Freelance Genius

I may have a face for radio, but you, sir, have a brain for television.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

God Loves Porn

It is pretty obvious people.

God created humanity.*

God loves humanity.

God loves humanity's actions.**

Humanity created the internets.

The internets is the greatest creation in the history of humanity until the next big one.

The internets is the Library of Alexandria.***

The internets is full of pornography.

The Library of Alexandria is full of pornography.****

God loves pornography.

Tell me I'm wrong.

*According to some.
**Probably not all of them, but God created us the way we are, ergo...
***There was likely pornography in the original Library.
****Again, arguably true, even for the historical version.

22 Comments:

At 3:36 PM, December 20, 2006, Anonymous The Uncanny Canadian said...

I think pornography history is a most fascinating subject. If you look at all these ancient artifacts from Greece to Rome to Crete, you routinely see erotic and sometimes borderline sick imagery. Even ancient bibles were frequently adorned with erotic imagery. Pornography only became so during the Elizabethan era, and only because those Brits are so freaking stuffy and stiff.

I contend that porn is a modern construct, designed to make people feel shame about their bodies, and therefore subjugate people to all kinds of power constructs like patriarchy and theocracy.

 
At 4:34 PM, December 20, 2006, Blogger Chuckles said...

You can only oppress those who love to undress?

Holy shit, that may be the best fucking sentence in the history of sentences.

 
At 5:00 PM, December 20, 2006, Anonymous The Uncanny Canadian said...

It's a good rhyme, but aren't you kind of tryiing to say the opposite?

You can only oppress those who refuse to undress

 
At 5:44 PM, December 20, 2006, Anonymous Jennifer said...

Okay... is UC or Chuckles really Mohammad Ali???

My mind is old and crinkly, but isn't the Vatican supposed to be the owner of the biggest collection of pornography? They're the ones with the history and they're not sharing!

 
At 8:34 PM, December 20, 2006, Blogger Chuckles said...

Whoops!

I got that one backwards, good catch.

 
At 11:17 PM, December 20, 2006, Anonymous Adorable Girlfriend said...

You are wrong.

Why does UC only show up when it's about porn. What a loser!

 
At 1:23 AM, December 21, 2006, Anonymous The Uncanny Canadian said...

I think the Vatican officially denies the porn collection, but you know they have it and you know that's where the super high arch bishops go for a good wank. Goddamn you Vatican. Show us your porn!!!!

 
At 11:06 AM, December 21, 2006, Blogger fish said...

I think the Vatican officially denies the porn collection, but you know they have it and you know that's where the super high arch bishops go for a good wank.

They certainly know how to party. Ballet of Chestnuts anyone? The money quote: "Servants kept score of each man's orgasms, for the pope greatly admired virility and measured a man's machismo by his ejaculative capacity."

 
At 1:21 PM, December 21, 2006, Blogger Brando said...

The 1500s was a rocking time to be the Pope. Led Zeppelin had nothing on those guys.

 
At 6:19 PM, December 21, 2006, Blogger billy pilgrim said...

UC should totally open a porn site called Vatican Archives

 
At 9:04 PM, December 21, 2006, Blogger teh l4m3 said...

You're not wrong... YOU'RE WANGTACULAR!!!

 
At 3:03 AM, December 22, 2006, Anonymous Res Publica said...

I hate to break it to ya, Chuck, but God hates the patriarchy, and therefore, she only digs gay porn. Which is great for me, but Teh SuXxX0r for you. Bwahahahahahahaaa!llo

 
At 8:45 AM, December 22, 2006, Blogger Chuckles said...

How does God get her groove back?

 
At 11:47 PM, December 26, 2006, Blogger JOSHUA S BLACK said...

Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.”

My friends, would you sell your right eye for $1 million? How about both of your eyes for $100 million? Then why on earth would you trade your soul for a fleeting glance at a woman? Please, turn from your sins today that God may grant you everlasting life through Jesus Christ His Son. Then read your Bible daily and obey what you read. God never fails to keep His promises.

 
At 11:01 AM, December 27, 2006, Blogger Chuckles said...

The bible has contradictory passages. I am supposed to turn the other cheek but also take an eye for an eye.

Which is it? Do I forgive all trespasses or do I strike my enemies with vengeance?

 
At 2:43 PM, December 28, 2006, Blogger teh l4m3 said...

Excuse me, waiter? There's a Jesus in my pr0n!!!

 
At 5:49 PM, December 28, 2006, Blogger mdhatter said...

God hasn't yet offered me anything I'm interested in. Sorry. Thanks though.

 
At 8:52 PM, April 25, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're an idiot. God states in the Bible not to look at anyone with lust, which is the entire basis of porn.

 
At 10:45 AM, June 23, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Porn is evil it can destroy familys and tear away friends and your left with noting so does GOD love porn NO it's the devils work giving into lust and temptation is not GOD'S work but the work of satan all porn stars will rot in hell for there sins and i hope they do

 
At 10:55 PM, July 29, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

God gave me a right hand to wank with and I shall do so

 
At 10:59 AM, March 12, 2008, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The most important development in the United States in regards to
censorship and the Internet has been the Communications Decency
Act (CDA). The CDA was voted overwhelmingly into law in 1996,
and made it a criminal offense to send free twink pics
via the Internet into others computers" (Wilkins 1997).

 
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