Tuesday, September 02, 2008

The Genius Versus The Atlantic Ocean: 0-1

In a press release dated September 1, The Genius alleges that the Atlantic Ocean did knowingly, and with intent to cause grievous bodily harm, assault The Genius over the course of two days. Suffering from blunt force trauma to the skull, a hyperextended knee joint, and a twisted foot, The Genius claimed, "Those fucking waves are being way too fucking rough. I'm gonna go sit in the sun and ache."

The Genius is alleging that on two occasions within ten minutes, the Atlantic Ocean and its partner, The Wind, created surf conditions that initially appeared to be fun and not at all dangerous but caused inflicted serious pain and injury to the person of The Genius. Furthermore, The Genius alleges that the harm was deliberate due to the apparent lack of injuries sustained by "all the other fucking people and all the damn kids" on the beach in the general vicinity of The Genius during these heinous attacks on his person.

In an interview on the morning of September 2, The Genius stated, "I'm fucking sore and this is really gonna screw up my basketball and bicycling schedule. Fuck that whole ocean with a rusty pinecone."

The Genius is seeking compensation for pain and suffering in the amount of 1,000,000,000 dollars, plus medical expenses and legal fees, or 100 years of unclaimed sunken pirate treasure, aka booty, from the Atlantic Ocean.

10 comments:

Dandrobium said...

You are of course aware that its hurricane season and there are, what two, three, hurricanes in the Atlantic? And that hurricanes are known to stir up a little surf?

rotten mcdonald said...

Obviously, Chuckles is telegraphing his upcoming conversion to Republicanism and rapprochement with Tucker the Orange.

They have long range plans to still the oceans with a thick covering of heavy crude.

Heavy crude and American-style garbage!

That'll quell those breakers.

mdh said...

Mighty Neptune once dragged me about 1/4 mile offshore during hurricane season. You notice the people on surfboards around you, then notice how far away land is, then notice it's getting farther away. Scary.

I much prefer rivers.

Chuckles said...

I liked the waves until they hurt me. It was deliberate, I tell you! They sought me out and harmed my person! The proof is in their silence. They refuse to respond lest they be forced to commit perjury at trial.

Kathleen said...

I think you might have trouble with service of process.

mdh said...

I'm always afraid his lawyers are circling just offshore.

rotten mcdonald said...

Chuckles, in light of this, I'm kind of glad the walk along the Potomac didn't work out. What with Mother Nature hating you and all.....

Chuckles said...

Mother Nature loves me, but The Sea is a jealous bitch.

Yeah, you heard me right, you bearded old clam! Come up the Potomac River and get me! You'd better bring some pretty strong waves to get me up here on the bluffs! HAHA!

Adorable Girlfriend said...

Calling the sea a bitch?

And you call yourself a "liberal"?!!

Chuckles said...

Yes.