Once again, I find myself in a position to ridicule Tucker Carlson. This is not a habit or hobby for me, but once some dude threatens you with destruction, you have to make hay while the sun pelts you with lemons. Or in this case, tubes of bronzing cream.
I was waiting for the bus last night and talking with a friend when he/she regaled me with a 100% true story about seeing Tucker Carlson in one of the neighborhood CVS stores.1 This friend said that he/she/it had seen Tucker Carlson in line with a packet of Neutrogena Instant Bronze face cream. This is sweet, sweet confirmation of my previous statements on Tuck a l'Orange's suspiciously even skin tones. This is also extremely sad for me. All of my experiences with Tucker Carlson left me with the distinct impression that he is the kind of guy who has a full staff of primpers and preeners to perform all the unpleasant chores of his life like chewing his food, powdering his balls and applying his tanning creme. I figured with the kind of money that his wikipedia page claims that he has, Tucker would have some exotically accented butler following him around and picking up his discarded McDonald's wrappers, maybe even calling him sir. I guess times really are tight for everyone and that may be why no one has seen him at the video store, Netflix is indeed cheaper if you watch more than 1 movie a week. Of course, he may not go to that video store anymore because he was such a publicly raging asshole, but I digress. Honestly, if the economy has gotten so bad that the inheritors of multiple massive estates can no longer afford the soft, supple, manicured hands of Jeeves to apply their artificial bronzer and must now rely on Wagner Power Painter Wide Shot Max to do the job, what is next? Will Tucker Carlson begin standing around stop lights with a wash rag and some Windex? Damn the irresponsible fiscal policies of the past for Tucker's sad fate!
A Personal Note to Tucker Carlson: Before you get all snippy while ego-surfing and send out your inept lawyers2 again, Agent Orange, remember that you are a public figure and quite open to ridicule. If I were to ever meet you in person again, Tucker, I am more inclined to help you avoid any Tropicana goon squads after your deliciously ripe noggin than I am to do anything rash or rude, like yell at someone in a video store.
1 I do not shop at this CVS store if I can avoid it because the building was a neat old movie theater before being sold to CVS. We all have our lines in the sand.
2 If anyone wishes to send me any legal documents in regard to this or any other post, please contact me at geniusblogs AT sluggy DOT com. If anyone wishes to fucking destroy me, they can contact me at orangeskinnedblowhard AT whinywasp DOT org.