Money Laundering: A Quick How-To-Get-Away-With-It

On Wednesday, May 29, 2013, the Washington Post called the Liberty Reserve "one of the biggest laundering operations in history."  Liberty Reserve stands accused with laundering six billion dollars.  For certain definitions of big, this statement could be considered accurate.  In the real world, this is like called a house sparrow one of the biggest birds in history.  HSBC was accused with laundering an estimated two hundred fifty billion dollars for Iran, as well as failing to properly monitor another six hundred seventy billion dollars of wire transfers and almost another ten billion in purchased US Dollars.

Let's put those amounts in numbers:
Liberty Reserve: 6,000,000,000
HSBC:              930,000,000,000

Hey, that's a lot of zeros.  Let's strip these down and ask an eight year old which is bigger.
Genius Nephew, which of these two numbers are bigger: 6 or 930?
* Not pictured, my nephew laughing at me, calling me silly, and pointing at 930.

Seven people have been arrested in the Liberty Reserve case.  Not one person has been arrested relating to the HSBC laundering case.  Let's go back to my Financial Investigator, my eight year old nephew:
Genius Nephew, which of these two numbers are bigger: 7 or 0?
* Not pictured, my nephew laughing at me, calling me silly, and pointing at 7.

The lesson is quite clear.  If you're going to launder funds, go big or go to the big house.  Laundering money is fine as long as the amounts involved are staggering, and you use the profits to expand your business into credit cards and other types of loans.

You might think that I am an anarchist advocating that the government shouldn't bother prosecuting cases like this in the new age of the internet, the greatest social experiment yet, but I'm not.  I am a progressive with some mild anarchist tendencies, usually only expressed while inebriated, advocating the radical idea that governments apply their laws to everyone, not just the conveniently prosecuted.

I'm also disappointed with the Post for the lazy reporting.  Calling Liberty Reserve "one of the biggest" when HSBC was two* orders of magnitude larger is ludicrous.  $6 billion is chump change compared to $980 billion.  Even the Republicans wouldn't argue too much over six billion in a budget debate, but nine-hundred eighty billion gives anyone pause.  To put that in recent news perspective, that is more than 2,940 massive Powerball jackpots.  Imagine if three people won 300+ million dollar jackpots every day for the next two and a half years.  Just ludicrous.

* Thanks, Pinko

About as Good an Explanation as We are Likely to Get

The recent economic troubles/disaster/shitstorm/totalfuckingidioticlunacy in song. And in color.

And WTF? Is Yahoo running a nostalgia special on the news from 1950 through 1989? That quote from Putin that keeps showing up in Call of Duty 4 about "...those who fear the Soviet Union are right, and those who miss it are insane..." (paraphrased) apparently was an admission of insanity on his part. If this keeps up, I expect to be informed that I have to go back to grade school in Romania and have my Tiger electronic game stolen by the Secret Police again.

Perhaps I Shouldn't Rely Solely on the Daily Show

I completely missed the news of the embassy attack in Yemen yesterday.

BBC Needs Some Proofreaders

This is exactly why you have proofreaders:

The Death Zone

Expedition organisers only learned of the avalanche after a group of climbers arrived back at the mountain's base camp on Saturday evening.

The mountaineers included Koreans, Pakistanis, Nepalis, Dutchman and Italians, reports say, but exact details remain unclear.

They at an altitude known as the Death Zone, where oxygen levels are not high enough to sustain life.

I keep writing all these really awful jokes here, but eleven people died doing something I will never attempt and I am trying to reconnect with the human race, so I keep deleting the jokes. The view must be amazing, and all the more so for the struggle.

CNBC Claims Oil Prices Plunge!

While watching some news this morning, I saw a moment of stupidity on CNBC. This is a perfect example of one of the problems of mass media. The ticker on the bottom of the screen starts with "OIL PRICES PLUNGE!" and you have some talking heads saying some crap about Iran backing down, campaign rhetoric, and the record high of $157 (this may not be correct) per barrel of crude oil. I wondered how low the price had plunged, expected it to be below $100 per barrel due to the use of "plunge." Thirty seconds later, the ticker says "OIL BRIEFLY DIPS BELOW $120/BARREL."

That doesn't really seem like a plunge, but it is close to one-fifth of the price of a barrel at the height, providing I heard that one guy correctly. However, that price is still double what people were calling an expensive barrel of oil a year ago. Remember when people were predicting total financial collapse if the cost of oil hit $80/barrel? Fucking crap, you newsies never learn. You should all read this book.

Newspaper Websites: You're Doing it Wrong, Washingtonpost.com

To: Washington Post
Attention: Web Editor and General Management
Re: www.washingtonpost.com

Your website sucks. It sucks almost as much as the guy I saw last night on Clara Barton Parkway driving a fucking Firebird with a bumper sticker that read "Back Off My Nutz" and with a pair of the plastic testicles hanging from his bumper. You might wonder why The Genius has laid a claim of suckage upon thine internet personage, and I'll tell you: your require some bullshit login for every damn article.

When I click on the link for this story about the hippo losing his home, I want to read the article and not see some useless fucking login. I would not mind logging in to peruse your archives, but I am sick and tired of having to log in to view the content of every podunk website out there.

It's also a frikking jumble. I am a web savvy genius and I find it hard to locate information that I want on your website. You need to clean that shit up. You have only three columns, which is good, but when I think I have reached the bottom of the page, the "Diversions" scroll bar, I haven't. There is a ton of content below that bar, but I was fooled and you can bet others are. Clean it up. Kitchen sinks should be left in the kitchen.

You're a national newspaper. Report national news and do it well. Leave the local news to the various Gazettes around town.

On a final note, your movie critics are terribad. Hire me instead, I can guarantee that I will at least watch the entire movie and won't write from the perspective of a balding, jilted journalism major.

Zimbabwe Goes Even Further Overboard

I hope everyone involved in this incident recovers and that the entire country can come back to some sort of stability. I would be willing to bet hard currency that my parents know people involved. Crap.

News Round Up: The Super Depressing Shit to Start Your Week

Georgia Rule: Your allegations of fraud do not concern me.

Smells Like 2003: Not enough war in the world as it is?

Blame the Victim: Taking Karl Rove's political advice, Mr. Musharraf?