Saturday, July 29, 2006

This post is all about lowering the level of decency on the Internets

Basically, the only way I could have reacted to this type of an assault on my professional life would be with professional pranksterism. If some bastard tried to commit a full court press, scorched earth campaign on my career, I would likely be totally fucked in that field. This would leave me with no alternatives left to pursue that career. I prefer to prove old sayings as the honest truth. Sayings like: "Never kick a man when he's down." "A man with nothing to lose has everything to gain." "Never leave an opponent with 1 hit point." "Never wash your colors with your whites."

For sake of argument, let's say I know someone who knows someone who got fucked over by a giant, swollen cobag. I would start by procuring the necessary items for lifestyle destruction:
1 Gallon smelly, yellow, coffee and asparagus urine
2 Boxes of fish filets
1 Stack of petri dishes
1 Set of keys to the cobag'z office (optional)
1 Set of plans to cobag'z office (available from your county, usually for a minimal fee)
50-100 Crickets
3 Pairs breeding mice

First, study the plans well. Take a tour of the office. Keep a sharp eye out for hidden, dusty corners and nooks. Pay particular attention to the placement of cameras and motion sensors.

Break in at night or, if possible just walk in like you own the place or are some sort of intern/lab aide. This is much easier then most people think. If you can walk in, visit every day at the same time for a week without doing anything.

Next week, visit the soon to be shithole. Bring crickets in a plastic bag with some paper towels. Release the crickets in storerooms and all over the basement. Locate the HVAC unit.

The next day release the mice in the basement.

The third day, put a couple still frozen fish filets in the vent of the HVAC. Wander into empty rooms and stick more frozen fish filets in various vents and make sure to leave one or two in the kitchen, to throw off those who might try clean up your revenge.

Make piss discs with the urine and petri dishes. Leave one or three on every section of carpet (any material that will absorb liquid) in the building. Preferably in lounge areas or staff offices. You may need to attempt this part on a holiday weekend. By now, you should have convinced the guard (if there is one) that you are indeed working on something and thus have ample reason to be there on a holiday.

Then repeat these steps in the motherfucker's house. If necessary obtain an orbital laser and a truckload of popping corn.

If you should feel any guilt, remind yourself that the cobag had it coming for being such a, well, such a fucking cobag.

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