I Got Your Cup of Cheer Right Here

And I spiced it with cinnamon and nutmeg!

In ages past, I hated Christmas.  The Shopping Season emphasized everything about my culture that I absolutely despised, with the added feelings on intense disappointment in my family when they didn't give me what I requested.*  I remember a December when I received exactly nothing on my list, and I thought my family was a bunch of jerks who thought they knew better than me.  I was thirteen or something, so just about anyone other than my brother did know better than me, but that didn't stop my from being an angry little snotrag about it.

I abandoned this feeling of disappointment a few years later for a whole new feeling of disappointment in humanity as expressed in American media.  This feeling was only intensified by being unable to buy anything for the people I wanted to give stuff.  I was in boarding school and then college, and any money I made during the summer didn't last longer than my short-sighted budget.  The only gift that I bought that I still remember and feel somewhat good about was a special mug I bought for my dad when I was a sophomore.**

I wanted to be happier during this time, because I like my family, for the most part.  I like visiting them, and we have fun together, despite my brother's attempts to ruin everything with plans.  I found it hard to be cheerful when I was bombarded with scenes of utter assholery in malls and on television.  Basically, I was angry because Christmas was a constant reminder of how I wasn't a kid anymore.  I couldn't just sit in a pile of wrapping paper and experience sheer joy anymore.  The world was sitting on my head, just crapping all  over any fun I might have had.

Something changed in 2008.  No, not something, someone.  I was trying to win back a woman I had wronged, and I had this idea, inspired by Gene Hackman in Heist, that if I wanted to be a better version of me, maybe I could just fake it.  I'm a pretty good liar on a bad day, so I thought maybe I would change the way I lie to myself.  Maybe if I pretend to be a better person, I'll eventually be that better person, and I won't have to keep pretending.  I'm not 100% there yet, but I'm not pretending anymore.

Part of this whole thing was that I realized that I was over Christmas.  If other people want to run around and be assholes to each other in malls and parking lots, so be it.  I'm just gonna make cookies, not send them to my friends, and eat the hell out of them.***  I'll invite my friends over for rum drinks, cookies, pie, and the Star Wars Holiday Special.  I'll try to find one or two small, meaningful, little gifts for my people.  Or maybe I'll make something to give.

The short of this is that I can also enjoy holiday music again.  This is much easier when i am not out in the world, but even when I am in the world, I just tune it out.  I just play Mahna Mahna on constant loop in the jukebox of my subconscious, and I move through the world.  I could have written a much shorter version of this post by just typing, OMG HOLIDAY MUSIC MASH-UPS HERE!!!1111!!1!!

*  There's a paradox somewhere in there that a kid might miss for a few years.
**  Much like a certain lamp, I'm pretty sure my mother introduced this mug to Mr. Baseballbat, and Mr. Backyard.
***  One of these years, I'm gonna mail some cookies to some friends, and those friends will be so frigging impressed.  Some jokes aren't worth it.

The 12 Steps of Holiday Angst

Please note that the years are only estimates based on a small sample size.

1. Bewilderment. Years 0 to 3. "Why is my food giver and poop cleaner putting this itchy hat on my head?" Let's dress the kid up for some cute pictures that will only get lost in the electronic sea of pictures on several hard drives. These pictures will only be missed if said hard drives are irrevocably destroyed.

2. Glee! Years 3.1 to 12. "DO YOU KNOW WHY CHRISTMAS IS GREAT!? BECAUSE YOU GET NEW TOYS!!!!" As related to me by a young cousin.

3. Irritation. Years 12.1 to 22. "Man, Christmas is so lame. I just wanna hang out with my friends, play video games, and not be in school. I never get what I really want anyway, no one understands me. I don't wanna go look at lighting displays or sing carols or whatever." Or at least, you don't want to admit that you like doing these things with your family. You don't make it easy for your family to understand you, either, since you barely speak to them.

4. Aggravation. Years 22.1 to Infinity (for some). "I fucking HATE Christmas! The music is so repetitive! I hate the way THEY play it immediately after Halloween! ARGH! And I'm too broke to buy anything cool for people anyway, this blows. I'll just go get drunk like I do every week, and not think about how much money I've spent on booze this past year." Let's not forget your $25 a week mocha habit, either.

5. Acceptance. Years 22.1 to Infinity (for some). "OKay, so Christmas is really commercial, and all about spending money you don't have to stimulate the economy for the Capitalists to rake in even more money from the workers, but it doesn't have to be. My family and I have just turned it into this little celebration of another year's end. Sure, we buy each other stuff, but not because of any other reason than we love and respect each other. I try to find something that I think my family would like, and just really enjoy seeing their expressions of joy. You know, it may be stupid and pedantic, but we've changed it so Christmas means something special, not just the day some kid was born without adequate medical care in the Middle East." That is a fine sentiment, but could you try saying that without being a smug cobag?

6. Rebounding Joy. Years 22.1 to Infinity(for some). "I don't care about getting gifts anymore, but I do love watching my kids tear into presents. I hope they stay like this forever. I'm still glad I paid extra for a hybrid car." I hope you like ties because that is all you are getting from your kids until they are mature enough to see that you are a person, and not just their parent.

7. Booze. Years 21 to Infinity. "Great eggnog, Eddie!" Nothing wrong with a libation or four here and there.

8. Booze. Years 21 to Infinity. "Great eggnog, Clark!" You're not driving, right?

9. Booze. Years 21 to Infinity. "If I had a rubber hose, I would beat you..." If you do it right, you can make tire tracks looks like reindeer tracks. We carry this secret to our graves.

10. Booze. Years 21 to Infinity. "The carols are in my head! THEY'RE IN MY HEAD!" Put the electric drill down.

11. Booze. Years 21 to Infinity. "Macy's parade sure is good this year." This stage is also known as senility.

12. Death. Years Far away, I hope. "Christmas isn't quite the same without grandpa reading 'Twas the Night Before Christmas." Yeah, your father hasn't quite found his rhythm yet.

In August

Frikkin' AUGUST.

Just Chuck Full of the Fucking Spirit Am I

I am unironically enjoying Kathleen's Holiday Radio Pandora channel again this year. I am trying not to be such an unrelenting curmudgeon, and I have to say that it is pretty freaking tough. I hope the two people I might see this holiday season fucking appreciate how nice I am being.

So I am inflicting my amazing cookies, if such a meager word can define these scrumdiddilyumptious morsels of pure alien insanity, on a group of friends and relatives tomorrow. My brother and I are hosting an intimate gathering to eat cookies, drink hot booze with spices, and watch holiday movies. Everyone else thinks that we are going to watch Christmas Vacation, but I know better. We are going to watch the horrifying and evil holiday special that can only match the evil in my cookies, if such a pathetic word can be used to describe the immortal hellscape that has been reduced to a bite-sized confection.

Additionally, why wasn't I informed of this earlier?

UPDATE: We only made it through 35 to 40 minutes of the Special, and even that only because my brother started fast forwarding through the parts containing no human dialogue.

I won't be home for Christmas

Maybe it's just me but I kinda like being alone on Christmas. I would rather work than spend a socially acceptable amount of my non-disposable income on gifts that are supposed to show how much I care for another person. I like giving thoughtful gifts to people, I just don't want to do it when I am told. I would rather mail someone something cool and thoughtful any other time of year than December.

I hate the manufactured emotion that we are all supposed to display during a random day in a random month (that isn't even on the day when the Christianics should be celebrating anyway). Why should we all get together to give gifts on this day? Why not just be happy and familial all year long? The holiday commercials drive me right to drink, too. "Hey, you know that kid you've been ignoring all year? BUY THEM A NEW PHONE AND YOU WON'T HAVE TO TALK TO THEM FOR ANOTHER 12 MONTHS!"

The WalMart commercials running this year are particularly enraging. Is the one day a year only really special if you buy your kids some more trade deficit toys? Or do you want them all to get lead poisoning because you can't stand your life? Shouldn't every day with your kids be special? They're the future and all that.

Man, I like being alone but maybe I shouldn't be left alone for too long. What bitchy asshole I can be.