Here are a few of my rules:
1. Let them be sandwiches. Plan your sandwiches according to your schedule. Nobody wants a grilled ham and cheese sandwich on Tuesday, those are reserved for Thursdays.
2. You won't be able to change sandwiches without going to the store again.
3. Trust in the sandwich. (Don't be stupid though. If the meat is fuzzy, dump it. There's always more sandwiches. Always. More. Sandwiches.)
4. Let them be clubs. (BLTs are not the only sandwich style for bacon. Do NOT make the bacon feel guilty about this. Ever. evar?)
5. Let a man go out for sandwiches. (If he is going out excessively, well, then, maybe he needs a better selection of deli meat in the fridge but if it's only once a week, so what?)
6. Lose the drama. (Sandwiches hate drama. You are only hurting yourself here. Basically, don't say stupid, mean shit just to get a reaction out of the muenster. Grow the fuck up.)
7. When they first walk in the door, don't talk so much. Sandwiches like quiet. Just let them sort of acclimatize for a few minutes. They'll be ready once they settle down. Just give them time. (And if they never smell good remember they'll never be good even with frying and dump them. Because there are always more sandwiches.)
8. If you are out at the grill and you see a cute sandwich looking at you, don't break eye contact until it does. See what it does next. It can tell you much, like if it has an overpowering mustard that drowns out the subtle flavors of the smoked gouda.
9. Finally, don't be afraid to be firm with it. If the cheese isn't quality, dump it. There are always more sandwiches.
10. Never, ever put ketchup on a sandwich. Not even catsup. This abomination of the wonderful tomato plant destroys flavor.
11. Meatloaf may scream for ketchup, but that is because meatloaf is typically insane due to its mélange nature. Pour a judicious amount of hot sauce on there along with a smooth, creamy cheese and the meatloaf will settle down.
12. Never overwhelm a sandwich with hot sauce. See rule 11.
13. Mayonnaise is for pussies. See rule 10.
14. If you are dating someone who asks for a sandwich, receive explicit verbal creative permission before proceeding to locate all necessary items. Never listen to their requests for toppings because if they are dating you, they are likely to be incurably insane and should not be trusted.
24 comments:
Is #10 a menstruation crack? Or is this post literal?
Dude, have I ever made a menstruation crack?
Oh, wait, yes I have...but no that isn't a menstruation crack. It is a direct assault on the Ketchup Advisory Board's position of ketchup propagation! They shall be overcome!
Ketchup is the flavor of the gods, but yes, you are right that it doesn't really belong on sandwiches.
Mayonnaise never belongs.
How come you put these posts here and WRN gets bizarro poetry?
Also, I want more tarantula photos.
Kthx
You have fucking lost your mind!
Lost? Found? What is the difference exactly?
Chuckie, don't make us play the music and start handing out your meds.
P.S teh, I hate the new picture. It's not working for me, love.
Yeah, VBen's mug has a way of making snatches shrivel up and die.
Sorry, luv, but it'll be a while before I change it, so learn how to cope with the new dryness and puckering.
damn. that's some obsessive sandwich blogging. i never cared for sandwiches, since they usually seem to be filled with crap that passes for lettuce, red things that are called tomatoes and some rubbery tissue that i'm supposed to think is cheese.
being a vegetarian is hard in the US of Meat.
PS: looks like teh has a crush on VBen.
I think the picture is funny, in that high school yearbook way. I don't care who the schmuck is, it looks funny as it is. If he also happens to blog about how Harry Potter is clearly a conservative, well that's just cake. But not CAKE, cuz they suck. As I stated earlier.
teh, you're lucky I am so in love with your not on my team cute rear end! However, the VBen needs to go when you get a moment.
FUlsome is gonna get popped in the mouth if he disses mayo again
PINk!?!
Mayo is awful. It is the white death that ruins all of the sandwich goodness from the land of two fisted feasting!
Mayo is the creeping death in the darkness.
I like how Pinko comes over here and threatens violence. Like he cannot wage war on his own site. Probably over here "protecting UC" and seeing who AG is flirting with now. Another great liberal Ph.D. This fucking "academics".
Of course Pinko loves the white creme. We'll call that comment exhibit 203.3E in AG's case against PP.
This = These.
AARGGH!
Sure, baby, just DTMFA and move over to the real genius.
I win 33% of all prizes. Or is it 31.8%?
I never win prizes. I hate that!
Nobody gets my references.
Chuckles- part of your syndrome is you don't like mayo. What the fuck is wrong with you?
Not that I care. I consider myself a fan now. IT took awhile, but Chuckles is quality now that he feels confrotable in his own skin. Maybe we'll all get there eventually.
Hmm, is that hidden info about Pinko's gayness, or AG's MASSIVE MULTIDIMENSIONAL COMPLEX?
We'll never know.
I thought you were limping that wrist a bit with the hug bug. But then, some people just like hugs.
I do have a complex: a military industrial one of hot boys and Take-5 bars. Now back off Pinko, you bitch. You cannot have my oil platform of fear and lust.
P.S. The hot boys aren't that into you. So get over your massive complex and UC. None of them are going your way or Lenny K's.
Besides limping wrist, where else did he put his hand while hugging you in the "boy-on-boy, hug fest 2006"?
I wasn't there for the hug fest.
That's probably for the best.
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