Thursday, May 18, 2006

The Mighty Potomac River Has Killed Too Many Fine Americans!

An average of one person dies on the Potomac River every month.1 The tap water in Washington, DC contains dangerous levels of lead.2 There are dangerous and varying levels of perchlorate in the groundwater underneath Sibley Hospital and the Spring Valley area. It is also probable that it has invaded the Dalecarlia reservoir. The perchlorate blooms may even have reached the Potomac River.3 There are already recommended limits to consumption of fish caught in the Anacostia and Potomac rivers. Pregnant women should not eat the fish at all.

These hazards all add up to one inevitable conclusion: The water in the DC metropolitan area is trying to kill American citizens and the residents of the CAPITAL OF THE FREE WORLD! It is time we met this challenge HEAD ON!

There is no time for special advisory committees! This is a time for ACTION! We need a man in charge that gets things done!

We need to remove this threat to our livelihood swiftly and decisively. We need to show H20 that we are not afraid and not cowed by these blatant and egregious attacks. Most of our conventional weapons will be useless as bullets just pass through water without actually harming it. Explosives would only spread out the lethal H20 and that is clearly a sub-optimal result.

Nuclear weapons are clearly handy at destroying pretty much anything, but they might harm the White House if it weren't able to raise the deflector shields. Oh, and all the monuments to the REAL AMERICANS might also be destroyed and I am sure the liberals would find some way to blame that on the Bush administration.4

What we need is a microwave generator that will vaporize all the water in the city in less than five minutes. I have heard that Batman knows where we could find one. I am sure that he would be willing to help us. We are on the side of the right and justice, so it shouldn't be a problem.

Some people may say that this is an extreme answer to this problem and to them I say this: Stop being such a nancy-boy pantywaist cobag. This is serious problem and it demands a serious solution, folks. THERE IS NO OTHER OPTION.

1 According to crusty old river woman that runs the canoe rental at Fletcher's Cove. I think she is actually the basis for Robert Shaw's infamous seadog, Captain Quint.
2 According to everyone and all the news organizations in the city. The government sends out free Brita filters every month.
3 According to a story in the Northwest Current in the week of April 26, 2006. Perchlorate is component in the WW1 era chemical weapons that were buried in DC. Don't even get me started on that issue. Perchlorate causes lymbic problems later in life if I remember correctly.
4 Clearly, if that were to happen, it would be the water's fault for forcing us to use such weapons on it.


almostinfamous said...

get lost you dirty smelly hippie. no once cares about you if you can't afford your daily 5 gallons of perrier

teh l4m3 said...

"An average of one person dies on the Potomac River every month."

Hitlery did it!

Chuckles said...

Goddam Hitlery keeps doing stuff!