Today Take 5 is totally tailoring this traditional Tarantula Tuesday Textposition!* I would like to officially resume hating Pinko Punko. Some people might ask why, why do you, Chuckles, hate Pinko Punko? What could there possibly be to hate about that bullish bastard? The reasons are few and singular. He introduced me to Take 5 candy bars. I have now eaten two in the space of three months. Until this time, I had only consumed an average of one candy bar in any given year since high school. There is no particular reason why I have been mostly celibate in my snacking, I am just weird. That and I hate crappy chocolate. I do like donuts, though. Only cake donuts though, regular Krispy Kremes make me sick and don't taste so good. I think this is related to my childhood** and my parent's denial of sugary cereals. As some of you may know, I was raised by a loving family of rocks in the steamy jungles*** of the Congo. These rocks worked for General Mills and insisted on feeding us a heart healthy heaping of cheery circular grain products. Some days I was even lucky enough to be ignored while the sugar bowl was left open on front of me. Many were the days when I mistook Mama Rock's front for her back and was quite soundly thrashed for my insolence in attempting to sweeten my morning meal.**** I often had trouble at school as well. In case you were wondering, yes, I attended the school of hard rocks.# It was a difficult transition for me. I was home schooled until I was eleven and my parents, being igneous, only taught me geology and patience.## I can't complain or shouldn't at any rate. I really learned how to argue and debate. Do you how hard it is to force an answer out of a rock? It is like milking, uh, rocks.### When I turned 16, I tried to go qualify for my driver's license, but my parents stonewalled me and I had to continue walking to school.
Where was I? Oh yeah, Take 5...They're ok I guess, but I am not buying anymore. To hell with PP and his band of vile desperados!
*Take 5 takes no responsibility for the contents of this post or this blog. Render unto PP all Take 5s now. ALL YOUR TAKE 5 BELONG TO US.
**What a whiny bitch I have become.
***Not at all similar to the steamy jungle known as teh's crotch, you dirty rats.
****You ain't been whupped til you been whupped by an inorganic, nonliving sessile mother rock.
#Oh, don't worry it will get worse.
##See? I told you.
###Rock milk is not just extremely difficult to procure, but also sweet and refreshing.
PS. Count the alliterations for a bonus nerd score!
9 comments:
you have finally earned your title - this post is genius.
I asked your mom to avalanche. That really boulder over.
I've never had one of those...maybe now I never will.
My personal favorite is Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. I have one every day.
Sacrifice is necessary to acheive any goal. I have given up my daily blueberry muffin and all crumb cake to the deities of Slim and Ripped. I need to look good for my appearance in the next Genius: The Swimsuit Edition calendar.
Pop Ren, I hope this makes up for my ridiculous claims that CAKE is better than Morrissey. Or anybody for that matter.
"I was home schooled until I was eleven and my parents, being igneous, only taught me geology and patience."
This is the best line ever. Oh my god.
Linny, do not libel the Take 5 bar.
This whole post was pretty much streamed straight out of my consciousness. I was going to go all Take 5 and spidery, but then my mind wandered and I figured I would just go with it.
Chuck's mind wandered? I am shocked.
:)
She likes me. She really likes me!
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