Still Not Enough Room For All The Porn

Scientists continue to lag behind in pornography storage capacity. In fact, leading UN scientists estimate that given the rate of porn production and current storage techniques, the world stands to lose an estimated 45 minutes of vintage pornographic 8mm and 16mm film by the year 2012.

"If we don't act now and take drastic steps to digitize those remaining 6 or 7 home videos from 1967, we could lose them forever," says Dr. Hugh Johnson, Chief Erotica Archivist of the Library of Congress, in an address at the AVN Awards. "As I'm sure we're all aware, the types of film used in the 60s and 70s becomes very brittle with age and must be handled delicately, rather like breast implants. The longer we wait, the likelihood increases that we will never be able to again enjoy those blurry and grainy images of hairy people humping on a shag carpet in a finished basement in Moosehead Neck, Wisconsin. We must secure funding to preserve all of our great nation's wonderful fucking history."

Dr. Johnson received the largest standing ovation at the entire conference.