Good Government

I wonder if this post will work from my phone.

Coffee and Soccer

I'm starting my second of six straight weeks of opening early for the World Cup, and I&'m either being slowly brainwashed, or am too tired to think about anything but soccer. I am drinking a terrible cup of coffee from Casa de Maxwell, and am actually interested in the Ghana/Australia match. I've heard it said that a good cup of coffee is a beautiful thing, and a horrible cup of coffee stirs the sense memories of every good cup you've ever had. This could apply to other things in life, sex, love, relationships, meals, walks, etc, but doesn't seem to apply to sporting events. People, or at least sportscasters, talk about other amazing plays after watching one, and other disasters after watching a team collapse. I'm not really sure where I'm going with this, but the coffee is almost as bad as that last call in the USA/Slovenia game.

How About That

Hey, how about that zuzuvela, or vuvuzela, or zuzuburu, or whatever? Reminds me of the Summer of Cicada (Brood X Edition). Or a swarm of angry bees.

One of The Many Rules of Reality

The higher the praise you receive in the earliest round of any competition "reality" gong-show, the faster you will be eliminated. Corollary rule: don't expect me to watch any of these shows and remain sober. Or sane.

Brief Review of The Road

Less depressing than the book, but don't say I didn't warn you.

The Awesome Life

So I'm showered, dressed, out of the house, sitting in a chocolate and coffee shop, listening to a gaggle of lovely dames discuss their grandmother's jewelry, and life couldn't better. If I could upload photos with my phone, the Mike Meyer's size mocha in front of me would epitomize the depth of my contentment. This cup of coffee violates my First Rule of Consumption: Never eat anything bigger than your head without fulsome watching. I'm not violating the Thirty-Seventh rule either, but that's an obvious rule: Never eat without bragging to the internet. Here I am digressing again. The town itself is lovely, as my mother would say, and the square has everything you need, a head shop, a shoe store, a coffee shop, a toy store, a couple two three restaraunts, and a rib place. There's high-speed internet somewhere in town, but not at this cafe, which is fine, and an old stone courthouse. The little old ladies say the barbershop "past the shoestore and Baumgartner's" is the place I should go. Right now, my hair is lost somewhere in the wilderness of the tri-state area between Biker-Bartenderistan, Emoria, and Mullet.

Chicago via Monroe

It's 800-some miles to Monroe, we've got a full-ish tank of gas, one bag of baby carrots, twenty-seven cds, it's getting dark, and we don't have any sunglasses. Hit it.

Cop Week! Yay!

There are at least 35,000 tourists in DC until next Monday. 35,000 of these tourists are police officers, or lieutenants, or detectives, their rank is rather irrelevant compared to the majority's behavior. They walk into your bar like they own the place, act like jackasses, drink Miller Lite in a bottle, and tip like college students. I need to get a day job.

Where I Was Last Night

Part of My Manliness

My manliness, the general quality of me being the man that I am, manifests itself in several ways that are always obvious to others, and some less obvious. I see the world differently than most humans. I took part in a recent survey about my worldview, and even made it onto the blog post. Try and guess which Miscellaneous answer was mine.

FREE MONEY FROM THE GOVERNMENT!!!!1!!1!111!

Get FREE MONEY FROM THE GOVERNMENT without bankrupting a mortgage bank! I just walked past Matthew Lesko, in his famous question mark suit, while on my way to work. I doubt he will attempt to get me fired.

Haha, Fooled You!

Here's a great joke to play on April Fool's: ask me to work another double shift in a row at 1:30 am. I'll agree to just about anything until my brain catches up to the conversation. Earlier in the evening, two people asked me to cover shifts that I was already scheduled for, and I agreed to work for them. Five minutes later, I remembered that I was scheduled for those shifts, and was then able to crush their dreams of seeing Whitney Houston and Rob Zombie Live at the Prince William County Drive-In Dinner Theater, so that was fun.

UPDATE: Maybe it's not a prank, the same two people just asked me to cover the same two shifts again this week. The boss has also repeated his previous request that I work those same two nights in a different capacity. This would be funny if I weren't so tired.

Kevin Smith?

Ever since Clerks 2 or X or whatever this guy seems to be slowly trying to hide his name. Both Zack and Miri Make a Porno and now Cop-Out have had a surprising lack of "Hey look a new Kevin Smith movie!" advertising. I remember once feeling for Kevin Smith the way I feel about new Apatow and Apatow-related movies. What happened to this guy? I mean, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back wasn't bad enough to warrant a complete fade into obscurity and lame movies. Was Jersey Girl so terrible? I didn't see it.

Is That Clip-Art?

I'll be outside pondering the imponderables, like this movie.

Cause for Celebration, I Guess

Brett Feauvreaux, or whatever, you go right back to heLLO my parents read this. Ahem.

Today's Word of the Day

in*al*ien*a*ble /ɪnˈeɪlyənəbəl, -ˈeɪliə-/ [in-eyl-yuh-nuh-buhl, -ey-lee-uh-] –adjective not alienable; not transferable to another or capable of being repudiated: inalienable rights.

Senator-Elect Brown should do some reading, and remember the sadly alleged principles by which this country was founded.

Upstaged on a Tarantula Tuesday

Sometimes, I sit down in my creaky chair, open up my browser, and the words just deluge forth in a way that I find a relief and you find an entertainment. Other times the flow is stunted, viscous, oozing, but I can usually wrest some laughs from the primordial thought sump. Today, I was entirely upstaged while drinking my coffee. This clip ruined me:

I'm Not Crotchety Anymore

Comment #2 (Posted by Warduke)
I'm not going to comment on whether the Simpsons is better or worse now or 15 years ago - that's up to personal taste. What I do want to comment on is that I don't think there's ever been a generation so poised to become crotchety old men as this one. We're barely in our 30s and we're already saying "Back in my day....". We're the most pampered and privileged generation of all time, and it turned us all into little bitches with "action figures".

But not because of this guy. Still, the comment is bang on target.

Quick Note Before the Full Return

"...when Democrats get caught saying racist remarks, an apology is enough..." - Michael Steele on today's Meet the press.

He neglected to mention that when a Democrat is caught in flagrante delecto, only a resignation or impeachment will purge the party's shame, while a prayer session or two is enough for Republicans. I missed Tim Kaine's remarks after the above comment, but if they weren't as biting, then what the hell good is he?

Slightly Late to the Party

Two quick notes: if you know The Genius and are in his area, he's having a Holiday Cookie Party at his place on Saturday. Give him a call and you can tell him you're coming with cookies. Or you can tell him you're not coming. The Genius would also like to say that he's not sure why he's writing in the third person but hopes to break this with the next paragraph.

In my second note, I'd like to point out that I work nights, and thus am late to early morning news of terrible import.

THIS SORTA JUST IN, BUT YOU'VE ALL PROBABLY KNOWN ABOUT IT FOR HOURS!!!

An octopus species has been spotted using tools! This is seriously bad news for us humans, and also for dolphins. After reading the first couple paragraphs, I realized that we were all fucked because Aquaman finally has smart creatures to aid his battle against the land-dwellers, and that Ryan North must be warned!

Sadly, several bajillion people had the same thought. About Aquaman. Dude is pissed about his Robot Chicken episode.