Saturday, December 08, 2007

From Hell's Heart, I Bake At Thee

PUUUUUUNNKKKOOOOOO!



Ahem.

Tonight, I bake-a da cookies. You like-a da cookies? I include a picture of some of the ingredients I used:


You will notice the slimy tentacles of my master creeping over and around the flour and sugar. I can not prevent the invasion of His Great and Grotesquely Alien Dimension from seeping into my kitchen. My mixing bowl summons forth the Shoggoth and Mi-Go like moths to the bright candle flame of my Master's terrible glory. MY soul is lost and yours soon will be.

Here you can see the shapeless mass, approaching horrific sentience:


I can barely contain it with three spoons. Thankfully, I have been granted a third tentacular appendage with which to stir my Master's newest assault on sanity. This caustic mixture consumed and annihilated my assistant's mixer. The motor could not long operate within a greater universe that includes a hexadecimal dimension of time and space and imploded, singeing my assistant greatly. It would not be the last wound suffered in the service of my Master.

I am not sure what this is, but it has no place in this contest:

Or does it?

Blue Girl, what is best in baking? I'll tell you: To roll your dough, see it spread before you, and hear the lamentations of the icing.


Some claim to be able to see Jesus in a corn chip or a tortilla, I see secret messages in the icing on my cookies:




What does it mean? The world may never know. My unknown and unknowable Master commanded that I prepare suitable vessels for His terrible confections:


Helob gives her/his/bird/spider's usual opinion: Needs More Crickets.



I predict the esteemed Judges of the Hallowed Holiday Bake-Off will react thusly:

22 comments:

blue girl said...

Laugh.

Out.

Loud!!!!!!

Adorable Girlfriend said...

No smack talk against Team Chicago?!!

OMG.

I mentioned Chuckels was baking to Asian Symbol and his lovely wife last night. And assured them if Chuckles baked with Helob -- AG is not eating any of thoe cookies!

Jennifer, let's give him at least 10 points for making Pinko eat it!

Pinko said...

Chuckles is amazing. Cookies must be eaten to be judged, or else the judges are disqualified.

Jennifer said...

AG- 10 points it is.

I'm still laughing... RIP Nibbles. I shouldn't laugh, but I am.

Gross gratuitous spider shot, Chuckles! 10 points deducted! As for Helob needing more crickets... we've had a cricket explosion in Ponce's tank. It's writhing with crickets and more just hatched. I wish I could give you some.

Chuckles said...

I think Helob would eat Ponce if there were some sort of enclosed competition. Some sort of contested bout within their respective habitats; a territorial terrarium testiness or perhaps a cage match, if you will.

Jennifer said...

Of course she would eat Ponce. She's a big, gnarly spider! And there will be NO cage match, thank you!!!

I'm serious though, I wish we could give you some crickets. I'm now trying to find a way to get at least 50-70 superfluous crickets removed from her tank. I keep tossing in food for them to keep them away from her, but they're only growing. I'm wondering if the edge cleaner attachment on the vacuum would work...

Adorable Girlfriend said...

Pinko love, you are not able to establish rules for the bake-off.

almostinfamous said...

i like what you've done with the gravity in that photo.

your master... is there anyway to make some sort of theoretical deal with the devil with him/her/monstrosity from the great depths?

Von said...

Looks um, interesting....Can you send some this way? Still, you aren't going to win. I doubt you even place....

Adorable Girlfriend said...

Von, he'll win something. What? Well who the heck knows, but it cannot be worse than poor TLB's crumbs last year.

Brando said...

Chuckles has captured the essence of a cut-up ransom note in cookie form. Well done, sir.

Kathleen said...

there is just way to much talk about spiders and bugs and shit on a supposedly cookie-themed blog post!!!

fish said...

Thankfully, I have been granted a third tentacular appendage

Does this mean Chuckles stirred the cookie dough with his wang?

DO NOT WANT!!1!!

Chuckles said...

fish, keep your hands out of my pants.

And off my dough.

Chuckles said...

I was aiming for a real Unabomber cookie post with blatant references to the Myth Cycles of The King in Yellow and my own brand of tarantual-infused inanity.

Snag said...

You call those cookies? Where are the antlers?

Kathleen said...

Does this mean Chuckles stirred the cookie dough with his wang?

dear god, just when I thought it couldn't get worse.

The Uncanny Canadian said...

Of course it gets worse, Kathleen. Guess what he used his balls to do?????

Adorable Girlfriend said...

UC, that is gross.

Don't be a piglet.

Jennifer said...

UC is talking about Chuckles' balls and over at RoD, he's talking about AG's Chanukah bush. UC's mind is spending the holidays in the gutter.

Brando said...

Of course it gets worse, Kathleen. Guess what he used his balls to do?????

I am so jealous I didn't make that comment.

Chuckles said...

Brando, I am also jealous and I may just do what was implied even though I am not really sure what was implied.