Wednesday, July 19, 2006


RIGHT! Today we are making hummus. I know I said we would be making London broil, but if you can't be flexible, you are a dumb moron and should kill yourself now to save us all the trouble of poisoning your food.

You will need:

Two(2) large can of chick peas (garbanzos, not females)
One(1) jar of virgin or extra virgin olive oil (your preference)
One(1) lemon (or two or none if you don't want lemons in your hummus)
Two(2) garlic sections (the bits not the entire bulb)
Two(2) teaspoons of shredded garlic (or less if you don't want too much garlic, really minimum should be one(1) clove or one(1) teaspoon)
One(1) jar of tahini (sesame butter in the same way that peanut butter is from peanuts but NOT good with jelly)
One(1) tin of cumin

Array your ingredients on your hopefully clean counter. Admire your dedication to a recipe from a really odd friend who tends to invent shit on the fly in the kitchen. Put 911 on speeddial. Put phone on floor in case you fall down. Get out your food processor. Blenders suck for this. You want a serious cuisanart. Speaking of which, cuisanarts are awesome for all kinds of food. Even meat. I would wake up and make myself a spam milkshake every morning, if spam didn't suck. Maybe a bacon and bisquik milkshake would work. Get out your pyrex measuring cup. No, put that fucking piece of plastic shit back in the cupboard. Go sit in the corner and think about what you did. Jesus. Fucking insulting. Oh, hey, I'm sorry, ok? Come back here and I promise I won't disparage your obviously deficient kitchen implements again. Now, don't be like that. I mean well. Open the cans of chick peas. Pour the water from the cans into your PYREX measuring utensil, you'll need it later. Keep all the water. Put chick peas into your cuisanart. Yes, I do get a dollar every time I say that. Cheeky bitch. No no no, you have to assemble it first. Ok, is it plugged in? Good job. See? You aren't completely hopeless. Pour in the chick peas sans water. That means without, moron. Blend all the chick peas until they are stuck to the walls of cuisanart or aren't getting any smaller. Add 1/4 (one quarter) cup of the olive oil, 1/4 (one quarter) cup of tahini, 1/4 (one quarter) of the chick pea water. Take out your silicon scraper and- are you fucking serious? How can you not have a goddamn silicon scraper? What an assbag. Do you just order ever fucking meal you eat? Fine, take out a knife or something and scrape the chick peas of the walls of the cuisanart so they will mix in with the oil, water and tahini. No, it is TAHINI. TAHITI is an island, jackass. I fucking swear. Blend all this together. While that is blending, get out your garlic press. You have got to be shitting me. Fine, use the damn shredded garlic. Add the garlic while the blender is still whirling away. Oh jesus. No no no. If you take off the top the cuisanart will shut off. Use the top access. I swear, it's like you've never been in a kitchen before. Don't even give me that 'I'm only 9 years old' crap either. Your mother should be ashamed of herself. And you. Now cut the lemon in half and let's try to leave all of our fingers attached to our hands. Great job, loser. Now get out your juice press/strainer. What? I am going to have a goddamn coronary. Ok, ok, ok. Go get me that bottle of wine over there. And the bottle opener, yes. Open the wine. Give me the bottle. I'll be back in a minute or two. Turn off the cuisanart.

Ok! Hey, are you ready to finish up? Good for you, nitwit! Open the cuisanart. Go get a spoon or something. Hmm, yeah, let's go ahead and add some lemon juice. Squeeze out the juice into the cuisanart but try to avoid dropping the seeds into the proto-hummus. Fuck. I said TRY TO AVOID DROPPING THE SEEDS INTO THE HUMMUS! I could smack you if it weren't illegal. Alright now that the lemons and the garlic have been added, we should add some cumin. Sprinkle the cumin on USING THE SPRINKLE OPENING until the surface of the proto-hummus is lightly dusted with cumin. Well, you actually managed not to fuck that up too much. Cover the proto-hummus and set it blending again. I am going back the porch to look for that wine. DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING UNTIL I COME BACK. Yes, fine, go bandage your hand. I should make you squeeze more lemon juice on it to teach you a lesson about knives.

Hey, great! How's the hummus look? WONDERFUL! Let's open it up and have another taste. Not bad, not bad at all. The consistency is a little thick and may annoy some store bought cobag's senshibilities but fuck him. Oh. Well, you little fucktard, if you don't want it break your pissant little sacriledgious tortilla chip, then add equal amounts of chick pea water and olive oil. HEY! HEY! HEY! I said be careful! Add another 1/4 cup of each. Hmm, you might want to add some tahini but if you do, I would recommend you also add some some some CUMIN. Yeah. No, the wine is fine. Fine wine. Fine. Wine. heh.

Anyway, some people put pepper and sundried tomatoes or other shit like that in their hummus, but then they don't really want hummush as it is done in Lebanon, they want some bastardized shit that goes well with the fish and a light glaze or some other bullshit. IF you want, IF YOU WANT, you can just use the chick peas, tahini, oil, cumin and water. Anything other than that is just frill. How many people does this recipe serve? Fuck if I know. I am going to go back to my office and eat this shit myself.


Lindsey said...

My friends love hummus but...i can't bring myself to eat it. It's the name! It scares me.

mdhatter said...

That was the longest recipe, ever.

Anonymous said...

Perhaps longest recipe ever, but also, certainly one of the more entertaining.

Chuckles said...




Bring me my pills, a stack of porn and a bloody mary if you think you can handle it without killing anyone.

Jesus fucking Mary cooking wine.

Anonymous said...

Wait a moment, do we know Fox? Is Fox perhaps a relation to a certain other blogger we know? (Not that we don't already adore Fox.)

Chuckles said...

You don't know fox, AG. You can't know everybody I do, even if you may try to claim dominion over every man you have ever met.

I am the malestrom and no one wwill ever contain my wrath. Or my enormous wang.

missyandchrissy said...

it's a travesty that you don't have a show on the food network.

Chuckles said...


That's what I am saying. We just need to import a few disposable kids for my assistants and I'll just rip through recipes while I berate the lids and drink wine/booze.

I tend to be pretty freehand in the kitchen and my family calls everything I make balogna pie, but it usually tastes good. Next week, CURRY!

Anonymous said...

"That's what I am saying. We just need to import a few disposable kids for my assistants and I'll just rip through recipes while I berate the lids and drink wine/booze."

Great, now he's Kathy Lee Gifford and running a sweatshop kitchen.

Kevin Wolf said...

This was very funny and didn't even hurt all that much, either.

Chuckles said...

I'll confess right now. I wrote this as an email to a friend and was planning on just berating him on the state of his kitchen in my mind. It just got more involved as it flowed from my brain to my flickering, fiddly fingers.

fish said...

That's what I am saying. We just need to import a few disposable kids for my assistants and I'll just rip through recipes while I berate the lids and drink wine/booze.

It would be like that old SNL skit with Dan Aykroyd as Julia Child except instead of cutting yourself, you would cut up children. That would be excellent.

Chuckles said...

Well, I was hoping that I would take untrained children and slap them around and insult them while they tried to live up to my perfectionist standards. Eventually the blood loss from the high speed dicing I demand and the inadvertent severing of their fingers would get to them. See? It isn't my fault these little pukestains can't survive an episode! They can't be trusted with a knife.

Alex said...

Best. Recipe. EVAR.

Anonymous said...

Does anyone else find it disturbing that this came to his mind and then he was going to e-mail it to someone?!

Trebuchet said...

I'm sorry, did I hear "enormous wang"?

::keep it together... keep it together...::

Anonymous said...

What is this shit? Cumin doesn't come in "tins." You can't fool me. This is obviously hummus for crusader/infidels and not the genuine stuff.

Chuckles said...

McCormick puts cumin in tins. Sometimes in plastic jars, but plastic is for lameass Iggy Pop fans.

Anonymous said...

"lameass Iggy Pop fans" --

I will let Fulsome know you mentioned him over here.

Anonymous said...

McCormack? Mc-white-bread-gringo-Cormack? That's not cumin. That's pulverized dirt.

Chuckles, you buy cumin in Latin markets. Were you raised by two containers of Miracle Whip or what? :-)

Chuckles said...

Is Clif challenging the Drunken Chef to an Iron Chef of Drinking Off? Cuz I will accept said challenge. Ingredients: Random cabinets and fridges in other people's apartments. We will be required to assemble a 3 dish meal (Meat or meat substitute and two sides) from at least 30 constitute parts in a kitchen not our own.

I predict this will be awesome.

Anonymous said...

If you guys are cookin' off, do it on a weekend and UC and I will fly in. Ya love UC loves to eat and he's a cute judge too!

Anonymous said...

Oh and p.s. Chuckie, get over yourself! AG was suggesting that perhaps Fox was someonelse's AG. Appologies to Fox, AG was mistaken.

Chuckie, shut it!

Chuckles said...

AG, fox is as fox does.

political_refugee said...

is "enormous wang" a reference to your cool sports car?

Anonymous said...

I adore this stuff and make my own as well. I got a couple of tips from a local restaurant to pass along:

1. Add a teaspoon plus a pinch of kosher salt. Don't know why but it adds great kick

2. For a little more kick, try adding a few red pepper flakes. It really wakes it up.

3. Paprika also is yummy on it.

Great - now I want hummus for breakfast!