Another Comic I Hereby Approve

Merry Christmas Everybody!

Who cares if it is two days after Christmas? There were some years that our gifts didn't arrive for months after the day, so just suck it up.

Also, somebody got their Jesus in my porn.

In the New Year, I will be a better person

In the new year, I will think about going to a DC public library and logging on to Amazon and ordering every book or comedy special Jon Stewart has ever produced and mailing them to wingnut jackasses and other pundits, payment to be provided by the receivers.

In the new year, I will think about letting my wang experience a red shift and then accede to its demands and undergo a further blue shift.

In the new year, I will think about my metaphors and how to insert comedy and relevance in them.

In the new year, I will not be working on improving anything else about my person because I am awesome.

In the new year, except for my sadly lacking Guitar Hero skills, I might work on those.

In the new year, and my air guitar skills.

In the new year, and my Slovak, I should really get on that.

In the new year, I intend to increase the number of unsuccessful relationships and possibly even come up with a definition of success, likely to be borrowed from Operation Iraqi Freedom.

In the new year, I will ignore that previous statement as it makes me sound bad. Very bad. In many, many ways.

In the new year, I intend to put some serious time into developing my character. On the World of Warcraft. I honestly think I have the chops to be a pro-gamer.

In the new year, except I don't because I like women and other social interactions.

Also, the best moment of the year, politically.

Not as Recognizable as You Might Think Mr. Carlson

From WIKIPEDAIA:
Tucker Swanson McNear Carlson (born May 16, 1969 in San Francisco, California) is a pundit who currently hosts Tucker, a national television news show, which is broadcast weekdays at 4 p.m. and 6 p.m. ET on MSNBC.

Carlson is generally considered one of the most recognizable conservative media personalties on American television.

Tucker Carlson opened an account last night at my video store. I thought the name seemed familiar but I couldn't figure out why. It was after he left that I realized he was on the list of Gigantic Cobagz. I could tell you what he and his ridiculously wasped-out female companion (wife?) rented if you really want to know. I won't tell you where he lives, though. That would be wrong and stupid. I will also not be running around ordering 10,000 copies of America: The Book and having it sent to his place even if that would be more awesome than frozen urine treats for his home.

UPDATE FROM JANUARY 8, 2007: This entire post was meant in humor. I took what I felt were more than adequate precautions to protect the privacy of Tucker and took fun oppurtunties for humor. Some of these jokes were self-referential to the point of totally inside jokes that would require a bit of research to discover, but my blog is just a blog and not a nationally known news show. It isn't even a fake news blog. It most certainly isn't a dance competition even if I do get pretty groovy.

I will state again that I will never divulge private information about anyone that isn't me because that is a violation of their rights and I am a man that honestly believes in the validity of all of the Constitution, not just parts of it. I also will not link to those who choose to reveal information that people wish to keep private such as what happened to Michelle Malkin and what she did to those protestors in the University of California or like Patrick Bell did to Clif at Outside the Tent. That is never acceptable.

Link references:
Frozen Urine (a joke referring to college era pranks)
America: The Book
Other fun and non destructive pranks

I Just had an Odd Dream

I was taking a tour of Troublemaker Studio and I got separated and ended up sitting on some stolls with some random people about my age. Robert Rodriguez walks up and starts describing how we will all fail him in one way and be cut from the program. Nobody notices taht I should not be in the group.

Rodriguez gives us a pantomime assignment to test our flexibility. This plays out just like you would expect a bunch of unoriginal dumbass directors to act. One seems to be a kind of Jerry Bruckheimer that desperately wants to display real emotion, one a lamer version of Antoine Fuqua, another is an even more annoying version of Aviva Kempner (I met her and she treats clerks like crap) and then there is me. I apparently want to direct movies that only star Lou Ferrigno as the Hulk.

I woke up as we were discussing the second experiment. Rodriguez had given us a bow and knife for a prop. I don't think I was going to win the internship or whatever.

Christmas with The Genius

Ain't gonna happen. I told my boss that I would work at the video store on Christmas back in November in exchange for Thanksgiving and I always* stick to my word. I will enjoy working on Christmas Eve and Day because I will. That is just how I am. When you are basically broke all the time and you have essentially no legal marketable skills, the only thing you have is your integrity. So I sell it.

See that? That is a joke.

This is not a joke: should I ever be lucky enough to feel comfortable having children and should I ever meet someone who wants to have my incredibly smart and dangerous children, I feel entirely confident in saying the next sentence. My children will know the names of the Elder Gods long before they know shit like colors and shapes. After all, colors and shapes are meaningless in attempts to describe beings from beyond the dawn of time and physics.

*This asterisk is ominous.

God Loves Porn

It is pretty obvious people.

God created humanity.*

God loves humanity.

God loves humanity's actions.**

Humanity created the internets.

The internets is the greatest creation in the history of humanity until the next big one.

The internets is the Library of Alexandria.***

The internets is full of pornography.

The Library of Alexandria is full of pornography.****

God loves pornography.

Tell me I'm wrong.

*According to some.
**Probably not all of them, but God created us the way we are, ergo...
***There was likely pornography in the original Library.
****Again, arguably true, even for the historical version.

This Is The Sound of fulsome's Mating Call

High Expectations UPDATED

Shit and double shit. I am normally a fairly witty and snappy sort of talker. This ability does not slip away from me in most situations, even when it would be helpful. Now, I find myself in a situation where the woman I am meeting has high expectations for wit and banter and all I can think about is that she likes me and likely wants to get freaky.

I know you can't see it, but I just drifted off there for like five minutes. My brain has more trains of thought than Perdido Street Station and most of them derail when I drift like this. Anyway, I have just now decided that I must approach this situation like I approach any situation that doesn't require power tools, construction, skills I don't possess, tools I don't possess or automobiles: without any planning or forethought. Jump in with both feet or headfirst and swim if you can. Improvise. It has mostly worked so far. Except in that Calculus class. And some interviews.

UPDATE 2:25PM 12/20/06: I have just been informed that I performed a classic Hollywood Gambit in order to win the attentions of the fair, fiery, redheaded maiden in question. Dear lord, I am officially a cliche.

The Internets is for God

After mdhatter's find, this just seems horrible and utterly untrue. I have delved into some truly hideous places on internet and I have to say that even though God was being mentioned, God was ignoring the hell out of those...um...prayers.

Holiday Gift Giving: What are we giving The Genius?

1. Nothing because he is rude and mean.
The Genius' Response: Fair enough, for you art a moron and art a bad gift giver.

2. Nothing because he never writes thank you letters.
TGR: Fair enough, for I am selfish and very bad at writing those who shower me with praise and/or gifts.

3. Petri dishes to be filled with urine to later be frozen.
TGR: I can never have enough petri dishes.

4. Music.
TGR: Truly is the one thing in the universe garaunteed to make you more attractive to the object of your desire.

5. Money.
TGR: Forget what I said about #4 and apply it here.

6. Hugs.
TGR: Back the hell off. I ain't no whiny emo.

7. Crossbows.
TGR: Are you sure you know the receiver of this gift? I will only use it for evil. You were warned.

8. Contact information.
TGR: Acceptable.

9. Booze.
TGR: Meh, I could take it or leave it.

10. Books.
TGR: You stray into dangerous territory here, for I am picky and will cut you off if you screw this up. Julinopsis has unrestricted rights to give The Genius books due solely to her awesome taste and excellent track record with book oriented gifting.

The Genius: Still Slick with the Wit, Still Alone with the Night

Let me set the scene:
Christmas party in a typical twentysomething's apartment, not The Genius' place. Low music and conversation, some drinks, some food and genitals arising in said conversation.
Cast:
DC, a defense contractor-married but alone for the night.
FL, a female liberal-friend of The Genius
HL, a hot female liberal-new to The Genius and initially in massive confrontation with The Genius because she thought she was the smartest person in the room.
TG, The Genius-the smartest person in the room.

HL: I don't know how you men live with your externally hanging genitals. How is that comfortable?
FL: HAHA! Seriously.
DC: It isn't that hard, we have been doing it our whole lives.
HL: But they are always hanging, how can that be comfortable?
DC: How do you deal with your breasts?
FL: HAH!
HL: I hate them. I would get them removed if I could.
TG: I would love to help you learn to appreciate your breasts.
FL: *Laughs long and loud*
DC: *Puts face in hands and smiles*
HL: *Looks at The Genius with a mixture of shock, anger and a hint of arousal*
A moment of silence
DC: You basically just said you want to put your penis in her vagina.
HL: Yeah!

That fucker can suck my ass. Just because he is married and stuck changing diapers is no reason to try and shoot a fucking brilliant comeback. Anyway, I bet the host $10 that HL woudl be asking about me in the next week. The truly sad thing is that she might as well live in Sacramento and that FL thinks we would be fucking amazing together. So do I. Plus, if you couldn't figure it out from the dialogue above, she is fantastically attractive and pretty damn smart. I may have to crash a book club soon.

Update: She wants me to call. What can I say brains and a massive wang get me everything I want in life.

Update as of 2:57 PM 12/20/06:I have changed my mind. That word may mean what AG thinks it means. This post may make me look like more of a jerk than I am. It is a snapshot of a long conversation and at this point in the conversation, I was still a little bit in the jerk mode.

In the interest of not looking like a different kind of jerk than I am, HL is quite clearly smart and educated. The only thing missing in her life is a huge wang. That is all I am saying.

Bush Unveils Continued Plans for Operation Ignore Reality

Harry Reid goes for the love tap when he should go for the throat.

At least the show last night was good. Expect a joint report later this evening/week.

EDIT: This posts sucks and I hate it. I thought it was just a lame idea when I put it up, but now I find myself contemplating physical violence upon myself for the sheer heights of lameness this post exudes. I know that I was focused on the office party later in the day on Wednesday but this is just goddam atrocius. This is the Dyson vacuum of posts, it too will never lose suction. This post is NAFTA for blogs, sucking all of the small bits of quality down the tubes that makeup internet.

Totally Tarantula Tuesday: What are we buying our pets for Chanukwanzaamas?

I was watching a movie last night and petting Helob when I was reminded that I need to start buying presents in honor of some arbitrary calendar date memorializing the birth of some people that no one honors anymore. After I took a shower to wash off all the irritating hairs and lanced the bites left by my cute widdle cuddly tarantula, I settled down to a lovely evening of self-control and slow-connection internet shopping. I really only have one individual that deserves anything for Saturnalia.

Helob, my tarantula, provides me with such warmth and life sustaining love. There are few things in the world that a tarantula needs and none of these are available on the internet. I cleaned out his/her/its terrarium by scraping the top layer of dirt off with a plastic fork. I would have used my hands but the doctor said that if I get any more bites on that hand, I may have to get it amputated. Anyway, I cleaned out all the old webbing and the piles of dessicated cricket corpses. I also refreshed the water dish and diced up some apples and put them on a tray. Helob won't eat the apples, but the crickets I toss in her/his/its terrarium do eat it and then they get nice and fat and healthy for Helob to eats them, yes preciousess.

My cleaning efforts have really been rewarding. My apartment doesn't smell like dead crickets and tarantula shit anymore. The terrarium smells a little, but mostly like dried dirt. Maybe for its/her/his birthday, I will purchase a new terrarium and some clean, new strata for it as well. Then I could build Helob a pretty little burrow with a plastic roof and a nice cool floor. But then I wouldn't get to see it/her/him romping around through the field of webs and corpsesss, precioussess.

Also

I can't blog at all from home. I can't connect to the internet at all unless you count dial up and dial up only counts for shit. Looks like the universe is working through one of its pawns to get me off the Warcraft.

Been offline for four days.

Getting the shakes.

Matt Damon Should Go Fuck Himself and Take JJ Abrams with Him

I am not raving mad, nor am I a raving fan of anything but social responsibility, but if you are going to be involved with anything related to Star Trek, you best be prepared to deal with the Kult of Kirk. Neverevernever reinvent him or recast him. That is just goddam ludicrous. Just go write some movies based around anything you damn want in that silly utopian universe, but do not mess with the Kirk.

JJ Abrams is involved in this because he sucks and is associated with all things suckiness.

Just so we are clear, Captain Kirk would kick the tar out of any generation's entire Starfleet captainry. Although, Scott Bakula might warp back in time to learn of the Kirk kung fu and then go back to the present to try and whup the Kirk, but the Kirk would still win in the end.

Pie Will Win Over Iraq

A new report indicates that all we need to do to win in Iraq is to give everyone pie. Operation Pie in the Sky will produce a unified win and stop all fighting in Iraq, once we have ignored the problem long enough.

Remember everyone, changing generals in the middle of a war is a sure fire way to lose. Am I right, General McClellan?

What do we do now?

Since Diebold is so damn horrible and absentee ballots are only counted in recounts and close races, the democratic system in America is completely dead, isn't it?

Happy Holidays!

Tools of Oppression and the Value of Human Life

The argument over at this thread on 3Bulls and other places centers around words as a symbol and tool of oppression. Using words like dick, pussy, cunt, fag, girlie, bitch, ho, whore, slut, skank, gash, wop, spic, nigger, kyke and etc enables an insidious form of oppression according to many people pretty much everywhere in America. I have taken a whole one (1) Women's Studies class and it was an introductory course, but I am not unaware of the sometimes subtle sexism and overt racism existing in America. The use of these words displays and enforces the longstanding rule of a patriarchy. These words all contain an inherent superiority in white men and a similarly inherent inferiority in everyone else.

An astute and angry commenter in the same thread reiterated a point made in the movie Boondock Saints that many of our charming little phrases betray a history that isn't pretty, to put it mildly. Putting it rather more truthfully, we are a damn barbaric species. The last one hundred years have been rather peaceful in comparison to any previous hundred years since our species first decided to plant crops and create permanent settlements. Europe was at war almost continuously since we first started keeping track of the events in our lives until the end of World War 2. Africa remains a perpetually cycling system of war, famine and mild peace. The Middle East is not and has never been calm. Asia is rather beyond my research and I confess that I know very little of the history of any country west of California and east of Istanbul.

A colleague I respect asked me why we even attacked Iraq. I can see only the profuit made by contractors and the administration. Money. Money, money, money. So many people have died and certain corporations are making money habd over fist. If there were on thing that angers me the most about the Bush/Cheney Regime it is the complete lack of respect for human life. If the recent census that produced a result of 600,000 Iraqis dead as a result of our invasion of another sovereign nation and the famous "fungible" comment by Rumsfeld aren't enough to make my case, then Bush's comments to Senator-elect Webb should be damning. I would weep if I knew how much revenue has been generated by the human sacrifice in this insane occupation. This is not right.

The words that have created the latest storm raging across the blogoweb are also representative of a view of the value of human life. All of these words emphasize that male life is more important, stronger, better and in control of all life. As many events continue to show us, these words will never cease having power. Reclaiming a word is an utterly bankrupt attempt to remove the taint from these words. As evidenced in popular culture and recent news items, the word nigger will never lose it's foundation in oppression. Should we ever become so blase about slavery, the human species will be at a disappointing level of enlightenment.

All human life is equally valuable and this value is not based on utility or biology and one's dialogue should reflect this belief. To do otherwise erodes attempts to improve the horrible situation we have created for ourselves.

If you don't agree with me, fine. If you do, fine. If you want to complain, fine. If you never want to type to me again, fine.

A Clarification of My Point Has Been Requested: No one is else required to follow my morals. If you want my respect, I will require you to be consistent in your beliefs. It is disingenuous to say that words like pussy and bitch are acceptable but then throw a fit about cunt. Likewise, I find it extremely distasteful and foolish whenever anyone makes an attempt to reclaim a racial slur. The double standards used in these arguments about reclamation require that the word still retain the foul origins for those not allowed to say and yet mean something beautiful or empowering for those that have decided that they are allowed to say certain words. There is no reclamation, just another definition in Webster. Reclamation is a fallacy that we all have come to accept so we can continue to think of the other as less than human, less than equal.

I may not have made my point as clear as I should in comments, thus I felt a post would clarify it.

A further clarification:
Racial slurs do feel somewhat worse to me than sexual ones. I have no doubt that this is based on my gender and my experiences even though I do everything I can to treat everyone the same. This is also an indication of how easy it is to accept words like bitch because we hear it so much more often and more casually, even though it is just as bad as cunt from my perspective. I still do not understand how one can be allowed but the other prohibited.

DARPA Can Eat Wang

I am rapidly reaching the not giving a flying monkey stage in my mania cycle and I was thinking that it may be time to start my own weapons laboratory. I don't know anything about science and shit, but I am a genius and I am not always certiably sane so I should be able to come up with a superweapon easily enough. Maybe fulsome, dontEATnachos and mdhatter would be willing to collaborate. dEn could design the website and we could subcontract our LASER testing needs out to Gregor Samsa or whoever it was that fires LASERs at the Giant Cephalopod menace in the Puget Sound.

Some of you may wonder, Chuckles! How could your strict ethical code possibly permit you to contribute to the creation of a device used only for death and destruction? Easy enough question to answer. We all suck and deserve to be eradicated and we are working hard at doing it. If I were to create some sort of Neutron Gun or Vapo-LASER, we could all kill each other without destroying the rest of the planet.

Maybe the bonobos would take better care of the planet if they could stop humping each other.

And yes, I do know that recent research suggests that wild bonobos don't have massive orgies like was first reported by Kano and de Waal. That is just damn depressing. They should be having huge orgies. They've earned it.

Some Words on Some Words

I may not understand or entirely give a shit about the past, current and future blogspheric bruhahas, but I do end up reading about them through secondary sources. The internets are such a wonderful place, but they move at a pace which I am not inclined to match. I do not read all the blogs I should, given my political leanings, nor do I read all the ones I detest even if it could bolster my humorous postings. I just don't have time for all this crap. Between my jobs, my World of Warcraft account, my pathetic attempts at dating and the inevitably ensuing perusals of pornography, I manage to read only the sites I link on this page. As an aside, if I haven't linked you yet, it is merely because I am a lazy turd. (Looking at you, almostinfamous)

So, if I don't seem appropriately enraged by some person's use of another person's bad word, don't take it as anything less than me not giving a shit. Frankly, I feel that everytime one of these incidents comes along, it is time for me to check out. I might as well tilt at the windmills in my mind as leave a comment in the hordes that result.

Maybe it is a bad day for feminism/homo-nups/gay rights/straight rights/politics/transformers/nanolathes/whatever, it still doesn't matter a whole lot to me. I don't know where I am anymore. I used to think I was on some parallel track to the rest of the goddam universe. There was a time when I thought my vector was entirely perpendicular and was conviced everything about me would end in a fiery collision. My efforts to speed that collision notwithstanding, I have no clue about anything. I know that I am drifting but know not my speed or vector.

Some days, I wake up and convince myself that tonight will be the night I buy some dope off everyone in my bulding and just tell everything to fuck off for the rest of my life. Other days, I wake up telling myself that this wiil be the day I get the raise I deserve and my bosses will finally admit that I am fucking worth it. Most days, I don't know which fantasy is sadder.

All I know anymore is that I seem to have moved to some place beyond schadenfreude and into, I dunno, apathyfreude? wangenfreude? Winter?

Oh, and about the picture? First one in a Google Image search for schadenfreude that made sense.

Real Genius Newsflash Super Update: Is she hitting on me?

Yes. Apparently, she was.

Also, Qwantz blew my freaking mind this morning with hilarity. I am sitting at my desk and I want to laugh so hard, but I am in a place of SERIOUS BUSINESS and I can't. Blowing my mind feels a bit like being an extra in the movie Miami Vice. Those dudes all got shot or stabbed or obliterated by explosions.

Anyway, back to the Qwantz. The author, Ryan North, claims that he does not understand the path to enlightenment which in and of itself is hilarious. The words used in the comic indicate that he has a fairly decent grasp on certain aspects of enlightenment and Buddhism or at least a fairly decent grasp on our society's understanding of Buddhism and enlightenment.

Google Ads Are Funny

Make your banana look like a dildo.