Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Look, Little Baby Jesus, Throw Me a Fucking Bone Here

Every day, I endeavor to be a good person. I try to be a good person by my own definition of such and even with this perhaps perverse definition of good, with which I won't burden this post or you, I have an extremely hard time of it. I have to remind myself that beating the holy hell out of dog owners is a punishment that does not fit their crimes every time I see a huge steaming pile of dog leavings on the sidewalk. I have to remind myself not to buy 47 iced cookies every morning and eat them in a frenzy that would make Cookie Monster weep. I have to fight the urge to go running off into the wooded parks I pass on my way to work, for I would build a fort and extract a hefty toll from all those who chose to enter my shaded domain. I have to remind myself that even though that hollowed-out tree is an awesome hiding spot, joggers and others enjoying the great outdoors do not appreciate it when you jump out and scare the bejeezus out of them. I remind myself that it is not okay to gather all the soap opera and fashion magazines in the supermarket and burn them in the street, even if they promote an unhealthy body image. I have an especially hard time being good when I am left unsupervised and connected to this brilliant series of tubes.

I don't want to have hope for the Transformers movie, but when I hear that others are writing poems about it, I become curious. When I read those poems, I have to fight urges and work things out in literature. As with so many events that affect my life, I have no power to change the product of Michael Bay's latest efforts. All I can do is eviscerate people with wit. If this movie sucks, I will write about it in an open and honest manner and perhaps Mr. Bay will try to get me fired.

CHUD clued me in to this and also included a link to Yahoo's Transformers image gallery.

14 comments:

Jennifer said...

Chuckles, are you a Keebler elf? Are you baking cookies in that tree?

And, if you lived in the woods, would you be upset with the steaming piles the bears leave in front of your woodland abode?

If Chuckles lives in the woods, does a bear still shit there?

Chuckles said...

As long as that bear was acting under my authority and devouring all the dogs and owners who let their dog shit in my woods without cleaning up, I would be fine with that bear.

Jennifer said...

Hate the crap, Chuckles, not the crapper!

Some baaad owner has been leaving piles of nastiness on my parkway as well as the lawn of another dog owner in my hood. I guess they figure since we're picking up anyhow, why not one or two piles more. I'd like to pick up all of my dog's piles and deliver them to this person's house... just to share the love.

Mendacious D said...

Exactly what kind of cookies are we talking about here?

teh l4m3 said...

Right. You burn the magazines.

But not before some of the pages get accidentally glued together, right?

Anonymous said...

I trust your internal sense of right and wrong more than I trust the bible. At least you wouldn't stone someone for having a sandwich.

Brando said...

Transformers will be terrible. It must, because the universe will cease to make sense if Michael Bay making a movie based on toys turns out to be good.

Chuckles said...

Anonymous: As long as that person does not break more than one of the Laws of Proper Sandwiching, I will not stone them.

Brando: Did Pearl Harbor suck?

billy pilgrim said...

Chuckles-

Pearl Harbor was not based on a toy, but what some claim was an historical event.

Like global warming, I've yet to see proof.

Chuckles said...

I was going for humor and sucked at it and then you come swooping in like a genius to rescue a pretty girl(the joke) from a boring gossip blog intern (me, in this situation).

Not the previous odd sentence is at all related to any events in my life that may or may not have happened at some point in the past.

girl like me said...

Uhm Tyrese Gibson is hot and that is the only incentive I need to see that movie.

Chuckles said...

Well, that's just fine for you.

What the hell do you expect me to do with that?

girl like me said...

Appreciate Chuckles, appreciate

fish said...

On the other hand, 300 had almost enough blood for me.