Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Problems, I've Got a Few of My Own

My current crop of problems, let me show you them. I've got money troubles, nothing new there, I've got women troubles, not at all unusual, and now I've got death to think about. I am attending a memorial service on Sunday. The individual and my relation to him is not important to the rest of this conversation but the act of death1 is.

You go through phases in life with your friends and other people in your standardly deviating age bracket. First off, everyone is born, some earlier than others and some later. Then, everybody hits puberty on our own schedules but roughly around the same time. People lose their virginity and then start getting married2, maybe not in that order or with any necessary correlation. In the last three years, I've gone to more weddings than the rest of my life. If I included the number of weddings I was unable to attend and I should have bought a tux to save myself further monies I didn't have. This is nothing earth shattering or even remotely new to anyone. The next phase of life usually involves people having kids and I have reached that earlier than others3. Four friends or relations of mine have already spawned. I have been able to escape the inevitable showers with two excuses: gender and general Chuckness4. Now I find myself racing ahead to the next phase of life and I would really appreciate it if this shit would just knock off.

People keep getting sick and dying. Case in point: at least 5 people currently associated with my job currently have cancer and almost all the rest have either beaten some form of cancer or expect to get it. What the fuck. If I am bad at baby showers, I am abysmal at funerals. My general thought process follows lines like these:
10 Don't Be Late
20 Don't Be Rude
30 Don't Confuse Stoic Face for Angry Face and Accidentally Annoy the Bereaved
40 Concentrate on Stoic Face
50 Don't Smile at Coworkers or Pretty Women
60 Say "I'm Sorry For Your Loss"
70 Do Not Think About TV Schedules
80 Do Not Think About Raid Schedules
90 GOTO 50 Repeat 5 Times Then Leave

Even the deaths of family members don't really bug me. I mean, sure it sucks that the people are gone and all, but I've got to continue moving through my life. Getting all pissed off or weepy doesn't really help the situation because the person will still be dead. Basically I'm just cold and dead inside.

Funny thing is, an ex-girlfriend said that when she dumped me. More than one has said that, in fact. Maybe I should work on that.

1 I hope this post isn't as gothy as Two and a Half Men.
2 Some people really choose to straggle along with both of these, but let me state that marriage is not necessary for a happy and fulfilling life. If I write any more on this, people will think I am bitter and lonely when I am neither.
3 Another easily misinterpreted sentence. This post blows.
4 Most people agree that I would say something odd and everyone at a baby shower would get all cheesed off about the whole thing.


Von said...

I think this is a great post. First, I think it sucks majorly that because of my gender, I am expected to go to baby showers. I hate them. I really have a hard time getting excited about diapers and onsies. I don't even wrap the damn diaper genies I'm forced to buy, my own silent protest. Secondly, hear-hear on the marriage is not necessary for happiness train...I second that. But, I have been accused of being an Ice Queen, so I might have just reinforced that, oh well. In conclusion, this post is not gothy, nor is it emoish.

Mike Stewart said...

I loved that post! Wish I could write as well as you do! Just discovered your blog but I'll be back! Cheers!

Chuckles said...

I think it is spelled onesie and I want one in my size. My nephew looks like he enjoys them.

Snag said...

I am told there is an adult subculture that enjoys onesies. Perhaps that will alleviate your internal deadness.

billy pilgrim said...

I think I see your problem. Your internal coding is in Basic.

mdhatter said...

check, check, check, and check.

I think billy is onto something there. This is, after all, an object oriented universe.

Adorable Girlfriend said...

Chuckles, you sound depressed. I am not going to support this kind of sadness.

Hugs, hugs, hugs.



Chuckles said...

Those puns hurt worse than dangling participles.

Kathleen said...

footnote 1: hee!

"Basically I'm just cold and dead inside.
Funny thing is, an ex-girlfriend said that when she dumped me."

that's harsh. You don't bounce back from that right away. No, I'm a writer, I know dialogue and that's particularly harsh.

Chuckles said...

Kathleen, I have a whole edition of "The Quotable Ex" ready to go to press. Nothing in that book is kind.

Maybe I'll do a Top Ten on Friday or something as part of the languishing Dating Guide.

Adorable Girlfriend said...

AG could add a few suggestions that perhaps one of the ex girlfriends missed.

AG keeps good notes and files on all...

Kathleen said...

AG created a blogger profile!!

Kathleen said...

"The Quotable Ex"

Now that is genius.

Von said...

Who needs "kind"?? Can't wait for Friday! Don't let us down! AG - do tell....I'm intrigued.

porterhouse said...

I recommend thinking about Raid schedules. It's better than trying not to confuse your stoic face for angry face.

Also, you forgot to include an a cappella singing of dust in the wind.

missy&chrissy said...

i enjoyed this post. i also can't imagine myself enjoying a baby shower (at least not at this stage in life. i've yet to attend one).

and is "two and a half man" goth? i had no idea.

AdorableGirlfriend said...

Von, let's just say the Chuckles is very complex. He's a lover who likes to fight. He needs to better understand when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em.

Chuckles said...

And a cappella version of Dust in the Wind is better than I Swear, but the less said about that, the better.

I'm a lover who likes to stare down fights, AG. I don't like fighting, it's only good for breaking knuckles.

mdhatter said...

Chuckles, please get out of my head.

I gotta come down to DC and we can play each others wingman all night.

And i mean that in a totally hetero- way.

Chuckles said...

I don't know if DC could handle that, but I am willing to find out, mdhatter.

AdorableGirlfriend said...

Chuckles, I am talking about physical fights!

Chuckles said...

So am I.

Jennifer said...

I think I confused your stoic post for your angry post.

Anonymous said...

i didnt find your genius, just a poster.