Saturday, January 14, 2006

Bloodrayne: The Musical starring Gene Hackman

dontEATnachos and I saw Bloodrayne last night. If I were the type of person who used one word to describe movies, then that word would be: hypertension.

If you thought the Kill Bill movies were bad because of all the blood, well then you'll love Bloodrayne. Every single cut and clash on anyone but the, ahem, heroine produces voluminous amounts of pressurized blood. Pretty much every peon had at least 3 gallons spray from them for even the smallest slash. These people were fountaining blood, probably close to ten feet. It was pretty silly. Doubly so because you got plenty of opportunity to see this happen. I guess Uwe Boll is not a fan of the old standby, "if they're not important characters, they die offscreen or in the background."

This brings me to the fighting and swords. I finally figured out, during the training quasi-montage, what bugs me about some old television shows and this movie. Swords. If they look like crap, you have lost. The swords looked like they had been cut from slabs of sheetmetal. They were blatantly thick and notched. I guess the notching means that someone, somewhere used them for fighting and perhaps even training. You can't really tell from watching the movie. It seemed more like the actors were given their swords and then given a bunch of Sinbad and Zena episodes and told to watch them and then imitate and improvise for the fight scenes. "Don't worry, we'll pack the extras with so much blood that as soon as you graze one of them, it'll look like you just attacked a blood bank." Not a single one of the swords looked even remotely cool. They looked like the swords I used to make in my garage with old fence slats and silver spray paint. This just enhanced the overall silliness of the fight scenes.

As I said above, the fight scenes looked like someone had given the actors a cursory introduction to previous movies with sword fights and then said, "You're actors, go act like your fighting." Everything was slow and odd-looking. In the climactic fight scene it looks like Uwe removed a few frames to speed it up but then forgot to actually speed up the film to make up for the missing frames. The result, instead of looking cool, looks like a live movie on a dial up connection, just skipping around. Stick your sword in the a-yer and wave like ya just don't ka-yer!

If you are a fan of movies and theater, or even just acting in general, then you will have little to watch in this movie. Michael Madsen doesn't so much phone it in as he does fulfill the basic requirements of his job description so he can get the cash and walk. Meat Loaf seems to be playing Hedonism Bot from Futurama and looks ridiculous, his entire scene was completely unnecessary. Billy Zane. Enough said. Ben Kingsley, well, everyone likes money. What can really be said about Udo Kier and Michael Pare that hasn't been said already? Kristianna Loken and Will Sanderson(he plays a nemesis-type) seem to be the only people who weren't clued in to the fact that no one else cared enough to actually work in this movie. They actually try to emote and be their characters. In any other movie, she would probably look like a block of wood, but in this movie she deserves an Oscar, comparatively. Will Sanderson looked a bit like he knew that somebody, somewhere might see him and release him from eternal bondage to Uwe Boll. This is his fourth movie with Boll and his fifth comes out in the winter(the Dungeon Siege movie). The odd thing is that it is his fourth Boll movie and he still gives it his all. Lastly, but most definitely not least, Michelle Rodriguez. The accent comes and goes as does your desire to see her in another movie ever. After seeing her in Lost, Resident Evil and this movie, I figured out what I don't like about her. Everything.

A moment of your time for a discussion of wigs. It is my belief that the actors all got together and had a wig meeting. Those that were wearing them for the movie all seemed to have them cocked at an angle that can only be described as jaunty. Billy Zane's (what purpose did he really serve?) wig was the worst. Although Meat Loaf and one the main characters were both pretty bad. Ben Kingsley is the only one who didn't get the memo or wasn't in on the joke, I guess, because his wig is straight and looks ok, for a wig.

In general, the more of a stink fest a movie is, the more I like it. I can't wait for the director's cut of Doom for chrissakes. There are a variety of ways to make a crappy movie. You can have a crappy movie like The Sword and the Sorceror or even the worst American movie ever, which I proudly own. You can even have a crappy movie like Pulp Fiction or Alexander. These people all tried to make the movie of their dreams. Uwe Boll, however, seems to be making the movies of a film freak's nightmares. They are so perfectly awful, I hope they never close that loophole. This is far more creative than having a hut in the Caribbean. I want these movies to get more and more expensive and have the largest cast of A-listers ever. I want Uwe Boll to issue a statement on his deathbed detailing how he just didn't care, but a man's gotta work. Uwe Boll is laying it all out there for us. He doesn't care about anything other than money. He is the only honest, producer/director related to Hollywood. Everybody else can try to claim they want to make cinema but then this movie comes out. Or this. Or this stinker. In summary, Uwe Boll has cut right to the heart of what's wrong with Hollywood and set up a studio.

PS This is blogger's spell checker suggestion for Bloorayne: Bladdernut. How is Bladdernut in the dictionary?

UPDATE: I know this is really late, but it is very important. This is the Onion's review of Bloodrayne. Although, I bet only my bro, dandrobium, and dontEATnachos will care.

35 comments:

ass2006 said...

Hi, a nice blog you have here. You will surely get an bookmark :) Forum

Adorable Girlfriend said...

I think I saw Michelle Malkin on that blog. She's the one underneath Barbara Bush.

Lindsey said...

And this movie has Gene Hackman in it?

Chuckles said...

No, Bloodrayne does not have Gene Hackman in it. The title is a rip on the rising trend in the postmodern death of creativity. Taking movies and turning them into musicals. Sometimes they even get further remade into a movie. I guess it was a little out there for a joke.

Anonymous said...

Chuckles,

How am I suppose to write you love letters if you don't post an email address? Sheesh.

Here is a blog I thought you'd like. See if you can get kicked off this one.

http://hectorvex.blogspot.com/

Canuck

Chuckles said...

That is a little disturbing.

Chuckles said...

I took a different tack with that bunch of cobags.

Adorable Girlfriend said...

He is a sick MoFo! This is the reason America is where it is. Guys like this. He is yet another reason why thin and fat women should keep abortion legal: to stop the threat of more like him! Thank you Cookie Jesus for abortion!

Oh and he wishes he could get ANY woman! Let alone a "fat" one!

Hector Vex said...

What? I LIKE fat chicks. After I'm done with them, I just toss them in the swirling vortex. Plus, fat chicks will pretty much do anything you want cause they're so lucky to be getting anything at all! - Paranoia

Anonymous said...

Adorable, i will pray for your soul.

Soon we will get back our states rights to vote on laws, like abortion, and the voice of the majority will finely be heard instead of the voice of the minority.

Canuck

Chuckles said...

I was going to ask how many chicks he had porked in the last few hours.

Hector Vex said...

None. I'm working. Geez. What do you think I am? A machine?

Chuckles, I linked your blog.

AG - what the HELL is Cookie Jesus?

Anonymous said...

Hector, what AG doesn't understand, in all her infinite wisdom, is that women like your mother don't kill babies.

Liberals will abort themselves out of extinction.

Canuck

Chuckles said...

Well, canuck has gone completely bye-bye in her assumptions about liberals.

Anonymous said...

How so, Chuckles?

Chuckles said...

Well, for one thing, sustaining our population as a nation only requires any family to have one child these days. Immigration, a proud tradition of the US, will balance the difference. Furthermore, the earth is already at a critical population of humans. If we pack more people into the same amount of space, disease becomes a major concern. This is the reason that people are freaking out about the Bird Flu h5n1. The advent of modern high speed transportation increases the ability of any disease or virus to cross preivously invulnerable natural barriers like the Pacific Ocean. Being a socially responsible person demands that a person have no more than two children. Anymore is being greedy.

Some may claim that the Bible says that we should be fruitful and multiply. It also states that a man should stone his wife if he catches meeting the eyes of another man. The Lord God may have given us dominion over the lands and the beasts, but how likely is God to give us another planet if we destroy the one on which we live? If I gave you a house and you trashed it and set it aflame, I would not give you another. And I, just like you, was created in the lord's image.

Hector Vex said...

I'm telling you, another reason for the swirling vortex of death.

Anonymous said...

Chuckles, you stated your belief as to why we should keep thinning out the population, not as how or why I stated some kind of assumption.

I simply stated an obvious. Kind of like religions who don't believe in sex -they eventually not-sex themselves out of extinction. It's simply math, if liberals believe in abortion and do just that, in the end there will be more conservatives and therefore they will become the majority and will keep conservative Presidents in office.

Canuck

Adorable Girlfriend said...

You cannot kill babies when they aren't babies. Babies require a CNS. When you learn a bit about science and evolution Canuck, you are welcome to speak to me! Otherwise, anything you say can and will be laughed at over and over.

Anonymous said...

AG, laugh all you want. Abortion is what it is, killing of an unborn child.

I really do pity you.

Chuckles said...

"...Kind of like religions who don't believe in sex -they eventually not-sex themselves out of extinction. It's simply math..." - Canuck

I think we should ask all the extinct buddhist monks and catholic priest that have taken vows of chastity what it as like to have their religions go extinct.

Chuckles said...

Bombing abortion clinics and killing abortion doctors are what they are: murder. I am pretty sure that there are some commandments or something somewhere in the Bible, which admittedly was written by humans, not God and we know how they can get things wrong.

It is too bad Jesus is worshipped instead of being followed as an example of how live a life. He was a little like the Buddha until people claimed he was the Son of God and all that. Now the money is more important than the message.

Anonymous said...

I think we should ask all the extinct buddhist monks and catholic priest that have taken vows of chastity what it as like to have their religions go extinct.

Catholics do not believe they should stop having sex, only the priests; same with buddhists. However, should liberals keep up their rate of abortion, (since 1973 just under 50 million americans have died via abortion) they'll pretty much be keeping themselves low in numbers -just like priests and buddhists.

Canuck

Chuckles said...

Canuck, do you even remember how close the last two presidential elections have been? They were skin of the teeth victories for the Republicans. I'd hardly call that a dwindling population. And furthermore, I seriously doubt that only liberals are having abortions. After all, teens who take vows of chastity break them about 60% of the time and those kids aren't exactly poster children for prophylactic use. If anyone has any demographic statistics from reliable people about the political opinions of people who have gotten abortions, then I will happily post that link.

Anonymous said...

All very good points Chuckles, however, with conservatives finally standing up to what is right (AG can blow all the smoke she wants. Fact is we all started out the same.), we will fight for states rights and we will raise our children with the same strong beliefs. For instance, my daughter and niece will be brought up knowing abortion is not an option. Should they get pregnant they will be respondsible and either put the baby up for adoption or keep the baby and have help raising it. Like wise with their children. See how the cycle continues.

I'm not saying this will happen tomorrow. Christians girls are getting abortions, yes, but how many of those Christian girls really know their faith? If they did they won't be getting the abortions.

I realize things won't change tomorrow. However, I have faith that they will eventually change.

Canuck

Chuckles said...

What a great way to dismiss people, Canuck!

You really have learned from the Republican party. If someone does soething you don't like, then call their faith into question. Jesus never wrote a damn thing about abortion, nor did he write anything at all. I may be invalidating an earlier point I made about the Ten Commandments, but weren't they old testament anyway? So many of these eveangelical born agains claim to follow Jesus, but then use the Old Testament (also known as Judaism) to justify their horrible behavior. Why is that? Why don't they all join a synagogue?

Adorable Girlfriend said...

Well said Chuckles. The Torah does discuss life and has little issue with abortion.

Again Canuck, do not speak to me about abortion if you know nothing about science. I have no use for ignorance. You had your say, so move along.

Chuckles said...

Hey, AG, let's not get all crazy here. She can come and post all she wants. I won't edit or delete her comments. I will, however, continue with the arguing.

Anonymous said...

Chuckles: What a great way to dismiss people, Canuck!

AG:You had your say, so move along.

uh-huh.

I didn't dismiss you Chuckles. I simply stated that I have faith things will change. Why does this scare you? I have also never stated I worship Jesus.

It comes down to this: you believe in one thing, I believe in another. It is obvious you and I will never change each others mind.

AG, sweetie, as long as you read Chuckles blog, you'll always be hearing from me. ;)

Canuck

Chuckles said...

I don't believe, Canuck, that is the difference. Facts are facts and they do not require belief.

When I said that you were dismissing people, I was pointing out your comment that anyone with different views of religion than yours doesn't really understand it and, by implication, isn't as righteous as you are.

Anonymous said...

Well, Chuckles, you can imply anything you want. I still believe abortion is morally wrong, and you still believe it is morally okay.

We are at a stand still. I'm not sure what else there is to say...but you go right on ahead.

Canuck

Adorable Girlfriend said...

Don't be so sure of that, C.

Chuckie: gosh, I love you in a scary way sometimes. Keep on rockin' in the free world, brother!

Chuckles said...

That's only because you've never seen a picture of me. Nor shall you.

fulsome said...

Well, Chuckles, she sort of has seen a pic of ya.

Chuckles said...

Yeah, but she doesn't know which one of them is me. Although, if she is smart enough, she could check out the anecdotal evidence and figure it out.