Missing the Point

I need to get out of the service industry. Channing Tatum should not have the job he wants, when people like me with actual talent and skills languish in underemployment hell. Why am I complaining when I have only filled out one online job application int he last 10 months you ask? That's beside the point.

Applying for Wageslave Jobs can be Ridiculous

I was cruising the streets looking for a second job to fill the off hours, and there's nothing like looking for work to make you feel pretty worthless.* I applied at four different bar/restaurants, and was wandering through Georgetown looking for a coffee shop that seemed like a decent prospect when I saw a Now Hiring sign in an upscale toy store window. I thought that an educational toy store couldn't be that horrific a workplace, and I was feeling pretty desperate, so I waltzed in and said I was here about the sign. The hipster behind the counter sighed and handed me a sticker with an email address on the back and said, "send your resume and cover letter to this address. You might want to include any references, too." I stepped forward to take the card and bumped the pile of white-painted wood that he was assembling into an organic, low-impact, eco-crib.** I apologized and he sighed again and said, "that's okay." He then grimaced at me in some bizarre attempt at a haughty smile, or maybe a snarl.***

This was the point in which that feeling of utter worthlessness turned into aggravation. If your assembling some expensive, European, organic, low-VOC, high-end, rich douchebag, destined for twenty-four years of private school education before Harvard Business, eco-crib that is WHITE and you have a WHITE-tiled floor, then maybe leaving a stack of pieces in front of your sales counter is a BAD IDEA. I learned long ago that leaving pieces of my LEGO kit, IKEA chip-board furniture, Warhammer tank model, etc, in a high traffice area was a guaranteed way to have those pieces crushed underfoot. If you're the kind of guy that owns/manages/works at a children's toy store that requires a cover letter, resume, and three references to even apply there, then you had best display the kind of forethought and presence to earn all three of those requirements. Simply having a superior attitude and expensive merchandise doesn't allow you to act like an arrogant cobag. You've got to have the ability before you have the attitude.

At my bar job, we watch a variety of news programs before the various sporting events are televised. Aside from Balloon Boy, another frequently run story is how employers are having trouble finding qualified applicants. If you're a children's toy store, even an educational, eco-friendly, organic, etc, etc, children's toy store and you require a cover letter, resume, and three references to even apply there, you may want to rethink your hiring strategy. Here are three simple requirements that would serve you better should you choose to pull your head out of your ass: Can you perform addition and subtraction with a reasonable degree of accuracy? Can you be polite to jerkface customers? Will you be honest with all monetary transactions? The answers to two out of three of these questions can be ascertained with a short quiz and a conversation. The third is a constant risk of all stores, and you should always be wary but also give the benefit of the doubt until you have reason to rescind such trust. Even if you're an uppity, ridiculous toy store that provides educational services and wants to be considered something greater, your storefront employees are there to sell toys and make people feel like coming back to spend more money. They aren't solving world hunger, they're just earning 8.25 an hour with no benefits.

* Except dating, but that's a whole different kind of worthless.
** I shit you not. The box made all three claims.
*** I do both better.

The Genius Recommends: Advice for the Recently Free

I just received word that even more of my fans are now enjoying the freedom to look for new (employment/early retirement/unreasonable termination/unseasonable free time/ways to entertain the children/reasons not to purchase fireams). Since I have been seeking satisfactory employment for the last ten months without success, I thought I would share my obviously excellent experience at finding a new source of funding outside the family. These items are meaninglessly numbered and quite possibly meaningless in general, but hopefully you'll pick up something useful or at least smirk mirthlessly at my problems. As other people always say about me, if you can't do something right, try and serve as an example for others.

Item 1: Do Not Wallow
When enjoying the early stages of unemployment/freedom, it can be easy to sink into a cycle of self-pity and doubt. You just got fired, so obviously you must suck at the work you had been doing for 2/20/200 years, right? Not so much. Remind yourself that shit sucks right now and you need to get over your anger at your old company's decision and get cracking at finding a new job so you can go back to spending eight to twelve hours a day being miserable under fluorescent lighting. Take two days to feel shitty and angry, maybe get drunk or whatever, but that's it. Two days of wallowing is enough, you big baby.

Item 2: Log-ins, Log-ins, Log-ins
Unless you're some sort of fucking mega-star in your field, people probably won't know you. If you are some sort of mega-star, fuck off because you're ruining it for everyone else. In order for people to learn about you, you've got to get out there. In the good old days, you could keep up your attendance at the neighborhood happy hours over at Jimmy and Diane's. These days, it means creating profiles all over the goddam internet. Career Builder, Monster, Linked-In, (Local High Profile Newspaper), etc, etc, etc. Go the extra forty miles on these things, too. Really clog up the tubes with tales of your daring and dynamism at the workplace. Remember that time you saved that dude from OD'ing on correction fluid? Or the time you had two interns in the copy room? Well, maybe you leave those out. You may be thinking "But Genius, I'm a certified paper pusher with two degrees and several references and recommendations! Why would I need to go to all this trouble?" Here's the thing: someone at your targeted company will be searching the internet for information about you. Some HR flunky will be asked to "see what's out there about this guy/gal." Make sure that what's out there is positive and helpful to these people. They're already HR, so they're not too bright, so help them out.

Item 3: SCHMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOZE
If you want to continue working in your former field, call everyone you know that is still working in the field. Chat them up, renew your acquaintance, and straight up ask them if they have any intel for you. This is not a time to be shy, or feel conflicted about using social contacts for personal gain. Remember that dude from (Other Department) who got a job at (Competing Company)? Call that guy, see how he likes the place, and if he will forward your information. That woman you got a business card from at that trade show? Call her, too. Be upfront about why you are calling and what you need from them. Listen to them, if they have inside info about the company that they are willing to share, be willing to listen. As for how to determine what you need from them, see Item 4.

Item 4: Research AKA Stalking
The internet is a wonderful land, full of opportunity and information. Did I mention that it's full of information? Cuz it's FULL OF INFORMATION. Unless you're a creep who specializes in digging out secret addresses of Myspace kids, you will probably be surprised at the sheer amount of stuff you can find out by searching for stuff like "KBR/Halliburton HR Staff List" or something similar. You need to be a frigging subject matter expert on any company that you are serious about making a run on. When contacting your people, you don't want to ask them to just kick your resume over to HR with a note, you want to be as precise as possible. "Please send this over to Mr. Wilmington in HR and I thought that Mrs. Jenkins in Drafting and Design would also appreciate it." If your contact is willing to put you forward in this way, you are already up on Johnny Pearlywhites at the interview.

Item 5: Appearance
As much as I don't hate to say it: appearance counts. True story: I was working at a public agency in San Francisco, conducting a survey of employers and their trouble filling positions. One woman at a large firm really wanted to vent about how hard it was to find qualified people who could also remember to comb their hair more than once a week and be bothered to tuck in their shirts. You can have a glowing resume and be everything they need and want, but if you smell or have shitty, ugly teeth, you're fucked. Think about it: how much harder does someone have to work at being liked if they don't take care of their person? You're already unemployed, so you've got the time to quit smoking, start a work-out routine, and dye those teeth. As fucked up as it is, a good looking person with a nice smile will go farther than the person who rocks the scruff and went to the British School of Dentistry. This also ties in with Item 1: Do Not Wallow. If you've been thinking about dropping a few pounds, or maybe padded out those quads, delts, and biceps, you've got the time and you'll have more energy. If you're married or in a relationship, s/he will appreciate this as well, and I doubt I need to explain how that appreciation will be shown.

Item 6: Branch the Fuck Out
You just got shitcanned at your job auditing banks, and now you're not even sure you want to continue in that field, maybe because you have a soul and a conscience. What the hell should you do with yourself? Maybe you can explore your artsy side because you sure loved that one drawing class twenty years ago, but that probably had more to do with the models than any talent. So what the hell should you do? Branch the fuck out. Think about ways you can apply your skills and experience in some way you hadn't been before, as a private accountant or corporate auditor or whatever, I don't really know exactly. Be flexible of mind and it will come to you. Read lots, and talk to other professionals. Maybe there is work for an accountant tracking transaction reports for a law firm. Chances are that if your former company is experiencing financial woes, your entire industry is, so you might have to venture outside that industry to find a new water cooler to stand over and discuss last night's Lost.

Item 7: Training
You've got plenty of free time now, don't waste it leveling another character so you can go raid Mordor six times a week. Go back and refresh your skills with training courses, or learn some new skills that complement your experience and can help you with that idea you had about branching out, as we discussed previously. Most job training expenses are tax right offs, but you definitely want to talk to an expert about that before claiming anything with the IRS.

Item 8: Don't Listen To Me
I was unemployed for eight fucking months before I got a job waiting fucking tables! Why the fuck are you listening to me? Talk to a professional career counselor.

Fallout Blackout

I may have overindulged.

I have been a little busy lately. I have an interview next week. I have been helping a friend move. I have been ranting about the bus line in my neighborhood again. I have somehow been exhausting myself so that every time I wake up, I feel like going back to sleep.

Anyway, I am trying to write something about the latest flare of violence in Goma, DROC, but most of what I have written so far turns into a hopeless diatribe. Also, I owe some music posts to the internets for WRN. Which has always sounded like a goofy radio network. We should work on some podcasts, due to come out with the return of Monday Goldberg Theater.

My Internet is Out Again

I have an appointment with another Comcast techician tomorrow, but in the meantime I offer two pearls of wit and wisdom: don't get Comcast, and really don't get Comcast.

Father Genius said that it is nice to see American exports rising, even if it is only financial woes. In case you were wondering where I get it.

Disposable Income Dreams, #XN-3892

I would totally build one of these. If I knew a damn thing about electronics and had a workshop. That table beats the hell out of my homemade bed platform/storage trunk/bookshelf. The table has probably also produced more happiness and euphoria than my bed, too.

WAIT

The Computer Whisperer

Given: Computers are rational beings.
Given: Humans are irrational beings.

Therefore: ...

I have no idea why I am able to solve some problems and not others. I also have no idea why my solution "Let's right-click it and see what happens" works so often.

Labor Day and the American Worker

I got an e-mail from the AEI about how the American worker is loving work as we approach Labor Day. The entire e-mail is pretty fucking ridiculous.

AEI Visiting Scholar Arthur C. Brooks reports that Americans work more than their counterparts in many developed countries yet take less vacation time, and they appear to be happy about it. Brooks writes: "For most Americans, work is a rock-solid source of life happiness." His two recent articles on happiness and work include “Happy for the Work” and “What Really Buys Happiness?"

I want to find who these people who are happy with taking less vacation time and give them a radical re-education in slacking. What the fuck kind of jackass says to himself, "Hmm, I have some reports I could write instead of going to Barbados for a week in the sun and booze. I love these reports and mail merges so much that I can skip out on all that sand." Somehow, I think it is more along the lines of "SHIT! JESUS CHRIST!!! HOLY FUCKING SPIRIT OF GOD HOW AM I GOING TO PAY FOR THIS FUCKING CAR, MY HOUSE AND MY DAMN KID'S CELL PHONE BILL THIS MONTH?!?! I can't take this fucking vacation that I am about to pay for on my 7th credit card!! Goddam, I better get some more OT in."

I guess that is why on Labor Day we take the whole day to camp out in the office and get some extra reports in while every one else is out enjoying another fucking day off, just so I can get somewhat close to way the fuck behind.

Clif Continues Corroding Conservative Confabulations

Clif rocks your world and you may not even know it. Clif is constantly and concisely on fire. He manages to get under the skin of more conservatives than anyone I know.* His latest win comes from a scuffle-kerfuffle with Musclehead Radio's Kevin McCullough. Kevin responded with a post that does not address Clif's point about the erroneous quotation.

I don't know how Clif and all the other awesome bloggers like the crew at Sadly, No can stand to read the immense volume of crap that they do. I read only the diluted and humored-up from them and the occasional post from wingnuts and my family wants me to stop for my health.

Don't stop, Clif. Don't ever stop.

*Admittedly, I don't know many people.

Mommy Bloggers: Boring

I have cruised by some mommy blogs and they are boring. Hell, at guys' night out I have to reign in the dads with their boring stories. Since all but two of us are fathers, one round of stories can last for 3 rounds of drinks. Or they would if we could ever get together for drinks. A quick, funny toddler story is one thing but inane, endless run-ons about some baby sitting in its own crap for 7 paragrpahs? Good lord. Shoot me now.

I find blogs about my friend's kids are slightly more interesting but the one I read is more about the troubles and insecurities she feels as a mother. This is an entirely alien perspective to me. I doubt I'll ever feel safe enough to procreate, much less meet anyone worthy of my Genius Seed TM. If she wasn't my friend and her life weren't so damn interesting, I wouldn't read it. Honestly, mommy bloggers are a subdivision of cat bloggers. Ain't nothing interesting about it unless I can give it a stupid caption.

Here's a good one

15 Things Kurt Vonnegut Said Better Than Anyone Else Ever Has or Will.

The AV Club continues to rock my brain.