Sub-Optimal

In certain situations, I find this phrase hilarious. Especially the first one I heard it in:

Sister In Law: If you let your baby sleep on its stomach, it tends to die. In the medical profession, this is called Sub Optimal Baby Raising. Pretty much any child-rearing style that results in the death of said child is sub optimal.

I would laugh a lot more, if she didn't need to explain this to people in the ER all the time.

Bug Powder Dust

I finally saw Naked Lunch on Saturday. When I grow up I want to make movies like Cronenberg. I was only recently introduced to him when I saw eXistenZ in 1999. I really like how he twists a person's creation. He is pretty overt at times, but also subtle in a way that David Lynch isn't. David Lynch really seems to put people's insanity in the main point, but I think that Cronenberg likes to show that the insanity is in the creation. Or something. I need to see more movies by both of them. Tonight, Rabid is showing.

As a related aside, the song "Bug Powder Dust" by Bomb the Bass on the Kruder and Dorfmeister double album, The K&D Sessions, is all about Naked Lunch. After I finish Hagakure by Tsunetomo Yamamoto and A Primate's Memoir by Sapolsky, I will devour Naked Lunch by William S. Burroughs. Look for the long lost WEstern Thought Wednesday to reappear this week.

Totally Stealing This Post Idea

I was walking through the sandwich and wine market near work Wednesday when I saw these on the shelf.

I thought to myself, "Hey, these are just the thing for a Genius on the go." So I tried them out this morning. I was expected some form of cheeto-type snack. I was a little disappointed by the appearance of the smart puffs. Apparently, the target consumer of these alleged food items is the one person in the country who has never seen a packing peanut before. These puffs had the same consistency and basically the same flavor. (The implication that I have tasted packing peanuts is deliberate. More on that later.) I was pretty disappointed because these puffs smelled like good white cheddar cheese but their taste was flat and lifeless. They are just starch with a hint of corn and a spritzing of cheese scent.



Well, the taste wasn't that horrible. Really it was the lack of crunch and the way they quickly dissolved into a kind of goo in my mouth that I found objectionable. I like chips and the like to be crunchy and not all gooey. Still, the consistency and appearance really ruined the small bit of cheesyness to be enjoyed. It was kind of like eating fried paste with a dusting of dried cheese.

Verdict: Not all things labeled smart are.

And Now, A Little Edward Hopper for My Brother in the Big SK

Work has been interesting. I have been presented with a puzzle. I have to find a shipment of books that was sent back to the publishers and they are saying that we have not shipped them back. I sent the books ten months ago. The publishing house is a little behind the ball on this issue, but I like puzzles. I will be digging through some old emails and invoices. I suppose this is the time to point out that my boss' tendency to save all of his emails may come in handy. Good thing I filed them all on a monthly and yearly basis. Other than that, I fiddle with File Maker Pro and try to convince it to do what I want. I have almost got this database in shape.
I have been working out almost every morning for the last two weeks and my pants are feeling looser. This is nice. I want to look better naked and look good for TheDarkMan's wedding in May.
I cooked balogna pie for dinner. I actually cooked. Used two pots, two plates and no less than three spices and three forms of liquid in cooking. Salt, pepper melange and rosemary with chicken simmered in olive oil and a nice white wine with couscous(the grain, not the aboreal Australian mammal). It has been a while since I cooked, but it turned out quite well. It has been said that I only ever cook balogna pie, but those who claim it is so are just jealous of my ability to whip stuff up into awesomely edible fare.
The American version of The Office is funny, but I missed it because I was cooking. I haven't introduced anybody to the British version yet, but I have introduced someone to Coupling and that went very well.
When are you coming back? The 40k minis are getting seriously lonely.

CAKE is the BEST BAND EVER!

CAKE is one of the last great pop bands, and something for which I devote a lot of time. There is a need for good pop stars, literate ones at that, and no one can hold CAKE's jockstrap when it comes to witty reparte.

I also love the fact that CAKE has continually grown musically, something most people avoid til no one's buying their records and they release the obligatory "look - here's our Neil Young/Dylan record because we're mature now." Not a single one of CAKE's records, for better or worse, sound the same.

The same can also be said of Smashmouth. Those guys are awesome and totally innovative, in terms of indie music they lead the pack of all those wannabes like Belle and Sebastian. I can't think of even one indie group out today that hasn't been influenced by the awesomeness that is Smashmouth. When I listen to Architecture in Helsinki's album, In Case We Die, I can hear Smashmouth coming through. I am continually amazed by the musical range of sounds Smashmouth has mastered.

Pop Ren Has Weird Taste in Music

Pop Ren likes Morrissey. I am not an appreciator of him nor The Smiths. I find Morrissey to be the musical equivalent of lunesta. My eyelids start to droop after three notes and if I don't manage to resist and change the channel, I am out. If I were to accidentally flip to the All Morrissey MTV channel the affect would be rather like the comfy chair episode of The Tick. I would never wake up until by some twist of fate and prophecy, a young maiden came and woke me up with a kiss. Of course, given my penchant for falling asleep on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, every airport anywhere, metro trains and buses, random beds (or perhaps, non-random) and even bookshelves, one would think that I require no sleep aids whatsoever. One would be right. I am just saying that Morrissey is boring. Seriously boring. Boring like a drill.

A Lament for Brian Beer Pong

I weep for our species. We have lost a great blog. Brianbeerpong is no more. He was funny. He was odd. He was clearly ripping on some tool from his college or, perhaps, high school. He annoyed the shit out of AdorableNotMyGirlfriendNoMatterWhatSheThinks. She never understood him and she contributed to his demise in no small way. She does not understand Stripes either, and perhaps she even misses the point of Animal House as well. She is a misandronystic(is that even a word?) misanthrope. I hope she is happy with herself in her new life.

In Sean Penn news, he has been signed to direct Into the Wild about this guy who died trying to live in Alaska. I read about him when I was travelling to somewhere in high school. This poor bastard had little wilderness training and froze to death in a bus. He had tried to burn a tree in a fire in the bus. He couldn't cut the tree apart because he only had a machete, so he broke a window and shoved the tree through it. I guess that is the Greek quality in action. I am sure that Sean Penn will turn it into a stunning display of human fortitude and the guy will find some hippie chick and they will fall in love and fight off bears with only their hands and live happily ever after.

Get Your Ginormous Bolus Here!

As I was commuting to work this morning, I saw something I found hilarious. I wanted a picture for evidence, but both the subject and I were moving in a non-sympathetic fashion. It was a semi from the 'Bolus Freight Services' company. I nearly lost my train of thought. Images of a truck full of junk being shipped directly to teh l4m3rz (teh l4m3'5?) door danced through my head. Ahh well, sometimes it is the ephemeral thigns in life that we cling to in foolish hope that really make help ruin the rest of the day.

In other news, I was going to post some crap about Sean Penn being a dork, but I just read his brother died. You won a reprieve today Penn, just today.

Objectification of the Human Form

After much deliberation, I submit to you, dear reader, two new celebrities that deserve our hate. Gwyneth Paltrow and Sean Penn. We'll discuss the second person first.

Sean Penn is more of a spectacle now than an actor. His movies get phenomenal press and, for some reason, ridiculous indie cred that far outweighs the efforts he puts into acting in the movie. I have never been impressed with any of his performances, not even the recent one in New Orleans. Everything he does feels like a calculated attempt to convince people that he doesn't know and will never meet on the subway to like him, really like him. Sean Penn is an actor. He is famous because he works in the movies. Is this man really qualified to run around telling everyone how to vote and how to run the world? If he weren't famous, then he would be as coherent as the man who stand on the corner of Mass Ave and 34th St with the sign that reads, "The Vatican protects pedophiles!" As a citizen, his opinions are just as valid as mine, but he seems to think that because he is famous, he knows how our country should operate. Oh really, Mr. Penn, please elaborate on your Mid-East Peace Plan? I am also curious as to how you would implement a comprehensive HIV/AIDs education and prevention plan. What is your opinion on the wide spread use of powerful antibiotics to prevent infections among the infected hordes in Africa? Oh yeah, that right. You don't actually know crap because you studied acting. Sorry, I forgot that you are a pinhead.

I was going to rip on the Paltrow, but I feel like shitting on Sean some more. However, as a blogger I have certain responsibilities. (No, I don't these things are not newspapers people.) So, back to Gwenyth Paltrow. She has been good. Hell, she blew the Brits out the water while she was on her extended stay over there a few years ago. To her credit, she didn't pick up some fake accent. However, her most recent movie seems to have been her naming her child Apple. A sure sign that kid will be a coke addict but I digress. Her catalog has some good movies: Seven, The Talented Mr. Ripley and The Royal Tenenbaums to name the best. However, it also contains Duets which is almost unforgivable. Especially that song she sang that ended up on easy listening stations across the country and runs through my brain due to the fact that my boss in Portland insisted on subjecting us to it, even though she used headphones to listen to her own music. Basically, she has been phoning it in for a while now and the press has been all about her private life. I have began to cringe every time her name is mentioned and that is not good. Come on, Great Expectation? What was that crap? Lets not forget Bounce for christ's sake. Her IMDB listing is starting to stink worse than an apple diaper dumpling. Take a break and remember what is important. The performance on screen, not the cookiness off screen.

Harrison Ford and Angelina Jolie were brought up as possible targets of hate, but Ford has not had the tawdry off screen life even though his latest movies have all been crap. Air Force One and the other formulaic crud bother me, although I thought the ending to the one about him killing his mistress was neat. Jolie has made good movies in the past, but since Hackers most people just want the boobies. Her private life bugs the hell out of me. Not because of her actions but because people seem to care about it. However, the tide has been against her for a while now. I don't dislike her because she stole a man and a few babies, I dislike her because that seems more important to her than putting out a moving performance in a better than average movie. She would have won my hate if she proselytized more about UNICEF and was photographed carrying more sacks of grain in Africa and then shooting at the Un helicopters to get their attention. That would totally deserve my rage. However, since she is one of the few that even remembers that Africa exists and more people die from the incessant fighting and AIDs than die from tsunamis, I guess she is off the hook for now.

Which Celebrity Shall We Hate Next?

Well, with all the hilarious hating of Tom Cruise also known as the New Michael Jackson, I have been taking names for our next nationally hated celebrity. Who shall we hate next? I was thinking Will Smith at first, but then I decided that others may have a different opinion and that this could be even funnier with other people's input. So, in the spirit of the uber-democracy of teh internets, why don't my two readers list their suggestions and at least one decent reason to hate their suggested celebrity. We'll start with celebrities of music and movies first, because they are pretty universally odd. If you have to explain who the person is, they don't count. (Just to prevent all you Amitabh Bachchan haters from exploiting my site.)

Newest Hated Celebrity: Will Smith
Reason(s): Hitch, The Legend of Bagger Vance, Wild Wild West, Men In Black 1&2. In addition, we shall hate Will Smith for having the pull and influence to make decent, challenging movies and choosing to star in Shark Tale. Whatever happened to the Will Smith from Six Degrees of Separation?

Other celebrities I was tossing around: Angelina Jolie, Halle Berry, Tom Hanks and Steven Spielberg. I think Spielberg is a little too easy.

Daily Show: No Longer?

So, I just woke up and I wanted a weather forecast so I turned on the television. It was left on NBC last night due to my late night viewing of SNL. I wanted a weather report and I got Meet the Press. This is my new favorite fake news show. It was hilarious! A guy pretending to be Bill Frist was denying his prior actions in the Schiavo incident. He said that there was no anatomical way to declare someone to be in a PVS, it is only a clinical diagnosis. (I do not know the difference, but it sounded funny!) He then said the funniest thing! He had learned from the incident! The actor playing Bill Frist said the American people do not want government involved in medical decisions like this. This is hilarious! It's like he is saying that the Republican leadership is going to stop arguing about abortion, assisted suicide and PVS decisions. Man, I was dieing. Just rolling around clutching my side. This show just knocked the Daily Show from its vaunted, lofty position in the fake news I watch.

UPDATE: 11:19 AM: I just found out that Meet the Press isn't a fake news show at all. This means that really was Frist. This means that Frist is a complete (insert favorite insult here).

Advice About Landlords When Looking For Apartments

As Dave Chappelle said, "If your landlord is a crackhead, you got to have rent."

I gave a check to a woman who wanted me to rent a room in her house. After being denied 5 or 6 places because I was an alleged male and thus allegedly filthy, I was getting desperate for an apartment. I also only had one week to move as the parental units had decided it was high time to sell their house. The morning of our appointment she calls me and asks for twenty more minutes before I come over. Ok. No problem, early mornings are rough. But it is a Wednesday, maybe she just needs to call work to tell them she might be late, I think to myself. After waiting outside, I see the place and it is a room in her house. The room has not yet been vacated, but whoever was currently residing in it was actually filthy. The closet is full of open and half empty bottles of gatorade and other sports drinks. The mattress has no sheets and looks like it was rescued from a condemned, defunct homeless shelter. The floor is stained and the room reeks. The hardwood floor has been damaged by what I hoped was only sports drinks. It is about ten feet by ten feet. I ask how much and she replies with $450. She says that she would be willing to cut breaks on the rent if I can fix certain ailments around the house like the leaky bathroom window, the rotten grout in the bathroom tile, and the damaged floors. Warning! I ignore this with some mumbled non-committals. I ask if that includes utilities and she says no. There is no central air and she says that everything is divided by fourths, including cable (she has the only box in the basement), high speed internet, and all utilities. I think this is preposterous given the amount of appliances I saw plugged into her outlets in the basement, but I am desperate and she says that in the summer it typically only comes to $75 each. In the winter she claims that it typically runs up to $150 each. I ask if she publishes the utility bills. She says no. Warning!

A little bit about this landlady. She is 30 something and has been smoking cigarettes too long. She seems vehemently liberal which is a plus, but then she admits to not having had a job ever since her parents bought her this house. Warning! We sit down to talk turkey and she details a bare bones lease agreement. I get out my checkbook. I ask her about the garden and she talks about her projects that she pretends to work on. I garden and I can tell that she hasn't been out doing a damn thing for at least a month, given the amount of weeds growing out back. Warning! I ask her about parties as I think, it won't be that bad. I can still bike to work and I'll be near the Metro and stuff. She says that during the summer, yeah she likes to throw some parties. I ask her about drug use and clarify that if I see anything worse than weed, including LSD, than I will have moved out before her hangover clears up the next day. She responds with a declaration of how she doesn't like to infringe on anyone else's good time but there are limits. I restate my position and say that if I see any coke, I will be gone and to hell with the lease. She says, almost direct quote, 'oh yeah, man, I have had my own problems with coke and I totally understand your position.' What? Warning! 'I mean, I get some coke in me and I can't stop. I know this guy who always has some and when we get together, I always find myself three or four months down the road totally strung out and hurt.' Warning! Now, I am a person who understands that problems take time, but I am not a dipshit. I also understand the difference in acknowledging a problem and getting help with said problem. This was not the case with her. I handed her the check I had finished writing as she spoke. I made my pleasantries and then left. The next day I called her to tell her I was not going to rent the place and put a stop payment on that check. I just saw her listing on craigslist. She needs two new roommates and the rent is now $600 for the same shitty rooms I saw.

She passes herself off as a roommate instead of the owner. She has a periodic coke problem. The house is falling apart and the rooms are tiny for the money. Some people just want too much.

Underwear: Evolution

I missed the showing of Dead Ringers last night at the AFI theater because I was wrong about the showtime. The entire night was all thrown off. I made my first mistake by getting the time wrong. My second mistake was walking in 30 MPH winds. It was pretty freaking cold. The third mistake of the night was getting a burrito at Baja Fresh. That was freaking awful. Their burritoes are generally of poorer quality, but I find their sauces and salsas to be more than acceptable, at least in terms of variety of flavors. I ended up with their burrito mexicano and chicken. As I was paying, they said they were out of chicken so I went with the steak option. This was the first warning sign. The second sign that told me to go elsewhere was that they were closing as I ordered. The burrito was scraped together from all the leftovers and was in no way fresh as the name implied. I had ample oppurtunity to cancel the order and follow my gut out the door, but I was stubborn for some cloacular reason and waited. I put some medium pico and salsa verde in two extruded petrolium byproduct containers, received my burrito and chips and forged out into the wind to go get a seat for the movie. Upon my arrival, I found that I was almost an hour late for the start of the movie and felt stupid. So I went around the corner and got a ticket for Underworld: Evolution. I probably should have seen Good Night and Good Luck or The Squid and the Whale, but I am a little politicalled out right now. Besides, I have all of next week to entertain myself before the nuclear apocalypse.

Underworld was ok, I guess. The cargo container sex scene was straight up fan service. The rest of it fit together well, but the beginning seemed to be a prelude to a completely different set of movies compared with the first. This was smoothed over in an acceptable way. Being more than a little colorblind, I found the excessive use of angry eyes contacts to be a little annoying, simply because I couldn't tell if someone's eyes were grey, blue, pink, silver or whatever. This wouldn't be a problem if it wasn't blatantly clear that it was important to the story. I should totally call the ADA about this violation of my rights. As an aside, apparently iodine is reddish brown. I have always thought it was bright green.

A Series of Links

These stories are all pretty old but I only just found them.

Rock planet found.

Dead worlds from 2003.

Big rock planet found.

Strange star systems.

More wild wacky stellar stuff.

I like Says You and this is a link.

The Coffee Shop Near Work Nearly Burned to the Ground Yesterday

Because I found out they were holding out on me. They hide the crumb cake until the afternoon. I was close to calling down the fires of heaven and rendering the employees into a fine red paste and salting the smoking hole that was left by the meteors with their blood. This was the legacy of my ancestry flaming within me. I wanted them to cower in fear and acquiesce to my demand for the crumb cake. I held fire in my right hand and brimstone in my left. I could destroy shatter the sky with my righteous fury. Thus is the cycle of father's family renewed. Had I been in an airport or car rental agency, my rage would have burst forth like a fiery Athena and smote all in an futile effort to sate my lust for vengeance.

I didn't even glare at the employees that delivered this unholiest of unholy news, I just looked at them. No frown. No sneer. Just a flat, deadly look. They were sore afraid. The poor girls backed away from the counter. I calmed the raging inferno that was my being with the knowledge that it wasn't their fault. I left without incident after gathering my expensive espresso drink. Should I next see the manager, she will not be so lucky.

Although, in hindsight, I bet I looked like a bit of psycho to the three people in line because they were definitely looking at me with odd expressions.

A Challenger to Butterstick's Throne

Butterstick isn't the sole provider of cute in the world. I submit this photo as evidence.


The A-Rod has issued a challenge. Huzzah! Whatchoo got now, B-Stizzle?

FYI: This is not my child.

I Needed Another Reason, Really I Did

Everyone else will be blogging better than I about this subject today. How badly can a person screw up a Presidency? I suppose a better question would be, how badly does a person have to screw up for all of the people that voted for him to rescind their support?

If anybody is looking for me, I'll be at this. I wonder if I'll get arrested. I am not likely to throw rocks or anything, but the police in DC are not known for being all that intelligent during these events. Ah well, I suppose I ought to dust off my Circle Jerks and other punk music to get in the mood. Who am I kidding? I was never punk.

A very CleverGirl sent me these links, but since she is not a presence on the internet, I had to dream her up out of pixiefairy dust.

Moron the subject.

Yet More Musical Diversion

Friday the 20th, I went out with some peeps from my hood to see some shizzle down at the coffee shop. This coffee shop was in Vienna, VA and is harder to get to than Vienna, Austria. This show would have been so much cooler if it hadn't been all ages. And in Virginia. In case you haven't heard yet, Virginia is the worst state in the Union.* Everything is spread out and crappy. The suburbs do not end and are in no way entertaining or interesting. Traffic is non-stop and the singles scene would give you something horrible.** All ages shows can reliably and cogently labeled as a bad idea.***

Anyway, the peeps and I were there to see some people play instruments in a coordinated fashion. The first group runs under the monniker of Pepper's Ghost. It is guessed that they may be some sort of Beatles cover band. They were ok, but could use a little tuning. They did a pretty good cover of In My Life, but it was not tweaked at all.

The headliners were Washington Social Club. These guys were pretty darn good. I found that I could understand all of the lyrics and they were well written songs. The sound was much more professional than the previous group and they felt like quality musicians that had time to really gel as a group. I would definitely go see them again. I am even likely to go buy their album. May God damn you, fulsome, and take you and all your indie rock cred straight to hell. This is all your fault.

A moment of your time, if you will, for a discussion of all ages shows. The discussion:
Side A: All ages shows suck.
Side B: Yes, but how do they suck?
Side A: They suck because there are children running around in misfits sweatshirts that have never even heard any of them.
Side B: I would argue that all ages shows suck because they make you feel like a dirty old man.
Side A: I must agree but I shall add that all ages shows make me feel like I have snuck into some rival high school's dance.
Side B: Do you have anything further to enter into evidence?
Side A: When kids bump into you, people give you dirty looks if you bump back. Where's my cane?

*In a poll of recent people who write on this blog.
**I have only been on two, ok, three dates in VA and they were only below average. I am not an expert on the social aspects of Virginia.
***Completely true. Damn jailbait, Girls Gone Wild wannabes.

Music is Potatoetally Diverting: The Pietasters

I went to the Pietaster's show at the 930 Club on the 7th of January. The second of the three opening acts was terrible. I can't even remember their band name. The bassist had a wireless, so drool all you want Pop Ren, but remember that they still sucked. Anyway, the bassist was pretty athletic and stuff, jumping around and getting all fancy, but he was nothing compared to the guitarist. This guy was all over the place. He even did a somersault while playing. This may be a truly average trick, but it was the first time I'd seen it and I was desperate for some reason not to rip my ears off and stab my eyes with a straw.
The Slackers were up next. These guys are really good ska. They have a sound that is sterotypical ska, but not in the bad way. They have the suits and the talent. Checkout their site and their music if you like that sort of thing. Me, I hate music and never go to shows. Musicians piss me off.
The Pietasters are good. The show was good. They're good all over. After a few songs they played one of my personal favorites, Biblical Sense, which was nice. I was peeved by the 930 Club's decision to list only the Pietasters on their website and then run three opening bands. This delay was unexpected and unappreciated by me and my company. I am not a fan of that establishment because of their ripoff convenience charge scam and tickets dot com can go suck an egg. I had to pay as much in fees as I paid for the tickets. But the music was good. Check this linky dink to make your own decision.

My Favorite Position

Allow me to restate my position. I do not have the authority to tell someone how to make a choice in life and neither does anyone else. The exceptions are parents and the state in public health and safety areas. Canuck, you have declared that you feel that you can make other's decisions for them. This ability stems from a perceived moral superiority on your part. This is where we differ.

My perceived moral superiority moral comes is derived from a desire to let people make their own choices and even mistakes. A person should be taught responsibility (how is a topic for another discussion.) and should pay for any harm caused to individuals or society at large. Free will is an important part of our society and should be protected. This does mean that people are free to invent the wheel chair and have sex. People are free to get pregnant or buy cars. There are consequences to every action. If someone were to perform an action that is deemed harmful to society, then they should be punished. This is why we have a legal system. These learned people determine whether harm has been caused and exert a suitable punishment. Barring certain science fiction scenarios, abortion is not harmful to society. The great and unholy act of gay marriage, or marriage in general, shall be discussed at a later date.

Canuck, your perceived morality stems from a position of claimed authority. According to your comments, you know better than others how to handle questions of morality and thus should be allowed to dictate actions. I do not know the source of your morality but I am curious. You have claimed that you are not a Christian, so I remain curious. Your handle indicates that you might descend from those crazy socialists known as Canadians. If this is so, why do you even care what goes on in a moralistic debate of such a pointless topic for your political life? An American decision about the legality or morality of abortion won't have any import for foreigners until we have run much further down the Great Big List of Reasons to Bomb Other People. Furthermore, your claim that only liberals have abortions is completely ridiculous. If you were able to prove that, I might never blog again.

I derailed a bit at the end. I really don't understand why anyone cares if someone they don't know has an abortion. What does it matter?

Pursuant to That Subject, Vis a Vis, Cinema

I went to the American Film Institute's Silver Theater in Silver Spring, MD yesterday for their showing of Spider as part of the Cronenberg Retrospective. I liked it and tried to look up the review in the AV Club that I am always mentioning, but it was either buried in their subscription service or no longer archived digitally. In any event, I liked the aura of menace and insanity. I am going to see Dead Ringers on Friday and The Dead Zone on Saturday. Those should be thoroughly bizarre.

A linky dink for the cinema creep in everyone.

I Guess This is Completely Uncool

Baywatch Hasselhoff You are Baywatch Hasselhoff. You're up for running around on the beach with hotties, as well as tanning, smiling, and being as buff and sexy as being Hasselhoff will allow. You also like to think that you've actually saved a few lives as a lifeguard; but that's just the product of some other, far more sinister, psychological "quirk." Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

More on the Subject

Nail Gun Massacre.

I really can't emphasis how horrible this movie is. It isn't as bad as Bloodrayne, although only because it is clear that the director cared enough to do more than one take. The only way you know he tried more than one take is due to the so-called Deleted Scenes and Outtakes which are really just effed up takes.

The plot is simplistic and has a Friday the 13th part 2 ending. The dialogue is worse and most of the actors look like they were hillbillies that were roped, probably literally, into performing because they were the first people the director saw on the street/dirt road after setting up his shots.

In a town, and I use the term extremely loosely, of maybe fifty to a hundred people, perhaps 30 people are killed by a nail gun. The sheriff has trouble figuring out how the killer got people to stand still enough for him/her to hammer in the nails. Even though the only obvious sources of employment in the town are the sheriff's office, coroner's office and the multitude of construction sites, the sheriff has never heard of a nail gun. No one stops to inform him of this miracle of modern tool design, but whatever, after all they aren't paid enough to remember their lines.

The director, Terry Lofton, is proud of his creation, which is cool. He apparently got his start as a stuntman for the Dukes of Hazzard, which is even cooler. He makes comments in the commentary over the Deleted Scenes and Outtakes that are essentially him asking for money to make the sequel, which is by far the coolest part of the movie. Terry Lofton has giant, brass balls.

Next to see: California Axe Massacre

Some Movie Reviews

The Forbidden Zone
What can I say about this movie that has never been said before. Pretty much everything. It was recommended to me by a friend from college, we shall call him ZZorro. ZZorro and I share a love of the crappiest films of all time. We differ in other areas, but in terms of crapfests, we are in synergy.

This movie was not really craptacular. Richard Elfman wrote and directed this movie, using that word fairly loosely, and Danny Elfman wrote most of the lyrics and songs. I thought this movie seemed odd and more like a few slapped together viniettes and I was right. According to IMDB's trivia page, that is exactly what it was. The Elfman brothers wanted to string together their musical numbers and jotted down some story. Normally, this would either involve songs that were vaguely similar in nature or topic or a very imaginative writer. Neither of these requirements were met. This is not to say that the result is not hideously fascinating or even boring. In fact, I think that this movie is of an extremely rare breed and was pretty funny. I thought at first that Richard Elfman was trying to unseat Rocky Horror Picture Show for midnight madness. Then I thought that they had hired the first person who admitted to being a writer at the California Penitentiary for the Criminally Insane. I sat there laughing and watching and I finally realized that I just didn't care. The Forbidden Zone is great, psychedelic(in the proper use of the term), musical, bizarre fun.

If you think this movie sounds nifty, try: Dead Alive(Best Movie Ever Featuring a Room Full of Zombies and a Lawnmower), Blood and Donuts(Best Movie with Donuts in the Name Only), Demon Wind(Best Movie Ever Featuring Demon and Wind in the Name Only) or

Bloodrayne: The Musical starring Gene Hackman

dontEATnachos and I saw Bloodrayne last night. If I were the type of person who used one word to describe movies, then that word would be: hypertension.

If you thought the Kill Bill movies were bad because of all the blood, well then you'll love Bloodrayne. Every single cut and clash on anyone but the, ahem, heroine produces voluminous amounts of pressurized blood. Pretty much every peon had at least 3 gallons spray from them for even the smallest slash. These people were fountaining blood, probably close to ten feet. It was pretty silly. Doubly so because you got plenty of opportunity to see this happen. I guess Uwe Boll is not a fan of the old standby, "if they're not important characters, they die offscreen or in the background."

This brings me to the fighting and swords. I finally figured out, during the training quasi-montage, what bugs me about some old television shows and this movie. Swords. If they look like crap, you have lost. The swords looked like they had been cut from slabs of sheetmetal. They were blatantly thick and notched. I guess the notching means that someone, somewhere used them for fighting and perhaps even training. You can't really tell from watching the movie. It seemed more like the actors were given their swords and then given a bunch of Sinbad and Zena episodes and told to watch them and then imitate and improvise for the fight scenes. "Don't worry, we'll pack the extras with so much blood that as soon as you graze one of them, it'll look like you just attacked a blood bank." Not a single one of the swords looked even remotely cool. They looked like the swords I used to make in my garage with old fence slats and silver spray paint. This just enhanced the overall silliness of the fight scenes.

As I said above, the fight scenes looked like someone had given the actors a cursory introduction to previous movies with sword fights and then said, "You're actors, go act like your fighting." Everything was slow and odd-looking. In the climactic fight scene it looks like Uwe removed a few frames to speed it up but then forgot to actually speed up the film to make up for the missing frames. The result, instead of looking cool, looks like a live movie on a dial up connection, just skipping around. Stick your sword in the a-yer and wave like ya just don't ka-yer!

If you are a fan of movies and theater, or even just acting in general, then you will have little to watch in this movie. Michael Madsen doesn't so much phone it in as he does fulfill the basic requirements of his job description so he can get the cash and walk. Meat Loaf seems to be playing Hedonism Bot from Futurama and looks ridiculous, his entire scene was completely unnecessary. Billy Zane. Enough said. Ben Kingsley, well, everyone likes money. What can really be said about Udo Kier and Michael Pare that hasn't been said already? Kristianna Loken and Will Sanderson(he plays a nemesis-type) seem to be the only people who weren't clued in to the fact that no one else cared enough to actually work in this movie. They actually try to emote and be their characters. In any other movie, she would probably look like a block of wood, but in this movie she deserves an Oscar, comparatively. Will Sanderson looked a bit like he knew that somebody, somewhere might see him and release him from eternal bondage to Uwe Boll. This is his fourth movie with Boll and his fifth comes out in the winter(the Dungeon Siege movie). The odd thing is that it is his fourth Boll movie and he still gives it his all. Lastly, but most definitely not least, Michelle Rodriguez. The accent comes and goes as does your desire to see her in another movie ever. After seeing her in Lost, Resident Evil and this movie, I figured out what I don't like about her. Everything.

A moment of your time for a discussion of wigs. It is my belief that the actors all got together and had a wig meeting. Those that were wearing them for the movie all seemed to have them cocked at an angle that can only be described as jaunty. Billy Zane's (what purpose did he really serve?) wig was the worst. Although Meat Loaf and one the main characters were both pretty bad. Ben Kingsley is the only one who didn't get the memo or wasn't in on the joke, I guess, because his wig is straight and looks ok, for a wig.

In general, the more of a stink fest a movie is, the more I like it. I can't wait for the director's cut of Doom for chrissakes. There are a variety of ways to make a crappy movie. You can have a crappy movie like The Sword and the Sorceror or even the worst American movie ever, which I proudly own. You can even have a crappy movie like Pulp Fiction or Alexander. These people all tried to make the movie of their dreams. Uwe Boll, however, seems to be making the movies of a film freak's nightmares. They are so perfectly awful, I hope they never close that loophole. This is far more creative than having a hut in the Caribbean. I want these movies to get more and more expensive and have the largest cast of A-listers ever. I want Uwe Boll to issue a statement on his deathbed detailing how he just didn't care, but a man's gotta work. Uwe Boll is laying it all out there for us. He doesn't care about anything other than money. He is the only honest, producer/director related to Hollywood. Everybody else can try to claim they want to make cinema but then this movie comes out. Or this. Or this stinker. In summary, Uwe Boll has cut right to the heart of what's wrong with Hollywood and set up a studio.

PS This is blogger's spell checker suggestion for Bloorayne: Bladdernut. How is Bladdernut in the dictionary?

UPDATE: I know this is really late, but it is very important. This is the Onion's review of Bloodrayne. Although, I bet only my bro, dandrobium, and dontEATnachos will care.

They're Mine Now, BITCH!

I stole these from Pinko's house* while I was in SF for New Year's!

HA HA!1!!1!!!! I ate them, COBAG!

UPDATE: The thumbnail is not working properly, click the picture to see the semi-goodness. The peanut butter one was too sweet and detracted from the overall pretzel and chocolate combo. Not to be mistaken with Combos, because those suck.

*I didn't, actually. I just bought them because they were at the market by my office.

Most Best Awesomest in the Universest!

I saw this and, if it is true, then Uwe Boll is so much cooler than I thought. Given the inherent fudgability of digital documents, I hesitate to proclaim it, but it is still a better explanation of the Boll Effect than anything I have seen yet.

Check it out.

Seven things to do before I die:

1. Sell a screenplay and make an awesome movie.
2. Sell a screenplay and make an Uwe Boll (suck ass) type movie
3. Conquer a small island nation. (Like the UC's)
4. Play an instrument so fine that chicks throw me their money.
5. Make a theremin.
6. Become a lawyer and sue the shit out of some asshole that really deserves it, like GWB, and give the money to create a public stem cell research grant.
7. Go hiking in the Carpathian Alps with an unlimited budget of both time and money.

Seven things I cannot do:
1. Use crayons or markers effectively. (I am very colorblind.)
2. Tolerate ignorance. (I am very smart and learned.)
3. Shut up when drunk.
4. Shut up when bored.
5. Shut up at all.
6. Get my point across in thirty seconds or less. (See Numbers 3, 4, 5.)
7. Give up.

Seven things I say most often:

1. Cobag. (I say this all the freaking time now, even to non-blog people.)
2. Bush is a cobag.
3. Bush allowed the attacks to happen.
4. I'm serious.
5. I'm fine.
6. I'm not angry.
7. No, really, I'm not angry, it's just my eyebrows that hate this conversation.

Seven books I love:

1. Snow Crash - Neal Stephenson
2. Perdido Street Station - China Mieville
3. Earth Abides - George R. Stewart
4. The Complete Works of Plato - Plato (duh.)
5. Starship Troopers - Robert Heinlein
6. Nine Stories - J.D. Salinger
7. Cathedral - Raymond Carver (How's that for a pretentious list?)

Seven movies I watch over and over:

1. Lord of the Rings (How original of me.)
2. Swimming Pool (Oh yeah, that's right, it's awesome.)
3. The Quiet Earth (Best Ever Australian Movie Featuring the End of the World, Maybe)
4. Deep Rising (Best Ever Shotgun Drive-By On a Skidoo in a Treat Williams Movie)
5. Orgazmo (Best Ever Fake Porno Movie Starring More Porn Than Non-Porn Actors)
6. Animal House (Best Ever, um, Ever?)
7. Casablanca (Best Ever Movie With A Still-Debated Sex or No Sex Scene)

Seven songs I play over and over again:

1. Folsom Prison Blues - Johnny Cash
2. Get Rythym - Johnny Cash
3. Sunday Morning Coming Down - Johnny Cash
4. The Wanderer - Johnny Cash/U2
5. The Man Comes Around - Johnny Cash
6. Hurt - Johnny Cash (If anybody has a problem with this, please address my anus.)
7. is it alright? - The Lovemakers (Screw you, Pinko! These people are good.)

Seven things that attract me to ..... blogging:

1. I can just keep posting and pretending people read it.
2. Sometimes I even post original crap.
3. The word cobag.
4. The voices can all get a chance to talk and you all think I am one person.
5. Indulging my ego. (Have you seen the name of my blog?)
6. No matter what I write, it will never change anything.
7. People think that blogs affect real life. (What a bunch of morons. Politicians are not going to read these and tremble unless you have 6,000,000 hits a day.)

Seven people that I want to join in too:

Everyone I know has already been hit. So, I guess that's that. And Friday the 13th is coming up. I'm boned.

Quotes from Morons, Part 2

I will only mention her once, because she seems to be a little too easy. Michelle Malkin had this stunning revelation about the Governor of Louisiana.(I don't care to give the details for the quote she whines about, but I am sure they deserve credit. It suffices to say the words aren't mine. The bold text in the quote is my addition.)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blanco was out of the country Tuesday, studying flood-control measures in Holland, and unavailable to comment.
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She's in Holland???
Maybe she's shopping for more office furniture.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

No, you twit. Your own quote from the article clearly describes the purpose of her visit. In case my two readers aren't aware, even though I am sure they are, 60% of Holland lies below sea level. Jared Diamond, despite my beef with him(He stole my girl!), said, in a speech at the Lisner auditorium on the GWU campus in DC in March 2005, that the Dutch flood control administration is most corruption free government project in the world and has been for 40? 50? years. Clearly, we know two things: when the Governor of Louisiana needs help, she goes to the undisputed experts and that Michelle Malkin is a dumb moron.

I was going to post some responses to a comment of mine over at IMAO, but apparently they don't ban people. This sucks. I was really hoping to just wade back into that with a ban from a complete bunch of first generation cobags, instead of their dounchemonkey reposters like SeanS or jermcool. I am not going to walk in and swear for a while and get banned that way, because it is lame. If that's what I have to do to get banned, it isn't worth it. I guess there are always those sites with the USS Constitution on them. Those guys seem really touchy. Anybody else have any ideas?

Tarantula Tuesday

Helob hasn't eaten anything in about three weeks. I thought he looked fat, so I haven't fed him. I will be picking up some crickets some time this week and putting them in his cage, but I doubt he'll eat them. He is a picky spider.

For more information about tarantulas as pets and to order them, this guy seems to know stuff.

My New Home

My next residence will likely be Leavenworth Federal Penitentiary. If I am lucky, I will get Folsom prison and be able to sing the eponymous song by the ever awesome Johnny Cash.

For those who are wondering why I am going to prison, I direct you to the right side of my page where you will see the list entitled "People Who Don't Appreciate My Comments." Apparently, some of them have friends in high places because this just happened.

I hope my roommates are gentle.

Descartes, Astrophysics and the Bible

Descartes was a very smart man. He was a devout Christian and a mathematician. He was so devout he made a coherent attempt to prove the existence of God through logic. Descartes was smarter than me and I will now borrow some of his arguments.

Given that God is all good and all truth. Given that we have proof that there are other planets in the solar system. We have proof of other planets in systems beyond our own.

If all three of these items are true, then how is the Bible, supposedly the word of God, even remotely close to the truth? God is not a deceptive being. Deception is not a good trait for a being that defines itself as good. Deception is based on untruth and manipulation. Neither of these traits are good, Therefore God is not deceptive.

If we accept the proof of these planets and stars which, as rational individuals, we must, then we Must accept also that God did not solely create Earth when God created the heavens and earth. Since God is not deceptive, these stars exist and so do the planets we have found. We should change the Bible to read "On the second day, God created the heavens and the earths." None of these other planets are specifically covered in Genesis.

The Bible is the word of God. I postulate then that the word of God my have been correct but the ears of Man were, and remain, flawed. If we have misheard God about the creation of the heavens and the earth then perhaps we have misheard God about all the rest of the junk in the Bible.

However, it could be argued that the stars and planets were all created at the same instant as the Earth and God just didn't find it necessary to tell us about them. If God told the (as yet unfound)inhabitants of these other planets that they were God's sole creation, then God would be lieing and there goes the whole foundation of Christianity. Thus, God must have told all the other people on all the other planets that humans were made in God's image and not the others. Unless they all look like us. But which us would these aliens look like?

Quotes from Morons, Part 1: Jermcool the Stupid

So Jermcool thinks he is the sole arbiter of stupidity. I present evidence that this is quite possibly true.

A recent post of his is titled:
Thursday, January 05, 2006 Continuation of Stupidity

This is a solid admission that he is, in fact, stupid. It does not require analysis as he has stated the situation clearly.

Ah, Chuckles. If anyone cared about your opinion, we'd visit your website. Now go away.
JermCool | Homepage | 12.29.05 - 5:34 am | #

You did visit his website.
Yosef | Homepage | 12.29.05 - 10:07 am | #

These comments are copied from the post: Wednesday, December 21, 2005 A filthy Iran (A Precision Guided Attempt-At-Humor Assignment)

This is further evidence that this man is indeed quite stupid. It is strange that his blog is titled "Abolition of Stupidity." Perhaps it is his own stupidity he is trying to exorcise by expelling it into the internet. As a counter argument, Jermcool could just have the memory of a goldfish. I do not hold to this counter because he is able to assemble paragraphs and that requires some form of mnemonic capacity beyond five seconds.

These next comments were removed by Jermcool from his site. Fearing that this might happen, I copied the interaction before he could delete it. However, you have only my word on this, so I expect some of you might not believe me and to you I say, you are a cobag. Here they are from the previously mentioned post "Continuation of Stupidity":

I am glad to see that you have not ceased your stupidity.

Long may your stupidity reign supreme and may you have many heirs that will continue your stupidity.

This is just too easy. Make me work for it a little.
Chuckles | Homepage | 01.05.06 - 4:24 pm | #

Awww, Chuckles, I know you *think* you're amusing, but really...you're dull! Don't you have something - you know - relevant to say? At all?

Sorry! Silly me. You're a liberal.
JermCool | Homepage | 01.05.06 - 5:02 pm | #

It just occurred to me that my previous comment may be too hard for you to comprehend. Let me try it this way:

Bad Chuckles! No biscuit!
JermCool | Homepage | 01.05.06 - 5:07 pm | #

Also, insulting me is a good way to make sure you don't get read. I don't live in the US. I have no First amendment rights here to defend. Go cry on Helen Clark's shoulder if it makes you feel better.
JermCool | Homepage | 01.05.06 - 5:09 pm | #

Isn't your post entitled "Continuation of Stupidity"? Do you even read the stuff you write?

Come on, man, give yourself some credit! You made three attempts at comebacks and failed! It's fish in a barrel time and you show up to this gunfight with a knife! At least arm yourself with a line that hasn't been used by your buddy SeanS.
Chuckles | Homepage | 01.05.06 - 5:21 pm | #

Apparently, the bearer of stupidity thinks I am dull. I shall now die mortified with the utter shame of it all. Click here to expose yourself to Mr. Stupid Himself.

Gotta Love Google

A quick search with google turned up this gem. A quick look at the product ID and you can see that not everyone has discovered the stigma associated with that word.

UPDATE: I notice that this company chooses to remain gendered by introducing cogirlbag to the world. As if there were some difference in the world of cobags.

New Year, New Rules

Some of my family may even now be reading this blog. I will not be editing myself or any of the comments. I stand by the First Amendment and all the rest of them, even as I lament the sad fact that some people feel the need to buy guns and bake them into cakes. I would link, but the posers that do this sort of thing banned me from even viewing their site. I guess they got scared and had to call their mommies to bail them out.

Since fulsome has already covered this day quite well, I will leave well enough alone. Except to say that I am still hungry.

In regards to the rest of my West Coast Weekend, my fans got plenty of me and my enemies, not enough. There was an interesting(not really) argument about the deficiency of the Mercator Projection of the world and so I shall know present some sites.

People who care more about this than me: One, Two, and Three.

Ok so the last one wasn't about maps at all. But it would have been more fun to talk about than mapping a sphere on a flat surface.

Pop Renn, sorry about your toilet...

AS AN ASIDE: Blogger's spell checker doesn't even know 'blog'. This may be more interesting than my previous statement. Discuss and write a 15-20 page white paper on the creation and maintenance of dictionaries that also cover slang. A minimum of 10 citations required.

WEstern Thought Wednesday: Same Old Schtick

So science is cool. I like my computer and my cellular telephone and the plane I shall soon fly to the west coast(not that I own a plane or anything). I like drinking clean water, not getting the measles and the glasses I wear to help me see things more than a foot away from my face. Science helps people in a real and quantifiable way. For example, a google search of 'new vaccine' turns up this and this. Intelligent design requires to believe in a supernatural superpower and removes all of our need for ambition. What is the point of asking a question when the answer is always the same? ID is a construct of those who would rather not know anything.

"What makes the Sun so hot, Daddy?" "Well, son, the intelligent designer." "Is that why babies keep coming out of Mommy?" "Well, yes, son, it is."

An intelligent design follower, and I use the word follower because it is a Christianic creationist, umm, creation, upon being diagnosed with small pox should, if this person's belief system were consistent, refuse these vaccines and insist that the intelligent designer would have made us resistant to these diseases if he/she/it wanted.

Let us for a moment appreciate the situation inherent in intelligent design. A being of unfathomable intelligence designed all of existence and everything and yada yada yada. Still with me? Good, cause I am about to get all weird on you. ID requires us to then believe that mosquitoes were designed as were bunnies, elephants, pandas, smallpox, chlamydia, ectopic(sp?) pregnancies, babies, genetic anomalies, penguins, polar bears, birch tree, flukes, tapeworms, etc. You may see where I am going with this. If there is an Intelligent Designer, it sure seems like he/she/it wants us to die and die horribly.

Anyway, I saw a bumper sticker on a Mercedes the other day that read: I sometimes brake for scientists. The irony, and this is a perfect example of irony as opposed to coincidence, of this statement hit me like a ton of bricks. I thought, "Here is a person who just doesn't get it."

But then you have people who say things like this. And I realized that there are levels to the whole "not getting it" thing.

First of all, Aristotle's Prime Mover could just as easily be a Big Bang, as I interpret it. I wish to readily admit for the clarity of my extremely small readership, consisting mostly of family members, that I have an incomplete grasp of Aristotle, but I have read some. His ethics are interesting even if fulsome disagrees. Don't take my word for it, however, go buy a book of Aristotle's and read it. He writes in accessible fashion and a primary source is better than Buchanan or even me.

Second, I am fairly certain that spontaneous generation is not a part of the Theory of Evolution.

Third, where is the 'Made By The Intelligent Designer' stamp on our asses? Prove it. Show me the evidence.

In conclusion, I shall simply say this: I hope you like it hot and steamy cuz, you got served, yo.

UPDATE: In the interests of my own sense of justice, here are some links to sites that support or clarify the Intelligent Design situation.

A publication.
The NY Times.
The Intelligent Design Network.
John Cashill seems to be a celebrated "independent"(their word) author among the creationists and ID people. Please note that his doctorate is in American Studies and not in evolutionary science or any other science.

PS: I guess you were right about me being angry and also about what I am angry. I stand by my prior statements made while slightly drunk on Friday night.

Tarantula Tuesday

I don't have much to say about Helob the Curlyhair Tarantula. He hasn't done much beyond move around his terrarium and eat all the people who break into my apartment to get at all of my useless crap. I would actually appreciate it if someone stole my television. Then I might read all of the great books I have. Probably not.

In case you haven't heard yet, Johnny Cash rocks and you should run out and download all of his music you can. Since I don't get paid for it, I am not linking to Hamazon Women on the Moon or any of those other sites.

Other People's Opinions

These sites are opinions I respect and with whom I generally agree. If you are visiting from an monitored internet connection due to employment or the NSA thinks you are a potential terrorist, I would not click any of these links as they are extremely likely to contain colorful language.

This guy knows a lot about sex and people. And what he doesn't know he looks up.

These people are the only good, solid movie reviewers I have ever read.

This guy is funny. He is also published in the semi-crappy monthly magazine, Rolling Stone.

And the list ends here. This leaves everyone with a few conclusions. Either I don't respect a whole lot of people, or I haven't been to many sites, or I haven't met many people. I'll just let you decide.

My Next Target

This guy thinks he is hilarious. Therefore, I shall now commence with a fifth attempt to get banned from another conservative blog. Some people may wonder what the freaking point of this exercise in irritation is. I thought it was pretty clear, but for the unenlightened, I explain: By being banned from these sights I demonstrate the site owner's complete aversion to the freedoms of our once great nation. The may claim to be the only one's that can properly protect, defend and enforce the constitution of the United States of America, but really they're just bunch of cobags.

Sex Rights for Everyone!

I was going to write about how much I heart Maureen Dowd and want her book for Christmas, but I got a little sidetracked trying to get banned from The (To Borrow A Phrase) Tiny wiener Buffet.

I am currently digging The Legend of Johnny Cash, an album I bought Wednesday while not buying holiday(eat it COBAGS!) presents.

As an added benefit for those who prefer to stay away from buffets, here is the exchange that has got me seriously worked up. I am almost as mad as when I peed on the ceiling and etc of the Blue Lamp's bathroom.

1. Too bad that we are forbidden from teaching proper condom use in sex education in public schools. If men used condoms without shame then there wouldn't be a need for most abortions, I'd bet. That doesn't mean that I agree at all with pro-lifers, just that we should step up to the plate, men, and admit that it takes a penis to inseminate someone. If every woman magically got pregnant every time she 'opened her legs' there'd be babies everywhere.
What you are truly objecting to, by objecting to abortion, is a woman's ability to make a moral decision. Clearly, you all seem to think that you know exactly how all women should act in any situation. However, given the juvenile nature of the prior comments and the post itself, I would hesitate to let make a moral decision involving a jellyfish, let alone a human life.
comment by Chuckles Wednesday, December 21, 2005 @ 2:58 pm

2. Dear Chuckles,
Like you, Margaret Sanger believed that promoting birth control would stop abortions, she was wrong.
Pretty ironic, don't ya think?
comment by canuck Wednesday, December 21, 2005 @ 3:50 pm

3. Actually, that is more coincidental than ironic, but whatever. During the Clinton years, teen pregnancy rates declined, most likely due to the promotion of proper forms of birth control, as opposed to oh so successful abstinence style. If you had actually read my comment, canuck, you would notice that I said most abortions. If repressed people like you felt no shame in buying condoms or using them, the world would be a better place. I must admit that I get a little embarrassed when I buy condoms, but that is part of the life of a responsible sexually active man.
My main point stands and as you took no shots at it, I guess that canuck feels the same way about morality and abortion. Clearly, canuck feels as I do. I don't claim to be able to dictate morality and neither does he. I congratulate canuck for taking a boldly progressive stance and proclaiming that he is pro-choice and for keeping his mouth shut when it comes to someone elseÂ’s decisions in life. Bravo!
comment by Chuckles Thursday, December 22, 2005 @ 8:24 am

4. Chuckles:
That doesn't mean that I agree at all with pro-lifers, just that we should step up to the plate, men, and admit that it takes a penis to inseminate someone.
No argument there. But I think you may have missed the point of the post to make a rather cliched point.
What you are truly objecting to, by objecting to abortion, is a woman's ability to make a moral decision.
No, the point of the post was that abortion, whether your for it or against it, is not a decision that should be taken as lightly as purchasing clothing.
Say, do you think I should be trusted to make any moral decision?
Why can't I summarily execute someone caught knocking off a grocery store? I'm not trusted with that moral decision. And that is good.
Although many people on both sides of the fence differ on when life begins, abortion is killing a human life. Do you think there ought to be at least some legal limitation? Or does it all fall into one of your clever catch-all phrases?
comment by Cranky Thursday, December 22, 2005 @ 9:28 am

5. Dear Chuckles,
Wow, you're wrong on every point about me. Congrats!
Ms. Sanger believed that if women were allowed birth control, they would not have to get abortions. I find it ironic that she was ever so ever wrong about that. Women didnÂ’t stop abortions after being given birth control, at all. I am a supporter of birth control, big fan of it. No problem buying it. I just found amazing that a woman who, at her time, pushed for the use of birth control to prevent abortions, did no such thing . Instead, women use birth control incorrectly, are still getting pregnant, and instead of taking responsibility (and guys too) they are doing what Ms. Sanger said would stop.
I am pro-life. I do not believe a women has the right to kill an unborn child just cause that baby can not fight back -well, they do try to fight back, while being sucked into a vacuum and into a garbage bag, but really, who can win against a vacuum. So, Mr. Chuckles, you can take your congrats and shove it. I would never want the likes of someone you, who thinks murdering a baby is okay, giving me a congrats for thinking I believe in same thing. Ick. Now I feel dirty and must go shower.
comment by canuck Thursday, December 22, 2005 @ 9:29 am

6. Cranky say: No, the point of the post was that abortion, whether your for it or against it, is not a decision that should be taken as lightly as purchasing clothing.
What in all of creation makes you think any woman anywhere takes abortion lightly? After all the flak a person takes just getting into a clinic, what makes you think she would just say, yeah, screw that little bastard, it'll just screw up my partying! You still have not refuted my point. You are making a declaration that your(notice the possessive) morality is better than anyone who might even consider an abortion. Your(still possessive) statement that people do have flippant(look it up) attitudes toward abortion states that their attitudes are foolish and yours are serious and well-grounded because you regard the issue as serious.
Condoms are, if used correctly, 99% effective in preventing pregnancy and without birth control roughly 80% of copulations(that means sex, children) will produce a pregnancy. If abortion kills a baby, as cranky says, then aren't condoms also killing babies by preventing 79.2 babies being conceived in 100 copulations? Why are condoms acceptable? They prevent the baby from even having a chance of being conceived! Holy crap! It is preventative abortion! Just like Bush and his preventative wars!
In all honesty, cranky, I would not trust you with any moral decision. However, that is a personal opinion and not based on any empirical evidence. Given the anonymous nature of the internet, I give you the benefit of doubt.
Canuck, on the other hand, clearly you went to a far superior high school than I did. Sex Ed at my high school consisted of telling us the methods of birth control but there were no props of even pictures of any birth control technique other than Norplant and abstinence. Man, if only I had actually seen a condom before college and known how to use one and not been ashamed to buy one, my girlfriend would not have had to get a morning after pill. We drove around for hours to find a pharmacy that would give us a prescription and it tore me up inside with the decision. Sure, I loved her and I would have raised any child, but I would never have been able to provide for that baby like I could now. So go point your fucking fingers at someone else, you pathetic schmuck. That decision was the hardest one I was ever a part of so go fuck yourself, get pregnant and then see what you would do, you sad sack of shit.
comment by Chuckles Thursday, December 22, 2005 @ 7:40 pm

Oleki Bango Says: Launch the KITTY MISSILES!

It looks like 3Bulls! aren't the only ones with access to Weapons of Cute Devastation!

EAT THIS, COBAGS!1!!1!


Look at the itty bitty kitty hitty!



Isn't that PRECIOUS!? I WILL DESTROY YOU ALL WITH THIS SALVO OF SUGAR!



Uh oh, those bastard bulls are no longer the sole wielders of the dreaded cat-in-a-sink warhead!



Too bad for the bulls, I have developed a Multiple Impact Reentry Vehicle Warhead Cat-In-A-Sink Cutelear Missile!

Morality

Too bad that we are forbidden from teaching proper condom use in sex education in public schools. If men used condoms without shame then there wouldn't be a need for most abortions, I'd bet. That doesn't mean that I agree at all with pro-lifers, just that we should step up to the plate, men, and admit that it takes a penis to inseminate someone. If every woman magically got pregnant every time she "opened her legs" there'd be babies everywhere. Yoga class would be a freaking maternity ward...

Anyway, to borrow a sentiment from Dr. Bitch, what you are truly objecting to, by objecting to abortion, is a woman's ability to make a moral decision. Clearly, you all seem to think that you know exactly how all women should act in any situation. However, given the juvenile nature of the comments and the post itself, I would hesitate to let you make a moral decision involving a jellyfish, let alone a human life.

Does this meet your exacting standards, AG?

Tomorrow: Either a discourse on Aristotelean Ethics or More Offensively Cute Pictures

Place your bets as to which will actually get posted now.

CAPTION CONTEST!

My entry: "Sex Ed got a little more interesting when the Biology department took over from the gym teacher."

A Bold New Offensive of CUTE!

Awww, look a baby animal lying on its back...could you get any cuter?



Golly! Apparently you can get cuter than a baby animal on its back!



Uh OH! Is this a hold up? Reach for the sky, Mr Winky!

Up Next: A Caption Contest!

New Tactics in the War on...Everything

fulsome may be on to something here. I'll just be totally original and switch tactics, too. Besides, that cow is starting to freak me out.



This seems to be 90% of what the post over at 3Bulls! are anyway. And as a final update, I may have been comepletely kicked off the conservative rant page run by the commissary. Yeah, that's right, I'm calling you a military grocery store!

Finally!

Well, I was finally able to get a comment removed by the shit eaters over at the russian wannabes. Apparently, it is alright for some wannabe political blogging cobag to call me an asshole but it is decidedly uncool for me to ask someone else a pretty rude question. My goal has been met, I think I can just go ahead and forget about pretty much the whole thing. You might be wondering why I want to move to some other inanity. Or as is far more likely, you don't really care.

Horse Flogging:

As fun as hassling morons is, it doesn't get anyone anywhere. This is just as bad as the fools who scream at each other and then agree to disagree after 45 minutes. As relaxing as it may be to yell at someone and insult them in their internet realm, people in reality ought to be able to talk about political shit with a level head. I don't want us all to get along, that would be weird, but I would like us(THEM) to stop hating on the smart people who know what's what(ME).

Happy Holidays!

This whole war on christmas has really got to go. What a waste of time. I must give credit where credit is due as I am sure this was spun out by the same brilliant assbags who brought us the Lewinsky Fiasco '99. The (fake)President only had up to go in his approval ratings and the hit machine (Rove?) came up with this winner of a strategy to get the media talking about anything else. This whole thing sounds like a Hill intern's drunken ramblings to a predatory lobbyist fanatic. These guys should be writing for SNL. I received a message from some fucker who used his organizations email newsletter list to send out a picture of a christmas tree and then scream in bold caps "IT'S A CHRISTmas TREE!" (Emphasis left as was sent) Again, this was sent over a corporate email list. I have always liked spending this time alone, but now I want to spend it murdering these morons.

Just Cuz I'm Hating Today

Pinko Punko is not the only one on the receiving end of full bore Chuck hating...I submit this and this for your perusal.

I found this photo while I raided PP's house during the party of some time back. He has a whole stack of things like this hidden under some dirty magazines. I don't understand why these would be mixed in with hetero porn, but there you have it.

A moment of your time if you will, for reality...

Well, I had a nice break from fantasy land at work. Two of my bosses left town for a week, leaving me stuck squarely in reality or as I like to call it, happy time. Happy time is a place that I don't get to go to all that often at work, mostly because my bosses live in fantasy land.

For instance, one boss insists that his email problems are solely the fault of the server and ISP and not at all his to bear because he never deletes anything. Even spam. He has over twenty thousand emails sitting in his Outlook folders without counting the Deleted Items that never get erased. His inbox alone had 3500 emails sitting in it from April through yesterday, until I started moving them while he is at lunch. I have started calling these operations Ninja Archiving because I have to do them in such a way that he will never know. Move too much and he willknow I was in his system, move too little and his system clogs. I even make sure I put his chair back in its prior angle and declension.

My boss' computer has more viruses that are beaten into submission by Symantec the Super Soldier than I have ever encountered. One of my roommates once had a computer without a firewall or virus protection. His computer gave up and shutdown permanently in a week. My boss insists that his computer is running so slowly becuase it is 18 months old and must have been bad from the start. He is starting to sound like people who say that crimes are committed because children are born bad and not because their parent's share any responsibility. I won't even get into this crap or the whole breakdown of our society by right wing loonies.

My boss also has several spyware and adware programs installed so that when you run any of his four net browsers, you get a bazillion popups. He claims he likes to see the ads of other companies. And then he calls me to turn his popup blocker back on after 30 seconds or so.

I am not even trained as a techie. I just know stuff because I watch everything people do to my computer and poke around on my own. I have destroyed several computers of my own by poking around, but that is how you learn stuff in Pokey McProdsalot's world. As a complete aside to this whole shebang, I really like my job which might say something about the quality of either my reality or my employment history.

Tarantula Tuesday: Anybody have a cricket problem?

I am a happy tarantula father. First, on eBaum's World, I saw a tarantula of the same species that I own, kill and begin eating a mouse. You can find it under the extreme videos section here. So, I thought that was cool, because it means that I could maybe get some mice for my guard tarantula, Helob. Although, I don't think that girls will find me any cooler if I tell them about that.

Anyway, this morning I woke up and exercised and shit. I went to check on Helob to make sure he still had water and a cricket left and he was standing on the tips of his legs(toes?) and eating the last cricket! I had turned on the light to get a good look at his dish and he looked really surprised, sorta like a deer in headlights or a roommate caught looking at porn on your computer.

So now I need to find a new source of basement crickets because that was the last one and my parent's house is now someone else's house. Although, I do still have a key...

Why jobs are awesome

When you are unemployed, the weekend just seems like another day. Now that I have a job, the weekend is a time of relaxation and reflection. I have something seriously cool to pine for during the long hard days of sitting on my ass and blogging while at work.

My jobs rocks, just in case you care. I work for a magazine and spend a lot of time doing actual work on the internet and I am pretty good at it. Let's face it, any man with an internet connection that has spent any time being single and unemployed should be able to find anything on the internet in no time. But I digress. Sometimes at work I get to read neat stuff like this, that even relates to my BA!

Although, sometimes I get to read things like this, which smells an awful lot like the studies performed in the fifties, or whenever, to justify institutional racism. Anyway, it is better than watching extreme videos on eBaum all day.

Now That's a BULL!

These are bulls.

These are not.

A topic for discussion:
The members fo 3Bulls! are neither bulls nor are there three of them.
They are also a bunch of tired pansies. Discuss.

Here we go again, thanks Teh...

Clinton did a far better job of things than people want to give him credit.

Clinton's anti-terror groupies were *actually* hunting OBL and cutting off his fuunding, until they were disregarded and replaced by GWB. Cheney and GWB were all waiting for 9/11 to happen. Those bastards have been making a crapload of money from every disaster they have allowed to happen during their tenure. Cheney even said, "I think these guys[The Clinton Administration] are a little obsessed with this Bin Laden." It is utterly despicable.

Granted, some will say Clinton's economic policies led us to the recession/depression we are in, but trickle-down/supply side economics have been a proven failure since Reagan and Bush the Elder. I won't even speak on Clinton's debt reduction policies, they pretty much speak on their own. Every economist knows that our economy cycles through periods of boom and bust, but this can be mitigated through governmental policies. Some people might say that Clinton's policies could only result in a bust, but while that may be true tax breaks for the wealthy and easing business taxes and regulations only squeeze the little guys.

Please allow me a moment to speak about the 'little guy.' These economic policies of the Commander in Thief (how original of me) are now hurting more of his voters than ever before in the history of the US. People like to say that more people voted for GWB than any other president in history. Well, for you stat whores, more people voted against him than ony other president in history. Now, if you tried to say that he won a higher percentage of the Electorate and Popular votes, you would be wrong. GWB has not won by a higher percentage or by a higher margin. In 2000, disregarding the entire fact THAT IT WAS AN ILLEGALLY CONDUCTED VOTE IN FLORIDA, GWB only won by the seat of his pants. Just like 2004. So, back to the little guy, if more people than ever before voted for the current president, you might think he would take steps to protect all of these people that support him and gave him his job. If only it were so. GWB is out to screw his voters. Don't be foolish in the future, vote for someone who actually gives a shit about you.

Back to rambling about Clinton. So Clinton got some head while he was in the office. Is it more important that he lied about a blow job or that the current lie is killing people every day?(I make no distinction in nationality of those killed.)

So, please, a little respect for a man whose like we are desperate to have again.

I submit: A Topic for Discussion

Why does 3Bulls! suck so hard?

They really suck it raw.

Allow me to get all political on your asses...

I just want to say that before you read all this, it sucks a guy was killed.

The thing that a lot of people don't know about guns on airplanes are these facts:
1: Air Marshalls have been flying with guns for a long time, something like 30 years. Since the start of the program at any rate and I thin the Post said it was in the 60s or 70s.
2: A handgun fired in a plane, even if it directly strikes a window, is not going to cause a massive depressurization of he plane and kill everyone like in the movies.
3: Every system in a plane is at least double redundant. If there is one thing the government does right, it is redundancy. There is no point failure source, except for the pilot and people on board.
DISCLAIMER: The part about the plane's redundancy comes from my brother who works with some guy who flew for the military. As I have not met the guy, it may easily by false. Still, it sounds true enough to me.

And one final note, I don't think we are criminalizing mental illness, so much as ignoring it until it becomes a criminal issue. Which is criminal in another sense. There were lots of state mental institutions until taxes were cut in the 70s and 80s. Since the 50s, our government has been slashing taxes. Our current tax obligation is the lowest ever.

Taxes: they aren't a burden for those who believe in social responsibility.

Tellymar Ketters

So one of my brothers and I were sitting around my parent's kitchen a few months ago when the phone rang. It was a telemarketer calling to ask if we would fill out a survey and pay the shipping charges to have some "Girls Gone Wild" DVDs shipped out to us. I replied with:
FG(Freelance Genius): "I had a friend in college that ordered some DVDs from you guys and his card was ripped off and the DVDs he received were blank. How can I trust you now?"
TM: In a deep, easygoing voice, "Would you like to speak to our security company, they are the ones that handle the credit card collection and processing? It is totally secure now. Online security has been increased dramatically since your friend had those troubles."
FG: "No thanks, I really don't want to give my card out over the phone..."
TM: "I am sure you know the Girls Gone Wild videos from TV, you know what a bargain this is for filling out a survey and paying just the postage-"
FG: "yeah, I know the videos, but I am not too sure right now, how about you just send over some girls? Girls who are going wild? That would be ok."
TM: Stifling a laugh, "You want me to send some girls over to your house? Uhh, how about you give me your information and I'll sign you up for the DVDs and then we'll talk about sending some girls over to your house."
At this point, my brother starts cracking up, as do I.
FG: "No thanks, I really just want the girls, the girls who are going wild."
TM: Getting a little flustered, "These videos have it all, you know..."
FG: "Oh, I know, I've seen the commercials, that's why i was hoping you could send these girls over to my house."
TM: "Right..."
FG: "Thanks anyway, I guess."
TM: Hangs up.

A Sense of Humor So Fine...

You'd almost think we were related.

Check it out.

Will The Fucking Wonders Ever CEASE?

You are Charlie Brown!


Which Peanuts Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Gee flipping whiz. Goddam blockhead has been following me around for my whole fricking life. Chump

Brian is not so much of a cobag

Brian Beer Pong's blog is rather amusing. Even though I spend much more time being smart than I do watching sports, I find it rather Man Bites Dog funny.

Up next, the further exploits of me, 20 or 30 beers, and a Kappa Alpha Theta.

Brian is a cobag, but I am now inspired

In all seriousness, "playing beer pong and porking babes"? This sounds more like a lonely high school sophomore whose sole source of social interaction stems from his DSL connection. Poor kid probably doesn't even know DSL stands for...sigh. Now, if he had said, playing spades, drinking forties and stroking bitches, then I could have believed that he had actually done any of those activities.

But seriously, who says pork anymore? Slapping the salami and bopping your balogna went out with the '80s. Even the 'hot beef injection' is getting old. I was thinking maybe we could try out something related to Ron Popeil's rotisserie oven. Fuck it and forget it? Nah, too derivative. What about a euphemism related to Mathew Lesko's free money books? Free money to masturbate!

Sounds like a new Pepsi Challenge!

BCP, Parte the Seconde

And yes, that is a joke based on my post of some weeks ago on the Home of the Well Rounded People of Higher Than Average Level of the N.E.R.D. genotype. So, where was I? Ah, yes.

We enter the basement and are slightly dismayed at the ratio of fraternity to sorority members. However, the girls are all dancing and the guys are all drinking. I head straight for the bar to discover that pledges has been assigned to ensure that the members always have a beer on hand. This would sound like an ideal situation, but in the Land of Chuckles, this is a sub-optimal situation for retention of both manners and rational thought. To say nothing of the booty shaking that inevitably commences from the intake of copious amounts of alcohol. Telling all the guys from Kappa chapter to start mingling and have a good time, I start working the crowd and meeting guys from other chapters and colleges. This goes well and I have some good conversation until I have had somewhere more than ten beers. They last two guys I was talking to (from Eau Claire, I think) detail their pledge to follow me around and make sure I have beer because they are leaving. The pledge was sober and keeping count for me.

He disappeared after getting me maybe three or four more beers and I completely lost count after twenty some beers in about two and half hours. At which point I met a girl at the bar. She was talking to some guy and I stumbled up and asked for a beer. I started leering at her and asked her what house she was in and she replied with a chirpy "Kappa Alpha Theta!" I responded with a slurred, "My mom was in that sorority and so were all her female relatives. My grandmother was, like, the national regional chairwoman or treasurer or something." Which was music to her ears and seriously pissed off the guy who was talking to her before I wandered over. I asked her if she wanted to dance, which really amounted to waving our drunk asses and arms around the dance floor. We were trying to talk to each other but, really too drunk to hear and some dude bumped my arm and Natty Light went all over her chest. I said, "Here let me help you with that" and shoved my face in her cleavage. I proceeded to lick the beer off of her. Seemed like the thing to do at the time. I tell you now, I have not had a Natty Light since, because the fuzzy memory of the last one was so good, any others will not live up to that memory. Ahh, good times, good times.

The Best College Party Ever

This is a response to the Adorable Girlfriend's challenge. It was Friday or Saturday of the second week in March of 2001. I was taking some new TKEs (my fraternity, Tau Kappa Epsilon) and one of their friend-girls to Madison, WI to show them around and some guy walks right up to me and askes if I am a TKE. While I was wearing a TKE hat. Being a smart ass, I replied with, "If I were not a TKE, then why would I be wearing this hat?" We talk and he invites me and my Kappa chapter bros to the Lambda chapter "Pre Spring Break Bikini Contest Party." Sweeter words will never be asked of me again. So, the guys I was with, call them ZZ Top and Benny Bones, are just sort of stunned and I tell the Lambda chapter guy that we'll be there and we'll bring some beer. The hot blonde on his arm says that is awesome and that she is bring some of her girls from whatever sorority she belonged. And that at least three other sororities were attending. You could have cut the silence with a fisshpop from a beer can. So we shake and say see ya later. Turns out the girl was buying a vibrator while we waited outside.

So we all got back to the house and I proceed to run around telling everybody who is still in town abou the party. It ends up being about 15 of us in three cars. We scrape together enough money for a case of Leinenkugels Pilsner in cans. Tastes great, more filling. We get to the house and I get us all in past some minor difficulties. The scene: The Lambda chapter house basement. The People: About forty dudes and maybe 15 girls, all super hot and all wearing bikins and miniskirts. And I leave you with that image as I should really get back to work. More tomorrow.