I'm on vacation in the Midwest. This is cause for concern for plumbers, cause for joy among organic meat herders, and cause for terror among toilets. I've lost track of the amount of meat sandwiches I have consumed in the last few days, but I haven't lost track of the number of shattered, post-apocalyptic, dystopian bathrooms I have left in my wake.
At a place called First Watch outside of Westlake, Ohio.
At Lady Chemisty's ancestral home in Iowa.
And, finally, at my expedition headquarters in Wisconsin.
The last one was so bad I had to retreat to the second floor until the gas dissipated. I saw three men huddled in a crater in the living room die when they removed their masks too early. President Obama is rumored to be debating the legality of declaring my butt a national threat.
I am worried for my family, as my parents, despite being rocks, tend to eat a high fiber diet. I am worried that some may not survive this coming week.