7!8!9!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nudist Camps Barely Maintaining Nubile Memberships

This piece on CNN.com cracks me up as I sit in front of my computer.

A Little Odd But Worth It

Bill Richardson has two new ads. They are a little odd but are positive campaign ads and even a little funny. Check them out here.

I still think and Obama/Richardson ticket is cool or possibly a Richardson/Obama ticket. Of the people in the race with a chance to win, these are the two I like best. Kucinich has great ideas, but the poor guy doesn't have a chance. I am willing to vote for a short guy, I don't think height has anything to do with ability to run a country, but most Americans don't seem to like the guy. That's what happens to peacemongers.

Honestly

If you aren't reading Dr. McNinja, you need to be flying leg kicked in the face.* The new story has zombie ninjas for Jeezusah's sake.

*Somehow, I don't think this sentence will draw fulsome out of his cubby hole, but he might remember the period of sweet innocence in which we learned the awe and might of the old versus the pathetic and weak new.

An Expression of Solidarity

Matt Boyd, web comic writer of Three Panel Soul and former government contractor, was fired for talking about his potential purchase of a firearm at his office. He was debating the merits of buying a .22 bolt action rifle for target shooting for the accuracy and almost complete lack of lethality. This happened to be the day of, or just after, the Virginia Tech shootings. He was subsequently fired because his coworkers shit themselves when they overheard the wrong part of his conversation.

That is pretty bad, but it gets worse. Apparently, the cops paid him a visit after he posted the comics. I would be immensely pissed if something like that had happened to me. Oh, wait.

He is moving on and apparently moving out. It's kind of like being in an airport customer service line, you can get pissed and throw a fit but in the end you still have to wait in that fucking horrendous line and deal with someone at the end who has dealt with four hundred other pissed off people, so you might as well remain calm and count ceiling tiles.

Good luck with the comic, Mr. Boyd.

WOW! HOLY SHIT! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT BUTTER!

Hey everybody, it's The Genius. I am in such a good mood today. Did you hear that Senate Commerce Committee raised the CAFE standards!?! FUCKING FINALLY. I am so psyched, I haven't even read the whole article yet.

Wait a minute. The committee only raised the standards to 35 mpg with a deadline of 2020. Wow. So, we will raise the standards after everyone in the US has asthma. By 2020 the CAFE standard should be at least 50 mpg. The automobile industry has 12 1/2 years to develop new cars and if they can't adapt and are outcompeted by the free market forces of the Prius and its successors then fuck 'em. Ford and GM were great companies once. They helped make both America and the car what it is today. Unfortunately, both America and the car need to face the facts. Smog and air pollution are serious problems and require a serious effort, not some token change more than a decade from now.

Let's move the deadline for the 35 mpg standard to 2012 and then institute a further goal of 50 mpg by 2015. By 2020, make the standard 75 miles to the gallon. If the companies say that they can't match that with current technology, well let's subsidize some fucking research. Get cracking, cobagz.

Friday Embarassing Music: Emergency Water Shut Off Edition

I sit in my apartment waiting for the plumbers to come check out my apartment on this fine Friday morning in May. Since I am phoning in these posts until I sort out my blogging situation, I figured that another music list would be fine. I will list them until they get embarassing.

The Police - Born in the '50s (from Outlandos d'Amour)
DJ Shadow - Dats My Part (from The Outsider)
Deathmole - Quantum Unicorn Horns of Diamon (from Questionable Content, fulsome would like this band, if it were real)
Jehro - Long is the way (I have no recollection of downloading this, Senator)
M.Ward - Today's Undertaking (from Post War)
A Sunny Day in Glasgow - C'Mon (I have no recollection of downloading this, Senator)
Johnny Cash - Solitary Man (from American 3)
Johnny Cash - The Wall (from At Folsom Prison)
Thievery Corporation - From Creation (from The Richest Man in Babylon, which I recommend)
Fink - Biscuits (downloaded from Aurgasm, and it is not exactly convincing me to buy a Fink album)
The Fiery Furnaces - Chief Inspector Blancheflower (from Blueberry Boat, which I recommend)
Jonathan Coulton - Camp Bachelor Alma Mater (downloaded from his site, this is ok)
CCR - Green River (from Chronicle, Vol. 1 which is required for all college students, I think)
Canasta - Just a Star (from We Were Set Up, which I had to order from a store in Madison. How coincidental.)
Dandy Warhols - The Gospel (from Thirteen Tales from Urban Bohemia, not embarassed yet)
Severin24 - Free Chicken (from Underworld, according to the MP3 information, this song sounds like my friend's 5 year old daughter singing with a techno-blues backing band)
The Chemical Brothers - Galaxy Bounce (ok, there it goes. So I like them, bite me.)

Canasta Plays Tonight in Chicago

If any of you remember this little gem of a comment string on Song of the Day, which I am sure many of you do since you are all devoted fans of The Genius, then you might be interested in the show tonight at Abbey Pub in Chicago featuring Canasta with the Starlight Mints and Ryan Lindsey.

I would totally go, if I was in Chicago.

Does this mean I am back to posting? Or does this mean that I have shot the birds that are nesting in my cable access box? Is a cable access box related to cable access television? Is Wierd Al broadcasting from my living room? These questions and more will be answered soon.

May Music Menagerie

I'll just list them until WMP pulls up an embarassing selection.

1. Thievery Corporation - Facing East (I paid for this)
2. Elvis Presley - Good Luck Charm (This too)
3. The Evangelicals - Here Comes Trouble (I have no recollection of downloading this)
4. Crystal Method - Broken Glass (not quite embarassing yet)
5. Page France - Beehive State
6. Midlake - Head Home (not sure if I like these guys, sounds too 80s lite rock for me)
7. Ogenki Clinic - First Light (I paid for this on a DJ set double album)
8. Annie - The Crush (aaaaand there goes the embarassing selection)

***Special Three Stars Edition Song of the Day***
Jonathan Coulton - First of May

Review of The King of Kong

My review of The King of Kong is hosted here.

Monday

It's Monday and I have a mild situation.

I remembered a really lame song I wrote when I lived in San Francisco. More on that later.

It's raining

Rain rain rain rain rain. I have an inside line on some poodles if anyone wants to buy one. Just don't look a gift poodle in the hoof.

Here's a good one

15 Things Kurt Vonnegut Said Better Than Anyone Else Ever Has or Will.

The AV Club continues to rock my brain.

Perhaps it is time for the funny?

My mind is a weird place. I am not unusual in this regard. I am perhpas unusual in the frequency and variation of my peculiarities. Evidence: I argue with pretty women about global warming and then they decide that they never want to see me again. Also, I refuse to date anyone that voted for Bush in 2004. That kind of willful disregard for the truth is the same as denying global warming. Further evidence: This paragraph. I did not start this paragraph to talk about global warming and how it is destroying my love unlife. I started it to somehow find a way to segue into the claim that my mind is a strip club.

Rather like the nudity buffer or the water closet of Patrick's love, I am constantly bombarded with boobs in my bored brain. Either that or I should drink more water because I am becoming dehydrated by the sudden onset of 80 degree weather in DC. I am not complaining about the heat, I am merely adjusting to it.

Perhaps I just wanted to share a funny thing I said in reference to the Spice Girls:
"They dance for me, every now and then, in the strip club of my mind."

Memories, in the strip club of my miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiind.

And now a little something from Jeff, my favorite character on TV ever and the one I probably resemble most (definitely NOT fucking goddamn dumbshit CHANDLER):

Jeff: When God made the arse, he didn't say, 'Hey, it's just your basic hinge, let's knock off early.' He said, 'Behold ye angels, I have created the arse. Throughout the ages to come, men and women shall grab hold of these, and shout my name!

Earth Day with The Genius

I spent Sunday with one of my brothers and his wife. They came over and we walked along the canal and found a spot for a picnic by the Potomac River out on the boat launch/concrete patio that is west of Chain Bridge. I don't know why the patio thing was built but it is a nice place for a picnic. There is no shade, so bring your sunblock. The river is pretty wild at that point and it drowns out the nearby highways completely and most of the aircraft noise from the National Airport flight path.

We had a lovely picnic with carrots, pretzels, manchego cheese, awesome multigrain bread and four types of spread. We had a boursin cheese spread, vermont white cheddar cream cheese, kinda chunky hummus and some kind of vegetabel infused cream spread. It all went together really well. We had a small apple pie as dessert.

My brother and I tried not to dwell on the news we received on Friday. We watched the turkey vultures wheeling over an area about 50 yards away and wondered briefly what had died. Then we walked back to Fletcher's Cove and met some other people. It was nice.

The Week Isn't Over Yet

I just received some pretty awful news. A friend's mom and grandmother were shot in a carjacking attempt just outside Nairobi. The Whites were stationed in the Congo when my parents were and their oldest son, Elijiah, and my younger brother and I would pal around. Being a diplomat is not all wine and cheese, relaxing by the pool, sitting in an air-conditioned office discussing the latest situation with some official, sometimes it involves assholes with assault rifles.

This Week Had Its Moments

Other than dinner last night, those moments were all either fucking awful or ninth circle of hell in nature. We all know what happened Monday and while I had no personal connection at all to that horrible mess, Blue Girl had a great post about it.* I got into a fight with my boss on Tuesday. Wednesday, nothing much happened to me. Yesterday, I had a lovely dinner with AG and we managed not to look totally crazy to all the other patrons at Coppi's.

Throughout the week, people were being blown up all over Iraq. I had a conversation with a cab driver about that and it can be summed up thus: we are both pissed off and sad that America has fucked up Iraq. We also talked about DC voting rights, but that and a plane ticket out of Iraq are two things that aren't happening any time soon.

So, without further ado, a random ten that isn't so random because Windows Media Player's randomization feature sucks:

The Police - Roxanne (from Every Breath You Take: The Classics)
Animaniaks - Turf Dancing (from DJ Shadow's The Outsider)
M.Ward - Post War (from Post War)
MSTRKRFT/Wolfmother - Woman Remix
Elvis Presley - Hound Dog (from some album)
Paul Simon - Under African Skies (from Graceland, a great road trip album)
The Flaming Lips - Pilot Can at the Queer of God (from Transmissions from the Satellite Heart)
Lilly Allen - Alfie (from Alright, Still)
The Grates - 19 20 20 (from Gravity Won't Get You High)
Camera Obscura - Razzle Dazzle Rose (from Let's Get Out of This Country)

*She might want to change that post title because the URL is now "On Needing Anal" and that is way too funny for her serious pants. Even if those pants are probably hot.

Amassing Evidence

An optimist is a person who sees a green light everywhere, while the pessimist sees only the red stoplight. The truly wise person is colorblind.

Albert Schweitzer

Idependent verification indicates that I am both wise and frighteningly intelligent.

Is it morally reprehensible?

Is it morally reprehensible to use a two year old to meet women? My nephew would make an awesome wingman. I doubt his mother would approve.

Bloggers Gonna Work It Out

Tonight, AG and I are going to settle many issues facing the blogging world. Issues like sexism, racism, ideology, religion and spelling.

SURPRISE!

My apartment has no hot water and no electricity. Many millions in the world suffer through the same situation daily for their entire lives. Those people do not live in the District of Columbia and no one asks them why they clearly haven't showered when they report for work. It was cold in my apartment this morning and the water was freezing and since I hope to use my penis for fun and profit at some point in the future, I skipped the shower.

I saw Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film For Theaters on Friday. Review to be posted today. I also saw The Lives of Others. Ditto on the review schedule.

So that's 4,562,941?

The conservatives are wrong again. Abstinence programs are ineffective.

The full report is located here as .pdf, it takes a little while to load.

Air Guitar Nation Playing For One Last Weekend in NYC

New York City people reading this should run out and see Air Guitar Nation at the Village East theater. This is the last weekend it will play there. People of Austin, TX will be able to see this awesome and rockingly funny movie starting Friday, April 13th, which is tomorrow for those keeping track.

Go buy some tickets.

Dan Crane/Bjorn Turoque/Jean Luc Retard (Whoops! Haha) will be on a game show called Identity on NBC Friday the 13th as well. I will make an attempt to watch this because I am not going anywhere this weekend as I spent all my money last weekend. I am now the happy, but poor, owner of every DVD of Battlestar Galactica, whether we are talking about the original or the new series.



Sir Charles Rockley

Three Days

Three days without coffee and I damn near told my boss to get his head out of his ass and dump the double standard or I would tell everyone how badly he fucked up at the conference and what a fucking nightmare he has made of everything since. The only reason shit hasn't completely hit the fan is because I am so damn good.

There but for the grace of God...

Certainly isn't for the grace of coffee. God I could use a pot or three. At least the headaches have decreased in severity today but I feel like I am being stretched on a very slow rack.

My Head Is Separating From My Body Like The Guy In John Carpenter's Thing

I have not had any caffeine today because I have decided I like pain. I am cutting out mochas and cookies in addition to continuing my work outs. I forgot to make any coffee this morning and did not want to buy any, so here I am suffering through the DTs.

I am listening to my music at a comfortable level in my office since I am the only one on the floor at the moment. I don't mean on the floor under my desk scratching at my eyes like I am wont to do on days without coffee. I mean there are only two other people in the office and they are downstairs with their office doors closed.

Windows Media Player just shifted from Architecture in Helsinki's Maybe You Can Owe Me to Ennio Morricone's Theme from The Good, The Bad, The Ugly and my brain just became a 29 dimensional space. That is as high as I could count from all the shivering.

In other news, I bought some music last weekend:
Film Music by Ennio Morricone which has everything a guy could want
Sigur Ros' Space Angel Fetus album (I am not going to try to work out the ASCII on the name again)
Animal Collective's Feels
Wolfmother untitled Frazetta cover art album
Golgol Bordello Gypsy Punk Underdog World Strike
Man Man Six Demon Bag

This fulfills the FDA Recommended Yearly Allotment of Experimental Music. If we factor in Blueberry Boat by the Fiery Furnaces and Animal Collective's Spirit They're Gone/Spirit They've Vanished or whatever the fuck that album is called, if it can be called an album, than I can safely say that I have exceeded the FDAYAEM and am approaching overdose. I plan on buying another Animal Collective album and Broken Hearts by the God Damn Doo Wop Band, the former of which will definitely result in a total collapse of all conversational ability regarding any topic other than music. Poser will tattooed across my forehead and I will locked up with a CD player and some headphones which will only play Pachebel's Canon and Van Halen's Panama in an attempt to cure me.

Also, do you capitalize the the in the God Damn Doo Wop Band or the Fiery Furnaces? I have seen it both ways.

Nothing Ever Happens These Days, Not Like The Good Ole Days

I was reading through the headlines on Wonkette and they linked to a post by the "formidable" "law" blogger Ann Althouse about her trip to LBJ's Presidential Library. Given the even-handed treatment she so kindly gave me during the Tucker Incident, I am not at all inclined to link to her site.

Unlike her, I chose to read her entire post and I wish I hadn't. She really is as bad as Brad Altrocket (or whatever his handle is today) says she is. She is probably worse than Pinko Punko says she is, but that is only because he is too nice with some. I did not read the comments.

"And there are three floors of exhibits, which pull you through the history and culture of the 1960s, the time when I was a teenager. Did so much more happen then, or does it only seem so to me?"

I guess she is right. Not a thing is happening today.

Bush Prevented From Assassinating Self and Cheney with Hydrogen Car Bomb by Kung-Fu-Flying-Leg-Kick-Two-Fisted-Gun-Blazing-Ford-President

This story has been zipping all over the internets since Saturday but forgive me for I just read about it today. Apparently, Bush is unconsciously suicidal about the immense fucking mess he has made of pretty much everything. In a move that is regarded by at least one blogger (me) as the sole attempt at an informed decision and a stroke of momentary intelligence, Bush decided to try plugging in the wrong end of the hydrogen powered car being showed off by Ford. The explosion would likely have incinerated Bush and severely damaged Vice-President Cheney's mecha-exosuit.

The only other explanation that one can derive from this incident is that Bush an arrogant son of a bitch who couldn't be bothered to listen to the instructions and warnings of the man trying to show off the new car. We all know that Bush listens to experts so that couldn't possibly be the case. Therefore, he must be a suicidal nutjob and secretly desires to take full responsibility for his and Robo-Cheney's actions by immolating both of them.

Would the nation finally understand the true legacy of Bush and Cheney if this had happened? Would they finally be acknowledged as the bumbling morons they are? Or would the nation commit fully and completely to petroleum forever? Would Pelosi have said anything nice at the funeral? Would Ford be branded a bunch of terrorists? Would Al Gore have made any jokes about Bush's carbon footprint, other than saying it was all over the White House lawn? Would I have shed a single tear?

Two Bits on Karl Rove

This is a David Lynch joke on Karl Rove. Hilarious.

This is just fucking sad. No wonder he has been working so hard to dismantle the American democratic sytem of government. If I had to wear glasses like that with that haircut in college, I would probably have gone nuclear with sexual frustration. I mean, I was a huge dork in college with all the science fiction and games and stuff and I still got laid. Rove looks like he is nine years old and wearing his dad's glasses and playing dress up on Take Your Son to Work Day.

Someone is Tempting My Wrath!

I was just called by an automated telemarketer with a refinance offer. I don't own a home. I don't have a land line. I thought we weren't supposed to get telemarketing calls on cell phones.

Crap.

Update: I was right. Regulations prohibit using automated dialers to call cellular numbers. The number was from the 712 area code, in western Iowa. That's a long bike ride for an ass whupping. I better get moving.

Yet More Nepotism Associated with Bush

Wolfowitz has been promoting his sweetie against the rules of the World Bank.

Decency is in the dictionary, but Bush and his buddies tossed that book out when they got to deceit.

On This Day 27 Years Ago, My Life Was Ruined Forever

So the youngest of the Brothers of Indeterminate Number is 27 today. Wooo. Happy Birthday. What the hell should I get him? He is married to a fantastic woman, has a nice apartment, job interviews left and right, and plenty of fun stuff to do in his off hours.

Any ideas?

AU Students Attempt to Arrest Karl Rove

Apparently a bunch of AU students tried to perform a citizen's arrest on Karl Rove after his speech/meeting with the Campus Republicans last night. That is all kinds of awesome. The activists were unfortunately unsuccesful. That is no kind of awesome. This flickr account has pictures and also a phone number that should only be used by members of the press trying to reach the user for official comment. No abuse or death threats, wingnuts.

Not that any wingnuts are likely to listen to me in that regard.

Look, Little Baby Jesus, Throw Me a Fucking Bone Here

Every day, I endeavor to be a good person. I try to be a good person by my own definition of such and even with this perhaps perverse definition of good, with which I won't burden this post or you, I have an extremely hard time of it. I have to remind myself that beating the holy hell out of dog owners is a punishment that does not fit their crimes every time I see a huge steaming pile of dog leavings on the sidewalk. I have to remind myself not to buy 47 iced cookies every morning and eat them in a frenzy that would make Cookie Monster weep. I have to fight the urge to go running off into the wooded parks I pass on my way to work, for I would build a fort and extract a hefty toll from all those who chose to enter my shaded domain. I have to remind myself that even though that hollowed-out tree is an awesome hiding spot, joggers and others enjoying the great outdoors do not appreciate it when you jump out and scare the bejeezus out of them. I remind myself that it is not okay to gather all the soap opera and fashion magazines in the supermarket and burn them in the street, even if they promote an unhealthy body image. I have an especially hard time being good when I am left unsupervised and connected to this brilliant series of tubes.

I don't want to have hope for the Transformers movie, but when I hear that others are writing poems about it, I become curious. When I read those poems, I have to fight urges and work things out in literature. As with so many events that affect my life, I have no power to change the product of Michael Bay's latest efforts. All I can do is eviscerate people with wit. If this movie sucks, I will write about it in an open and honest manner and perhaps Mr. Bay will try to get me fired.

CHUD clued me in to this and also included a link to Yahoo's Transformers image gallery.

Not An April Fool's Post

Unlike this.

Or this.

And I am not sure about this.

Make sure to watch the video. It makes it pretty clear that the reason this putz is having such a hard time playing WoW is solely due to the fact that he has very poor grasp of the controls.

I had a lovely day with a person who self-describes as a conservative. I have no idea what just happened. We even discussed global warming and agreed on it. I am not sure where I am right now, but I think it may be the Zone. Or the Sixth Dimension, where things get ROUGH.

BTW: I forgot to mention this. I saw it and figured that it wasn't a joke because my boss does this all the damn time.

Music Recommendations Shall Be Consumed Saturday Morning

Thanks to everyone who contributed suggestions to this post about my apparent windfall. It may actually happen this week. Or next week. Who knows?

Anyway, while following up on people's suggestions, I went over to Miss Syl's site, Sexeteria. If you are at work right now and I now some of you are, don't go there. Wait until you get home. Anyway, she had a link to a pretty cool song on her site, Because I'm Awesome by The Dollyrots. The song is kinda kickass and it mentions that the singer is awesome and this is because she is smarter than everyone "her brain is really super-sized". That's hot. I think we should get together for a battle of wits.

The planned purchases:
DVDs:
Firefly
BSG Season 2.0 and 2.5
possibly Rome: Season 1 (cuz I'm Titus Pullo, WENCH!)

Music:
Animal Collective - Feels
Golgol Bordello - unknown but whatever I find
Sigur Ros - Ágætis Byrjun
Man Man - Six Demon Bag (That is still a great movie. If you don't know of that which I speak, turn your balls in at the door on your way out.)
Architecture in Helsinki - If they have an album I don't yet own
M. Ward - If something catches my eye
The God Damn Doo Wop Band - if I can find Broken Hearts (Who will also be in Baltimore in July and I am going to that show. I'll skin a cat 34 ways to get there.)
MSTRKRFT - The Looks
Wolfmother - the one with the Frazetta cover art

Science Fiction That is Constantly Attacking Our Marriages

I am currently reading Vellum: The Book of All Hours by Hal Duncan and I am enjoying it, but I am also wondering if I will finish it and then just be totally pissed by the ending. The ending will probably piss me off because I will without doubt that I must go back and read the book again in a far less fragmentary effort. After I had read a chapter or two, I thought that reading it in fragments might be the ideal manner, but since I have moved further into the book I have decided that this might not be the case. The end will likely confirm this.

I will write a full review when I am finished, but right now I can say that I think that both fulsome and teh l4m3 would freaking love it and not because of all teh g4y s3xx0rz in it. The parts describing Reynard's journey are pretty neat because of both their lucidity and because of all the cool stuff that happens that isn't written.

Check out Hal Duncan's blog.

For all the dimwitted morons that read this, the title is a joke.

The Non-Date Date

You all probably know of that which I now type. The phenomenon may not be limited to my life, but it is something that happens more often to me than my friends. I know a couple women in the DC Metro area with whom I like to hang out. These are not women I am trying to hump, regardless of whether the back part of my brain thinks that would be a whole lot of fun and trouble.

We sometimes meet up for dinner, movies, hikes, and shows. I don't think this is at all odd. We are friends and hang out. No big deal. Some people have asked me why I would waste time being friends with a woman I don't plan to date or hump. This is akin to asking why we need a functioning intelligence service or investigative press corps. A fresh female perspective on certain aspects of life is important.

Friends who like to take walks at night and toss a frisbee in a park on a pleasant, mosquito-free evening in March are rare.

I wish there was a frisbee golf range close by that would let me play at night. I could bring the 2 AM Game back.

The Omega Man

My college has this website thing set up that is basically myspace for alumni. Scrolling through the lists of friends, friends of friends and friends of friends of friends, I can conclude two things: this is taking too much of my time at work and that everyone I knew in college, even vaguely, is now in some stage of being married and/or having children.

I also found, quite by accident, the person that had my mailbox after me. I know who this person is because I opened my mailbox the semester after I had left college for the last time. This person is now in the process of finishing their thesis in "sixteenth and seventeeth century English embroidery." I sincerely hope that is a joke.

Last Night on the World of Warcraft

I was minding my own business and checking out some gear on the Auction House on the World of Warcraft when some jackass started yelling some annoying crap. The yell command allows/forces everyone in the vicinity to hear your inane chatter until they use the command ignore on your noobish ass. I was trying to follow the trade channel chat as well as the Auction House because I was hoping someone might be selling something I could use to twink out one of my characters. This was going well, even though I wasn't finding anything I wanted, until the moron decided to start yelling.

Then some other people of moderately low judgement decided to yell back at the noob. All of this takes place in the same window as the trade channel information and makes the text cycle pretty quickly and very hard to follow the items that are being offered for sale. I sent a whisper to the noob who started the whole thing saying, "Hush." The whisper was an attempt to get him/her/it/bird/spider/bonehead to shut up.

The jackass then immediately retorted with a string of insults and seemed to think I was one of the people yelling at him/her for yelling. The conversation did not last much longer and was not polite. From the tone of her/his comments to me, the noob seemed to feel extremely victimized for the insults other had been throwing at him/her. She/He felt that he/she deserved respect for some reason and that I and others were treating him/her unfairly. I checked back all the chat logs and found no reason why anyone should think her/him to be anything but an idiot.

Sometimes, video games are prophetic. This seems to me to be exactly Ann Althouse's problem.

On the other hand

The bus for Ricockulous Town has arrived right on schedule and I have boarded. I never miss this bus and I never fail to get on if I see it coming. This bus is never late, unlike the MetroBus. This bus also charges fare only when it stops, unlike MetroBus. This bus is always clean and plays nice music and never, ever, never smells like urine, again, unlike Metrobus.

About that raise...

It appears that I will have to wait a month before the raise is enacted. My boss seems to have forgotten to send the notice to the accountant and is now on vacation/recuperation until the end of April.

This sucks.

Friday Morning Musing: Is there such a thing as too much Chuck?

I was walking along the poop-laden trails in my neighborhood with a female acquaintance earlier this week. We were talking about recent dating mishaps in our respective forays on the subject. We had a discussion about her situation and I gave surprisingly even-handed advice on her situation. I made my usual disclaimer that relationship/dating advice from me is to be taken only rarely. In this instance, anyone I know and anyone I don't know would have found my advice more than acceptable and perhaps straight up decent. Once I made the discalimer, she asked me about my most recent attempt at dating AKA Global Warming Denier Girl AKA Hot Liberal That Has Been Duped By The CEI (HLTHBDBTCEI).

My friend asked me a question that I found both strange and interesting. She asked whether GWDG had ever seen "Friend Chuck or if GWDG had only ever seen On Chuck." I admitted that it was likely that GWDG had only ever seen On Chuck since we met at a party and only went on four dates before I blew up about her gullibility. We did have one date at a diner and coffee shop and we talked and had a nice couple hours, but our conversations were sparring matches. I doubt GWDG ever saw Friend Chuck. It takes a bit of relaxation around a person for Friend Chuck to come out. I am not paranoid or reserved, but I have acheived less than desirable outcomes when behaving like Friend Chuck on dates. Once we have seen each other for more than a few dates, you have to break out the Friend Chuck or you just become tiresome; always being snappy and slick with the wit wears on a person after a while. A certain amount of relaxation is needed.

This is not rocket science. If I have figured this out, then I am certain that everyone else reading this learned this back in high school or something.

In the last five dating relationships with which I have complicated my life, I have had trouble with my communication style interefering with my libido's wang style. One person said that everytime she reveals something about herself, I reveal something about myself. She also said that it feels like we are frequently in competition in this regard. I had no idea what she was talking about because I thought I was being sympathetic. I would have disregarded this criticism but at least one other woman has said this. So either to totally unrelated people ahve the same psychosis or I am a jackass that has no idea how to express sympathy in such a way as to continue a relationship that seems alright.

I have recently acquired a FREE copy of "You Just Don't Understand: Men and Women In Conversation." The last and only time I read any of this book, I was a freshman in college and fulsome and I had a good laugh reading it out loud with some girls. The question I have is: If I read this book, am I required to turn in my penis? or will I become an even better pick-up artist?

I don't know if I could get any better than I already am, though I would be willing to test the veracity of that statement.

Operation Chuck Splurge

I am suddenly in a position to pay for stuff. Specifically, stuff I have already bought, perhaps foolishly, with my solitary credit card. I am not going nuts with new loot, as I already own too much junk for the ascetic life I sometimes claim to idealize. I am going to be buying BSG series 2.0 and 2.5 and Firefly, but other than that, I am putting the rest in saving and into my debt hole. Time to start filling that abyss.

I am also investigating a vacation in Slovakia in July. I have earned it. Two weeks, maybe three, of enjoying a fantastically awesome country with bars and clubs and castles and forests. I am no exactly a loner, but things are shaping up that way. I have only one single friend at the moment and he has a job that is rather more difficult to just abandon for a few weeks than mine, I am willing to bet that he won't be able to come. Given my habit of torching every relationship, I am also willing to bet that I won't be travelling with a lady at my side. Meh. I can take it or leave it. Or her, as it were. Besides, have you met any Slovaks lately? Gotterdammerung! Or whatever.

PS. I also plan to spend 50 or 60 bucks on some new music. Suggestions appreciated. Right now I am definitely getting some Man Man, some perhaps coherent Animal Collective and maybe Sigur Ros. Goddam that Questionable Content.

Fridge Note to Congress and the rest of America

What is the meaning of obstruction of justice?

Perhaps this article can help you.


Thanks to Mr. Murray Waas for all the great investigative journalism he has been doing. If only we had more like him.

OMFG

So tired.

Apologies

Through back channel communications I have learned that I got many of the facts of my Idi Amin story wrong. This is why real reporters carry notebooks. I will be correcting these errors as soon as I can.

Also, to those of you who may be wondering where the hell I am, in the same back channels: I am busy, as we all are. Also, I am naturally aloof. I like having conversations but not necessarily through email or on the cellular system through which many of us are linked. My cell phone is a constant reminder of how shitty our telecom system is and for that I hate its America hating-ness.

ZugZug

Tomorrow, I will relocate myself to a hotel downtown for my office's annual conference. We are expecting 3500 people and I expect to spend at least $500 on food. On my office's tab. I can't wait to hit the breakfast buffet again. All that fruit, fried pork, pancakes, waffles, eggs drenched in maple syrup is going to feel fantastic.

In other news, I tried to take an Afro-Carribean dance class on Saturday. I figured it would be something similar to Samba or Salsa which I had a brief fling with in college. It was more like EXTREME DANCE WITH TAE-BO PLUS MEGA PUSHUPS. I only lasted about 35 minutes before I fell apart due to dehydration. It may have been related to my poor diet or it may have been caused by the bouncing pushups across the studio. Or the aikido rolls into a jump with legs up and arms flailing. The women had to do a bunch of shuffle steps and such while I was roped into the cardio exercise from hell. I am still sore, despite going running on Sunday and Saturday. I have been doing pushups to ease the pain, but I still feel bruised.

I am going back to the class in two weeks.

Pay No Attention to This Non-Post

Reason Number 43 Why I Did Not Sneak Into the CPAC Exhibit Hall This Year

#43. Other people do it better.

Totally Tarantula Tuesday: Rules for Riding the Capital Crescent Trail

I switched my bike from stationary to regular style on Saturday and rode up the trail to Friendship Heights. This ride should have only taken about 20 minutes and been relatively safe, instead it took about 45 and was frought with peril. The duration of the trip was extended because I have not made as much use of my bike during the winter months as I would have liked. The peril of the trip is due in large part to my foolish lack of proper garments and a rather complete disregard for the implied/suggested rules of the road by my fellow bikers, skaters and pedestrians. In the hopes that I may contribute to the safe enjoyment of the Capital Crescent Trail, I post the following list of rules for trailriding.

1. Always stay on the right side of the trail. Never cross the center line unless you are passing.
2. Always call out to indicate that you are passing another traveller. The use of a bell is encouraged.
3. Never pass when there is oncoming traffic, regardless of whether it is a bicycle or pedestrian.
4. Keep your headlight pointed at the ground in front of you, similar to a car's headlights. DO NOT SHINE IT DIRECTLY AT OTHER RIDERS. This will momentarily blind them at night.
5. Red lights may only be used as tail lights, never as head lights. This is also the law in Maryland. Rollerbladers and pedestrians are also encouraged to wear red lights on their backs at night.
6. Wear a helmet. There are many opportunities to build up an impressive speed on the trail and it is easily possible to be involved in a crash with a combined speed over 40 miles an hour. Accidents at speeds like this are dangerous enough with a helmet, let's leave serious brain trauma out of it.
7. Always walk single file on the trail. Two people walking abreast will occupy the entire side of the trail.
8. Shouting at people as you fly by them on a bicycle is NOT an effective way to change behavior.
8. Keep all pets on a short leash, be they canine, feline, avian or arachnid.
9. Clean up after all pets.
10. Please be courteous and remember that the trail exists for the enjoyment of all.

If anyone else has any serious suggestions, please leave them in the comments section.

There Are Days That Remind Me...

of how I love the internets and the wonderment therein. This is one of them.

Rumors and in jokes that can really make you smile.

Ethics? We don't need no stinking ethics.

Second Life proven to be definitive declaration of No Life. Honestly, if people did this sort of stuff in the World of Warcraft, I would never leave it.

Don't take your self too seriously because then you can't laugh at yourself. We are all the best sources of comedy in our own lives.

You Know What's Awesome?

In the middle of kicking all kinds of ass this weekend on the World of Warcraft, my graphics card started acting funny. It locked up twice and my computer decided to reboot it and then tell me about the problem. This is an event easily classifiable as Not Good. My entire system even shut down entirely once, necessitating me to use the power button on the back of the box.

Given the nature of my previous troubles (detailed here, here and here), I am just going to take it to the store where I bought all the parts and have it worked over. I would do this stuff myself but the only way I know how to do anything with a computer involves plugs, whistles, electricity and inciting tiny invisible people to fly into the machine to harass the ghost into action. You would be surprised how much influence pixies, fairies, angels and other imaginary creatures can have on tangible objects like computers and politicians.

I also figure that I can get the techs to properly install my SATA hard drive and possibly even keep my old ones in fine working order. Then I can have a proper back up of my illegally downloaded music pornography.

Blogger Thinks I Am a Spam Blogger

Yesterday I had a lot of trouble editing my posts. The new blogger seems exactly like the old blogger in this regard. Great. All the old frustrations with the added benefit of dispensing my gmail account info to anyone who wants it. It constantly asks me to input word verifications to publish my posts, and has since I asked for word verification in my comments, but it rarely displays the word verify properly. Well, that is one way to prevent spam blogs. Even when it does diplay the word verification text, it doesn't like accepting the proper one and I am forced to enter 4 before it will let me publish a post.

I hope to soon join the ranks of the people that got the fuck outta Dodge before it turned into Myspace for dataminers.

I May Have Inadvertently Started a Blog Fight Between Wonkette and Big Head DC

When I arrived at the party last night, I wanted to thank Rob at Big Head DC for the invitation. Having no idea what he looks like, I figured I would just ask the first two people who looked bored enough and who happened to be standing next to me. They didn't know who Rob was, nor had they heard of the website. We chatted for a bit and I learned some stuff about Rachel Ray. Then I asked the next couple of people that were standing and glancing around awkwardly. Same story. I then figured that the photographers would have to know the host of the party. So I asked this one dude with fancy camera gear and a stylishly mussed hairdo if he knew who Rob was. He didn't and he looked at me like he was kinda surprised that I was talking to him. My count was now five and o. I got a free pink martini type vodka drink that was pretty sweet. It has the "energy drink shit mixed right in" to quote one excited partier. "It's got all those extracts and shit that Red Bull has but it tastes sooo much better than regular Red Bull mixed with vodka." So grabbed one and after having a couple sips, realized that I better not have any more without eating a few plates of food. I then asked a group of two men and one woman if they who Rob was. They didn't and looked at me like I was speaking Swahili. The drinks were good, but not that good. I was not yet drunk enough to fail to notice the stunning assortment of seriously pretty ladies and the fact that I may have been one of five straight men at the party. I like those odds.

I asked the next group of people and one of them turned out to be Rob's wife. She introduced me and I said thanks and we chatted about the Tucker incident. Then Rob had to introduce Musto and thank Jeff Gannon for co-hosting the event. This is the point where the train went off the rails in my head like the proverbial needle on a junkie's turntable. The dude from the nudie pictures that Clif makes fun of? I better finish this drink. Michael Musto read some of Suzanne Somers poetry and then I fell into a conversation with a fascinating AU law student whom I shall likely never see again. Such is the way of things.

Cruising the sites this morning, I found this interesting bit on Wonkette. For the record, I am nobody's minion. Minions are classed as merely levels 1-5, whereas I am clearly an Epic Level Blogger. I am a Freelance Genius, not a damn minion.

This is funny in a sort of WHA? way.

How A College Term Paper Destroyed Idi Amin

Last night, I got to hang out with the pretty people at a reception for Michael Musto, whom some of you might know from the Village Voice. The dude had a killer striped suit on that reminded me of something Prince might wear.* Instead of reading from his book, he read from a book of Suzanne Sommers poetry. That was hilarious.

As the event started to wind down, I had the pleasure of conversation with some interesting people. I met a gallery owner, a nice law student and Murray Waas. I missed the Drinking Liberally event at which he was scheduled to speak, but apparently the universe thought we should hang out anyway. He told me a neat story that he also gave me permission to blog:

One of his buddies in college wrote a term paper/senior thesis on how to remove a dictator from power through the use of economic sanctions. Murray Waas helped with editing the paper and the guy then went on to work for a State Senator who then became a Representative. This Representative introduced legislation to impose sanctions based on the term paper given to him by his staffer. The sanctions were a major factor cutting Idi Amin off from his western support.

This is a cool story. Of the term papers that I actually finished in college, I am willing to bet that few professors read them, much less any Representatives. Then again, with titles like "The Rise and Fall of the Assyrian Empire" and "Astrology and the Scientific Method"** who the hell would want to read them?

*Peanut butter reminds me of hanging out in the Congo, so take this with a grain of salt.
**Actual term papers written by yours truly.