In the New Year, I will be a better person

In the new year, I will think about going to a DC public library and logging on to Amazon and ordering every book or comedy special Jon Stewart has ever produced and mailing them to wingnut jackasses and other pundits, payment to be provided by the receivers.

In the new year, I will think about letting my wang experience a red shift and then accede to its demands and undergo a further blue shift.

In the new year, I will think about my metaphors and how to insert comedy and relevance in them.

In the new year, I will not be working on improving anything else about my person because I am awesome.

In the new year, except for my sadly lacking Guitar Hero skills, I might work on those.

In the new year, and my air guitar skills.

In the new year, and my Slovak, I should really get on that.

In the new year, I intend to increase the number of unsuccessful relationships and possibly even come up with a definition of success, likely to be borrowed from Operation Iraqi Freedom.

In the new year, I will ignore that previous statement as it makes me sound bad. Very bad. In many, many ways.

In the new year, I intend to put some serious time into developing my character. On the World of Warcraft. I honestly think I have the chops to be a pro-gamer.

In the new year, except I don't because I like women and other social interactions.

Also, the best moment of the year, politically.