The Score, or How to End a Pork Snorkel Before It Really Begins

La Pasadita Ultimate Barbacoa Burrito: 1.
The Genius: 0

This freaking burrito is as big as it looks and just as obnoxious. (Unfortunately, the archives of Well Rounded Nerds do not permit me to find that post at the moment.) The barbacoa was cooked to a state that could be called sub-rare. This is not exactly desirable when you are already worried about the hygiene of the establishment. My colleague in consumption had expressed concern about the ripeness of the pico de gallo prior to our meal's arrival. I was able to try the pico, green salsa and the reportedly heavenly black salsa. I am a fan of the spicy food, much like my adorable nephew, but I was not impressed with either topping. I was forced to concur with my esteemed compatriot. These salsa-esque food products were perhaps too genuine. But back to the burrito.

I forced myself to ignore the rare-ness of the meat and instead enjoyed the rice, lettuce, guac, beans and cheese. There was not enough of either to over power the burrito or take away from the flavor of the meat. This was almost unfortunate as the meat could have been flavored more. In fact, it would have been nice if it had been flavored at all. It tasted like and undercoooked flank stank that maybe had a jar of spice waved in its general direction. Still, I wasn't only there to enjoy it so much as to climb the fucking Everest of Burritos. To carry this metaphor to a stupid conclusion, I got altitude sickness and had to carried down the mountain weighing thirty pounds more than when I started climbing.

The worst part wasn't the pain of my belly, but the full knowledge from the moment I left the establishment that this too would pass. I ate the burrito at 3 PM on Saturday and had no desire to eat anything until 1 pm on Sunday. Even then, I was only mildly peckish.

However, at 5:45 PM Sunday afternoon, I knew that it was time. I managed to hold everything together until 6:04 PM, mostly to give the other patrons of Intelligentsia on Broadway a chance to use the bathroom before I rendered it unfit for human, animal or silicon-nanotube based lifeforms.

The EPA has since rendered that establishment a Superfund site. I'm sorry.