Thursday, February 08, 2007

Civic Doodies EDITED FOR CLARITY'S SAKE

This week has been one for the books, or blogs. DC got about an inch of snow Tuesday night and this brought up fond memories of extortion schemes against the elderly.

As I walked to work, as I am wont to do, I noticed that only 5 residences had cleared their front walks and sidewalks of snow. I was raised by a family that encouraged social responsibility. Whenever it snowed, I would typically get at least 3 hours off school, if not a whole day, and would rush out to shovel (sweep) the snow off our frontwalk and section of sidewalk. I would then proceed to roam around my neighborhood and coerce people to pay me to clear their walks. One year, we got an extra week of spring break when it snowed two and a half feet on a Sunday night. The Genius' Brothers of Indeterminate Number all set about making the best fort this side of Belvoir the next morning. This beast had four walls that were five feet high and a supply of icey ammunition to last most any siege. The walls were a bit of an obstacle for the younger members of the garrison but with the help of a spotter, we acted as mortars arcign our shots over the wall in a rain of snowy doom. We were the unchallenged masters of the county. Since the rest of the neighborhood's kids were all under the age of twelve, they could barely get their snow suits on, let alone mount an effective assault on a well defended fortification. Perhaps they were too busy performing terrorist attacks against local libraries. Anyway, the shovelling lobby must have been strong at one point because a person is legally liable for accidents that occur on their section of sidewalk, should that person fail to clear the walk of any dangerous condition. This may or may not be true, but that is irrelevant because so many people believe that it is true and it affects their behavior in such a way that they will pay 30-50 dollars to any kid with a shovel when it snows. This is how we should treat global warming, which brings me to my next topic.

I went out with Hot Liberal a few times. I inadvertently ended that relationship when we went out to see Children of Men, which everyone should go see. We were having a fine time until she revealed her position on global warming. She called it a problem of global pollution and denied that global warming was going to happen like ALL THE CLIMATOLOGISTS IN THE ENTIRE GODDAM WORLD say it will. She then used the "you don't know what I've read defense" and some other choice arguments that probably came from the CEI septic tank. I basically blew my lid and blew a ton of holes in her statements. This continued over an email exchange in which she then tried to point out that science once called the atom the smallest part of the universe. I countered with the statement that for someone who studied science in college she had an extremely poor grasp of the scientific method. At one point, I said that I couldn't agree to disagree with her because that kind of weak statement only serves to allow the current situation to continue. She then decided that since I didn't respect her opinions that she couldn't be with someone like me. Shit, we wouldn't want your ignorance to interfere with your weltanschauung. The basis of this argument again reaches back to the days of my youth, some which was indeed spent in Asia, in which I was taught to have a sense of social responsibility. I was taught to leave things better than I found them. I am not sure that she is better off now that we had that argument, but I know that I don't care. Hopefully, she paid attention to the recent news about global warming, but since that news has absolutely no respect for her opinion, I doubt it.

Speaking of outside forces crapping on your day, there is a certain kind of asshole that lives in my neighborhood and I am not necessarily referring to any bowtie wearing jackhole. This kind of asshole lets her or his dog shit all over the sidewalk and then leaves the immense steaming pile of shit to rot. Or cover the bottom of some unfortunate sole. DC has two important laws about dogs: dogs must be leashed at all times and owners must clean up after them. Hell better help these people should I ever see someone leave turd on the sidewalk because I will descend upon that person with a fiery wrath matched only by the unrepentant seraphim. Elohim ain't got nothing on me. This is not an isolated incident either. On an average day, I will see three or four new turds on my walk. They have gotten thick enough that at one point, I thought I was looking at a human turd. I was a Boy Scout and I have learned a thing or two about the woods and turds you find in said woods. Anyway, the mile between my office and my apartment now has an almost even spread of canine fecal matter, about every 25-30 feet. This is a neighborhood that installed shitboxes at every corner on each side of the street specifically for the disposal of the waste products of these fecally fecund residents. There are at least four dogs that have owners that are not performing their right and proper duties. If I see this happen, I will pick up that turd and hurl it mightily at the asshole that allowed his or her dog to deposit it and then failed to clean it up. I can always toss my gloves in a washing machine afterwards, but that person will have learned a lesson that they won't soon forget. Olfactorily speaking.

EDITED FOR CLARIFICATION: The girl and I stopped seeing each other in the first week of January. I realize that this post is entirely misleading in this regard. I apologize. I only just decided to blog about it because I finally got annoyed enough about this.

I can not lay a disagreement on a topic like global warming aside in order to continue dating a person. It is too important to me and my behavior reflects this feeling. I have changed my behavior to reflect the strength of my conviction. I won't date a person who denies the existence of the problem. Maybe this makes me a self-righteous asshole, but I don't care. I am doing what little I can to improve the problem. If we had been talking about a disagreement on a rather less important matter, like movies or books or something, then I would be total munchwad for dumping someone over that.

21 comments:

icee said...

So, instead of just telling the HOT liberal that you respectfully disagreed with her opinion, you let it escalate to the point where she dumped you? Man that is rough.

Adorable Girlfriend said...

Icee, let's get to the better part of that issue. Instead of letting her ride his wang until it got boring -- he went with the -- we have differing opinions defense.

Por example, UC can buy AG anything, anyday. While on said shopping sprees he is muttering things about Jews, genetics, Pinko, hippies, etc. AG has no clue because she is too busy bent over the counter looking at jewels, etc.

Ear plugs work wonders!!

icee said...

AG I totally understand where you are comming from. If your mind is focus on something that you feel is more important than what the other person is saying, then you can overlook a lot of crazy comments. But if your mind is not, then that is all you have left to focus and you realize that the person you are with is crazy.

On the other hand, Chuckles you seem more upset about the dog poop on the sidewalk and more excited about nostalgic memories of snow days of your youth than losing a hot chick because she had a different set of beliefs, albeit crazy beliefs, about the facts of global warming.

horchata said...

" ...I will pick up that turd and hurl it mightily at the asshole... "

send it back where it came from?

p.s. bimbos ain't worth crying over

M.B. said...

You pointed out something that I, too, have noticed! People don't feel that they need to clear their walks of snow anymore...
I also walk to work and am often heard muttering under my breath at the lazy idiots who just left the snow on their walks! (so that it can solidify into an ice-like substance!) When did people start not caring anymore!
I'm betting that they would care if I fell and broke something and sued them for my medical bills...
(and, yes, I always clear my sidewalk immediately after the snow stops or as soon as possible...)

Chuckles said...

I am not moaning after that woman, that's for sure. I was just surprised by her randomly right wing opinion on this after she proved to be so left about everything else.

Right wings don't get my left wang.

Anonymous said...

Anything goes when it comes to ho's cause pimpmin ain't easy

ZZ

Chuckles said...

I can attest to the truth of that statement.

Pimpin ain't easy at all. No, sir.

teh l4m3 said...

It's hard out here for a gimp.

mdhatter said...

A) be sure to throw the turd off your own property "You forgot something".

B) NOT liberal - 'nuff sid.

C) Diamonds are AG's best friend (had to say it)

Chuckles said...

Most of these turds aren't on my property. In fact, all of them are not on my property, since I don't own any property.

But I get the idea and I like it.

missy&chrissy said...

i think this is why i'm bad at dating - because just don't want to deal with the fact that someone will dump me because they dislike my position on global warming...

Pinko Punko said...

Chuckles, what is up with the assholitis?

Jesus, I would slap you if you were here. Come on, dude. hello?

Adorable Girlfriend said...

Perhaps it was a ploy for Chuckie to get out of buying a Valentine's Day gift...

BeautifulDisaster said...

So you won the argument but you lost a cute date. Sounds like your loss to me.

The Uncanny Canadian said...

Bad break, Chuckles. I'm sorry to hear about how things went with not-hot not-liberal. I don't necessarily think a difference of opinion should be a deal-breaker, even on something like global warming. But it sounds like a personality rift and failure of mutual respect that would just make you guys fight more and more in a completely futile fashion. Furthermore, she sounds like a closet luddite, which is extremely annoying.

Children of Men was truly amazing. Awe-inspiring. It moved me really deeply.

Failiure to clear snow and dog poop is unforgivable. Even those light snowfalls turn to ice in no time and absolute treachoury for pedestrians. I once took a massive wipe-out in front of an obscenely pricey home that never NEVER clears its snow on a main pedestrian route after snowfall. I almost wish I hurt myself enough to consider litigation, but that's really not my way. I really just want to be able to shake my fist at them and say shame on you.

M.B. said...

I don't think your decision to stop dating this woman makes you a self-rightous asshole!
The fact that she actually believes the mis-information that the nay-sayers has been spreading around is a red flag in my book!

M.B. said...

or rather have been spreading around..

porterhouse said...

That was a kickin' snow fort.

I came back home from a week long ski trip to many steaming piles of dog crap on my neighborhood sidewalk. I wonder if not scooping is a winter thing?

Sorry about the liberal. Nice to hear that you stood up for your principles. Many's the time I've relaxed them if I thought I would get laid. It rarely worked and I just felt bad that I was so spineless.

Jessica said...

Global warming is real? You'd better check your facts Chuck because I'm pretty sure it's just liberal propaganda. :-)

Chuckles said...

GAH!