Hey Pirates! You better be watching over your shoulder today because all this piratical nonsense is likely to make the ninjas hiding among us totally flip out and kill someone.
In other news, this story would totally be killing me right now if my college hadn't done the same thing when I was a Junior/Senior. I had two/three shitty years of sleeping on a stained and beaten old mattress in college, not even counting the spinal travesties that were my high school beds, and these punks don't know how good it is to have a double mattress. Getting it on was hard enough with my awkward social habits and fumbling looks but those mattresses were like your best cockblocking friend. If you tried to shift position, you were likely to have a spring burst through the top and stab you in the kidney. That is one tetanus shot that is awful hard to explain to your parents. Fucking kids have it easy these days.