My New Career in Advertising Beckons

A coworker and I were riffing on the wonders of Gold Bond in our steamy, seedy place of business. In addition to debating the merits of various application styles, we wrote a few ads that would probably only ever air on a short-lived, summer-replacement sketch comedy show. On HBO. In between Taxicab Confessions 47: The Long Ride Home, and Real Sex with Dolls 11: Real Girl on Real Girl. Here are some slogans I came up with on the bus this afternoon:

Gold Bond: Keeps your balls cold without freezing your nuts off.

Gold Bond: Keeps you dry until you want to get wet.

Gold Bond: For those men who know what "not so fresh" feels like.

Gold Bond: Feels good on your butthole. Real good.*

Gold Bond: Strong enough for a bear's balls, made for a man's. Bear-Men may also apply.

**Gold Bond: The average crotch is a stanky, sweaty 170 degrees fahrenheit, but a Gold Bond crotch feels like a breezy 70 degrees.

Take the Hundred Degree Challenge! If your balls don't feel one hundred degrees cooler after a single dusting of Gold Bond Crotch Powder, we'll send you a bottle of Gold Bond Medicated Crotch Aftershave!

I also invented some new Gold Bond products:

Sandalwood-Scented Gold Bond for the adventuring man. "For those Hemingway days...and nights."

Whiskey-Scented Gold Bond for the gentleman. "Who doesn't want to smell like Sean Connery?"

*This one comes courtesy of the barback.
**This is more of a marketing campaign than a slogan. Sorry.
***Please don't sue me for this, I write this from love. Plus I'm broke.

Free Heroin for Psychos

"A London-based shrink named Dr Richard Graham wants to create an all-psychiatrist guild for World of Warcraft to treat 'addiction' to the game, in the game. And he wants them all to get free accounts. He has called on Blizzard Entertainment, the company that makes World of Warcraft, to waive or discount the costs associated with joining the game so that therapists can more easily communicate with at-risk players in their preferred environment.

'We will be launching this project by the end of the year. I think it's already clear that psychiatrists will have to stay within the parameters of the game. They certainly wouldn't be wandering around the game in white coats and would have to use the same characters available to other players,' said Dr Graham.

'Of course one problem we're going to have to overcome is that while a psychiatrist may excel in what they do in the real world, they're probably not going to be very good at playing World of Warcraft. We may have to work at that if we are going to get through to those who play this game for hours at end.'"

In related news, addiction counselors everywhere are supporting this effort. They are also demanding tons of drugs, so that they can more effectively counsel addicts, as addicts.

Thanks to Ginger Snaps for the article. Ernest Nesingwary Emulation to start tomorrow.

On Your Bookmarks

But just in case you aren't hip or with it or cool or a hot lunch or whatever the kids are calling it these days, Peep Research.