Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Just Under The Wire

I have located employment at a Dupont Circle bar. More news in the New Year, as my library will be closed tomorrow and Thursday, but I shall return triumphantly with a Tarantula Tuesday on Friday, music on WRN, and probably some updates to the bloggio. Green is the new black.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Extra Cookie Madness

I think maybe I made too much dough. I have an enormous amount left and only the smallest shred of sanity with which to work the infernal contraptions in my kitchen. I set the coffee maker to 375, and pre-heated the sink. Next I think I need to knead the spoons, and bake the cookie cutters. Then I can move on to fricasseeing the ladles, and maybe, if I get fancy, melting some bananas for a lovely crab rangoon.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Just Chuck Full of the Fucking Spirit Am I

I am unironically enjoying Kathleen's Holiday Radio Pandora channel again this year. I am trying not to be such an unrelenting curmudgeon, and I have to say that it is pretty freaking tough. I hope the two people I might see this holiday season fucking appreciate how nice I am being.

So I am inflicting my amazing cookies, if such a meager word can define these scrumdiddilyumptious morsels of pure alien insanity, on a group of friends and relatives tomorrow. My brother and I are hosting an intimate gathering to eat cookies, drink hot booze with spices, and watch holiday movies. Everyone else thinks that we are going to watch Christmas Vacation, but I know better. We are going to watch the horrifying and evil holiday special that can only match the evil in my cookies, if such a pathetic word can be used to describe the immortal hellscape that has been reduced to a bite-sized confection.

Additionally, why wasn't I informed of this earlier?

UPDATE: We only made it through 35 to 40 minutes of the Special, and even that only because my brother started fast forwarding through the parts containing no human dialogue.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

CDC: William Shatner and the Cast of Every Star Trek TV Series, Ever

This dream happened a little while ago and I have yet to come to terms with the thrashing it gave my uncollected subconscious.

I called up a friend of mine, who exists in real life, and asked her to get me some tickets to the next session of the US Senate. She works for a Senator* and had access to a couple tickets a year. We had a bit of back and forth because of a contentious relationship, but she finally agreed to get me a ticket as long as I promised to wear the proper attire. I reluctantly agreed to her demands.

The dream then morphed into the day of the session to which I had a ticket. I was standing outside the Senate chambers. I was near the statue of Will Rogers, and standing in line with the rest of the ticket holders. I thought this was a little odd, because the Will Rogers statue is outside one of the doors to the House chamber and not the Senate. But it was a dream, so whatevs.

I was wearing the proper attire, which consisted of a futuristic spandex mini-skirt. The skirt was a metallic purple, or blue,** and a little sparkly. Everyone was wearing one. After the second American Revolution, the masses decided that everyone working in the Government would wear the same uniform so that all citizens could identify them as such when the civil servant was not in the office. This was thought to encourage honesty in our government. When sitting in a session, all visitors were required to wear that same uniform. Unfortunately, the one I had gotten was not quite big enough and tended to ride up a little, and I was constantly pulling it down.

After a brief wait, the visitors were invited into the Senate Chambers. The Senators were all seated already and we filed into the viewing balcony. Once we had quieted down, Jonathan Frakes stood up to introduce a new spending bill. William Shatner then spoke in support of this bill, as did Jerry Seinfeld, and Patrick Stewart. The person next to me whispered something about, "that's a simple majority, then."

At this point in the dream, I started to nod off in my seat in the gallery of the senate. After the second revolution, the masses decided that lobbyists had too much power in the old government and had decided to change the voting infrastructure in America. We would now all vote through our digital video recorders, which would be monitored by the new Nielsen-inspired Department of Media Research. Senators and Representatives would be chosen based on the number of viewers and subscribers to every television program. Only the stars of the shows and certain qualifying regular guest stars could qualify.

Thus the three major voting blocs in the US House and Senate were the cast of Star Trek, Friends, and Seinfeld. The cast of all the Star Trek series ever created held a significant margin in both the House and Senate, except for everyone in Enterprise, and Scott Bakula only had a seat in the House due to Quantum Leap. Apparently, the Seinfeld and Star Trek blocs frequently aligned for budget and other fiscal matters, while disagreeing on social policies. While I was slowly nodding off, my metallic purple, or blue, skirt kept riding up. I had to wake myself up every now and then to pull the skirt down, so that I would not be arrested for indecent exposure. At the end of the session, I stood up, pulled down my skirt, and said, "That was better than television." Then I woke up.

*She actually does work for a Senator, but as far as I know, does not have access to tickets, nor do I know if they even sell tickets for Senate sessions.

**Yes, I am still colorblind in my dreams.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

I won't be home for Christmas

Maybe it's just me but I kinda like being alone on Christmas. I would rather work than spend a socially acceptable amount of my non-disposable income on gifts that are supposed to show how much I care for another person. I like giving thoughtful gifts to people, I just don't want to do it when I am told. I would rather mail someone something cool and thoughtful any other time of year than December.

I hate the manufactured emotion that we are all supposed to display during a random day in a random month (that isn't even on the day when the Christianics should be celebrating anyway). Why should we all get together to give gifts on this day? Why not just be happy and familial all year long? The holiday commercials drive me right to drink, too. "Hey, you know that kid you've been ignoring all year? BUY THEM A NEW PHONE AND YOU WON'T HAVE TO TALK TO THEM FOR ANOTHER 12 MONTHS!"

The WalMart commercials running this year are particularly enraging. Is the one day a year only really special if you buy your kids some more trade deficit toys? Or do you want them all to get lead poisoning because you can't stand your life? Shouldn't every day with your kids be special? They're the future and all that.

Man, I like being alone but maybe I shouldn't be left alone for too long. What bitchy asshole I can be.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Mmmmm Bake-Off Cookies...

So once again, I declare myself the winner of the 2008 E-True Holiday Cookie E-Bake Off tm. Mendacious D made a spuriously solid attempt at unseating the champion, but ultimately failed as his concocted confection was slightly off. I think his Wormwood-root-embellished-East-Prussian-truffle-flaked-creme-brule puffs went bad in the time it took them to reach me. He did have them sent by African carrier pigeon, so he gets points for style, but loses points for stagflation of flavor.

As for my entry, I went with my traditionally sinful-extragalactic sugar cookies. Of course, they were fantastic again. I would even go so far as to say that what remains of my mind was shattered even further and into teenier, tinier pieces than the last time I followed the Recipes of the Mad Arab. I experienced some oddly coherent visions while tripping back through the doorways of my mind, trekking past the mouth of madness, the tongue of inconceivability, the tastebuds of infinite esoterocity. I will commit these visions to paper and relay them to you through this electronoscopic ether in due time. William Shatner may or may not feature heavily in these visions, as may spandex skirts. Or mayhaps not.

Should you like a trip down memory lane:
The second post.
The third post.
The fourth post.
And I'll leave it up to you to find the confessional post. I once again state that it was all totally worth it.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Iraqi Journalist Misunderestimates American Style of Footsie-Journalism

That title is more of a stretch than my last work out. Lemme try some others on you. Have you heard the one about the Iraqi Journalist? His shoes were made for throwing. Ouch, that pains me. How about this: "Attempted Iraqi Advertising Pitch Goes Wide." Or maybe, "Bush Ducks Shoes Better Than Blame."

Forget it.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Freezing Temps

You know what sucks? The pandemic of hiring freezes in this city. Temp agencies seem to be having a good time, though none of them like me either.

Fucking retail. I fucking hate working retail, but find myself filling out applications at every store I pass anyway. Fuck all the fucking fuckers that fucked us all.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Bad ideas, I've had a few...

Um, probably less said the better. In fact, maybe I'll just not continue with this post. Anyone else ever had an idea so bad you don't even want to admit to it?

Totally Tarantula Tuesday: The Beat-uls

This one time, in San Francisco, I almost got into a fight with some tiny hipster and his girlfriend because I said that Elvis was better and more influential than The Beatles. I was mostly talking out of my ass because he had just said that The Beatles were the most influential band of all time. I even quoted the commercial for those compilation albums that had just been released: "Before anyone did anything, Elvis did everything." Or whatever.

So the anglophile just kept making all these arguments and talking about albums and release dates, and I just sat there saying, "Nope, no, Elvis was better" and he grew furious. His girlfriend then tried to get into the action. I think the point at which the conversation went from funny to asshole was when I said, "Dude, if The Beatles were so amazing, why does your girlfriend have to step in to help you lose an argument?" The hipster got rather upset at this point. Someone said that it looked like a fight was brewing and I said that was crazy, what kind of idiot ruins a party with a fight. Especially when I out weigh the kid by 100 pounds? Again, calling the guy a kid probably didn't help the matter, but he was about a foot shorter than me and I had thought the whole exchange was rather hilarious because who gets angry in a conversation about The Beatles and Elvis? Anyway.

Gin. That's my excuse, even if I was drinking vodka that night. This was also a party at which I claimed to be an ornithology grad student, in SF on vacation from my longitudinal study of the mating habits and life cycle of the red-wing blackbird. I had to come up with some excuse as to why I was being asked about binoculars by the host. I had met her at a Niners game, and during the boring parts of the game, I had been checking out the Gold Rush Girls, or as I called them at the time, The Golddiggers. Once again, I'm gonna plead gin.

This post brought to you by gin, the letter Y, and My Stupid Life.

WoW! Not Really

I canceled my World of Warcraft account again. This time it shall remain inactive for a minimum of three months, as I have better things to do with my time than hang out with people I fin annoying on-line. That's not fair, there were a handful of people in my guild that I would go drinking with, but the rest reminded me too much of the people in my old sci-fi club in college that annoyed the fucking piss out of me. The game had become a source of un-fun and so I stopped paying for it.

And now is the part where you won't understand unless you have played the game:

In October and November, I was able to get a few things accomplished in the game though. I earned five titles and brought my mount total to 52. My two favorites were the Cenarion Expedition Hippogryph and the albino drake. To do this, I bought all the Alliance faction mounts, since I'd been exalted with all of them for a while. I then bought all the Sha'tari Skyguard nether rays. I did all the work to get the Netherwing dragon mounts and Kurenai riding goats and didn't use them. I also had one of the yellow riding bugs from Ahn'Qiraj. When I got the Kurenai mounts, I hit 50. I was also able to get the Reins of the Dark War Talbuk, and I used those in Northrend and Azeroth. This took me about one month of game time effort and whoopdedoo. Once my friends stopped playing, the game really lost all interest for me. It was fun for a while but now, it's not.

Anyway, you can check all this crap out here.

Monday, December 08, 2008

Wallowing

Why is wallowing a negatively associated verb? Pigs are happy when they wallow. They roll around in mud and leaves and sticks and shit and it's all very good for the pig. They're happy. The bugs can't get at them and the mud keeps them cool in the summer. When they un-wallow, the mud dries and flakes off and is probably great for their skin.

So why do we call it wallowing when a person hides out in their apartment all day? I wish I was so lucky as to be rolling around in some healthy mud. Instead, I'm doing laundry and looking for work.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

There's a Difference

There's a difference between me and a close friend: he has yet to date a woman good enough for him, and I have yet to be a good enough man for the women I've dated.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Monday Morning Music: 12/2/08

Let's see if WMP can redeem itself after the depressing song selections of my last random music post.

1. Elvis - She's Not You
2. Johnny Cash - I Still Miss Someone

By Chewbacca's wooly ass, what the hell happened to the random function on my music player? Did it get stuck on "Fucking Depressing Shit," or is the univerese trying to speak to me through my computer? At least the universe has good taste in music, but I am trying to maintain a brave face and this shit isn't helping.

Thanksgiving 2008

My thanksgiving was going well until my brother turned on the news and we saw the reports of the horrific shit happening in Mumbai. I have been trying to write something but only get as far as the wailing and gnashing of teeth at the ridiculously stupid people in the world who think that senseless violence will help their cause.

I still don't have anything decent written, so I'll post a video instead:

Monday, November 24, 2008

The Turkey Video and Me

By now, I'm sure most of you have seen the video of Sarah Palin being interviewed in front of Joe the Turkey Killer and read better jokes than I can write about the subject. I saw the video when it was played on The Rachel Maddow Show which was on the large, flatscreen television at the pho place where my family had dinner on Friday night. The television was muted, which I found oddly appropriate for Palin, and I was one of the unlucky three who were sitting facing the television. Having now seen the unsensored version of the video, I have to admit surprise that anything was fuzzed out at all, but then I am rather badly red-green colorblind. The video reminded me of a family story from our days in Romania.

This story takes place in the year before the Iron Curtain* fell, as we were driving home to Bucharest from a road trip through Yugoslavia. We had had a flat tire on the way out from Bucharest, so our spare was already in use when we ran over a nail or two** about ten minutes from the border with Romania with only hours left on our visas. We managed to limp across the border, during which I took the opportunity to admire the scenery while secretly trying to locate the Iron Curtain. We were now about 500 kilometers from Bucharest with two flat tires and three good ones. Paranoid security forces could show up at any time, and the people in the nearest town might be too afraid to help us out, regardless of hard currency or not.

Since it was getting late and we weren't going any further that day, Mom and Dad decide to camp out in the recently reaped field near the side of the road after asking permission from the farmer. As we set up our tents, our emotions were mixed. I was ecstatic about missing school the next day. My mother was worried about feeding us, since she had planned on a ten day trip which was stretching to 11 or more. My father was likely angry and bordering on furious. My younger brother was probably oblivious. My older brothers were feeling devious, taking every opportunity to tease us about being traded for a new tire. As we lay down for the night, we all felt extreme discomfort because the five-inch plant stalks didn't exactly crush easily beneath us. The sensation was akin to sleeping on a bed of nails with a nail density of one nail to one foot. I have had worse nights, but while they also involve claim jumping in camp sites, they are from a different era of my life.

The next morning we asked around the little farming town for some guy who might be able to help us with the leaky tire. The helpful gentlemen of this nameless town would react pretty much the same way to my father's requests for information: "VULKANAZARIA!?" and then they would relate some version of "I don't know anyone, but my brother/uncle/cousin/friend does know someone." We set off limping down the road, searching for a "VULKANAZARIA?!" In the end, we found some guy who was unable to fix the tire, but who thought we might be able to stick an inner tube inside our tire. That just might work. But first he had to find a tube without a whole in it, so we went to his buddy's house who had a large enough basin to submerge the semi-inflated tube and check for bubbles.

The scene at the buddy's house was interesting. A bizarre conversation was taking place my father conversing with a couple Romanians in a couple of different languages as my older brothers stood by, trying to look mature and knowlegable, and my mother watched me and my brother play with the variety of animals in the courtyard of the lovely, little farm house. There were kittens and maybe a puppy. There were also chickens in a coop, but those were rather less interesting because they were fenced in and I can't recall any chicks. So we played with the kittens, and tried not to be terribly bored as the tire issue dragged through the day.

When the grandmother of the house walked out of the kitchen door with a hatchet in her hand, the chickens suddenly became the focus of the afternoon. The grandmother was wearing a dark scarf and the hatchet was in her right hand. She walked over to the coop and at this point my mother said, "OH! Hey children! Uh, look down the well, I saw something move down in the well." My younger brother ran over and began looking down the well, as did I. As I looked down into wet darkness, I realized that there was absolutely no way my mother could have seen anything at the bottom because the weel was deep and she had been standing at least ten feet away. The chicken coop door creaked. I turned to ask her a question and she said, "There it is, I see it!" She pointed down the well again, and I didn't want to be the only one to miss the well creature, so I looked. The chickens began a mighty squawking. Seeing nothing, I turned my head again, but this time my mother grabbed my head and pointed it down the well and told me to look harder. The hatchet made a thunking sound twice and the squawking stopped. There was nothing down that damn well but water. My mother said, "Oh, maybe I just thought I saw something that wasn't there, or maybe you missed it." There was some blood on the stump by the coop.

We never did that tire fixed in that town. We ended up inflating the tire with a cigarette-lighter-powered-air pump and then racing as fast as we could for a mile or two, then my brother would jump out and inflate the tire again. I think this went on for close to six hours before we got home.

* KLANG! But seriously, ask me sometime about my young mind's unknowledge of metaphor and my subsequent education. I was a very confused boy, but my igneous parents even more so.

** Exact number uncertain. I remember at least two and one of my brothers claims there was only one.

Monday Morning Music: 11/24/08

1. John Bustine - The Wreck of the Good Ship Lollipop
2. Johnny Cash - Before My Time
3. Rose - I Fill Up the Time
4. The Police - Can't Stand Losing You

OK, I have to end this here. Apparently, Windows Media Player has decided that I need to feel shitty about some relationship. Or maybe WMP just broke up with Quicktime or Real Player and feels bad. Seriously, four songs about break ups? Fuck.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Breaking News: People Are Sorta Dumb

This morning I received a message from my alma mater saying that they would be eliminating 10% of their workforce at the end of the year due to the immense financial crisis/depression/recession/whathaveyou. Most of the jobs cut would be through retiring personnel, so that is good, I guess. The disturbing thing was that people freaked out about getting the email, and not the content. It was sent to a list containing every email address the school had for alumni. When the first person replied in sympathy, she generated a shit storm of morons replying to the message in exaperation about getting two emails. This continued for 21 more messages.

I found this whole situation hilarious. College graduates comfortable with Crackberries and iPhones are freaking out right now, trying to tell everyone to stop cluttering their email inboxes. Yet these same people can't figure out from the email info that the message came from a list and that they are sending their messages to a list and not to any one person in particular. Two people replied with words other than "STOP HITTING REPLY!! OMG!!!!!!!" and "GET ME OFF THIS LIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

These two replies explained how to stop the emails and one also said that they were glad that the alumni had maintained their sense of humor. I couldn't exactly let the day go by without tossing a little gasoline on a fire...

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Cooking With The Genius: Pumpkin Soup

I looked up a recipe for this, and figured that I would have plenty to fudge after securing my pumpkins. Full pumpkins have three reasons why they are better than canned pumpkins: pies, soups, and seeds. Baked pumpkin seeds are great. So I schlepped to my local and bought:

2 pumpkins
3 water filters
1 gallon of skim milk

I needed the filters because my old one was no longer working and the milk for breakfast, however the pumpkins were a little harder to find. Turns out the store was sold out, so I got "pumpkins," and by "pumpkins" I mean two packs of Oreos on sale.

Maybe I'll share my recipe for pumpkin soup, if I can get some pumpkins. For now, "Pumpkin" Soup consists of Oreos dipped in coffee and garnished with sadness.

Sunday, November 09, 2008

Hookers and Blow: A Weekend in AG's World

The titles says it all. I need to get some tylenol for my arthritic hip. Some people play rough.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Not a Good Listener?

If you never mention something and never even hint at it then how can you call someone a bad listener for not knowing that about you? This is an even more ricockulous claim when the trait you are promoting and deriding me for not knowing is exactly the opposite of all of your stated claims and past examples of behavior. Maybe you're just self-conscious and need to have more confidence.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Slightly Ludicrous

And I don't mean that it will sorta-pimp your ride. For that matter, why don't we all vote in every country's elections, because we are all neighbors? I do understand why people would fear a McCain presidency, bombs are much more likely to be flung willy-nilly with him. I mean willy-nilly in every sense of that term, McCain seems like the kind of guy who would bomb someone who questioned his willyness.

Big Day Ahead

I have a big day ahead of me: an interview, take a bike ride, pay my rent. And there was something else that I wanted to do, but I just can't remember it. I know I can leave my mp3 player at home, since I have all of the Fallout 3 songs playing on infinite repeat in my head. If I didn't like Ella Fitzgerald-ish music, I would be going mad. MAD I TELL YOU MAD

I don't think I have it in me to play an evil character though. What's the point, when the DC Wasteland has so many already? It would be harder but the satisfaction of taking on the entire slaver enclave of Paradise Falls would be absent. I went freaking caveman on those assholes. They thought they could stop me from rescuing their captives. It's kinda sad, really. I talked my way into the camp, did the research, talked to the captives, and tried to figure out the finesse way to sneak them out of there. I couldn't figure it out, though I know it has to do with the patrol pattern. After watching for about 30 seconds, I just said, "Fuck finesse, they're SLAVERS. They don't deserve mercy." So I whipped out my minigun and rickrolled those bastards toward their final judgement. The criticals involving explosive separation of body parts are EXTREMELY SATISFYING. You can watch some examples on that link.

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Fallout Blackout

I may have overindulged.

I have been a little busy lately. I have an interview next week. I have been helping a friend move. I have been ranting about the bus line in my neighborhood again. I have somehow been exhausting myself so that every time I wake up, I feel like going back to sleep.

Anyway, I am trying to write something about the latest flare of violence in Goma, DROC, but most of what I have written so far turns into a hopeless diatribe. Also, I owe some music posts to the internets for WRN. Which has always sounded like a goofy radio network. We should work on some podcasts, due to come out with the return of Monday Goldberg Theater.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Surprised Clif Hasn't Caught "Googely Eye" Bachmann on This Already



I know, I know. It's a CNN video and they don't seem to play very well when embedded(maybe that's just me), but the amazing level of crazy on display is worth it. I don't know whether I am glad that I don't live in Minnesota's 6th Congressional District because that would mean being neighbors with the dupes who voted her in, or if I wish I did live there so I could vote against her. On the one hand she can constantly cast votes supporting a radical right-wing agenda, but on the other she's not roaming around town preaching on street corners and scaring children with those googely eyes.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Obfuscations

I have played a lot of games in my life. As a child the games were more pedestrian in nature, involving the simple purchase and sale of properties and moving your piece around the game world, contained completely within the bounds of the playing board, with the goal of comaplete and total financial ruin of your brothers and cousins. I have played games strangely based on expressions of rage-inducing empathy during the play, particularly at moments when you had just screwed your opponent-brother out of any chance of winning. I have even played a game loosely based on a mutual experience of strategy and skill, but invariably devolved into a game of how many fake rules I could coerce my opponent-brother into obeying. We played card games, the rules of which are equally as impossible to remember now as then. Many relatives lost all hope of playing a friendly game of anything with such a diabolically cunning mastermind, or so I saw myself when manipulating rules to suit my hand. Go fish! became an all out struggle for supremacy, the opening moves full of subterfuge and bluster while the endgame was strikingly more physical.

As I grew older the games became slightly more unusual as did the rules sets. Games involving legions of monsters marching around a strange hexagonal universe were enjoyed as much as games wherein the pursuit of success was secondary to hampering all chance of success by your fellow players. The supplied rules sets became far more complex and the simple lies and coercions of the past were insufficient to secure a victory, as even I was utterly flummoxed at times by the inherent systems of this era's games. I learned to become one who would take the time to learn all of the rules and then pursue aggressive means of enforcing penalties upon my brother-opponent. When questioned, I always offered to let my opponents read the rulebooks, but when the rules set truly approaches book length, most will simply give in rather then settle down with a cup of tea and an afghan and peruse an arcane tome for clues as to why my legions could move against a box tile, but his could not. It had something to do with native lands. I learned that masterful cheating must always seem reasonable, and yet still leave your opponent completely hosed.

Given my rather flagrant history and flamboyant imagination, you might think that I developed a habit of crafting intricate new interpretations of rules all working to a singular goal: total domination of my brother-opponents. Sadly, the elder brother-opponents had many more years of experience in game-rule manipulation and younger brother-opponent quickly developed and interesting defense: apathy.

I began to move to games that had no measurable means of success and even more rules. Rules that required multiple books, with actual spines. I found myself reading more and more, learning combinations of rules that could work to my advantage and yet still be completely within the legal realms. There were many such games and many such days spent attempting to redefine victory not against some loathsome creature sent forth from the bowels of imagination but victory against the very imagination itself. I collected playing aids in the form of multitudes of dice, in the hopes that certain dice would gain me certain advantages in play. I became superstitious about color, shade, and warmth of my dice. If I could not successfully manipulate the rules to my advantage, then I would manipulate my playing to my advantage. All the while having no appreciable idea of the goal of these desires.

I played an uncounted variety of sword and sorcery games, and even more uncounted versions of these games. I played Western games, involving playing cards and dice. I played science fiction games, the more deadly to my character, the more I enjoyed them. I learned one constant among all the games I played: more books means more rules. Eventually, the human mind would reach a storage limit and carefully compartmentalized rules sets would become jumbled and slowly mingle in the mind of the players. Rules would meet over drinks, share a dew laughs, stumble drunkenly to a room in the hotel upstairs, and then awkwardly run out a few hours later, only to discover the following month that a new rule was growing inside. A rule that made rather a lot of sense when you think about it, I wonder why we hadn't been doing that before. It was in these spaces that I learned to allow my fellow players to breed rules, as they were far less likely to find fault with me if they had written the new rule. Could I really be blamed for buying the new handbook? After all, it was their idea to read it. I gradually moved away from manipulating rules to wholesale manipulation of people.

Despite this rather...miscreant behavior of mine, I like to think that I only wanted to have fun. To that end, I knew that there were some games that should be avoided at all costs. Some games had rules sets from which there was no recovery. fulsome once tried to interpret set of rules from a venerable institution that were an attempt to simulate a realistic system of combat against popular, fictional aliens. The designers had forgotten two things: nobody cares much about realism when the creatures you are shooting at explode acid, and that a mind is a terrible thing to lay waste. fulsome currently resides in a lovely, double-width refrigerator box in Berkeley, California.

Monday's Penny Arcade inspired this post.

Holiday Bake-Off: Confection Confessions

Yeah, um, so...

I ate most of my cookies, as did Super Secret Awesomegirl and my family.

What can I say? I HAVE NO SELF CONTROL.

This time, I might actually send them out, or I might just talk mighty amounts of trash. AGAIN.

In any event, my cookies will rock your face and melt your mind.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Disdain

League of Democracies? What the hell is wrong with the UN? Oh, right, Republican'ts think the UN is only obstructing America's interests abroad. What a jackass.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

My Internet is Out Again

I have an appointment with another Comcast techician tomorrow, but in the meantime I offer two pearls of wit and wisdom: don't get Comcast, and really don't get Comcast.

Father Genius said that it is nice to see American exports rising, even if it is only financial woes. In case you were wondering where I get it.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Binge Blogging: One Question About Bailout

Why did they eliminate Mark to Market? As far as I understand, by changing this accounting requirement the Emergency Economic Stabilization Act basically ensures far less transparency in banking system. This seems like a bad idea. I am not an economic genius, having only taken one basic course in microeconomics, and would gladly appreciate serious comments and opinions.

Given the sarcastic bastards that consist of 95% of my readership, I doubt we'll see anything useful show up in the comments. My blogging name is freaking Chuckles after all.

Possibly Better Than Tina Fey

Why I Missed the SPX

Cuz I was freaking exhausted after working with Habitat For Humanity in NE DC. I put asphalt shingling up for one whole day and I am glad that I am not a roofer. I would have liked to have met John Campbell because his comics are great.

I will probably be doing another Saturday in November, but the really cool thing is that the Habitat project is kinda booked up with volunteers on the weekends. I doubt the same is true about the weekdays, but this genius needs to get some employment.

Totally Tarantula Tuesday: Trying To Avoid Terror and Trembling With Rage

A little tarantula humor on this Tuesday morning, full of dread, woe, and WTF*. A lot of people have asked me about my tarantula. They ask me questions like can you cuddle it? Does it show you love? Do you feel any sympathy? Are you sure you're not psychotic? What sex is it? To answer all of these questions, I have to respond with, who needs love?

Except the sex question. I don't know or particularly care what sex, or gender!, my cohabitating arachnid is. Knowing the sex of my roommate would not change my behavior toward it. If it is male, I would go out and buy it spider porn and give it some quiet time. If it is female, I am not going to give it 60% of the crickets I had been giving it.

We got an understanding. We respect privacy.

*I want more information and to thank mdhatter.

Friday, October 03, 2008

What's the Difference Between a Pitbull and a Hockey Mom?

Hockey moms lose debates.

And what is with Gwen Ifill's moderating? She let Palin wander wildly off topic three or four times: (examples not entirely accurate but you get the picture)

Governor Palin, what's your position on gay marriage?
"HOLY SHIT BARACK OBAMA WILL RAISE TAXES!"

Governor Palin, what's your position on the economic situation today?
"HOLY SHIT BARACK OBAMA WILL RAISE TAXES!"

Governor Palin, people claim that you have been sucking on the teat of big oil, how do you repsond?
"HOLY SHIT BARACK OBAMA WILL RAISE TAXES!"

Governor Palin, Alaska is one of the biggest recipients of federal aid, how do ou respond to that?
"HOLY SHIT BARACK OBAMA WILL RAISE TAXES!"

When you choose to answer the question you want to answer, not the one asked as Governor Palin did last night, you are not showing leadership and tenacity, you are dodging the issue. She didn't show anything other than her ability to sink back on tired, old Republican't bullshit when cornered. The NPR analysis after the debate was pretty toothless, unless they were being sarcastic.

When the expectations of your performance are simply that you show up and look pretty, things have downhill. The Vice Presidency requires more. Well done, Joe Biden. I was not a fan of you, but now will be.

I had a video I was going to include in this post, but it was removed from YouTube. Oh well.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Two Reasons to Attend Wet Wednesday Writer's Workshop Featuring The Genius

"I'm not saying it's in a bad neighborhood, but the glass will stop a 7.62 round from three feet."

"I don't know if I love her, but we're watching Project Runway together."

Monday, September 29, 2008

Strolling in the Gloaming

We've been having hurricane affect weather in the District this weekend. This put a bit of a crimp in my plans to help my church's annual yard sale, but we forged ahead and did well enough in spite of some deity's decision to drench us in a downpour.

After spending both Saturday and Sunday in various stages of damp exhaustion, I finally made it home around 6 pm on Sunday. The sun was poking out between some rather impressively threatening clouds which were stalled in the precipitation negotiations, and I could see mist rising out of the trees near the river. I decided to take a brief jog to a favorite vista that is hidden by the crowding foliage along the bluffs above the Potomac River. I didn't mind the drops, the burrs, or the mud. As I reached the gap in the trees, I saw a lovely cascade of pastel colors, most of which I remain unable to identify. The clouds were a mix of dark grey and pink, the sky faded from blue to afternoon yellow. The tops of the clouds shined bright gold, and the mist oozed up from the river gorge enviously.

Tonight, I took a walk to clear my head and curl my hair in another foggy evening. I walked down to Canal Road, and the world might as well have ended at the river bank. Walking back up the bluff, the mist over the reservoir was banded. A dark lower layer brooded over the floating mats of gooseshit, and flocks of gooseshitting geese. There was an oddly light swath of fog above the dark that caught my interest. Perhaps it was an artifact of the streetlights and stoplights behind me but the fog seemed to have a dim inner glow from about twenty feet to thirty feet in the air. Alien exhaust fumes, or just some pedestrian reflection of the white-green glow of the streetlights. Above this, a few stars glinted through the thin clouds expressing absolute apathy to me, my job search, my love search, or John McCain's plans to ruin America.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

The Candidates Debate...Something

I surprised myself by watching about 95% of the debate last night.* I was a little disappointed by the whole spectacle. I thought that it felt more like two people actually getting into it, unlike previous debates, but there really was no clear winner. Depending on your favoured candidate, I think either party could really call this a win and I am sure I am not alone in hoping that it had been a more deliberate thrashing.

I have become rather intolerant of McCain's voice, however, so that is one unexpected outcome of the debate. Most of his speech's have been rather dull or stumbling, and he has spoken in an even tone, despite tripping over his words at a biker rally or sounding bored while attempting to describe the common person's woes.** When McCain was speaking last night, he sounded whiny, but that may just be my bias against people that want to screw me over and continue the failed policies of our current Moron-in-Chief.

I was starting to get really frustrated with Obama until he began hammering back at McCain, somewhere around twenty minutes or so into the debate. I was hoping he would pound McCain's "experience" in foreign policy a little more, and was very pleased when Obama flat out said that McCain had been wrong about Iraq,*** in every way possible. I hoped that Obama would fight back against this bullshit claim that we are "winning" in Iraq, when we have heard no definition of what "winning" means or when we hope to achieve that, much less how we hope to reach that.

On a separate note, I was also disappointed to hear that the Vice Presidential Candidates would only be having one debate. I would like to give Biden a chance to prove that he isn't as much of a chundernozzle as I think he is so far. I would also love to watch Palin lose.****

*About the same percentage that McCain has voted with George W. Bush. That's some maverick.

**Where's my heiress? If only I could follow the McCain Economic Recovery Plan.

***Uh...remember these? Google was probably the most effective way to search for them.

****How do you not know what the Bush Doctrine is? What the hell have you been doing for the last eight years? Watching the news with the sound off, too?

Friday, September 26, 2008

From the People That Brought You Indy 4

A prequel to I Am Legend? Why the hell would you...for a bunch of people that so completely missed the point of that story, I...lord help me, I give up. I just give up.

Exhausted

I have been busy as hell all week. I am helping to get my church's yard sale ready for this Saturday. It might rain, but it might not. We're going ahead with it no matter the rain or lack of it.

I also went out to see an Air Guitar competition on Tuesday night after class, more on that later tonight with pictures. And met some friends on Wednesday night to listen to a DJ do a funky set at Saint Ex. I have been networking my ass off everywhere I go.

My father sent me a link to a video of Richard Trumka, Secretary-Treasurer of the AFL-CIO, giving a speech about racism and the election from July. I like it, so I hope you will, too:



Incidentally, this is also the weekend for Baltimore Comic Con, and for the fifth year in a row, I have given my time to my family's church instead of going to meet some of my favorite web cartoonists. I'm broke anyway.

Monday, September 22, 2008

About as Good an Explanation as We are Likely to Get

The recent economic troubles/disaster/shitstorm/totalfuckingidioticlunacy in song. And in color.

And WTF? Is Yahoo running a nostalgia special on the news from 1950 through 1989? That quote from Putin that keeps showing up in Call of Duty 4 about "...those who fear the Soviet Union are right, and those who miss it are insane..." (paraphrased) apparently was an admission of insanity on his part. If this keeps up, I expect to be informed that I have to go back to grade school in Romania and have my Tiger electronic game stolen by the Secret Police again.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Not Much of a List Fan

You know how some people do those lists of shit? Like top five desert island albums, or top five desert island books, or top five desert island hot babes? I am not usually one to make a list but 13 tops them all.

I knew a bad thing would happen if I let myself watch House.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Not The Peeps You Were Looking For



Apparently, this video cruised the tubes a while back but I missed it. The destruction is rather sublime. The expressions on the bunnies rather quickly turns from happiness to abject horror and the experience can tingle the creepy parts of your mind.

I found this on Aurgasm.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

The Battle is Enjoined!

The Corn Refiner's Association has struck back against those fighting the forces of over-sweetening and accidental obesity. They have commissioned at least one commercial and an informational website. According to the commercials, high fructose corn syrup comes from corn, is all natural, and is just as bad/good as sugar and honey. Let's break these claims down individually.

"High Fructose Corn Syrup Comes From Corn"

Yes, indeed corn syrup does come from corn. However, this is almost like saying that meth is clean because it is made with bleach. While I don't put either meth or high fructose corn syrup in my body, if I had to choose I would choose the corn syrup over meth any day. Parents of small children may disagree with any distinction between the two.

"All Natural"

According to the website, HFCS is...
considered a natural food ingredient under the U.S. Food and Drug Administration's definition of the term “natural.” Under FDA rules, “natural” means that “nothing artificial or synthetic (including all color additives regardless of source) has been included in, or has been added to, a food that would not normally be expected to be in the food.”

By this definition, gasoline is natural, too. That must be why we don't need factories to make the stuff, or to make HFCS. I wonder if you can get organic HFCS.

"Nutritionally the Same as Sugar or Honey"

The chart on each page reinforces this claim. The ads claim that as long as HFCS is used "in moderation" HFCS is just as healthy as any other sugar. This may actually be true, I am willing to concede this point. Let me be clear: I admit that HFCS is just as good or bad for you as any other refined sugar and honey. Except for the teeny, tiny problem of actually trying to use this stuff in moderation. HFCS is in freaking everything: like apple sauces, almost all non-diet soda and fruit drinks, coffee flavor syrups, beef, yo momma, etc.
According to the USDA, high fructose corn syrup accounts for roughly 41% of all caloric (nutritive) sweeteners consumed in the U.S.
True, but corn sweeteners--including HFCS, glucose, and dextrose--account for over 50% of all sweeteners shipped in the US, according to that table the website mentioned. (You have to open a spreadsheet from the USDA to find Table 49.) The funny thing about the honey claim is that we aren't consuming nearly as much honey as we do HFCS. Only 148,000 tons of honey was shipped in 2007. Almost 11,000,000 tons of corn syrup was shipped in 2007. I guess this must be what the Corn Refiner's Association calls moderation.

I was suspicious of the claim that only 40.1 pounds of HFCS were consumed per year, per capita. The chart is clear about this, despite my completely anecdotal suspicion. We purchase about 50 pounds of the stuff per year per capita, but let an estimated 20% go to waste (uneaten or spoiled or etc), according to Table 52. This means that we are wasting 20% of our soda purchases every year. I have a friend whose mother will open a soda and drink a few swallows and then put it back in the fridge and twenty minutes later, she will open a new one and repeat the process because "she just wants a little drink, not a whole one." This boggles my mind and fills her fridge with 30 or 40 half empty sodas a week, which all go stale before anyone else gets thirsty. These are also diet so they don't count, therefore everyone everywhere drinks every drop of soda and eats every pound of HFCS they purchase. 20% seems kinda high to me, but I am not an expert working for the USDA. I have wasted corn starch plenty of times making some non-Newtonian fluids and those are always cool, so maybe 20% isn't so high...except corn starch isn't corn syrup.

One regular soda a day is horrifically bad for you. Diet sodas aren't so great, either, with all that salt.

Despite all this blathering on about HFCS, I have only one reason for disliking HFCS beyond the health reason: it tastes terrible. Sodas and fruit drinks with made with cane sugar taste more refreshing to me. Cane sugar straight off the cane is soooo much better than corn syrup straight from the jar, especially when you go to the Latino grocery store and buy it in a bunch and then chew it like tabacco and sit around the pool. If you can get past the woody texture to the sheer buzz and flavor of the sap, cane sugar is brilliant.

Next week in wild, quasi-scientific rambling: if men are often red/green colorblind, are rare women blue/yellow colorblind? I once convinced an ex-girlfriend's father that this was the case, despite having never heard of it and having done no research whatsoever. I just wanted to convince a well-respected lawyer that a total fabrication was the truth.

Blog Delays

I am having trouble typing because I keep hurting myself while playing Guitar Hero. Fuck you, it's fun. Except for the pain.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Do Not Blog About It

This is me not blogging about something about which I don't know anything: Raven is wearing a funny t-shirt that probably doesn't refer to something about which I know nothing at all.

I Got a Job Offer!

In addition to numerous job offers to SELL INSURANCE FROM YOUR HOME AND EARN THOUSANDS EACH WEEK!!!, I received this job offer that sure looks like a nice opportunity to become a Nigerian scam spammer:

Greetings! Our company is registred in the Careerbuilder company. We have reviewed your resume and are eager to inform you that we are ready to offer you a vacant position

If you are intrested in getting the job in our company please reply this email.

We looked through your skills and became sure that you correspond to our requirements.

Job scheme will comprise the following:
1. You receive payments from our customers (By checks, Money orders e.t.c)
2. Than you fill forms with details of received payments in your Internet Office
3. Transfer money to our main office by requested methods.

Your earning will be 8 % of the amount of each completed payment please answer this message with your –°ontact Infomation and Attach your Resume to e-mail.

Additionally we are going to effect you $1500 as your salary at the end of each month.

This job will allow you to:
- Get financial independence working only 3-5 hours per day;
- Get additional free time;
- Efficiently work at home;

General requirements:
- Willingness to take the responsibility to set up and achieve goals;
- Ability to create good administrative reporting;
- Prior customer service experience is a good benefit;
- Internet and e-mail skills; Experience in online work;

In addition we will be able to offer you $ 2500 as a monthly payment after completion of the trial period.

In case you are interested in the position, please register at our web site and get there futher instructions.

IF YOU WISH TO JOIN OUR TEAM PLEASE REPLY THIS EMAIL.


There are a few red flags in this message, let's see if I spot them all. First, numerous misspellings. Second, ALL I WOULD HAVE TO DO IS SIT AROUND COLLECTING MONEY AND SENDING IT ON FOR A CUT!? SWEET! Schyeah, right. Third, the company name is not listed at all. Fourth, it came from a gmail account.

Friday, September 05, 2008

Synergy in Mind and Webcomics

In college, I was a...scattered individual. Since becoming a more focused, or perhaps coherent is the proper word,* I have either lost the desire or need to attend late night visitations to the wildebeest carcass, or gained the ability to find dead wildebeest wherever I roam and regardless of the hour. Since I am on my second pot of coffee, I doubt that even regular "readers" understand what I mean when I talk about wildebeest, but any regular "viewer" of Animal Planet will understand. Clearly, I am talking about eating pancakes at four in the morning simply because you want some maple syrup, or you have perhaps more sinister motives.

In the days shortly after leaving the hallowed halls of learning, I longed for a return to the clarity of pancakes consumed in the hours between dusk and dawn. I sought out fey circles and other shrines to the gods, followed other strung-out seekers in a communal quest for late-night, grease-induced visions. Despite all attempts to reach that odd plane of mental and physical union of process that was once achieved with ease, I remained lost and listless. I could not regain my impetus for inquiry. I drifted thus, hungry and syrup-deprived. I wandered the country. Penniless and desperate, I eventually made my way back to the Manor and suffered the tender ministrations of my parents until I could stand and walk once more.

I was grateful for their help but anxious to be moving again. A lifetime of travel has left me unfit for settlement for periods longer than one or two seasonal cycles of our lonely planet. I moved on, and took residence in an underground hovel. It was there that I began to suffer the full withdrawal from my former habits. During the agonizing hours of the night, the cravings for sweet syrup and fluffy griddle cakes pounded through my being and shook me to the core. I lay awash in pain. As the months ground slowly on, I found that I could sense that missing clarity floating just out of reach, just behind the next door, on the edge of memory. In a still, cool, fall night, I finally grasped that strange and wonderful process of mind while strolling the empty sidewalks. There was no hunger within, no maple syrup on my chin to guide my vision. There was only the solitude of a city sleeping while I and perhaps others walked the barren alleys and avenues. Since then, I have been able to summon this inspiration when desired, and I am better for it, though I doubt the world would agree.

There are many other reasons for visiting the IHOP or profane IHOP-equivalent at such an early, or late, hour. Perhaps you have an allergy to the food offered by your institution. Perhaps you are an insomniac. Perhaps you have a term paper due and need some coffee and carbs. Perhaps you really appreciate Mrs. Butterworth in a way your friends would never understand, should they find out. Perhaps you have a wager about the number of teeth the waitress has. Perhaps you feel a need to have every menu item once in a semester, due to some bizarre form of gastric OCD. Perhaps you have even stranger, eldritch reasons for visiting an Interdimensional House of Pancakes.

I might have said too much. I can feel the influence of weird energies on my mind, and I think I may have given the beast too much food yesterday evening. The crickets do not sing, for the hungry, hairy beast hunts in the dark. Be wary.

* Condensed? Concentrated? Distilled? Aliquoted?**
** Now that there is a truly old inside joke.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Move Over Pam Atlas, Sarah Palin VLogs the Campaign



Hilarious.

I am not really one of those seriouspants bloggers, nor am I really funny, but I know what I like and I like these videos. Sarah Palin also has her own website here.

Another Day, Another Pile of Shit Falls on a Republican't Somewhere

I have been fired for far less than the shit that has been falling squarely on the shoulders of my ideological opponents. You can read more about these incidents, uh, pretty much anywhere. I'll be busy looking for a new job.

In the meantime, what the fuck was Lindsey Graham doing advertising on FDL? I wish had been able to grab a screen cap of that.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

The Genius Versus The Atlantic Ocean: 0-1

In a press release dated September 1, The Genius alleges that the Atlantic Ocean did knowingly, and with intent to cause grievous bodily harm, assault The Genius over the course of two days. Suffering from blunt force trauma to the skull, a hyperextended knee joint, and a twisted foot, The Genius claimed, "Those fucking waves are being way too fucking rough. I'm gonna go sit in the sun and ache."

The Genius is alleging that on two occasions within ten minutes, the Atlantic Ocean and its partner, The Wind, created surf conditions that initially appeared to be fun and not at all dangerous but caused inflicted serious pain and injury to the person of The Genius. Furthermore, The Genius alleges that the harm was deliberate due to the apparent lack of injuries sustained by "all the other fucking people and all the damn kids" on the beach in the general vicinity of The Genius during these heinous attacks on his person.

In an interview on the morning of September 2, The Genius stated, "I'm fucking sore and this is really gonna screw up my basketball and bicycling schedule. Fuck that whole ocean with a rusty pinecone."

The Genius is seeking compensation for pain and suffering in the amount of 1,000,000,000 dollars, plus medical expenses and legal fees, or 100 years of unclaimed sunken pirate treasure, aka booty, from the Atlantic Ocean.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Lessons From My Father: Number X+2 or 3 or 438

During every election cycle that I pay attention to, I remember the 1988 elections. I remember watching the Democratic National Convention during sweltering heat in an A-frame house in Wisconsin while my brothers had fun outside because I thought we were required by law to watch these things.

I remember wondering who the shit are all these old men and why isn't Jesse Jackson speaking more? Jesse Jackson was the only person I had heard of before that night.

I remember wondering, how does the rest of the country survive through this interminable extravaganza? Damn it was boring, but I was worried I would get arrested if I didn't watch it.

I also remember my father's briefcase. He had a soft-sided, tan briefcase that he carried to work in Bucharest. I went looking through it once, because I was hoping to find nuclear materials or Romanian state secrets or something cool like James Bond in that briefcase. Instead, I found a bumper sticker stuck to the unpocketed-side of the briefcase. That bumper sticker read, "Lick Bush." I remember thinking this was rather underwhelming. Being the age at which American children read a lot of old-timey but timeless novels like Tom Sawyer, I thought nothing of this sticker although I did wonder why it was on the inside of the briefcase. I had learned that summer that Republicans exist and are the problem and support George HW Bush, so I figured that maybe they wouldn't like my father's proud admission that he would make Bush say, "uncle" or something.

When I was voting for the first time, I remembered this bumper sticker and laughed out lout while I was standing in the booth. Two little old ladies shuffled over and asked if I was ok. Just proud of my dad, that's all.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Randomly Posted Random Songs

Here's a taste of the music playing while I search for a new job and write my novel:

Aimee Mann - Thirty One Today
These United States - Burn This Bridge
Billy Idol - Untitled track from Cyberpunk
Johnny Cash - I Still Miss Someone (from At Folsom Prison)
Empire of the Sun - Walking on a Dream (downloaded from Fluxblog)
Jonathan Coulton - Re: Your Brains
Lejeune - Kubasaki Ha'i
Thievery Corporation - Indra

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Fantasies Involving Pregnancies

Okay, I could have phrased that title better.

I know a lot of women right now who are pregnant, or are recently un-pregnant and pushing around little, mewling wads of balogna in strollers. Not one of these women has ever gone full-Rambo and taken out a room full of ninjas, however. That would be pretty frigging sweet, even if I had to fend off the rival ninja gang as well.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Permits, Tests, and Lessons Learned

So I am teaching my brother how to drive. He has taken driver's ed classes, and is now working through the 60 hours of supervised driving required by the state of Maryland. I understand my father a little better than I did before this experience. Jebus Monte Crisco, I think I have lost a few years off my life. So far the best part has been:

Me: "Just turn right here."
Brother: "It says Do Not Enter."
Me: "Ah fuck it, just go, what are the chances a cop is around?"
Brother: "I don't wanna break the law."
Me: "Just fucking go already."
Cop: "Why did you just drive through that Do Not Enter sign?"
Brother, smiling a shit eating grin: "I'm sorry, I made a mistake, I'm just trying to pick up my wife and I wasn't sure which way was for the buses and which for the cars."
Me: "It was my fault, I gave him bad directions. I don't drive and walk everywhere, so I didn't even notice that was a Do Not Enter sign."
Cop: "Well, you just make sure you obey the signs in the future."
Brother's Wife: "What is going on?"

hee

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Heaping Loads

So, I think I am being audited.

Fuck.

Shouldn't be too hard, since I don't have any money. And never have had any money. The IRS probably just wants to tell me that I shouldn't have filed late for the years that I filed, but they owed me money in those years anyway. There are days, and then there are days.

UPDATE: Turns out they want more money for self employment taxes and fees for 2005. HAHA! The jokes on them! I'm broke, bitches! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

DC: Now With More Bullshit Statistics

Somewhere, I heard that the DC population is getting close to 60% female. This seems about right given my daily experiences. There is an alleged correlation that DC should have more single women. Lemme just tell you all this right now: that's a crock of shit.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

College Revival Comics

I am not a guy to get stressed out about much of anything, and this is also a contributing factor to much of my current situation. However, much of one of my previous situations, when I was in college, could be explained by this picture for sad children. This joke is so much more inside than anything 3Bulls can come up with, I doubt even fulsome gets the joke to which I am referring.

For those of you that don't know, it wasn't that funny a joke anyway. The comic is way funnier than the joke, it just has an added reference layer for me and maybe two or three people out there.

Do you gmail-using-people ever have that moment where you are typing in a name in the "To" box and a name comes up and you have no fucking clue who that name's person is? I have somewhere around three thousand names in my contact list apparently and I think I know maybe ten of them. Every time I write an email without slapping the reply button, I find names in my so-called contact list that belong to no one I can remember. Apparently, I chatted with them maybe? I bet they were on that ultimate frisbee team I tried last summer (what a disaster, no one plays for fun, it's all about the win and fuck that shit). Or maybe they are friends of other people that have mass emailed me and know they have spread to my contact list like some sort of gmail STD? That is a lot ruder than I mean to be to these probably nice people (or email addresses), but the metaphor is apt, like if I send you an email, you are know in correspondence with everyone I've ever emailed. Hope you have virus protection, because my gmail account gets around, lemme tell you.

Friday, August 15, 2008

New Source of the Funnies

While apparently volunteering my time, I found The Cincinnati Dealer.

So, So Wrong

Yeah, I am not even allowed to discuss Diebold voting machines with my brother. I can already fell the bile rising and the anger bubbling. I need to distract myself.

Oh! Hey, there's a release date for Warhammer: Age of Reckoning: September 18th. OOOH! And there's also pictures for sad children.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

That Thing Where You Do That Thing?

Do you ever do that thing where you laugh or hurt quickly while reading something and look up suddenly wanting to share the moment with someone who you totally know will appreciate it but then you realize that you can't share that with them because you did something that totally changed the nature of your relationship and you are not allowed to share things like this with them anymore?

Yeah, A Softer World does that to me on a regular basis, but none so much as this one.

Now I feel kinda bummed out.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Other Other Hobbies

So I will finally be binge-blogging all of my various new musical experiences over at Well Rounded Nerds. It should be interesting. To at least one of you. It may even draw dontEATnachos out from seclusion, but it is unlikely to draw even a pageview from fulsome.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Other Hobbies

Apparently, I've been confusing the cry of a red-tailed hawk with the cry of a blue jay. Whoops.

Hobbies And Wikipedia

I was strolling around Wikipedia* and looked up some information on one of my hobbies. I was looking at a page and then wondered what the discussion page looked like. People sure do get snippy over a crappy army that my titan would roll over in two turns.

Pictures of the painting process of that titan are coming soon. If I care about something, that means you care about it, too. That is how this whole bloggio thing works, people.

*STROLLING, not trolling. I never mess around with pages because I just don't have enough tolerance to deal with the people that seem to care about their little corner of the wikiwebtubenet.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

New Target Acquired

I must have one of these morsels of hot awesomeness before the year is dead:


A quick search of the interwebs turned up this Yelp page, unfortunately Chowhound did not contain any pertinent information. I would have spent more time there, but I am overcome with a craving for bacon-wrapped meat articles. Also, I am still experiencing a Baltimore high from an awesome crab cake sandwich, of which I only got two bites and lust for more. Sadly, Henninger's is closed on Sundays and Mondays but damn that was a good crab cake at Jimmy's.

Friday, August 08, 2008

Morally Objectionable

President Bush should probably just quit while he is way behind and phone in the rest of the year. We should be so lucky. Instead, Bush has decided to reinvent health care to include a doctor's right to refuse to perform any action deemed "morally objectionable." There goes that oath. Let's all play a game in the comments (pretty much guaranteeing that AG will ignore this), wherein we all describe horrible situations where doctors refuse treatment because they determine that the treatment is "morally objectionable."

I'll start: a bitter ER resident decides that he won't treat a crack addict's pneumonia because the resident decides it would be morally objectionable to let the addict live.

I am sure that we can all invent some scenarios that are less extreme and yet generate as much anger.

Monday, August 04, 2008

BBC Needs Some Proofreaders

This is exactly why you have proofreaders:

The Death Zone

Expedition organisers only learned of the avalanche after a group of climbers arrived back at the mountain's base camp on Saturday evening.

The mountaineers included Koreans, Pakistanis, Nepalis, Dutchman and Italians, reports say, but exact details remain unclear.

They at an altitude known as the Death Zone, where oxygen levels are not high enough to sustain life.


I keep writing all these really awful jokes here, but eleven people died doing something I will never attempt and I am trying to reconnect with the human race, so I keep deleting the jokes. The view must be amazing, and all the more so for the struggle.

CNBC Claims Oil Prices Plunge!

While watching some news this morning, I saw a moment of stupidity on CNBC. This is a perfect example of one of the problems of mass media. The ticker on the bottom of the screen starts with "OIL PRICES PLUNGE!" and you have some talking heads saying some crap about Iran backing down, campaign rhetoric, and the record high of $157 (this may not be correct) per barrel of crude oil. I wondered how low the price had plunged, expected it to be below $100 per barrel due to the use of "plunge." Thirty seconds later, the ticker says "OIL BRIEFLY DIPS BELOW $120/BARREL."

That doesn't really seem like a plunge, but it is close to one-fifth of the price of a barrel at the height, providing I heard that one guy correctly. However, that price is still double what people were calling an expensive barrel of oil a year ago. Remember when people were predicting total financial collapse if the cost of oil hit $80/barrel? Fucking crap, you newsies never learn. You should all read this book.

Sunday, August 03, 2008

Newspaper Websites: You're Doing it Wrong, Washingtonpost.com

To: Washington Post
Attention: Web Editor and General Management
Re: www.washingtonpost.com

Your website sucks. It sucks almost as much as the guy I saw last night on Clara Barton Parkway driving a fucking Firebird with a bumper sticker that read "Back Off My Nutz" and with a pair of the plastic testicles hanging from his bumper. You might wonder why The Genius has laid a claim of suckage upon thine internet personage, and I'll tell you: your require some bullshit login for every damn article.

When I click on the link for this story about the hippo losing his home, I want to read the article and not see some useless fucking login. I would not mind logging in to peruse your archives, but I am sick and tired of having to log in to view the content of every podunk website out there.

It's also a frikking jumble. I am a web savvy genius and I find it hard to locate information that I want on your website. You need to clean that shit up. You have only three columns, which is good, but when I think I have reached the bottom of the page, the "Diversions" scroll bar, I haven't. There is a ton of content below that bar, but I was fooled and you can bet others are. Clean it up. Kitchen sinks should be left in the kitchen.

You're a national newspaper. Report national news and do it well. Leave the local news to the various Gazettes around town.

On a final note, your movie critics are terribad. Hire me instead, I can guarantee that I will at least watch the entire movie and won't write from the perspective of a balding, jilted journalism major.

Saturday, August 02, 2008

Better Said By Others

There are some times when it is best to let other people speak for you. In a foreign country, when complementing you, or when dealing with the police. Every now and then, I find something that sums up a lot of my feelings about a subject that maybe I hadn't even been thinking about or maybe just hadn't been able to elucidate verbally, but this Fart Party comic pretty much sums up the way I feel about DC: it sorta sucks a whole lot and then I stumble upon a brief moment that reminds me of all the reasons I live here.

I went to a show last night and had a good time. I converted $37.65 worth of nickels and dimes into a cab ride (STUPID ERRATIC METROBUSES!), a new CD, and the entrance fee to Stella Schindler's CD release show at the Velvet Lounge.

In an announcement that is news to no one, I am really behind in some album reviews. I will have to get those done this weekend since I was called out by dontEATnachos a few weeks/months ago.

Friday, August 01, 2008

Current Homework Projects

I have to design a series of art pieces for a hat store for the class in design and layout that I am taking at the USDA.* Apparently the computer lab is open on Saturdays, which is nice because I don't have hundreds of dollars to slap down for Adobe's Creative Suite 3. I just might spend all day in the lab tomorrow working on my project but also working on some movie posters in the style of the Master, Myers87.

I could have done a tattoo parlor or body piercing shop and may still choose that because my hat store ideas are pretty lame. Well, so are my tattoo and piercing lounge ideas. Some day, I hope to be able to match the brilliance of dontEATnachos:


* Yes. I am actually taking a class at the United States Department of Agriculture. They have a graduate school.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Fort Reno Again Tonight

Cuz, fuck you, it's free. Should providence keep the rain away, I will see Kid Congo Powers, The Shirks, and Girl Loves Distortion.

I couldn't locate a website for The Shirks. I am somewhat surprised by this.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

This Totally Tarantula Tuesday Brought To You By My Unconcious Mind

This post probably brings an altogether and impressive layer to phoning it in, but since I am not mo-blogging this, we'll just call it all even. Some of the most brilliant posts on 3Bulls aren't even written, they are dreamed. They aren't even written by the whoever-knows-how-many-contributors to 3Bulls. This is of course totally appropriate for their oeuvre and possibly even their under. I hereby present to you five posts straight from the horse's apple AKA my dream state:
Hugo Weaving, Bruce Lee and Hope Chest
Jeff Kober and James Gandolfini
Indira Gandhi and Paul Rudd
Stephen Colbert and Helob
The Best Cast of Law and Order and my friend E

US Air Guitar Finals Tickets On Sale

Don't be a cobnugget and miss out. The US Air Guitar Championships are in San Francisco at the Grand Ballroom. Get over your stupid "I'm too cool for air guitar even though I totally do it" attitude and buy tickets, chundernozzle. Take pictures, maybe even movies. Make me horribly jealous.

If you don't, I'll just resort to arching you, on the internet and possibly in real life. I may not have moppets, but I do have henchpersons. Even if I'm no longer allowed to call them henchmen due to the conditions of my parole and certain court rulings.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Things I've Missed

So...I've been away from the blogs and the general interweb for a long time. I've been wallowing in the fictional worlds of warcraft and warcraftier and neither are healthy places for the unemployed and those prone to extended pity parties. I've also been playing Supreme Commander in case anyone cares. Of course you don't, forget I said anything.

Anywho...

I just heard about Dr. Horrible and his sing along and normally I hate musicals but I'll give this one a chance. I may have to download iTunes finally. I have avoided this for the same reason I avoid facebook and myspace and all those other sites: everything requires a separate damn password and login and wants all sorts of information about The Genius and his life. I don't mind people knowing about my life or whatever parts of my life that I choose to reveal on my blog, but keeping track of all the damn logins I have all created all over this system of tubes is a pain in the ass. Also, I don't have any damn money and I would just be tempted to spend notmoney on songs that I probably won't be able to find on iTunes anyway. Although, I did hear that The Moderate has some songs on iTunes "which just screams legitimacy" in the words of Jim Dempsey.

I have also begun enjoying The Guild, (FOR WHICH I MEANT TO THANK MDHATTER!!!) which I know sounds a lot like a heroin addict talking about how much he loves a twelve step program and methadone. Don't bother trying to click that link, their bandwidth has been obliterated by a link from Penny Arcade and it will probably be a week before that site is up again.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Bob Novak is an Asshole

Bob Novak claims that he didn't have any idea that he had hit an elderly man in a crosswalk when he was finally pulled over by a bike messenger. That's a load of horseshit. Every car I have ever hit with something while I was in a crosswalk and the driver failed to yield has reacted with surprise or anger. One cobag stopped his car in the middle of the intersection and yelled at me that I had better not ever touch his car again. I told him that he better yield to pedestrians in the future or he was going to kill someone.

Given this clearly empirical evidence, Bob Novak is a lying asshole cobag. Which we all knew a long time ago for his role in the Valerie Plame affair but I digress.

Thanks for the tip, Super Secret Awesomegirl!

Monday, July 21, 2008

The Celebration Schedule

Why have a birthday party when you can have a week long series of events in your honor?

Monday night - Fort Reno with Pup Tent, North of Canada, and RaRa Rasputin.
Tuesday night - Iota with The Moderate, Brandon Butler, and The Wax Standard.
Wednesday night- Class with Our Instructor and Adobe Creative Suite 3. I will probably play Guitar Hero until my arms cramp after class.
Thursday night - Fort Reno with Statehood, Imperial China, and Tsarina. (What's with all the commies this week? It's like a tribute to my childhood!)
Friday night - Guitar Hero and libations at Le Maison du Smartass.

If you can't make it to these events, I expect epic gifts in the mail. If you don't know my mailing address, just guess. Someone will end up happy.

In yet another public calling out, I have found three bands that have been around for a while that fulsome would probably like, if he weren't married to his job and his cable television:
Death By Sexy (don't judge a band by their goofy name)
Screen Vinyl Image (kim k. even kinda looks like fulsomegirl, too)
The Apes (Although I am not sure about vouching for a band that doesn't have a guitar, given my predilection for air guitar and guitar hero)

Friday, July 18, 2008

The Dark Knight

It's been a busy week. I have been productive but Friday is shaping up to be rather unproductive. I don't know how I'll be able to function tomorrow. Too many late nights for The Genius. I just saw The Dark Knight and I can only say this:

DO NOT WAIT FOR THE DVD RELEASE.

More artful discussion after I wake up.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Somebody is a Cancer

Happy birthday, dudeguy. He's a quality guy, even if he does eat the occasional corpse after sexing it up.

And if he doesn't get that reference, I am going to look mighty strange.

Friday, July 11, 2008

The Push

My tendons flex and ache, the muscles retort painfully to my insistent ministrations. The letter and conversation ring loudly in my lobes, bouncing around my skull. I trot down the narrow trail and concentrate on my footing while I attempt to force the distracting thoughts from my conscious mind. Breaking out into the dim light of the wider path, I run as fast as I can through the tall weeds and thorny bushes. My feet catch on vines and I nearly stumble. I push forward, faster.

There is no breeze. There are no birds. There are no bugs. There are no planes crashing through the sky. The highway noises are muted. There is only the letter and conversation, shaking for attention, while my mind calms and my body pushes faster. The only wind I feel is an ephemeral zephyr created solely by my strange desire for more speed.

The letter was pleasant and polite. A material response to my hopes at last. Despite the crushing disappointment it carried, the letter was a response, which is an improvement. I run on.

I measure my time by the distance between telephone poles. I pass the third pole and keep running. The fourth and fifth pass before I notice. I stop at the sixth and walk for the seventh. My parents' voices rise above the pounding of my heart and the intake of breath. They worry, this is only natural. They will always worry. I will always give them reason to worry. The tide of our relationship is controlled by a cycle of security and uncertainty that I feel powerless to change. Security seems too close to comfort, and comfort is far too near settlement for me to enjoy. Uncertainty brings adversity and chaos, inspiration. I run until there is only the overgrown trail, the encroaching darkness, and me.

Microsoft and Zone Alarm and Comcast

So Microsoft's recent malicious software removal tool (or whatever) is a piece of crap and won't work with Zone Alarm's firewall. I haven't been able to do anything since Tuesday because I was unable to get on to the internet to check it out and the library's connection is slow enough to drive any sane person mad.

I have been visiting with visiting friends. That was less stressful than I thought it might be. Anyway, I'm back again and will be finishing some excellent posts.

Monday, July 07, 2008

Fireworks and Me

Good Idea: Playing with BB guns, .22 rifles, and 12 gauge shotguns before drinking anything with alcohol.

Bad Idea: Playing with explosives after drinking alcohol.

Result: I think I lost some hair and I have a few burns on my hands, but I still have all of my fingers and toes. I also have some strange bruises, and an odd welt in my hairline.

It was a hell of a party.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

How Dare They?

Wall-E…supposes that the human race of the future will become a flabby mass of peabrained idiots who are literally too fat to walk.

Shouldn't we be so successful that all Americans can be fat and lazy now? Aren't we the best nation in the history of the universe, ever in all creation, for all time? How dare Pixar and Disney suggest that Americans are anything but fat, lazy, and all consuming!

In all seriousness, while I may have my own struggles with the ease of over-caloricating and the general lack of effort needed to live in the US, I don't agree that we are a lazy people. Shit, most people are lucky to get a full ten days of paid vacation a year and goddamn blessed if they are actually able to take those vacation days. This is not a great indicator of an lazy workforce, but ask yourself how many nights you have worked late and put in tons of overtime for your office without any direct compensation for that effort.

Or maybe that is just me and my bosses.

Staples of small-town conservative life such as the small farm, the “atomic family,” and old-fashioned and wholesome entertainment like “Hello, Dolly” are looked upon by the suddenly awakened humans as beautiful and desirable.

As an editor, I take issue with the use of scary air quotes. The quotation marks around atomic family are entirely unnecessary. The marks around "Hello, Dolly" are appropriate but whether that film is wholesome is another matter. After all, don't those gheys like show tunes? Are "Wall-E" and Patrick Ford promoting the insidious homosexual agenda?

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

You Want My SAT and ACT Scores?

Huh?

This is the first time in at least five years that any employer has asked for those scores. I am no longer certain of my ACT score, except that I remember doing considerably better on that test than on the SAT. I am pretty sure I got a 1210 on the SAT and I think I got a 31 on the ACT. Or maybe a 29? That was...thirteen years ago. Or twelve.

In any event, what the hell is the point of asking for a potential employee's SAT or ACT scores when you require a BS or BA? You are not hiring any high school graduates, so how would tests from at least four years prior, and much education prior, help an employer determine whether you are worth interviewing? GRE or LSAT scores I could see being a very interesting number, but high school scores seem so pointless.

Another Odd One

I had a dream in which an ex-girlfriend and I were solving crimes. I was mute and she had to interpret my gestures and various frowning expressions to the audience of assorted officers of the peace. At one point, we ran through a subway tunnel. I may have shot at a suspect. Thinking about it, this dream is rather allegorical for our relationship. Except for the subway tunnel and the shooting.

Maybe that represents my pursuit of love and the self destructive nature of my heart? The tunnel could represent my fumbling approach to emotions and the shooting would then symbolize my ill-advised manner in which I attempt to emotionally involve myself in my relationships.

Or I could have been thinking about the X-Files movie trailer I saw before Wanted, which I saw with my ex-girlfriend. Don't even get me started about the cobags who brought a child younger than 4 to that movie, or the other cobags who let them bring the child into the theater. Fuck it, next time I wait for the damn DVD. The movie sucked, too. The scene my companion found most amusing was ripped off of Equilibrium.* I kinda feel bad for Timur Bekmambetov because there were a lot of great touches in the movie but there were some aspects that were just plain dumb. A fraternity of assassins named The Fraternity. Really? Was The Order too close to that movie about witchcraft titled The Order? Also, a fraternity with Angelina Jolie isn't exactly a fraternity. I guess frarority still sounds fucking dumb. Why not go with The Weavers? or The Fate Guys? or the Curving Bullet People Who Also Sometimes Go All Matrix And Jump From Tall Building to Tall Building Despite Their Being No Indication or Support of This in The Context of The Movie?

Ok, I have to admit that just about every action scene was frigging cool, kinda the way Ultraviolet wanted to be, but the suspension of disbelief was ruined by some of the goofiness of everything. The director does have a singular sense of humor that really brought a shine to some parts (the "I Quit" scene) but also took away from other parts (Morgan Freeman saying "fuck" or "motherfucker" is not enough).

Anyway, it should do well enough to avoid turning the director into a pariah, which is nice because I really liked Night Watch and Day Watch.

* I don't really mind that it was ripped off, I just want to sound cool by pointing it out.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Frustrations with the Lack of Loss

I have been sticking to my exercise routine and have recently upped the duration and exertion in each session, but I am still frustrated with the lack of progress on my problem areas. My problem areas being every part of my body except my forehead, forearms, hands, and feet. I don't really need to lose any weight in any of those areas. I am seeing some funky veins and stuff on my forearms, but my gut and thighs still belong to a McDonald's Lifetime Eatcheivement Award winner. This is very disappointing.

I have heard that you lose weight from the extremities inward, but could we get with the program, belly? Perhaps the Pork Snorkels of the Past are to blame but I think the blame lies solely with my easy willingness to play World of Warcraft for twelve hours at a time. Or Supreme Commander. Or Call of Duty 4. Or Fallout 3, when that releases. Or Warhammer: Age of Reckoning, whenever that hits the streets (estimates place it at early 2012).

So I have altered my diet a little and continue working out. What else am I going to do besides look for a job? Porn gets pretty old, or so I'm told, and that isn't much of an exercise.