I have always found it interesting to get dumped. I have been dumped via email, answering machine message and the Washington Way. For those of you not from the area, the Washington Way consists of one person deciding the relationship is over and not bothering to inform the other. In fact, they don't even return phone calls or emails to gloat in the movingonness of their life. It is pretty awesome. In the way that Michael Bay is awesome. It is definitely not Uwe Boll awesome. A dumping of that magnitude has not been seen since the summer of '97 in Waukegan, WI when James McInerney was dumped by long time girlfriend, Louisa Ramon-Perez. That was about as bad as the dumping that went on in PopRen's bathroom on the Day of the Great Porking.
I like the way breakups were handled in the movie Closer. If you don't get out all that crap, it just festers. So get angry. Yell at each other if you feel like it. Emotions are wonderful. Let them rage. You have to be honest in a break up or else the other will never know the truth and that just causes them further hurt. If you are guaranteed to never see them again, well, that’s a different story. You can let them fester and they will get over it. Or maybe not. I seem to be different than most of the guys I have met about this. Most men I know prefer the yelling.
When you have a festering wound, I have found that it is best to let it really build for about seven months and then go see the girl in question. Lay it all out and be honest about how she made you feel, but be resigned that it is over and let that soulpus just drain out, even squeezing it a bit to make sure you got it all. Then leave. It's over and you move on. That's how I roll. If you can't get the space to fester because she won't leave you alone, that is when problems happen.
If someone has decided that it is over, then the relationship is dead and can only be reborn as undead and not resurrected fully. Undead relationships are the leading cause of zombification today. You see these people everywhere. They have that dull look in their eyes and spread the unjoy around to their friends with incessant whining about the living dead inhabiting their hearts. Accept that you have to dump him/her and find someone else.
I have never tried the Regret Approach because I think it is lame. This is the old classic where the dumped says something like, “You’ll see me someday and be sad that you aren’t a part of my fantastic life.” Jeezus. We all know you’re just going to mope for a few months and watch TV and gain a few pounds until you meet someone else to bore. In fact, I have never tried any approach to win back someone who has decided they aren’t interested.
Once I am dumped, dumping or otherwise trying to end a relationship, I have discovered that I can no longer trust my motivations regarding that person. If I am the Dumper, I must watch myself carefully or I will twist the poor girl in the wind because I am a seriously awful bastard. I don’t even know how I got this way. I have never really been manipulated or deeply hurt by a girl, so I have no reason to be such a prick. I guess I have more of that dark asshole in me then previously thought.
If I am dumped, I must also watch myself in order to prevent a series of shameless Excellence Displays. We all know what these are. They are far more subtle than the New Mate Displays*, although that isn’t saying much. Excellence Displays are frequently executed in the company of the Dumper, but also in close proximity to the Dumper’s friends. You do your level best to try and look excellent and inspire feelings in the Dumper. The goal is to remind the Dumper of the reasons they liked you.
In conclusion, it is a fine line to walk between honesty and anger. I take a week or so break after each relationship to get my head straight before walking the line again. If I have decided that it would be in my best interests to remain friends with the Dumper or Dumpee, then I tend to take at least two weeks off to really realign my being. This helps prevent mixed feelings and manipulation. The hard part is finding the difference between being overly solicitous and tragically indifferent. Actually, tragic indifference is probably the most optimal route to getting laid ever. So the final lesson is: Don’t listen to a word I say on this topic because I can’t be trusted with anyone’s daughter over the age of 22. Ok, 20.
*If you don’t know what this is, get off. Just get off my** site and go play Final Fantasy XXX.
**Ok, so it’s really Blogger’s.***
***Well, Google’s I suppose.