Friday, November 16, 2007

The Quotable Ex

10. "I've decided I need a hott guy with a six pack. And now I've missed my bus and have to take the Metro, thanks you asshole."
My response: "That's incredibly shallow."
My response ten minutes after she left: "Shit, I can get a six-pack but some asshole at a bar won't have my personality."

9. "I'll see you in November."
My response: "Definitely!"
My response in November: "Why doesn't she return my calls?"

8. In an email: "I am ready to not be with you anymore, don't bother moving out here even though we made those plans last week. I hope you haven't bought the tickets."
My response: To myself at my computer, "You fucking bitch. I'm glad I hadn't bought those tickets."
My response a week later: "FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK! Now what the fuck am I going to do this summer?"

7. "I think you do love me but you won't admit it to yourself."
My response: "I really don't and you are way too needy and insecure for me to entertain notions of continuing this relationship."
My response a week later when she called: "I'm sorry but my feelings haven't changed."

6. "So would you like to have dinner on Thursday?"
My response: "Would this be a date? I was more interested in being friends. When you took your clothes off the other night, I said what the hell, but now I think that there was some miscommunication."
My response a week later, explaining it to my friends: "When I came out of the bathroom, she had her top off and was just sitting on the couch. So I figured we weren't going to watch the rest of the movie."

5. "I love you."
My response: "Ok."
My response the next day: "I'm glad I don't have her phone number because she said I love you on the first date. The time we made out while I was blotto doesn't count because I don't remember it."

4. "I'm really more interested in dating a man with a degree that isn't working in construction."
My response: "Does my situation affect your security clearance?"
My response the next day: "I think she had developed an overly federal mindset, but the CIA does that to you."

3. Okay, I don't really have anything for 3 but not much is going to top number 1 for a while.

2. "Call me when you have money."

1. "You look good on paper."
My response: "Thanks?"
My friend's response two days later: "I have heard a lot of mean things and said some of them during breakups but I have never said anything that harsh." "Gee, thanks, I feel so much better now."

18 comments:

The Uncanny Canadian said...

What happened to, "You are cold and dead inside."?

Oh, also, ouch.

Von said...

Seriously ouch. Yes, which one said you are cold and dead inside? Or was that yet someone else. This is a truly fascinating post. You rock, Genius. I have nothing antagonistic to say today.

missy&chrissy said...

sadly, i think we've dated the same person.

Porterhouse said...

These are great! They must have been deeply painful at the time, but one day you'll laugh about them.
Here are two of mine from the '90s that I laugh about now...

Her: "I'm sorry, I save Friday and Saturday nights for hot dates."
Me: "Ok. Well, see you then."
Me 5 mins later: "What a shallow...(edited for content)."

Her: "My husband and I have an open relationship."
Me: "Does he know? Does he own a gun?"
Me 1 min later: "This isn't going to work. Bye." Followed by rapid running for the bus.

Kathleen said...

after a decade in an office, I wish I had gone into construction.

fish said...

after a decade in an office, I wish I had gone into construction.

It is just giant file cabinets.

AdorableGirlfriend said...

He's lying. AG has seen the real Chuckles who falls head over heels for women. This is just blog persona.

And look at UC over here all being cool. Dr. I Love, AG on like the first date!

mdhatter said...

"My last boyfriend had a much, much larger penis than you do"

The Uncanny Canadian said...

Her: "I don't want to marry you".
My response: "I don't remember proposing to you".
My response a day later: "What, you mean we aren't dating anymore?"

Anonymous said...

Don’t worry, I have faith that in the next year you will have a suitable number two and three. That is just the kind of positive person I am. By the way, I went to Atlanta and saw our favorite VP of Chili and Pork Bellies. Had a great time, and DC is next on my list.

ZZ

Swiftyjess said...

My favorite is #6 :-)

Chuckles said...

ZZ, holy crap that took me ten seconds of deep thought to figure out who you meant. Awesome.

VON, I have thought about it and I can't really call the woman who called me cold and dead inside an ex. We never dated. She still calls me that now and I think she means it but we'll let her decide when she gets back from Bermuda.

Jennb said...

I don't think you are really cold and dead inside, I think you have cold and dead inside tendancies.

Doesn't mean I don't love the Chucks, I just call it like I see it.

:)

Kathleen said...

I don't think you are really cold and dead inside, I think you have cold and dead inside tendancies.

I read that last bit as "cold and dead inside tentacles", and couldn't decide if I was intrigued or frightened.

Chuckles said...

Kathleen, you know and you like it precisely because it does frighten you a little.

Snag said...

"FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!" always worked pretty well as a response for me.

Brando said...

I read that last bit as "cold and dead inside tentacles", and couldn't decide if I was intrigued or frightened.

I read it as "cold and dead inside testicles"! I'm glad I caught my mistake, although that had the potential to be the best game of Telephone ever.

"When I came out of the bathroom, she had her top off and was just sitting on the couch. So I figured we weren't going to watch the rest of the movie."

The nice thing about working at home is that I can laugh as long and as loudly as I want at gems like this.

Chuckles said...

Brando, it is better than wiping beer off your face from your pal's spittake.

I mean, what's a guy to do? Let breasts go to waste? NEVER!