Wednesday, August 15, 2007

The Dating Guide Prologue

So the Pretentious Bastard, AKA OfficerGleason, and I have decided to help our fellow man. Normally I try to help humankind but in this effort I am speaking solely to the gentleman geeks and the not-so-gentlemanly geeks that want to be gentleman geeks. OfficerGleason and I are writing a dating guide. This may sound rather ludicrous coming from a guy who broke up with a woman because she doesn't believe in global warming, but I am exactly the person you should come to for advice, on this and all other issues. As the title bar says, I am a Genius and thus provide brilliant consultations.

This guide is not going to help you get laid, it is going to help you date. What happens after that is between you and her. The only supplies you need to bring to these lessons are an open mind and a willingness to change.

You may want to reference my credentials which you may view in the past months and years of the archives. They say that practice makes perfect and as a genius I learn from my mistakes, so I have basically learned everything there is to know about dating.

Don't ask me about relationships though, those are fucking dark matter entities as far as I can tell.

18 comments:

Pretentious Bastard said...

I got relationships down

Charles Brown said...

Dear Genius,

There is this little red-headed girl I think is cute, but every time I try to show off, Lucy pulls the football away at the last second and I fall on my ass. What should I do

--C.B.

Chuckles said...

First of all, stop fucking around with Lucy. She's a tease and is never going to give you the satisfaction of kicking that football. Showing off is only effective on an actual playground, not in the battleground of dating. Excellence displays work best when subtle.

AdorableGirlfriend said...

Wait, Can AG help?

AG is really good at dating and giving advice. Most people actually agree with this. AG just wants to help and get credit. You can keep the royalities.

Chuckles said...

AG is good at giving advice, but is the advice good?

Adorable said...

Chuckles,

Don't be a munch! Let me be part of the round-table discussion. I date Geeks. I heart Geeks. I get Geeks.

You need AG.

Chuckles said...

Nope, this one is for the fellas. You can do one for the ladies.

Shannon Erin said...

Hey AG, I'd be glad to help write one for the ladies.

Snag said...

I found the best way to meet the ladies is to play a lot of foosball and refuse to make eye contact with them while doing so. You should put this in your guide.

Adorable said...

OK Chuckles. Write your "hetero" book for fellas. I mean, you of all peeps, have had the luck with the ladies!

AG on the other hand, has been with someone pretty steady since she was 15. All geeks, all happy and all in love with what AG taught them.

Shannon, deal! We can do so much better than their book that won't even get them a pick six lotto # fortune, let alone a chance at a date!

Chuckles said...

AG, that is the exact reason why you can't contribute to a DATING guide. You don't know shit about dating. You might know more about relationships but that is a different issue.

Adorable said...

You are so right, Chuckles.

I just walk up to men and say, "stick it in!"

And if you aren't looking to give readers advice on getting laid there is only one thing needed to know -- how to date that leads to relationships.

Clearly I was so good at it, I didn't need to spend countless hours on wasted dinner dates!!!

Too late. Shannon and my book will be on the NYT Bestseller and y'all can pay to read it.

Chuckles said...

AG, can't you read the giant fucking sign that says "GURLZ NOT ALLOWED"?

Gesus Kristo, let us men have one thing in matriarchy!

Shannon Erin said...

Chuckles darling,
You can have your dating guide for the men. We'll just make one for the ladies. :) AG, we might just be the perfect pair to write the ladies guide. I'm an expert serial dater. Between the two of us, we've got the dating and the dating to relationship transition covered. Sweet.

dontEATnachos said...

Seriously, if anyone else ever somehow captured whatever arcane magic it is that results in Chuckles series of girls/dates we will know that the apocalypse is nigh.

That lightning must be kept in the Chuckles shaped bottle.

mdhatter said...

I think you need to nail a barbie to the front door or something.

Chuckles said...

To quote dontEATnachos, "I understand why you like her, but I don't understand what she is doing with you."

I can unequivocably state that neither do I.

Aoorable Girlfriend said...

Chuckles, can't you read when I said that you are now going to have to pay to read AG and Shannon's book of dating and mating.

I think you need to nail a barbie to the front door or something.

MD Hatter better watch it. He never knows when he might find an AG on teh front lawn. AG knows where you live and what you did last summer...

Shannon, Mgraw Hill already called. I turned them down. We can do much, much better. I say we hold out for Harvard or MIT Press. Their royalities are better.