Thursday, June 28, 2007

8 Things I Hate About You

First, a little preramble. There are times when I want to write more stuff about my life, but lately events have changed the way I feel about that. There are more people reading this blog than before the Tucker Incident, but that is okay. One of them is my boss (I HAVE KNOWN FOR A LONG TIME, DO US BOTH A FAVOR AND STOP) and this presents me with a conundrum. I want to feel free to write again, but I don't like my coworkers to be included in everything about my life. If I want them to know about my life, I'll tell them. My brothers also read this, but I am not worried about them reading it, even if it does eventually filter back to my parents though I have no reason to suspect that it has or will.

I am a little concerned with the difference between the way I write about myself and the way I write about other topics, although to be honest my posts since March have all been of lower quality than I like. For instance, how do I follow a post with three links to a plane flight with overflowing toilets with a post about my dating foibles and seem at all genuine? How do I get righteously angry about major issues in federal and global politics while bitching about all the dogshit cluttering my neighborhood sidewalks?* How do maintain any sort of emotional authenticity when the thing I am most known for is joking about having an 80 foot penis?** Maybe I should just say fuck it all! Damn the cognitive dissonance and full blog ahead!

Random fact number 1: I am very colorblind. The best explanation is that the 8 box of Crayola crayons is perfect for me but if you give me the 64 or 128 box, you might as well just punch me in the nuts.

Random fact number 2: I like to sing in my apartment, but totally choke at kareoke. I do not choke if I need to use the announcer voice, just sing. I was rather relieved when the DJ in Chicago denied our song picks, even though he was being a total cobag.

Random fact number 3: I used to be afraid of heights. I was unemployed and I took a job with a gutter cleaning company. I got over that fear really quick.

Random fact number 4: I am not claustrophobic but I think caving would freak me the fuck out, even had I not seen The Descent.

Random fact number 5: I stick to my principles, to the point of getting out of bed with a girl who had voted for Bush in 2004. BEFORE anything sexy happened. Republicans don't deserve the Wang.

Random fact number 6: I play World of Warcraft. This is not very new, but the following information is: Realm: Cenarius. Horde: Chazme, Gorhead, and Tezcatlipoca. Alliance: Haznabel. If this means anything to you, look me up and we'll go questing. We might even find some unicorns.

Random fact number 7: I like to say that I paint and write. When women call me a painter and a writer, I don't disclose that I paint these guys and write blogs. Romance is honesty blended with deception, battered with banter, sauteed in mystery and served with a nice fruity beer.

Random fact number 8: Depending on your interpretation of Article 2, Section 1 of the US Constitution, I can never become President. My parents are two American citizens who were on assignment overseas with the US government when I was born. I only recently passed the required 14 years of residence in the US.***

No person except a natural born citizen, or a citizen of the United States, at the time of the adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the office of President; neither shall any person be eligible to that office who shall not have attained to the age of thirty five years, and been fourteen Years a resident within the United States.

Thanks to Cornell Law School for the Constitution citation.

*I think they are both linked in my mind, if we were better people and thought of our effect on other's lives, we would pick up our dog's shit and stop wars.
**And that's just the girth!
***Despite all this, I was a rather sheltered child and remain rather sheltered. Some might describe my life as charmed/cursed, given my luck with meeting famous people and women.


AdorableGirlfriend said...

Great post! Where exactly where you born? I know this because of my own family situ. If you are born on an American military base, the rule does not apply. The bases are considered American terroritories and provided both parents are US citizens, you are grandfathered into the rule.

Chuckles said...

That does not help me.

Adorable Girlfriend said...

You screwed then.

Actually, given your father's work and your parents citizenship, you might be eligible because of the work he was doing.

Does it matter though? After that Tucker Carlson thing, I think you are pretty much fucked six ways from Sunday for El Presidente roles.

P.S. What happened with the electric bill?

Adorable Girlfriend said...

P.P.S. Hello Mr/Ms/Bird/Pinko/It Chuckles' Boss. Maybe you should hook up with AG's stalker. He apparently has a lot of free time on his hands as well.

Claire said...

AG, you have a stalker?

Chuck, doesn't it count that you were born to US citizens? You are a natural citizen. You didn't have to apply for citizenship. I'm looking into this.

Claire said...

And I turn to Wikipedia...

Jennifer said...

Great post, indeed.

Claire, I was thinking the same thing. Two American citizens having a child on foreign soil. Doesn't Chuckles get co-citizenship?

Chuckles said...

It's a bit of a grey area. IT won't really matter until the 2016 Presidential election when I run against Schwarzenegger.

Porterhouse said...

The Genius vs. Schwarzenegger presidential campaigns would have a certain ironic humor value.

Andy said...

The Genius vs. Schwarzenegger

the Wang vs. då Vång?

Chuckles said...

YES. I am The Genius and I endorse this message.

Natasha said...

I hate to quibble with you, Bob, but you can become a U.S. president. Allow me. The U.S. is one of the few countries that confer citizenship based on either "sanginus," (birth to U.S. parent or even grandparent) and "soli" (birth within the territory.) So your parents, being U.S. citizens, could have given birth to you on Neptune and you are still good to go. Moreover, I'm going to go ahead and guess that they registered your birth at the U.S. consulate, so you have been "resident" in statutory language for...a while.

Amusing aside. I have a Togolese client. Well, maybe he's Togolese. His parents are from Niger and he was born in Togo. Niger does not have the principle of sanguinus and Togo doesn't have the principle of soli, meaning he's currently stateless. Now he works at Target in Madison, WI. I spend most of my day trying to explain to him why he's fucked up the ass and that if he gets picked up by ICE that he's going to be in jail for a long time since nobody recongises him as a citizen of their country.

I know this because of my piece of shit job, which is currently allowing me to comment on your blog rather than do shit. I also found this, which you may have seen already but is just endlessly amusing, allowing me to turn my "piece of shit job" into "Jose of bitch pie."

Chuckles said...


Adorable Girlfriend said...

Claire, sadly yes. He's very cunning and only shows up once and a while on the blogs.

It's like having a bad case of jock itch--you can scratch, but you cannot make it go away.

Brando said...

Chuckles, with regard to the crayons, I guess you can't see the newest Crayola color, Nut Punch Blue.

Jenny said...

Heh heh. I still remember walking through the fabric store with you when we were preparing your evil Michael Bolton costume and having to point out that the fabric you referred to as brown was totally not!

That said, it makes the fact that you're such a good fig painter all the more impressive.

8-) Jenny

Your Boss said...

Keep writing to your hearts content. Please also post how you feel about me.