Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Cookie Contest 2007 Ingredient List

As promised, my ingredient list for my entry in the 2007 Cookie Contest:

5 pound bag of sugar
5 pound bag of flour
5 pound bag on unbleached flour
5 pound bag of whole wheat flour
2 pound bag of confectioner's sugar
2 pound bag of corn meal
2 cups sea salt
1 cup coconut shavings
1 cup human shavings
5 cups freshly rolled oats
2 dollops of essence of babpupten
2 boxes of raisins
1 box of cranberry raisins
1 ounce raison d'entre
1 ounce ethereal ectoplasm
1 1/2 pounds of 86% organic chocolate chunks
1 cup tears of the unrequited
3 teaspoons of the Dreamer's spittle
6 tons cooled magma
3 tons of volcanic ash from Pompeii
1 ton people ash from Pompeii
3 dashes of Spice Melange
3 drops of the anti-agathic Essence of Ageria
3 dried and ground mind worm larvae from Ceti Alpha Five
1 drop purified water of life
1 bulb of garlic
2 blue eyes of newt
1 bag of M&Ms
2 wheels brie cheese
2 wheels camembert cheese
2 wheelbarrels of headcheese
4 cans condensed milk
2 cans sweetened condensed milk
3 cans condensed goats milk
5 cans condensed weasel milk
1 smelt
cinnamon
paprika
vanilla
old bay seasoning
celery salt

Mix ingredients in non-Euclidean bowl, gently folding in the chocolate chunks. Let this sit on the counter until the reality of your kitchen is redefined in a darker light than shines at night. Ignite oven with the burning soul essence of orphaned male child of a pious widow. Place magma in titanium/unobtanium alloy pan, use center rack in oven. Heat magma to 1250 degrees (centigrade), add ash. Dollop out the cookie mixture onto baking sheet. Should any dollops randomly fall onto the sheet in the form of runes, pictograms or the Elder Sign, DO NOT READ THEM ALOUD. If you choose to read them in your head, you risk only your mind. Should you dare to read them aloud without the proper preparations and precautions, I will not be held liable. Please sign the attached waiver of liablity and fax it to 1-888-NOM-RYLE.

In case you are wondering how a person could write a post like this after the previous two posts and their intense content, I can only say that were I to dwell solely upon those topics that affect me in a most serious and painful fashion, I would not remain sane for long. The struggle is a daily one and I hope that I do not trivialize the suffering mentioned last week.

21 comments:

mdhatter said...

mmmm, old bay

Stephanie said...

I am rescinding my offer to taste test. Officially.

The Uncanny Canadian said...

I think the worm larva is going to make all the difference. Make sure that you keep the ground worm in a desiccated chamber, though, because if that gets moist from earthy vapours, it can get nasty.

My question is how did you get the babpupten away from Dick Cheney?

almostinfamous said...

the last paragraph indicates the story of my life as well.

oh, and google can suck my balzac

Chuckles said...

Shit! I forgot the tarantula venom! My cookies are falling faster than Tucker Carlson's ratings!

The Uncanny Canadian said...

Yeah, why does Google no longer want me to let others know my URL? Why is Google so threatened?

Brando said...

When in doubt, add headcheese.

Von said...

Hm, nope, not threatened by your entry. Chicago's still in it to win it. Though, your creativity does deserve an honorable mention. Can you tell me where you get human shavings? I knew you were a little dangerous.

Chuckles said...

I get human shavings from the guy across the hall. Well, I think it is a guy. The dude smells like fish and wears a long, hooded bathrobe and keeps his apartment dark and the water running.

Kathleen said...

you forgot butter.

Snag said...

Everything's better with smelt.

Chuckles said...

Did you say SMELT!?!

fish said...

I'm with mdh. The greatest discovery I made moving to Maryland is Old Bay Seasonings. It is, without a doubt, the greatest thing ever invented. Try it on popcorn...

Chuckles said...

Oh yes, fish, popcorn is good with The Bay.

Mendacious D said...

Chuckles' kitchen sounds like a mix of Milton's Hell and Pratchett's L-space.

Or Cthulhu's breakfast nook. One or the other.

Also: The Spice must flow!

NĂ¡mo Mandos said...

I detest Old Bay seasoning. It tastes like detergent or something to me.

Chuckles said...

The thing about L-Space is that it is fundamentally flawed. Books and the written word have no inherent power. The reader does, however, gain power from knowledge, but that knowledge is not contained within the book. Knowledge derives from the communication of ideas and books only facilitate that communication. Thus, books are rather like art in that art allows us to glimpse the nature of the divine in the universe yet the art is not divine in and of itself.

Kathleen said...

Books and the written word have no inherent power.

Tell that to Thursday Next!!

Chuckles said...

Ah yes, Kathleen, but without a reader it is only so much unused potential. Ink or electrons have no meaning and neither do words without us to read them. This may be delving to far into a phenomenologist's perspective than I am allowed by my physician.

Jennifer said...

Kathleen is correct! And you can't use tarantula butter.

Chuckles said...

Too late! I declared victory long ago, Jennifer.