Monday, February 27, 2006

On Getting Dumped

I have always found it interesting to get dumped. I have been dumped via email, answering machine message and the Washington Way. For those of you not from the area, the Washington Way consists of one person deciding the relationship is over and not bothering to inform the other. In fact, they don't even return phone calls or emails to gloat in the movingonness of their life. It is pretty awesome. In the way that Michael Bay is awesome. It is definitely not Uwe Boll awesome. A dumping of that magnitude has not been seen since the summer of '97 in Waukegan, WI when James McInerney was dumped by long time girlfriend, Louisa Ramon-Perez. That was about as bad as the dumping that went on in PopRen's bathroom on the Day of the Great Porking.

I like the way breakups were handled in the movie Closer. If you don't get out all that crap, it just festers. So get angry. Yell at each other if you feel like it. Emotions are wonderful. Let them rage. You have to be honest in a break up or else the other will never know the truth and that just causes them further hurt. If you are guaranteed to never see them again, well, that’s a different story. You can let them fester and they will get over it. Or maybe not. I seem to be different than most of the guys I have met about this. Most men I know prefer the yelling.

When you have a festering wound, I have found that it is best to let it really build for about seven months and then go see the girl in question. Lay it all out and be honest about how she made you feel, but be resigned that it is over and let that soulpus just drain out, even squeezing it a bit to make sure you got it all. Then leave. It's over and you move on. That's how I roll. If you can't get the space to fester because she won't leave you alone, that is when problems happen.

If someone has decided that it is over, then the relationship is dead and can only be reborn as undead and not resurrected fully. Undead relationships are the leading cause of zombification today. You see these people everywhere. They have that dull look in their eyes and spread the unjoy around to their friends with incessant whining about the living dead inhabiting their hearts. Accept that you have to dump him/her and find someone else.

I have never tried the Regret Approach because I think it is lame. This is the old classic where the dumped says something like, “You’ll see me someday and be sad that you aren’t a part of my fantastic life.” Jeezus. We all know you’re just going to mope for a few months and watch TV and gain a few pounds until you meet someone else to bore. In fact, I have never tried any approach to win back someone who has decided they aren’t interested.

Once I am dumped, dumping or otherwise trying to end a relationship, I have discovered that I can no longer trust my motivations regarding that person. If I am the Dumper, I must watch myself carefully or I will twist the poor girl in the wind because I am a seriously awful bastard. I don’t even know how I got this way. I have never really been manipulated or deeply hurt by a girl, so I have no reason to be such a prick. I guess I have more of that dark asshole in me then previously thought.

If I am dumped, I must also watch myself in order to prevent a series of shameless Excellence Displays. We all know what these are. They are far more subtle than the New Mate Displays*, although that isn’t saying much. Excellence Displays are frequently executed in the company of the Dumper, but also in close proximity to the Dumper’s friends. You do your level best to try and look excellent and inspire feelings in the Dumper. The goal is to remind the Dumper of the reasons they liked you.

In conclusion, it is a fine line to walk between honesty and anger. I take a week or so break after each relationship to get my head straight before walking the line again. If I have decided that it would be in my best interests to remain friends with the Dumper or Dumpee, then I tend to take at least two weeks off to really realign my being. This helps prevent mixed feelings and manipulation. The hard part is finding the difference between being overly solicitous and tragically indifferent. Actually, tragic indifference is probably the most optimal route to getting laid ever. So the final lesson is: Don’t listen to a word I say on this topic because I can’t be trusted with anyone’s daughter over the age of 22. Ok, 20.

*If you don’t know what this is, get off. Just get off my** site and go play Final Fantasy XXX.

**Ok, so it’s really Blogger’s.***

***Well, Google’s I suppose.

27 comments:

teh l4m3 said...

in re: becoming friends with dumper/dumpee: 2 weeks really isn't long enough. And New Mate Displays can be much more effective than Excellence Displays, but also run the risk of turning out much more pathetic and tragic than one intends.

Chuckles said...

That was the statement I was trying to make. Apparently, I failed. Again.

daveminnj said...

jesus! were you following me around over the weekend?

Adorable Girlfriend said...

This is very timely. I am having a little issue with a certain prick who apparently is stalking me here on the Internet blogs. Apparently dumping his ass and him dating a guy (Yeah if you're reading this, I know it's a guy in Salem) isn't enough to leave me alone. Just get over it and move on.

Why can't a dumpee just move on. I sense it is probably painful, but you know what, you just have to do it.

likewise, I do the honorable thing and break up over dinner, but not too far into the conversation or evening. I make the effort to go to him as opposed to him coming to me. Make it easy for the person to have some comfort and dignity. I am a fan of telling them and walking away. Done. No tears, no yelling, just like a Band Aid and onward I go. I find it works in the relationships I've had.

As for staying friends, I have plently of friends. I don't need anymore non friends who are just ex lovers in sheep clothing.

teh l4m3 said...

Wait, is this AG's roundabout way of saying that UC has been using his poon-prod to nudge some fudge on the side?

My condolences dear -- forget what political correctness demands we say about bisexuals: they can't be trusted!

Adorable Girlfriend said...

No, UC is having to deal with this ass monkey. Unfortunately we both have to deal with him right now. And neither of us want to. UC and I are still super duper tight. I adore UC, I already told him, he has to break up with me because I like him too much to ever break up with him.

Plus, if we broke up, I'd have to change my user name, etc.

I agree, bisexual males are just token words for not out yet. Frankly I don't care where he sticks his mediocre boyhood, just don't stick it near me or bother me anymore. My issue is more, when the phone is not ringing, that's AG NOT calling.

Chuckles said...

Yeah, AG apparently is not a fan of actually allowing the other person to break up with her. She just swoops down from on high and makes her pronouncement and then moves the fuck on. Yeah, that's real fucking charitable. If you really want to be charitable, you state your feelings, let them state theirs, fight a little bit and then so goodbye.

Adorable Girlfriend said...

I don't owe anybody anything. And the same goes for the other party to me, other than to say something along the lines of it's not working. Who wants to hear the ugly messy stuff that is going to mess you up for years? I certainly never did. My job is not to make him a better person or give you additional closure, my job is to be respectful, do the right thing by telling him in person and leave it on a nice tone.

I am sorry Chuckles. I suspect you might be going through this right now and I'm being insensitive in your mind. We all do it in our own way. Yet, I agree you must atleast tell the person and show them some respect in doing it. I don't need to yell and scream. Fighting is something I don't do.

teh l4m3 said...

Dr. l4m3's prescription for chuckles: find a clean hooker to assault with your purple helmet of victory.

Chuckles said...

AG: That is just my point with this post. It isn't the yelling that messes people up for years, it is the not knowing the truth that messes with people. Some people gotta yell, some don't. It's all different.

Teh: I have a good streak going, why ruin it with a street walker?

Anybody have any idea who daveminnj is?

dontEATchuckles said...

Nope, don't know him. Why?

- dontEATchuckles -- he'll eat you.

Pinko Punko said...

Certain individuals just make the decision in their head, as if their relationship only ever existed there and the other person was never real, only a physical projection of their lame issues. These are the folks that do the Washington method. Although sometimes folks do that method when you are a psycho. Just saying.

daveminnj said...

i wandered over via lancemannion
bluegirl republicofdogs.
a harmless inside joke on my part-
girlfriend of many years cut me loose last week-sort of.
strange days.

Adorable Girlfriend said...

Dave, we're glad you're here. Please continue to come by. We're a tight group of bloggers, and many of us have met in person, so we're always curious when a new friend comes. Look around, have a cup o' Joe and stay for a while. RoD and various other sites are your friends. (Unless you are the cobag ex stalker. Then, email me your list of bullshit and get on with it. It's gettig pretty tired). We know you are not, so it's kewl. :)

Where in NJ are you from? I grew up there, though I admit that with a sense of shame.

Sorry to hear about your girlfriend and the break-up. It's hard. Feel free to talk about it here or set up a blog to discuss it. Talking about it with friends and strangers often helps. OK, I'll stop sounding like Dr. Phil. :)

Chuckles, stop by the old 3B! site (and teh and Dave, the more at the party the merrier). We're having a party and I picked up booze, pizza, hugs and drugs for PR and a little something, something for you and Fulsome. You'll have to come by to find out what that might be. Of course PP will find out soon and ban me again.

He's just doing it because UC is his Asian pear boy and he's jealous that I go to Trader Joe's with him when PP is not around.

Smartypants said...

"If I am the Dumper, I must watch myself carefully or I will twist the poor girl in the wind because I am a seriously awful bastard."

Stop. You're turning me on.

Chuckles said...

I love how AG rolls out the welcome wagon on my site. I guess that's just what happens when you're a pimp and your hoes take care of you.

Chuckles said...

That was the point, Smartypants. I should stop turning all these women on, it just hurts them so when I move on. What with all the crying and wailing and lamentations and such.

teh l4m3 said...

Chuckles, so true. And as a general shout-out to all the straight guys throughout my young life who, though not attracted themselves, were flattered that I found them attractive: DON'T BE -- if I find you attractive, it's probably because you're sort of an evil bastard.

Chuckles said...

Ah yes, and now the truth is known about why chicks dig me.

Adorable Girlfriend said...

Chuckles: You are so lame. Don't be an ass monkey about who is the 'Queen of this house'. While teh wants that role of Queen, AG can drop the f-bomb, wear pearls and make dinner at the same time. That makes it possible for her to be able to put out the welcome mat at YOUR blog and claim the title. Big baby!

As for calling us 'chicks', Chuckles Howard, you are on warning. And we don't all want you.

Smarty: Please, please don't encourage him. He's already got the biggest case of narcisim we've ever seen.

Chuckles said...

And we all know it was me that gave you the pearl necklace you love so much.

daveminnj said...

thanks, adorable girlfriend, for your kind words. i think i need
not words, but a little while for my skin to grow back, if you know what i mean. and distractions, i need distractions.
chuckles, i checked out your site because i was curious who it was who shared my excellent taste in red dwarf esoterica.

Adorable Girlfriend said...

You wish, Chuckie. The pearl necklace is actually a necklace of high quality pearls. Not some sick and disgusting thing, you dirty sick boy.

Don't worry Dave, that skin will grow back. We totally understand.

pop renaissance said...

i was dumped once in 7th or 8th grade. i have never been dumped since. undoubtedly some sort of defence mechanism.

Chuckles said...

I have forgotten where I made comments about Red Dwarf. I have a deep and abiding desire to lie shipwrecked and...well you know the rest.

Adorable Girlfriend said...

Pop Star, when are you coming by the new site? We have a music question.

Don't be shy kitten. I miss the old site too, but Res promised it's going to be alright and since he's back and blogging, let's all get along and go through this together.

Chuckles said...

I love AG is advertising through comments here. I should ban her like the spammer she is...