Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Facial Bronzing Cream? That's Aisle Six Mr. Carlson

Once again, I find myself in a position to ridicule Tucker Carlson. This is not a habit or hobby for me, but once some dude threatens you with destruction, you have to make hay while the sun pelts you with lemons. Or in this case, tubes of bronzing cream.


I was waiting for the bus last night and talking with a friend when he/she regaled me with a 100% true story about seeing Tucker Carlson in one of the neighborhood CVS stores.1 This friend said that he/she/it had seen Tucker Carlson in line with a packet of Neutrogena Instant Bronze face cream. This is sweet, sweet confirmation of my previous statements on Tuck a l'Orange's suspiciously even skin tones. This is also extremely sad for me. All of my experiences with Tucker Carlson left me with the distinct impression that he is the kind of guy who has a full staff of primpers and preeners to perform all the unpleasant chores of his life like chewing his food, powdering his balls and applying his tanning creme. I figured with the kind of money that his wikipedia page claims that he has, Tucker would have some exotically accented butler following him around and picking up his discarded McDonald's wrappers, maybe even calling him sir. I guess times really are tight for everyone and that may be why no one has seen him at the video store, Netflix is indeed cheaper if you watch more than 1 movie a week. Of course, he may not go to that video store anymore because he was such a publicly raging asshole, but I digress. Honestly, if the economy has gotten so bad that the inheritors of multiple massive estates can no longer afford the soft, supple, manicured hands of Jeeves to apply their artificial bronzer and must now rely on Wagner Power Painter Wide Shot Max to do the job, what is next? Will Tucker Carlson begin standing around stop lights with a wash rag and some Windex? Damn the irresponsible fiscal policies of the past for Tucker's sad fate!


A Personal Note to Tucker Carlson: Before you get all snippy while ego-surfing and send out your inept lawyers2 again, Agent Orange, remember that you are a public figure and quite open to ridicule. If I were to ever meet you in person again, Tucker, I am more inclined to help you avoid any Tropicana goon squads after your deliciously ripe noggin than I am to do anything rash or rude, like yell at someone in a video store.

1 I do not shop at this CVS store if I can avoid it because the building was a neat old movie theater before being sold to CVS. We all have our lines in the sand.
2 If anyone wishes to send me any legal documents in regard to this or any other post, please contact me at geniusblogs AT sluggy DOT com. If anyone wishes to fucking destroy me, they can contact me at orangeskinnedblowhard AT whinywasp DOT org.

29 comments:

Brando said...

One can hope that one day his pit crew will "accidentally" powder his tanning cream, apply his food to his skin, and chew his balls.

billy pilgrim said...

El

Oh

El

Smucker said...

How dare you!

Tangerines at dawn.

Pinko Punko said...

hee hee hee!

Brando said...

Tucker Carlson is so orange, he can't say "banana."

Chuckles said...

Never bring a tangerine to a guava fight.

billy pilgrim said...

I like the fact that with all his money and personal assistants and groomers, he has to go himself, surreptitiously I'm sure, to CVS to get bronzer.

Becasue CVS has the MOSTEST ORANGE bronzer.

Snag said...

Now I have this image of Tucker and Rich Lowry grooming each other like chimps.

Thanks.

Kathleen said...

Neutragena, eh? a step up from copper tone, but too cheap to use an organic brand.

That ain't gonna get you any traction at the farmer's market, Tucker.

Chuckles said...

I wonder if he can afford to send his cooks out to but all his food or does he have to go to Safeway himself? Oh, woe is Tucker! I bet he wishes he hadn't said all that crap about Canada now.

billy pilgrim said...

Did he threaten to destroy

the CVS cashier?

Adorable said...

No, he has to destroy Chuckles' friend for telling him. BTW, You couldn't call AG last night to tell her?

Cobag.

See, I respect your issue with CVS. Can I get some advice. I fired my dentist last week after I found out that he donated to the Republicans in 2004. UC got all mad and said I was making no point. I am making a point in that I will give him no monies to donate to cobags. How is that wrong?

Stupid Pooo Cee.

Kathleen said...

you are totally right AG! although I feel that if we enforced this rule strickly we would have lots of services off limits. :(

Von said...

Seriously funny. Can someone, ANYONE explain to me exactly what a Cobag is though? I keep seeing it in these blogs that I frequent, yet I do not know.

Chuckles said...

COlostomy BAG.

It is in the urban dictionary, too.

Jennifer said...

There's got to be an orange push-up joke, but it's been a long day.

NY Law Firm said...

I am coming for you

Adorable said...

Thanks K-unit. I knew we were brotahs from a different motha.

Von is here?! I heart that we get Von because of the Marty. Now Von, stop by AG's! Please.

And NY law firm rocks the comment thread. Probably teh teh, Snag or Brando.

Von said...

Ah, Adorable, I've been admiring you from afar for awhile, on numerous blogs. Guess I'll have to add one more to the list! Chuck, thanks for the info. I plan to use cobag in a sentence tomorrow, like my own private word of the day...

Chuckles said...

It is an elite club, Le Club Cobag. Don't fall for AG's constant blegging, VON, you will regret it.

Von said...

How elite? But do I get to join? AND Le Club Cobag, is it the Club of those that can use the term? OR those that are indeed cobags? I'm getting confused. Blegging? I feel very not smart today....

mdhatter said...

of course, the ny law firm could be just any old cobag.

Adorable said...

Ah, Adorable, I've been admiring you from afar for awhile, on numerous blogs.

AG calls dibs on Von.

New not-so-secret-Blog-lover!!!!

Von said...

NY law firm, are you coming after Chuckles, or all of us? Good luck with that.

Chuckles said...

AG, sorry toots, she's been mine for some time now. That's the power of the Chuck Bug.

Adorable said...

To quote another blogger we all heart, don't call me toots!

And Von: when you go to the Chuckside, it's all down hill from there.

Pick AG!

Von said...

Wow. I blush! Guess I'm no cobag. Trust me, there's plenty of me to go around. Please keep in mind I have the task of maintaining Shannon's blog while she's off in the land of Guiness and whiskey, so much of my blog time will be dedicated to that for the next 2 weeks. But since it seems to matter, I will try my best to make time to comment plentifully on The Marty, and my two new internet besties AG and Chuckles the Genius.

fish said...

I believe it is Le Club du Cobag.

Viagra said...

He does appear a bit orange!