Friday, September 19, 2008
Not The Peeps You Were Looking For
Apparently, this video cruised the tubes a while back but I missed it. The destruction is rather sublime. The expressions on the bunnies rather quickly turns from happiness to abject horror and the experience can tingle the creepy parts of your mind.
I found this on Aurgasm.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Perhaps I Shouldn't Rely Solely on the Daily Show
I completely missed the news of the embassy attack in Yemen yesterday.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
The Battle is Enjoined!
The Corn Refiner's Association has struck back against those fighting the forces of over-sweetening and accidental obesity. They have commissioned at least one commercial and an informational website. According to the commercials, high fructose corn syrup comes from corn, is all natural, and is just as bad/good as sugar and honey. Let's break these claims down individually.
"High Fructose Corn Syrup Comes From Corn"
Yes, indeed corn syrup does come from corn. However, this is almost like saying that meth is clean because it is made with bleach. While I don't put either meth or high fructose corn syrup in my body, if I had to choose I would choose the corn syrup over meth any day. Parents of small children may disagree with any distinction between the two.
"All Natural"
According to the website, HFCS is...
By this definition, gasoline is natural, too. That must be why we don't need factories to make the stuff, or to make HFCS. I wonder if you can get organic HFCS.
"Nutritionally the Same as Sugar or Honey"
The chart on each page reinforces this claim. The ads claim that as long as HFCS is used "in moderation" HFCS is just as healthy as any other sugar. This may actually be true, I am willing to concede this point. Let me be clear: I admit that HFCS is just as good or bad for you as any other refined sugar and honey. Except for the teeny, tiny problem of actually trying to use this stuff in moderation. HFCS is in freaking everything: like apple sauces, almost all non-diet soda and fruit drinks, coffee flavor syrups, beef, yo momma, etc.
I was suspicious of the claim that only 40.1 pounds of HFCS were consumed per year, per capita. The chart is clear about this, despite my completely anecdotal suspicion. We purchase about 50 pounds of the stuff per year per capita, but let an estimated 20% go to waste (uneaten or spoiled or etc), according to Table 52. This means that we are wasting 20% of our soda purchases every year. I have a friend whose mother will open a soda and drink a few swallows and then put it back in the fridge and twenty minutes later, she will open a new one and repeat the process because "she just wants a little drink, not a whole one." This boggles my mind and fills her fridge with 30 or 40 half empty sodas a week, which all go stale before anyone else gets thirsty. These are also diet so they don't count, therefore everyone everywhere drinks every drop of soda and eats every pound of HFCS they purchase. 20% seems kinda high to me, but I am not an expert working for the USDA. I have wasted corn starch plenty of times making some non-Newtonian fluids and those are always cool, so maybe 20% isn't so high...except corn starch isn't corn syrup.
One regular soda a day is horrifically bad for you. Diet sodas aren't so great, either, with all that salt.
Despite all this blathering on about HFCS, I have only one reason for disliking HFCS beyond the health reason: it tastes terrible. Sodas and fruit drinks with made with cane sugar taste more refreshing to me. Cane sugar straight off the cane is soooo much better than corn syrup straight from the jar, especially when you go to the Latino grocery store and buy it in a bunch and then chew it like tabacco and sit around the pool. If you can get past the woody texture to the sheer buzz and flavor of the sap, cane sugar is brilliant.
Next week in wild, quasi-scientific rambling: if men are often red/green colorblind, are rare women blue/yellow colorblind? I once convinced an ex-girlfriend's father that this was the case, despite having never heard of it and having done no research whatsoever. I just wanted to convince a well-respected lawyer that a total fabrication was the truth.
"High Fructose Corn Syrup Comes From Corn"
Yes, indeed corn syrup does come from corn. However, this is almost like saying that meth is clean because it is made with bleach. While I don't put either meth or high fructose corn syrup in my body, if I had to choose I would choose the corn syrup over meth any day. Parents of small children may disagree with any distinction between the two.
"All Natural"
According to the website, HFCS is...
considered a natural food ingredient under the U.S. Food and Drug Administration's definition of the term “natural.” Under FDA rules, “natural” means that “nothing artificial or synthetic (including all color additives regardless of source) has been included in, or has been added to, a food that would not normally be expected to be in the food.”
By this definition, gasoline is natural, too. That must be why we don't need factories to make the stuff, or to make HFCS. I wonder if you can get organic HFCS.
"Nutritionally the Same as Sugar or Honey"
The chart on each page reinforces this claim. The ads claim that as long as HFCS is used "in moderation" HFCS is just as healthy as any other sugar. This may actually be true, I am willing to concede this point. Let me be clear: I admit that HFCS is just as good or bad for you as any other refined sugar and honey. Except for the teeny, tiny problem of actually trying to use this stuff in moderation. HFCS is in freaking everything: like apple sauces, almost all non-diet soda and fruit drinks, coffee flavor syrups, beef, yo momma, etc.
According to the USDA, high fructose corn syrup accounts for roughly 41% of all caloric (nutritive) sweeteners consumed in the U.S.True, but corn sweeteners--including HFCS, glucose, and dextrose--account for over 50% of all sweeteners shipped in the US, according to that table the website mentioned. (You have to open a spreadsheet from the USDA to find Table 49.) The funny thing about the honey claim is that we aren't consuming nearly as much honey as we do HFCS. Only 148,000 tons of honey was shipped in 2007. Almost 11,000,000 tons of corn syrup was shipped in 2007. I guess this must be what the Corn Refiner's Association calls moderation.
I was suspicious of the claim that only 40.1 pounds of HFCS were consumed per year, per capita. The chart is clear about this, despite my completely anecdotal suspicion. We purchase about 50 pounds of the stuff per year per capita, but let an estimated 20% go to waste (uneaten or spoiled or etc), according to Table 52. This means that we are wasting 20% of our soda purchases every year. I have a friend whose mother will open a soda and drink a few swallows and then put it back in the fridge and twenty minutes later, she will open a new one and repeat the process because "she just wants a little drink, not a whole one." This boggles my mind and fills her fridge with 30 or 40 half empty sodas a week, which all go stale before anyone else gets thirsty. These are also diet so they don't count, therefore everyone everywhere drinks every drop of soda and eats every pound of HFCS they purchase. 20% seems kinda high to me, but I am not an expert working for the USDA. I have wasted corn starch plenty of times making some non-Newtonian fluids and those are always cool, so maybe 20% isn't so high...except corn starch isn't corn syrup.
One regular soda a day is horrifically bad for you. Diet sodas aren't so great, either, with all that salt.
Despite all this blathering on about HFCS, I have only one reason for disliking HFCS beyond the health reason: it tastes terrible. Sodas and fruit drinks with made with cane sugar taste more refreshing to me. Cane sugar straight off the cane is soooo much better than corn syrup straight from the jar, especially when you go to the Latino grocery store and buy it in a bunch and then chew it like tabacco and sit around the pool. If you can get past the woody texture to the sheer buzz and flavor of the sap, cane sugar is brilliant.
Next week in wild, quasi-scientific rambling: if men are often red/green colorblind, are rare women blue/yellow colorblind? I once convinced an ex-girlfriend's father that this was the case, despite having never heard of it and having done no research whatsoever. I just wanted to convince a well-respected lawyer that a total fabrication was the truth.
Blog Delays
I am having trouble typing because I keep hurting myself while playing Guitar Hero. Fuck you, it's fun. Except for the pain.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Do Not Blog About It
This is me not blogging about something about which I don't know anything: Raven is wearing a funny t-shirt that probably doesn't refer to something about which I know nothing at all.
I Got a Job Offer!
In addition to numerous job offers to SELL INSURANCE FROM YOUR HOME AND EARN THOUSANDS EACH WEEK!!!, I received this job offer that sure looks like a nice opportunity to become a Nigerian scam spammer:
There are a few red flags in this message, let's see if I spot them all. First, numerous misspellings. Second, ALL I WOULD HAVE TO DO IS SIT AROUND COLLECTING MONEY AND SENDING IT ON FOR A CUT!? SWEET! Schyeah, right. Third, the company name is not listed at all. Fourth, it came from a gmail account.
Greetings! Our company is registred in the Careerbuilder company. We have reviewed your resume and are eager to inform you that we are ready to offer you a vacant position
If you are intrested in getting the job in our company please reply this email.
We looked through your skills and became sure that you correspond to our requirements.
Job scheme will comprise the following:
1. You receive payments from our customers (By checks, Money orders e.t.c)
2. Than you fill forms with details of received payments in your Internet Office
3. Transfer money to our main office by requested methods.
Your earning will be 8 % of the amount of each completed payment please answer this message with your Сontact Infomation and Attach your Resume to e-mail.
Additionally we are going to effect you $1500 as your salary at the end of each month.
This job will allow you to:
- Get financial independence working only 3-5 hours per day;
- Get additional free time;
- Efficiently work at home;
General requirements:
- Willingness to take the responsibility to set up and achieve goals;
- Ability to create good administrative reporting;
- Prior customer service experience is a good benefit;
- Internet and e-mail skills; Experience in online work;
In addition we will be able to offer you $ 2500 as a monthly payment after completion of the trial period.
In case you are interested in the position, please register at our web site and get there futher instructions.
IF YOU WISH TO JOIN OUR TEAM PLEASE REPLY THIS EMAIL.
There are a few red flags in this message, let's see if I spot them all. First, numerous misspellings. Second, ALL I WOULD HAVE TO DO IS SIT AROUND COLLECTING MONEY AND SENDING IT ON FOR A CUT!? SWEET! Schyeah, right. Third, the company name is not listed at all. Fourth, it came from a gmail account.
Friday, September 05, 2008
Synergy in Mind and Webcomics
In college, I was a...scattered individual. Since becoming a more focused, or perhaps coherent is the proper word,* I have either lost the desire or need to attend late night visitations to the wildebeest carcass, or gained the ability to find dead wildebeest wherever I roam and regardless of the hour. Since I am on my second pot of coffee, I doubt that even regular "readers" understand what I mean when I talk about wildebeest, but any regular "viewer" of Animal Planet will understand. Clearly, I am talking about eating pancakes at four in the morning simply because you want some maple syrup, or you have perhaps more sinister motives.
In the days shortly after leaving the hallowed halls of learning, I longed for a return to the clarity of pancakes consumed in the hours between dusk and dawn. I sought out fey circles and other shrines to the gods, followed other strung-out seekers in a communal quest for late-night, grease-induced visions. Despite all attempts to reach that odd plane of mental and physical union of process that was once achieved with ease, I remained lost and listless. I could not regain my impetus for inquiry. I drifted thus, hungry and syrup-deprived. I wandered the country. Penniless and desperate, I eventually made my way back to the Manor and suffered the tender ministrations of my parents until I could stand and walk once more.
I was grateful for their help but anxious to be moving again. A lifetime of travel has left me unfit for settlement for periods longer than one or two seasonal cycles of our lonely planet. I moved on, and took residence in an underground hovel. It was there that I began to suffer the full withdrawal from my former habits. During the agonizing hours of the night, the cravings for sweet syrup and fluffy griddle cakes pounded through my being and shook me to the core. I lay awash in pain. As the months ground slowly on, I found that I could sense that missing clarity floating just out of reach, just behind the next door, on the edge of memory. In a still, cool, fall night, I finally grasped that strange and wonderful process of mind while strolling the empty sidewalks. There was no hunger within, no maple syrup on my chin to guide my vision. There was only the solitude of a city sleeping while I and perhaps others walked the barren alleys and avenues. Since then, I have been able to summon this inspiration when desired, and I am better for it, though I doubt the world would agree.
There are many other reasons for visiting the IHOP or profane IHOP-equivalent at such an early, or late, hour. Perhaps you have an allergy to the food offered by your institution. Perhaps you are an insomniac. Perhaps you have a term paper due and need some coffee and carbs. Perhaps you really appreciate Mrs. Butterworth in a way your friends would never understand, should they find out. Perhaps you have a wager about the number of teeth the waitress has. Perhaps you feel a need to have every menu item once in a semester, due to some bizarre form of gastric OCD. Perhaps you have even stranger, eldritch reasons for visiting an Interdimensional House of Pancakes.
I might have said too much. I can feel the influence of weird energies on my mind, and I think I may have given the beast too much food yesterday evening. The crickets do not sing, for the hungry, hairy beast hunts in the dark. Be wary.
* Condensed? Concentrated? Distilled? Aliquoted?**
** Now that there is a truly old inside joke.
In the days shortly after leaving the hallowed halls of learning, I longed for a return to the clarity of pancakes consumed in the hours between dusk and dawn. I sought out fey circles and other shrines to the gods, followed other strung-out seekers in a communal quest for late-night, grease-induced visions. Despite all attempts to reach that odd plane of mental and physical union of process that was once achieved with ease, I remained lost and listless. I could not regain my impetus for inquiry. I drifted thus, hungry and syrup-deprived. I wandered the country. Penniless and desperate, I eventually made my way back to the Manor and suffered the tender ministrations of my parents until I could stand and walk once more.
I was grateful for their help but anxious to be moving again. A lifetime of travel has left me unfit for settlement for periods longer than one or two seasonal cycles of our lonely planet. I moved on, and took residence in an underground hovel. It was there that I began to suffer the full withdrawal from my former habits. During the agonizing hours of the night, the cravings for sweet syrup and fluffy griddle cakes pounded through my being and shook me to the core. I lay awash in pain. As the months ground slowly on, I found that I could sense that missing clarity floating just out of reach, just behind the next door, on the edge of memory. In a still, cool, fall night, I finally grasped that strange and wonderful process of mind while strolling the empty sidewalks. There was no hunger within, no maple syrup on my chin to guide my vision. There was only the solitude of a city sleeping while I and perhaps others walked the barren alleys and avenues. Since then, I have been able to summon this inspiration when desired, and I am better for it, though I doubt the world would agree.
There are many other reasons for visiting the IHOP or profane IHOP-equivalent at such an early, or late, hour. Perhaps you have an allergy to the food offered by your institution. Perhaps you are an insomniac. Perhaps you have a term paper due and need some coffee and carbs. Perhaps you really appreciate Mrs. Butterworth in a way your friends would never understand, should they find out. Perhaps you have a wager about the number of teeth the waitress has. Perhaps you feel a need to have every menu item once in a semester, due to some bizarre form of gastric OCD. Perhaps you have even stranger, eldritch reasons for visiting an Interdimensional House of Pancakes.
I might have said too much. I can feel the influence of weird energies on my mind, and I think I may have given the beast too much food yesterday evening. The crickets do not sing, for the hungry, hairy beast hunts in the dark. Be wary.
* Condensed? Concentrated? Distilled? Aliquoted?**
** Now that there is a truly old inside joke.
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Move Over Pam Atlas, Sarah Palin VLogs the Campaign
Hilarious.
I am not really one of those seriouspants bloggers, nor am I really funny, but I know what I like and I like these videos. Sarah Palin also has her own website here.
Another Day, Another Pile of Shit Falls on a Republican't Somewhere
I have been fired for far less than the shit that has been falling squarely on the shoulders of my ideological opponents. You can read more about these incidents, uh, pretty much anywhere. I'll be busy looking for a new job.
In the meantime, what the fuck was Lindsey Graham doing advertising on FDL? I wish had been able to grab a screen cap of that.
In the meantime, what the fuck was Lindsey Graham doing advertising on FDL? I wish had been able to grab a screen cap of that.
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
The Genius Versus The Atlantic Ocean: 0-1
In a press release dated September 1, The Genius alleges that the Atlantic Ocean did knowingly, and with intent to cause grievous bodily harm, assault The Genius over the course of two days. Suffering from blunt force trauma to the skull, a hyperextended knee joint, and a twisted foot, The Genius claimed, "Those fucking waves are being way too fucking rough. I'm gonna go sit in the sun and ache."
The Genius is alleging that on two occasions within ten minutes, the Atlantic Ocean and its partner, The Wind, created surf conditions that initially appeared to be fun and not at all dangerous but caused inflicted serious pain and injury to the person of The Genius. Furthermore, The Genius alleges that the harm was deliberate due to the apparent lack of injuries sustained by "all the other fucking people and all the damn kids" on the beach in the general vicinity of The Genius during these heinous attacks on his person.
In an interview on the morning of September 2, The Genius stated, "I'm fucking sore and this is really gonna screw up my basketball and bicycling schedule. Fuck that whole ocean with a rusty pinecone."
The Genius is seeking compensation for pain and suffering in the amount of 1,000,000,000 dollars, plus medical expenses and legal fees, or 100 years of unclaimed sunken pirate treasure, aka booty, from the Atlantic Ocean.
The Genius is alleging that on two occasions within ten minutes, the Atlantic Ocean and its partner, The Wind, created surf conditions that initially appeared to be fun and not at all dangerous but caused inflicted serious pain and injury to the person of The Genius. Furthermore, The Genius alleges that the harm was deliberate due to the apparent lack of injuries sustained by "all the other fucking people and all the damn kids" on the beach in the general vicinity of The Genius during these heinous attacks on his person.
In an interview on the morning of September 2, The Genius stated, "I'm fucking sore and this is really gonna screw up my basketball and bicycling schedule. Fuck that whole ocean with a rusty pinecone."
The Genius is seeking compensation for pain and suffering in the amount of 1,000,000,000 dollars, plus medical expenses and legal fees, or 100 years of unclaimed sunken pirate treasure, aka booty, from the Atlantic Ocean.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Lessons From My Father: Number X+2 or 3 or 438
During every election cycle that I pay attention to, I remember the 1988 elections. I remember watching the Democratic National Convention during sweltering heat in an A-frame house in Wisconsin while my brothers had fun outside because I thought we were required by law to watch these things.
I remember wondering who the shit are all these old men and why isn't Jesse Jackson speaking more? Jesse Jackson was the only person I had heard of before that night.
I remember wondering, how does the rest of the country survive through this interminable extravaganza? Damn it was boring, but I was worried I would get arrested if I didn't watch it.
I also remember my father's briefcase. He had a soft-sided, tan briefcase that he carried to work in Bucharest. I went looking through it once, because I was hoping to find nuclear materials or Romanian state secrets or something cool like James Bond in that briefcase. Instead, I found a bumper sticker stuck to the unpocketed-side of the briefcase. That bumper sticker read, "Lick Bush." I remember thinking this was rather underwhelming. Being the age at which American children read a lot of old-timey but timeless novels like Tom Sawyer, I thought nothing of this sticker although I did wonder why it was on the inside of the briefcase. I had learned that summer that Republicans exist and are the problem and support George HW Bush, so I figured that maybe they wouldn't like my father's proud admission that he would make Bush say, "uncle" or something.
When I was voting for the first time, I remembered this bumper sticker and laughed out lout while I was standing in the booth. Two little old ladies shuffled over and asked if I was ok. Just proud of my dad, that's all.
I remember wondering who the shit are all these old men and why isn't Jesse Jackson speaking more? Jesse Jackson was the only person I had heard of before that night.
I remember wondering, how does the rest of the country survive through this interminable extravaganza? Damn it was boring, but I was worried I would get arrested if I didn't watch it.
I also remember my father's briefcase. He had a soft-sided, tan briefcase that he carried to work in Bucharest. I went looking through it once, because I was hoping to find nuclear materials or Romanian state secrets or something cool like James Bond in that briefcase. Instead, I found a bumper sticker stuck to the unpocketed-side of the briefcase. That bumper sticker read, "Lick Bush." I remember thinking this was rather underwhelming. Being the age at which American children read a lot of old-timey but timeless novels like Tom Sawyer, I thought nothing of this sticker although I did wonder why it was on the inside of the briefcase. I had learned that summer that Republicans exist and are the problem and support George HW Bush, so I figured that maybe they wouldn't like my father's proud admission that he would make Bush say, "uncle" or something.
When I was voting for the first time, I remembered this bumper sticker and laughed out lout while I was standing in the booth. Two little old ladies shuffled over and asked if I was ok. Just proud of my dad, that's all.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Randomly Posted Random Songs
Here's a taste of the music playing while I search for a new job and write my novel:
Aimee Mann - Thirty One Today
These United States - Burn This Bridge
Billy Idol - Untitled track from Cyberpunk
Johnny Cash - I Still Miss Someone (from At Folsom Prison)
Empire of the Sun - Walking on a Dream (downloaded from Fluxblog)
Jonathan Coulton - Re: Your Brains
Lejeune - Kubasaki Ha'i
Thievery Corporation - Indra
Aimee Mann - Thirty One Today
These United States - Burn This Bridge
Billy Idol - Untitled track from Cyberpunk
Johnny Cash - I Still Miss Someone (from At Folsom Prison)
Empire of the Sun - Walking on a Dream (downloaded from Fluxblog)
Jonathan Coulton - Re: Your Brains
Lejeune - Kubasaki Ha'i
Thievery Corporation - Indra
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Fantasies Involving Pregnancies
Okay, I could have phrased that title better.
I know a lot of women right now who are pregnant, or are recently un-pregnant and pushing around little, mewling wads of balogna in strollers. Not one of these women has ever gone full-Rambo and taken out a room full of ninjas, however. That would be pretty frigging sweet, even if I had to fend off the rival ninja gang as well.
I know a lot of women right now who are pregnant, or are recently un-pregnant and pushing around little, mewling wads of balogna in strollers. Not one of these women has ever gone full-Rambo and taken out a room full of ninjas, however. That would be pretty frigging sweet, even if I had to fend off the rival ninja gang as well.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Permits, Tests, and Lessons Learned
So I am teaching my brother how to drive. He has taken driver's ed classes, and is now working through the 60 hours of supervised driving required by the state of Maryland. I understand my father a little better than I did before this experience. Jebus Monte Crisco, I think I have lost a few years off my life. So far the best part has been:
Me: "Just turn right here."
Brother: "It says Do Not Enter."
Me: "Ah fuck it, just go, what are the chances a cop is around?"
Brother: "I don't wanna break the law."
Me: "Just fucking go already."
Cop: "Why did you just drive through that Do Not Enter sign?"
Brother, smiling a shit eating grin: "I'm sorry, I made a mistake, I'm just trying to pick up my wife and I wasn't sure which way was for the buses and which for the cars."
Me: "It was my fault, I gave him bad directions. I don't drive and walk everywhere, so I didn't even notice that was a Do Not Enter sign."
Cop: "Well, you just make sure you obey the signs in the future."
Brother's Wife: "What is going on?"
hee
Me: "Just turn right here."
Brother: "It says Do Not Enter."
Me: "Ah fuck it, just go, what are the chances a cop is around?"
Brother: "I don't wanna break the law."
Me: "Just fucking go already."
Cop: "Why did you just drive through that Do Not Enter sign?"
Brother, smiling a shit eating grin: "I'm sorry, I made a mistake, I'm just trying to pick up my wife and I wasn't sure which way was for the buses and which for the cars."
Me: "It was my fault, I gave him bad directions. I don't drive and walk everywhere, so I didn't even notice that was a Do Not Enter sign."
Cop: "Well, you just make sure you obey the signs in the future."
Brother's Wife: "What is going on?"
hee
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Heaping Loads
So, I think I am being audited.
Fuck.
Shouldn't be too hard, since I don't have any money. And never have had any money. The IRS probably just wants to tell me that I shouldn't have filed late for the years that I filed, but they owed me money in those years anyway. There are days, and then there are days.
UPDATE: Turns out they want more money for self employment taxes and fees for 2005. HAHA! The jokes on them! I'm broke, bitches! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Fuck.
Shouldn't be too hard, since I don't have any money. And never have had any money. The IRS probably just wants to tell me that I shouldn't have filed late for the years that I filed, but they owed me money in those years anyway. There are days, and then there are days.
UPDATE: Turns out they want more money for self employment taxes and fees for 2005. HAHA! The jokes on them! I'm broke, bitches! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
DC: Now With More Bullshit Statistics
Somewhere, I heard that the DC population is getting close to 60% female. This seems about right given my daily experiences. There is an alleged correlation that DC should have more single women. Lemme just tell you all this right now: that's a crock of shit.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
College Revival Comics
I am not a guy to get stressed out about much of anything, and this is also a contributing factor to much of my current situation. However, much of one of my previous situations, when I was in college, could be explained by this picture for sad children. This joke is so much more inside than anything 3Bulls can come up with, I doubt even fulsome gets the joke to which I am referring.
For those of you that don't know, it wasn't that funny a joke anyway. The comic is way funnier than the joke, it just has an added reference layer for me and maybe two or three people out there.
Do you gmail-using-people ever have that moment where you are typing in a name in the "To" box and a name comes up and you have no fucking clue who that name's person is? I have somewhere around three thousand names in my contact list apparently and I think I know maybe ten of them. Every time I write an email without slapping the reply button, I find names in my so-called contact list that belong to no one I can remember. Apparently, I chatted with them maybe? I bet they were on that ultimate frisbee team I tried last summer (what a disaster, no one plays for fun, it's all about the win and fuck that shit). Or maybe they are friends of other people that have mass emailed me and know they have spread to my contact list like some sort of gmail STD? That is a lot ruder than I mean to be to these probably nice people (or email addresses), but the metaphor is apt, like if I send you an email, you are know in correspondence with everyone I've ever emailed. Hope you have virus protection, because my gmail account gets around, lemme tell you.
For those of you that don't know, it wasn't that funny a joke anyway. The comic is way funnier than the joke, it just has an added reference layer for me and maybe two or three people out there.
Do you gmail-using-people ever have that moment where you are typing in a name in the "To" box and a name comes up and you have no fucking clue who that name's person is? I have somewhere around three thousand names in my contact list apparently and I think I know maybe ten of them. Every time I write an email without slapping the reply button, I find names in my so-called contact list that belong to no one I can remember. Apparently, I chatted with them maybe? I bet they were on that ultimate frisbee team I tried last summer (what a disaster, no one plays for fun, it's all about the win and fuck that shit). Or maybe they are friends of other people that have mass emailed me and know they have spread to my contact list like some sort of gmail STD? That is a lot ruder than I mean to be to these probably nice people (or email addresses), but the metaphor is apt, like if I send you an email, you are know in correspondence with everyone I've ever emailed. Hope you have virus protection, because my gmail account gets around, lemme tell you.
Friday, August 15, 2008
So, So Wrong
Yeah, I am not even allowed to discuss Diebold voting machines with my brother. I can already fell the bile rising and the anger bubbling. I need to distract myself.
Oh! Hey, there's a release date for Warhammer: Age of Reckoning: September 18th. OOOH! And there's also pictures for sad children.
Oh! Hey, there's a release date for Warhammer: Age of Reckoning: September 18th. OOOH! And there's also pictures for sad children.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
That Thing Where You Do That Thing?
Do you ever do that thing where you laugh or hurt quickly while reading something and look up suddenly wanting to share the moment with someone who you totally know will appreciate it but then you realize that you can't share that with them because you did something that totally changed the nature of your relationship and you are not allowed to share things like this with them anymore?
Yeah, A Softer World does that to me on a regular basis, but none so much as this one.
Now I feel kinda bummed out.
Yeah, A Softer World does that to me on a regular basis, but none so much as this one.
Now I feel kinda bummed out.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Other Other Hobbies
So I will finally be binge-blogging all of my various new musical experiences over at Well Rounded Nerds. It should be interesting. To at least one of you. It may even draw dontEATnachos out from seclusion, but it is unlikely to draw even a pageview from fulsome.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Other Hobbies
Apparently, I've been confusing the cry of a red-tailed hawk with the cry of a blue jay. Whoops.
Hobbies And Wikipedia
I was strolling around Wikipedia* and looked up some information on one of my hobbies. I was looking at a page and then wondered what the discussion page looked like. People sure do get snippy over a crappy army that my titan would roll over in two turns.
Pictures of the painting process of that titan are coming soon. If I care about something, that means you care about it, too. That is how this whole bloggio thing works, people.
*STROLLING, not trolling. I never mess around with pages because I just don't have enough tolerance to deal with the people that seem to care about their little corner of the wikiwebtubenet.
Pictures of the painting process of that titan are coming soon. If I care about something, that means you care about it, too. That is how this whole bloggio thing works, people.
*STROLLING, not trolling. I never mess around with pages because I just don't have enough tolerance to deal with the people that seem to care about their little corner of the wikiwebtubenet.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
New Target Acquired
I must have one of these morsels of hot awesomeness before the year is dead:
A quick search of the interwebs turned up this Yelp page, unfortunately Chowhound did not contain any pertinent information. I would have spent more time there, but I am overcome with a craving for bacon-wrapped meat articles. Also, I am still experiencing a Baltimore high from an awesome crab cake sandwich, of which I only got two bites and lust for more. Sadly, Henninger's is closed on Sundays and Mondays but damn that was a good crab cake at Jimmy's.
A quick search of the interwebs turned up this Yelp page, unfortunately Chowhound did not contain any pertinent information. I would have spent more time there, but I am overcome with a craving for bacon-wrapped meat articles. Also, I am still experiencing a Baltimore high from an awesome crab cake sandwich, of which I only got two bites and lust for more. Sadly, Henninger's is closed on Sundays and Mondays but damn that was a good crab cake at Jimmy's.
Friday, August 08, 2008
Morally Objectionable
President Bush should probably just quit while he is way behind and phone in the rest of the year. We should be so lucky. Instead, Bush has decided to reinvent health care to include a doctor's right to refuse to perform any action deemed "morally objectionable." There goes that oath. Let's all play a game in the comments (pretty much guaranteeing that AG will ignore this), wherein we all describe horrible situations where doctors refuse treatment because they determine that the treatment is "morally objectionable."
I'll start: a bitter ER resident decides that he won't treat a crack addict's pneumonia because the resident decides it would be morally objectionable to let the addict live.
I am sure that we can all invent some scenarios that are less extreme and yet generate as much anger.
I'll start: a bitter ER resident decides that he won't treat a crack addict's pneumonia because the resident decides it would be morally objectionable to let the addict live.
I am sure that we can all invent some scenarios that are less extreme and yet generate as much anger.
Monday, August 04, 2008
BBC Needs Some Proofreaders
This is exactly why you have proofreaders:
The Death Zone
Expedition organisers only learned of the avalanche after a group of climbers arrived back at the mountain's base camp on Saturday evening.
The mountaineers included Koreans, Pakistanis, Nepalis, Dutchman and Italians, reports say, but exact details remain unclear.
They at an altitude known as the Death Zone, where oxygen levels are not high enough to sustain life.
I keep writing all these really awful jokes here, but eleven people died doing something I will never attempt and I am trying to reconnect with the human race, so I keep deleting the jokes. The view must be amazing, and all the more so for the struggle.
The Death Zone
Expedition organisers only learned of the avalanche after a group of climbers arrived back at the mountain's base camp on Saturday evening.
The mountaineers included Koreans, Pakistanis, Nepalis, Dutchman and Italians, reports say, but exact details remain unclear.
They at an altitude known as the Death Zone, where oxygen levels are not high enough to sustain life.
I keep writing all these really awful jokes here, but eleven people died doing something I will never attempt and I am trying to reconnect with the human race, so I keep deleting the jokes. The view must be amazing, and all the more so for the struggle.
CNBC Claims Oil Prices Plunge!
While watching some news this morning, I saw a moment of stupidity on CNBC. This is a perfect example of one of the problems of mass media. The ticker on the bottom of the screen starts with "OIL PRICES PLUNGE!" and you have some talking heads saying some crap about Iran backing down, campaign rhetoric, and the record high of $157 (this may not be correct) per barrel of crude oil. I wondered how low the price had plunged, expected it to be below $100 per barrel due to the use of "plunge." Thirty seconds later, the ticker says "OIL BRIEFLY DIPS BELOW $120/BARREL."
That doesn't really seem like a plunge, but it is close to one-fifth of the price of a barrel at the height, providing I heard that one guy correctly. However, that price is still double what people were calling an expensive barrel of oil a year ago. Remember when people were predicting total financial collapse if the cost of oil hit $80/barrel? Fucking crap, you newsies never learn. You should all read this book.
That doesn't really seem like a plunge, but it is close to one-fifth of the price of a barrel at the height, providing I heard that one guy correctly. However, that price is still double what people were calling an expensive barrel of oil a year ago. Remember when people were predicting total financial collapse if the cost of oil hit $80/barrel? Fucking crap, you newsies never learn. You should all read this book.
Sunday, August 03, 2008
Newspaper Websites: You're Doing it Wrong, Washingtonpost.com
To: Washington Post
Attention: Web Editor and General Management
Re: www.washingtonpost.com
Your website sucks. It sucks almost as much as the guy I saw last night on Clara Barton Parkway driving a fucking Firebird with a bumper sticker that read "Back Off My Nutz" and with a pair of the plastic testicles hanging from his bumper. You might wonder why The Genius has laid a claim of suckage upon thine internet personage, and I'll tell you: your require some bullshit login for every damn article.
When I click on the link for this story about the hippo losing his home, I want to read the article and not see some useless fucking login. I would not mind logging in to peruse your archives, but I am sick and tired of having to log in to view the content of every podunk website out there.
It's also a frikking jumble. I am a web savvy genius and I find it hard to locate information that I want on your website. You need to clean that shit up. You have only three columns, which is good, but when I think I have reached the bottom of the page, the "Diversions" scroll bar, I haven't. There is a ton of content below that bar, but I was fooled and you can bet others are. Clean it up. Kitchen sinks should be left in the kitchen.
You're a national newspaper. Report national news and do it well. Leave the local news to the various Gazettes around town.
On a final note, your movie critics are terribad. Hire me instead, I can guarantee that I will at least watch the entire movie and won't write from the perspective of a balding, jilted journalism major.
Attention: Web Editor and General Management
Re: www.washingtonpost.com
Your website sucks. It sucks almost as much as the guy I saw last night on Clara Barton Parkway driving a fucking Firebird with a bumper sticker that read "Back Off My Nutz" and with a pair of the plastic testicles hanging from his bumper. You might wonder why The Genius has laid a claim of suckage upon thine internet personage, and I'll tell you: your require some bullshit login for every damn article.
When I click on the link for this story about the hippo losing his home, I want to read the article and not see some useless fucking login. I would not mind logging in to peruse your archives, but I am sick and tired of having to log in to view the content of every podunk website out there.
It's also a frikking jumble. I am a web savvy genius and I find it hard to locate information that I want on your website. You need to clean that shit up. You have only three columns, which is good, but when I think I have reached the bottom of the page, the "Diversions" scroll bar, I haven't. There is a ton of content below that bar, but I was fooled and you can bet others are. Clean it up. Kitchen sinks should be left in the kitchen.
You're a national newspaper. Report national news and do it well. Leave the local news to the various Gazettes around town.
On a final note, your movie critics are terribad. Hire me instead, I can guarantee that I will at least watch the entire movie and won't write from the perspective of a balding, jilted journalism major.
Saturday, August 02, 2008
Better Said By Others
There are some times when it is best to let other people speak for you. In a foreign country, when complementing you, or when dealing with the police. Every now and then, I find something that sums up a lot of my feelings about a subject that maybe I hadn't even been thinking about or maybe just hadn't been able to elucidate verbally, but this Fart Party comic pretty much sums up the way I feel about DC: it sorta sucks a whole lot and then I stumble upon a brief moment that reminds me of all the reasons I live here.
I went to a show last night and had a good time. I converted $37.65 worth of nickels and dimes into a cab ride (STUPID ERRATIC METROBUSES!), a new CD, and the entrance fee to Stella Schindler's CD release show at the Velvet Lounge.
In an announcement that is news to no one, I am really behind in some album reviews. I will have to get those done this weekend since I was called out by dontEATnachos a few weeks/months ago.
I went to a show last night and had a good time. I converted $37.65 worth of nickels and dimes into a cab ride (STUPID ERRATIC METROBUSES!), a new CD, and the entrance fee to Stella Schindler's CD release show at the Velvet Lounge.
In an announcement that is news to no one, I am really behind in some album reviews. I will have to get those done this weekend since I was called out by dontEATnachos a few weeks/months ago.
Friday, August 01, 2008
Current Homework Projects
I have to design a series of art pieces for a hat store for the class in design and layout that I am taking at the USDA.* Apparently the computer lab is open on Saturdays, which is nice because I don't have hundreds of dollars to slap down for Adobe's Creative Suite 3. I just might spend all day in the lab tomorrow working on my project but also working on some movie posters in the style of the Master, Myers87.
I could have done a tattoo parlor or body piercing shop and may still choose that because my hat store ideas are pretty lame. Well, so are my tattoo and piercing lounge ideas. Some day, I hope to be able to match the brilliance of dontEATnachos:
* Yes. I am actually taking a class at the United States Department of Agriculture. They have a graduate school.
I could have done a tattoo parlor or body piercing shop and may still choose that because my hat store ideas are pretty lame. Well, so are my tattoo and piercing lounge ideas. Some day, I hope to be able to match the brilliance of dontEATnachos:
* Yes. I am actually taking a class at the United States Department of Agriculture. They have a graduate school.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Fort Reno Again Tonight
Cuz, fuck you, it's free. Should providence keep the rain away, I will see Kid Congo Powers, The Shirks, and Girl Loves Distortion.
I couldn't locate a website for The Shirks. I am somewhat surprised by this.
I couldn't locate a website for The Shirks. I am somewhat surprised by this.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
This Totally Tarantula Tuesday Brought To You By My Unconcious Mind
This post probably brings an altogether and impressive layer to phoning it in, but since I am not mo-blogging this, we'll just call it all even. Some of the most brilliant posts on 3Bulls aren't even written, they are dreamed. They aren't even written by the whoever-knows-how-many-contributors to 3Bulls. This is of course totally appropriate for their oeuvre and possibly even their under. I hereby present to you five posts straight from the horse's apple AKA my dream state:
Hugo Weaving, Bruce Lee and Hope Chest
Jeff Kober and James Gandolfini
Indira Gandhi and Paul Rudd
Stephen Colbert and Helob
The Best Cast of Law and Order and my friend E
Hugo Weaving, Bruce Lee and Hope Chest
Jeff Kober and James Gandolfini
Indira Gandhi and Paul Rudd
Stephen Colbert and Helob
The Best Cast of Law and Order and my friend E
US Air Guitar Finals Tickets On Sale
Don't be a cobnugget and miss out. The US Air Guitar Championships are in San Francisco at the Grand Ballroom. Get over your stupid "I'm too cool for air guitar even though I totally do it" attitude and buy tickets, chundernozzle. Take pictures, maybe even movies. Make me horribly jealous.
If you don't, I'll just resort to arching you, on the internet and possibly in real life. I may not have moppets, but I do have henchpersons. Even if I'm no longer allowed to call them henchmen due to the conditions of my parole and certain court rulings.
If you don't, I'll just resort to arching you, on the internet and possibly in real life. I may not have moppets, but I do have henchpersons. Even if I'm no longer allowed to call them henchmen due to the conditions of my parole and certain court rulings.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Things I've Missed
So...I've been away from the blogs and the general interweb for a long time. I've been wallowing in the fictional worlds of warcraft and warcraftier and neither are healthy places for the unemployed and those prone to extended pity parties. I've also been playing Supreme Commander in case anyone cares. Of course you don't, forget I said anything.
Anywho...
I just heard about Dr. Horrible and his sing along and normally I hate musicals but I'll give this one a chance. I may have to download iTunes finally. I have avoided this for the same reason I avoid facebook and myspace and all those other sites: everything requires a separate damn password and login and wants all sorts of information about The Genius and his life. I don't mind people knowing about my life or whatever parts of my life that I choose to reveal on my blog, but keeping track of all the damn logins I have all created all over this system of tubes is a pain in the ass. Also, I don't have any damn money and I would just be tempted to spend notmoney on songs that I probably won't be able to find on iTunes anyway. Although, I did hear that The Moderate has some songs on iTunes "which just screams legitimacy" in the words of Jim Dempsey.
I have also begun enjoying The Guild, (FOR WHICH I MEANT TO THANK MDHATTER!!!) which I know sounds a lot like a heroin addict talking about how much he loves a twelve step program and methadone. Don't bother trying to click that link, their bandwidth has been obliterated by a link from Penny Arcade and it will probably be a week before that site is up again.
Anywho...
I just heard about Dr. Horrible and his sing along and normally I hate musicals but I'll give this one a chance. I may have to download iTunes finally. I have avoided this for the same reason I avoid facebook and myspace and all those other sites: everything requires a separate damn password and login and wants all sorts of information about The Genius and his life. I don't mind people knowing about my life or whatever parts of my life that I choose to reveal on my blog, but keeping track of all the damn logins I have all created all over this system of tubes is a pain in the ass. Also, I don't have any damn money and I would just be tempted to spend notmoney on songs that I probably won't be able to find on iTunes anyway. Although, I did hear that The Moderate has some songs on iTunes "which just screams legitimacy" in the words of Jim Dempsey.
I have also begun enjoying The Guild, (FOR WHICH I MEANT TO THANK MDHATTER!!!) which I know sounds a lot like a heroin addict talking about how much he loves a twelve step program and methadone. Don't bother trying to click that link, their bandwidth has been obliterated by a link from Penny Arcade and it will probably be a week before that site is up again.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Bob Novak is an Asshole
Bob Novak claims that he didn't have any idea that he had hit an elderly man in a crosswalk when he was finally pulled over by a bike messenger. That's a load of horseshit. Every car I have ever hit with something while I was in a crosswalk and the driver failed to yield has reacted with surprise or anger. One cobag stopped his car in the middle of the intersection and yelled at me that I had better not ever touch his car again. I told him that he better yield to pedestrians in the future or he was going to kill someone.
Given this clearly empirical evidence, Bob Novak is a lying asshole cobag. Which we all knew a long time ago for his role in the Valerie Plame affair but I digress.
Thanks for the tip, Super Secret Awesomegirl!
Given this clearly empirical evidence, Bob Novak is a lying asshole cobag. Which we all knew a long time ago for his role in the Valerie Plame affair but I digress.
Thanks for the tip, Super Secret Awesomegirl!
Monday, July 21, 2008
The Celebration Schedule
Why have a birthday party when you can have a week long series of events in your honor?
Monday night - Fort Reno with Pup Tent, North of Canada, and RaRa Rasputin.
Tuesday night - Iota with The Moderate, Brandon Butler, and The Wax Standard.
Wednesday night- Class with Our Instructor and Adobe Creative Suite 3. I will probably play Guitar Hero until my arms cramp after class.
Thursday night - Fort Reno with Statehood, Imperial China, and Tsarina. (What's with all the commies this week? It's like a tribute to my childhood!)
Friday night - Guitar Hero and libations at Le Maison du Smartass.
If you can't make it to these events, I expect epic gifts in the mail. If you don't know my mailing address, just guess. Someone will end up happy.
In yet another public calling out, I have found three bands that have been around for a while that fulsome would probably like, if he weren't married to his job and his cable television:
Death By Sexy (don't judge a band by their goofy name)
Screen Vinyl Image (kim k. even kinda looks like fulsomegirl, too)
The Apes (Although I am not sure about vouching for a band that doesn't have a guitar, given my predilection for air guitar and guitar hero)
Monday night - Fort Reno with Pup Tent, North of Canada, and RaRa Rasputin.
Tuesday night - Iota with The Moderate, Brandon Butler, and The Wax Standard.
Wednesday night- Class with Our Instructor and Adobe Creative Suite 3. I will probably play Guitar Hero until my arms cramp after class.
Thursday night - Fort Reno with Statehood, Imperial China, and Tsarina. (What's with all the commies this week? It's like a tribute to my childhood!)
Friday night - Guitar Hero and libations at Le Maison du Smartass.
If you can't make it to these events, I expect epic gifts in the mail. If you don't know my mailing address, just guess. Someone will end up happy.
In yet another public calling out, I have found three bands that have been around for a while that fulsome would probably like, if he weren't married to his job and his cable television:
Death By Sexy (don't judge a band by their goofy name)
Screen Vinyl Image (kim k. even kinda looks like fulsomegirl, too)
The Apes (Although I am not sure about vouching for a band that doesn't have a guitar, given my predilection for air guitar and guitar hero)
Friday, July 18, 2008
The Dark Knight
It's been a busy week. I have been productive but Friday is shaping up to be rather unproductive. I don't know how I'll be able to function tomorrow. Too many late nights for The Genius. I just saw The Dark Knight and I can only say this:
DO NOT WAIT FOR THE DVD RELEASE.
More artful discussion after I wake up.
DO NOT WAIT FOR THE DVD RELEASE.
More artful discussion after I wake up.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Somebody is a Cancer
Happy birthday, dudeguy. He's a quality guy, even if he does eat the occasional corpse after sexing it up.
And if he doesn't get that reference, I am going to look mighty strange.
And if he doesn't get that reference, I am going to look mighty strange.
Friday, July 11, 2008
The Push
My tendons flex and ache, the muscles retort painfully to my insistent ministrations. The letter and conversation ring loudly in my lobes, bouncing around my skull. I trot down the narrow trail and concentrate on my footing while I attempt to force the distracting thoughts from my conscious mind. Breaking out into the dim light of the wider path, I run as fast as I can through the tall weeds and thorny bushes. My feet catch on vines and I nearly stumble. I push forward, faster.
There is no breeze. There are no birds. There are no bugs. There are no planes crashing through the sky. The highway noises are muted. There is only the letter and conversation, shaking for attention, while my mind calms and my body pushes faster. The only wind I feel is an ephemeral zephyr created solely by my strange desire for more speed.
The letter was pleasant and polite. A material response to my hopes at last. Despite the crushing disappointment it carried, the letter was a response, which is an improvement. I run on.
I measure my time by the distance between telephone poles. I pass the third pole and keep running. The fourth and fifth pass before I notice. I stop at the sixth and walk for the seventh. My parents' voices rise above the pounding of my heart and the intake of breath. They worry, this is only natural. They will always worry. I will always give them reason to worry. The tide of our relationship is controlled by a cycle of security and uncertainty that I feel powerless to change. Security seems too close to comfort, and comfort is far too near settlement for me to enjoy. Uncertainty brings adversity and chaos, inspiration. I run until there is only the overgrown trail, the encroaching darkness, and me.
There is no breeze. There are no birds. There are no bugs. There are no planes crashing through the sky. The highway noises are muted. There is only the letter and conversation, shaking for attention, while my mind calms and my body pushes faster. The only wind I feel is an ephemeral zephyr created solely by my strange desire for more speed.
The letter was pleasant and polite. A material response to my hopes at last. Despite the crushing disappointment it carried, the letter was a response, which is an improvement. I run on.
I measure my time by the distance between telephone poles. I pass the third pole and keep running. The fourth and fifth pass before I notice. I stop at the sixth and walk for the seventh. My parents' voices rise above the pounding of my heart and the intake of breath. They worry, this is only natural. They will always worry. I will always give them reason to worry. The tide of our relationship is controlled by a cycle of security and uncertainty that I feel powerless to change. Security seems too close to comfort, and comfort is far too near settlement for me to enjoy. Uncertainty brings adversity and chaos, inspiration. I run until there is only the overgrown trail, the encroaching darkness, and me.
Microsoft and Zone Alarm and Comcast
So Microsoft's recent malicious software removal tool (or whatever) is a piece of crap and won't work with Zone Alarm's firewall. I haven't been able to do anything since Tuesday because I was unable to get on to the internet to check it out and the library's connection is slow enough to drive any sane person mad.
I have been visiting with visiting friends. That was less stressful than I thought it might be. Anyway, I'm back again and will be finishing some excellent posts.
I have been visiting with visiting friends. That was less stressful than I thought it might be. Anyway, I'm back again and will be finishing some excellent posts.
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Monday, July 07, 2008
Fireworks and Me
Good Idea: Playing with BB guns, .22 rifles, and 12 gauge shotguns before drinking anything with alcohol.
Bad Idea: Playing with explosives after drinking alcohol.
Result: I think I lost some hair and I have a few burns on my hands, but I still have all of my fingers and toes. I also have some strange bruises, and an odd welt in my hairline.
It was a hell of a party.
Bad Idea: Playing with explosives after drinking alcohol.
Result: I think I lost some hair and I have a few burns on my hands, but I still have all of my fingers and toes. I also have some strange bruises, and an odd welt in my hairline.
It was a hell of a party.
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
How Dare They?
Wall-E…supposes that the human race of the future will become a flabby mass of peabrained idiots who are literally too fat to walk.
Shouldn't we be so successful that all Americans can be fat and lazy now? Aren't we the best nation in the history of the universe, ever in all creation, for all time? How dare Pixar and Disney suggest that Americans are anything but fat, lazy, and all consuming!
In all seriousness, while I may have my own struggles with the ease of over-caloricating and the general lack of effort needed to live in the US, I don't agree that we are a lazy people. Shit, most people are lucky to get a full ten days of paid vacation a year and goddamn blessed if they are actually able to take those vacation days. This is not a great indicator of an lazy workforce, but ask yourself how many nights you have worked late and put in tons of overtime for your office without any direct compensation for that effort.
Or maybe that is just me and my bosses.
Staples of small-town conservative life such as the small farm, the “atomic family,” and old-fashioned and wholesome entertainment like “Hello, Dolly” are looked upon by the suddenly awakened humans as beautiful and desirable.
As an editor, I take issue with the use of scary air quotes. The quotation marks around atomic family are entirely unnecessary. The marks around "Hello, Dolly" are appropriate but whether that film is wholesome is another matter. After all, don't those gheys like show tunes? Are "Wall-E" and Patrick Ford promoting the insidious homosexual agenda?
Shouldn't we be so successful that all Americans can be fat and lazy now? Aren't we the best nation in the history of the universe, ever in all creation, for all time? How dare Pixar and Disney suggest that Americans are anything but fat, lazy, and all consuming!
In all seriousness, while I may have my own struggles with the ease of over-caloricating and the general lack of effort needed to live in the US, I don't agree that we are a lazy people. Shit, most people are lucky to get a full ten days of paid vacation a year and goddamn blessed if they are actually able to take those vacation days. This is not a great indicator of an lazy workforce, but ask yourself how many nights you have worked late and put in tons of overtime for your office without any direct compensation for that effort.
Or maybe that is just me and my bosses.
Staples of small-town conservative life such as the small farm, the “atomic family,” and old-fashioned and wholesome entertainment like “Hello, Dolly” are looked upon by the suddenly awakened humans as beautiful and desirable.
As an editor, I take issue with the use of scary air quotes. The quotation marks around atomic family are entirely unnecessary. The marks around "Hello, Dolly" are appropriate but whether that film is wholesome is another matter. After all, don't those gheys like show tunes? Are "Wall-E" and Patrick Ford promoting the insidious homosexual agenda?
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
You Want My SAT and ACT Scores?
Huh?
This is the first time in at least five years that any employer has asked for those scores. I am no longer certain of my ACT score, except that I remember doing considerably better on that test than on the SAT. I am pretty sure I got a 1210 on the SAT and I think I got a 31 on the ACT. Or maybe a 29? That was...thirteen years ago. Or twelve.
In any event, what the hell is the point of asking for a potential employee's SAT or ACT scores when you require a BS or BA? You are not hiring any high school graduates, so how would tests from at least four years prior, and much education prior, help an employer determine whether you are worth interviewing? GRE or LSAT scores I could see being a very interesting number, but high school scores seem so pointless.
This is the first time in at least five years that any employer has asked for those scores. I am no longer certain of my ACT score, except that I remember doing considerably better on that test than on the SAT. I am pretty sure I got a 1210 on the SAT and I think I got a 31 on the ACT. Or maybe a 29? That was...thirteen years ago. Or twelve.
In any event, what the hell is the point of asking for a potential employee's SAT or ACT scores when you require a BS or BA? You are not hiring any high school graduates, so how would tests from at least four years prior, and much education prior, help an employer determine whether you are worth interviewing? GRE or LSAT scores I could see being a very interesting number, but high school scores seem so pointless.
Another Odd One
I had a dream in which an ex-girlfriend and I were solving crimes. I was mute and she had to interpret my gestures and various frowning expressions to the audience of assorted officers of the peace. At one point, we ran through a subway tunnel. I may have shot at a suspect. Thinking about it, this dream is rather allegorical for our relationship. Except for the subway tunnel and the shooting.
Maybe that represents my pursuit of love and the self destructive nature of my heart? The tunnel could represent my fumbling approach to emotions and the shooting would then symbolize my ill-advised manner in which I attempt to emotionally involve myself in my relationships.
Or I could have been thinking about the X-Files movie trailer I saw before Wanted, which I saw with my ex-girlfriend. Don't even get me started about the cobags who brought a child younger than 4 to that movie, or the other cobags who let them bring the child into the theater. Fuck it, next time I wait for the damn DVD. The movie sucked, too. The scene my companion found most amusing was ripped off of Equilibrium.* I kinda feel bad for Timur Bekmambetov because there were a lot of great touches in the movie but there were some aspects that were just plain dumb. A fraternity of assassins named The Fraternity. Really? Was The Order too close to that movie about witchcraft titled The Order? Also, a fraternity with Angelina Jolie isn't exactly a fraternity. I guess frarority still sounds fucking dumb. Why not go with The Weavers? or The Fate Guys? or the Curving Bullet People Who Also Sometimes Go All Matrix And Jump From Tall Building to Tall Building Despite Their Being No Indication or Support of This in The Context of The Movie?
Ok, I have to admit that just about every action scene was frigging cool, kinda the way Ultraviolet wanted to be, but the suspension of disbelief was ruined by some of the goofiness of everything. The director does have a singular sense of humor that really brought a shine to some parts (the "I Quit" scene) but also took away from other parts (Morgan Freeman saying "fuck" or "motherfucker" is not enough).
Anyway, it should do well enough to avoid turning the director into a pariah, which is nice because I really liked Night Watch and Day Watch.
* I don't really mind that it was ripped off, I just want to sound cool by pointing it out.
Maybe that represents my pursuit of love and the self destructive nature of my heart? The tunnel could represent my fumbling approach to emotions and the shooting would then symbolize my ill-advised manner in which I attempt to emotionally involve myself in my relationships.
Or I could have been thinking about the X-Files movie trailer I saw before Wanted, which I saw with my ex-girlfriend. Don't even get me started about the cobags who brought a child younger than 4 to that movie, or the other cobags who let them bring the child into the theater. Fuck it, next time I wait for the damn DVD. The movie sucked, too. The scene my companion found most amusing was ripped off of Equilibrium.* I kinda feel bad for Timur Bekmambetov because there were a lot of great touches in the movie but there were some aspects that were just plain dumb. A fraternity of assassins named The Fraternity. Really? Was The Order too close to that movie about witchcraft titled The Order? Also, a fraternity with Angelina Jolie isn't exactly a fraternity. I guess frarority still sounds fucking dumb. Why not go with The Weavers? or The Fate Guys? or the Curving Bullet People Who Also Sometimes Go All Matrix And Jump From Tall Building to Tall Building Despite Their Being No Indication or Support of This in The Context of The Movie?
Ok, I have to admit that just about every action scene was frigging cool, kinda the way Ultraviolet wanted to be, but the suspension of disbelief was ruined by some of the goofiness of everything. The director does have a singular sense of humor that really brought a shine to some parts (the "I Quit" scene) but also took away from other parts (Morgan Freeman saying "fuck" or "motherfucker" is not enough).
Anyway, it should do well enough to avoid turning the director into a pariah, which is nice because I really liked Night Watch and Day Watch.
* I don't really mind that it was ripped off, I just want to sound cool by pointing it out.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Frustrations with the Lack of Loss
I have been sticking to my exercise routine and have recently upped the duration and exertion in each session, but I am still frustrated with the lack of progress on my problem areas. My problem areas being every part of my body except my forehead, forearms, hands, and feet. I don't really need to lose any weight in any of those areas. I am seeing some funky veins and stuff on my forearms, but my gut and thighs still belong to a McDonald's Lifetime Eatcheivement Award winner. This is very disappointing.
I have heard that you lose weight from the extremities inward, but could we get with the program, belly? Perhaps the Pork Snorkels of the Past are to blame but I think the blame lies solely with my easy willingness to play World of Warcraft for twelve hours at a time. Or Supreme Commander. Or Call of Duty 4. Or Fallout 3, when that releases. Or Warhammer: Age of Reckoning, whenever that hits the streets (estimates place it at early 2012).
So I have altered my diet a little and continue working out. What else am I going to do besides look for a job? Porn gets pretty old, or so I'm told, and that isn't much of an exercise.
I have heard that you lose weight from the extremities inward, but could we get with the program, belly? Perhaps the Pork Snorkels of the Past are to blame but I think the blame lies solely with my easy willingness to play World of Warcraft for twelve hours at a time. Or Supreme Commander. Or Call of Duty 4. Or Fallout 3, when that releases. Or Warhammer: Age of Reckoning, whenever that hits the streets (estimates place it at early 2012).
So I have altered my diet a little and continue working out. What else am I going to do besides look for a job? Porn gets pretty old, or so I'm told, and that isn't much of an exercise.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Advanced Product Testing for Geniuses: Phillips Senseo
I was recently given a Phillips Senseo that I think was not used at all by the previous owner. I have no particular love for espresso, but I am not one to look a gift coffee maker in the spout. I did not receive a manual, but I am pretty sure that I have all the parts. After checking it over for any extraneous grime and finding none, I spent a few minutes attaching the random plastic piece, which my friend had said was a vital part, to the reservoir. I put the drip tray and coffee mug rack on the base of the machine. I placed the filter in the top and tried to close the top. Everything slotted together and the top closed without any exertion on my part, so I figured that I had assembled it properly. But will it brew?
I plugged it in and filled the reservoir to the double shot level. I placed a coffee "pod" in the space that I had been told was appropriate and closed the top. I looked at the three buttons on the front and tried to determine the proper course of action. My old coffee maker, a piece of Krap from Krups, has a power button and nothing else, not even an auto-off function. Three buttons was a new and strange world of brewing. The large middle button had the universal power symbol above it, the circle with a vertical line, so I hit that first. A red ring started flashing around the button and I thought, "oh crap, now I have to send this back to Microsoft and demand a refurbished model." The machine also begin making a sound that was not dissimilar to my dishwasher starting up. I waited a few seconds to see what would happen and then pushed the double shot button to the right of the power button. The symbols for the double shot and the single shot button, on the left of the power button, were the same as the reservoir, an outline of a teeny little espresso cup for the single serving and two single shots next to a mug for the double serving. The dishwasher noise stopped when I pushed the double button and then the red ring began to flash rapidly.
Wishing I had the manual, I hit the double serving again. Nothing happened. I checked the reservoir and saw that half the water I had poured in was gone. Hmm. I then filled the reservoir to the top line and slapped it back on. I tapped the double button again. Nothing. I hit the power button and the red ring started blinking slowly like it did the first time. A much more muted hum emanated from this strange machine. I waited for about 30 seconds before realizing that I better put a mug underneath the spout. I cleaned a coffee mug and placed it on the fancy tray under the spout. I hit the double serving button again. The machine began to hum and whirr again and then creamy espresso began to pour out of the spout. SUCCESS! I am indeed smarter than a sexy espresso machine!
The coffee itself is pretty good. I wonder if the pod will be good for a second cup. I wouldn't mind trying some of the flavors, but I will have to see what I can find in my neighborhood stores. That is the limiting factor with this machine, the funky coffee pods. The pods contain grounds in little filter packs, like coffee ravioli or tea. I would prefer to be able to use some espresso ground Mayorga coffee from the Marvelous Market across the street rather than trust an online store. I like to smell a coffee before I buy it because I like to think I can smell something other than coffee and the packaging.
Anyway, here are a couple of other people's opinions but I doubt these are as cool or as smart as mine as they are not Geniuses:
Randy Glass
Epinions (also has instructions, should have looked at that earlier...)
I plugged it in and filled the reservoir to the double shot level. I placed a coffee "pod" in the space that I had been told was appropriate and closed the top. I looked at the three buttons on the front and tried to determine the proper course of action. My old coffee maker, a piece of Krap from Krups, has a power button and nothing else, not even an auto-off function. Three buttons was a new and strange world of brewing. The large middle button had the universal power symbol above it, the circle with a vertical line, so I hit that first. A red ring started flashing around the button and I thought, "oh crap, now I have to send this back to Microsoft and demand a refurbished model." The machine also begin making a sound that was not dissimilar to my dishwasher starting up. I waited a few seconds to see what would happen and then pushed the double shot button to the right of the power button. The symbols for the double shot and the single shot button, on the left of the power button, were the same as the reservoir, an outline of a teeny little espresso cup for the single serving and two single shots next to a mug for the double serving. The dishwasher noise stopped when I pushed the double button and then the red ring began to flash rapidly.
Wishing I had the manual, I hit the double serving again. Nothing happened. I checked the reservoir and saw that half the water I had poured in was gone. Hmm. I then filled the reservoir to the top line and slapped it back on. I tapped the double button again. Nothing. I hit the power button and the red ring started blinking slowly like it did the first time. A much more muted hum emanated from this strange machine. I waited for about 30 seconds before realizing that I better put a mug underneath the spout. I cleaned a coffee mug and placed it on the fancy tray under the spout. I hit the double serving button again. The machine began to hum and whirr again and then creamy espresso began to pour out of the spout. SUCCESS! I am indeed smarter than a sexy espresso machine!
The coffee itself is pretty good. I wonder if the pod will be good for a second cup. I wouldn't mind trying some of the flavors, but I will have to see what I can find in my neighborhood stores. That is the limiting factor with this machine, the funky coffee pods. The pods contain grounds in little filter packs, like coffee ravioli or tea. I would prefer to be able to use some espresso ground Mayorga coffee from the Marvelous Market across the street rather than trust an online store. I like to smell a coffee before I buy it because I like to think I can smell something other than coffee and the packaging.
Anyway, here are a couple of other people's opinions but I doubt these are as cool or as smart as mine as they are not Geniuses:
Randy Glass
Epinions (also has instructions, should have looked at that earlier...)
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
More Great Music Coming to DC
Birds & Batteries are coming to Washington, DC on July 1 at the Red and the Black. I will be there. You should be, too.
I will also be at the First Mondays show at Iota on July 7.
I will also be at the First Mondays show at Iota on July 7.
Listing
I start the fourth class in my editing certificate program tonight, so I'll look even better on paper than a I do now. So that's cool.
I am suspending my World of Warcraft account after the Fire Festival.
I am upping the intensity and duration of my daily work out.
I am still looking for a new job. If you know any workplace that is looking for an editor or proofreader, let me know. I will move anywhere. I can survive in any country on the planet, possibly even those countries that are actively hostile to Americans.
I have lost some weight. How much, I don't know because I refuse to bend knee to vilely oppressing scales.
I am pissed about Battlestar Galactica's broadcast schedule. The executives at SciFi can eat a shitty hot dog.
I saw a cool show about hot dogs last night. More on that later.
I have been making tomato soup from scratch. Kinda fun.
I have been eating a lot of grilled cheese sandwiches with that tomato soup.
I have been drinking some pretty damn good coffee that a former coworker smuggled into the US from Ethiopea for me.
I have not been playing enough Guitar Hero.
I have been listening to some amazing music that really brings me down to the level at which I usually sink before rising again, higher than before.
I am indeed a fucking phoenix. I do not mean that when fucking, I rise again and again, though that would be kinda cool, if tiring. I mean that I crash and burn more frequently than (bad airline) and lie broken for a period of time of length as yet undetermined and then shoot up like a shooting up thing, to soar at heights previously unreached.
I am suspending my World of Warcraft account after the Fire Festival.
I am upping the intensity and duration of my daily work out.
I am still looking for a new job. If you know any workplace that is looking for an editor or proofreader, let me know. I will move anywhere. I can survive in any country on the planet, possibly even those countries that are actively hostile to Americans.
I have lost some weight. How much, I don't know because I refuse to bend knee to vilely oppressing scales.
I am pissed about Battlestar Galactica's broadcast schedule. The executives at SciFi can eat a shitty hot dog.
I saw a cool show about hot dogs last night. More on that later.
I have been making tomato soup from scratch. Kinda fun.
I have been eating a lot of grilled cheese sandwiches with that tomato soup.
I have been drinking some pretty damn good coffee that a former coworker smuggled into the US from Ethiopea for me.
I have not been playing enough Guitar Hero.
I have been listening to some amazing music that really brings me down to the level at which I usually sink before rising again, higher than before.
I am indeed a fucking phoenix. I do not mean that when fucking, I rise again and again, though that would be kinda cool, if tiring. I mean that I crash and burn more frequently than (bad airline) and lie broken for a period of time of length as yet undetermined and then shoot up like a shooting up thing, to soar at heights previously unreached.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
They Be Stoleded My Frenz!
It kinda sucks when friends move away. You can't hang out anymore and they never call you back. Sometimes, they even get restraining orders.
Anywho, friends ask me to help them move and I frequently return the favor. I have noticed that the more chaotic and unprepared my friends are to move, the more food they have left over for me to take. SCORE!
Anywho, friends ask me to help them move and I frequently return the favor. I have noticed that the more chaotic and unprepared my friends are to move, the more food they have left over for me to take. SCORE!
Friday, June 20, 2008
The Beast Within
My brother calls them the wolf hairs, the dark hairs that grow out of strange places or hairs of unusual length from otherwise normal patches. Eyebrows begin to lengthen as the old hairs fall out and are replaced by bizarre cilia that loom over and menace the remaining hairs, as if these mere hairs were but lonely, sarcastic, video store employees. I believe there may be frequent exchanges of milk money.
There are the other patches of wolf hairs. They creep and crawl and slither their way across my body. I recently conducted and extensive survey, utilizing all of my archaeological and primatological techniques, and was amazed and frightened by the results. While I am not Greek, I find myself contemplating forgoing sweaters in the next winter season.
There are odd patterns in the patches. If I stare at them too long, I begin to notice scripts and symbols. I can almost make them out. I think that one is a star and then that one might be a ... oh no.
There are the other patches of wolf hairs. They creep and crawl and slither their way across my body. I recently conducted and extensive survey, utilizing all of my archaeological and primatological techniques, and was amazed and frightened by the results. While I am not Greek, I find myself contemplating forgoing sweaters in the next winter season.
There are odd patterns in the patches. If I stare at them too long, I begin to notice scripts and symbols. I can almost make them out. I think that one is a star and then that one might be a ... oh no.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
That Poor Old Chicken
What is the song that has the lyrics:
...so he poured hot water up and down its leg,
and that poor, old chicken laid a hard boiled egg?
Anyone know or is this too Americablog-gy and NRO-y to ask other people to do my research for me?
...so he poured hot water up and down its leg,
and that poor, old chicken laid a hard boiled egg?
Anyone know or is this too Americablog-gy and NRO-y to ask other people to do my research for me?
Friday, June 13, 2008
Did I forget to eat again?
It's been an action packed day full of calls to insurance organizations, job hunting, blogging, Incredible Hulk reruns, Supreme Commander, and forgetting to eat anything. I didn't forget to make a pot of coffee. And people wonder how I am losing weight. It might have something to do with the work-outs I have been working, but I think the frequent omissions of regular meals is a larger factor. I just get busy and forget to eat. Probably isn't too healthy. meh
Promised Poop Shoot: Cooler Than You Music
In the days before blogs, there was memepool and True Porn Clerk Stories. I was definitely a cooler-than-you video clerk in my clerking days and I doubt this list will fail to confirm that. I would frequently subject the suburban families to music that was just way too cool for them. I did get a few grimaces and annoy one father by suggested that he accompany his 16 year old daughter to the shows she wants to see at the Black Cat. He was willing to admit that he would have snuck out of the house to see his favorite bands as a kid, but that I should shut the hell up and just rent him Flubber.
1. Roofwalkers - Tear Down the Tents: Formerly named Pagoda. I have not seen them live yet, but I am sure I will at one of the First Mondays in the next few months.
2. Lejeune - New Best Friend: The singer's voice is a little nasal for my taste, but the music is interesting. I like their songs over all, especially "Replaced by Robots."
3. The Vita Ruins - Alien: Cool beans.
4. Rose - Regarding the 11th: Better break-up/heartbreak music than The Frames.
5. Thao Nguyen - Like the Linen: Another person that I have recommended to a couple ladies who have all loved her music.
6. Georgie James - Cheap Champagne: Catchy and fast. Pretty much describes most of their songs.
7. Le Loup - I had a dream I died: Not exactly a CDC candidate but the music is great.
8. These United States - Diving Boards Pointed at the Sky: Despite some notable hosers deciding not to go to their San Francisco show, I continue to proclaim this band to my friends. Even if my friends are losers.
Well that's that. I need to get a new job so I can have more income to spend on music.
*I accidentally hit post when I had only written half of the title. I contemplated leaving the post as it was because I thought it was a funny joke but decided it was more mehta than meta.
1. Roofwalkers - Tear Down the Tents: Formerly named Pagoda. I have not seen them live yet, but I am sure I will at one of the First Mondays in the next few months.
2. Lejeune - New Best Friend: The singer's voice is a little nasal for my taste, but the music is interesting. I like their songs over all, especially "Replaced by Robots."
3. The Vita Ruins - Alien: Cool beans.
4. Rose - Regarding the 11th: Better break-up/heartbreak music than The Frames.
5. Thao Nguyen - Like the Linen: Another person that I have recommended to a couple ladies who have all loved her music.
6. Georgie James - Cheap Champagne: Catchy and fast. Pretty much describes most of their songs.
7. Le Loup - I had a dream I died: Not exactly a CDC candidate but the music is great.
8. These United States - Diving Boards Pointed at the Sky: Despite some notable hosers deciding not to go to their San Francisco show, I continue to proclaim this band to my friends. Even if my friends are losers.
Well that's that. I need to get a new job so I can have more income to spend on music.
*I accidentally hit post when I had only written half of the title. I contemplated leaving the post as it was because I thought it was a funny joke but decided it was more mehta than meta.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
So Yeah
Once again, I have failed at my bloggy duties. I have about 17 half-finished posts which I expect to finish tomorrow. I wouldn't believe me, either.
Expect at least a musical poop shoot tomorrow morning.
Expect at least a musical poop shoot tomorrow morning.
Saturday, June 07, 2008
Kathleen Better Sign The Waiver
I can't promise that she won't get arrested while on my Cobagitation Tour next weekend. We'll hit the White House, AEI, CEI, the Capitol Building. We could even hit the offices of some lobbying firms if she feels up to it. I need to do some research and get some big sheets of sign-quality paper. If anyone else is interested in joining the tour, drop me an e-mail.
Thursday, June 05, 2008
Zimbabwe Goes Even Further Overboard
I hope everyone involved in this incident recovers and that the entire country can come back to some sort of stability. I would be willing to bet hard currency that my parents know people involved. Crap.
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
Air Guitar Related News
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
DC Air Guitar Championships Wednesday, June 4th
I have a ticket waiting for me. If you aren't there tomorrow, you're a damn loser.
930 Club
US Air Guitar
The National Finals are on August 8th in San Francisco. Buy your tickets as soon as possible, that will sell out. Don't be a fucking cobag and miss it for two years in a row. You know who you are.
Chumps.
930 Club
US Air Guitar
The National Finals are on August 8th in San Francisco. Buy your tickets as soon as possible, that will sell out. Don't be a fucking cobag and miss it for two years in a row. You know who you are.
Chumps.
Monday, June 02, 2008
Pop Ren!
Pop Rennaissance left a comment! Perhaps we will see updates to his myspace page and the western delegates of the newly reformed Cookie Democracy will attend a show.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Oh Shit They're Back
When I was couch surfing at one of my brothers' apartment in Oakland, I learned a lesson in patience and suffering. My brother lived in a loft building within spitting distance of the rebuilt Highway 80, near the off-ramp for 880, I think. If you had the windows open, you were subjected to an aural assault of zooming cars, downshifting trucks, and struggling transmissions. A fine, black grit would drift in and settle on any still surface. This detritus of the road consisted of tire dust and engine exhaust. If the wind was right, this foul breeze would blend with the odors of the coffee roasting factory down the road and the vending machine pastry factory next adjacent to the former building in which I suffered. These strange mixtures warped my senses and I was unable to enjoy a cup of coffee while I rode the foam in Oakland nor have I eaten a vending pastry since.
All of the previous was minor compared to the upstairs neighbors. The floors of the lofts were hardwood, as it was a converted warehouse, and the heathen bastards residing in the apartment above were kind souls and take in every dog they saw abandoned on the highway. These dogs would bark and yowl, yip and growl, whine and howl all the live long day. These dogs would scrape and scramble across the hardwood floor in a pack and it was difficult to retain my Zen-like calm at being an unemployed college dropout. In addition to the noise, the new dogs to the pack would urinate on the floor or disrupt the collective water sources and liquids would percolate through the ceiling into my brother's unit. This was bad but it was not the worst for these neighbors had another bad habit.
The upstairs neighbors also liked to watch the TV at volumes one does not hear outside of assisted living facilities full of stubborn old biddies who don't want to turn on their hearing aids because the batteries will run down. I can recall a night, within a month of the premiere of The Two Towers, when I was watching The Fellowship of the Ring on television at the same time the neighbors were. I heard a strange echo and checked the speaker connections and settings. After checking everything, I realized that the echo was coming from upstairs. I wasn't hearing an echo of the TV and stereo output, I was hearing the echo of the the neighbor's system upstairs. I muted our television and was able to continue watching the movie with the sound muted and not miss any of the audio. My brother walked out of his room and asked me to turn it down during one of the commercials that was particularly loud. When I explained the situation, I recall him looking at the ceiling and saying, "oh, those assholes." This was not the worst.
One of the upstairs neighbors broke a leg shortly before The Dog deposited me in Oakland. The genius got the idea that rolling around his apartment in an office chair would be easier than limping around on crutches. I imagine that all the dogs would be more likely to stay away from a careening chair than a disabled guy hobbling around on sticks. Their hardwood floor and the eighteen foot ceiling in my brother's unit created a lovely acoustic effect that magnified the rumbling noise of the neighbor's office chair into an earthquake sensor affecting and insanity inducing clatter. If the man in the poem had hear such a clatter, he would have called the National Guard to complain about the tank division that had landed on his lawn. This was not the worst.
These upstairs neighbors were also artists. One of them worked with canvas, paints, and textures. The other worked with rocks, chainsaws, and power drills. I can not be certain, but I think he dropped a chunk of rock on his leg shortly before I slouched into town. Every morning at 9:15 am after his leg had healed enough to work, he would open the throttle on his chainsaw and get to work. He would hack and carve and make such a racket. The chunks of stone would slam onto the ceiling with a mighty thump. The drills would whine and scream. The dogs would bark and howl. I was never able to sleep through this clamorous creation process. Could I reasonably ask them to be quiet? This was his sole source of income as far as I knew, and despite my newfound propensity for art criticism, I also felt that as an unregistered and unpaid tenant of the building, my concerns were less likely to improve the situation as they were to improve my immediate need for a new residence. The situation could not have been less accommodating to sanity but I suffered through it and would bitch, moan, and complain as soon as I found a sympathetic ear. I hope that I was humorous in my retelling of the trials of Job but I doubt it.
These trials are now more than five years in the past. I have moved past and through the shattering cacophony into a mind of peace. I tell you all this now not as a warning to those that might move into that residence but as a warning to those visiting my current residence BECAUSE I THINK THESE FUCKERS MOVED IN UPSTAIRS! I woke this morning to a pounding, clattering, thumping such as I have not heard since the stonecarver in Oakland. This time it shall be different. This time I will not sit nor stand for the aural abuse. HAHAHAHA THIS TIME I HAVE A HAMMER, JACKASS! AND ALL OF MY PROBLEMS LOOK LIKE NAILS!
All of the previous was minor compared to the upstairs neighbors. The floors of the lofts were hardwood, as it was a converted warehouse, and the heathen bastards residing in the apartment above were kind souls and take in every dog they saw abandoned on the highway. These dogs would bark and yowl, yip and growl, whine and howl all the live long day. These dogs would scrape and scramble across the hardwood floor in a pack and it was difficult to retain my Zen-like calm at being an unemployed college dropout. In addition to the noise, the new dogs to the pack would urinate on the floor or disrupt the collective water sources and liquids would percolate through the ceiling into my brother's unit. This was bad but it was not the worst for these neighbors had another bad habit.
The upstairs neighbors also liked to watch the TV at volumes one does not hear outside of assisted living facilities full of stubborn old biddies who don't want to turn on their hearing aids because the batteries will run down. I can recall a night, within a month of the premiere of The Two Towers, when I was watching The Fellowship of the Ring on television at the same time the neighbors were. I heard a strange echo and checked the speaker connections and settings. After checking everything, I realized that the echo was coming from upstairs. I wasn't hearing an echo of the TV and stereo output, I was hearing the echo of the the neighbor's system upstairs. I muted our television and was able to continue watching the movie with the sound muted and not miss any of the audio. My brother walked out of his room and asked me to turn it down during one of the commercials that was particularly loud. When I explained the situation, I recall him looking at the ceiling and saying, "oh, those assholes." This was not the worst.
One of the upstairs neighbors broke a leg shortly before The Dog deposited me in Oakland. The genius got the idea that rolling around his apartment in an office chair would be easier than limping around on crutches. I imagine that all the dogs would be more likely to stay away from a careening chair than a disabled guy hobbling around on sticks. Their hardwood floor and the eighteen foot ceiling in my brother's unit created a lovely acoustic effect that magnified the rumbling noise of the neighbor's office chair into an earthquake sensor affecting and insanity inducing clatter. If the man in the poem had hear such a clatter, he would have called the National Guard to complain about the tank division that had landed on his lawn. This was not the worst.
These upstairs neighbors were also artists. One of them worked with canvas, paints, and textures. The other worked with rocks, chainsaws, and power drills. I can not be certain, but I think he dropped a chunk of rock on his leg shortly before I slouched into town. Every morning at 9:15 am after his leg had healed enough to work, he would open the throttle on his chainsaw and get to work. He would hack and carve and make such a racket. The chunks of stone would slam onto the ceiling with a mighty thump. The drills would whine and scream. The dogs would bark and howl. I was never able to sleep through this clamorous creation process. Could I reasonably ask them to be quiet? This was his sole source of income as far as I knew, and despite my newfound propensity for art criticism, I also felt that as an unregistered and unpaid tenant of the building, my concerns were less likely to improve the situation as they were to improve my immediate need for a new residence. The situation could not have been less accommodating to sanity but I suffered through it and would bitch, moan, and complain as soon as I found a sympathetic ear. I hope that I was humorous in my retelling of the trials of Job but I doubt it.
These trials are now more than five years in the past. I have moved past and through the shattering cacophony into a mind of peace. I tell you all this now not as a warning to those that might move into that residence but as a warning to those visiting my current residence BECAUSE I THINK THESE FUCKERS MOVED IN UPSTAIRS! I woke this morning to a pounding, clattering, thumping such as I have not heard since the stonecarver in Oakland. This time it shall be different. This time I will not sit nor stand for the aural abuse. HAHAHAHA THIS TIME I HAVE A HAMMER, JACKASS! AND ALL OF MY PROBLEMS LOOK LIKE NAILS!
Friday, May 16, 2008
I Might Be On To Something...
I bet that if I wrote a movie about three brothers that were the owners and sole employees of a landscaping company and had Hugh Jackman, Christian Bale, and Gerard Butler as the stars, speaking with their native accents, I would make a killing. Literally. Women would explode while watching this movie.
Incidentally, I think I know a woman who already has her tickets for the Wolverine movie.
One Friday night while I was still working at the video store, a couple of recently single women, or married women on a ladies night, came into the store looking for a movie to watch with a couple bottles of mediocre wine. They wanted a movie that was entertaining but not too girly. There was something in their voices, something that tickled the dark reaches of my mind.
I pulled Beowolf & Grendel off the shelf and said, "it's a little gory and a little odd, but it does have Gerard Butler running around in a loincloth or shirtless for most of the movie."
"Who's Gerard Butler?" they asked.
I pointed to his picture on the back of the box and they both said, "oooohhh" like they hadn't had decent sex for longer than should be legal.
The next night when one of them returned the movie, she slid it across the counter as if it were some illicit substance, looked me in the eyes, and whispered, "thank you." By the time I recovered, she had left.
Incidentally, I think I know a woman who already has her tickets for the Wolverine movie.
One Friday night while I was still working at the video store, a couple of recently single women, or married women on a ladies night, came into the store looking for a movie to watch with a couple bottles of mediocre wine. They wanted a movie that was entertaining but not too girly. There was something in their voices, something that tickled the dark reaches of my mind.
I pulled Beowolf & Grendel off the shelf and said, "it's a little gory and a little odd, but it does have Gerard Butler running around in a loincloth or shirtless for most of the movie."
"Who's Gerard Butler?" they asked.
I pointed to his picture on the back of the box and they both said, "oooohhh" like they hadn't had decent sex for longer than should be legal.
The next night when one of them returned the movie, she slid it across the counter as if it were some illicit substance, looked me in the eyes, and whispered, "thank you." By the time I recovered, she had left.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Unstimulating Simulations
I am working on a monstrously thorough post for Well Rounded Nerds about video games but I feel safe that I can throw this tidbit out into the internets:
The fishing mechanic in the World of Warcraft has got to be the best simulation of any activity ever. It is boring as hell. I would post a screenie but I wouldn't want to cause any bodily harm. My ears bleed when I try to level fishing.
The fishing mechanic in the World of Warcraft has got to be the best simulation of any activity ever. It is boring as hell. I would post a screenie but I wouldn't want to cause any bodily harm. My ears bleed when I try to level fishing.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Middle Ground
I know two people who act like all of their interactions must be as cordial as every interaction between Israel and Palestine. The only difference between these two friends of mine and that conflict is that my friends can work shit out, if only they would grow the fuck up.
Seriously, GROW THE FUCK UP.
Seriously, GROW THE FUCK UP.
Friday, May 09, 2008
Disposable Income Dreams, #XN-3892
I would totally build one of these. If I knew a damn thing about electronics and had a workshop. That table beats the hell out of my homemade bed platform/storage trunk/bookshelf. The table has probably also produced more happiness and euphoria than my bed, too.
WAIT
WAIT
Thursday, May 08, 2008
It Works, So I'm Stealing It
How about Ask A Genius? I'm also kind of a bastard, ask most women in DC. Besides, I could use some inspiration.
Here's a Confession For You, Or Me
I have a man-crush on Psych.
I uh yeah um so
COMPLETELY UNRELATED UPDATE: I made some pb&js for lunch. After eating the sandwiches and wondering why they tasted a little funny, I realized that the peanut butter was more than two years old. I feel awful but have to go off to class in an hour.
I uh yeah um so
COMPLETELY UNRELATED UPDATE: I made some pb&js for lunch. After eating the sandwiches and wondering why they tasted a little funny, I realized that the peanut butter was more than two years old. I feel awful but have to go off to class in an hour.
Poeticly Licensed Justice
Life goes on in a rather similar fashion to much as it ever has.
I am trying my hand at wingnut poetry. The above sentence is a good example of pointless complexity. It could say everything it says with only three words: Life goes on.
I am trying my hand at wingnut poetry. The above sentence is a good example of pointless complexity. It could say everything it says with only three words: Life goes on.
I Feel Victimized
Someone opened the dryer door on my last load and did not restart the cycle when they closed to door. The time ran out and I had to pay for another dryer cycle. I am not amused.
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Time To Face Facts
The results from the two primaries, the largest remaining Democratic ones, assured that Obama would widen his lead in pledged delegates over Clinton, providing him with new ammunition as he seeks to persuade Democratic leaders to coalesce around his campaign. He also increased his lead in the popular vote in winning North Carolina by more than 200,000 votes.
1735 vs 1602 in pledged delegates. Check out those calculators.
The most important aspect, more than numbers and calculators, is how this struggle is dividing the Democratic voters. Look at the vehemence and unkindness of the comments in my previous post. This race has been important for America but it is now over. Vastly more people support one candidate. The discussion of the candidacy has become divisive. We're squabbling while our political opposites are consolidating their support. We need unity in order to clarify and promote our ideals to the greater voting public and win in the fall.
1735 vs 1602 in pledged delegates. Check out those calculators.
The most important aspect, more than numbers and calculators, is how this struggle is dividing the Democratic voters. Look at the vehemence and unkindness of the comments in my previous post. This race has been important for America but it is now over. Vastly more people support one candidate. The discussion of the candidacy has become divisive. We're squabbling while our political opposites are consolidating their support. We need unity in order to clarify and promote our ideals to the greater voting public and win in the fall.
Sunday, May 04, 2008
Speechifying
Man, I sure hope Obama is able to back up his words when he kicks the shit out of McCain in the fall.
Saturday, May 03, 2008
Apparently She Said Yes to More Than We Thought
Jennifer admits to something fascinating over at Sadly, No. I've always known she was freaky.
Thursday, May 01, 2008
Could Everyone Stop Being Cobagz?
I sincerely hope that this is some sort of innocent misunderstanding but the history of our country and our elections does not support my hope.
This has spoiled my day.
This has spoiled my day.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Surgical Strikes are not Performed by Doctors
Victory is ours once again! We returned to the scene of Friday's battle against the buckthorn and slew great swathes of the enemy. I personally eliminated five hostile battalion commanders* and their attendants. I could not have performed my duties without the guidance and training provided by our most excellent sergeant nor without my stalwart comrades in arms.
Stomping through the battlefield with saw and clippers reminded me of my childhood spent stomping through imaginary battlefields with sticks and ... other sticks. Every moment I smelled cedar, I was propelled back through the corridors of memory. My brothers and I roamed all over the fields and forests of Door County. I could feel the tensions of the last few weeks fading away with each intake of breath. Every squelchy step in the flooded forest left angry emotions stuck in the mud and detritus. Every buckthorn hewn down was a satisfying accomplishment, something that has been particularly absent in my life of late.
*These were fruiting buckthorn, about 1-2.5 inches in width. Without my dad's knee-high boots, I would not have been able to get to three of them because they were too close to the overflowing creek. Thanks, Dad!
Stomping through the battlefield with saw and clippers reminded me of my childhood spent stomping through imaginary battlefields with sticks and ... other sticks. Every moment I smelled cedar, I was propelled back through the corridors of memory. My brothers and I roamed all over the fields and forests of Door County. I could feel the tensions of the last few weeks fading away with each intake of breath. Every squelchy step in the flooded forest left angry emotions stuck in the mud and detritus. Every buckthorn hewn down was a satisfying accomplishment, something that has been particularly absent in my life of late.
*These were fruiting buckthorn, about 1-2.5 inches in width. Without my dad's knee-high boots, I would not have been able to get to three of them because they were too close to the overflowing creek. Thanks, Dad!
Back from Patrol
I wish I could have written this report yesterday but my unit was out on a long range reconnaissance patrol, attempting to locate any further buckthorn staging grounds in Newport State Park. The invaders are very crafty and look similar to a local species which can only be distinguished from the hated enemy by its reddish bark. This is a source of consternation for me as my colorblindness hinders my attempts to root out and destroy the vile buckthorn. I have my teammates verify all of my potential targets. It's the only way to be sure.
Having identified a range of deadly targets, my team and I were dismayed to find out that we must return to Saturday's field of battle. The word in the barracks says that our defeated enemy was able to summon reinforcements. The schedule is grueling and the fight is epic and yet, I weary of the struggle. I wish to be home and warm and fed. The fight is not over and will not be over before I am called away from this theater.
We march in twenty minutes.
Having identified a range of deadly targets, my team and I were dismayed to find out that we must return to Saturday's field of battle. The word in the barracks says that our defeated enemy was able to summon reinforcements. The schedule is grueling and the fight is epic and yet, I weary of the struggle. I wish to be home and warm and fed. The fight is not over and will not be over before I am called away from this theater.
We march in twenty minutes.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
The Victorious Return to Base Camp
We march back to camp cold, wet and hungry but with our heads held high and our hearts full of victory! The vile invading buckthorn was caught unaware of our attack and scattered to the elements. With saw and snips, we cleared swathes of hideous groves and horrid stands. We sprayed the stumps with a herculean solution of blue gunk so that the regenerative properties of the plant would not allow it to rise again like the hydra.
We struggled for hours and suffered some causalties. Deer and duck had been sent in to scout the enemy position, but did not survive their mission. We were only able to retrieve their tags, so little of their corporeal presence remained. Their sacrifice was not in vain, as we were able to clear large areas of the menace known only as "that plant we're supposed to cut and spray."
Victory!
Long live the fighters!
We struggled for hours and suffered some causalties. Deer and duck had been sent in to scout the enemy position, but did not survive their mission. We were only able to retrieve their tags, so little of their corporeal presence remained. Their sacrifice was not in vain, as we were able to clear large areas of the menace known only as "that plant we're supposed to cut and spray."
Victory!
Long live the fighters!
Weekend Retreat
I am currently using a Compaq computer to access the interwebs. This computer is a good example of Compaq's line of no longer seen products. It could probably do with a backup and then formatting to remove all these bizarrely unhelpful utilities. Whatever, it's not mine.
I hope to write some this weekend. My hosts and I had plans to go engage some buckthorn in a vicious action over at Whitefish Dunes State Park, but since the temperature is currently hovering around freezing, our attack has been temporarily delayed. Given the wind and the fearsome weather predicted, our attack may be postponed indefinitely. I find myself unprepared for subzero temperatures and snow. I was told to expect colder weather but not winter weather. Perhaps I should have contacted our man in Michigan.
Crapola. I have just received word from my commanding officer that the attack is on since the buckthorn would never expect an attack in such weather. Hopefully, I will return alive and with all my fingers and toes.
I hope to write some this weekend. My hosts and I had plans to go engage some buckthorn in a vicious action over at Whitefish Dunes State Park, but since the temperature is currently hovering around freezing, our attack has been temporarily delayed. Given the wind and the fearsome weather predicted, our attack may be postponed indefinitely. I find myself unprepared for subzero temperatures and snow. I was told to expect colder weather but not winter weather. Perhaps I should have contacted our man in Michigan.
Crapola. I have just received word from my commanding officer that the attack is on since the buckthorn would never expect an attack in such weather. Hopefully, I will return alive and with all my fingers and toes.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Uwe Bool Gets Burned by Blizzard
This may be old news to anyone who follows Uwe Boll, but I have lately been out of touch with my normal habits. Apparently, Blizzard told Boll that they had no interest in collaborating on a World of Warcraft movie with him. Which is a shame because I would have gone to see that and am not likely to go see a serious or faithful adaptation of that game.
Friday, April 18, 2008
The Grocery Store
I realized today in the grocery store that I am really glad I never bought that album by the Killers.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
I've Abandoned My BLOG!
Not really, but There Will Be Blood comes out on DVD today and I could think of no better explanation of my recent vacations from bloggy-land. Anyway, World of Warcraft is now giving me splitting headaches, which could be related to my three year old glasses or could be caffeine withdrawal symptoms. Probably both.
Expect more blogging later, especially after I file a few year's worth of tax returns.
You heard me.
Expect more blogging later, especially after I file a few year's worth of tax returns.
You heard me.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Totally Tarantula Tuesday: With Less Autism
Helob, the Tarantula of Undefined Species, molted lasted night. I noticed that she/he/it/spider had flipped over onto his/her/its/spider's back and immediately sniffed the top of the cage. I have heard that tarantulas reek horribly when they die and thought that maybe she/he/it/spider had decided to leave this existence in a cartoonishly melodramatic fashion. The cage did not smell of dead tarantula, incidentally I have no idea what that smells like, and Helob did wiggle her/his/its/spider's legs when I brought the enclosure down to the floor.
Having once read that tarantulas needs a lot of humidity and no crickets in their cages when they molt, I immediately put fresh water in the dish, added a second dish of water, and dribbled water on the glass sides of the ten-gallon aquarium in which Helob lives. Over the next couple hours, Helob wiggled free of his/her/its/spider's old exoskeleton and is now happily hiding in the corner of the aquarium. I think she/he/it/spider may be feeding on the remaining juice in the husk, as I have heard tarantulas do that.
It will take several days for Helob's new exoskeleton to reach full strength and I plan on purchasing a smaller enclosure and filling it with clean sand and a small burrow. Or maybe I will just get clean sand and remove the old dirt from the current cage. Both of these ideas require me to remove Helob from her/his/its/spider's home temporarily and to do that, I must either pick up a spider with INCH-LONG FANGS or shovel Helob out with a bowl or something and hope he/she/it/spider doesn't crawl out and escape under my stove or something. The last thing this country needs is another Cirith Ungol. Especially in my apartment.
Here are a couple videos:
Helob is brown but you get the idea:
That same species has a dinner date:
Did you notice how it had one foot on the web? Terrestrial tarantulas apparently have abysmal eyesight and use the vibrations caused by moving food on the webs to locate and catch prey.
Here is a dumbass kid:
Having once read that tarantulas needs a lot of humidity and no crickets in their cages when they molt, I immediately put fresh water in the dish, added a second dish of water, and dribbled water on the glass sides of the ten-gallon aquarium in which Helob lives. Over the next couple hours, Helob wiggled free of his/her/its/spider's old exoskeleton and is now happily hiding in the corner of the aquarium. I think she/he/it/spider may be feeding on the remaining juice in the husk, as I have heard tarantulas do that.
It will take several days for Helob's new exoskeleton to reach full strength and I plan on purchasing a smaller enclosure and filling it with clean sand and a small burrow. Or maybe I will just get clean sand and remove the old dirt from the current cage. Both of these ideas require me to remove Helob from her/his/its/spider's home temporarily and to do that, I must either pick up a spider with INCH-LONG FANGS or shovel Helob out with a bowl or something and hope he/she/it/spider doesn't crawl out and escape under my stove or something. The last thing this country needs is another Cirith Ungol. Especially in my apartment.
Here are a couple videos:
Helob is brown but you get the idea:
That same species has a dinner date:
Did you notice how it had one foot on the web? Terrestrial tarantulas apparently have abysmal eyesight and use the vibrations caused by moving food on the webs to locate and catch prey.
Here is a dumbass kid:
Monday, April 07, 2008
That's News to Me
Recent developments in my life have led me to quest for a new job. I am looking for an editorial or copyediting type job in any city in the US. Hell, anywhere in the world would be fine with me.
I am specifically willing to move to Bratislava, Boston, Chicago, San Francisco, and Portland.
UPDATE: In response to mdhatter, I am finishing off my certificate in Editing and Proofreading at the USDA Graduate School and would like to use those skills in my new job. Any company that writes anything for public distribution should have someone capable of preventing goofs and errors that seem acceptable but then wind up on Jay Leno's segment of newspaper mistakes. I have been working for a magazine and am not using these skills as much as I was promised or would like.
I am specifically willing to move to Bratislava, Boston, Chicago, San Francisco, and Portland.
UPDATE: In response to mdhatter, I am finishing off my certificate in Editing and Proofreading at the USDA Graduate School and would like to use those skills in my new job. Any company that writes anything for public distribution should have someone capable of preventing goofs and errors that seem acceptable but then wind up on Jay Leno's segment of newspaper mistakes. I have been working for a magazine and am not using these skills as much as I was promised or would like.
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Did I Miss It?
Probably.
I pranked my boss yesterday. Well, when I say pranked, I really mean that I learned that I had fucked another assignment into the dustbin of failure. This one is entirely my fault and doesn't help my track record. I remember when I was reliable. What the shit happened to me?
Well, anyway, this shit is hilarious. BEARS!* THE BUKKIT HAZ BEN FOWND!
For those who can't tell, and I was one of them at first, the 'lolling' going on in that thread, and perhaps others, may have been part of an April Fool's joke by Blizzard.
I pranked my boss yesterday. Well, when I say pranked, I really mean that I learned that I had fucked another assignment into the dustbin of failure. This one is entirely my fault and doesn't help my track record. I remember when I was reliable. What the shit happened to me?
Well, anyway, this shit is hilarious. BEARS!* THE BUKKIT HAZ BEN FOWND!
For those who can't tell, and I was one of them at first, the 'lolling' going on in that thread, and perhaps others, may have been part of an April Fool's joke by Blizzard.
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Splitting Hairs
The last time I cut my hair was in July, shortly before my birthday. I had been keeping it short for four years because I despised the eighteen dollar haircuts available to me at the local barber shop. After every cut, I felt ripped off and generic. The moment after I first shaved my head, I felt liberated from some stupid icon of heirarchy and social dominance. I had made a choice to shave my head for no reason beyond financial but the act was almost violently independent. Most men with shorn locks have no ability to grow them or have some contractual obligation requiring their hair be no longer than an eighth of an inch. I was somehow different because I had fantastic hair and chose to go without.
For the first two months of uninterrupted hair, I was simply too busy. Distracted by work and the vagaries of chance and piques of heart, I forgot about trimming my hair. My hair grew out and quickly looked shaggy and goofy. I thought about cutting it frequently. I disliked it. The hair stuck up and out in odd places, but was still too short to control with a brush.
After four months of hair, I looked almost revolutionary with a wild mane of hair and goatee. It was fun having a wild and unruly mop of hair again. I could only exert a mild control over the riotous strands. I declared that I would cut it when the weather turned warm in the spring. Washington is no city for long hair, the humidity and heat are a heavy curse.
In the fifth month of hair, I learned that a friend's child had been diagnosed with kidney cancer. The prognosis was good, the tumor had been found in time to avoid a lengthy chemo treatment and multiple surgeries. His parents and doctors decided that a four month run of chemo would be the safest option. The little guy is not yet two years old. When I saw him two weeks ago, his thin toddler's hair had started to fall out. Too young to talk about his pain, it was only expressed in his eyes.
My mother called me in early March to ask if she could donate my old hair, cut off in 1999, to an organization that makes wigs for children living through chemo treatments. I agreed and will be donating my current shaggy hair as soon as it is available.
For the first two months of uninterrupted hair, I was simply too busy. Distracted by work and the vagaries of chance and piques of heart, I forgot about trimming my hair. My hair grew out and quickly looked shaggy and goofy. I thought about cutting it frequently. I disliked it. The hair stuck up and out in odd places, but was still too short to control with a brush.
After four months of hair, I looked almost revolutionary with a wild mane of hair and goatee. It was fun having a wild and unruly mop of hair again. I could only exert a mild control over the riotous strands. I declared that I would cut it when the weather turned warm in the spring. Washington is no city for long hair, the humidity and heat are a heavy curse.
In the fifth month of hair, I learned that a friend's child had been diagnosed with kidney cancer. The prognosis was good, the tumor had been found in time to avoid a lengthy chemo treatment and multiple surgeries. His parents and doctors decided that a four month run of chemo would be the safest option. The little guy is not yet two years old. When I saw him two weeks ago, his thin toddler's hair had started to fall out. Too young to talk about his pain, it was only expressed in his eyes.
My mother called me in early March to ask if she could donate my old hair, cut off in 1999, to an organization that makes wigs for children living through chemo treatments. I agreed and will be donating my current shaggy hair as soon as it is available.
This Would Have Been Funnier
If I didn't know someone that has tried to screw me over with a similar tactic. He failed, of course, because he neglected to account for my considerable intellect.
Rule Number X*N: Don't use your first attempt at forgery as evidence in a professional environment.
Rule Number X*N: Don't use your first attempt at forgery as evidence in a professional environment.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Friday Random Five
1. Lily Allen - Alfie. How do like her now, Pinko Punko? That will teach you to disparage my fucking awesome taste in music while cruising the hood for bullet-proof KFCs and pork sandwiches. Bitch.
2. The Raveonettes - Veronica Fever. I think I would like them better if I were driving or working out or something. They screw up my concentration while proofreading. They do have a nice mix of rocking but at the right pace for maintaining an activity like biking or something.
3. Paul Simon - That Was Your Mother. Graceland.
4. Benevento - Soba. I don’t know where this came from but I like it.
5. Madeleine Peyroux - Don’t Wait Too Long. This song can not possibly resonate with anything in my life. At all. Like ever.
6. Paul Simon - The Boy in the Bubble. Sounds kinda like me at times. Back off, you might pop it.
7. Cadence Weapon - Tattoos and What They Feel Like. Downloaded from You Ain’t No Picasso’s SXSW reports. I guess, sure, yeah. Incidentally, has SXSW sundanced yet?
8. The Prototypes - Danse Sur La Merde. Sounds like CSS. I wonder if I like faux French bands more than real French bands.
9. M. Ward - To Go Home. Some of you may be getting sick of hearing about M. Ward, but fuck you because I am interested in his collaboration with Zooey Deschanel.
2. The Raveonettes - Veronica Fever. I think I would like them better if I were driving or working out or something. They screw up my concentration while proofreading. They do have a nice mix of rocking but at the right pace for maintaining an activity like biking or something.
3. Paul Simon - That Was Your Mother. Graceland.
4. Benevento - Soba. I don’t know where this came from but I like it.
5. Madeleine Peyroux - Don’t Wait Too Long. This song can not possibly resonate with anything in my life. At all. Like ever.
6. Paul Simon - The Boy in the Bubble. Sounds kinda like me at times. Back off, you might pop it.
7. Cadence Weapon - Tattoos and What They Feel Like. Downloaded from You Ain’t No Picasso’s SXSW reports. I guess, sure, yeah. Incidentally, has SXSW sundanced yet?
8. The Prototypes - Danse Sur La Merde. Sounds like CSS. I wonder if I like faux French bands more than real French bands.
9. M. Ward - To Go Home. Some of you may be getting sick of hearing about M. Ward, but fuck you because I am interested in his collaboration with Zooey Deschanel.
One of Those Blog's Weeks Linky Lush Lumps
I knew I was ready to leave work early this morning when I laughed at this in my gmail rss feed:
Drywall Buttjoints - eastcoastdrywall.com - Eliminate Ugly Drywall Buttjoints Automatic Drywall Tools Sales
Survey says: Discovery Channel needs better journalists. Bonobos and Chimpanzees do not "share much of the same behavior and social hierarchy." Chimpanzees are typically patriarchal societies and bonobos groups are typically matriarchal. Bonobo behavior is also startlingly different when it comes to sex, in that it happens on a frequency that reminds a guy that maybe he misused his college years by playing any Diablo at all, ever.
I wouldn't mind having a squid beak implanted in my cyborg-super-mutant-soldiers when I rule the world.
Drywall Buttjoints - eastcoastdrywall.com - Eliminate Ugly Drywall Buttjoints Automatic Drywall Tools Sales
Survey says: Discovery Channel needs better journalists. Bonobos and Chimpanzees do not "share much of the same behavior and social hierarchy." Chimpanzees are typically patriarchal societies and bonobos groups are typically matriarchal. Bonobo behavior is also startlingly different when it comes to sex, in that it happens on a frequency that reminds a guy that maybe he misused his college years by playing any Diablo at all, ever.
I wouldn't mind having a squid beak implanted in my cyborg-super-mutant-soldiers when I rule the world.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
AVALANCHE!!
This week has nothing to do with watching Pathfinder on Monday night. Or was it Tuesday or Sunday? In any event, some stuff is done (class) and other stuff just keeps accelerating (work). Ladifuckingda, like it is something new or unique that I am ridiculously busy. Why don't I cry about it?
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Please Remember to Delete Your WTF Folder
Because we need the fucking space for the new shit to move in:
Honeywell introduces Little Brother Spy Robot. Does anyone believe this guy: "Our intentions are to use it only in tactical situations as an extra set of eyes," said police department spokesman Juan Villalba. Didn't someone say something similar about FISA?
The USA is expanding the fingerprinting of foreign travelers. If terrorists have never committed a crime in the US or traveled here before enacting some plot, how would this stop them? Why are all of our terrorist prevention attempts so bumfucking ass backwards? That dumb fucking liquid ban was rather fucking dumb. The ban on toenail clippers? Dumb. What the fuck am I going to do? Give the pilot a pedicure? Morans.
Hillary Clinton exagerated, or really fabricated, a story about a sniper attack. I am rather guilty of this as well. I exagerate and fabricate stories all the time. There is a slight difference between me and Senator Clinton: I do it for humor, not to score cheap points against a political rival. I asked what else she could do to prove to me that my dislike of her as a candidate was valid. Business as usual against business as (hopefully) something new.
Honeywell introduces Little Brother Spy Robot. Does anyone believe this guy: "Our intentions are to use it only in tactical situations as an extra set of eyes," said police department spokesman Juan Villalba. Didn't someone say something similar about FISA?
The USA is expanding the fingerprinting of foreign travelers. If terrorists have never committed a crime in the US or traveled here before enacting some plot, how would this stop them? Why are all of our terrorist prevention attempts so bumfucking ass backwards? That dumb fucking liquid ban was rather fucking dumb. The ban on toenail clippers? Dumb. What the fuck am I going to do? Give the pilot a pedicure? Morans.
Hillary Clinton exagerated, or really fabricated, a story about a sniper attack. I am rather guilty of this as well. I exagerate and fabricate stories all the time. There is a slight difference between me and Senator Clinton: I do it for humor, not to score cheap points against a political rival. I asked what else she could do to prove to me that my dislike of her as a candidate was valid. Business as usual against business as (hopefully) something new.
I Missed the Party Twice in the Last Week
Last night, I worked until 9 and missed Bossy's DC stop. Last Saturday, I forgot about The Mountain Goats until the day of the show and found out that the show had sold out. Fuck.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Let's Turn That Phrown Upside Down!
I think it was The Genius who said, "a foolish inconsistency is the hobgoblin of fucking pissing me off."
I sincerely enjoy having tasks dumped on me suddenly and receiving incorrect instructions and then watching them explode in my face eight months later. I sure do love how professional it makes me look. The doctor says it really helps my blood pressure, too. He wants to submit my results to the International Olympic Cobag Committee. Just jab a javelin in my circulatory system and then show me a circulation report with a deadline of two days ago. Fucking spear will land in Tibet.
I sincerely enjoy having tasks dumped on me suddenly and receiving incorrect instructions and then watching them explode in my face eight months later. I sure do love how professional it makes me look. The doctor says it really helps my blood pressure, too. He wants to submit my results to the International Olympic Cobag Committee. Just jab a javelin in my circulatory system and then show me a circulation report with a deadline of two days ago. Fucking spear will land in Tibet.
Monday, March 24, 2008
For the Best Probation Officer in Chicago
I'm a dumbass. With my extensive knowledge of our country's penal system, I should have known the difference between a parole officer and a probation officer. Law & Order fails me yet again! Curses!
On Your Bookmarks
But just in case you aren't hip or with it or cool or a hot lunch or whatever the kids are calling it these days, Peep Research.
Maybe Battlestar Blogging Will Rez-Erect Teh L4m3
But don't reveal any fucking spoilers because I haven't finished watching season three, bitches.
I wonder if there is a website that tracks the number of Last Supper parodies or copies? Here's the latest.
Three seconds of web searching later...
Culture Popped
I still want one of Brandon Bird's Lenny paintings, but James Woods might do in a pinch.
I was also pleased to learn that you're the man now, dog still has a web presence.
I wonder if there is a website that tracks the number of Last Supper parodies or copies? Here's the latest.
Three seconds of web searching later...
Culture Popped
I still want one of Brandon Bird's Lenny paintings, but James Woods might do in a pinch.
I was also pleased to learn that you're the man now, dog still has a web presence.
Friday, March 21, 2008
These United States will be in San Francisco on March 23rd
Don't become a cobag by missing them. These United States are great live and great on their album, too. Don't take my word for it, take someone else's word! Music for Robots likes them so much they also included them on a compilation album!
Pinko Punko and fulsome especially should get off their steadily expanding asses and go see the show.
UPDATE: I am now calling out Kathleen. Let's see if she and that good-for-nothing man of hers can muster the simple courage to see a show and meet the fulsome. I think we can all agree that Pinko Punko does not have the stones to attend the show.
Pinko Punko and fulsome especially should get off their steadily expanding asses and go see the show.
UPDATE: I am now calling out Kathleen. Let's see if she and that good-for-nothing man of hers can muster the simple courage to see a show and meet the fulsome. I think we can all agree that Pinko Punko does not have the stones to attend the show.
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