Monday, June 29, 2009

Totally Tarantula Tuesdays: Monday Morning "Cool in Service" Edition

You know what's cool about the service industry? The women. Ok, well the sane ones are cool, the batshit horse/coke addicts aren't. The women who dress like hookers and then bitch about some dude staring at her tatas can also be filed as not cool. So aside from those two types, who make up 95% of the women, the women in the service industry can be pretty boss.

You know what else is cool? The drugs. Lotsa drugs. Ricockulous amounts of drugs. Drugs pouring over the hillside in a torrent of stoned jackasses. Ok, maybe they went a little far on the drugs, but that's a Squidbillies reference for those in the back.

You know what else is cool? Insomnia and apathy. No one worries about you if you haven't sleep since Friday, that's just how the weekend goes. Now that it is Monday, I wouldn't mind being able to sleep, but I can wait for another 15 to 16 hours. I've got shit to do today.

You know what else is cool, and this will really rock your face? All the famous people! OMG! I carded Brooke Shields in February and she was SO not happy about it. Haha! She didn't know we have a 100% I.d. check policy! Hee! So yeah, I didn't recognize her at first, and just thought she looked a lot like Brooke Shields, and she looked great, but still rules is rules, ma'am. So yeah, but a jackass is still my thing when I can justify it. Which is pretty much always. That might have been better off left implied, but if you look at my body of work, you'll see I've lost flab and got seriously veined arms now. Seriously. I look like Jon Cena, from the elbows to my fingertips. I'm so totally ripped! Incidentally, John Cena has NOT been in my office at any time that I am aware of.

You know what else is cool about the service industry? All the drinking you do! It helps you forget about how much your job sucks and you just can't wait to quit if you could just finish your novel, or script, or animated tv pilot, or short story collection, or that sculpture, or song, or what the fuck you've convinced yourself will elevate you somewhere above despairing mediocrity.

You know the cool thing about the service industry? You really learn your city backward, forward, upside down, and slanting over. You get to know so many vibrant, cozy, shithole neighborhoods because you heard Johnny had an ounce pf the good shit and Johnny always has good shit, I wouldn't lie to you about weed, man, cuz that's not cool. You meet all sorts of cool bartenders at bars in other districts that might have an after-hours license, or might possibly be willing to let you stay after closing and drink with the staff because I think he used to work here, or maybe he used to fuck Jenny, or that one girl who quit before you started here. Then, after finding all these quaint, little, slices of urban purgatory, you will get to walk home from them cuz Becky got blitzed on Goldschlager and cough syrup, and you think she lost her keys, but even though it's been months since you've even downloaded any new porn since your internets got disconnected, you still aren't reaching into her pockets to find her keys. You don't know where she lives and she's got to be at work in two hours to open anyway, so fuck it, leave her here. Hell, most people don't get to wait outside a Starbucks for it to open! The Muffin Man is a hard motherfucker to catch in the clact, however.

So where was I? Oh yeah, Helob ate the last of the fourth generation of crickets and I don't think any more will be spawning so I should get some today or tomorrow. Except it is tomorrow, so do I mean Monday or Tuesday, or even Sunday? I was planning on getting some sleep today, and I was thinking that on Sunday but that was before midnight, so I guess I meant Wednesday. Or Monday.


Adorable Girlfriend said...

Are you becoming an LA type on us? It sure feels like it.

Anonymous said...

That's not true, dude. You downloaded some porn onto my computer when you were staying there when we were away. I found it in the recycle bin. It might be funny for you but my ipod crashes my computer when inserted and my CD rom is dead.

Von said...

I think you need some sleep.

mdh said...

Now THAT is a sniper.

Chuckles said...

Haha! Revenge is a dish best served with fried mozzarella sticks! That's also a joke with unintended side effects. It's one thing to change your friend's background image to two dudes going at it like rabbits, but another thing to leave a folder titled "My Porn: STAY OUT" on the desktop filled with gay porn movies. The joke goes awry when the porn includes a virus that fucks up iTunes. Or it becomes excellent, I'm not sure yet.

Still, sorry about that. I only wanted to surprise you and your roommates with some gay porn.