President Bush blasted the Democratic-controlled Congress on Tuesday for having "the worst record in 20 years [including the months and months Congress spent on impeachment proceedings against President Clinton]."
"Congress is not getting it's work done," Bush said, flanked by members of the Republican House leadership. "The House of Representatives has wasted valuable time on a constant stream of investigations, and the Senate has wasted valuable time on an endless series of failed votes to pull our troops out of Iraq. They have only legalized my illegal warrantless wiretapping program, attempted to grant immunity to the telecoms and failed to override my veto of that thing what was gonna give kids health care."
Bush criticized Congress for not being able to send "a single appropriations bill" to him. He also criticized Congress for not being able to clean up his room, bring him properly chewy chocolate chip cookies, for not patting him on the back when he remembered to wipe, and for not keeping Senator Craig away from him when he was busy wiping.
"They haven't seen a bill they could not solve without shoving a tax hike into it and let me tell you, I am sick and tired of all this vetoing lately, that stamp is frigging heavy. Just give me a bill I can sign," he said.
Democrats quickly fired back. Jim Manley, senior aide to Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, said, "Taking advice from President Bush about fiscal responsibility and getting things done for the American people is like taking hunting lessons from Dick Cheney. Neither is a very good idea. It probably wasn't a good idea to legalize the grossest violation of the Bill of Rights but we are all about bipartisan cooperation which means you have to give a little to get a little. Or get nothing, in this case."
Rep. Rahm Emanuel, D-Illinois, issued a statement saying, "President Bush's rally this morning reminds us that congressional Republicans remain ready and willing to rubber-stamp the Bush agenda, despite the Democratic Party's rush to do it first: No to children's health care; no to a new direction in Iraq; and no to investing in America's future. The White House and congressional Republicans want to continue the status quo without Democrats, even though we bend over backwards to fulfill their wishes. We would appreciate just a little recognition of all of our efforts to advance the new conservative agenda."
Bush said the Senate was "wasting valuable time" by taking up the children's health insurance bill, which he had earlier vetoed. "They should have been buying me some of those sweet new Naruto DVDs. That show is AWESOME!"
Democrats quickly fired back. House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer, D-Maryland, issued a statement calling Bush "a huge asshole and the biggest obstacle" to extending health coverage to "10 million low-income, working-class American children while acting like the biggest child in America."
Hoyer said GOP House leaders need to "stop posing for pictures, stop the late night meetings in the Capital Building's bathrooms and sit down with Democrats and Republicans in Congress who are actually working and working together to extend coverage to our children. In other words, stop being a bunch of childish cobagz."
The State Children's Health Insurance Program measure passed in the House last week would expand the program by nearly $35 billion over five years, the same as the measure Bush vetoed on October 3. Bush had proposed adding $5 billion to the program, and said the version he vetoed would have encouraged families to go back on welfare and buy huge mansions with pools filled with champagne. He also said that SCHIP would force private practice doctors to give your child's medicine to a random street urchin and force your pediatrician to deliberately give your children autism and the cancer.
Democratic leaders said the new version addresses Republican objections by tightening restrictions on illegal immigrants receiving SCHIP benefits; capping the income levels of families that qualify for the program; preventing adults from receiving benefits; all while simultaneously satisfying Republican demands for an uneducated work force with a shortened lifespan.
The program currently covers about 6 million children whose parents earn too much to qualify for Medicaid, the federal health insurance program for the working poor [a title Republicans describe as "mythological"], but who can't afford private insurance. Democrats want to extend the program to another 4 million, paying for it with a 61-cent-per-pack increase in the federal tax on cigarettes. Republicans have argued that health insurance is not that expensive and one anonymous Capital Hill staffer said "Besides, anyone can just setup a direct monthly payment easily enough by asking their accountant to route those bills through the average trust fund."
Bush said Congress knows the current version of the children's health bill "does not have a chance," to get enough votes to override another veto, also "that bill is so lame I bet it uses crutches."
Hoyer accused Bush of breaking a promise he made in 2004 to extend coverage under the SCHIP program. "Now, Congress must do what the president said he would do," he said in his statement, "because he is damn, dirty, pinky-swear breakin' motherfucker. I am so sick of his whining bullshit."
The Senate could vote on the bill as early as Tuesday.
Bush also threatened to veto a "three-bill pileup. If I see one a those coming down the turnpike, I'm gonna get out my big veto tank and drive right over the sucker. Perhaps I'll get some of those awesome luchadores to come up here and pile drive a Congressional Bill Pileup. I don't fuck around with this sorta shit all up in my face. I'm from the streets, beee-OTCH."
"There are now reports that Congressional leaders may be considering combining the Veterans and Department of Defense appropriations bills, into some kind of Frankenstein bill and if Congress then add a bloated labor, health and education spending bill to both of them, " he said he would, "call out a whole host of ro-beasts to kill that Voltron-like Mega-Bill. I'll go all kinds of Power Rangers ninja-shit on any kinda bill I don't like."
"Congress should pass each bill one at a time in a fiscally responsible manner," he said, adding, "Don't make me call my mother about this, she'll kick you in the nuts, Hoho Hoyer."
Bush also urged Congress to send him a "clean defense appropriations bill and a war supplemental bill because I need my money to keep that awesome war movie going. Have you seen Black Hawk Down? That shit was fucking kick ass and I want more of it."
"They ought to get me a bill that funds among other things bullets and body armor, well maybe not body armor," he said. Bush also criticized Congress for trying to "hold hostage" funding for troops. "I have already stated how much I like action movies. I have already seen Band of Brothers like 50 times this month. Gimme my money!"
"It would be irresponsible to not give our troops the resources they need to get their job done because Congress was being a bunch of jerks and, uh, 'unable to get its job done' and shit," he said.
Hoyer's release said Bush's comments on appropriations bills and fiscal responsibility "ring hollow and frankly, make me think our President might not be all there. Not the sharpest tool in the shed, if you know what I mean."
"The fact is, this administration has pursued the most fiscally irresponsible policies in American history, turning record surpluses into record deficits and adding more than $3 trillion to the national debt, " he said. "I don't know how to state the fact any clearer, President Bush is a threat to national security, is destroying our economy, is keeping his disadvantaged supporters stuck in poverty and may even be a complete and total moron."
"Democrats are the party of fiscal responsibility today because we believe our government must pay for the things it purchases and not force our children to pay our bills. The fight over 2008 appropriations bills is not a fight over spending. It is a fight over priorities."
Its not plagiarism if its used satirically!